At what point does an extraneous relationship become unhealthy?

We have some type of relationship with anyone we come in regular contact with. We have a relationship with our coworkers, bosses, friends, the checkout lady who's line we always chose, and the mean one we avoid like the plague. Sure, no one wants to think they have a relationship with the fumbling pimply boy who always bags their groceries, but it is a type of extraneous relationship nonetheless. He drops my food, says have a good night when it's really morning, i smile say thanks, and walk off. That's just an example of how interaction forms minor connections all over life. The question is, at what point does an extraneous relationship become unhealthy? i mean, obviously, if the bagger boy starts following you home every time you buy milk, it's not healthy lol. But i'm really talking about more subtle issues.
Okay, getting to the point here. Anyone looking for a good BDSM read here is shit out of luck today. This is your normal everyday crap lol. So, back to my boss (no doubt anyone who reads my blog regularly is sick of hearing about it, but thanks for sticking with me anyways lol). i truly feel the relationship is becoming unhealthy but i wonder if i only feel that way because of my perception of the world--seeing things from the view of a Dominant/submissive relationship, and the fact that i don't like my job. Would i feel the way i do if i was not in a D/s relationship?
Ever met someone who Wants to be a Dominant but can't function well enough to Not have someone tell them what to do and only knows what they have read and is well aware that they won't ever actually get to be a Dom? That's my boss. So, at what point does this relationship become too unhealthy to continue (this is not one of my "keep it to yourself, i really don't want to know what the world thinks" posts, i am actually looking for input and opinions here)? Is it when i start going out of my way to dress down and be unattractive when i go to work, when he calls at 9 PM and probes about why i don't sound happy to hear from him, when he slips in a "baby" here and there, when he walks up to me wanting something and tries to sound commanding instead of just asking, is it when he buys me a haircut for Christmas, or is it when something happens that is so blatant i have to quit regardless of how badly i need the job?  i'm looking for another one, but from how the search is going, it's lucky i've got one at all. How do you curb situations like this without making things worse?

Foreplay?

i complained about the lack of foreplay. About fifty strikes in (i lost count and the Sadistic Bastard started over lol), He said, "last night Was foreplay." Only a parent would count sleeping on the couch as foreplay! Needless to say, i won't be complaining anymore and i will certainly brush up on my counting skills lol.
We were lying there, and i asked Him why He insisted on keeping the light on every time we play or fuck (i feel that bright lighting does not highlight my best features). He looked at me sweetly and said, "because it's easier for me to tell how you are doing and make sure you're okay when i can see you. Plus you're sexy." How sweet. Then out came the riding crop. What kind of twisted shit is it to make someone keep count, say please and thank you, AND ask for more?! Lol.

Romance

I woke up this morning with that annoying feeling of a head cold settling in. i am scheduled to work tomorrow and as there are no other attendants not on holiday, i can't just have someone cover my shift for me (it's against my bosses "rules" to show up sick. Though i'm 99% sure i got it from him anyways). i'll have to get over it by tomorrow lol.
M has been absolutely miserable this last couple of weeks. He has a broken tooth, no painkillers, and the dentist rescheduled Him twice into January. It's kind of odd how different things are now from before we were D/s. Before, His pain and/or sickness incurred what i assume are fairly standard feelings--sympathy, compassion for His suffering, wishing i could make it better, etc. Now it's all those things and something else that is difficult to put into words but is much harder to cope with. It's a feeling almost like my personal world is out of wack. Like things are not as they should be and are out of His control which is much more disconcerting than when things are out of my control lol.
M let me sleep all night (that's an awesome event when you are living off four hours of sleep and have a 2 year old that wakes up every hour). It's amazing how, once you have children, the most sweet and romantic thing in the world is having a husband who is willing to sleep on the couch so you can drool uninterrupted on your own pillow all night. i often kind of wish that we had discovered our dynamic before we had children just because of the vast range of experiences and possibilities that cannot be indulged with little people always running around. At the same time though, i was a different person and so was my body. i doubt i could have handled it on any level. Ironically, His Dominant tendencies were what attracted me most to Him in the first place (though being over six feet tall and gorgeous didn't hurt lol). The thing is, as He points out, i wanted Him but had absolutely NO idea what to do with Him ( i was fifteen, cut me a little slack. He doesn't).
i'm not sure why i am thinking about all of this today. Maybe it's because life is so different now than it was this time last year. It's amazing and disturbing how much your life can change over the course of one year. Plans are made and change, children grow, loved ones die, relationships evolve. This has been one hell of a year and i sure hope the one to come is a lot smoother.
In the end, all i know is that i love Him more now than ever before and life is to precious and short just to let it pass you by.

Uumm...

A riding crop...What ever was i thinking buying that vicious little instrument that must have been created in hell? i mean seriously, anyone who uses that on a horse is just mean lol. i underestimated it...i tried to say i thought i had made a terrible mistake and it should be returned to Santa. By then it was to late though. He had already discovered that it had flex and could easily be used on my entire body. He refused to send it back to Santa in exchange for a less evil implement.
Merry Christmas and holy shit that hurts! Okay, well maybe i like it just a little bit...

Dreams, what wicked things they can be

 He grabs me. Dragging into a bedroom He rips my clothes off and throws me on the bed with my ass in the air. i feel the cold hard steel of a gun barrel pressed against the side of my head as He thrusts in and out of me, using me purely for His own pleasure.
So what's more fucked up, that i had the dream, or that i found it a turn-on? It's a rhetorical question, not sure i really want to know what anyone thinks about that lol. The next morning when i admit my dream to M in the light of day *shudder*, He smiles softly at me and brushes a tendril of hair out of my face. "My damaged little one. That was an option but I didn't want to break you."
Everyone has fantasies. i don't care who you are, what you do, or how kinky you aren't. The only real differences are how extreme our fantasies are, and whether or not we admit to having them.

Why?

Now, why would a no-longer-masochistic sub (i swear i'm not, He swears i am. It's a matter of contention), buy her Master implements of torment to torture her with? i keep asking myself this question. i am sure come tomorrow night, after He gets a chance to experiment with His new toys, i will just settle on the obvious answer--i'm completely nuts and secretly hate myself. For now though (since He doesn't actually have them in His possession), i can say "because He wanted them."

Gifts

My boss gave me a Christmas present. A very nice, thoughtful, personal present. i'm not really sure how to feel about it though. One of our male friends would never get me a haircut. In my world, men you're not married to give you things like dishes or blankets. So, while the gift was nice, thoughtful, something i need but would never get myself, it made me a bit uncomfortable. To put it into context, my employer is an avid romance reader, looks for any excuse to insert "baby" into a sentence, and is mostly bed-bound so he has more contact with me than any one else. And unfortunately, i'm about the only thing in his life that he has any control over so he excersizes it with gusto. i go out of my way to dress down for my job in an effort to be completely sexless (which is kind of a double edged sword for me, it's hard to feel sexy when you spend most of your days attempting Not to be sexy lol). When i told M about the gift, He raised His eyebrows and offered up nothing other than a disapproving frown and "he's a bit sick and twisted if you ask me. I told you you're a fantasy for Him." A comment that i responded adamantly to with, "i prefer to think of it as just a nice gift." But still...

Death shows you what you are Really made of

Interesting things happen when someone you love is dying (i know that sounds callous, but i feel i'm in a position to be callous about death if i want to lol). First, you realize what the dying person is made of. i mean, who they Really are under the facade of humanity. Then, the fun part: you discover what You are made of. If you think you're tough, if you think you're weak--what you Think you are doesn't matter because it's going to be stripped away. By the time that person dies, you will no longer be who you were before. How you cope in those moments will show you what you're made of underneath your facade of humanity. After that, you see with blinding clarity what Other people are made of. Grown men may cry on your shoulder, women will call you weeping and begging for comfort (really, it's ridiculous. i had to screen all my mother's calls for a week. i may be weak at times, but some people are just pathetically selfish). You will see who really cares when the shit hits the fan. Some will sit the death watch by your side, some will bring you food and something to ease your loved one's pain, some will run away and cry, some will stay away as if death itself is contagious, and some will dig a six foot hole by the light of the moon. Then, when your loved on is securely in the ground, the shell of who they used to be hidden forever from the light of day, most of those people will fade away.  To afraid to see what they are really made of.
i am not now who i was before. But now i know what i am made of.

Blogging and the inherent judgment of human kind

Us humans are a judgmental lot. i was reading kk's blog, sweet submission this morning, and i was reminded of the ever-present tendency for those who have no say in our lives to tell us we are not submissive enough. The funny thing is, such assertions are generally made online--the place where you find a plethora of preening "Doms," each claiming to be the best you have never seen. Yes, a blog is a public forum. By writing in it, you are inviting the outside world to take a peek into your life. Sometimes it's difficult not to adjust your writing for your readers. Especially when your most loyal reader happens to be  the one person who's opinion matters most--your Dominant. But as an avid read of BDSM oriented blogs (M pointed this out the other night in a far to satisfied way), i can honestly say that my favorites are the ones who are written by those who blog for themselves regardless of what others may think or want to read. It's the blogs that show an honest expression of who that person is that i find most fascinating. As a blog writer, i find it loses personal benefit as a form of retrospection if i begin adjusting it for others. After all, isn't it kind of the point to use ones blog as an avenue of sharing the truth and self-introspection?
Anyways, i suppose it's rather redundant to blog about blogging lol.
M and i were talking last night in bed. i very much like it when He talks to me, not such a huge fan of being forced to participate in the conversation lol. i asked Him why He made me admit to being such a whore. his reply was "because if you are hiding the truth from me, you're also hiding it from yourself. If you know why you do something it's much easier to control. When people don't know Why they do what they do or are the way they are, that's when we fuck up the most. Because we have lied to ourselves, we don't know who we truly are." Now how is a used and mostly incoherent sub supposed to comment in a conversation like that?

Follow through

Being submissive has made me a better parent. i know that might seem odd, but it's true. The biggest instance is punishment. i have learned not to threaten punishment and not follow through (okay, so it's pretty basic, but everything seems much more cut and dry Before you actually have rug-rats running around. They don't come with an owners manual you know). Yesterday i had "diarrhea of the mouth" as M likes to say and He warned me multiple times that i had it coming in a big way. "At least 25, maybe My hand, maybe the belt, maybe a coat hanger." i don't know what exactly is wrong with me lately. i have been all stuck in my head and shit which seems to prompt mouthiness and a desire to be not-submissive. Anyways, come bedtime, i was expecting to pay my dues. i sucked, we fucked, it didn't come. He asked me what i was thinking about (it's a real pain in the ass when someone knows you inside out), i tried to get around it, because i just wanted to sleep and really had no interest in having my ass blistered. i fessed up to some confusion regarding the absence of the promised punishment. He lifted an eyebrow, "I was going to let you off easy, we could just call it a mindfuck and leave it at that." Horror must have been clearly reflected on my face. i was headed for a no fun whipping but couldn't stop myself."A mindfuck?! How the hell am i supposed to know if you mean it or not when you say something. Why should i listen if it all might just be a mindfuck?" The eyebrows lowered and He reached for His belt, me squirming and protesting that it was okay and He really didn't have to this time. "If I don't you will think less of Me." "i won't think less of you, i'll just think you don't have follow through and mean what you say." Let me just point out, that forthcoming honesty is a real bitch and that belt hurts something awful.
But He loves me enough to punish me for my own good, He loves me enough to do what He says He will. He loves me enough to follow through.
Ouch.

101

i didn't realize until i logged in this morning, that my last post was number 100. Thus, the completely generic title of this one lol. i have been thinking about why i blog. Why not use pen and paper? Well, for one thing, i'm not artistic so it wouldn't look cool like the blog does. For another, my kids aren't yanking pieces of paper out of my hands while i write. But really i think it mostly comes down to the fact that it's an easy venue for me to be honest. i can tell M things through the blog that i am to chicken to admit in conversation. It's a public forum which puts my inner thoughts and fantasies where anyone can see them and sometimes i'm a little bit curious about what people think. Also, it's kind of liberating to admit things to the world that i have a hard time accepting in myself. It's a way of hiding in plain site that i rather enjoy.

M bought me tires yesterday. He was grumbling about taking me to work because our tires were shit and i was afraid i wouldn't make it back up our driveway in the snow. But He decided to drive me and buy tires. So, tires are far from sexy, but i could feel myself drooling over them like new toys. A combination of omg, i'm not afraid to drive anymore, and it's really hot to have a Dominant who loves me enough to drive me in the snow and put tires on my car. Yea i know, it's kind of strange what a person can find sexy.
i have been feeling somewhat resentful about submission lately. Mostly because i'm always tired and it brings out my lazy side leading to statements like, "do you know what time it is?! i don't want to suck your dick, i need sleep!" Yea, i used to think i was a masochist, but the more sadistic He becomes, the more i think that i really do not like pain lol. It's odd though, when He's causing me pain and talking me through it, i can handle a lot more than if He's just silently abusing me (yea yea, don't get your panties in a twist, i know the difference between real abuse and a sadist making Himself happy).
He likes to make me do things that i find unpleasant just to see that i'm willing to do them because He wants me to.Not sure exactly how i feel about that lol.

ooh

i don't remember exactly what i was saying. i was mouthing off about something. Next thing i knew, my feet had been swept out from under me and i was on my back on the floor, hands above my head with His knee in my chest. "Next time you're having diarrhea of the mouth little one, you should really just shut up."

Tied, part I

Her Master opened the door and gestured her to walk through it. Stepping into the room she saw a bed, armchairs, and the standard hotel room cabinet hiding a television she was pretty sure she wasn't going to see. He tossed their luggage haphazardly in a pile and dropped languidly into one of the armchairs. His eyes twinkled sadistically as He ordered her to strip. "Now?" She protested, wistfully eying the other armchair and huge gilded tub in the bathroom. He arched an eyebrow at her "are you telling Me no little one?" His tone was quiet. The kind of quiet that says it's not really a question and there's only one right answer anyways. Pouting she slipped her t-shirt over her head and slid her jeans down. Kicking them off she, directed her attention to the thin black thong that really offered no coverage to her smoothly shaved pussy. "Leave it" He commanded. Pointing at the small black suitcase at His feet He ordered her to open it. "cuffs, blindfold, gag, rope, clips, and knife. Lay them out on the nightstand." She obeyed, glancing nervously at the open curtains pulled back to reveal full length panes of glass. His looked at her "don't you dare close those curtains little one. No one can see from down on the ground and anyone who can see from that building will just be getting a nice show now won't they." She felt the heat in her face traveling uncomfortably down her body and settling into her core. "Sadistic bastard." He grinned shamelessly at her. "That's right, and don't you forget it. Now, on the bed on your back. She sighed resignedly and pulled back the blankets settling herself onto the bed. He slipped a line of rope through the headboard and picked up the cuffs. Black leather lined with red felt and covered in o-rings. After fastening them around her wrists, He pulled her hands up above her head and and hooked the cuffs to pre-tied loops in the rope. He always used hooks that she could undo herself if she had to. She had only unhooked herself once in the heat of the moment. She cringed at the memory. Every action has consequences. He proceeded to cuff her ankles and hook them to a rope He had tied to the bedposts spreading her legs wide as He did so. He took a moment to inspect her pussy, spread open and beginning to get wet in anticipation. He knew it made her uncomfortable to be stared at like that and He smiled sadistically as she began to squirm. Then came the blindfold. As her world sank into darkness she began to struggle slightly. He bent over her, grabbing her by the back of the head "do you trust me completely?" She let out the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding, "yes Master. i trust you completely." He let go of her hair. "Good." As the gag slipped between her lips He said, "remember that. Remember that i protect you. And in return, you submit to me and i own you. Mind, body, and soul. I own you little one." She nodded silently. Her other senses began compensating for the loss of sight. She heard Him moving around the room. Heard the door open and close. She whimpered through the gag, begging incoherently for some sign that He was still there. He had never tied her up and left before! But there were no reassuring words of his presence. She fell silent and listened carefully to the lack of sound in the room. He was gone. She repressed a moment of panic at being left alone tied to the bed in a hotel room in a strange city. After what seemed like an eternity, there was a sound of a key in the lock and the door sliding open. She gave a sigh of relief, followed by a nervous unintelligible plea for Him to say something. "Damn, there really is a naked woman tied to the bed." She froze. That was not her Master's voice. She listened, waiting to hear His voice replying to the unknown man. The reply never came. She heard footsteps as the man moved to stand beside the bed. She began struggling, not undoing the hooks was so ingrained in her that releasing herself wasn't even a thought. "mmmm" the unknown voice was very close now. The sound of a zipper being undone was loud as cymbals in the otherwise silent room. Fear flooded through her, disconcertingly leading to a growing wet patch between her legs. The sound of the knife being removed from the bedside table wrenched a strangled squeal out of the gag. She felt it slide up her thigh and froze, moaning in fear and anticipation. The knife slid slowly up the crack of her ass slicing the black thong off leaving her completely exposed. She tried  to close her legs in a futile effort to hide her dripping pussy and the evidence of what a whore she was that it so clearly displayed. Where was Master? She tried to think through the fog. Subspace had consumed her and she was no longer functional enough to form a complete thought. His words echoed in her mind, "do you trust me completely?" She tensed slightly as hands slid up her thighs, dipping slightly into her wetness. Abruptly, the hand withdrew and she felt herself blushing from head to toe in shame. Then a wet stream of piss began to splash across her back and she panicked. Master had agreed that no other man would ever be allowed to mark her their property like a common animal. She began flailing around and clawing at the hooks that kept her hands tied to the bed. Suddenly, a large familiar hand wrapped around her throat and squeezed tightly. "you said you trust me completely My little one."

Morning coffee and fear in BDSM

In the morning, i hop out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, say good morning to my kids, and settle in front of my blog. Okay, well, that's not exactly right. In the morning (if M is gracious enough to let me off without morning sex, which goes against all that is good and right in the world. i haven't had coffee yet so sex is bad lol), i stumble blearily out of bed, grumpy that i'm awake at all. Stumbling thought the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, i throw on a pot of coffee and acknowledge my childrens existence with a grunted "good morning" and  "if you want food, make it yourself and don't ask me anything before my coffee comes up." Then my coffee is up, my kids have some form of food, and i settle down to ramble on the blog. Super sexy right? i know, i'm a dream in a sweatshirt lol. But come on now, we all live some sort of reality, and it's not all whips and chains all the time.

On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.

Dominance, submission, and love

Okay, so it's possible i have a post floating around my blog with this same thread of thought, but oh well lol.
i have been thinking about D/s and how love fits into the dynamic. i read somewhere once, that love interferes with a Dominants ability to be successful. Such as not wanting to hand out an earned punishment, use a sub for their own wants, etc. In the beginning of our shift to D/s, i wondered if what i had read was true. Now, exploring the abyss, i realize that i could be Dominated without love, but i could not completely surrender myself. . Because i love Him and He is true, i trust Him. Because He loves me, He won't do anything that will irreparably damage me. He see's the difference between what i want and what i need. The two are not mutually exclusive and what i need is far more important to Him than what i want (yea, the wanty me complains a lot lol). Because He loves me, i trust Him more. Love inspires me to do my best, to strive not to disappoint, to be the best submissive i can for Him. Love and trust allow me to fear an event, but not M Himself.
 D/s has deepened our love, enhanced our trust, and inspired our relationship to travel to new heights. Without the love we already had for each other, i would have always been to afraid to take the first step on this path. i would have never known this vast range of emotions, sensations, and mind-altering events that i have experienced with M. Being head over heels in love, and at the same time owned, scares the shit out of me. After 12 years, it still scares the shit out of me. Even more so now because i feel so completely dependent on Him. i used to feel financially dependent on Him but that's not what i'm talking about. More like depending on someone for your sanity, your happiness, stability in fumbling through life, the security of your being. He's what keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night, He's who keeps me from telling the people who piss me off to go die and picking up a baseball bat (yes, i am that mean natured and volatile at heart), He's what keeps me from being an out and out whore, He is my shelter from the world. And this world can be a cold, cruel, and painful place.
i am grateful for the love in our D/s. And i am forever grateful to M for being who He is and giving me what i need; regardless of what i think i want.

Today, better than yesterday

It's amazing what a couple of days off in a row spent with M can do for me. i feel like a completely different human being than the one that wrote my last post. Well, i had deeply disturbing dreams, but i'm not giving them access to reality by writing about them lol.
There is something about simply just being used that satiates my internal unrest. The act of surrendering to His will and sinking into the feeling of being owned has a way of making everything else fade away. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be whatever it is.
M and i have been talking about my job. He's getting irritated with it because He feels i am doing a lot of stuff that simply isn't in my job description. Right now, my boss is wanting to dictate a letter to me then have me sign MY name to it and send it to one of his doctors. Now, i don't have a problem taking dictations, and i don't really have a problem if he wants me to write a letter on his behalf. i do have a problem signing my name to something i was not allowed to write. M and i were talking about it and He said, "you don't have to do everything he wants. If something makes you feel bad, just don't do it." i like his advice, it's just easier to follow when one doesn't desperately need the job lol.
M went out to run errands yesterday and left me doing some work for Him. i looked around the house and couldn't help myself. It feels like ages since i had the opportunity to clean it in anticipation of His return and have a hot dinner on the table when He got home (as a result, i have work to finish this morning, but that's okay). As i was making M a plate, i realized how very much i miss being of service in His house. Our dynamic was shaped over time, but, in the past, even before we became D/s, i always cleaned and prepared dinner for Him. Now i spend all week doing it for someone else. It's creating an internal conflict that i am having a difficult time reconciling with. i don't have a problem being out working. i just have a hard time doing things for someone else that i have always reserved for M. i miss the days when M was the only person on earth who told me what to do lol.

The bullshit we make for ourselves

 If you're looking for something to read that isn't depressing, i suggest skipping this post and scrolling down lol.

Well, it's my day off and in the typical fashion of late, nothing has gone as it was supposed to. i woke up with that lovely back pain that says "yes, you need to give in a go get it worked on, but you're going to work all week instead," and M has spent His day mucking around with the septic system so we are getting no time together and i can't really blame Him for being in a terrible mood.

Right before my dad died, he said "the only things that matter are love and family. Everything else is just bullshit we make for ourselves." And it's really true. Of course, he was on his way out of this world, so all that bullshit we make for ourselves and it's impact on life, love, and family didn't matter to him anymore. It really hit me last night how very much i miss him. For a while i felt overwhelming grief, then a kind of numbness. Now i just miss him terribly. i am who i am because of him. At least he had the good graces to apologize lol (no, really, it was a Hallmark moment that sums up my family--when he was dying i told him, "i am who i am today because of you," his reply was "yea, sorry about that hehe"). The missing is almost worse than that initial grief. In the beginning all of my emotions seemed so pure and clear. Now that he's nothing more than a fading memory, a man my youngest son will forget, a picture on the wall, grief is like a rippling pool of murky water. i'm stuck in it and i can't get out. There are very few things in life that we can count on continuously, like the saying about death and taxes being life's only certainties. Well, for me, it was death, taxes and dad. i guess i'm down to death and taxes now lol. He was 57 years old when he died. He was loyal, sweet, an asshole, a gardener, a grandfather, and above all else, an honest human being who loved being inspired and believed integrity and truth were the core of goodness. He was my father and i miss him more than i ever thought i could.

All i can seem to see these days is the bullshit we have made for ourselves, the ineptitude of humanity, and the cynical side of life on earth. Like a lot of people, i'm overworked, underpaid, miss my kids, and wish i could just get shit straight once and for all. Sometimes it's just all a bit to much.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

My blog is having an identity crisis...

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...

Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.

un-submissive submissive

i am feeling excessively un-submissive today. Life is kicking my ass and i'm really just feeling tired, irritable, pissy, and depressed. M and i have both been working our asses off with just enough time to say "how was your day?" before passing out in separate rooms. Yet still, the bills are piling up, the car needs work, the cupboards are empty, my mom needs food, and no one is willing to pay what they owe. i have really had it up to my ears with humanity in general at this point.
Usually submission makes me feel safe, balanced, like no matter what else is going on, everything is okay. Today, i don't want to submit in any way. i don't want to be touched, i don't want to be told what to do, i don't want to play, i don't want to deal with my kids (who i actually happen to miss being at work all the time), i want to sit on the couch and sulk in silence. My "just do what needs to be done and take care of shit," attitude has faded dramatically after realizing that no matter how i take care of shit, it's not making a bit of difference. When my dad died, he wanted me to take care of mom. Fuck, at the moment, i'm hardly taking care of my kids. Last time i visited my mom, she had no food. i came home and searched the cabinets for food to give her. Yea, old cookies and coffee, the diet of champions. We seem to be reaching new heights of screwed on a daily basis lol.
My cranky un-submissive ass is getting in the shower with a razor (for a long overdue shave, not to slit my wrists).

Pride

Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...