Honesty and abuse

i read a post on fetlife his morning asking about honesty and past abuse. By the time i found it, the thread had become an outright argument so i didn't bother commenting. The original question revolved around a Dom wanting his sub to be honest about past abuse and raised the premise that victims of abuse were less likely to be truthful. This is where the poster and i parted ways on our positions. In my personal experience, abuse doesn't make a sub a less honest person. It simply helps them create vaults and places to hide pain and icky experiences. It's a lot easier to be honest when you have complete trust in the fact that the person you are talking to is not going to judge or think less of you. Replies to the thread praised therapy and hollered about the evilness of using BDSM as therapy. i've been to therapy...yea, it helped some and i may not have made it to where i am today without that little bit of help. Did it help me "fix" my issues? Only in as much as it showed me i had them. The only thing that's actually helped has been ttwd. i have been pondering the different kinds of "dirty" lately, and it's not something i find easy to put into words but here goes. i spent years trying to wash off an invisible layer of filth. i felt as if i had been sullied from the inside out and nothing could make me clean again. In a way, D/s has changed that. Submitting to One, knowing that i am His filthy whore, and His alone, has created a sense of purity in me which is difficult to describe. For each experience i am there. It consumes and overwhelms me. i cannot run and hide inside the chambers of my mind. Pleasure and pain, tears and laughter, it all melds together and burns away the cobwebs of days long past.

Pillow talk

"One of the things I love about you little one, is that you're a filthy whore but you're still innocent and naive." i love pillow talk...who would have thought, an innocent whore...On a really happy note, i came on command last night and it was mind blowing!
Well, i'm off to make dinner for the family, then it's on to starting the work week. Very ironic to decide i hate my job and then have to take on another day ugh.

Disturbing things and submissive versus doormat, Dominant versus domineering

Something disturbing is happening to me...All of a sudden, when we are having sex, i can't cum when He tells me to. In fact, i can hardly cum at all. This makes me feel like i'm disappointing M because i am failing to do as i am told and freaks me out because i used to be completely unable to orgasm. The odd thing is, sex feels different. The act itself, is mind blowing...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?

Changing the name of the blog

i have decided to change the name of this blog. If i change the address as well, and it makes the blog disapear for my current followers, feel free to email hislittleone69@gmail.com for the new address.

Puddle of confusion

If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...

i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.

Ummmm, okay, so my titles have been shit lately...

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done and we either hold on to the memories with fondness, or work through the issues over time. In the past, i have been bad. Not the kind of bad that garners and inviting eyebrow and a smack on the ass either. The kind of bad that has the potential to ruin relationships and leaves both parties with emotional scarring. Being called a whore not only turns me on, it's a fitting description of who i am at heart and who i used to be.

Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.

i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.

Yesterday was rough

i had a rough day yesterday. Seemed like i just kept falling on my face on all fronts. First there was my encounter with the other sub. i felt like i disapointed M in my handling of it. We talked this morning though and M pointed out that she had inquired about the position, so if i scared her off with a little fantasy, and she has other things going on at home, i didn't really fuck anything up.
i can't cum without my clit. Never have. i also don't squirt or have multiple orgasms (three's a record for me). All things M wants me to achieve and started working on last night. With the plan of eventually working on me cumming on command without physical stimulation. i do cum on command now, it's nearly impossible for me to cum without the command, but i'm light years away from even being able to without stimulating my clit so i dunno if i'll ever get there. Anyways, i failed miserably last night. He was really sweet about it. He told me it wasn't my place to judge failure or success and that all He cares about is that i did my best. He doesn't expect these things to happen overnight. Still, i felt like one long string of letdowns.
On a different note, how hard can it be to find a sub who wants to play with an attractive Dominant who is good at what He does?? i mean, really! Maybe it's me...

i have no title...

He makes me do it, then gives me a B+ and says i came on to strong. The sad thing is, He's right.
Lol. It was a disaster. i am a walking disaster in this endeavor. In my defense, i told her i was a falling all over the place right off the bat!
i think that for M, the whole thing was about making me do something i find extremely uncomfortable and watching me squirm more than anything else. Well, the thought of possibly making another woman squirm at the same time didn't hurt either. i have a hard time expressing fantasies to M (myself too lol). To tell one he told me and that W/we got off on to a person it was about, who i genuinly like, really fried my circuits.
After i reach a certain point of discomfort with something, i fuck it up. i'm not good at expressing to others the things that i have difficulty admitting to myself or M.
i think i completely lack the ability to pull this off...i feel squirmish because i said what i said to her, and i feel like a disappointment because M's reaction to my approach was slightly less than satisfied (which is understandable). Sigh. i feel funky.

Damn sandbox...

"When are you going to learn little one, that there's times to talk back, in fact, there's times when i expect it, and there's times when you do not talk back, you just do as you are told. Your only reply is 'yes Master'." Ouchhhh. i'm a slow learner.
The edge is a very fine line. It's like balancing on a string and not falling off. Honestly, i don't know how He walks that line but it impresses the shit out of me and i'm very greatful for the balance He keeps us in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He walked up behind me and grabbed my hair. Pulling my head back, He whispered in my ear "I'm going to fuck you, and while I'm doing it, I'm going to be thinking about fucking another woman." i sputtered and pointed out the rudeness of it all. He laughed, "and you're going to be thinking about it too." Wtf...As He slid into me He made sure we were thinking the same fantasy..."We are going to go see her, have some food and coffee, then drive to a remote place. On the way, I'll get her hot and bothered while you squirm. When I stop the car I'm going to tie you to the front bumper, squatting with your hands tied above your head. I'm going to grab her by the throat and push her to her knees. Inches from your face, I'm going to slide my cock down her throat. When she does a good job, i'm going to pull out of her mouth and explode in yours."
"Now, next time you talk to her, you are going to tell her all of this. And then, you are going to ask her what she thinks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadistic bastard.

Worry

i am falling back into my overwhelming fear and worry about M. We have become so deeply entwined and His health is less than perfect, i just can't seem to let it go. i used to worry about the physical stuff of being alone, bills, kids, life shit. Now, i'm just terribly afraid to exist without Him. He is my shelter from the world, my lover, my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my blanket to hide under. i couldn't be without Him and i can't let go of the fear that something will happen to Him and i will have to. It's eating me up and i really just wish i could get over it, take life one day at a time, and sink into that feeling of everything is as it was meant to be. But i can't.

i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.

Dreams, space, and sadists

i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.

Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.

Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...

...

i am standing on the edge

of my own personal precipice

over the edge lies madness

a breath of insanity

drowning in eternal sadness

dreams, fears, and tears,

flow with the passing of these years

tendrils of emptiness curl around my mind

beckoning me inside

"come on in and hide"

take a feather

push me over

pull me out

find what is left

tape my mind back together

pick up the pieces

find some reflief

from mindless

insanity.

Shoes

After my rant, i was able to think more about why i am really having a hard time with my job (besides the obvious dispute over the kiddo). My least favorite thing isn't emptying urinals, sticking my hand down toilets (because toilet brushes are "unsanitary"), mixing up enemas, or cleaning them up afterwards; it's putting on his shoes. Sounds silly right? To me, being on my knees (or a similar position) putting on a man's shoes is a deeply submissive type of service. i let shit slide; his jokingly suggested idea that i wear a french maid outfit, his requests that i (not either of the other older or male attendants) apply lotion for him (something he is quite capable of doing himself), and his comments the one time i wore one of my shirts to work ( i usually wear M's work shirts, they are far to big for me and hide any semblance of shape lol). Dunno, i just hate feeling excessively service oriented in my job. It's service oriented work, maybe i'm just not cut out for it. It feels to...personal these days.
I hate shoes.

bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

I almost got fired this week. Still not sure it isn't coming so i started looking for another job today. i am actually rather pissed off about the whole thing, i must say. My kid had the gall to call me lazy the other day; in addition to that, i had to watch my mom's house by myself for the week. i really wasn't ready to stay there alone. it's the first time i have watched the house since my dad died and i just didn't want to spend that much time alone there. So, i decided to take the boy to work with me. i wouldn't be alone, and he could get a dose of reality seeing how i work my ass off at a shitty job. Yea, he was great. He worked his tail off with me, didn't speak unless spoken to, and was as close to friggin angelic as a kid can get. On the second night, my boss called me in and read me the riot act in a very nice voice and aggravatingly passive aggressive manner. "We didn't discuss him being here, what were you thinking, this is very unlike you! I don't want to be the bad guy so I'm not going to tell you you have to drive 3 hours in the morning to take him home and come back to work, but you just do what you think is best." Yea, i was thinking it would be a good lesson for my kid, i didn't want to be alone in my dead father's house, and my boss sleeps all day so would only have to be around the kid for a couple of hours. And yes actually, it is soooo like me to haul my kid to work. It's cleaning and running errands, not building rockets. i am sick to death of this man and the job. It's a service oriented job for a hypochondriac with medical problems who's to lazy to put on his own shoes or go to the bathroom to take a piss at night. i don't mind hard work and gross work isn't really a big deal to me. i get paid decent and i do a damn good job. More and more though, it feels like some kind of service, not a job i get to leave when i come home (i take all his calls at home, so i am basically working whenever the damn phone rings). i have a big problem with feeling like i'm serving not being employed. For one thing, in my mind, service is given to the strong, not the weak and pathetic. For two, the only person i am even remotely interested in serving the least little bit is M, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves. i don't mind being the maid. i have major issues with feeling like a servant.
Unfortunately, i have shit for qualifications and it's not easy to find another job that will pay me $12 an hour. i know lol, i have been looking.
To top it all off, i have been away from M most of the week, and now that i'm home (have to go back tomorrow unfortunately), M is busy working around the house and getting stuff done that He couldn't do during the week because He had the little one. i just wanted to come home and curl up at His feet, rest secure in the knowledge that He is the only man i will ever serve. To be where i belong.
hmmm, venting/pity party over lol. Dinner won't cook itself. On the bright side, i do feel slightly better now.

Power versus force and surrender versus submission

Sometimes i struggle with submitting and it takes a certain amount of force from M to make it happen. i try really hard not to be like that. It most often occurs when i'm feeling lazy and just don't want to do something. i would be lying to myself if i said i always succeeded in not being that way. Thinking about that got me to pondering on power versus force and surrender versus submission. i suppose those things could all be heaped into one meaning, but i see them as separate entities of their own with different meanings. To me, submitting is giving into something/someone, letting it happen. Surrender is falling to ones knees and offering--do as you please. Force is when M makes me do something--power is when His look or motion alone makes me do what He wants just to please. Force gets submission, power incurs surrender.
One is not nessessarily better than the other. Being the object force is directed at can be quite enjoyable and i love submitting. For me they bring different feelings, sensations, and emotions. i could be quite wrong here and the only differences are in how i perceive things day to day; moment to moment...
i had a really clear thought form going for a minute...i'll probably just have to add to this later lol

mother*&%$#@@#$%!!!!

An hour ago i was in a pretty damn good mood. Sure, we're broke, and the people who owe us money aren't paying up, but we have been spending a hell of a lot more time together which is all i really truly want from life. But for fucks sake, enough is enough! My washing machine apears to be broken. I have 2 and 7 year old boys and a pile of dirty laundry that doubles in size each day it's not washed. I value my damn washing machine and i want it to work damnit! Ironically, i found the manual while searching for something else last week. Can i find it now? Oh hell no, of course not. i can't even figure out wtf the "OE" on the display means. Just kill me with my own dirty laundry now lol.
Oh yea, and i had one razor left to shave with and it's now wedged between the back of the dresser and the file cabinet.
Crap.

Personals ad

Okay, before i get going here, i am sure that my sense of humor will not go over well with some, in which case flame away lol. Just keep in mind that chances are, any Dom or sub who actually practices what they preach and has spent too much time perusing the personals on Fetlife (i gotta take a break, it's making me cynical lol), is likely to understand where i'm coming from here even if they don't agree with my approach.

22 f sub seeking master for RL TPE:
I am new to the lifestyle but eager to learn. I'm looking for someone to use and abuse me for their pleasure. Willing to do anything. My hard limits are: watersports, cooking, cleaning, sharing, being used when I really want to sleep, being treated like a dirty whore, anything that doesn't fit in my box of what I think submission should be, and men over 25 (I forgot that there's necrophilia, pedophilia, beastiality, bloodsports, etc.). Master message me now, I am eager and waiting to do anything you want!

22f sub meet the master of your dreams...

19 year old master seeking slave for RL TPE:
I weigh 200 pounds, am 5'2 1/2", live in my moms basement (it's temporary I swear), I have a great picture of my cock on my profile (don't worry about the length, I'll make up for it in width),
I have a vast amount of experience with all forms of the lifestyle from bondage to jacking off, and I will make all your dreams come true. Message me NOW whores!

Uhhhh, i have no labels for this. Would it be taking things to far to post this on Fetlife?

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.

Old issues

M and the relationship we have has really helped me work through a lot of issues i had around rape and molestation. They were things i used to think about every day and now rarely enter my mind at all. I had (still do sometimes) a really hard time accepting some of the things that get me off because of those issues. i'm sure a psychologist would say that i have the kinks i do because of those issues, but who knows. it doesn't really matter to me why i am the way i am. It matters that i like who i am and i am okay with being the freak i happen to be. Many things have changed. I no longer panic at dirty talk (still working on the giving end, but receiving is a turn-on now), i now generally view younger men as something you chew up and spit out, Dominant men don't make me quite as nervous as they used to, and i no longer completely disassociate during sex. i have learned that there's a difference between dirt, and well, dirt. Some is shit that gets you off, some is scarring and traumatizing. There is one thing that really hasn't changed from when i was younger though. i had not thought about it for some time, until M brought it up the other day, not having been in any situations where i had to face it. We were talking about get-togethers for people in the lifestyle. He said we could go to one sometime but that He was concerned about me. He had noticed that the particular get-together we were looking at had a number of older men going to it and He questioned my ability to cope with being in a situation like that with older men. Yea, i do still have a bit of shit to work through. When i started thinking about it, i got really nervous and uncomfortable. when i was young, i was molested by an elderly man with emphysema. My dad died of emphysema and just hearing that particular wheeze all patients of that disease have in common was really difficult for me. i know i can't spend my whole life avoiding just being around older men and if we ever do meet others in the lifestyle i will have to. i feel different when i'm around M though. i know i am safe, it's not the same when He's not there so i don't think it would be something i can't handle. Guess i won't know till we try huh.

Coffee and french toast

Been sick for days and had to miss work again which kind of sucks because we really needed the check, but such is life.
Been thinking a lot lately about M's desire to play with another woman. Jealousy is a really hard emotion for me to control. I used to check out other women with Him. He asked me what changed and i had no response, but i did think about it. The conclusion i came to is that i used to be a lot happier with my body. i'm far more comfortable with who i am now, and i know that i don't have an ugly body, came back down to a bit underweight after both kids, but i used to have an awesome body and it's not coming back lol. I decided to take a different approach to the whole playing with someone else thing. If i'm really going to do as He has asked, i need to approach it in a very me kind of way. i guess it's taking an emotional chance by trying to find someone i can talk to and be friends with, because it will create more of an emotional connection between them as opposed to just a random plaything here and there, but if i don't, jealousy is going to eat me up more i think. i also discovered something rather personally irritating to me--i am far more disturbed by women who are disrespectful and untruthful with Him than i am with Him playing with another. Actually, it really pisses me off lol. He told me that if He ever were to physically be with another woman, it had to be someone i could sit and have coffee with in the morning. Okay, so when i'm feeling unstable, the concept of having coffee and french toast with a woman my husband just fucked is really horrifying. At the same time, D/s is about trust. We can't go vanilla for the night to accommodate someone else so she has to be submissive, or at least comfortable with it, which means she has to feel comfortable and safe enough with us to be a part of that dynamic and have coffee and french toast too, so it's a two way street.
Anyways, those are the musings of my illness laden mind for the morning lol. My house is completely thrashed from everyone being sick so i had better get off my ass and do something about it.

Mind fuck

I was reading a thread on Fetlife about what is a mind fuck. Hmmm, little did I know, M does it to me all the time lol. It's a mindfuck when i'm curled up on my knees in the cold empty bathtub and M walks out of the room, leaving me waiting...for what i'm not sure, it's a mindfuck when M tells me to find Him another woman, it's a mind fuck when M makes me talk about my fantasies or the things i have done in the past without Him. There's all sorts of mindfucks.
One thing I didn't see in the thread was anything about the other kind of mind fuck. Something M is also quite fond of and it's my favorite kind. When He crawls inside my being with His mind and I can feel Him touching me without His body. His fingers caress my soul and there's the almost physical sensation of Him sliding in me. It's a real elevator ride down into space. Hmm, that ended up being a very short thought burst. Apparently just thinking about it turns my brain to mush lol.

Wrote this like a week ago. Since i doubt i will ever be able to "finish" it, i'll post it anyways lol.