It's been rather clear over the years, that I'm not so good at being a wanton whore. Well, actually I am good at it...But I'm not good at unlocking her. I have kept her shackled for such a very long time. Because she's trouble. Pure, liquid, undeniably volatile...Trouble.
I guess I have always been afraid that I couldn't control her. And maybe I can't...But He can. And it's not that He just wants me to be a wanton whore--He wants me to be His wonton whore. He wants me to tell Him my desires, to admit that I like sucking dick, to accept that I have fantasies so dark I am terrified to admit them to myself, He wants me to let her out of the cage.
He wants me to need it so bad I beg for it.
Even though He's never judged me...Even after all these years...I'm afraid of what He will think of that wanton whore. And for some reason, I almost always hold back.
Yesterday I was needy. I needed deep dark things to free me from my mind. I needed this. And He was more than happy to provide it...But I just couldn't let go so He held back for me. Even though I needed it? I couldn't have handled it because I was to stuck in my head.
He hurt me. And He made me feel good. But I couldn't let go, couldn't let it sweep me away. Maybe I'm afraid of what will happen if I let that wanton whore all the way out of her cage. Maybe I'm afraid she'll run rampant on my life.
Which is strange...Because maybe I can't control her...But He can.
ohhhh i so know exactly what you mean! She is right there, just inside the edge, occasionally poking her head out to look around, or dipping her toe in the water to feel the temp, but never really diving in! i so wish i had the answer for you.... other than the one i always repeat to myself.... patience! I hate patience, and it hates me! But really, it is where i hang my hat...
ReplyDeleteGood luck my friend....
Posts like this are precisely the reason I nominated you for the sex blogger awards. :)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if I ever don't respond to comments, it's because I don't get notified of them, and I literally don't have the time to keep checking back on posts to see if anyone's responded. So if you ever do want a response, feel free to just e-mail me (my name @gmail.com) or poke me on Twitter. :)
Histoy, I have to admit, I love that I'm not the only one who feels that way lol. And patience...Is not my friend. We have kind of a love hate relationship lol.
ReplyDeleteAcquiexence, Well like I said, I was very surprised to see my name up there lol. Thank you for the nomination.