Doormats and the concept of breaking

I read something on fetlife ages ago and it's been floating around in my mind ever since. It was written by a slave who asserted that it was okay to be a mindless doormat. She swore she was happy. But she sounded so sad. So broken. So...lonely. She was outside of the circle of submissives and slaves who see themselves as strong individuals. She did everything for her Master (who seemed to not be impeded by any physical disability), from providing for him and his children, to changing the oil in his car. Her world was at odds with everything I see my submissive world to be. I understand that there is a difference between submissive and slave. Yet the two states of being share some undeniable similarities. And I wondered if she was truly happy. Or if she just told herself she was because of the life she had? She sounded like a broken woman who lacked the ability to ever put herself back together.

Which brings me to the concept of "breaking" a submissive. Why would you want a broken person, let alone to be the person breaking them? Bent, yes. Really bent, sure I'm down. But broken, no. Tyvm. Alpha has compared the concept of bending a sub to growing a plant (yes, all these lovely comparisons. Last month I was a beneficial parasite, now I'm a plant. Am I moving up or down the food chain?). If you bend a stem or branch just enough but not to much, it grows in the direction you want. It cracks just a little at that point and rebuilds it's own matter. The branch is likely to never break at that exact point once it heals. It becomes stronger and is more likely to survive.
Why does the concept of "breaking" seem to be so popular?

P.S If anyone has any ideas as to why the stupid little "recent comments" gadget on my page is all jacked up, please let me know lol.

Switching modes

Looking back over my blog, I realized something--I think and express primarily in emotion and feeling. Maybe part of it is that physical events can be difficult for me to recount because my brain gets all fuzzy and shit. Maybe it's because I'm an emotional person who gets to swept up in feeling. Or maybe I just think to much.

While I was browsing through blogs last night, I found a post that talked about something that has been on my mind a lot lately (normally I do get off my lazy ass and make a link when I don't have a blog listed here, but for some reason it's not showing on my dashboard and I can't figure out how to get back to it 'cuz I'm savvy like that). Switching from work mode to submissive mode. I know that this is an experience some subs don't have an issue with. Maybe that's because they are able to see themselves as submissive to their Dominants even when they are functioning in a different role and that's enough to keep them on track. I really don't know. I on the other hand, being multi-talented in my fucked-upness, have a very difficult time switching back and forth between running the show (or being the top bitch on the ladder as the case may be), and handing over control when I walk back in the door. Getting back in my place as the case may be. The post I read suggested having a routine, something that establishes your submission as soon as you walk back in the door. Things like that are a bit difficult when you have two kids roaming the halls but it seems like a nice idea.

Of course, there's that little issue of me actually liking being at the top of the bitch ladder. And sometimes, I just damn well don't want to do as I'm told. It might be nice to be one of those subs who isn't always over thinking, someone who always feel submissive; to not feel the need to question and stand on the line just to see exactly where it is. But I guess that's just not who I am I and I doubt it ever will be. But I would like the ability to drop all that outside shit and just be His when I walk back through the door. No struggle to go back to where I belong.

Uuumm

I added a recent comments widget. And it's all jacked up. Why is it all jacked up? Lol.

Lol

Lol, so the pretty little box does work. Ooh, a pro/con list for my special spammer. Not a bad idea sfp. And your other point, well it just makes the pretty little box seem completely redundant lol. The funny thing is, my computer was freezing as I was c/p their statement/question(?) so I missed part of it.
And to the other (anonymous?), ummm, I dunno, didn't put that much thought into it. That whole, think before you speak and look before you leap bit--still working on that lol.

I have figured out the exact purpose and use of the pretty little box: to make the account owner ASK questions, not answer. It all makes sense now. Lmao.

Formspring...?

Okay, so I have this pretty little Formspring box on my blog. No one Ever uses it. And I do mean ever. Not one single question. I was actually thinking of removing it. But it's pretty and well, someone might use it some day right? This morning I have an email saying someone asked me a question so I'm all, "Ooh, Formspring question, this might be fun!" It's not a question so I don't have an answer...

"I seek to become a perma sub/slave"

Umm...Good luck?

Is there such a thing as Formspring spam? Maybe the pretty little box is not functioning correctly.

The squashed revolution and viewing myself as property

Before I start climbing the bitch ladder lol, I would like to say something about respect--It's a necessary component of any relationship. And I respect Alpha more than any other human being on the face of this planet. I don't know if that means more or less given that the list of people I actually respect is very short...Anyways, back to that ladder.
I didn't want to. I was tired, my back hurt, I was feeling sluggish and cranky. I Really didn't want to. So I decided to stage my own personal little revolution in a completely diplomatic and respectful manner. Translation: "I don't want to." Alpha shot a raised eyebrow in my direction. The kind that is inviting me to dig myself in deeper and if I'm wise I'll shut up right there. I was not feeling wise. "I don't want to and I will not!" Predictably, there came the hand around my throat depriving me of oxygen and offering a very good excuse to shut the fuck up. "Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore!" I wheezed offering Him the universal symbol of love with both hands. His grip tightened. Then He let go giving me something that was a mix between a derisive snort and an all-out laugh. We both know if He said "okay, you are no longer owned and we are not doing this anymore," that I would shit (figuratively) and come crawling back begging (literally) to be owned and Dominated once again.
When we made it to bed, I still damn well didn't want to. "Do you know what time it is?" He gave me that infuriating grin. "Yes I do, it's time for you to service the account" translation--you're going to suck my dick. I glared at Him and bit and bitched. I was never going to get any of my beloved sleep if I kept the revolution alive so I let it die. And I sucked. And fucked. At some point (see, the haziness is kicking in), I admitted that I have a hard time viewing myself as property. He has this thing where He makes me look Him in the eye while we are having sex. Particularly if we are having a discussion (usually with only one side making sense. And it's not me). He used my hair like a handle and turned my head making me look straight in His eyes. It's almost mentally painful because His look becomes so intense it's difficult not to just squeeze my eyes shut. But even if I do, I can still feel Him looking...Back on point, His reply was immediate "why should you have a hard time viewing yourself as My property, can anyone else do the things I do to you, could anyone else make you shit and piss the bed before you get out of bed in the morning if they wanted to [at this point it's almost a threat, my only consolation is that I know He gets off on controlling my bodily fluids and scat's not a big area of interest], I could make you piss yourself right now if I wanted to." Point taken.

Which leads me to something that I have been thinking about ever since I got in trouble for not eating dinner--taking care of me and viewing myself as property. I try my best to take care of anything and anyone I perceive as being His. From His health and house, to His employees and small possessions. But not myself...To the extent that He has made rules about basic things from brushing my teeth and eating properly to making me get and keep appointments with chiropractors and dentists. If I take a step outside my personal perception, it seems a bit ridiculous--I mean, how sad is it, as a full grown woman, to need rules surrounding basic care of myself?
So I would like to work on that more. Viewing myself as His property. How I care for myself being a good reflection on Him. And I wonder why, since I am so obviously happily and unavoidably owned, is it so difficult for me to perceive myself as property?

Angst

I had one of those days at work where I had a pile of irritating passive aggressive sticky notes to direct my day (seriously, I used to think that post-its were cool, now I now they were invented purely for evil purposes). On my way home I drank an excessive amount of gas station cappuccino tempered with half and half. Ugh. It made me feel like I had eaten a stick of butter. When I got home, Alpha was passed out on the couch and the boys were watching a movie. Sent the big boy to bed. Waited for the little one to pass out. Woke Alpha up and stumbled to bed. That's when it all went downhill. On His way through the kitchen, He noticed that I had not eaten dinner. I feel compelled to point out that He was exceptionally graceless and rude about it. And me, for once, being sweet and apologetic which was greeted with a plethora of "whatevers" from Him. He was pissed. I got (silently) pissed. He went to sleep deliberately insuring that no part of Him was touching me at all. Oh good times for all.
This morning I got a short, much less cranky, reading of the riot act for not eating. I'm in trouble. And getting kicked out of the "bubble" is so much worse than any other form of punishment. In the end, I know It's just one of His ways of looking out for me. And I suck at taking care of myself which was going to be a big part of a much less angsty post for today but it will have to wait until Saturday.

Introspection and the obvious

The problem with introspection, is that you're bound to find things you don't really like about yourself. A non-conversation regarding Jessica Alba's ass (which I must admit is ridiculously nice), last night got me thinking about jealousy. Specifically, why I am such a jealous person. It's not a nice emotion to express or feel. So a little non-complimentary introspection led me to my answer. It is, of course, not pretty, but it's true--My jealousy revolves around my own self image. What makes me jealous of the women He see's in daily life and would fuck given the opportunity? I see in them things I lack. All physical traits which, after two children, I no longer have. In a nutshell--I am jealous of others because I have a poor image of myself. The ironic thing is, I have had women literally tell me they hate me for dropping the weight of two pregnancies as if it was never there. But when I look at my naked body in the mirror, the tracks are very obvious. I suppose the root of my jealousy had a simple answer, one right in front of my every time I look at myself. But sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to grasp especially if the answer is one you don't really like.

Which leads me to--Not seeing the obvious. There's a post over at A Dominant Character (over on the right>>>) talking about "how He knows" in response to a post on Whatiwonder (also over on the left>>> Uh, I mean right. Give me some lazy leeway. Two links in one post before work is just to much lol).
It's the obvious and simple things I have the hardest time seeing and accepting. Like simple concepts--they fuck me up. I love algebraic equations, long division of polynomials, anything to do with the quadratic equation, you get the picture. Yet stuff like simple grade-school division? Alpha has to walk me through it and remind me how it's done every time. It's a rotten trait to have that is really only useful in college and not always applicable to reality. For life's every day crap and getting your kids past basic math, it's total shit. And I see it in my boys--the two year old can count to 14, is working on his ABC's, and talks like he's four. But he can't tell you a tree is "green."

The obvious is often illusive to me which is probably why I'm so damn intorspective. And the problem with introspection is that you don't always like what you find.

Sex, coffee, and chocolate

I think my post about morning sex came off maybe too "I chose," lol.
Since everything started out with the dratted spoon, I didn't really expect things to take the turn they did. On a happy note, Alpha has decided that He doesn't like the spoon all that much. It's a pity there's so many worthy substitutes in the kitchen, and the closet, and the yard...
Anyways, He dragged me to the bedroom by my hair (that's when I am most accommodating I guess. I'm attached to it you know and I am not a fan of premature balding), After the spoon became well acquainted with my ass and I lost count once, uhh, maybe twice? Oops. He kept me on my knees and pulled my ass over to the edge of the bed. When I heard his buckle rattling I thought the belt was destined for my ass. But no, sometimes it is actually used for its original purpose--to hold pants up. It was one of those fucks that's rough, and a little bit brutal. The kind that hurts but is a turn on just because you're being used. He grabbed me by the hair (see a reoccurring theme here? I'm gonna need a wig by forty), pulled my head back, and stated in no uncertain terms that He decides when I fuck. Who I fuck. Who He fucks. Then He asked me if I wanted to cum. Well, yea, but I wasn't really trying to get there because I was pretty sure it wasn't in the cards. Those "I'm taking you now for MY pleasure because I own you" fucks usually end with just one of us cumming and it's not me lol. Maybe He just likes to keep me on my toes. He doesn't like being predictable.
That's one thing I really do miss about bk (before kids)--spontaneity. I'm not a very spontaneous person but He is. There were times He would call me up from work, say He was leaving early and we were going to a concert or something (in the interests of making memories smoother than they really were I tend to avoid mentioning that those were usually the times I couldn't find my id, or my shoes, or my mind lol). When you have a 2 year old and a 7 year old, stuff like that becomes a lot more rare. I think our next outing will probably be to a play party but the way things are looking that won't be for a while.
I'm going to have one more cup of coffee. Well, maybe two or three. And I'll grade the kid's math. Then I shall dive into the experiment that is chocolate truffles. I searched and searched through recipes and finally settled on what I think will be a scrumptious one. Given the copious amounts of chocolate and butter called for, they better damn well be good.

A little bitter

Dear readers,
if you are not in the mood to read a completely self-pitying post that contains nothing except bitching and moaning, I suggest you either scroll down or visit somewhere more interesting over on the right lol.>>>>>

Disclaimer duly posted. Don't say I didn't warn you. Today started out pretty good. My house is looking nice, I had a day off with my family, I planned a yummy dinner and decided to try my hand at making chocolate truffles (the truffles didn't happen. I lost my umph; though I may have something to say about them tomorrow that will probably describe suffering for me which equals entertainment for everyone else lol). It's ridiculous how one phone call can turn your day to shit. See, our phone doesn't get answered often these days. It's always a collection agency or someone comparable wanting money which we don't have because, irony of ironies, no one who owes us is inclined to pay their debts. Then of course there's the one call you actually answer or make because it's supposed to tell you money is coming in so that it can go out to all those lovely credit card and collection agencies that stalk your phone every fifteen minutes. But of course, that would be to smooth, to easy, just one step away from downright simple. So there's no money coming in. And I have decided I hate people who don't pay their debts (yes, I get the irony having just spent a paragraph bitching about ours, but if you made it this far, you can make it through my bitching explanation). I'm talking about personal debts, one human to another. Like the kind of debt amassed to a stubborn Dominant who has to much faith in mankind to listen to the cynical wisdom of His not-so agreeable submissive when she says (maybe in an excessively rude and pissed off way) "they are going to screw you over." Honestly, I know I'm probably supposed to be all "peace and love to mankind, love my enemy," and that whole useless load of shit. But I'm not. I'm more of the "fuck your lying ass and please kill your cunt wife so I'm not tempted to do it myself if I ever see her again" kind of person. A little bitter maybe? Just a little.

Evolution of limiting thought forms

Okay, so now that the cleaning is out of the way, literally and figuratively lol, I may have something semi-interesting to say. lol, at least for myself.

Inspiration and evolution are two of the topics I find most fascinating in life. Inspiration maybe because it was such a big deal to my dad. But it will also lead you to new realizations, big steps, and, well, evolution.
My post yesterday had a lot to do with how I feel about who and what Alpha and I have become as a couple. There have been many steps along the way that got us to where we are today. Some baby steps and some leaps of faith that cannot be measured. Not all of them have been easy or enjoyable but they have all led us to where we stand now.
Often it's easy to slide into thought forms that limit who we are and what we are capable of becoming. Either because we are afraid, have formed the opinion that we don't like something before trying it, or because sometimes it's easier not to take a leap into the unknown (I'm sure there are more, but I noticed my posts are reading like I have been hard lining caffeine, so I'll keep the listings short lol). Everything evolves. At least to a certain extent. If we don't, life is stagnant and unchanging. We limit our ability to learn and grow.
Limits themselves evolve. If you had asked me in the beginning whether watersports would ever be considered, I would have said you were nuts. After events like kneeling in the bathtub, waiting in anticipation, and being pissed all over, I can safely say that limit has evolved and I no longer see it as such. Maybe part of the attraction is that I used to be so adamantly against it. I don't know. I truly believe that some limits will never change for us. They are basic limits that a lot of people new to the concept of BDSM seem to take for granted as applying to everyone (kids, dead people, shit like that). Though there are some that are just limits for us and that's fine--bloodsports and anyone else Dominating me are what come to mind (I feel compelled to add that for Alpha, it's another man Dominating me. Personally I feel very strongly that were He to ever allow another woman to Dominate me, I might hand Him her eyeballs. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen I suppose).

Anyways, stepping outside of limits in a BDSM context, the point is, there are many limiting thought forms that are easy to succumb to. Maybe some are actually healthy. But if you never peek out, how will you see the vastness of possibility and evolution in action?

I'm sure I have not done the topic quite the justice it deserves but I will probably revisit it in the future because I think far to much.

Dirty laundry

Okay, so the title is literal, not figurative, though there's plenty of that to go around too lol. For years I kept a really clean house. Mopped the floors every day, organized the clutter, everything nice enough to eat off the counters. You get the picture. Then we had one kid. Then another. And it slipped a little. Not quite up to my standards, but reasonably clean. Then I started working. And holy shit it went downhill lol. That's not to say Alpha doesn't clean, He does, but it makes Him super pissy. Though recently He got on a kick and started cleaning out the corners so I have been cleaning all weekend. The last load of laundry is now in sight. I appreciate His motivation. The thing is, you know when you come home and your Dominant says He feels like a domestic servant, that your mind and body are probably going to pay dearly because, well, domestic servitude doesn't fit them well lol. Now that it's almost back up to par, I should be able to keep it nice with the time I have. Anyways, that wasn't the main idea for this post, I just got distracted lol.
I spent years bitching about dirty socks. Alpha would stumble in the door around 10:00 at night, shed His clothing all over the living room, eat, and pass out. For a while, I had a laundry basket in every room of the house. Predictably, since the baskets were so prevalent, His clothing would end up somewhere near one, but never actually in it. And it drove me nuts. Nowadays, I don't mind picking up His laundry. It's kind of funny, because it was a huge pet peeve of mine for so long. At this point it's more of a service thing--I would rather pick up his clothes than wash my bosses tidy whiteys (I wish I was joking here, but I'm losing my sense of humor. Maybe I need it beat back into me). I adore cleanliness and I miss having a hot meal ready when He walks in the door. Since I mumble my way in after nine, it's just not practical so He cooks a lot more.

Alpha said He's going to restart the business come springtime. Part of me is going "oh thank god, I hate my job, the bills aren't getting paid, and it means no more identity crisis for either of us." Then the little selfish part of me doesn't want things to go back to the way they were. I work 3-4 days a week. When Alpha works it's generally 7 fifteen hour days in a row with a day or two off to sleep and stare at the walls. And I missed Him so much over the years. Since He hasn't had that schedule, we have really evolved in the D/s aspect of our relationship just because He has more time and energy. He did promise He won't push it quite so hard now, as far as His schedule from hell goes. So I think that it's a good thing. He's used to being the provider and it fits Him well. Staying home with the kids all the time is rough, especially when you associate your identity with a well-paying and very physical job.
So there's my random, completely boring line of thoughts for today lol

Grateful

I'm at the mercy of my moods. I'm also at the mercy of Alpha. The two are unfortunately not always in sync. He has said before that He doesn't want to always have to Take what He wants. Sometimes I need to give willingly just because I want to please Him. I understand that and it makes sense. I love when He is pleased with me so why is it often to difficult for me to willingly volunteer for something without being told? Maybe it's because what gets me off is being commanded and Dominated, maybe it's because I'm a little bit selfish, maybe it's because I'm a little bit lazy and I just don't want to sometimes.

Things used to be different. So very different on so many levels. We were close, but nothing like we are now. I used to hate sex. I would just kind of detach from myself and lie there on the rare occasions that we actually did it. It hurt and I really thought there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first child that anyone in the medical field suggested that it had more to do with my head than my body. It sounds cliche, but your brain really is the biggest sex organ (for all those men out there who swear it's their dicks, I promise you it is not). And that leads us to my favorite thing about D/s--The mental aspects. Don't get me wrong, the physical things are awesome and are often quite entwined with the mental results, but it's the things that happen in my mind that make the experience what it is. Something happened when we first began exploring ttwd. The biggest thing was honesty. It got to the point where I couldn't handle Alpha Not knowing everything. I couldn't go down into space, I couldn't think clearly, all my cards had to be on the table in order for me to be able to function at all. And it scared the everliving shit out of me. Still does sometimes. But I have learned and seen a lot under the harsh light of truth--mainly that as long as it's real and true, he will love me no matter what. He accepts me for what I am even as what I am changes and evolves. I can admit any fantasy and He won't judge me, I can tell Him my fears and my dreams, I can lay my doubts and imperfections on the table, and He will still be there. He will still own me. He will still Dominate me. He will still want me to be His forever.

I am grateful. I am grateful that He won't let me get away with any shit, that I can sit at His feet and tell Him anything, that He loves my body and my mind, that He was willing to explore ttwd and somehow became damn good at it. I love that He takes care of me when I am sick, punishes me when I am bad, values my opinions, and challenges me to be better. I love that He is rough and gentle, kind and a little bit cruel. I love what we have become.

This morning I did something unusual for me. Actually, it may have only happened a couple of times during all these years. I went back to bed for morning sex without being told to. It sounds small and silly, but I really don't like morning sex and am usually dragging my feet and trying really hard not to bitch to much about it when the occasion arises. So why this morning? Because I wanted Him to be happy. Because we have been a bit out of sorts and I was due a punishment for my recent behavior. It didn't happen last night. I didn't feel good and had passed out on the couch by 9:00 I think. And He woke me up and sent me to bed instead of punishing me. So, I volunteered morning sex. Not because I was trying to avoid getting the punishment today, not because I think it's not still coming and I'm going to get out of it. But because in a way punishment usually gets us back on track unless I really don't feel good in which case I just end up deeply resenting it. And something had to get us back in sync. I wanted Him to be happy and I am thankful for the fact that He will take how I'm doing into consideration when it comes to Dominating me. I suppose there are people out there who would equate that with weakness and perhaps at one time, I might have as well. But He has shown me different. Sometimes there is more strength when control, and sadism, and Dominance are tempered with tenderness. He does not allow my whims to decide our direction or my moods to control His desires. And I don't think that He should.

I am grateful for everything that we have become.

I've been told

I've been told that I have a new best friend. She's common, shiny, and deceptively innocuous. Why, why do my kids lose the plastic spatulas, break the wooden spoons (okay, so wooden spoons are not to be underestimated, but still), and leave all variety of dishes outside for the dogs, yet they cannot manage to lose one simple metal slotted spoon?? I knew I didn't want anymore friends. They always hurt you one way or another lol.

He said she said

Me: "why are you so mean?"
Him: "Why do you have to run away, why are you so obstinate, how come you disobey, why can't you just Be? Remember, you only get one question. I get them all."
It's an unfair policy. But He doesn't feel it's necessary to be fair. Only "just." Does being able to ask all the questions still count if the one being asked doesn't have the answers?

Fantasy and reality

When Alpha first "suggested" (I know, give me my illusions lol) that I find a play party for us to go to as active participants, I figured He had been reading the blogs on my list and was just fucking with my head. When I said so, He looked at me like I had just turned green and sprouted horns--I checked, my color is a bit off but no visible horns I swear. I was a bit surprised. After all, this is someone who tends to be an intensely private person. I spent the day thinking about it and well, it's an exciting thought. Then I spent the next day thinking about the basic logistics. There's all these happy-go-lucky people who just pop out and do whatever they want whenever they want to. The people who are always the first to say "I keep my sub chained to the bed. We are Really 24/7." I won't elaborate on the general sarcastic nature of my thoughts but it all revolved around the realities of keeping life running and finding a babysitter. So my next day wasn't spent in anticipation, it was spent wondering how the hell I am going to set up over 24 hours worth of babysitting more than two days in advance lol. And then last night on my way home from work (I think to much and my hour long drive in the car is often an excessive breeding ground for it), I had a moment of panic. So I have some seriously exhibitionist fantasies...but under and over them, I'm shy. My sexual partners have been limited to just a few and the thought of anyone besides Alpha seeing me "in action" so to speak, is rather nerve-wracking. I have to admit, the possibility doesn't seem real. Nothing ever does until it happens I guess.

The problem is...

The problem with working closely with someone who is bipolar is that it makes a person feel a bit bipolar themselves. For a while, I was ready to quit my job. Tell the boss to shove his anal retentive issues and find someone else to put up with his shit. But we need my job. So I stayed. Then he had an upswing. Fine to work with, fairly layed back, kind of witty. All good. So I stopped looking for another job. Now he's going into a downswing and I hate my job again. Good times lol.
Anyways, I have what I consider to be much more interesting things on my mind but not enough time to give them the attention they deserve. As I'm off to my wonderful and totally enjoyable, well-paying job. Is sarcasm dripping off the computer screen yet?

Find a party?!

Okay, this topic was much more humorous when it was happening to someone else lol. This morning Alpha informed me that I needed to find a play party somewhere near us. Not just to watch either. He said "some fantasies are just fantasies that are never supposed to be real. The ones that linger need be explored before they become issues." Hmm, see what I get for sharing lol. There's my food for thought for today.
Anyways, today is my moms birthday and I have to get my ass to work so I can leave early.

The usual randomness...

I'm great at filtering myself (well, in all honesty, I have been told that my brain to mouth filtering is total shit lol) But that's not what Alpha wants. He wants me raw, honest, unhampered by the bounds of what I think sounds right. He want's it straight from my mind without that careful crafting to make it sound acceptable. He wants that first thought (you know, the shit that after you say it, your thinking "oh crap"). This gets me into trouble sometimes because He's not always happy with what He hears. But, for me, that's one of the most incredible things about D/s--It's like being in a storm. The kind of storm where the rain is pouring down, lightning is striking, and the elements take over. And you're drenched to the core but it doesn't matter because there is nothing but the storm, flying on the electricity of it, floating in the rain as it washes your soul clean. It's primal and fierce. Like experiencing birth or death, it takes you to that place where everything superficial is washed away and only the basic elements of being exist.

That little tidbit is what I had in my brain for a post last night. Events of last night expanded my thoughts in a different direction. I'm getting used to being the one who shares fantasies that make me cringe (lol, I wanna know when things like being made to suck someone else's cock and Alpha pissing all over me in a room full of people became some of my Less twisted fantasies). Anyways, He was fucking me and He asked me if I knew why He always asks me questions me questions during. My hazy reply was no, but I have always wondered (really, it drives me up the fucking wall). His answer was because my body is like a lie detector--I can swear up and down that something doesn't turn me on but my body will betray me no matter what my mind thinks. Damn thing.

Alpha grabbed my head and looked me in the eye. Brushing the hair back from my face He said "no matter how I may surprise you, no matter how I may scare you, no matter how I may fuck up along the way; know that I love you and you will always be mine." I must say, for some reason, those words melted me...Then He proceeded to tell me things I would have never in a million years imagined could be floating around in His head. Lets just say, He took the concept of Dominance to whole new levels. And I should have left it at that, I mean it's not often He actually shares a fantasy or mindset that makes mine look like child's play. But it was actually a fantasy He Himself didn't understand. Also a rare gem from someone who's always so damned self-assured lol. So, I didn't leave it at that. I proceeded to admit to a whole new level of twisted. The response was something to the effect of me making Him look like a vanilla dabbler. And that maybe He's not more twisted than me after all.
For the record, I disagree.

Another shift

Sometimes I go through periods of being obstinate and out of sorts right before another shift (totally stole use of the word "shift" from greengirl "whatiwonder" over on the right). I started noticing it last night. Ironically, we were kind of out of kilter at the time. I used to only notice shifts in my submission or our dynamic after they happened; one of those hindsight is always 20/20 things. Dammit, this was all so clear in my head as I was passing out last night lol. Maybe it was going to work with the words "slut, whore, mine" written all over my thighs (denim seems to make permanent marker wear off fairly well btw lol. A bit less hazardous than varnish remover), that made me focus on things more.
I love Alpha's control. And for some reason, I fight it most objectionable right before I realize that I want more and begin wishing He would push it further, exercise more control (yea, shit like that always leads too those "wtf have I done" moments). I love when He causes me pain and talks me through it, tells me how to take it, speaks kindly and firmly while doing brutal things to my body. I have often wondered why being talked to like that has such a deep impact and changes the experience so completely...

I spent a lot of time repressing my inner slut which in turn repressed me sexually. A lot. I still do keep it locked down somewhat. I love the way I feel when I don't. I enjoy feeling sensual and sexual and, well, not repressed lol. But I'm still afraid of what happens when I just let go. Because it shows in my interactions with the outside world. And in all truth, my past actions earned some of the terms of "endearment" He uses with me. So, for example, I go out of my way not to notice men I find attractive. Which overall I think has increased my issues with jealousy of other women because I deny that it's a human trait to find members of the opposite sex attractive. At the same time, I wonder when the fuck I began finding myself looking at certain men, laughing, and thinking "I would chew you up and spit you out..."
And the denial, it's no good. Alpha gets off making me admit that I want to be used, have all my holes filled at once, be fucked like the dirty whore I have spent so much time denying. He makes me admit it to Him. And I wonder, why sometimes still, do I have such a difficult time admitting it to myself and just accepting and being it?
Another shift is happening. I feel the abyss calling, whispering, saying it's time to take another leap further in. Willingly give Alpha a little bit more, take another step out of my "little box" and let Him finally crush it all the way so there's no going back in. Accept that I have no limits besides the ones He sets because I trust Him and what He chooses. Completely.

So much for clarity lol.

Permanent marker...

Last night I was on the couch stalling my late entry into a much needed and demanded shower. Alpha came by with a black permanent marker. I was fairly sure that the "whore" and "slut" would wash off my thighs, I even had confidence that the "MINE" above my pubic bone would come off with a little bit of soap. Uhh, no. Still there. The ridiculous thing is, I use the same markers at work to keep track of water jugs and their sterilization chart--it washes off every friggin time. And no, I'm not cramming myself into a dishwasher to check the success rate of removing permanent marker off delicate skin. After all, I don't mind that much. At least He didn't write lies all over me and kept it to the covered regions lol. It will be a new experience to run errands all over town with my traits and position written on me...

Different topics rolled into one post as usual...

After Alpha read my earlier post and informed me that I was going to need to explain what exactly I meant by saying I wanted more consistency, I started thinking...Is it unfair of me to ask that given my predisposition to inconsistency? I mean, I'm worse than the weather around here, snowing from blue skies, fifty degrees to below zero in a short matter of hours, sunny day to thunder and rain in a matter of minutes--that's me. Not as bad as I used to be with mood swings. But still, some days I'm more likely to say "fuck you" than anything else. Well, I'll admit, that's a pretty standard line for me but more in a spirited familiar way than as an insult. As a general rule Alpha seems to view it as mild "diarrhea of the mouth" and doesn't bat an eyelash though occasionally He see's it as out of place and is quick to put me back in mine. On my off days though...I mean it. I just plain don't want to submit, I don't want to give a back rub at 10 PM, I don't want to make the fucking coffee, and I sure as hell don't want to be told what to do. I think those days are fairly rare now and I have come to realize that I value Alpha's Dominance, that it fulfills some deep seated need in me, that I need Him to show me where my place is and remind me to stay there. Still though, the point remains that I am not entirely consistent myself so is it fair for me to ask for more of it from Him?

There's still the little issue of "explaining" myself which is what I should be thinking about instead of typing insanely away to myself. I'm not good at it though so whenever I have to explain what I think I need or my particular stance on an issue, I freeze up and tend to make very little sense at all.


I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes this afternoon. Totally sexy and attractive in a cozy, grandma style nightgown over sweats (hey, it's cold okay), when Alpha came up to me, leaned over and said softly in my ear "you're my favorite person." Love is good.
Later when I was doing my usual browsing through various blogs, you know because my life is full of all this free time for shit like that, He walked by and commented "I don't know why you always have to feel like you belong to a group [ironic to say the least, given my extreme love of humankind. Ahem]. You don't have to justify yourself. Just be happy with your uniqueness." Hmm, a rather nice, if somewhat painful comment. It did prompt some introspection though. Do I read all these blogs written by people with similar interests because I am looking to justify my own wants and desires, because I want to feel like I am not completely strange and alone in what I like, or do I read them for the reasons I tell myself--simply because I enjoy them and like reading things written by people who have a concept of what it is to feel like I do? In all honesty, I think it's a bit of both.
As to belonging? I have come to realize that, in the end, the only place I truly feel the need to belong is to Alpha. And that's where I think my recent issues with being all out of sorts come from. In my secret little heart of hearts I am a little bit mad at Him. I am mad that He decided to own me completely, to take and keep all that I am, to become the center of my little universe, to allow me to grow up (literally) to rely upon Him so much. It all boils down to the fact that, deep down inside, I'm angry He didn't go get help years ago. Because He isn't well. And over the last year His health has gotten worse. And I am afraid. I'm afraid that I will not be His until the day I die. Because He really is my One.
Yet my fear and anger in themselves are not fair or right. After all, I love Him more than life itself and He relies on me too. I am His confidante, His backup, the only one He has to go to. So I go to that little iron fortress in myself with the voice that says I will be alright no matter what. Not because I feel capable of surviving anything, or I am exceptional in any way, simply because that is who I am and what I must do. But it doesn't make me feel better. I think that's why I resisted giving Him my all as much as I did--because He gives my life its meaning. And in some strange way, I need Him more than life.

Randomness and "being better"

 The other night we were lying in bed and I asked Alpha if there was one thing He could change about my submission, what would it be (Okay, so I'm all fuzzy at the time and I'm not thinking that I would know by now because after all, He's the one in charge right?). He said He'd have to think about it. For about five seconds I subscribed to the view that it was super sweet because there was nothing big and obvious enough to come right off the top of His head. Then it occurred to me that maybe it was because there was so many things that He couldn't pick just one. Fucker refused to clarify.
The reason I asked the question was, for one, I really am curious as to what it would be and I enjoy knowing that He is pleased with me so perhaps it would lead me be able to please Him more. For two (oh come on, there's almost always a "but" or "for two, or three, or four..." Just because it's rarely said doesn't mean it's not there), as a sub it's not easy suggesting things that You think will improve your Dominant and I had something particular on my mind. I am not good with lines (really I'm not, it's a terrible thing trying to decide where the various lines in life are and which ones should absolutely not be crossed lol). Like the line between helping Him be the best that He can (contrary to popular opinion in my family, I am not the only one who feels the need to be the best at everything they do), and attempting to top from the bottom. Which is something I try not to do anymore and He nips in the bud right off the bat. It would have been fairly easy to bring up without sounding critical if He had said something about me first lol. So as a result, I ended up saying nothing at all. Naturally, He is going to read this and if I'm not forthcoming it will probably end with me backed up against a wall feebly protesting that I really do need oxygen to survive. So I'll decrease my chances of being oxygen deprived right now (yea yea, so I do enjoy being grabbed by the throat and pushed up against the wall). It was a simple little thing. Given the overall vastness of ttwd, having a "thing" here and there isn't a big deal. The "improvement" I kept to myself? Consistency. Fairly simple...right?

I spend a fair amount of time bitching about how sadistic Alpha is. And He really can be. But in the end, that's not really what gets Him off the most. What He loves, what He thrives on, what turns Him on the most, is control. I was thinking about it because the other night after an activity which involved me being in pain, He rolled over, and with deep seriousness and sincerity, stated "I don't enjoy hurting you little one." Uhhhh, you just whipped me with a belt, and now you "don't enjoy" causing me pain?! He chuckled. and replied "I like seeing you get off on it. It gets me off." I countered with the fact that, just because my body tells it's own damn story without my consent, it's almost always a bit too much (okay, in all fairness I guess that's part of the appeal). I continued by saying that there's plenty of times I'm not enjoying the pain but He likes giving it just fine. He of course had to make things logical and pointed out that those times are generally when I am in trouble and He finds it quite satisfactory to give me what I have earned. Sigh. I'm the one who told Him it was okay to let the sadist out of His box. And now I'm doubting my masochistic tendencies on a regular basis.

I read all these nice clear accounts of subs experiences with their Dominants. I'm fuzzy as fuck after those times. Everything gets hazy, words said flow out of my mind, physical actions fade together, time becomes irrelevant, and my recall is generally total shit so they rarely transfer neatly to my bloglol.

How hard can it be??

Okay, so by this point I have blogger figured out fairly well. But when it comes to navigating wordpress blogs, totally lost. I really enjoy reading Under His Hand, but no followers option. Alright, subscribe to feed, I'm a big girl I can do it. Uhhhh, where the fuck is it and what in god's name is an igoogle page?? Apparently I have one and that's what I subscribed with...? but it seems pretty useless and I have no idea how to get back to it. So I subscribed with the blog. And what's the difference between that and listing it with the other blogs?? All rhetorical questions reminding me faintly of my mother's phone call the other night. Her: "I clicked save and everything disappeared, then when it opened back up it asked me if I wanted to save it but I already had and so I didn't and now where's the folder and what happened??" Me: well mom, without looking at it I don't know where the folder is and I'm thinking since you didn't save it it's probably gone. Did you do a search?" yea, we went on like that until I gave up lol. I like to think I'm slightly more computer literate than her...

Fact and fantasy

Okay, so I read a post this morning that got me to thinking about things other than bitching. Yay lol. Nilla did a post  (ooh see, I made a link this time) about why rape fantasies are a turn on. That's actually something I have thought about a lot because I have conflicting emotions about the topic. I have grown enough to accept that I'm a twisted slut but not quite enough to really be comfortable with all the aspects of it. One of those aspects is my fascination with rape fantasies. It was really hard to admit I had them at all. In fact, I resorted to my blog as a way of telling Alpha about them. While He happily decided to fulfill the fantasy, I think that overall He has some reservations about exploring the concept more deeply. When you have actually experienced rape, weird things happen at odd times. For the most part I'm fine. Occasionally, the random, innocuous little event happens, that funky switch flips, and suddenly things aren't okay. So when it comes right down to it, Alpha is afraid of breaking me (yes, Dominants are human too. For the most part lol). I don't know where the line is so I rely on Him to walk it. I would be a terrible Dominant lol.

So, my  question to is this: why are rape fantasies a turn on if you know from personal experience how awful the real thing is?

A little bit of a rant...

Ooh la la, all I had to to was bitch and moan enough and someone answered their phone. I needed the hours but I doubt the $80 I was going to make would come anywhere near covering the mental and physical health care I may have required by going in lol. I feel pretty good about surviving the day now. Not looking so hopeful for the kids but you know, someone has to sacrifice lol. For once it might as well not be me.

I was thinking yesterday, about how I tend to really not like people in general. The feeling seems to be mutual lol. Especially with women. It doesn't help that it's usually the psychotic ones who want to be friends just so they can get the knife closer to my back. A little bit of crazy is fine, I can get along with that. But damn, some people just take it to unnecessary heights. In the interests of fairness, I have been told that I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I have a rather dry and sarcastic sense of humor that most people (women in particular) interpret in ways completely opposite of how it was meant.
Really though, is it that difficult to find friends who don't think loyalty and truth are concepts only applicable in imagination? I'm going on 28 years old and much through choice, I don't really have friends. Though there are times when I miss those interactions greatly. From past experience I can say that we arrive at some pretty basic human differences right off the bat. For one, I don't enjoy the company of doormats. Yet all the "strong women" I have met were on some kind of "pussy power" kick and (though never actually admitting it), had issues with Alpha and the little parts of our dynamic that are obvious (but geez, is it really a big deal to make a freakin cup of coffee when your husband asks?). And well, if someone has a problem with Him, they have a problem with me. So that shit just never works.
I guess this is coming to mind today because my last "friendship" is still biting us in the ass financially. While she wasn't the person directly attributable for Alpha not getting paid for the job He did in July, she was clearly the one who incited the disintegration of the business arrangement. Which brings me to my biggest problem with the female species in general (in all fairness, I know that there are probably plenty of women in the world who don't fit into this category, they just don't appear live in my corner of planet earth): Backstabbing bullshit. I mean, what's wrong with just opening your mouth and saying straight up to someone's face "I have a problem with you"??? Then from there you either work out your shit, or move on and get over it (yes, I'm obviously having a hard time getting over it lol).

Feeling like crap obviously makes me pissy lol. But isn't bitching better than whining...maybe?

Uhhhh

So I'm sitting here with my happy little migraine debating my options for the day. I could probably get someone to cover my shift and since I'm pretty much non-functional, that sounds like a good idea. On the other hand, I have 7 and 2 year old boys that I will have to co-habitate with if I stay home. Really, what is the fascination with explosive sounds and treating the living room like a race track? And why does everything have to be a "battle," for fucks sake, my living room isn't That exciting lol.

I tried to get someone to cover my shift so naturally no one's answering their fucking phone and now I really want the day off lol.

Bitch and moan...

Here i go with more completely random shit...
First off, I put a few days into picking Alpha as a nickname, I was bored with "M" to generic, no character, etc. So I'm thinking, okay that's a great choice for Him. Haven't I seen it on someone else's blog though? So I look carefully through the blogs I read. Nope, not there. My idea is original. So, I tell Him that's what I chose, He says He was going to suggest it. Great. I change the nick on His id, etc.Then I go to a blog that's not on my list. And what do you know...There it is. It seems like it's probably got a pretty sad background. And it's on a blog that's been up since before I even read blogs. Well shit lol. I'm not changing it but geez, with so many people and ideas in the world it's amazing they aren't all used up yet.

I'm so freakin tired of being sick. It settled in instantaneously last night--swollen lymph nodes, migraine, all that shit that's a really good time. I'm gonna haul my ass to work, fake health, and try not to breath on anyone. Ooh la la, isn't life exciting lol.

Can I just say...

Can I just say...I adore You and I love how You read every stupid word I write on this blog.

Needy!?

I have never been the one to be needy for sex. Why would I, Alpha is always hot to trot so to speak. It's more like me stumbling home from work, crawling in bed and whining "no, I need my beauty rest. Who do you think you are?" Oh yea...that's right. He thinks it's funny too so chuckle away. I have even been known to go so far as "fuck off!" which He likes to call having diarrhea of the mouth. The statement is met with varying responses ranging from a look to THE look, not being acknowledged at all, or me dangling gracelessly in a desperate attempt to get my toes to reach the floor while He holds me up by the throat and asks me if I have anything else to say. Well, I would if I could breath, that's just not a fair question in those situations. Anyways, back on point.
Last night He passed out at 8:00. Me thinking it's my last day off, He'll be off skiing this weekend, Something was supposed to happen tonight. And there He is snoring. What the fuck is that? So I wake Him up and into bed we go. He commences His previous activity--snoring attractively. Hmm. See, I have issues (yea yea, it's obvious I know. Don't rub it in. You have issues too), I don't actively seek sex. If I do, that means that I asked for whatever happens to me and there's no blaming it all on Him and denying my part. So I tried a bit, not super hard I'll admit, but much to my dismay He wasn't going to wake up. And if I tried super hard and obvious like, my safety of denial was going straight out the window. Finally I said those words that are absolutely banned--I'm going to take care of myself. Holy hell on wheels! He responded as if He had not been snoring loudly two seconds before. I don't even remember exactly what He said, something along the lines of like hell you are and what the fuck do you think you're saying. Not many rules, but making myself cum? An absolute crime in His book. At one point (of course when I was begging to cum), He suggested the possibility of fucking my face and actually allowing me to take care of myself (I'm getting fucked and staring a beautiful orgasm in the face, I really don't want to masturbate any more). Luckily for me, He wasn't as awake as He sounded so His devious brain was not operating at top efficiency and He settled for letting me have that heavenly orgasm then sucking Him off. Stepping out of denial might not be so over rated after all.

Indulging the darkness within

When I tell Alpha how twisted He is, He likes to point out exactly how twisted I am. So maybe He has a point there lol. But still, there is some kind of strange comfort in knowing that He's just a little more twisted than me. Why exactly? I'm not sure. When we first began our journey into D/s I was really afraid Alpha was going to find out that I was more kinky than Him. Turns out, I'm not. He just spent a lot of time keeping the beast in it's cage. Eventually someone had to open the door. When He did He told me that, while He didn't mind hurting me (go figure), He was afraid of damaging me and never wanted to be responsible for breaking me. Fair enough, I'm not complaining. But was it really necessary to let me spend all that time obsessing about being too twisted? I guess for someone who likes to watch me squirm as much as Alpha does, it was.

So we have been indulging the darkness within. Alpha plowed through the doors of my mind and explored the sick shit inside. He let the twisted sadist in Himself out to play. That was a while ago but I still remember my moment of panic "omg, what have I done. I can't handle Him!" And I guess I still can't handle Him. But in the end, I'm not supposed to be able to "handle" Him. If I could, what would be the point? There is a beauty to letting go and watching the beast torment my body and ravage my mind. I love that Alpha is just a little more twisted, always one step further when I peer into the shadows of possibility.

Darkness gets a bad rap. We can't see through it so we don't always know what's inside. But some of us decide to do a little more than just take a peek. We travel into the darkness and explore its realms of limitless possibility. It's to easy to think that BDSM is a physical experience. Yes, there's no denying that it is a physical experience when you're covered in piss, tied to the bed, and begging for the pain to stop. But the mental aspects, what Alpha does to my mind...Those are the things I find truly incredible. What can be done with words and thoughts alone is truly amazing. That He can hold me enthralled and entranced, simply with a word or a look...It's like this magnetic attraction sucking me in.
When something shifts in his eyes and the beast comes out to play with my mind and maybe will decide to prey on my body...When He indulges the darkness within and I know that I am completely and irreversibly owned...That's when I know that surfing the abyss is worth the risk.

Completely random shit...

Alright, after digging through all my favorite nicknames and coming up with some new ones (options ranged from sadistic bastard to Satan's student which He seemed to think was offensive lol), i settled on the obvious choice for a Dominant who often prefers wolves to people--Alpha it is.

Alpha seems to feel that if I say "I'm not sure how I feel about that," it means the particular topic of my feeling should be explored further. He said it's because there's so many things I definitely know how i feel about lol. The particular topic of the moment was slapping. Specifically using His belt to do it. Now, it's true--i really don't know how i feel about that because it's pretty new territory and evokes some feelings and emotions I'm not used to at all. Specifically, real fear. Trepidation, slight fear, the desire to get away, etc. all familiar feelings in play. That rush very akin to almost being sideswiped by a semi--not so familiar. I haven't figured out why being slapped makes me feel that way. I mean, it does hurt, but not as bad as many of the other things He enjoys doing. Maybe because it's falls into the realm of when really bad things happen in a vanilla relationship.

I know this post is random as all Hell, but so am I lol. I had started using a lower case "I" when talking about myself when Alpha and I were spending a lot of time using a shared id. It made it easier for people to tell right off the bat that they were talking to me and I kind of slipped into the habit. Last night I realized that, while my grammar and punctuation are sadly lacking, there are certain rules to writing that I just can't tolerate breaking all the time lol. So, out goes the lower case "I".

The great news of the morning is that Alpha got someone to take this dog we have been trying to place for a year. He bribed them by knocking $100 off their debt if they took the dog. That's terrible! No one pays someone to take a dog, people pay to get dogs! Apparently not this dog...Poor dude, after living with him for a year I realized that if I had been smart, it would have taken a hell of a lot more than that to get me to take him. That's what happens when you are weak and don't want to see an animal spend it's life on a chain I guess.

So I deviated from my "only write for yourself" theory. Part of me said wtf...But then I discovered that I kind of liked it. It was thought provoking and I liked how the post came out. So maybe I'll tweak the theory a little bit and stick to the basic root idea--Just write how I truly feel no matter what the topic is or who is reading it. Lol, having people besides Alpha who actually read my random crap is a new concept for me.

Names...

Okay, so i have been thinking...Calling Him M on the blog isn't working for me anymore. It's common, generic, and completely lacking personality. Hmm, to many options mostly revolving around evil lol.

How we work

my backs gone out again and i woke up with a complimentary migraine, so my ramblings may be even more random than usual today lol.

Last night as M was rubbing my back (yes, He's a big sadistic meany but He loves me and love is good), he brought up how i have been thinking about how we got here and what made our relationship what it is today. The event He feels was our turning point really surprised me. He said that it was the birth of our children. He said that something about seeing me in so much pain and having that experience together (some people are graceful during childbirth and don't seem to regret the decision to go without drugs; me not so much lol), changed everything. Thinking back on it,  those really were the most bonding experiences we have ever had. He was amazing. It took our second child 69 hours to make his way into the world. twice as long as the first (they lied to me you know, everyone said the second would come quicker). i think M slept all of four hours and left my side for a whopping five minutes the whole time. He truly was amazing. i wonder if that was when He began to see beauty in pain. i would say that it doesn't really matter how we got here, but isn't the journey as important as where you're going?

So, what makes a vanilla to D/s marriage work? i really don't know honestly. i imagine much the same things that make any other D/s relationship function well. It's just important to realize the differences (if you're transitioning into D/s anyways). If you are married, it's safe to assume that you know each other well, have established routines, and have formed a foundation for the relationship. When you begin to transition the things you think you know about one another are challenged, your routines change, the foundation begins to shake and crack because it is changing shape. Over the previous years during life as you knew it, even if the marriage has been good, things have been done and said that cannot be taken back. When D/s is integrated, all that shit is going to come back up and probably bite you in the ass. That can be really rough stuff to deal with. Remember that foundation? It's already shaken and began changing shape so the things you thought you knew to be true before don't seem quite so infallible and solid any more. Things that didn't mean anything before have moved up in importance and things you thought mattered don't seem quite so big any more. But that's okay because one of the most beautiful things about ttwd seems to be that it is an ever evolving process of mutual growth (hopefully). It takes different forms for everyone. There's no one right way for everyone and many wrong ways. Every relationship is unique to its participants and so will take on different forms.

If i had to say what, in my humble opinion, are the two biggest keys to making it work, i would choose truth and acceptance. Once there is nothing left between you except for truth, the possibilities for expansion are limitless. Now, since you already have a relationship, a bunch of shit has happened over the years. Even if you have an open an honest relationship to begin with that is basically wonderful and happy, shining light into the corners is never pretty. For me it was the spotlight turning to my past indiscretions. Having to lie there next to Him and tell Him about particular things i did in painful detail, seeing how much i had hurt Him, letting Him into all the places i had locked tight in my mind. When you hit the point of absolute truth, it's make it or break it time. Your foundation is either going to crumble irreparably, dissolving your relationship; you are going to slam those doors tight and never open them again, or you are going to walk through the cobwebs until there is nothing left in the dark and you become closer than ever before.

So now that the light is shining, where onto from here? You are going to have to accept your better half for who and what they are. If you're submissive, you are going to have to accept that getting your way is not going to be as common place as it was before (yea, still working on that one lol). And most of all, you are going to have to accept that it's a learning curve for you both. It's uncharted territory in an endless ocean of possibility. As the submissive, i had to accept that how M chose to Dominate was not up to me regardless of what i thought the "right way" was. That's not to say He didn't/doesn't listen to me because He does and that's one of the things that makes this work for us. If He didn't listen to me, He wouldn't be able to get into my head the way He does. But anyways, M never let me or anyone else choose or mold for Him how and who He was going to be as a Dominant. That was difficult for me to accept at first, but once i did, things began clicking in a new way. A really lovely and surprising way.
Acceptance is a two way street. M may change and mold me in certain ways, but he accepts me for who and what i am. That's one of the things about the glaring light of unadulterated truth--i am not accepted for who i believe myself to be or who i want Him to think i am, i am accepted for who and what i am at the core of my being. i can tell Him anything and He will still love and accept me. There may be consequences and painful emotions. But that's okay because it makes us stronger. His ability to accept me as a whore, a queen, His wife, His property, His equal, His slave, a strong woman, a complete wreck, makes total truth easier. i know i am always safe because He knows all that i am and He loves me anyways.

So there's my take on what has made our transition from vanilla to D/s successful. Though i will probably write more in this vein because i'm finding it thought provoking. If you want M's take, you will have to ask Him for it lol. i'm sure some people will agree with me and others will disagree. And that's okay because we are all unique.

Some clarification

i got a special request for some clarification. So here's Your clarification Baby.
He said something about training that started before either of us was conscious of it or had a concept of what was happening. Then He leaned over me and stated firmly in that slightly irritated commanding tone, "if you're going to post things on your blog like I've been training you since you were fifteen, you should makes some clarifications." All this time and He's never once requested anything about the blog so i guess it's only fair lol. i grinned at Him, "sounded bad didn't it. What would you like me to clarify baby?" I got the raised eyebrow "for starters, the fact that you came after Me." my not so solemn reply was "and?" "And I gave you many opportunities to run away. Sometimes you did."

Yes, in the interests of clarification, i wanted Him bad. i knew the six year age gap was a big issue for Him so i asked Him if He was going to let it get in the way. Lucky me, He decided not to. As for opportunities to run off and ones taken...Yes, i ran too. After i got Him, i had no clue what to do with Him. But i always ran back. And He let me.

In the beginning we were what i would call mostly vanilla. me to young and deeply scarred to admit to or realize anything else, and Him just...Himself. A Dominant character yet soft and with no idea of what a Dominant was or that there was such a thing as training another human being. i suppose that being the one with an understanding of how the real world worked, He was always Dominant in some respects. But i think the whole concept of what happened in all those years before we discovered D/s is that He molded me quite a bit simply because He was such a huge part of my growth into an adult. i mean, He even taught me how to drive lol.

my Love, my darling Master and Husband, if you want the world to have more clarification than that, would you be kind enough to leave a comment and save me a lot of stumbling around? And pretty please be sure to use Your own id. For clarification and all...
Lol. i love you. If you decide to beat me can it be for mutual pleasure?

An idea...

greengirl (to lazy to make a link, she's over on the right "whatiwonder") got me to thinking about what makes a marriage that turns D/s successful. So the inspiration is floating around because i have already been thinking about how we change and grow. Of course, i got to haul my lazy butt off to work, so that's a project for tomorrow...

Growing

Lately, i have been thinking about how we change and grow. Specifically M. We have learned ttwd together and wow has He ever evolved. It's like He took the concept of Dominance and dove in head first. Not a big stretch when it's been a part of one's personality forever i guess. Still, for as brutal as it can be, Dominance is a fine art; most of it mental. Throwing out things that didn't work, putting new tools in His box (and no, i don't mean the toy box), He just keeps on getting better at it. It makes me wonder sometimes, where we will be in five years, ten years, fifteen years...It's a bit like watching a lion break out of his cage--it's beautiful and dangerous, and self preservation tells you you should climb out of the ring but you want to see what he will do with his freedom. Then you realize that he was never really caged in the first place, he's just been biding his time waiting for you to open the door. And it's a glorious thrilling experience with no turning back because you are either all in or all out and there's no getting out now.
No doubt M will read this and take the opportunity to scold be about the dangers of chasing mountain lions (literally). But you know...i have always found them to be spectacular and enthralling creatures. How could a girl walk away from that?

A new year and the pitfalls of attraction

Well, after 10 years it finally happened--i got the flu. i suppose it was inevitable eventually lol. Still not cool though. And now M is layed out on the couch looking remarkably like i did yesterday. To top it off i have a piece of dried noodle stuck under my fingernail. Go ahead, laugh at my suffering all you want. It's really not that funny though just so you know. That's the last time i try to chip something off a dirty dish with my fingernail. Anyways, that's the extent of life's excitement this week. A truly thrilling start to the new year lol.

i have been thinking about attractiveness. Not physical attraction so much as what it is about someone's personality. Specifically M. And to my horror, i realized some of the things that are most attractive are the things i like least. Wtf?! Like the way He looks at a woman He finds beautiful. His eyebrows raise slightly and His eyes develop a particular glint. At that point He is likely to say something fairly innocuous and slightly flirtatious with no regard for my presence whatsoever which inevitably gets her simpering like an idiot (dear god, i'm that idiot on a daily basis). It drives me up the wall and yet, He will do as He wishes which Really drives me up the wall. But it's still a turn on. And the way He can be so cold cold and calculating at times. Those are the times when there's no reasoning, no compromise, just Him getting His way because He says so. Does it drive me mad? Yes. Do i find it terribly hot and attractive? Yes. And the way He can keep secrets and be all mysterious and shit. After almost 13 years, what the hell's left to be mysterious about?? But still, after all this time, mysterious and full of surprises. Makes me totally uncomfortable and insecure; like He could disintegrate my world in an instant. Is that attractive? ummm, well, yea. Or how He can tell random people what to do out of the blue and they just do it; what on earth is wrong with them? And once again, i'm one of those people lol. Though not so random thank heavens.

We have been together since i was 15. He said something the other night which i found slightly disturbing. We were lying there in bed and out of nowhere He says "I've owned you since you were a little girl. I've been training you for a long time you know." Ummm, "that's fucked up!" i sputtered indignantly. He smiled with that particularly sadistic and smug look "I know." Pulled me to His shoulder and commenced snoring within a matter of minutes. How does He do that? i lie awake over thinking the world and He floats into dreamland without a second thought.

Freedom from my mind

At the end of my stupid phases of being a mouthy, don't-Dominate-me shit, i always crave more Domination. i don't understand that at all lol. Maybe if i did, i could cut down on my back and forth. i need M to Dominate me. i need Him to own me. And He knows it. Last night (here comes the haze again, i can't remember exactly what we were doing at the time), He asked me in that strict yet sympathetic tone of voice, "why do you fight Me little one? You need me to own you." It wasn't a question but He made me answer anyways. And the answer was yes i do. With all my being.

You know, the other night He actually called me a beneficial parasite. A parasite! i can't remember the exact comparison He decided to use (i love our late night conversations and always want to put them on the blog, but my mind is so hazy when they happen that by the time i get here i can't seem to pull the words back out of my mind lol).

Curled up with my head on His shoulder, my ass still stinging from the whipping, my body humming from orgasm, and my mind floating in space, i am complete. The trials and tribulations of daily life fade away and He becomes the only thing in my universe. My world revolves around Him. And still to this day, so many years later, it scares the shit out of me. Because life is fragile. The human body is delicate. Some day, every heartbeat stops. And i want to hear His until the end of my time on earth. i never knew it was possible to love someone so much it hurts. But it is.

Stop...

Bring me up short

make me...

stop

take a moment

breathe a breath

climb inside my head

hear the words unsaid.

i know i'm fighting you

yet i don't know why.

i love you

i need you

to whip me until i cry

to erase all else from my mind

take another step into the abyss.

Is it blind faith that leads us along,

is it dreams that make us strong?

Don't bitch and snap at me

take a moment

make me

stop

bring this vicious little circle to a halt

help me go

down

down

 down...

to that place where nothing exists

except for you

and me

that place where you become a part of me

and i live only for you.

Sometimes i run and hide

from the things inside those doors you opened in my mind.

Last night i curled up to your back

and i cried because i realized that 

i truly do live for you and i never want to lose you.

Every adult experience i have had,

every dream i can conceive of,

every moment of my life

is what it is because i am your wife

You are my strength

my dreams

my peace.

Somewhere along the way

you became my reason for being.

Here's to a new year.

i love you Master.

All out of sorts

Submission is kind of like a drug. Once it's in your system, if you have to go without it, there is withdrawal. It becomes more like a need than a want. Even if you don't want it, you still need it or your system will crash (at least for a while).
i haven't wanted lately. Actually, quite the opposite. i've been feeling excessively snarky and out of sorts which is why i have not been writing as much on the blog. It started with a ridiculously long work week that led to a head cold. Then it was nicely rounded out by an attempted bout of morning sex from M (apparently, "just cum" is the most un-sexy statement one can make), finding out that a check was not coming in the mail like it should have, and the follow through into the new year is a 7 year old puking everywhere.

i crave submission. i need it, i want it, it is part of who i am. Yet still, even now, sometimes i hate it, i don't want it, i think it is not part of who i am. The ironic thing is, i do need Dominance from Him regardless of how much i want it. With His Dominance comes a feeling of completeness and stability that nothing else gives me.
When i fight Him, M is not happy with me. As pissy as i have been feeling, i still crave His approval. i never used to crave approval like this. There is nothing quite as crushing as seeing a look of disappointment in His eyes. i can't believe that i still have these ups and downs. Not as much as i used to, but even now, almost six years later... i'm having a hard time crawling out of my head lately and M hasn't been well so things got a bit further out of hand than He usually allows them to go. i think it's mostly the time of year. My fathers birthday would have been January tenth, but he's dead now and nothing is the same as it used to be.
i did have a really wonderful experience the other day though. It was small, and i'm sure would seem insignificant to the rest of the world, but it was one of those unique and pure moments that just sneaks up out of the blue sometimes. i was at the compounding department in the pharmacy picking up my bosses pain meds. The receptionist has always been kind of a bitch to me but it was a snowstorm from hell outside, i was having one of "those" days, and i just didn't feel like waiting in the car. i was sitting there in the office and she said something about hoping this year to come was better than last year. i wholeheartedly agreed (i mean, i could have agreed with Sarah Pailin on that one, it wasn't a stretch). Then she said her father died in November. i told her my dad died in August. And bam, there it was. That sense of being connected to another human being just because death and love and family transcends all the bullshit we make for ourselves. We had something in common beyond the useless menial tasks of daily life. She came around the desk and gave me a hug. Then the pharmacist who's always pissy and hates me because my boss takes to many pain pills came in and irritated me in his usual manner lol.