It's good to be Owned

Being owned can be a bit of a bitch at times. But when it comes right down to it? It's good to be owned.
This train of thought was inspired by the fact that Alpha decided I no longer have to deal with our insurance company--He's the only person who gets to bend me over lol.

It's good to have some shelter from the storms, a shoulder to occasionally hide behind, a guiding hand to hold.

I have not been at my best lately--physically I'm tired of the constant pain, mentally I've been obstinate and cranky. And He's been kind to me. Sometimes I wonder why He loves my roller-coaster ride so much...Maybe it's more thrilling than solid ground? Dunno, but I hate roller-coasters!

Being owned is a challenge--I do so like getting my way (c'mon, I'm pretty sure most people do) and I don't always agree.
But in a way? Being caged has set me free.
It's ironic to find freedom through being owned--but I get to be me. And He accepts me for who and what I am. Which makes me more accepting of myself.

Sometimes I need a place to hide from life. It's a side effect of being human. And He gives me that. Sometimes He gives me that little shove out into the world to make me function on my own. But He still stays by my side.

When it comes right down to it?

It's good to be owned.

Following the recipe

I used to cook dinner every night and I have to admit, after ten years, I got a bit tired of it. After all, everything is better when someone else cooks it right? That turns out not to be true.
While sil was here, she did the cooking when I was at work. I have to say, when you have all day, it's quite possible to come up with meals that are far more edible than the ones she produced. So I have been on a bit of a kick with the whole dinner thing. And you know what? Cooking still isn't my favorite pastime, but I do love setting a meal in front of Alpha and hearing how much He likes it.
Surely this isn't some sort of service oriented part of my personality beginning to break through...Nah. Must be my selfish need for approval.

Anyways, thinking about cooking got me to thinking about recipes. I love finding new and awesome ones, but I usually change and adapt them after the first try. Turn them into something I think is better and more suited to our needs.

Perhaps it was a bit of a stretch, but this general train of thought veered into a D/s context. Specifically how there seem to be lots of recipes out there--follow this one for a better submissive, follow that one to make a better Dominant.
Recipes are all about what we want right, using certain ingredients and steps to create a specific item with the desired outcome and predictable results. When it comes to D/s, I think a lot of relationships have problems because they are trying to follow a recipe--someone elses recipe.

Much like cooking, there is no universal right or wrong way to experience ttwd. Sure, there are certain basic elements to creating something that is great or mundane--but individuality always wins. It's about experimenting with your ingredients and tweaking them to meet your needs.
It's about making and following your own recipe as you go.

The Gods must be bored

This is all rant--humor free.

I try to keep a sense of humor even when I'm bitching, but really? After a certain point my sense of humor just bites the dust. Last month I was fairly sure that the powers that be have gotten bored over time and were simply enjoying watching me fall on my face. This week? Beyond reality for shit going wrong.

Over the course of a month:
An uninsured driver rear-ended me and drove off.
Two weeks later my car broke down (unrelated supposedly).
Sil and monster turned our lives upside down.
The PCO program that cuts my paychecks left me rude messages questioning my quality of work (I may despise my job, but I'm damn good at it).
Alpha's search for summer contracts was unsuccessful.
My car which was bought new off the lot and has been payed off for a whopping three years drives like some lego invention my kids threw together.
My back and neck still feel like someone has tied knots in a string and has been plucking at said knots for over a month. And those constant headaches I have had since the accident seem to be setting in for the long haul.
The rental car our insurance company got us for while our car was in the shop? Yea, twenty minutes in the grocery store and it has a two foot long dent in the side (oh yay, another deductible) Really?? For fucks sake...

And now? Our insurance company informs us that our car is fucked and unsafe to drive (suspension is shot, frame is bent, bumper is jacked up), but they aren't going to fix it because it has aftermarket suspension and the bumper has weld marks that it actually had when we bought it. Yay for minor factory defects huh.
They were kind enough to inform us that we were welcome to take it to a shop that wasn't there's (that's a scam and a half), but no way in hell would they pay for it.

This last year has been like a bad joke and I'm not finding it funny any more.

The Gods may not be crazy, but perhaps they have gotten bored over aeons and developed an exceptionally perverse sense of humor.

Sexy is a state of mind

I think that sexy is a state of mind.

I'm not talking about the people who just know they're sexy and "you are so blessed just to rest your eyes upon me--look at me, I'm sooo sexy." That's not really sexy. In fact men like that make me think about things like walking all over them in high heels. Ahem, neither my normal state of mind or something I personally find in the least bit sexy. And women like that? Well, they bring out that nasty little cat in me lol.

Anyone can be sexy because it's a state of mind.

And it's a state of mind that has been exceptionally elusive to me lately (of course, being surrounded by screaming raging children constantly doesn't help. Oh yes, I'm sexy, just let me finish disciplining this eight year old, repeating myself to that three year old, and scraping the two year old off my leg). Times like these are when my self-image interferes with my state of mind and sexy seems like a far off place.

I have spent parts of my life trying to be sexy ("trying" doesn't work, it's just not the same), and other times I spent trying Not to be sexy, something I got down to a science--it's a way of avoiding the creeps and staying under the radar.

Sexy doesn't care what you are wearing (though hey, it can sure help with said mental state), or particularly what you're doing. Sexy is in your head, how you are feeling, what you are thinking. It is indiscriminate of age, sex, race, and station. It's an enjoyable place to be.

So you see, sexy is a state of mind--one I would like to spend a little more time in.

A path to personal growth or the human desire to get off?

So, like I said in my last post, I read "The Story of M" a few days ago and was rather disappointed. The back of the book promises a story of growth and a woman claiming her sexuality by becoming a slave (alright, so the irony wasn't lost on me, but hey, the last time a BDSM related book fell in my lap was never, so I was ready to read it).
And yes, a couple hundred pages of smut was quite entertaining for someone who has been book deprived lately and desperately wanted to escape the reality of her living room, but where was that whole bit about personal growth and evolution as a being? She got over her jealousy issues and hey, as my own personal green-eyed little monster, I can't fault anyone for that or say it isn't an accomplishment. But if you want to write smut, nothing wrong with calling it what it is lol.

Anyways...It did get me to thinking about ttwd--is it really just a way to get your rocks off, or does it offer a twisted path to personal growth if you chooses to walk it? Hey, I'm all about getting off, but it isn't the most important thing.

Looking back over the last few years, we have both grown a lot. We have evolved as human beings and our relationship has solidified in amazing ways. Is our relationship based solely on ttwd? Certainly not. But it is deeply entwined in who we are and the way I see Alpha and myself, and the world as a whole has changed. I used to see strength and independence as exerting my will, usually in an attempt to get my way.
Now I see them in a completely different light--independence is the ability to think for yourself and make the best decisions possible when they are yours to make. And strength? Well, sometimes it takes a hell of a lot more to acquiesce than it does to get your way.

Ttwd isn't about whips and chains (thought I am not knocking the whips and chains. May I please have a pillow too?), it's about what goes on in our minds and how we can connect on a deeper level. Perhaps even grow as human beings.

Just one quick little venting...

We officially have our living room back! Things got very close to going Very badly--I expect children to behave within certain standards and be punished equally within their age ranges and I was one bad day away from losing my shit on sil and turning her kid over my knee for being a mean little monster. It's kind of sad you know, I love my niece, but she's not turning out to be a very good little person. Which I blame on shoddy parenting. I try not to judge--everyone has their own ways, but holy fucking hell!

Okay, rant out of system and feeling much better now lol.

I read "The Story of M" and was terribly disappointed. Nothing wrong with smut, it can even be kind of fun to read, but was it really necessary to market the book as a tale of growth?

My insurance company sucks--the next time some smarmy man tells me that "whatever is wrong with your car must have happened before [that stupid bitch ran into me]," he's going to get an earful.

I have been horribly lax with my submission and I have little doubt that there's going to be hell to pay. I wasn't trying to be a shit...it just kind of happened...

Alpha is going to have one last go at collecting the money He is owed from the job He did this time last year--it would make one hell of a difference in our lives right about now. Not holding my breath though.

It rained!! That's almost just short of a miracle. It was the first real rain of the year which is just ridiculous.

And all those boxes seem to no longer be stacked neatly in front of my mental door--they seem to be spread dramatically across the room, though still contained--if there's anything I'm good at, it's keeping things locked up, so nothing has escaped yet lol.

Hopefully we now return to the regularly scheduled programming of my crazy ramblings.

Life is a Roller Coaster Ride

So I'm sitting in my living room with about two hours left before sil and monster crash back in. Perfect time for one of those introspective and deep posts right? Except that there are way to many thoughts in my mind. It's getting a bit crowded and the door seems to be blocked by a very large pile of boxes (unlabeled of course. What's with the lack of organization in here?)

Life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride around here and I was hanging in pretty good (haven't puked on anyone, yelled at innocent bystanders, or made a jump for it), until I found out that Alpha has to go back for another round of tests. Well, there goes the happy little bubble of denial!

I have been on my own personal roller coaster of submission too. And eventually I had pushed back long enough to get whipped for it. And I did feel kind of bad because, why fight against something you want and need so bad?? I apologized in the best possible place, you know, that one where everything seemed hazy and unreal except for the shoulder my head was on. And Alpha kind of surprised me--He said it was okay because it kept things interesting. Continuous mindless submission bores Him.
However, I would like to submit a request for a memo to be sent out every time I have gone to far--before the whipping.

Oh, is that what all those verbal warnings about getting my ass back in my place or facing the consequences were? Geez, He should have really labeled them better...

Anyways, I will be continuing to fuel myself with unhealthy amounts of caffeine and hanging on to the scraps of my sanity until this weekend when sil and monster are supposed to be moving to greener pastures.

And then maybe some of those deep and introspective, (possibly somewhat interesting), thoughts will actually make it out of the mess in my head and onto my blog.

Random ranting

Normally when life turns upside down and inside out, my blog does too. This time I just haven't been able to post. And I miss it. Because all the introspective crap I spew? It helps me work through life and submission and my multiple occasional issues. It helps me get the excess thoughts out of my mind which makes a big difference in the quality of my submission--whenever I have to much going on in my mind it's harder for me to get out of my head and just let go.
After a while, my head sounds like a train station and all those multiple thoughts that may have originated as something constructive, become one big mess. And this post will probably reflect that lol.

Focusing on my submission makes me a better sub, it keeps me balanced, and makes the overwhelming mess of our daily life more manageable. And when that focus slips? I get all out of whack.
And Alpha is off kilter with life...and I feel a bit like my grasp on life is slipping. Of course, it's a luxury I don't have--because He's always the one with a sense of optimism and that unshakeable faith that everything is going to be okay. And I don't believe in dropping the ball when it gets thrown at me...Still, optimism doesn't suit me. I'm far more accustomed to sarcasm and cynicism--they fit me so much better lol.

Anyways, rumor has it that sil and child (who is very close to getting turned over my knee for what I believe to be completely unacceptable behavior that I would never tolerate from my own children. That shit's contagious too. I swear it's worse than the flue...) will be moving on to someone else's living room this weekend. That alone will make a huge difference. Our life just isn't compatible with having them here.

So my new focus? Focusfocusfuckingfocus! And get back to where I belong. Then the world will turn right side up again...or at least back to it's normal tilt lol.

Happy Birthday

I could go on about many different things, because I miss venting and musing and reflecting here on a more regular basis...But today is about something else completely.

Today is about you my love. And your birthday is one of my favorite days. Because without it I would not have you in my life. I'm sorry I don't have time for a super well thought out post, or something extra smart and humorous...But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I am truly yours forever.

My love

My life

My husband

My Master

Happy Birthday!

                                                                     

I look forward to celebrating it with you until I am to old to be trusted with using an oven to make your cake.

Learning curve

I learned a few things over the past couple of weeks...

Laying on the ground under the stars is Not as enjoyable as it used to be (I'll take my whips and chains with pillow and blanket please).

If Alpha is to sit in the back seat of our car, His feet must be on the dashboard (don't ask).

Insurance companies are not as helpful as their commercials make them out to be (I mean really, is it necessary to have five different people on your case? It's not like any of them actually return calls).

I can dress super fast when standing naked on the side of the road (that was exceptionally mean).

I really hate cheap coffee (what do they put in that shit, mud for color and old grounds for flavor?).

It is possible to hold ones temper when one wants to kill their boss (there really is a limit though...should my ass ever be mentioned again it'll walking off to more poorly paid pastures).

It's damn hard to be submissive in a two bedroom household of six (still waiting for that five bedroom to land in the backyard).

We need a regular date night (everyone wants to say how great my kids are but nobody wants to keep them overnight. Wtf...).

I miss being able to spend enough time in front of my blog to respond to comments (kind of miss my living room too).

And did I mention that I really hate cheap coffee?

Realizations of what we have become

I realized something today while I was browsing back through a couple of the sites I used to read when we first began exploring D/s--we have become that which I thought I could only dream of, something I was sure could only be a fantasy lived by someone other than myself.
The only times we aren't that is when I, for whatever reason, balk and run. Which, I am somewhat ashamed to admit, has been quite a bit lately.

I read something at Castle Realm today, and I realized, that's what Alpha does with me. It is why, sometimes when I check out, and find myself begging for help to come back, that He simply says "then come back to me," while I'm fluttering madly. It's about me making the choice to return because I want to. Not because I am called.

He has shown me that He is not the person I assumed Him to be. I am not the woman I previously believed I was.

There are many wondrous and scary things in this world. Some are both.

And ttwd? It is most definitely both.

Responses

I have been informed that my response times are terrible. You know, the time between when a command is issued and obeyed. I guess that's how I found myself in the kitchen making cookies at 9:45 instead of 9:15 last night...Naturally, that is not the kind of response I want to talk about right now though, lol.

I'm talking about a new and rather disturbing kind of response--where He says something and my body reacts regardless of what my mind is telling me. And it's ridiculously specific too. For instance, I can't cum unless He tells me to. I just friggin can't, no matter how badly I want to. Last night He said "yes." That's a green light to go right? Ummm, no. Because apparently, and very much to my dismay, I can't cum without the word He has been using every time for about six months.

And the other day, we were laying on the couch, not really doing anything, and He told me to relax. I felt my body just...do it.

Now on one hand, I gotta admit, it's all kind of cool. On the other hand? It's quite apparent that I am no longer the person in charge of some of my body's responses. And it's a little bit disturbing. Because, well, it's one thing to know something is possible--it can be another thing completely to actually experience it.