Random...

I'm home for the first time all week. Now I have to get ready to go again lol. In theory, being a soccer mom sounds pretty easy, in practice...lol.
I'm a bit excited...because I found a job I want...It's closer to home, there's no pharmaceutical drugs involved, and it sounds like just what I have been looking for. I'm trying not to get to excited because I haven't even got to interview yet and competition for jobs is pretty steep around here...but it's well worth a try.

On a completely different front, I have developed the oddest craving lol. I've been having so many ridiculous problems with my tonsils and various lymph nodes in my neck, that it's been over a month since Alpha's grabbed me by the throat. Which is actually really considerate...The thing is...I miss it terribly. Kind of liking pregnancy cravings, just, um, "choke me please" cravings lol.

Anyways, I feel like a roaming nomad this week lol, so keeping in the current spirit of things, I've got to get my shit together to go...again.

Feeding masochism

I used to believe that I was a masochist. Now, I think that He has beaten it out of me lol.

I have noticed something interesting though, I can, to a certain extent, get off on pain. But, getting off on pain itself is not quite the same as getting off on Alpha enjoying my pain. At first, I think it was difficult for Him to reconcile causing me pain and liking it, with the love He has for me and His desire to see me free from suffering (though, interestingly enough, these days He only has a problem with my suffering if it is caused by someone or something else. That's sweet...I think...). And then? I liked it and I wanted more. Until He discovered He liked giving it and there was never any need to wish for more. Ahem.

I have observed several things about physical pain--add words to it and it becomes much more bearable, more like a high than anything else, and He only gets off on my enjoyment of it, which in turns increases the pleasure I get from pain. Of course, while He doesn't get off on punishing me, He does take an incredibly perverse enjoyment from putting me back in my place. Sadistic bastard.
Anyways, the concept I have floating around in my head is really about His sadism feeding my masochism and vice versa.

I can be right on the edge, where it's really to much, I'm not able to get off on it anymore and I just want an end. Then, something will indicate to me that He's getting off on my suffering (fucked up sounding shit maybe lol, but anyhow...), and it makes me fly. Something about His enjoyment of it changes everything. It makes pain malleable and fluid, something that is as much pleasure as suffering. It leads to a vulnerability and surrender that goes beyond physical sensation to a mental level that is somewhat difficult to describe.

While control figures much more into our dynamic than sadomasochism does, it's still a fairly integral part of our play. To the extent that it's always there in some aspect or another.

When I think I'm done, He feeds my masochism with His enjoyment of my pain. My masochism feeds His sadistic tendencies and it becomes one of those rare full circle events.
Which is nice because it's not the same experience if He's not truly enjoying it, and apparently, the pleasure/pain continuum leads to some very attractive reactions and sounds on my part lol.

The last freakin straw...again....and...again...and again

 I'll be staying with my mom for the rest of the week because my car took a shit again. I have a post set to auto post tomorrow. Maybe it will work lol. There's a dark cloud for every silver lining. And since I'm concentrating on the cloud right now, I think it would be a good time for a little peek at the silver lining--I'll get to do another review. It might be of a benign nice little thing since I had to pick a couple of options. But what did I swear up and down was my all out favorite option? A cute little item that is far from benign and has me thinking that I'm a bit of an idiot because, after all, I am a masochistic wuss. Lol.
Now for that dark cloud...

I tend to be rather proud of the fact that I don't give up. Sure, I bitch and worry, I do my share of complaining, and yes, sometimes I whine; though I find it an unattractive trait so I try to avoid it lol. But I don't give up. I buckle down and do what needs to be done.

I really want rather badly to give up. Say that I just "can't" anymore and fade on out. Because sometimes it's all too much. My little pile of straw has become a mountain and the last straw keeps falling...over...and....over again.

Last night we had sex for what seems like the first time in ages. I promptly dissolved into a teary eyed puddle of mush afterward. When Alpha asked me what was wrong, I told Him I just couldn't do it anymore. He asked what I couldn't do anymore and what exactly I thought the alternative was to hanging in there and informed me that giving up just wasn't an option. My answer was life. It's just a bit too fucking much ya' know? And the alternative, well, fuck me--I guess there isn't one. I ain't jumping off a bridge or some shit lol. That's for the weak and pathetic. And while I may occasionally feel that way, I refuse to be it. Because that's not who I am.
While we were talking, He raised an eyebrow at me and said that it's a bit of a blow to the ego--to fuck someone and have the result be tears. I think He was trying for a touch of levity. Because He knows me, and He knows that a bit of humor and a verbal challenge regarding my abilities is generally enough to make me scrape my shit back together and truck on. But this time? I just wanted to give up. Even if for only an hour.

Part of me knows it's not fair. Because the sky keeps falling on His head too. And He's stood by my side and watched the last straw drop over and over again. The other part of me? Wants to simply say, I can't do this anymore and give up. And I wonder, when exactly did giving up become something that wasn't an option?

Because it sure sounds damn good some days lol.

Sympathy is not needed. Cynical, humorous, and somewhat smarmy comments are welcome.

Lol.

Eden Fantasys review: G-spot tickler

So we got a review offer from Eden Fantasys a while back. I was delighted and then the shit promptly hit the fan. So I have had the product for a while even though I intended to do the review right away. Anyways, here it is.

Alpha seems to think that the easy way is overrated so instead of picking some implement that causes physical pain, He chose a nice painless little product that was going to be much harder for me to write about than an implement of destruction would have been lol. For anyone who is not already familiar with them, Eden Fantasys sells a nice variety of adult toys from the kinky to good ol' vibrators.

As you have no doubt guessed, the product chosen was the G-spot tickler.

G-spot tickler - G-spot vibrator

        

It was a bit of a risky choice because my body likes to react in a somewhat nasty way to synthetic products ranging from lube to condoms; however, I didn't have a problem with this one. It's a jelly toy, so it's soft and a lot smaller than it looks (hmmm, perhaps I shouldn't complain that He picked a pain-free product?). My all out favorite thing about it is the way it rubs on your clit. Since I can't cum without clitoral stimulation, I thought it was a rather brilliant design. 
Alpha liked that it can be controlled by remote, so He could adjust the speed (being able to adjust the speed is great) without actually having to change His position or reach around to grab the vibrator itself. He said that the cord was a bit cumbersome, but personally, I didn't notice it at all lol.
I felt that it was perhaps a bit small (a whopping 3" actually goes inside you), but that gives it a really nice perk: it's absolutely freaking awesome to use during anal sex. You get the vibration, clitoral stimulation that makes you hand seem like a cave-man method, and it's not so big that it makes you feel like you're being split in two by having both holes filled at once.

Another thing that I really liked about this product is that it's easy to clean--you can pull the vibrating egg right out of the rubber and completely submerge the jelly part in soapy water. Since it's not silicone, it can't be boiled, but that also means that if you are allergic or otherwise reactive to silicone products, it's not going to burn like a bitch and create other unpleasant sensations. And I'm not sharing my toys anyways lol, so soapy water is just fine.

My one concern before receiving the vibrator in the mail, was that no one wants to pick up a package with "sex toys" plastered all over it (especially in a tiny town where your post mistress knows every box-holder by name lol). The packaging was wonderfully innocuous. It might as well have been a scarf from someone's grandma as far as you could tell from looking at it.

Over all, this vibrator is a nice little addition to the toy box And like I said, I thought it was pretty phenomenal as an addition to anal sex so I'm quite happy with it.

Repression

If ttwd has taught me anything, it's that repression rarely has a good outcome. Not in the sense of being controlled by another--that's not repression when you have a healthy relationship, that's D/s lol.
Just repression of who you are and things you do. Circumstances have largely dictated our actions lately, and it's been rather a downer for us both. Alpha spends most of His time with the kids, I spend most of my time at work, we meet somewhere in the middle, and we never seem to go anywhere or do anything. Babysitting is an issue since I can't justify having a night or day to do whatever we want by leaving the kids with my sil--due to the volatile and unhealthy state of her current relationship.
I can't honestly remember the last time I dressed up (or under as the case may be, ahem) and went somewhere with just Alpha. I have a pretty nice figure, and honestly, I miss occasionally showcasing it lol. For work I cover up as much skin as possible and I come home tired, irritable, completely non-sexual, and covered with filth from someone else's house.

I miss...feeling sexy. And I think that impacts my sex drive, how I view submission, and my overall outlook about myself and life in general.

I want a pack of good razors that doesn't leave me covered in bumps. I want a day and night out with just Alpha. I want to, just for that time, be irresponsible and enjoy being myself. Alpha needs it too. I can see it in His overall outlook about life--He's usually upbeat and optimistic but these days He's trying to steal the cynical and slightly depressed corner which I have been able to successfully own for our entire relationship (hey, I did say that I liked being good at what I do lol).

Mmmm, this post is sounding a bit whiny, which was not the intent. And since I'm not a big fan of whining (bitching is at least somewhat respectable lol), I'll change my tangent a bit.

Back to repression.

Repression leads to unhealthy explosions. It's like a fire that has caught but been damped down--as soon as you open the damper, the whole thing goes up in flames. Whether it be sexual desires, things we want to do in life (short of the whole leg breaking bit, but repressing that Does tend to make one a bit angsty), things we wished we had said, roads not taken, etc.
Just because you lock something down, does not mean that it goes away. It's kind of like an infection (yes, this is going to be a super pleasant analogy lol), it doesn't just go away on it's own. It festers and eventually has to come to the surface or it poisons you from the inside out (I'm pretty sure I'm not whining anymore. Dark musings maybe?).

We are undoubtedly the responsible ones in our family. And you know what? I am so tired of being responsible that it's beyond ridiculous. Alpha is too. And it leads to little shit that fucks up big shit.

Speaking of repression, Alpha's birthday is coming up in the next few months, and I never did find a girl. I don't want Him repressing His desires any more than I wish to repress mine. So maybe this year, He'll find Himself one...And one way or another, I'll probably have enough blog fodder to last me for a month lol.

The long and short of it is: repression is unhealthy and something has got to give sometime.

Love is not always kind

I owe Eden Fantasys a review, but given my body's recent ridiculous aptitude for issues, that post will have to wait. So my readers will be subjected to more of my random ramblings.

I watched "The Secretary" last night, and while I was not terribly impressed with the movie itself, there was a line in it that got me to thinking (I know, it's a horribly dangerous pastime that I just haven't been able to give up). Ok, ahem, I'll have to paraphrase because, while the sentence did strike me, it was late at night and I had other things on my mind like the recent demise of the pricey and newly replaced parts on my car.
Anyways, this particular line was something to the effect of "who says that love has to be kind and gentle?"

It's a good question. Because one of the incredible things about love, is that it it takes many forms and can encompass so many other emotions. Sure, love can, and at times should be, kind and gentle. But overall, as an experience? No. Love does not always have to be soft. In fact, to confine it into such a simplistic and single-minded state, removes many of the possibilities love offers.

Love can be tender and gentle. It can also be savage and primal, without restrictions and thought. It offers a wider spectrum of experience than any other emotion--fulfillment, need, tenderness, pain, joy, sadness, companionship, loneliness, the list goes on.

In my experience, love can be a savage state of being. A place where reason often loses much of it's meaning and we are left with only the bare bones of human need and desire. Does love have to be either harsh or gentle all of the time? No, because it inherently contains both ends of the spectrum.For me, I find a mixture of both to be a fulfilling and wonderful state of being.

I do like my love a bit brutal. Not necessarily on the physical level (though hey, I'm not often complaining there), but in the sense of it being raw and unfiltered. It's not always pretty, but it has it's own kind of truth which is, in and of itself, a spectacular experience. There is purity to the pain that comes with love, both physical and mental/emotional. It takes some type of effort for love to be soft and kind (effort that is necessary and important at times), but love in it's raw and primal form is requires no filtering or effort--it just...is.

It's true you know--while there is a time and place for everything, love does not always have to be kind and gentle.

Here and now

I have a hard time just living in the moment. You know, not dwelling on yesterday or planning for tomorrow...just being in Now. One of the things I love about BDSM and Dominance and submission in general, is that it helps me get into that place where there is no past, no future, just the moment.

I got the call at work about halfway through my day. It was my sil crying and blathering on unintelligibly. Having only five minutes on my phone, with my first thought being "she's in the hospital or something has happened to the baby," I was rather insistent on being told what was wrong without a great amount of preamble. Turns out, it had nothing to do with her or the little one...
We haven't had any kind of death for over a week (a whole week, I know). One of Alpha's childhood friends had died. I went back to work--I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm practical and becoming a bit too familiar with death. Life among the living can be a bitch but kids still need to eat.
I did go home a bit early. And Alpha was down and a bit lonely because well, we have lost a lot of people over the last year. It's no small part of what gives life value though--The inevitability of death.

Here it is common to celebrate the day of the dead with colorful altars, pictures of loved ones who have passed on, and places set with food for them. On my way home, I was thinking--their food will have to go on a separate table this year, they are going to crowd out the living.

There's a lesson here (always is. Usually one that will build character in some way, so it's sure to be unpleasant lol). The lesson for those of us who remain? Live in the moment. Spend to much time dwelling on the sorrows of yesterday and the plans for tomorrow, and one day we will realize that we spent our whole lives without really living.

We learn from the past. It is good to plan for the future. But life? Life is here and now. In this moment. And that is all we are promised.

And that is one of the things I love about D/s--In those random moments when Alpha stops me short, grabs me by the hair, and forces me to my knees, there is only Him and me. There is only that moment. Nothing else. Because regardless of how many places are set for the dead, we are here now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, right now.

There's a vast difference between domineering asshole and Dominant man

I have touched on this subject before, but this post is for me myself and I--to try and figure out a way to express this idea to the deaf ears of someone who doesn't want to see the light as I know it. A way I can express the thought's in a D/s context related to the way I live and later strip most of that away for another's ears.

So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes,  I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.

sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.

The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:

Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.

Dominant:
A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.

The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.

Hand Jobs

Considering the fact that everything from my throat to my twat seems to be breaking down, I should have been happy about the requested hand job--it's not hard on the back, there is no requirement for anything to fit in the mouth, and downstairs (there's no time like the present to develop a false sense of modesty) is left nicely alone to fight it's own little infection undisturbed.
The thing is, I'm ummm, absolutely no good whatsoever at them. I think I have made Him cum maybe twice with my hand over the course of, well, ahem, eek--12 years. You would think this would irritate Him far more than it does me. But I'm not sure that's the case. Being able to take the morning hard-on and completely kill it while attempting to do the opposite--it's a real blow to one's ego. I mean, men all over the world do it to themselves every day. It has to be the easiest way there is of getting off right?? It says something very bad when He would rather take care of Himself lol.
He should probably be the one complaining, but He's got no inadequacy complex so I'll fill in the blanks. I have a mild obsession with being good at anything I do (okay, so "mild" is an understatement, leave me my illusions). And I am most definitely not any good at giving hand jobs. In fact, it seems to be the easiest way in the world to get rid of that morning hard-on. "Sure, I'll help you out, I can fix that for you--no need to cum."

Damn the obsessiveness of being a straight A student, cooking the best food, being the best at my job, giving the best blow job, and just generally needing to be the best or not be at all. Because obviously, I am not the best at everything (I know, a real shocker right). And I absolutely hate having to accept it lol.

Divide and conquer

I have been neglecting my poor little blog. Mostly because life has been crazy and as soon as I'm not sick anymore--I get sick again. I understand it used to be a regular practice to remove tonsils. For the record, I want to know why no one is volunteering to chop mine out (Alpha waving around the kitchen knife does Not count).
We have kind of been doing the "divide and conquer" so to speak, so we haven't spent much time together besides nursing sick kids, burying old family dogs, plotting a garden over the phone, and me generally limping around like I'm 80 (seriously, I think someone gave me the wrong back, designed for a Much older model).

I got a job offer yesterday, but I'm not sure I want to explore it. It is with one of the programs I would like to work for because it comes with much higher wages than the one I'm working for at the moment. Problem is, I'm not really looking to work my way Up the creep ladder and I wouldn't be surprised if the man didn't actually have a mother who needed care. You know, one of those people "I only killed two people last year, but I'm doing much better now, really!" At least that's how he struck me, so I'm not terribly inclined to go for it lol.

Like I said, it's been a process of divide and conquer around here. Which has worked quite well for taking care of the necessary family matters, but it's rough on the D/s front--it's much more enjoyable to unite and conquer. Though, at this point, I have the feeling that I will be the conquered when that comes around lol. We have spent a fair amount of time apart this month and I crave Alpha's company, His presence, those random possessive touches, the little moments of...us. Though, I am highly suspicious that, should He grab me by the back of the head and pull like He normally does, my back would pop and that would be that for my walking days (I got a faulty back and hip set. Where do I address my general complaint and request for proper replacement parts??) I'm only 28 for fucks sake lol.

On the bright side, we did get an interesting offer for a review, so I guess I will have to write something semi-interesting soon lol.

Meh...

So I have been feeling exceptionally not submissive lately. Alpha calls it "upwardly mobile," well, that's the nice term lol. I really do wish I had a better grasp on my own mental state. Meh.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.

I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I'm...off. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting  a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.

The princess complex, trust, and blind faith

Life has been nuts and I have been missing those little addictive moments of random Dominance.
Last night as I was curled up to Alpha's shoulder, I was thinking about the feelings that don't depend on anything to exist. They are there without physical expression, without the need for words as a descriptive process. They just are. Mainly, safety and trust. The protection I have when in Alpha's presence is quite important to me. It is one of the greatest and most tangible things He gives me. It's addictive and familiar. It offers a rhyme and reason to this crazy world we inhabit. It makes those sadistic tendencies He has more attractive, it makes me feel like everything's alright no matter what. And oddly enough? It plays a huge part in all my fantasies.
Alpha calls it my "princess complex" lol--the need to be rescued by my knight in shining armor over, and over...and over again. Maybe it's because of those times when there was no one to rescue me and I needed it oh so badly? I don't know. I used to find His analogy rather insluting (yes yes, I decided to leave the typo), but after thinking about it for a little while (a year...or two...or three...), I figured out that it's true and there's really no point in denying the truth to someone who knows me inside out and values truth above so much else. Here is one of those places where safety and trust intertwine. After all, can you really have one feeling without the other--my trust in Him strengthens  the safety I feel in His presence.
So my little complex? It stands. And sometimes she needs to be fed a little. And He's okay with that.

Trust is not the same as blind faith. Blind faith is what leads humankind into religious wars, unquestioningly into agreement with actions and atrocities that strip us of our freedom to make choices and express ourselves. Blind faith is dangerous--it is what leads us to follow planetary leaders without questioning the value of their judgment, it has no need for real trust or respect, it is little more than an age old tool to control the masses. A construction of man often veiled by our need to believe in powers greater than ourselves. I have never been good at blind faith. Faith should be based on acquired knowledge, not blind belief.
Occasionally, Alpha will want me to do or believe something based on blind faith (is it still blind if prior experience tells you someone is trustworthy and generally in the right?). More often than not though, He asks for things based purely on my trust of Him. And that's okay--because of that trust, He has earned a little bit of blind faith. And it's based on our experiences--not blind belief. Because while love and faith may at times be blind, what we have is based deeply in the knowledge of who we are and the dynamic we have.

Sassy?

We were lying in bed. I said something I'm sure, though I don't remember exactly what. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was something sassy lol. You are mostly obedient and almost always sassy (or something quite close to that. The fuzzies you know...), He drawled from His vantage point above my head. From my happy little nesting spot on His shoulder I wasn't inclined to argue, though I did muster up another sassy statement (like how I can't actually remember them? It's an acquired skill).
The thing is, He wouldn't have it any other way. He expects me to do as I'm told, but finds constant mindless obedience boring. Of course, it's not always easy to peg which direction I can run in lol. But He doesn't seem to have an issue directing my course.

It has been a completely crazy week and I'm glad to be home...though some real sleep would be a nice icing on the cake to be sure. When do normal children start sleeping through the night, because I'm pretty sure mine is malfunctioning just like his brother did.

Not enough time in a week

Last week has gone on for at least a month, i would swear.
All I got is:
12 hour days are overrated, they hurt--but it's unfortunate I will only get to do it once a week.
The mental health care system here is total shit and anyone who thinks it isn't is full of shit (seriously, there's nothing worse than having a family member who is mentally ill and not being able to find anywhere for them to go)
I asked my boss for a letter of recommendation--of course, I'll get a shining letter of recommendation, all I have to do is write it (?!?)
My eight year old is currently my hero for cleaning the whole house and doing a massive pile of dishes while I was at work
My two year old is obsessively cranky
I'm almost not sick anymore
I'll be spending the night with my mom because she's worryingly sick
It's raining!
I had a mind-blowing orgasm last night
No I haven't gone completely over the edge
And now I gotta go to work.

One

So I had some things bumbling around in my brain, then I started thinking about being accepted for who you are. I'm going to tie the two concepts together and hope they make some kind of sense. I am probably repeating myself, and maybe it won't come out all wrapped up in a pretty little bow, but that's okay because Alpha's crushing my various cute little boxes anyways lol.

One of the things I enjoy about reading blogs is the vast range of perspectives on ttwd. I come at it from the angle of a married submissive in a (so far) monogamous relationship. Because that is what I know and it has become who I am. So that is the point of view that I write from.

Alpha is insistent that I submit to Him. He also demands that I pretty much dominate anyone else I cross paths with which didn't used to be a stretch at all for me. But I have found that it is kind of difficult to switch rolls--so half my days off are spent resetting my frame of mind back to being submissive. By the time I'm completely back in my place, it's time for me to go back out and be a dominant force in the day to day grind.
But could I ever submit to someone else were I given the opportunity to do so? I doubt it. While the only men I seem to find attractive are Dominant, it is only from the safety of my submission to Alpha that I can accept that attraction as part of my nature.
For us, some limits took no discussion. There are simply lines that we both know we will never cross because that's just who we are. As far as those hard limits go, the list is short and mulling them over was never really necessary. There is one though that He's quite adamant about and doesn't really fall into the realm of obvious "no's"--that I will never be Dominated by another man. Quite notably, the clause is "another man," not "another person." Which I find somewhat objectionable. Because were I ever to be in the position of being Dominated by another woman, that would mean he was fucking her and, well, I may just have to rip out her eyes should she attempt to exert any form of control over me (hey, there's times it's hard enough not to reach for the implement in His hand and try to beat Him with it tyvm).
It is the concept of being Dominated by Alpha, and only Him that makes me comfortable saying "I am submissive." It gives me security to know that my submission is something belonging to Him alone and within the vast confines of such knowledge, that I can give all that I am (I am well aware that this is somewhat contradictory to my previous paragraph and I don't really care because I never claimed not to be completely contradictory lol).
Now here comes the bow (I was never that good at wrapping shit, so it may not be smooth and pretty lol). Knowing that He accepts me for everything that I am and will stand by me no matter what allows me to be as open with, and trusting of, Him as it is possible to be. I can be myself--whore, princess, obsessive, strong, weak, nice, mean, stupid, smart...And it's okay because He wants me unfiltered and honest. Above all, He wants me to be myself. That doesn't mean there's nothing He finds objectionable and strives to change, or that He doesn't expect me to muzzle my excessively sharp tongue objectionable statements, it does mean that He loves me for who I am--not who I may want to be perceived as being.

And that is why submitting to one works for me. Though, Him only Dominating one was never part of the bargain...but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. I'll try not to throw molotove cocktails at it if I see it looming on the horizon lol.

inadvertant self destruction

I am feeling a bit less psychotic angsty today, and while I feel like I'm suffering from a terrible case of the plague or something equally awful ( am so Not melodramatic), I think I have a something to say that does not revolve around the imminent destruction of others lol.

Last night Alpha stumbled home and asked for a back rub. Since I was fairly sure my head was going to explode, I said no graciously objected...Of course, I got "the look" which is just not fair because it always gets Him what he wants. Of course, I tried to avoid seeing the look (we used to have a dog who was sure if she didn't actually look at you when you were calling her,  she didn't need to come. I had something along those lines in mind). But even if you can't see it, that particular look still drills a hole into the back of your skull so the "I didn't see it, therefore it doesn't count" theory is completely useless.
I then immediately proceeded to slam my head into the partition wall by our couch (things like that take a special set of skills you know). He found it amusing and quite just, offering me solicitations in the form of a self satisfied smirk. I grumbled and complied with the back rub before any more inadvertent acts of self destruction came along to damage my poor little head.

Repressing rabidity--rant

I had a nice little post put together this morning that would have probably been sufficient to convince most of my readers that I am capable of (if not deserving), and mean enough, to have my very own mafia. Lol, yes, it was nastier than this. It really is possible.
The truth is, my fantasies of late have not been those deep dark dirty sexual things that you don't want to admit to anyone, they have been more in the vein of "you screwed me over and my life is disintegrating so I am going to break your legs and feel better afterword."

Anger is better than sorrow. It's easier than sadness, more pure than fear, more tangible and malleable than than misery. I have a mean bark, but I don't usually bite. And I'm thinking, I don't want to bark anymore. I would much rather just bite. Anger is an easy emotion. One that I have spent a fair amount of time indulging. But it's not really constructive (see, if I keep telling myself that, perhaps I will be less attached to my base emotions lol).

And the thing is, without Alpha and the boys, with a little more damage to myself, I could have been a psychotic little bitch, the one who takes a baseball bat to someone's car in heartbeat, the one who points out that there's still one knee left and wouldn't it be nice to keep it. The one who gets used and abused until there's nothing left besides the anger that makes it possible to be that person.
Why? Because, well, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure that they will get their legs broken as a result.

I like to think that what goes around comes around. My sister gave me food last month when we desperately needed it. Next week, I'll give the attendant who works under me a bag of groceries from my cupboards because he hasn't been able to buy food in weeks. So in a small sense, I'm giving back what I have been given right? You know, take a good deed and keep it going kind of crap.
But what about the other deeds? The ones that happen in a world where no matter how hard you work or how much you try, you can't keep your head above the water and you watch all the people who sunk your little boat swim to shore?

Before my dad died he told me that I inspired him. To go out in the world because I would inspire people by being who I am. That he appreciated how I was the kind of person who just did what needed to be done. No anger. No fear. No emotion. But it's hard to get there you know. Perhaps easier in the midst of crisis, but overall? It's not an easy thing to leave those base emotions behind.

Because, after all, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure they will get their legs broken as a result.

I guess I can give up on getting that submissive award this month lol.

Cravings

It's been a long couple of weeks. First there was the whole week of medical tests and Dr's for Alpha. Then the kids got sick and not just mildly sick. I'm talking the raging cold from hell prompting us to take the big boy in for antibiotics and codeine cough syrup.
Now, the kids are still sick and the nasty little bug has broadened it's attack to include Alpha and I. So I'm contemplating a few days of abject misery on the couch (well, no wollering in self pity for me today--I have to go to work. But tomorrow...), followed by the start of my new schedule with another job. No, I didn't find a replacement for the one I have, I found a temporary one to supplement it which means I'll be working 12 hour days. At the moment, a 12 hour day sounds like competing in a triathlon (I don't run, or swim, or whatever the hell else they do in those. Whatever it is, I'm 99 percent sure I do Not do it lol).

Anyways, I was going to make a point lol, I just got a bit distracted with my morning dose of self-pity. D/s, while always there under the surface, has been greatly muted over the last couple of weeks. And I realized something horrific last night--I don't crave sex (not exactly a news flash), but I do crave Domination. Or is it submission, or both? Because after all, the two go hand in hand lol (see, I don't even make sense to myself when I'm sick). The thing is, when I'm tired, and the kids are sick, and I don't get home until after nine PM, I don't Want to be Dominated. Not in the least little bit. But during the day when I'm out and about, at night as I drift off to sleep, in the morning after my mad dash for coffee, I crave Alpha's Domination. Not sex, not pain, not bindings or play, just the peaceful feeling that comes with simple little moments of Domination and submission.

Now how in the hell did that happen?