Cyanide Queen

She cried until she had nothing left

Until there was only cyanide inside, somewhere once a sense of pride

Bought tickets to a ride

But the devil’s in the details, because when you buy the ticket

Someone else controls the gates of the carnival.

Empty maybe

But there’s something left inside

She’s made of cyanide and broken pride

Drained dreams busting at the fucking seams

She is me, now the cyanide queen

No respite on her knees, no more dreams of being free.

She is the cyanide that binds to your enzymes

Destroying all of your rhythm and rhyme

She is cyanide, she is me, she is my “what I have grown to be”.

Tears of acid rain

Let them fall—maybe they’ll sooth your pain

I’m the quiet one at the table

All the lost and quite a bit unstable

A lot silent, a little bit violent

Cyanide boiling up inside

Pick a moment, a person, any volunteering victim

She’s quiet but she’s a little bit violent in her silence.

Cyanide queen falling apart at the seams

I’ll melt a hole in your fucking soul

Until you think you need me, say “You complete me”

Maybe the acid rain will sooth your pain

White-tipped eyelashes, taste the salt of broken things

Because the devil’s in the details

And honey, you chose to take a walk in those heels.

They all watched me, the cyanide queen--Satan’s little angel

And my fall from grace, no attempting to save face

Such was never my place

But clearly I’ll have descended straight to hell.

I am the dust of all the stars I was once made of

I am your broken dreams, the cyanide hiding inside

The darkness in your silence, your secret violence

Your filthiest fantasy

The acid rain falling softly on your soul

And somehow still I’ll make you think that you need me to make you whole.

They clipped my wings and watched my fall from grace

Expecting me to make some attempt to once again rise

But I’m sitting here in hell

Got my own seat at the devil’s table

You’re welcome to come on down if you are willing and able.

Think I’ll sit back and put on the matching heels

Settle in and maybe make a deal

The devil’s in the details

The cyanide queen is sitting here on her knees

Dearest devil, do you need another ruler in your kingdom?

A vicious little bitch to brand?

Maybe another left hand?

Or maybe I’ll just take your fucking throne and rule alone.

There shall be no phoenix rising from these ashes

The darkness has become my storm

This is my fucking reborn

I am the ashes, the empty space between breaths

I am

That painful ache in your chest.

Cyanide, she is part of my norm

And when your heart is battered and torn

I’ll be there with my cyanide soul and my acid tears

To melt away your fears

I come not bearing comfort

For I am the passion in the darkness you hide within

The skeleton in your closet of all that you have ever lost

The one who holds all of your secret sins

I am the joy found in pain and the compounds of acid rain

Your pleasure found in pain.

They all watched my descent from grace, kept my wings and tried to save face

I got myself a seat at the devils table now

I am the forbidden fruit on the plate

Your secret hate

So I got myself a seat at the devil’s table

With my cyanide heart, I figure it’s a pretty good start

I’ll be every ride in his fucking playground

When the last angel has fallen

And all that you love has gone on

Look for me and perhaps that is where I’ll be found.

Is It Still Really Mine?

I'm sitting here staring at the page. It is strangely unfamiliar, as if not being who I once was made this place foreign to me. Perhaps some of it is the absence, perhaps some of it is the beautiful and terrible things life brings. Perhaps most of it is that I gave her things I can never get back, and this place is one of them.

I fell in love with people I shouldn't have.
Magic.
They're fucking magic.
And hers is broken, twisted, in a moment I missed it...

I sit contemplating fire and ice, my strange desires and slow burning fires under the surface.
Wondering of what I can now write here.

Is it really still mine? This blog, frozen in time.

I gave it too her...

He suggested that I move to a new spot,and start over. I thought about it. It would be giving up the last remnants of home that I have dragged with me through this fucking hell-hole of a place we now live.
So I'm torn...I don't want to give this up. Yet the things that belong here, the stories that this place was created for, I have them...And what happens when she reads them?

So maybe just theory and cryptic poetry...Or maybe I say fuck it, she went out of her way to make this hurt as much as she could, so if she feels compelled to read and doing so is like grinding the nail in a little deeper, then it's her own damn bad...

The way she left, the efforts she made, to provoke him into breaking me and destroying himself...She wanted to see me left in pieces...She did everything she was asked not to...Maybe I'll never know why, maybe I'll always wonder inside...Why she wanted to know that I cried as she lied.

Maybe I'll be stardust, maybe just rust...

I come here to write, the dreams the moments, the experiences, the feelings...And I pause. Because I know that she will read. Me.
But I'll not be responsible for her insecurities. She didn't believe, didn't listen, didn't take heed; the whole reason she was given this link in the first place. So I think that here I will continue to spill my escapades, all my little pieces of Hades. Pieces of me.

Best Not...

Best not to catch feelings

Best not listen to my whisper in your ear

Of those things everyone wants and is afraid to hear

Best not peek inside Pandora’s Box

There’s a reason I came with locks.

Go ahead

Take a little peek

He already picked the lock

Opened the box

Made a key

And set me free.

The scars on my body

Carvings on the box

Hiding within the sum of secrets and sin

I came with so many locks

Yet he did not knock.

I am the contents of Pandora’s Box

My scars simply carvings on the lid

I’ll spill my secrets, invite you to get your kicks

Maybe I’ll fuck or fuck up your mind

Chances are that it will be both with time

Whether or not you are or ever will be mine

Come on, just one little kiss…

One little slip into me

And then you’ll see

The taste of sound as it spins around

Like my blood on your lips

The soft trail of fingertips.

He’ll open me up and set me in front of you

I’ll sink to my knees, offering to drown in your seas

If you take just one little peek

I’ll find you in the darkness

Offering the acceptance you seek

Freeing dangers hidden and unseen.

I am Pandora’s Box, I’ll free the demons in your soul

Will it complete you, or will it swallow you whole?

I am pain and aching desire for the untouchable fire

Best not to look inside

I have no more pride

I’m simply lost on the ride.

I’ll be your coke whore

Your open door.

I’ll be your midnight phone call

The pause before your fall

And the aching sorrow in your chest

I’ll be the one you kept, the one that got away, and the one that shall always stay

I am the remains of your pain

And the shreds of all that has kept you sane

I’ll be your hope and everything in you that has been broken

You’ll see. When the box is open.

Best not to catch feelings

I’m in here dreaming

Of things both meant and never meant to be

He opened me up and set me free

Maybe you’ll take a peek

And find me on my knees.

Best not look darlin

I’ll reach to comfort your soul

Desperately desiring to offer you hope

And perhaps my demons will consume you whole

Perhaps after me you’ll be broken

Pieces of everything left unspoken, hope left as a dangerous token.

Maybe I just want to be seen

To be loved for my broken being

To use my soul and gently stitch up your seams

Perhaps instead, I’ll haunt your dreams

And torment your being

For I am Pandora’s Box, and he’ll set me in front of you

Open and unlocked.

I’ll be your fucking drug,

Your forbidden love

I’ll be your playground

My moans the sweetest torture of sound.

I’ll be the one who loved you,

The one you could never have

The one who never got away, but could not stay.

On my knees I’ll pray

So for that moment you can be god

And I’ll be the remnants of all that you have sought

A gift that can never be bought.

Best not to peek inside

Too late now

There’s not much left to hide

I have no need for my own broken pride

My skin is Pandora’s Box,

My being all the evils and hope within

The sum of your sorrows and sin.

I am that line where sky meets earth

Unintentionally, I’ll drag your heart through the dirt

I am the pause between breaths

That moment in which you contemplate death

Best to love me not

For my body is Pandora’s Box

And my soul its contents

I have been unlocked

Spilling the contents within

I am the story of your pain, thirst, hope, and sin

I am the sum of everything you have ever drowned in.

I’ll come to chase away those monsters under your bed

For I am made up of the ones inside of your head

I’ll be there by your side when you’re bleeding in the dirt

Swallow all of your sorrows and hurt

I’ll witness your blood sweat and tears, gently cradle your fears

I’ll break your heart and leave my mark

Whisper how much I love you into the dark.

I am the eye of the storm, and it is all contained within this small box, now left unlocked

I’ll hold up the mirror to the skeletons in your closet

Free your demons and let them run screaming

To crash into me

I’ll drown in your fucking sea.

Just one little peek

One little touch

Nothing is ever enough

Best not to look, best not to love

For I am not heaven sent from above

I am Pandora’s Box

And it is best for you

To love me not.