What gets me off?

Okay, I was cleaning the house and really should still be, but I was thinking. I know, that almost always means trouble lol. Anyways, It started with thinking about that expression on M's face when He is inflicting pain on me and what an incredible turn on that look is for me. I have always enjoyed pain to some extent, and M has obliged over the years, but but it didn't really seem to be His cup of tea so to speak (M can be a very vicious person in many different ways, and He keeps that aspect of His personality on a very short leash). He says that He gets off being sadistic because it gets me off. Alright. I could get along with that. But now it's different, the more He is turned on by it, the more It turns me on even if it can be a bit more scary. For some reason I respect and trust Him more for the fact that He can get off inflicting pain on me I guess...I need to clarify that statement, if nothing else than for myself. I get off on a certain amount of fear, too much and I panic. Not good by any stretch of the imagination. Actually, I think it's fear coupled with the knowledge of being completely safe that turns me on. If I didn't have the safe and saved feeling, it would be different.
Part of me wants to make a list of the things I like and fantasies I have...but then I would have to give it to M and watch Him read it!!! Ahhhhh lol.
I had a bunch more thoughts floating around but they have drifted off and I really must finish cleaning this house.

hmmm...

The sadist in M has really been showing since He quit smoking. He gets off on it more. Now, I have spent years basically begging for pain in some form or fashion, but I get those "holy shit!?!" moments sometimes now. Still though, there is no other look quite like the look He gets in His eyes when He is allowing Himself to take me into His sadistic playground. It's amazing (words obviously fail me). I know He has held back a lot in the past because my safety and well-being is forefront in His mind. But I think He trusts in Himself more now. We were talking about TTWD the other day and He said it bothered Him sometimes that people so often refer to it as "play," because It is such a serious thing to be so responsible for some one's life that with a wrong flick of the wrist it could all be over (okay, so those weren't His exact words, but I'm taking creative licence here because it's the only way I can express what He said in so few words). Somehow that made me want Him to do whatever He wanted to me right then and there lol. I have learned a lot through our explorations. One thing I have learned is that it's important not to base your ideas of what you want on what you THINK things should be. Nothing so deep is completely definable and trying to put it in a box only limits the purity of experience. Telling M what I truly want and need then letting go of my preconceptions about how/who He/we should be, gave Him the space He needed to go where He wanted to. That made more sense in my head than it does on the page...
Dunno why I'm still sitting here typing. Actually, that's a load of bullshit, I know exactly why I'm still sitting here and denial isn't going to make me feel better. I have always been in love with M, even when I didn't know it. But for many years I kept up a wall, a thin one perhaps, but a safety net of sorts that kept me from giving all of my being completely. D/s made me realize it was there and discover Why it was there. I was afraid. I was afraid that if I ever gave myself so completely, mind, body, heart, and soul, that if I lost Him I would be completely destroyed. Sure, financially it would be an absolutely awful situation for the kids and I as I have no job skills whatsoever. M has always provided for us. But I don't care about that. The fear that bites to the core of my being and makes me want to cry is the thought of my Owner, my Master, my lover, my Husband, my world, my best friend, my life, no longer being with me.
I guess I'm panicking. M's health seems to be getting worse not better and we don't have money for Him to go see a doctor and He won't go. He's my life. I couldn't survive without Him. He makes me emotionally stable, my knight in shining armour, my shelter from the storm. He is my world and I don't ever want it to shatter.

Needy little whore

It seems like my whole body has chosen now to fall apart. No sooner do I realize there's one problem, another pops up...
I need to dragged into the shower...
feel the water, just a little too warm, flowing over my skin
His hands moving in that soft yet sure way, the ever so rare bathing that melts me
His hands running through my hair
grip tightening with that subtle flick of the wrist
directing my mouth to His hard cock
sliding it deep into my throat
holding my head down just a little longer than I can make myself, just a little farther into my throat than I can get myself to take him
rinsed, dried, and inspected
I need to be taken to bed firmly by my hair
layed out with His hands around my neck...

Damn it sucks to be a needy little whore.

What A Week

I know I said I wouldn't be posting here any more, but the BDSM Library just doesn't seem like an appropriate place for all the random bitching and rotten feelings I have been feeling the need to let out.
This has been a really awful week. M has been doing alright temper wise, but H e has really been down and out. I have an infection and it's all just too damn much. There has been no D/s, no close comfy moments, and very little joy all the way around. M seems to be coming out of His slump, but I'm sinking fast and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. The kids have been absolutely awful. I have been homeschooling our eldest but I am to the point now of giving up. I just can't do it anymore. He has been so consistently rude and disrespectful with me over the last month that I just can't bear having him around 24/7 and spending all the time it takes to fight with him and do his school work. Even just typing that makes me feel like a horrible mother, but I really can't take it all any more. Even M taking him to task over his treatment of me hasn't made a difference. I love my boys I really do. I just feel like I can't even handle life right now and I refuse to have him be like me, struggling to figure out what a division sign is at 21 because he never made it past third grade. I mean, I learned it all and made the national honor society with my grades but it was hard as hell. I also spent a lot of my earlier life feeling like I was worth less than other people because I lacked a basic education. I swore a long time ago I would never put my boys in that position so public school seems like the best option right now. Logistically it sucks because there is only six weeks left in this semester and we won't be moving until September or October which would put him going to two different schools in as many months and starting mid-semester at a new school. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a bit of a failure given that he will have to start second grade again and we have made it halfway through already but fuck...I don't want to live in misery.
M is put out with me for being rather depressed lately. I just can't get over it. Yesterday I had a great talk with the husband of the couple we will be moving with and I feel a lot better about our move because now I know he is loyal to M and respects him greatly. I'm a bit concerned that his wife doesn't feel the same way and she is obviously the one who has the final say in their relationship. I am leery of starting that conversation with her though because I think we are much more likely to fight and that would just suck all the way around for all of us. I am not sure that the relationship we all have is strong enough to handle her and I having a blowout. Don't get me wrong, I actually really like her and I rarely get along well with women. But I have been screwed by every friend I have ever had so I'm a bit afraid of going for it again.
I just need to be Dominated. I need to be whipped until I cry. I need to be taken so far down into Him that I can't see which side is up. I want to go to that place where I forget my own name. At the same time I'm itchy and hurting and cranky and not feeling in the least bit willing. And M's not exactly pouring out Dominant tendencies and understanding right now. Which is fair enough considering He quit smoking four days ago and is still going through withdrawal.
Meh, I just want to quit life and start over. I wish we were moving this summer.

Gonna be a long week...

This morning I realized that it is going to be a Very long week. I cut down to 3 cigarettes a day ( down from 12-15, so for me that's pretty good). M is having a rough go of it having quit cold turkey as they say. He's done really good holding His temper and not taking out His frustrations on the boys and I. He's so lethargic and not Himself though that it is hard for me to deal with. I know it's just the nicotine withdrawal, it's just really rough to adjust to. He's normally a pretty upbeat and commanding person so watching Him sleep and slump around in a fog expressing an inability to make decisions is rather painful. Even Dominating doesn't seem to hold too much appeal for Him right now which I understand given how He is feeling. As long as I keep it together and be supportive I know the worst will be over this week after His body begins adjusting. I really am proud of Him for doing it so I know I have to suck it up and not be selfish

Submission has kind of become my shield of sanity. Life is so crazy on all fronts right now I have come to depend on D/s as the one constant that keeps me from falling apart, a place where no decisions or options exist. Where I am allowed to just Be. Meh, this is going to be a Very long week. If it's two weeks, I may try smothering myself with a pillow since we are short on bridges around here lol.

"Mine"

Strip me naked for Your eyes to explore
Your dirty little whore
Put me on my knees
Resting at Your feet
The place where, throughout the day I long to be
“Mine”
Feel that searching glance
The look that gave my life a second chance
Feel You slide slowly down my throat until I choke
Before this, life was only reflections and smoke
Come on in
Tie me to the bed
And step inside my head
Drifting outside of time
“Mine”
Open me up and strip me bare
As You run strong fingers through my hair
Feel Your hand close around my throat
At Your leisure I breath
In this moment I live only to please
“Mine”
Make me tell You my darkest fantasies
Then look You in the eye
Strip me of my pride, leaving only naked truth
Enjoying the forbidden fruit
Whip me and kiss the tears from my face
Never judging me
Reminding me of my place
“Mine”
Come inside
Slide into my mind
Wrap me in Your soul
You complete me and make me whole
I am drowning in faith,
Completely safe
As You peer into my heart

With Your eyes that I adore
“Mine”
Yes Master
I am You whore
I am Your queen
And those grey spaces in between
You are my Master
My King
The Owner of my being
My soul exposed as Your warm seed spills onto my skin
Feeding some deep seated need within me
“Mine”
Take me down through humiliation and beyond pain
To that place where we are one and the same
Where I forget my own name
Strip me naked to the depths of my being
Inside which You are somehow all-seeing
Washing away the fear,
The pain and the tears
Hear Your voice whisper softly in my ear
“Mine for all time.”

So Proud

Okay, so I know I should have done a post after our fight, but I just didn't get around to it. Suffice to say, Dominant apologies are the best and things are better than before.
M is quitting smoking! I am soooo happy! I have been deeply concerned about His health. Actually, thinking last night, I am to the point of begging on my knees for Him to see a doctor. He said if His health problems don't get better after He quits smoking He will go. I am so proud of Him. I am required to cut back drastically on my smoking, but He didn't tell me to quit which I appreciate so much. I know it's going to be rough. Quitting makes you feel cranky and weird. But I am going to do my best to avoid His inevitable prickles and be super understanding. I really support Him in this and am so grateful for not being told I have to quit right now. If I can just remember all this when He's going through nicotine withdrawal it will be all good lol. Anyways, I know we have a long week ahead of us and will probably fight over some stupid things because no matter how understanding I try to be, I still slip sometimes. But still, I am so happy and proud. We will weather the storm just fine.

Bad day...

We got into a fight this morning. I can’t remember the last time we had a blowout in front of the kids and He left and I just sat and cried. He doesn’t think I trust His judgment enough and He seems to trust me to ruin everything. I suppose the whole show doesn’t really have anything to do with me anyways. I thought He would need my help but maybe not. He’s got other people for that who would probably be quite happy to do a mediocre job without the bitching. I just want to curl up and disappear. I don’t want to move over and over again so someone else can sit on their ass in comfort and not get pissy. I don’t want to see Him even less than I do now because He’s doing the work for everyone. The thought doesn’t bother Him though. He said He would do all the work and move six times in a year if He had to in order to make it work out because the money would be worth it. Guess I would rather leave me here too than take me and have me ruin the dream. He see’s it as me seeing the worst possibilities in everything, I see the potential to spend my life doing a shit-load of work behind the scenes and having no say in anything while He puts others before the boys and I. Especially after this morning.

It all started this morning because He knew something was wrong and I wouldn’t say what it was. I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want Him to leave with me a crying mess while the little one climbed all over me. So much for that I guess…Anyways, He told me I would be punished if I didn’t tell Him what was wrong because He wants me to be forthcoming and truthful which is fair enough. I should have kept my mouth shut and just taken the damn punishment though. He wouldn’t have been really mad at me and left me to cry alone at least. I feel so alone…I really thought that, given the fact He threatened to punish me for my silence, it wouldn’t be an all-out war as soon as I opened my mouth. I knew He was going to be pissed before I even said a word, but I feel so totally betrayed about being promised punishment for not speaking and getting bitched out big time as soon as I did speak. Next time I’ll just keep my stupid mouth shut and take the punishment. I just…I really wish I had kept my mouth shut and taken whatever I had coming for it. To late now.
I think He sees me as incredibly selfish which is ironic considering how unselfish I try to be. I suppose I’m just to “me me me” and any concerns I raise in the future will only be seen as such I’m sure, so I’ll just keep my shit to myself. How is this NOT punishment?? I guess I’m having a “poor me” day. Or maybe it’s just a “poor me” selfish life. With my stupid Eore routine. I can fake happiness. I just never really bothered to put much effort into it because it seemed stupid. But “for the good of all” and all that crap it’s not really a big deal if it makes Him happy. Easier to get away with than faking an orgasm lol.

He called me twice in what was really a nice attempt at apologizing and making up. Somehow it just ended up being a shadow of the same argument though.
Looking around, my house is absolutely filthy. For some reason it’s not bothering me though. Part of me wants to clean it up, some stupid last ditch effort to get a look of approval when He walks in the door. I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated. Who am I kidding, by the time He gets home He’s going to be so tired He probably wouldn’t notice if the toys all came to life and attacked Him. Oh yay for another day of this mess we call life on earth.
I wrote this post and then I was reading some stupid post on experience project about wanting to be a better sub, trust in your Master, blah blah etc. and I started to cry. I think that what has me so down right now isn't the fight, or moving, or anything like that. I try so fucking hard to be good, to be worthy of being His, to surrender, to please. I trust Him more than anyone, even myself. He threatened punishment. I obeyed. He got mad at me. There was something about it that was, mysteriously to me, completely crushing. I'm feeling really conflicted. If the consequences of doing as I am told are worse than punishment, why bother? I know truth has a tendency of hurting at times. It's just...I have gotten to the point of trusting more in submission. That when I submit, there may be consequences to my behavior but they will not come in anger, that I can say anything when submitting and, in the end, it will all be okay. I feel like telling Him what was on my mind at the time was a moment of submission for me and given the argument that followed, I feel alone and rejected. Lost and confused. I have made a big effort lately to be forthcoming with any issues and thoughts I have in an attempt to be so open and honest that all cards are on the table and nothing is ever hidden. I don't want to bring this up to Him though, how this morning made me feel. It would probably just lead to another argument that was my fault...Eh, probably just an extension of a long "me me me" moment.

Moving posts...

M said I should move my blog to the BDSM Library, posting as His little one. So while I can't bring myself to delete this one, I will most likely not do any more posts to this blog.