Just...Off...

We have been at ttwd for long enough for it to be always there in the undercurrents of our lives, no matter the distractions of the outside world.

But...

I'm concerned that the focus is fading faster than I can grasp at it. Admittedly, the craziness of everything that is happening was kicked off while I was taking care of my mom, but it's not flowing back in like I had hoped it would.

And I have to make a decision which could end in me working full time as well. When I was working I had an incredibly difficult time switching out of work mode and back into "His" mode. If I applied and was accepted for the position, we'd  both be working. A lot.

Here we are, still at home, with me only working two days a month, and I feel like I've already lost my mojo. I mean, not that it was spectacularly on point to begin with, but still...

Believe it or not, I do have some D/s related thoughts floating in my drafts folder, but of course they are of the shit-storm inducing kind...I'm normally always up for a spirited debate, but I just don't have room in my head to provide arguments that support my opinions at the moment, so it will sit for a while.

Random (Not So) Internal Debates

I henna'd my hair again last night, and I would just like to say that the prospect of a day of laziness on the couch because my head is covered in goop, now sounds much better than "sleeping" with it on, lol.

I have to go to work today.
I realize that I'm going to have to pay more attention to what I post here. We have always been very private people, but he will be moving into the public eye more, and I'm going to have to adapt to that on many different levels.
I seriously wonder why my house looks like a bomb went off in it after only two days of not cleaning it. And really, what's with the instantaneous lack of towels, clean or otherwise?
I have a doctor's appointment in a week or so, and I'm really hoping that he's not as keen on removing everything as the last doctor was.
I have a big decision to make. It's one of those stupid life-changing ones that I have to make on my own, which could affect his job and it's eating all of my brain power that might otherwise be applied elsewhere.

Speaking of decisions that he won't help me with, this whole slave thing is friggin complicated! I don't want to make the stupid decision myself. Then there are some decisions that I'd like to make, but nope...Where is that magical unicorn and rainbow laden world where I get to live mindlessly chained to the bed? Humph.

Wanders off to think excessively...

Sixteen Years In

Can you believe that we've been together for sixteen years already?
I'd like to say that it's been sixteen years of wedded bliss, but you'd probably end up choking on your coffee and there would be no year seventeen. Plus there's that whole silly rule about being truthful and all...

Still though...

 
I love you.
There have been moments wherein I hated you.
You have inspired my passion and my rage like no one else on this earth.
You are my dreams, my reality, all that I ever wished to have.

I am your property, your slave, the being who always comes to rest on her knees at your feet.
We are the dream team of two, you and I.
You are my fantasies, you complete me and fill in the spaces in my soul that I never even knew could be whole.

You make me confront the darkness in my soul and accept myself as a whole.
You have seen me at my best, at my very worst, and every place in between
You have been willing to dance with my demons and offer me freedom in your possession.

For every moment in my life that has really and truly mattered, you have been there.
You have loved me when I wasn't worth loving, in times when I couldn't even love myself.
You know me in ways that no one on earth could ever comprehend or achieve.

You are amazing. I count myself as lucky and blessed to be yours. I am thankful every day that you are my life.

I am grateful. Thank you.

You are amazing. Life with you is amazing. The things you have done for me are amazing.

 Yours always, in all ways.

Love is Crazy

Love is crazy.

To fall in love is an act of insanity. We'll bleed for it, pine for it, define ourselves by it, kill and die, lie cheat and steal...We will perform amazing and beautiful acts of kindness...We will exhibit the vast range of human behavior, from loathsome to lovely.

All just for that one little human sensation we call love.

The really amazing thing about love, is that regardless of it's outcome, longevity, or context, to have known it is a blessing.

Love can be consuming in a manner comparable only to fear...

I mean, it's crazy right?

We keep going back for more because it is the potential for heartache that makes love so precious. Love in all its forms. Not just the insanity that is being in love, but even the way love makes your heart rise and ache at the same time on a sunny morning. Just from love of the morning.

Love is that consuming fucking yearning in your heart, for a person, a moment, a ray of sunshine in the middle of winter, a good book by a warm fire, the sinking in your heart when something you love dies.
It is the one emotion that can both encompass and create all other feelings. It is messy and illogical, sometimes it crawls out from beneath the filth covered in blood, other times it's like a guiding light towards home.

Love is wanting to wake up every morning, it is crazy and imperfect and messy. Just like humanity. And as such, what better way to express ourselves than with the love of...What we love.

It's still crazy though. Love is as simple as the dirt beneath our feet and as infinitely complicated as the human mind. Love is the pain of loss, and the currency with which we count our life's costs.

Surprise or Anticipation?

It pains me greatly to say this, but I've had to turn the image verification on for comments. I'm getting 50 spam comments a day on my I Want My Husband to Dominate Me post, and they're driving me bonkers. I'll try and turn it off again soon. I tend to feel like you shouldn't really have to work to leave a comment since you took the time to out of your day to say something here...

So, Misty was kind enough to offer me some writing fodder, and asked if I preferred anticipation or surprise, or if my preferences were situation dependent.

Hmmmm...It's kind of situation dependent.

I mean, in the moment, I love anticipation. If it's more of a long term thing, like say, hours (Iknowlol), I'm not a big fan.

I kind of like not knowing what's coming. In the moment, there's nothing quite as hot as waiting for...Odd for me, I suppose, since patience isn't my strong point, but this kind of waiting isn't optional, and that lack of options is hot too--knowing something is coming and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Surprise though...Dunno, it feeds that part of me that gets off on the rush, that little fear junky who needs her fix...Surprises can be so deliciously scary...Yea, I like surprises too. Just not so much in day-to-day life. I prefer my surprises to be confined to D/s stuff.

Image source unknown

When He Screws Up, A Dominant's Mistake

This post is not meant to be mean. It was not written to criticize anyone in particular, or anyone who's views on submission do not match my own. It is written with my own past experiences in mind. The last eight or so years have given me a perspective that I did not always have. And sometimes, it's difficult and ridiculous to censor one's perspective.

I think it is also important to note that I am coming at this from the perspective of a committed 24/7 D/s relationship, which I believe necessitates this particular view.

The first time in D/s when he well and truly screws up, your faith is shaken, you think that maybe he doesn't really have it in him, and you're sure that he's just gone and done it so bad that you couldn't possibly surrender completely anymore.

Ooh, look at the bird! Think I'll follow it for a minute...

The only reason you think that you can't surrender completely, "Any more" is because you hadn't really surrendered completely in the first place. Dominants, for all that they are, also must exist as humans with all of the shortcomings inherent in our species.

So this road is new and wonderful, it offers you new heights and experiences that fantasies are made of. You find a faith in your Dominant that you previously never knew existed.

Then one day he screws up. You know it. He knows it. Your faith is shaken, how can you go on knowing that he did something wrong?
Simple really--you agreed to submit, you agreed to be his. And you do just that.

He screwed up, so what? Shit happens. It's not an excuse to push for your way, or something you lord over him to challenge his leadership.

This is not an arrangement of convenience, this is not a relationship of "If you do this then I'll...", this is not something you walk away from simply because your faith has been challenged. It is a commitment to a way of life, a person, a relationship, a state of being. You are either in, or you are out.

I feel like I see a lot of new subs holding mistakes over their Dominants heads. As if those mistakes automatically give them the right to challenge his leadership because, well, after all--he did screw up. I find that to be one of the most irritating forms of topping from the bottom.

I'm not saying that just because he's Dominant means it's okay for him to run around being a dickhead, but mistakes are an inevitable aspect of being human. If you use every falter in his stride against him, you're not actually in a D/s relationship--you are existing on your own terms, not his.
It's a hell of a lot easier for a Dominant to make decisions if he knows that those decisions aren't going to be challenged at every turn.

Submission isn't about what you like, it's not about doing what you want, getting your way, or even always being happy with the choices he makes--it's about relinquishing control to another person. And you aren't always going to be delighted with the choices that person makes. They aren't even always going to be the right choices. But the point is that those decisions are theirs to make.

A submissive simply cannot live a D/s relationship on their own terms. Such an approach is contrary to the very concept of power exchange. If you want to explore Dominance and submission on your own terms, call it what it is--a kink. And while there is nothing at all wrong with that, it is quite different than living as a submissive.

Addendum:
The first comment on this post (thank you mc kitten) brought to my attention the fact that I had overlooked a very important aspect of this whole "He screwed up" thing.
What happens afterwards. Taking responsibility for one's actions is important, especially as a Dominant. And such things as apologies are not a somehow mystical and impossible occurence like finding gold at the end of the rainbow.
How he handles his mistakes matters, and admitting that they happened is important. No one is always right.

It's Good To Be Back

It was so good to wake up at home that I decided to do it at 3:30 this morning. Okay, so it wasn't a conscious decision, but the dog got me up, then I started thinking, then it got light, then there was morning sex which just had to be followed with coffee...

I feel like I have a lot to write, but really, I gots nothing. Except of course, those things that keep a person up at three AM--kiddo's chess camp, paying grandma's bills, trying to renew our medical insurance, the thought of moving somewhere I've never even seen...All quite boring really.

Did I mention how damn good it is to be home? It's good to be owned too, even if I did forget to pee in the damn cup this morning.

I feel like I have a whirlwind of thoughts and words pent up inside, but when I go to put them to page...Nothing. But I have missed it here. This place, you lovely ladies who visit, the thoughts and ideas...

So yea, ideas. It's going to take me a bit to get back into the swing of things. If anyone has any post suggestions, toss them my way. I would love to write about something actually related to D/s lol.

The good thing about waking up before the crack of dawn though, is getting to enjoy my favorite coffee. My mom wasn't quite as good as the kids--she insisted on not only talking to me before coffee, but actually asking me things! Shudder*

Home!

We've spent a lot of time apart lately (newsflash, I know). This has led me to lots of pondering, and no small amount of angst. Just this once, I'd like to skip the angst and go straight to the pondering.

Specifically, what it is to live as a slave, what it means to be a slave, what slavery is to me. Or not. I haven't been. I would say that really sucks, but I do recall mentioning something about skipping the angst this time...

What slavery is to me was established some time ago--it is whatever he says it is. Yet...There is a finesse and depth to it which is overlooked by such statements.
He says he wants it all, and he means it. There will be no half measures or kinda all in here. He wants to have me as completely as one person can possess another.
It's funny, you know, reaching towards an elusive goal, only to one day realize that you've been living it for some time. You're just so far in that the view is normal...

The view has been very different for me lately, after nearly two months away from home.

I'm home. And I have been informed, that the view had better change back to the way it was pretty damn quickly.

Sigh.

Did I mention that I'm home? I feel like that announcement should be accompanied by streamers and whistles. Ah well, dirty dishes and piles of laundry shall have to suffice.

Something Strange and New...

It's no secret that I can't cum without stimulating my clit. Just can't do it. I mean, there have been a few times when I was able to get there and finish off without it (not that great though, really).

Something very strange happened the last time we had sex though...I came without any help from my hand. And it went on forever.

I'm home again, for another moment, and am quite curious to find out if it was just a fluke...

Though truthfully, the only reason my mom let me go for the weekend is because I've been crawling on my face--the endometriosis or PCOS of whateverthefuck it is, is worse than it's ever been. Guilt prompted her to let me run away for a couple of days lol.
So yea...Kind of scared of sex, but have no doubt that it will be happening one way or another...

What else...

Did I mention that my life is a mess? Yep, that's me--queen of stating the obvious.

We have spent a lot of time together over the past few years, and this whole distance thing is almost like having a whole new relationship. Long distance. Meh. On the bright side, our demons will always play exceptionally well together.

So True

Hopefully, one day soon, I'll be back to writing my own words again. Until then...

Can't remember where I found this one...

Everything I Thought...

"God, I love that look in your eyes."
"What look?"
"The one that says you're drunk on me and you'll do anything I tell you to. The one that says what a whore you really are..."

I may have lost my ability to form a sentence at that point, but it was good. Really good.
I did not, however, lose my ability to hear his words as he continued on:

"You, my dear have grown even more beautiful over time. You were, no doubt quite hot when you were younger, but now...You are truly beautiful. More...Tamed, tempered. When you were younger it was like this world could barely contain you."

In a way, that is how I have always been--the spark, at times, almost to much for my body to contain. He had long ago and many times since kept me from burning out in the heat of my own flames. 

I was distracted by the look in his eyes, the way his hand was wrapped around my throat, the sensation of his skin against mine.

"My beautiful whore. Oh how I have missed having you in my bed."

I was lost on my way home. Any struggle I had put up to slow my surrender was purely superficial, a token of entertainment which he had easily brushed aside.
Everything I thought I was, or that I should be, washed away in the sweet tenderness of his cruelty.

And now I'm off again...

Another Moment at Home

I woke up at home this morning, next to my husband. As I listened to the birds chirping away outside, I realized that I have woken up to the same birds every summer for nearly my entire life. Next year, I won't.

He got the job.

Now, we are both a bit leery about everything as it is just a verbal agreement at the moment, and sometimes things change or slip away right under your nose. But...They offered him the position. So we are trying to plan and still remain aware of the fact that nothing is set in stone yet (or paper, as the case may be).

Did I mention that I woke up at home this morning, next to an absolutely amazing man who proceeded to roll over and go straight back to sleep after cumming all over me? Not only that, I will also wake up in my bed tomorrow too!
Had to leave my eldest on grandma duty, and I go back tomorrow, but I will take whatever I can get.

Being with Alpha has been...Amazing. We have never spent this much time apart, and accepting the fact that this is the way our whole year is going to be, in one way or another, is rather painful.

He really is my "fix"...
We agreed that my book needs a temporary change and some rules and rituals need to be adapted to accommodate our distance. I'm floundering bad, and we both know that I need to feel his control to make it through the rest of the year with my sanity intact.

As much as I hate the physical distance between us, and the fact that we will probably be spending quite a lot of time in different states for a while, I do wonder if perhaps this has been good for my submission. I mean, there's no doubt that it hasn't been good for me overall, but I have no desire to fight against him.

I know and accept that being his slave is who I was meant to be, what brings me the most fulfillment in life, that it is what makes us both truly happy. And for once, I find myself feeling totally at peace with that.

So yea...I'm home for the moment, and chances are that whenever I do get to come home and stay, he'll be leaving. But for this day, we are together.

On the Other Side of Love

Sometimes it's this craving
an insane yearning
a primal feeling
where I want you to take me to the edge and throw me off
wrap my soul in chains and my body in pain.

Take what you need by giving me what you have.

That feeling when you loosen the leash on the beast and it comes flickering out of the darkness.
Like an ice-cold tongue licking across my skin
as you calculate how free to allow the beast.

Yet...We each know, even before the hunt begins, that the outcome is predestined. As it always has and will be.
Still though, no amount of certainty in the outcome can lessen the adrenaline of the moment. There is blood on the wind and thrill in the hunt. We both know that you will take me apart piece by piece...Because the beast will feed its need.
I live to be your prey. Over and over again, as you feed on my soul, I slowly become whole.

I'll offer you the daring in my eyes, a tiny morsel for the creature of your needs, a taste to pull him out of his cage.
And the daring will fade, as it always does. Inevitable in its demise, replaced with the trepidation created by your invasion. As the thought that I am gives way to all that you are.

We both know that without the beast I would consume you, we would burn up in my flame. Never sweet, never tamed, always raging on. Yet you bring peace.
In the danger of your embrace, beyond tears, beyond pain, on the other side of love right behind where we fear to tread, there we exist purely as the whole that M/s creates.

I live to be thrown off the edge and caught up in the embrace of your will, to jump off into the deep bittersweet darkness that we find...On the other side of love.