Controlling the Whore

I swear, for as tiny as it is, everything around here happens in the kitchen.

I'm sitting there innocently sipping on the second cup of coffee (which I once again have to share as he has decreed I am no longer contagious. Damn), when out of the blue, he walks up, gives me those "warning" eyes, and says, "you can be as much of a slut and whore as you want. As long as I control it completely."

Well umm, lemme finish choking on my coffee here....

"Where did that come from, did you have bad dreams about me last night?"

He plopped down in the chair in front of me, and smiled, "no, I'm just sayin..."

So of course I started thinking. Apparently he thinks more than I thought.

So then, is it his responsibility to get and exert that control, or is it my responsibility to give it?
Or is it a joint responsibility for him to control that part of me so completely?

Yea I know, I'm not trying to be difficult, promise lol.

But I don't think I'm going to ask him. At least not before more coffee.

Eh, I think I get too caught up in asking things like this when really my focus should be on letting myself out of the box.
Then we'll deal with the consequences lol.

He said he would catch me. So maybe it's not such a bad thing to fall.

Craving Domination

I was thinking about why I crave Domination. Then I was questioning the question and began wondering why it matters that I do, then why I have such a hard time admitting I crave it.

Still with me?

Naturally, I got sidetracked--by wondering about the differences between craving submission, and craving Domination.

Perhaps craving Domination is craving submission too because you can't really have one without the other...?

 Lol.

Alpha, quite often craves sex.
Above all, I crave Domination.

And the two can often be quite nicely intertwined. But I also crave Domination without sex.

He's busy, it's time to plant the garden, trying to finish the boys room, hopefully some paying work coming up soon, etc. And me, left to my own devices, what do I do? Think of course. And not about tomatoes either.
It's damned inconvenient I might add.

But I sit here and I think about his control. About being Dominated.
And I know
That I submit because, deep in the core of my being, I need Domination.

Yea, there's something to be said about the whole, "I submit because______" ritual.

Because it makes me think about why I submit. And for the first few weeks, it was pretty easy--obvious answers, no real thought required. But then I used up all the easy answers lol. So I have to look just a little bit closer, dig just a little bit deeper, open up just a little bit more.


When I think about my fantasies, every single one revolves around D/s. Actually lol, they run a bit more extreme than our normal interactions. Yea, that's the "bedroom fantasies" post that will probably never be written. Unless he goes through another one of those phases where he wants to hear them and gives me an out to write them instead lol.

Funny how it can be easier to admit some things to the whole world than to look someone in the eyes and say it out loud. Eh, he's not one much for giving easy outs anyways.

And how the hell did I end up here from up there? Maybe I need more coffee...Or less...Better just err on the side of caution and say more.

The Theme This Week Is....

 All things that revolve around bedrooms while avoiding any mention of actual events in said bedroom.

"And you know who's bedroom that is, right?" He said, complete with raised eyebrow. And I'm going, hmmm, oops, well, yours?

He sighed. So, obviously not quite there yet (he has thing thing about me saying exactly what he wants to hear).

"Ummm, not mine?" A slight bemoaning tone might have crept in at that point.

Then I got the three in one combo--eyebrow, sigh, and eye-roll. "Damn your slow today baby."

Well geez, don't hide how you feel...

"It's not the master bedroom, it's the_______?" He said with greatly exaggerated patience.

"Ooh, ooh, I got this! It's Master's bedroom!"

Can I have my cookies back please?

"Finally, that's right lol."

I grinned and said, "it's Master's bedroom, but you're going to let me do whatever I want to it so..."

He laughed, "yea, but it's still Mine. And you're going to get me to do whatever you want to it anyways."

One Day I'll Learn...

I say:
I need more Domination that doesn't involve sex.

I get:
Whipped with the damn wooden spoon and informed the bedroom better be spotless by the end of the day or I'll get reacquainted with the spoon later--without clothing.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make a 10'x15' room spotless when every extra item in the house is crammed in it?

I find myself both happy and bitter.

One of these days I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe.

Bedroom Fantasies

Nope, not that kind of fantasy. Still working on admission of those. Maybe I'll post some of them sometime lol.

Alpha has been working on building bedrooms. One for the boys and one for us. He's going to finish the boy's first (some conscientious parenting thing lol). But he put windows in ours yesterday, and I think we have picked out some flooring for it as well.

I'm trying to convince him that it's just about warm enough outside to hang a blanket over the door and sleep in it as is. I promised I wouldn't move anything but the bed in lol. He's not going for it though--for some reason he wants to wait until it has floors and plaster and a door and some other stuff like a finished ceiling, that you can really live without in summer.

I would be lying if I said I didn't fantasize about the damn thing. But c'mon--wood floors, a room big enough to walk all the way around the bed, two suspiciously huge beams in the ceiling, an arched doorway, a curved staircase, a walk-in closet, thick enough walls to keep it delightfully cool in summer and cozy in winter...What more could a girl ask for, besides instant gratification.

Oh, and did I mention that there's plenty of room for bookshelves?

Surrender

Surrender.

I have decided I like that word.

When I went to bed the other night, I was thinking about the concept of surrender.

To surrender is to yield to the possession or power of another, to give oneself up to an influence, an emotion, to something outside oneself.

I knew he was going to take my ass. I have mixed feeling about anal--sometimes fun and always no small amount of pain, so I tend to resist it.
This time though, I tried something different. I kept telling myself "just yield. Surrender."

And in the moment where I felt his will rushing in, the energy that is him flowing through me, the moment where normally I would fight back with my own in an attempt at holding on to the individual that is me, I instead chose to surrender. To open to him and all that he is. Just to sink into his power and let it flood through me.

In that moment I realized...That his iron will, the overwhelming power in his energy, the strength flowing through him, they scare me.

Afraid.

I have what I feel, is an odd relationship with fear--it a freezing killer to my submission. And yet, in some forms, it is also a huge turn-on. Not saying that's right lol, just that it...Is.

But this particular, and previously unrealized fear is not a turn-on. It's been my own little barrier to letting go.

If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was afraid of Alpha, I would have told you no--I do not fear him; though I do occasionally fear the things he may do, or the choices he may make, I do not fear him.
But last night I realized that I do fear the raw primal power that he exudes when I surrender.

When I had the realization I felt myself draw back and I realized that I didn't need to. I thought, "he has never caused me harm before, and I trust him. What happens if I just...go with it?"
Imagine that.
And I went with it. Let him crash through me like waves.

Yea. Wow.

Afterwards he drew me to him as he always does, and I laid my head on his shoulder like I always do.

Except this time, I told him, "I yield."

He tightened his grip around me and silently kissed the top of my head, and we went to sleep in a tangle of arms and legs.

Until he gave me what I call the dismissal kiss, which loosely translated means "you have to get off my shoulder because I really can't feel my arm anymore."

Bubble Bath

Uh hu. Today I had a bubble bath for the first time ever (being covered in bubble and bath while bathing children does not count).
Super extreme and adventurous right?

Also, there are apparently huge differences between the soft flickering of scented candlelight and the scorched smell that accompanies burning dinner while being soaked by an exuberant child.

All I have to say is I can't believe it took me this long to give it a go. Even if I couldn't bring myself to fill the tub up more than halfway lol.

I could see doing that once a month.

Who knew?

Controlling Desires and Desiring Control

This may or may not make sense. It made a lot of sense to me, so chances are it will read like a dead language for everyone else lol.

I think that the question is not, how does one let go, but why not?
Not what does one lose by holding on, but what is gained by letting go?
Not, what can I do to feel that way, but what do I do to keep myself from it?

I started to wonder why an embrace in the kitchen can make the whole world fade away, when rarely does an embrace in bed have the same impact. And I think it's all about blocking myself. There's nothing to hide from in the kitchen (well, except the fact that he has purchased me more wooden spoons than any house has need of ahem, but that's external danger lol).

So maybe kind of...

This is going to earn me one of those "looks." You know, the kind where as the eyebrow goes up, so do I shrink.

I think that sometime around meeting Alpha, I made a bit of a conscious choice. Okay, fine, more than a bit. I decided that I would not crave.
I would not crave sex, or...Him, well not specifically him so much as anyone. Ever.
Because, in my mind, that would mean I didn't have...Power. The power to reject, to turn off, to not need.

It's ironic looking back, and it's something I have not thought about in a very long time. One of those things kept tucked away on a dusty shelf for ages until it comes back to bite you in the ass.

And, as with most things tucked away on the back shelf, reading about it makes me want to hide my head under the bed and go "really?"

I guess by that point I associated sex with power. But not just sex--need. And I knew I was shit at controlling myself.

If I needed, he had power. Because he could give or not. Well, take as the case may be in retrospect, ahem.

When you can give someone something they desire/crave/need, you have power.

I have found something I crave.

I crave him.
I crave his Dominance.
I crave his desire.
I crave his touch
his love
his time and attention
I crave his control.

I held back for a very long time. Love is a risk--there is no pain comparable to its loss. Being in love opens the door to life's greatest joys and makes you vulnerable to its deepest sorrows.

Alpha used to call me the ice queen. And I played her well.

You see though, desiring and craving what another person can do to you gives them power.

Somewhere along the journey, we agreed to an exchange of power--it became his.
I forgot though, that I had refused desire. Doing so was my way of exercising power, my way of controlling me, my way of being in charge of myself.

Funny thing is, all that control, it got away from me you know...And the time came for him to take it.

But that's a it more difficult sometimes, because one cannot give what they do not have. Another cannot own what you yourself do not first posses.

This thought process led me to try something that led to more and different realizations, but for once I'm not going to glob it all together into one post lol.

Embrace

We were standing in the kitchen and Alpha had me in one of those embraces, the kind where nothing in the world exists outside of our little circle. And I wondered, could it be that letting go is as simple as this?

Because in those moments, there is nothing. Just us. His arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest, his breath in my ears. There is no gaggle of thoughts flying madly around my mind, no doubt, no worry, just him and I.

With that embrace he blocks out the world, quiets my mind, and stills the endless doubts and possibilities that are my constant companions. When he lets go, it all comes swirling slowly back in. But in that moment?

There is perfection in peace.

Springtime and Other Random Things

It's the first day of Spring! So of course, it's snowing. Scratch that, it's dumping lol. Is there any other way to usher in a new season of warmth?

In other random news, I thought I would share that the moon isn't saving my ass--Alpha just knows me well. I have these little devils that take over my mind once a month, you know, kind of like on the Exorcist, hormonal issues I'm working on. He was being nice. Because earlier he had, very kindly, offered me the hugest and probably truest insult of some time:

"Part of it is natural cycles, part of it is fear, and some of it, I'm sorry to say, is just rather teenage type behavior. You are stuck on what you don't want instead of focusing on what you do want. You spend too much time thinking and dissecting things, when sometimes you just have to let go and just be."

Oh good gods above, did he just accuse me of being the root of all terror in homes across the world behaving like a teenager? Oh. Ouch. Denial just may very well be a river in Egypt--I think a crocodile just took a chunk out of me.

So there you have it, the preceding conversation lol.

The feeling of repentance...I gots it.

Did I mention it's freezing? Kind of like my brain. I think I need a reboot.

Oh...Well...Hmmmm

I sighed and leaned my head against his knee, "I wish I wasn't so easily thrown out of where I should be."

He pointed out that the new moon is coming up, (that magical time of the month when small children, misbehaving animals, and people who speak before coffee become edible delicacies to be eaten raw) and said, "the rest of it is just you being afraid of yourself. You scare yourself. And when you are afraid you bite, scratch, kick, and run."

Oh...

Yea, that's me.

Dealing with the outside world throws me off. I wish it didn't--I don't adjust well.

No Matter Where We Go From Here

Alpha has had one of those weeks where nothing goes quite as it should and there's just too much to do. He has been preoccupied.
So we have been spending time together, but focused on completely different things, and on a slightly different sleep schedule.

Then there's the fact that so many light bulbs have been going off in my head over the last week, that I think I have gone blind.

We were having a lively exchange that was really edging around an argument regarding grading one of the kid's tests. He told me I was "a spoiled little slut who had forgotten her place". It fit right into the near argument and mouthy responses I was offering.
It's the kind of response he has been known to give when we aren't fighting, but I'm being exceptionally mouthy. Usually it makes me giggle and tone it down a notch.
Yea, much to my surprise and dismay, I almost burst into tears.

When he asked me what was going on with me I said there were too many lights on in my mind and I thought I had gone blind from it all.
I told him that I quit, I give up--the internal battle for control that I wage almost constantly? Yea, that. And I realized that words like surrender and yield sound so much better, but I kept thinking of a chessboard, just never give up. That's quitting He laughed and said, "you could say that you are resigned to being a good girl."

Later, lying in bed with my head on his shoulder, he again inquired what was up with me. I replied, "what if I let go all the way and I need more Dominance than you want to give?" He stroked my hair and said "I'll be waiting to catch you. I might surprise you. It will be okay."

I drifted off to sleep secure in the knowledge that no matter where we go from here, he will be with me.

There are comments to respond to on my last post. And I will get to them...I just need more coffee first this time around.

When it's Not Okay...But it Can Be

So my little personal revelation the other day was...Not so little. I have issues lol (imagine that). And I spent years pretending I didn't. Yea, that doesn't work.
I have always felt like the "warning possible triggers ahead" disclaimer was, oh I dunno, excessively dramatic. So ummm, there's my version of "read at your own risk." I don't personally feel that the way it came out is disturbing, but there you have it lol. As usual, my writing is more about emotion and thought than the physical.

This is not a topic I have really chosen to highlight in my blog. Perhaps because I don't really like to put much thought to it. But I think that perhaps it is time to pull it back out and reexamine things because I feel like there's a shift in an area that I thought I had pretty wrapped up with a neat little bow.

The problem with storing shit in the closet, is that it is always in your home. I guess it's time to clean house some more.

When I was a kid we had these neighbors. They were about a couple decades older than my parents. She was a former school teacher and offered to take over my schooling. I think I was seven. I would also occasionally bathe there because of our water situation.
From then until I was 14 her husband screwed with me in various ways. Mostly mental. He spent seven years doing an amazingly nasty number on my head. Among other things, he taught me what talking dirty was. It's only been over the last years that talking dirty didn't evoke a horrible sense of filth within me (which explains why Alpha froze in shock the first time we were in bed and I begged him to call me his slut).
Lol, even now I have an aversion to actually speaking that way myself.

That was when I learned my disdain for people who know about bad things happening and do nothing. I was the last in a 35 year long train of girls. I got off lucky I guess--he was too afraid of my father to add me to his trophy pictures.
I also learned how one can feel dirty from the inside out.

When I was 14 my friends older brother had "something to show" me out back. Yea, he did. He showed me that it is possible to disconnect one's mind from their body. A few times as I recall.
It stopped when Alpha and I got together. He still frowns when the topic comes up and he is reminded that I didn't tell him the whole story then.

It's a painful mix, the feeling crawling under your skin and chewing on your mind, combined with walking away from your body.

I don't think I was "home" for many years of Alpha and I's mostly non-existent sex life.

To this day, men in control or in charge tend to make me nervous. Especially when they are bigger than me.
Oh the irony in that one--that which attracts me most also makes me want to turn and run.

Anyways...
Things changed when we began exploring ttwd. For a very long time I had felt...I don't know how to explain it besides that feeling where you really need a shower, but on the inside. And you scrub and scrub but you just cannot become...Clean.

That changed. I no longer thought about my past every day. I felt like with each step we took down this new path, a layer of crud was being stripped off.

I don't usually think about it very often anymore.
Until last night when I was standing in the kitchen and realized that I don't allow myself to feel sexual desire largely because I feel that it is wrong and dangerous for me to do so. And for the first time in my life, I consciously thought "it's okay to feel this way."

Call me a slow learner if you want, because it's something Alpha has been telling me for over a decade. But for some reason I never actually felt it until I was able to say it to myself.

My disloyalty to Alpha earlier in our relationship kind of contributed to the way I repress anything related to desire. It gave me a layer of self-created crud that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever completely get rid of.
We weren't D/s then, but after we went down this path, I often wished he would have punished me for it, and I do occasionally wonder why he never did. Perhaps the emotional mess of our life at the time was enough punishment for both of us.
Though the more control he takes, the more it fades.

We were talking a while back and he said that I didn't have to worry about it anymore--because the decisions regarding my body are his to make now. He told me that all I had to do was put his desires before those of anyone else, and that he would place the needs of our children and myself before his desires.
Fair enough right.
Yea, I flopped into pure doubt there and asked what happened if he couldn't control what I let out. He smiled and said that he had is doubts about the possibility, but if he couldn't, he would just shove it back in the box.

I don't think that I really believed he could control that aspect of me until last night. When I told myself it was okay.
Ooh, okay, so letting go is about trust. I suddenly get that--Just because I trust him implicitly doesn't mean I trusted his ability to control whatever I let out. I love it when concepts click.

I debated turning off comments on this post because...Well because over all I was lucky. I got off pretty easy all things considered. And I am most definitely not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to let go of some things that I have held onto for a very long time.
And while my past is part of who I am today, it does not define my present or my future.

For a very long time I felt like I was poison. You know, the kind that looks benign on the outside, but a touch, makes you whither up and die?
Now I'm thinking...Maybe I'm not.

Resisting Desires

I occasionally get concepts and ideas in waves. And when I'm not having a dry spell, there's a lot at once. So it's a bit difficult to swim through and pull out anything clear.
I was introduced to a concept yesterday--about questions and answers and the process of figuring things out. But it's still floating around in my mind, and there's something about understanding questions that is not quite as simple as it sounds.
Then of course, there's the usual tangle of thoughts...

I have been doing a lot of submission related musing in my head lately...And sometimes, just sometimes, there's a moment of realization.

Yesterday Alpha cornered me in the vicinity of the dryer and proceeded to shove his cock down my throat...I put up token objections...Then proceeded to love every second of it. Including the moment he zipped up his pants and walked off to go about his day as if I wasn't still kneeling on the floor.

Later, I was puttering around the kitchen thinking about our laundry room encounter, and how I wanted to go to bed and ask for things...The kind of things I never ask for because...Oh yea, it makes me feel like  I'm squirming in my own skin to say it out loud. And I think that he will make me beg.

I thought about how I wouldn't ask for it. Because I don't want to admit what turns me on.
I repress the feeling of need and desire because...

There's a part of me that feels it is...Not okay.

A long time ago I decided it was wrong to give in to desire. Because the desires of others once did very bad things to me, and because I once allowed my desires to hurt Alpha and our relationship.

I control my desires. Tightly.
But...I don't think I'm the right person to control them anymore. And I wonder if the time is coming when it's no longer optional. When he does and I cannot.

He laughed at my transparency, how obvious it was what I wanted.

And he didn't make me beg for it after all.

Symbiotic Relationships

I was replying to a comment this morning when I started thinking about the symbiosis of D/s, or I guess, any healthy relationship really (I am not trying to say that all D/s relationships are healthy, because I do not believe that they are).

To me, D/s, and S/m are expressions of symbiosis. If they aren't, then the relationship is not mutually beneficial.
I think that is one of the reasons that some people struggle so much in relationships where one partner identifies as Dominant or submissive, and the other partner attempts to fill the role created by the other's identity (I swear if you drink copious amounts of coffee and cross your eyes twice, that will probably make sense).

I thrive on Alpha's Dominance. It feeds my submission, which in turn increases my submission which feeds his Dominance and around we go. It makes us...Good.

Alpha has said that he wouldn't enjoy giving me pain if I didn't get off on it. And it's a funny circle itself because I can see it from a couple different angles of experience--in the beginning, I liked receiving pain and he would give it. But only because I liked it. Not because he enjoyed inflicting it. Then as time went by, he discovered that he liked giving it.
And I think that created a bit of internal conflict for him because we are taught that it is wrong to inflict pain on the people we love. And his sadistic streak turns out to run a bit deeper than either of us had previously thought. Though happily, we both find the control aspect of ttwd to be more attractive.

The thing is, it changed completely when he began to allow himself to enjoy giving the pain I wanted to receive. It became...Better. Like a form of symbiosis, my pleasure receiving fuels his pleasure inflicting pain, which in turn makes being on the receiving end far more expansive and enjoyable.
He doesn't like inflicting pain if it's not turning me on. I don't get as turned on unless he's getting off on giving it.

Some posts should probably not be written before the second cup of coffee...

If there was not some sort of symbiosis, ttwd would not be healthy. Any relationship that is not symbiotic loses its beneficial aspects. I think that's one of the key differences between abuse and BDSM (though that's a half written post of it's own)...

To Serve

I'm not a very service oriented person. For me, it's often more about the rewards I receive than the service itself. I realize that's not very flattering, lol. It is however, true.

I realized something obvious about  service the other day--I try to serve how I think I should. Not necessarily how he wants me to.

Serving is about the needs and wants of the one being served. Not about how the one serving thinks it should be.

The thing is...When I don't feel like I am serving Alpha in some way, I feel like I should be. And that's just not natural for me. Or at least, until now.

Why don't I have deep and gargantuan epiphanies? It's like the things that should be obvious to anyone are my aha moments.

I live for that smile of approval, the touch on my hair and whisper across my cheek as he says "good girl."

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how deeply thing thing we call submission is taking me.
Part of me knows he does, then the part that knows I'm stubborn, and irritable, and easily frightened, and closed down, wonders how he sees through it all?

Does that make my service selfish? That I don't just do it to please him, but for the smile, for the times he says he notices how hard I try, for the sometimes elusive "good girl"? Do I do it selfishly because it makes me feel good to do so?

Just. Let. Go...

 I have a couple of very valid life things I could complain about this morning. But I think I may have something better to say...Maybe lol.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze. This little place where all the things I cannot change and are outside of us, are merely peripheral shadows passing in the night. This odd space where all I can focus on is him...

Letting go is a huge issue for me. Always has been. And it's quite different than "going away" (got that one down to a fine science).

I have done a lot of submission related navel gazing lately. And I have come to the conclusion that most of my issues, from attempting to dictate the terms of my submission, to sex, to my hangups about ttwd, to my attitude, all stem from not letting go.

Letting go is it's own freakin epiphany. It's one thing to see and acknowledge something, and another thing altogether to do it.

For nearly fourteen years Alpha has told me that my biggest issue is letting go--whether it be of anger and hurt, or for love, intimacy, and submission. Okay, so for our entire relationship. Yea, he's right again, still.

But I have only seemed to achieve it in moments. Some moments. Sometimes.

More and more I have been having a more consistent feeling of just...Letting go.

And quite frankly, it scares the freakin daylights out of me. Which might explain why I have never done it completely and consistently before. Sounds reasonable right?
Mmmm, maybe not so much when it is between me and a terribly deep seated need for BDSM, intimacy, letting go? I don't know that I have words for it. Which seems somehow wrong, because there should be words for what we need right?

But there aren't always. And sometimes they only come in retrospect when we look back at where we have been.
For now I cannot find the words for what I need, I cannot find a name for what I feel.

And those forms of expression somehow become less important

as long as I can look in his eyes

and see the same need there

feel our minds collide

and know in my heart

that he will lead me on this ride.

Two Years Ago Today and Write For Who?

 My blog is two years old today. And I must say, I'm still surprised that people read it, some before coffee even (crazy if you ask me).
I think we have come a long way over the course of this last couple of years. And I can't help but wonder where we will end up...Though I do think that perhaps I spend to much time on that particular wondering. Sometimes it's best to live in the now. I'm a work in progress lol.

I wrote the remainder of this post in November, and today seemed like a good time to pull it out and dust off the cobwebs.

~~~~~~~~~~

Write for me or write for you?
I have been thinking about this off and on for a while. I used to write just for me. Then damned if people didn't start reading what I wrote. And when people actually started reading, the clear cut lines of writing for myself blurred a bit.

So yea, I write for me. I write for Alpha. I write for you.

Mostly though? I write for me. Even when it's for you (I swear I'm not trying to be difficult here lol). Take funny posts for instance. Things are infinitely more entertaining when you aren't laughing at them alone. But knowing I made someone else laugh makes me happy. And hearing what you have to say about it can be totally hilarious. So my humor is a bit selfish.

Usually when I write something on the insightful side, it's because I'm trying to work it out for myself or figure out how to express things in a way that (hopefully) makes sense. Sometimes it's because I think maybe someone will get something from it, or because I have been inspired and I am curious about the thoughts of others. Occasionally I write for some narcissistic need to see my own words in print; to view my thoughts outside of my head. Sometimes I like to stand on the outside looking in on my life. And at times I just want to see it in words because that somehow makes it more clear. More real. More definable.

I used to feel that it was extremely important to write only for myself. My blog was primarily a tool to communicate with Alpha because I have a hard time saying some things out loud. And it does still function like that at times.

I have come to the conclusion that it's okay to write for you.

But I try rather hard not to care what you think about me or what I write. I realize that probably sounds bitchy, and that's not what I'm going for at all.

Don't get me wrong--I love hearing that someone can identify with what I have to say, was helped by it in some form, found a new way of looking at things, or simply got a good laugh. I love that there are subs who I can identify with and share things in common. I enjoy answering questions (assuming that I have any of the answers at all that is). And I feel all warm and fuzzy when a blogger I really like has something nice to say about my crazy corner or just stops by to comment on something I wrote. It makes me happy.

I like lots of bloggers and their blogs. And I have even found some who's thoughts and views I genuinely respect. So yea, those opinions do matter to me.
But I don't need to be liked. I need understanding--the insights I am given and those I have to share.

The thing is, for me, the moment I care too much about what my readers think? That is the moment this blog looses it's purpose. That is when it becomes yours not mine. That is when the dreaded part of me that strives too hard to please others infringes on my expression of self. That is when self-censorship kills the honesty and clarity I strive for. That is when my introspection fails because I won't admit my problems or mistakes because I am afraid of what you think of me. That is when my blog ceases to help me grow.

So much in my life has turned out to be about honesty. Being completely truthful not only with Alpha, but with myself (the latter is a lot bit more tricky). And this is the only place I go outside of my bedroom where I am free to express and be myself completely and without censorship. Where I can dump out the dirty laundry, totally unleash my cynical humor, and question myself and my world to unending extremes. Where I can. Just. Be. Me.

And my readers here are the only people besides Alpha that I get to talk with about ttwd. I like your comments and your thoughts, the inspirations you bring me and that sometimes you take something away with you.

Always my toughest reader will be Alpha. Because I care very much about what He thinks.
As a general rule in life, I try not to care what people think of me. Because of that need to please and define myself by the concepts of others.
It never served me well to define myself by the opinions of other people.
Somewhere along the line, I included Alpha in the equation of other people. When we started down the path of D/s and He (gasp) accepted me so openly for who/what I am, I realized that His opinion should and does matter most. Even more than my own at many times.

I want having readers be beneficial to my writing. To help keep my whining infused with humor, make me take the time to strive for clarity in my thoughts, give me new insights and ideas, and bring me the satisfaction of (hopefully) having helped someone out in some way along the line.

So I will write for me. I will Write for Alpha. And I will write for you.

But I will try not to care too much about what you think of me and whether or not you like me. Because while the internet is the perfect place to be whatever/whoever you want people to think you are--I just want to be me. Honestly.
And if I care to much about what you think, I will no longer be able to look inside and pull out the demons in my closet, dissect my flaws and curiosities, reveal my scars, and bare my soul for searching.

A Question of Friends and D/s

Okay, before I get going here, I got Alpha to say he'd play along with question and answer month, but he reserves the right to answer or pass them off to me lol. So if you've got any for him, leave 'em in a comment or email me (he never checks his email). Chances are I'll be the one to type it up anyways lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~

 I got a question that I feel woefully unqualified for, mostly because I gave up on cultivating friendships a couple of years ago. But here it is, and if anyone has anything helpful to contribute, please do chime in.

So here's the comment from M_Akitten:

"lil this couldn't have come at a better time, I am trying to explain to a so-called friend about my choice to be His. I mistakenly thought I could trust her and in a moment of weekness I told her about D/s (stupid stupid move i know) now I need some really enlightneing stuff to add to the e-mail to her. i am not so good with words,"

It's worth pointing out that I have turned into one of those people who doesn't have a problem dropping friends who have issues with Alpha or our relationship. Therefore, my thoughts might not be extremely helpful to your situation.

I think that it's quite possible some people will never be able to accept it, no matter how great the phrasing of explanation. 

So how would I explain my choice to be owned to someone who didn't understand it?

There are some pretty obvious markers of unhealthy relationships. A real D/s relationship is not going to display those. So if she has concerns for your well-being, it might be worth pointing out that she's having a hard time understanding it because your relationship is different than the kind she is used to and views as normal.

I think that most people who object to D/s equate it with abuse because that is the only context they can see it in. If your relationship was actually abusive, you never would have told her anything in the first place. D/s isn't about anger and fear--it's about giving power to someone who is willing to take it and use it wisely in the best interests of you and your relationship. 

D/s is your way of loving. And yes, that's quite different than hers I am sure, but it's a choice you made in how you have decided to live your life.
In my opinion, the choice to be his is very much about happiness, trust, love, security, and the feeling of "rightness" that comes with being owned.

I would point out to her that you are still the same person you were before she knew about your dynamic--the only thing different is the way She sees you. So really, the dynamic of your D/s changes nothing except her personal perceptions of you and your life.

Ultimately, her objections are not going to change your relationship. So she will have to come to grips with it or decide that she cannot see beyond her own judgements about it.
If this friendship is very valuable to you, I wish you the best of luck. If not, sometimes it is simplest to just let people go.

I don't know how helpful this post was, and enlightening people (in polite and constructive ways), is not my strong point, but I did try lol. And I did send off an email, that I think addresses the specifics a bit more.

Any other thoughts from readers? 

Being Comfortable In My Own Skin?

One of the things I am trying to work on is being comfortable in my own skin (calling it "my own" sounds like an oxymoron). That means a lot of things to me--some of them physical, some emotional, other mental.

Part of being more comfortable in my own skin is caring for myself.
I have a hard time taking care of myself. Somehow it's much easier to make sure everyone is taken care of and ignore my own physical needs--you know, food, exercise, rest, etc.

However, if I put myself in the context of being a reflection on Alpha as his property? There's a drastic shift in the importance I place on taking care of myself.
I take better care of the things I think of as his. So, if I see me as belonging to myself, I place less importance on me than if I see me as being one of his possessions. Still with me? I won't fault you for running now lol.
The more I view myself as his, not mine, the better I become because I want the best for him. And I think accepting that is going to help me a lot in this area.

For me, being comfortable in my own skin also means not having a big emotional conflict within myself. I have been known to fight very hard against what I need and am.
My least favorite and most volatile emotion is jealousy. Which stems from insecurity. Then leads to anger. See where I'm going here? It's not pretty.
So the whole insecurity thing? Needs to tone way back. Note this one doesn't come presented with a side order of solution lol. Though I do think that taking care of myself is going to contribute here...

Mental, well....It's simple really--a little less denial of self would go a long way. This morning was a pretty blatant example of it. Alpha was jacking off in my face with the occasional sucking. And then he quit putting it in my mouth. And I tried so hard to hold still, to hide the fact that I was literally drooling for it, practically begging, and trying to pretend I didn't want him to shove his cock back in my mouth and let go.

So, ummm...Why? Really, why bother? It's not as if he didn't actually want the same thing.
And it's not as if the pretending actually worked either. After he came in my mouth he chuckled at me, "you are so much more wanton than you want to admit."
Mhm, maybe so.

Mentally I put the brakes on going deeper into the abyss and further exploring our exchange of power. And it's a bit like denying myself water.
And I get frustrated with Alpha because I feel like I need more effort from him to help bring me along, and that maybe he doesn't want to explore deeper. Then I realize that he's just sitting there with that knowing look and infuriating grin. One step ahead and waiting for me to come begging on my own.

It's infuriating sometimes. Because coming crawling? It means I asked for it. There's no pretending I don't want it, there's no pretending it's all on him to drag me down. And I have to step out, speak up, and admit--I need him to take more, I need to give all.
And then I'll feel like I shouldn't complain when I get what I ask for.

Being comfortable in my own skin is about accepting what I am, and letting go of some of my preconceived notions of what I should be.

I think my brain is muddleded and maybe I have lost my ability to make sense to anyone else...

A Question With Too Many Answers

So Michael Samadhi asked "why?" Which made me think of the kids and all those basic questions they ask that turn out to be really difficult to answer.

First I thought, "why what???"
Then I thought, "why not?"

And it occurred to me that this question is a bit like being given a math problem without a formula--it's easy when you have the correct formula, you follow the steps in order, and voila, there's your answer.
Now if you don't know the formula, you can still possibly find the correct answer, but your margin of error is going to be vast.

"Why" by itself is a bit like a math problem without a formula. Except I think that as opposed to coming to many wrong answers, it is possible that there are no wrong answers.

"Why?"

Because we are human, and we are always searching for solutions. Sometimes though, the question is more important than the answer.

So why not?

Questions and Answers?

Alright, I've got some excessively muddled inspirations in my head, but none of them seem extremely forthcoming. So I'm thinking that whoever made March question and answer month here in blogland was rather brilliant--Using other people as inspiration. Yep, sounds good to me.

So if anyone has questions (or better yet, answers), leave me a comment or send me an email. I'm all over this bandwagon. Like I said, I need the inspiration, you never know what kind of drivel is going to start popping up here if I don't get some lol.

Inspirations Looking Further Into The Abyss

 This may make no sense whatsoever...

I have come to find that, for the most part, labels are not extremely helpful when it comes to ttwd. They create a tendency to attempt defining ourselves, that can actually narrow our parameters and the directions in which we think we can grow. And no one label is going to fit one person in every situation.

But there is a way that I find labels rather helpful--when it comes to defining concepts or they help me to be open to possibilities that I had previously not considered.

Taking me a while to get going here lol, apparently I do need sleep.
Anyways...I read this post greengirl wrote, and wheels started turning in my brain when she said "that is why it is called submitting and not being enslaved.  And it is, it is submitting each time," I had this moment, like trying to remember a dream, something was clicking but the light wouldn't turn on lol. Then she followed up with this, and I finally got the light turned on (kinda anyways lol) when she said "For me, the difference between slavery and submission doesn't have to do with consent. I think that the relevant part has to do with how I see my purpose. I'm not able to feel my purpose as, above all else, to serve him."
And I got...

Here.

Yes, I'm just getting started. I recommend coffee or running away lol.

Ever since we began ttwd Alpha will occasionally remark that I am his slave. Uh who, me? Nope. Never. Isn't so, not gonna happen. This little exchange is always followed by him shrugging, smiling infuriatingly at me, and saying "you are whatever I say you are."

And I used to object to that, the idea of being whatever he says I am, because well, I'm not and that's just ridiculous right?
Hmmm, not so much. I no longer have a retort, nor do I really desire to offer one. I don't have a problem with being whatever he says I am. I guess that may sound ludicrous, or it may sound like a small thing. But for me, it's neither.

And I think that all the definitions of slavery and submission that matter most are created by the person having the experience.
I have very much limited myself to the experience of submission. Though I find that the concept of enslavement is no longer objectionable like it once was.
For me, I have come to believe that submission is a choice, a mindset, a way of living--a part of who I am. Being enslaved is going beyond those choices, a more extreme focus of purpose, the place where no longer is the choice made, it just...Is.

Separating, defining, and labeling have been my ways of clinging to the edges, saying what I'm not while denying what I am and could become.

Perhaps my recent hold-ups are more about fear of infinite possibility than anything else. The fear that I could truly see my purpose as merely to serve.
And I'm not quite sure yet how exactly I feel about that.

I do know that, when he walks away shrugging his shoulders and telling me that I am whatever he says I am, I am content.

Another Trip Around the Sun

Today marks my 29th trip around the sun.
The funny thing is, I have always been told I was too young--for the things I was doing, the thoughts I was thinking, the way I was living, the causes I was championing. You name it. And the judgements always just seemed to adjust to my age lol.

So yea, when I'm 80, I'll be old enough right? Oops, then I'll be judged as senile. Damn.

I got an introduction to the cane last night, and a lecture about how my view of myself reflects on Alpha and the importance of positive thinking. Yep, I think that one umm, sank in pretty good.The cane is positively evil. He's not gonna think my play on words is smart lol.

I don't do new years resolutions, but on my birthday, I do tend to muse about things that I would like to accomplish for the coming year.
And this time around, it's pretty simple...

I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I want to work on learning to let go. Like how I left that one open ended? This could take a number of trips around the sun. It's good to have goals lol.
I want to go further down the rabbit hole we call Dominance and submission. I think this one is closely related to item number two.
I would like to get up enough confidence (and money, it's a good excuse to ignore my real hold-up), to get the education for the career I really want. Got a whole year for that because the program starts in spring semester lol.

I think that's pretty realistic.

I still find it a bit odd, this whole growing older without a father thing. He's the one who gave me my love of birthdays in general (okay, well it's mostly other people's birthdays I love, but anyways...), and it's a bit strange the way life goes on. But I suppose that is as it should be.

In other random news, as a mother I get two days a year to sleep in--mothers day and my birthday. Uhuh, I'm up by 7:00 every time. Wtf is up with that lol.
Though I do get a monopoly on the coffee. What more could a girl ask for?