Hmmm...

Ummm...For some reason I feel like I just have to post...Because it's my last chance this year and tomorrow just wouldn't be the same lol.

This year was hard...But so was last year lol.

And we're in a bit of a strange place right now. Not bad, just...Different perhaps. I have zero sex drive and have also been having some persistent problems with pain (why is pain inflicted by him such a different story?), so that hasn't helped much.
Alpha says I try too hard. Consistent theme lol.

Sil #1 is in some sort of trouble again (I have decided to call them thing1 and thing2 from now on). But what can I say? Not sure where we went wrong but can't live her life for her.

Alpha has improved his chess game considerably, which quite frankly, just sucks lol (poor loser. Ahem).

My father's birthday was in January. Is it strange to still celebrate someone's birthday when they're dead? We don't know any other way to deal with it I guess.

I have been feeling thoughtful yet...They are consistently unformed, refusing to take on a concrete shape that I can define and explain.

I have been desperately seeking approval. Perhaps because I feel my lack on interest in sex to be an acute, yet ironically somewhat chronic, failure on my part.
Once again, he tells me I try too hard. Sounds simple right?

We aren't going out this year, but I do have high hopes for a nice quiet evening once the kids are in bed. Oh yes, I'm a party animal lol.

All in all, this year was far better than last.

We shall see what the year ahead brings!

Is Randomness an Affliction? Cuz I Gots It...

I think it's fair to say that my mind has been a jumbled mess lately lol.

My car broke down. Again.

I am attempting to answer the age old question of, "is there such a thing as a medicaid dentist that does a good job?" I mean should it really be my job to point out every tooth that needs a filling, where that filling needs to be placed, and go back to try again because the dentist is older than God and forgot two fillings?
One of them once refused to treat my son because I wouldn't let them anesthetize him and cap all his teeth (the kid needed one cap and a couple of fillings for fucks sake).

Okay, I feel better now lol.

Underneath the jumbled mess that passes for my surface thoughts (think onions, you know, layers and layers, most likely leading to tears. Yep. That's me lol), I have been thinking about that feeling of craving. Just...Craving Alpha's presence.

We don't often spend nights apart these days, but I ended up having to stay in town because of the car (which incidentally made no sound or scary shaking when he arrived to drive it. Wtf is up with that?).
As I was trying to pass out on my moms couch with her cat staring balefully at me, I realized that, if I have to sleep without Alpha, I can't do it without thinking about him.

Being curled up to his back. The sound of his heartbeat. The touch of his skin.

And the cat's a prude who won't blink and keeps staring.

I think a few darker thoughts...But those won't help me sleep.

That cat's out for blood. I just know it...When I pass out she's gonna rip my throat out and present it to my mother as a sacrificial gift (sounds dramatic right. That cat's a psycho bitch, what can I say).

Think about the feeling of Alpha's hands sliding down my skin, his voice whispering desires and dreams in my ear.
The feeling of his eyes sliding across my skin, his hands in my hair, his thoughts caressing my mind...

Whatdya know, the cat didn't kill me in my sleep after all.

Love and Correction

I felt like crap. I had been apologetically pissy all day. I knew it, he knew it, and I was trying really hard to be nice.
He tucked me under a blanket on the couch, made me a lovely cup of tea, kissed my forehead, and informed me that, regarding our spat last week, he hates it when I get pissy over him giving other things attention.
That he could be wrong, but it feels like my attitude is topping from the bottom--I have a little temper tantrum to get my way like the kid (ouch). He informed me that it won't get me what I want, and he won't put up with it.

Love is awesome.

I don't think that I have ever felt so freakin bashful in my life.

Introspection is not always inspirational

Sometimes I feel like I have inspiration pouring out of my ears. Like I have more than I know what to do with, and it all pours out in a jumbled mess. Other times?  Not so much lol.
Sometimes I feel like I have all these little tiny whispers of inspiration floating around in my head. Just enough to make it noisy, but not quite enough to form coherent thoughts and get them out. And they stay there taking up space.
So you get sleep deprived, sugared-up, over-caffeinated (like that ones new lol), ramblings by a sub who now drinks her coffee out of a cup with a crown on it that says, "off with their heads!" And no, I haven't let it go to my head. Yet.

I try not to sensor myself for my readers. For me, doing so is kind of anti the point of blogging in the first place. There is one exception though, and one kind of post in particular that I shy away from--worries about Alpha. Because he reads every word I write.

I have been pushing away lately, and after reading this post over at "Finding Sarah" I realized that a great deal of my distancing is coming from my own worries, and our imminent return to the specialists Alpha saw this spring.
Looking at it objectively, I wonder what on earth my problem is (feel free to leave me a nice long list if you have nothing better to do with your morning lol). I have to assert my independence, raise my hackles, and try to growl him away. All because I'm worried about him. How back-asswards is that?

Under the harsh light of introspection (it's totally overrated), I know that were our positions reversed, I would be devastated. So I try to rein it in. I bury my worries until I can no longer figure out what my problem is. Until one day I'm wandering along and the truth smacks me upside the head.

Because I'm a shit when I worry. But I don't mean to be. Does that count for anything?

Reconnection

I read this post over at Rogue's Awakening last night. And I loved it. I think she's talking about a level of connection that many of us strive for. You know, when someone isn't just under your skin--they're in your mind, and that connection is so strong that it reaches through any obstacle.
Anyways, I thought her post was lovely because it showed how close two people can become.

Though usually it's the bad dreams we share isn't it? But it's not so much about the dreams as being on that wavelength together--whether we know it or not.

It's kind of like coming home you know. After the arguments and the distance, after the dreams and awakening, when that moment of reconnection occurs...It's a lovely thing.


After Alpha read my post yesterday, he accused me of being melodramatic. Who, me? Melodramatic?! Never!!
But I was thinking about it, and my posts don't usually show angst with him. They are most often written in retrospect--after the conflict when the sun shines once again. On one hand I don't really like saying things about him here that are...Critical? On the other hand, neither one of us shits rainbows and rides unicorns (a sentence shamelessly stolen from one of the most hilarious comments ever).

My blog is about my dreams, those perfect moments that I can capture in time with it. But it's also the nightmares that come with life and about the reality of being human. It's about us and the imperfections that make us perfect for each other.

To appreciate the exquisite moments of reconnection, we must first experience the distance that leads to those lovely instances.

Complaints Without Humor and The Rebelling Submissive

 I usually try to infuse my whining with humor...But I haven't had enough coffee for that today, so feel free to bounce on off and visit someone over on the right.

Winter is...Weird.

When I was a kid we celebrated the Pagan holidays and birthdays. Well, we celebrated Christmas and stuff to,  just not with the same gusto.

It's the winter solstice today. The second (3rd? Fuck, I'm going senile way before my time), anniversary of my aunts death. My grandfather (who I never made nice with), passed away two weeks after she died. In a few weeks from now, it would have been my father's 59th birthday.

And so winter has become kind of strange. But so is spring. And Summer. And Fall. lol.

Life is...Life. I have two new clients. Not many hours at all, but if they refer others I can keep my little project growing nicely.

My house looks like a tornado hit it. It's like this cardinal freakin rule--I clean for others and my house looks like cavemen had a party in it.

Our shower refuses to drain. Yea, not what you wanna see when you come home covered in other people's grime.

And of course, my chief complaint piled in the stack (I like to hide my real issues sometimes, what can I say), is that Alpha has been playing chess on the computer. Constantly. If he's not splitting wood, he's playing chess. It's not the kind of thing where you actually interact with the people around you if you are doing it. It takes complete attention. Yes, my keyword for the day is attention lol. I don't think he's come to bed with me once this week. I'm loosing my love for the game.
I try to repress my attention whore tendencies. Really I do. Care to hazard a guess at my level of success? Yea, I generously grade my self with an F. But the thing is, once I reach fail in this particular arena? I don't really care that I'm failing at it.

I feel like sometimes he gets irritated at my lack of submissiveness (yea, rituals are fine, but they're my Only inspiration these days). And I know that my submission shouldn't always be predetermined by his dominance. But it does help. I want to be the kind of sub that can go without any semblance of attention and still be happy to cater to his wants and submit at the drop of a hat...But I am not.

I guess the thing is...Feeling constantly ignored over a period of time with random moments where he wants me to submit...And I just damnwell don't want to. Super mature huh?

I need to clean my house. Then I'll call my dad's family.
My grandmother will cry because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death and I am simply a reminder of my father; my living aunt will bemoan my failure at sending pictures of the kids and ask when I'll be traveling across the country to see them; and my uncle will refuse to answer his phone because he's weak, and every interaction with me is a reminder that his brother is dead.

Then when I'm done I'll bucket out the damn tub and wash off the filth of other people's houses.
Aren't the holidays just grand?

On the bright side, since Alpha has been staying up all night, I haven't had to get up with the little one!

Rituals

So here's the thing about rituals--they are unique to your beliefs.

Church every Sunday is a ritual for some. For my dad it was talking to his garden with a cup of coffee in his hand every morning.
My most regular one happens to be not talking to anyone before the first cup of coffee. Snazzy huh.

A ritual is something we do regularly that holds some type of meaning for us. They can be spiritual, compulsive, simple, or intricate. They fulfill a purpose for us, even if it holds no value for anyone else. And they are most often about our minds--head space is everything. Prayer is thought, meditation stills the mind, morning coffee keeps me from insanity with migraines, etc.

I had brought up the idea of submissive rituals about a week ago (sans whips and broken glass. Obviously if my morning ritual is coffee, kneeling naked in the snow on the doorstep every day is not going to work out), and Alpha didn't seem to pay much thought to it at all.

He had expressed so little interest that I didn't think he was going to come up with one for me. And consequences for forgetting?!
Well then...Me and my bright ideas lol.

So I now have three rituals--do not speak to me before coffee, taking a minute several times a day to breathe and focus on submission, and the kicker which is really simple and probably wouldn't have nearly the same affect on someone else.

At least I can't accuse my husband of lacking imagination...

Placing his finger under my chin, he gently tilted my face up. Smiling down at me he said, "once a day you will walk up to me, grab my cock and say 'I submit to you because ______'."
I'm the only person in this relationship with issues surrounding crudeness lol.

He put thought into it dammit! For me, this hits so many different angles, it's not even funny.
It makes me do something I don't normally do so pft to comfort zone. It makes me think and focus...And it makes me use words!*&^%%$

Funny how the least complex of actions can be capable of having the most impact.

Submissive Rituals and Other Ramblings

Submissive rituals...I think I needs some.
Not the "at the door naked kneeling on broken glass" kind--just something simple and innocuous to help me keep that head space.
I'm gonna have to put some serious thought into it.
Because sometimes I think my life is designed to keep me out of that head space (yes, it's a universal conspiracy and has nothing to do with my own flaws).

But when I'm in that place is when I am happiest. At my best. Our best.

And it's hard to switch back and forth. To stay there always, wow that would be nice. But life? Life does all these crazy things. So I go back and forth.
But if I could just make a little place in my mind...And just peek in throughout the day...To keep me in my place no matter where I am or what I am doing...I think that would work quite nicely.

On another note, it looks like I have a client. It's not much at all, but she has friends...And if I can get four or five regular clients--well that would just be very cool.

I can hear my pt tisking at me already...But the unfortunate thing about kids is they gotta eat. A LOT. lol.
So hopefully the headaches will back the hell off again (always looking for tricks to get rid of them. If you have any don't be greedy--sharing is caring), and there will be no random sneezing that makes my neck seize up...

Did I mention that it's snowing and I absolutely hate being cold?

He Loves My Pain and I Love Him

I know, my house has no children and this blog is probably the last place I should be right now. But I have had some issues with words. And Alpha told me to go write a post. Because he wants some comprehensible thoughts out of me.

I have said before how Alpha repressed his sadistic tendencies for years and ttwd has given him the opportunity to let it out. I have also said that control figures into our dynamic much more than pain. And it does.

Until last night I didn't realize just quite how much he still kept his sadism on a leash.
He loves me. And he loves my pain.
Mostly he loves to hear my pain. I can see it in his eyes when I scream.

He has never caused me so much pain before. And I just knew I was going break. At some point I had this distant thought about my nonexistent safe word--that if I had it, I would finally use it. Thinking is so weird at that point--it's like the thoughts come from outside my mind and can't make it to my mouth because they aren't really mine and I can't form words.

As I was having my non-thought, Alpha stopped. He gently held my face in his hands for a few moments and asked if I wanted him to stop.

And I did. Dear Gods above did I want it to stop.

But at the same time...I didn't.

So I said nothing. And he continued.

There was a part of me that was terrified. Yet through the fear I trusted him more absolutely than ever before. And it was a beautiful feeling. I know that might not make sense, but that's okay. Because I have no other words for this. These words actually fit perfect. For once. Yay, I can use my words! lol.

He continued until he was finished.
Then more until I was done. A puddle of screaming incomprehensible flying submissive goo.

He asked me if I enjoyed myself.
I couldn't form words. And I think he had a moment where he wondered if maybe he had pushed me a bit to far.
He asked if I was okay and told me he was sorry he pushed me that far.
But I didn't want him to be sorry and I couldn't form the words to tell him so.

The thing is, if he hadn't enjoyed it so much, it would have been absolutely awful.

But the look in his eyes changed everything.

I wasn't sorry. I was flying on pain and the look in his eyes.

We were walking on the edge of my line, reaching out into the darkness. And somewhere in there through my haze of pain, he found something beautiful and incomprehensible.
Something I have yet to find words for.

But I do know that, in this moment, I love and trust him like never before.
He loves me too.

And he loves my pain.

Being Cared For

I think my last pots came off as all about fixing things. And yea--totally awesome that he can fix things because I'm really good at breaking them lol.
We take care of each other in different ways.

But it's not just about being taken care of--it's also about being cared for.
And it's easy for me to get them confused--in a way I have always looked out for myself. On the other hand, I have never had to take care of myself...I try not to write things before coffee, so I claim no responsibility if this makes no sense at all lol.

I took care of and cared for Alpha when his shoulder was dislocated. He couldn't take care of me at all. Yet, he still cared for me.

And it's not just about fixing things with legos (though you have to admit, it's pretty damn cool to find something useful for those evil instruments of parental torture), it's about having someone who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be there to care for you when you need them. It's about getting past our preconceived notions of weakness and actually accepting that care.

Yes I love competency. And it takes many forms. But at the end of the day it's not so much about what he can do as what he will do--he will always be there to care for me when I need him. And I will do the same for him.

Hmmm, the picture thing worked so well, maybe I should stick with the simple approach and revert to picture communication lol.

My minds not in it--I'm not living in the moment, I'm living in the "a few hours from now" 24 whole hours without children in residence. I have no clue what we are going to do with ourselves.
Well, I have a bit of a clue...

A Man Who Takes Care of Things

I have come to the conclusion that hormones are trying to kill me and they want to take everyone I know down with me. I'm going to have to find a way to get the little bitches wrangled in before I get caught chewing on someone's leg with blood dripping out of my mouth. lol.

While I was busy chaining up my hormones, Alpha was fixing my moms car. With legos and a butter knife. As my mother was professing her love for him, I realized how she fell in love with my father--at some point he must have fixed something terribly important with a paper clip and a shoe string.

Anyways...One of the things I love most about Alpha is his ability to adapt and make things work in any given situation--to just do what needs to be done with whatever he has.

For years I worried that having a man who could take care of things was not in my best interests. That one day I would be alone and find myself unable to function.
At some point I realized how much of what I know is from him--he taught me how to make love, how to drive, the importance of using logic, how to write a check and shoot a gun. Most of the practical skills I have? He taught me.

And it absolutely scared the shit out of me.

Because my reality, what I know and love, who I have become and wherever I may go, is so intricately entwined in him.

Sometimes it's hard to see us a separate entities. And I think that is one of the things we have gained from ttwd--it reminds us of our separateness by defining our separate roles, while at the same time, allowing us to be unimaginably close. 

I have dealt with many incompetent people in my life (who hasn't), and I have to say--I love a man who can take care of things.

Oh, and did I mention that he fixed my car with a pen last week?

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I don't really do pictures on my blog. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words though...

Sometimes I act like this...

He dismisses me with something to the effect of  "cute rebellion baby."

And makes me this

 

Puddle of goo...

Sometimes we are like this

Sweet right?

But I feel like this

It's lonely on the other side of my walls.

Then he does this

kidnapped from self...

And it makes me feel like this

Just let go...

And we end up like this

The thing some of my dreamiest fantasies are made of.

These are not my pictures. So if their owners come across them here and want to ruin my post, they can just let me know and I will remove them. lol.

Letting go...

I have an exceptionally difficult time letting go. I have this...Distance issue. It's like being one step...just. Off. I have had it for years. Since somewhere around 14 maybe...And I feel that it shows a singular and disappointing lack of evolution on my part that I still have this issue. It gets better. Then it comes back. Then it fades for a while. Then it reappears. I'm getting a bit sick of me and my issues.

Chocolate, Chocolate, And Did I Mention Chocolate?

 So it's the 2011 Great Online Cookie Exchange extravaganza. Kindly organized by the lovely Jz. I don't do many cookies, so you'll have to get your new cookie recipes from one of the other participants.

This is basically a vegan recipe turned into a heart attack on a plate with enough dairy products to overdose on. My mom used to make what I call "the bottom half" of this pie when I was a kid. I have since put it through an incredibly unhealthy, yet delicious, evolutionary process.
This will make two pies if you use a pre-made crust as the shells are a bit smaller than the homemade ones.
I know that the majority of people will be incredibly turned off by the main ingredient in the first half of this recipe. Try it anyways. You can’t taste the secret ingredient. I promise.
Both parts should be made a day in advance. And don’t use cheap chocolate!

lil’s Deviant Decadence Double Layer Chocolate Mocha Cream Pie
Bottom half:
1 cooked Oreo pie crust. If you use the pre-made kind, you will need two.
3 cups firm silken tofu--the kind that does not require refrigeration. Here it’s “mori-nu” brand (the non-silken kind will NOT make for good texture).
1 cup melted butter
2 tsp. vanilla
¾ cup unsweetened Ghirardelli baking cocoa
1 ½ cups sugar
½ cup heavy cream as needed for blending (use less if you can)

Blend all ingredients until smooth. Pour into pie shell, cover completely with a circle of wax paper and refrigerate.

Top half:
1 cup heavy whipping cream
3 TBS. hot espresso or strong coffee sweetened to taste. You can also substitute in 1 TBS cream liqueur of your choice.
4 oz. Ghirardelli semi-sweet baking chocolate broken into small pieces
1 tsp. vanilla extract

In a small saucepan, combine coffee and chocolate. Heat on low stirring occasionally. Once chocolate is melted and mixture is completely smooth (but don’t over heat this. Bad things happen), remove from heat and stir in vanilla.
Beat heavy cream until stiff peaks form while occasionally stirring cooling chocolate mixture. When chocolate reaches room temperature, (if it’s still warm more bad things happen) fold it into the cream until it is a consistent color and texture. Refrigerate in an airtight container overnight. Spread over bottom half of pie and drown in whipped cream before serving.

Here is the list of the other participants:
Edit: omg there's some yummy stuff here. Well worth checking out!

Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira
morningstar

I see a lot of copy and paste in my future today...Yum!

Sorry

Is there anything better than a public apology? Well, I know blow jobs are the best apology. But public apology has to place somewhere right?

So,
my love,
I'm sorry for the way I have been lately.
I know I can make anything complicated. And this shouldn't be such a struggle. It isn't usually is it?
And I don't want to blame it on the headaches; I don't want to blame it on those horrible invading hormone monsters; I don't want to blame it on the mess that life can be; or my difficulty adjusting to every damn change of season.
I want to own my mistakes so I don't repeat them. Over and over and over again.

I know that I'm a lot of work. And I like to think that I am worth it. But some days I wonder you know?

The truth is--I love you more than words can tell.
I wish that I could be everything you want and need.
But I'm just lil old me. 

And I am truly sorry for the week we have had. Sorry for the "no," and the words I said or didn't say between then and now.

You don't know how much I desire to please you. And I am aware that is really my fault. Because I don't express it easily and I can be so reluctant.

We have walked a long road to here and now. But I wouldn't take back any step along the way--because that is how we got here. To today.

I love you.

And I am sorry.

Resentment, Remorse, and Submission

When I wrote yesterdays post I was feeling...Resentful. I think it's fascinating that the universe originated in imperfection. And since I have been thinking about that, I figured I could muse on my issues before staring them in the face. Since examining my issues is always so incredibly pleasant you know.

I had a terrible headache the night before. I have been really prone to them since the accident, and when one sets in it just kind of caves in my skull. Dramatic much?
And he decided to fuck me. I wanted to waffle and beg out. Okay, so I did try just a bit. But there was the little issue of my previous outright refusal...So I just couldn't dig in my heels. 'Cuz you know, it would have really made such a big difference in the end result if I had. Uh huh.

Usually when my head is exploding, he'll let me curl up and die wallow in self pity. But I had said no the night before. And yes, I had already been punished (cold ass plus belt equals bad). Maybe we both needed a reminder that it really wasn't up to me.

I felt an overwhelming mixture of resentment and submissiveness. And the two feelings just don't hold hands and play nicely.

Then the next day he stumbled in from the cold and audaciously asked me nicely to make him a sandwich. I know, completely unreasonable right?
I huffed and refused, eventually complying bitterly graciously. Maybe the headaches have damaged some important part of my brain?
Afterwards I felt...Remorse. Blegh.

This morning he reminded me about that long-ago conversation--where he asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted and I said yes (maybe my brains were addled before the accident). In my defense, he wasn't nearly as on top of it then as he is now lol.

But yes, I wanted this then. And I need it now.

If I always wanted the things he does to me, it wouldn't really be submission would it?

Occasionally I run across a blog written by somebody who blathers on continuously about how constantly wonderful submission is, how they are always begging to please, and that submitting is just the easiest and most natural thing in the world. There is never punishment, correction, or the need for discussion--because their submission was born perfect. Wrapped up in a pretty little bow and handed over on a silver platter.
And several thoughts fly through my mind--they are full of shit, lying, or haven't been doing it long enough to have a clue. 'Cuz submission may be natural for some of us, but it sure as hell aint easy.

He's never suggested dropping our D/s dynamic. And honestly, I would freak if he did. I love our dynamic. It helps us take our relationship to new and incredible heights that I never even dreamed we could reach. It is part of who and what we are--both separately and within the bounds of our relationship.

We have our ups and downs.
But at the end of the day, the only place I want to be is kneeling at his feet.

D/s is wonderful and exquisite and awing. It can be completely mind blowing.

But it is not easy.

Perfection...in Imperfection?

I think that many of us strive for perfection. And we are consistently disappointed.

The universe was created from imperfection...Really. The exquisite perfections of our world and far beyond were created by one. Little. Imperfection.

We are all flawed. None of us is perfect. And perhaps there is a real beauty in that. But we are so busy focusing on that ever elusive illusion of perfection that we cannot see it.

I believe that BDSM is the ultimate embracing of imperfection, yet many of us strive to achieve it within that context. I'm not perfect. I want to be. But I am not.

We are imperfect beings living in a universe created by imperfection.

Our flaws make us unique. And perhaps if we spent less time focusing on them, we could accept the perfection in imperfection.

Self Punishment?

Alpha strives for consistency. He knows there's this little monster hiding inside me that is just waiting for a hint of inconsistency to bare it's teeth and begin chewing on any available victim. I do try not to be that way, but there you have it.

I knew punishment was coming. I was fairly sure it was going to hurt like hell.

I got three swats on the ass and

an air of puzzled disappointment.

I guess that sometimes the worst punishment is no punishment at all.

Maybe it's still coming. He likes to figure out what's really going on with me first. And I haven't been able to shine any light on it for either of us. Though occasionally he will get to the answer through my punishment.

Anyways, that wasn't the end of it. Oh no--my body decided to inflict its own punishment.

He gave me several opportunities to cum. And I hovered on the edge.
Painfully close...
I couldn't do it. Until my last chance was over...And I started to slip over the edge...But it was too late.

So there you have it. Involuntary self punishment?

Having children, there is one word that I use a lot. It also happens to be the one word I am flat out not allowed to say to Alpha.

No.

Oh sure, I say it sometimes in that "putting my foot down so I can pick it right back up" kind of way. More of a joke than anything.

But "no" is never a response to "I want to fuck you." Not for a very long time anyways.

I'm never "on" in the middle of the night. And for the most part, he just lets me sleep. Something I am very grateful for.
I was exceptionally tired. He had been snarking at me for a while (pain plus pain-killers equals a horrid combination for snarkiness), and I had been up with the kids numerous times.

And I said no.

We had miniature clashes throughout the morning. Then came to the agreement that he's been snarky and I am excessively sensitive. Though he made sure I knew it wasn't going to slide. Really, I expect nothing less.
I had a moment of insanity perhaps?

I can't remember the last time I said no to him.

But I'm betting I'll remember this one.

Rose colored cynicism

We had a fight where I graciously yelled wtf!? suggested his temper needed to be reined in.

Alpha dislocated his shoulder again which sucks means he can't hit me with it! Low of me; I know.

My car is still broken down which means not being able to drive myself Anywhere I have a chauffeur!

My kid is still being a monster spirited(?) I'm tryin here.

I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday an opportunity to increase my pain tolerance?

The little one kept me up all night. I wanted to beat him didn't beat him!

Alpha and I haven't had a night out in over 6 months. I'm not a genius people, someone else is gonna have to come up with a good spin for this one.

...

Me: "I can't be this."
Him: "You are this. You're just too afraid of yourself to accept it. You try so hard that you get in your own way."
Well
ummm
hmmm...

Collar

I haven't worn my collar for some time now. Actually, I have two and my skin decided it was going to react to both of them, so it's been collarless for me.

Last night Alpha put me in the collar we only use for play--I have a different sense of style, so no one has ever questioned the leather collar an o ring, but this one only a teenager who had no clue could pull off wearing in public lol.
And the instant it closed around my neck, I realized how very much I miss my collar.

It's like a wedding ring--I am his with or without it. It does not define our relationship. It is merely a symbol of our arrangement. A special trinket that has meaning because of the importance we place on it.

But I miss it something terrible. And I asked him to put my collar on when he took the other one off. And I'll wear it until my skin rebels again. Because I love how it makes me feel.

Where is the Line?

I was recently inspired to dive into a thought process around healthy limit pushing and crossing the line into actual damage.

It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.

So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.

There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.

The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).

Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.

For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.

It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.

It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.

And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.

I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.

I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.

I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.

And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.

Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.

How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.

But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.

Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.

Growing Pains

Long ago I had this realization that I couldn't control my own sexuality. And since I couldn't control it, I repressed it. While my brain-to-mouth filter is terrible a bit lacking, my ability to repress things is actually rather good. I can push things so far down that even I can't seem to reach them.

I am used to being in control of desire. Well, in a one-way-street kind of manner--turning it off. Can't turn it on to save my life, but I am very good at turning desires off.

Growth can be painful. Some of the most defining experiences of my life were the most painful. But they made me grow. Unwillingly perhaps lol, but evolution nonetheless.

I'm having a little crisis of self. While I feel like I am growing and changing for the better, I also question myself--what does it mean, who will I be, how will it go? I feel like I have jumped in the deep end and never actually learned how to swim. That I am becoming someone I don't know how to be.

Alpha says that I think to much. That I am afraid of myself.
Really though, is there anything more terrifying and unavoidable as oneself? After all, there is a wanton needy whore locked up down there. And she is seriously lacking in self control.

Tell and some Transcendence

Interrupting regularly scheduled programming for show and tell. Well, tell anyways. I doubt I'll ever "show" lol.
I have a long held, deeply personal, and completely involuntary Thanksgiving tradition: I will accidentally mess myself up in any possible way that presents itself.
Some exhibits from past years include:
Almost chopping my finger off with an ax, multiple occasions of shutting my fingers in car doors, and various kitchen knife malfunctions.
My skills are spectacular!
This year, I am pleased to report that I have neared my previous (though still standing), record with the ax--twisted ankle on the way out the door. So umm, I guess my lesson here is be thankful I still have fingers and haven't broken anything besides my pride? Well, pride is overrated anyways.

Now back to the regularly scheduled rambling...

Sometimes I think my posts come out so raw that the negativity is what draws attention. Very rarely are my posts as much about the issues I'm having, as they are about what I gained or am trying to learn from a particular issue/experience. I guess what I'm getting at is that my hope is not to leave people with a description of my problems as much as to highlight growth through them and find my own way.
When I write about painful events, I don't want sympathy. I do it because it is part of my crazy little journey. It is a reflection of being human, something we all share, an inevitable occurrence on the path of life.
I believe that writing isn't so much about where we want to be and what we want people to see, as it is about the journey and sharing the truths that we discover along the way.

In reality, as crappy as my week was, I have had realizations that are...transcendent? And yes, I did look it up for good measure lol:

"1 a : exceeding usual limits : surpassing b : extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience c in Kantian philosophy : being beyond the limits of all possible experience and knowledge

2: being beyond comprehension" 


Looking back at past events and facing old ways of thinking, it made me take a mental step in the present.
And I'm not sure where it's going, though I am obsessively faithfully attempting to figure it out.

For a long time my physical limits had a huge hand in defining our sex life and our relationship as a whole. Over the years we learned that the majority of my physical issues were merely a manifestation of mental issues. And damned if those don't have the potential to be so much harder to heal.
ttwd changed everything. Mostly, I believe, because it starts in the mind. The less Alpha allows my perceptions and preconceived notions of my physical and mental limitations to define our interactions, the better my body and mind adapt.

Have I quit making sense yet? Because I haven't analyzed this to death yet you know; so I'm still on the fence as to whether or not it makes sense. I'm not finished dissecting it and examining all the various parts; though I am starting to think there might actually be such a thing as over analyzing.

The thing is, the deeper we go down the rabbit hole, the more terrified I become. Because I am so brilliant with walls, I mean, I gots major skills--you want a practically impenetrable wall that wraps around the world? I can build it in my mind. And various ones have been slowly toppling over time.
And I made a decision a long time ago--that I would not need, desire wouldn't fuel me, I would not be whateverthehellitis I appear to be turning into.
Yea, I just knew I could not allow myself to be a wanton whore.
At the same time, this is merely a manifestation of something that I have been both craving and repressing for a very long time. My brain-to-mouth filter is broken somewhat lacking, but repression is one of the more questionable skills that I have down to a science.

Giving thanks--dysfunctional style

I'm gonna skip the whole holiday bit today...After all, I'm more important to me right lol.

Anyone who has personal experience with self harm may want to skip out now and visit one of the lovely reads over on the right. Your call.

Disclaimer duly posted.

I had a very bad day yesterday and it actually had a quite a lovely ending. First off, I was predisposed to angst--holidays have been kind of rough over the last couple of years. I miss my father. And you might think that the day they spent bitching about a holiday originating in massacre would be the last time you would miss someone, but it's really not. Truthfully, I miss sitting there eating swearing up and down that we all know the story and begging him to stop before passing the cranberry sauce.

Secondly, angst got a hold of me in other ways and just turned into outright rage and misery about things/people completely unrelated to my underlying sadness (eight year old boy with major attitude problem, free to good home!)

That all being said, I used to be a cutter. It's not something I talk about, and rarely do I think about it either. I don't need anybody to tell me self harm is stupid (accidents however, are something klutzes like me are quite prone to. And they happen lol). But I do now have more of an understanding of what compelled me to do so than I ever have before.
In my early teens it was an attempt at scrubbing a layer of filth off my being that I just couldn't get rid of. It was never an extremely common experience for me, but in later years I did it for different reasons (well, perhaps a bit of both). It became about rage. The kind of rage where you just want to break things and smash another person's face into something. It was about not being able to release excess negative feeling. And cutting gave me that.

I haven't so much as looked at a razor in over five years and thought about doing anything besides cleaning windows with it.

Alpha wasn't home yesterday and I was having a Very bad day. I wanted to break things. Beat my kid, and maybe blow up the world just for shits and giggles. Since none of those options was feasible, my irrational and raging brain offered me another solution that seemed much more doable.

I thought about it. A lot. And self harm is against the rules. Oh so very clearly against the rules. It's not a "oh crap I forgot to ask if I could wear underwear" kind of offense either. And all I could see in my mind was Alpha's face--that look of utter disgust and disappointment that makes me feel like I am an inch tall and just crawled out of the sewer.

So when He got home, I confessed my weak moment. Hastily pointing out that I hadn't actually done anything, I saw the look of disappointment. Thankfully lacking in complete disgust, but disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.

One of the ways that ttwd serves us is that it allows me to let go of sadness and rage through pain. It gives Him a healthy outlet for His own anger (and before anyone climbs up on their mighty little high-horse, He has never punished or struck me in anger. Nor do I believe He ever will).

I confessed my mental crimes. Alpha sighed and informed me that I was going to be punished. On one hand I was kind of hurt about it, I mean I hadn't actually done it after all. On the other hand, I was thankful because I needed it for many reasons. Primarily because it would give me my fix. A way to let everything inside. Just. Go.

He whipped me with the riding crop. 20 strikes can be enjoyable or unbearable. These were most definitely Not the enjoyable kind. He told me that He was sorry He had to punish me but He didn't want me thinking those kinds of things. That He was sad because He thought we were beyond this, that my pain His His domain. Then He looked at me with sadness pouring out His eyes, and informed me that He was very disappointed.
Yea, I couldn't let myself cry from the pain, but that one sentence was the very last straw. And I cried. As He slowly kissed away the pain, He said this was behind us once again, that my pain is His domain and if I need it I have to ask Him to give it, that He loved me deeply and was going to use me.
He gave me a new orgasm record (not much for most of you lol, but incredible for me), and passed out on the couch beside me since I'm still sleeping on the floor.

I don't know that I have ever given such a genuine "thank you" for punishment in my whole life.

I am thankful for that punishment. And I am thankful that He knows what I need and is willing to give it to me.

My Physical Therapsit is a_______?

I go to her of my own free will
She proceeds to hurt me while I lay there and take it.
She talks me through it and makes me breath.
I thank her when she's done tormenting fixing me.
She hooks me up to some sort of medieval  torture electric shock device.
She tapes me up. Tape!
She puts ice on me. I absolutely hate cold of any kind!
She makes me do all kinds of things I don't want to do.
Then she gives me a long list of things I can't do.
She took away my pillow.
And to top it all off, she makes me sleep on the floor. The next day she asks me how I slept with a knowingly sympathetic smile and no intention of allowing me to return to my bed.






If you guessed







sadist.

You win.
However, all awards must be self-supplied lol.

Road to Redemption

I will be amazed if anyone makes it more than halfway through this ramble lol. I won't blame you for giving up. I promise.

And against my better advice you have decided to give it a go...

It's a long haul--the road to redemption. And I have been on it for a very long time.

This blog was my first foray back onto the internet after having done some very bad things and getting caught. We were falling apart and my secret antics weren't helping anything. Alpha had even given me permission to fuck around. With one condition--I had to tell Him.
Then I discovered I liked things I was afraid to admit to. And while I was at it, I managed to form a completely unrelated attachment to another man in a non D/s way.
Yea, lying is bad (in case anybody hadn't realized that. You know, my mistakes are your public service message lol). He read my IM's, the man I mentioned before called our house in the middle of the night, I had pretty much fucked up ten ways to the moon only skipping physical cheating on my way there.

In all fairness to me Alpha wasn't at His overall best either. He just dealt with and expressed our issues in different ways (hey, I sometimes find submission quite unfair, so if I want to be fair to myself on my blog, then pfbt).

This was about 5 years ago (I swear having children makes time blend together). And to this day I hate talking about it. I hate seeing the words on a page, I can't stand the feelings I get when I think about it.

Mostly? I hate seeing it on the page and knowing He will read it. And be reminded of what He already knows. And I will feel icky.

But this post isn't about my mistakes as much as it is about where we are now.

The start of this blog came with conditions.
I could roam blogland to my hearts content and comment wherever I wished. I could talk privately to subs as much as I wanted. He got access to everything. And there was to be no contact with other Dominants outside of blog comments--at all. And if I did, there better be a damn good and immediate explanation.

Some people will say I got off easy, and some will say these rules came from insecurity on Alpha's part. Quite frankly, I'll disagree with both stances. Because while our arrangement is not what I would call "fair," I do feel these conditions are just.

And in a way, I needed those rules to feel like I was on the path to redemption. When we first started ttwd, I thought He was just going to beat the crap out of me. Take the anger I knew He had been saving and let it go on my ass (because the man was far to calm. It was like when children are quiet--you just know bad things are coming).
Part of me wanted that very badly. But it didn't happen. Oh no, He eventually chose to go a much more painful route and continue on it for a very long time--He made me talk about it. At the most random and intimate moments, He would ask me questions about what I had been doing out here in the big wide world of the web.
And yea, I have a hard time even telling Him that I like something He's doing to me.
Fucking.
Brutal.

Over the course of the last five years, I have never requested to talk to another Dominant, I have never had any conversations or need to explain them. I never wanted to.

This is going to a far more innocent place than you think. Gimme some credit.

The other day I got an email response to a comment I left on a Dominant blog. Nothing really. A simple short response and the fact that He liked my blog.
And I wanted to respond to it. Because I have been reading there for a very long time. And I like that this person likes my blog.
And I don't really have much to say.

But I have to ask Alpha.

And the answer will tell me how far along I have come on my path to redemption.

It took me a little while to ask. Not because it would have really made a difference whether or not I could, but because saying no would mean that I hadn't earned back His trust.

Which, at this point? Would be pretty crushing to my little world.

I cannot hide anything from Him. Now this one is really weird, because it's hard to find words for the feeling I get when I even think about it...Icky maybe. A long time ago I learned that there is a feeling of filth you just can't wash off. It crawls under your skin, and consumes you from the inside out. This is going to make zero sense if you have never had an experience that made you feel this way; however, the feeling I am trying to describe is like a mild version of that in a very different way (told you to give up at the very beginning didn't I).

And I feel like my entire soul is bare to Him.

So for Him to doubt me would be...Absolutely shitty.

When you trust someone with more than your life, and they don't trust you in return...Well that's just fucked isn't it.

It's odd, this space I find myself in. How deeply He has gotten to me. How entwined I am in Him.

When I was done creating Mount Everest out of a single grain of sand (you can see why, no matter how short my little redemption trail could have been, it had to be long. Just 'cuz...)

I found out that I have made it a long way down this crazy road called redemption. And maybe His answer wasn't just about me, but my choice of who I wanted to talk to. Either way, it doesn't really matter.

Because we have finally gotten to that place where I am not just a whore. I am His whore. And that one little word makes all the difference in the world.

And if you made it all the way to this point (don't say I didn't warn you), you seriously deserve coffee. And probably chocolate too.
I have consumed massive amounts of both over the course of my road to redemption. 

It's Good to Have Goals

Alpha knows when I "check out." Lights on or off. When I think it's not obvious. Even to myself.

He was fucking me and He stopped. Running His fingers gently through my hair and caressing my face, He asked me "where you at little one?" And it took me a minute to respond, because sometimes I'm not even sure myself.

"I'm sorry that I'm not a multi-orgasmic whore constantly begging to fuck your brains out Master." Because that's what He had before me. And even though He chose me? I sometimes think about what she had that I do not. I don't think about the reasons He chose me instead--that He wanted someone capable of thinking for themselves, with a strong will to bend, with a mind that He finds beautiful. A woman who could stand at His side and weather the storms without falling apart.
Na, I don't think about those things because sometimes I am ruled by my insecurities. Sacrilege right? Because I'm supposed to be ruled by Alpha. But insecurities are a bit like hormones--they lay in wait to ambush you when least expected.

His response to my apology was typically simplistic as He began moving slowly, He said, "It's good to have goals."

And it made me smile. Because while I may struggle with self acceptance? He accepts me as I am. Everything. And the parts He doesn't like so much? He helps me change them. And even if it takes years to do so, He still takes me as I am along the way.

The truth is, I doubt anyone really becomes that which they compare themselves to. Because each individual is unique. It's good to be happy with who you are. And I am.

But it's good to have goals too.

VBA--Apparently I don't play well with others

There appears to be something going around called the versatile bloggers award.
The rules:
You acknowledge the person who nominated you, say seven things about yourself, list 15 blogs that you yourself nominate, and contact them to let them know.

Now when pepper over at Tales of a Spicy slave was kind enough to nominate me for a vba, I decided to go cuddle with it under the couch and keep it to myself. Then I was browsing over at Deviant Rabbit and she had offered me one too. More came my way from sweet girl,  My submissive journey,Conina over at Exploring surrender, cuddlykitten from Finding Myself, Mikki of We're Making up for lost time, hidden slave a hidden slave, Composing us  Composing Us, and Evan An Awakening Dominant
I don't think all this shiny stuff is fitting under the couch anymore...So many thanks to all of the above who like or have somehow gained something from my writing.I truly do appreciate making it onto your lists.

At this point it's kind of rude to hide under the couch with it right? So, I will play but am gonna cop out on picking 15 blogs to nominate. If I read you--I like what you write. I get something from it or you make me laugh. Sometimes both. So thanks to the many who have given me insight, made me spit coffee all over my keyboard, and touched me in some way.

I will however go for the 7 things about me (gotta play a bit even if I can't seem to throw the ball lol). So I'll go for things that may not be known already.

1. I'm panicking just a teensy bit about turning 29 in a few months. Oh hush, I know it's silly. But there's always gonna be a beautiful blond 19 year old to hate right? And I do sometimes feel like my accomplishments to date are maybe not what they should have been.

2. I could survive just fine on my own in the woods but please don't leave me alone in a city. Mountains are what I know. It's just how I was raised.

3. I was molested as a kid and raped when I was a teenager. Scarred and damaged but no longer broken and bleeding.

4. I do not have multiple orgasms--I think three is my record. It's a bit of a sore spot for me.

5. I have a whorish weakness for the smell of sawdust and chainsaw gas on my Husband. What can I say lol.

6. I still fit into clothes I got when I was 17. Need something to feel better about growing up right.

7. When I started this blog, I didn't really think anyone would read it.

Thank you--to the people who read me, the ones who comment and those who pass by silently in the night. To those with questions who are brave enough to ask, and the ones bringing answers who are kind enough to share them.

Beautiful Whore

Beautiful whore.
That's better than just "whore" or "beautiful" standing alone. Wouldn't you say?

It's a strange mix of incredible extremes isn't it--ttwd.

How the words "I love you and you are My whore" whispered as belt meets skin change that moment into something beyond pleasure and pain. And the thoughts in my mind explode in the beautiful contradiction.

Because it is a bit of a contradiction. An odd balance between being spoken to like a queen and treated like a whore. Or a combination of both. Like cruelty mixed with tenderness. It pushes all my buttons and gives me something beyond who I am and what I see myself to be.
A contradiction of sorts yet also a completion of the whole. Balance.

Embracing the darkness has led me to the light. And I like what I see--no matter how much it terrifies me. 

"I love you and I am going to hurt you. Then I will kiss away your tears and wash away your fears."

A beautiful contradiction.

Rant/Whine/Eh Fuck It

I like to respond to comments whenever I put up a new post. And my last post had interesting ones--I want to respond to them all. But not tonight.
Tonight I would like to leave real thought in the dust, walk off without my sense of humor and just bitch.

You will find a list of things worth reading over to the right lol.

Seriously, I think my sense of humor is broken. Or lost. Maybe there's a lost and found box somewhere. And my humor is hiding in the bottom, waiting to be scraped out.

My car broke down and is going to cost an outrageous amount of money to fix. No car equals no applying for positions now opening because of the season. No job means no money, means no fixing things. Nearby bridge? Specifically one close enough to walk to please. Alpha refuses to chauffeur me anywhere besides to the doctor.

My kid.
Dear green freakin Goddess above has he been awful this week. I want to beat him. Alpha wants to beat him. So normally we would settle on the usual compromise--punish the kid, beat me. But when the tantrum lasts into the night? Well, sleeping Doms apparently do not dole out beatings. And hey, I'm actually okay with that because I'm on a major bitch binge. The kind where statements like, "grabbing implements out of my hands is against the rules!" are sure to be necessary.

My mom.
Seriously, the woman looks like she found my bridge and is getting way to close to the edge. The root of the matter is her dog is dying of old age. My dad's dog. Her last constant companion besides a few psychotic cats. And that's sad.

My husband.
Asleep but awake enough to bitch me out for yelling at the kids.
If I made the rules around here...!
Ironically, something like that is generally the last little straw. The one final heaping of shit that just puts me over the edge. Silly perhaps because He's not even going to remember it in the morning.
Still, one of the biggest advantages and deeply jarring aspects of ttwd is how damn easy it is to feel completely crushed by the things He says. 

I'm getting dangerously close to whining. And I do so hate whining without humor.

Eh, who am I kidding, I passed under the whiny bridge several paragraphs ago.

Oh yea, while I'm on a roll here...Why in the hell doesn't anyone tell you how painful physical therapy is? It sounds all nice and benign. But it's painful as fuck. And not in a good way.

Rant over. If anyone finds my sense of humor (I suspect it's on the bottom of a shoe, probably my kid's, but who knows), please do return it. My sanity fares much better with a decent mental companion.

submissive vs submission and don't Dominate me because I want it

I was browsing around and found this post, over at A Bedroom Dom. He feels that submissive is defined by the need to submit, someone who has it in their bones and cannot deny it. Whereas submission is simply the act of submitting. It's not a need or a deep seated state of being. It is done only for the other partner and does not stem from any internal need (I have taken creative liberties lol).

It seems that different people place different values on each side of the coin.  For some Dominants submission is more valuable because it's something their partner neither needs or particularly wants. They appreciate that the effort is made on their behalf and the arrangement works well for them. I see this view highlighted most often in dd blogs. 
On D/s blogs, this kind of submission seems to lead to a fair amount of frustration. It shows in statements like "she let me" which are met with some curiosity and confusion by people like myself.

I find it interesting to look at submission/submissive from this perspective. Because sometimes I feel like my submission is selfish--I need it. It doesn't just serve Alpha, it serves me. It feeds some deep seated need in my being. That's one of the reasons I don't feel like my submission is a gift (Alpha disagrees with me here. Our views may be contradictory, but it works for us). I don't feel that it really matter much if I see it as a gift or not--He does. And maybe that's one of the things that makes our relationship what it is. I certainly do love Him just a bit extra for it. I guess that, in a way, it soothes my insecurities.

I have thought a lot about the difference between being Dominated because it's what a sub needs vs being Dominated because it's what a Dom wants [Edit] or who He is. Because much like submissive, Dominant is about who/what you are. Thanks to Sir J for the comment that gave me this missing piece.

It seems like there is a huge difference between the feeling you get when being Dominated to please yourself  and being Dominated because it pleases Him to do so. Like pain inflicted Because He likes it, not because I want it--there's like this circular feeding thing that happens. If it gets Him off that feeds my pleasure which in turn increases His.

I think that in the beginning of ttwd, Alpha Dominated me because it had become apparent that I wanted it (through His discovery of my wayward and secret internet explorations detailed somewhere around here). And it didn't feel quite right. Not that it wasn't good, it was just lacking whatverthehellitis that makes me need what He wants--specifically Him Dominating me for Himself. Not because I wanted it. I'm not sure why or how that changes things, but it does.
In retrospect, I think that Alpha repressed His Dominance for a very long time.
I was wounded and damaged (now I'm just damaged lol) so he held back those tendencies in Himself that He felt I couldn't cope with.

He used to inflict pain on me because I liked it. Now He does it because it gets Him off. And while perhaps I like pain less now, I get more enjoyment from the experience itself. In a very big way, His pleasure is mine. And that's not something I ever thought I would find myself saying.

Okay, back on mental track here--it definitely feels deeper and more intense to be Dominated for His pleasure not my own. But I also think that those who Dominate out of love not need/want are showing a lot of love for their partners. Even if it does go against an intrinsic submissive need--to please and be used for the pleasure of another and not their own.
I believe it works both ways too--those who submit out of love not need or intrinsic desire are giving the biggest gift they can give.

The truth is, anyone can Dominate but not everyone is Dominant. And anyone can submit but not all are submissive.

Snark

"Am I in trouble?" Asked meekly from an ass up perspective of course. He chuckled, "No. You're not in trouble." Smack. "Your snarky snarkle button is broken." Did He really just say that?  "This isn't punishment." Smack. "I prefer to think of it as snark containment."

I still say that my snark button wasn't broken. In fact, it appears to have been working exceptionally well.

Recipes, yummy recipes

Jz over at A reluctant bitch, does an annual "online cookie exchange extravaganza" I think it's a totally awesome idea. And it doesn't just have to be cookies--any goodie is good (I asked 'cuz I'm not good with cookies lol). We'll just use Jz's own words to tell you how it works. Remember people, it's not plagiarism--it's promotion.

"Anyone is welcome to join us. The more, the merrier, in fact.
All you have to do is to post a recipe for a holiday goodie on December 7th.

However-
If you want your name to show up in the list of participants that I will be sending around for posting, there is a deadline.
(I type fast but still, I need a little lead time to pull this together.)
;-p

So please email me by Monday, Dec. 5th if you plan to join us. (Include your name and the title of your blog, please. It's astonishing how quickly I can get completely muddled.)

And even if you don't play, please come by and check out the recipes!

Hope to hear from you soon..."
So there you have it. Hop on over and check out her blog to get the whole spiel.

Let it be let it go let it live and let it grow

Mikki asked a good question on my last post. She asked why I was afraid Alpha wouldn't love me anymore.
Truthfully, I do believe He will always have love for me. No matter what. That doesn't mean that He wouldn't ever leave me no matter what, or that He will tolerate anything from me. It simply means that sometimes love doesn't die regardless of circumstances.

He could respect me less, see me differently, feel differently, etc.

And I know it's time for me to let go of all those little things I get hung up and use to avoid letting go. This is one of those things.
Because when you tread in unknown waters there's a calculated risk. Choices made that can effect the way couples view each other. Things can be greatly impacted in a moments action or inaction.
Things like respect and the way we feel about another person.

But when it boils right down to it? That's just an excuse.
Because Alpha contemplates the waters for a long time before shoving taking me out into them. Until finally I'm screaming "lets just take the dive dammit!" Then He contemplates some more. And eventually, we will either be in the deep end, or exploring different shores.

And lets be honest here, He has a better track record than I do.

Eventually it becomes time just to let it be. Let it go. Let it live. And let it grow.

Another thing I'm working on is letting go of preconceived notions (you can only polish your humor for so long before the real issues bleed through ya know). I used to have lots of them. Mostly about how Alpha should be as a Dominant. Funny huh, because that can be quite contradictory to submission. Yes, I have certain beliefs about what makes a good Dominant (anyone who says they don't is either lying or none to bright). Though now, for the most part, my notions revolve around what makes a good submissive. Well, what makes me a good sub for Him. And I guess at some point, one of those things became letting go of the notion of judging His Dominance. Because Dominance is not about adjusting your wants and needs to the expectations of a submissive (please note that I said "expectations" lol).

I mean after all, I can judge myself plenty for both of us lol. Which rolls into something else I have been thinking about--that little issue of self-acceptance. And I rather think it's time to let that go too. Because a great deal of my striving to achieve and judgement of self revolves around pleasing Alpha. Being someone He loves, respects, and is proud of. So why negate His judgement by refusing to accept myself as a whole?

Because eventually it's time just to let it be. Let it go. Let it live. And let it grow.

My Place in Our Space

Forty swats with the riding crop and I was done. Melted. Placed squarely back...in my place. Begging to know how to be where I belong and how I had gotten so far away from it in the first place.

Alpha's firm voice floating in my ears. Informing me that the answers I seek are simple. That the solution is a basic concept. "All you have to do is accept who and what you are."

He had offered to stop at twenty-two. And that insane woman who resides in my head chose to whisper "I can take more Master." We both knew that I needed to go beyond where I thought I could. So He picked the riding crop up again. As He brought it down across my ass, He said, "you need this don't you. It's not just a want. You need submission with all your being. This is who you are." Smack! "Yes Master."

And it is a need. Some deep part of my being that cannot be denied. Much like the Dominance in Him, it comes from the core of my being. Undeniable, unavoidable, no longer a want, but an acknowledged need. A huge part of me and who I am. Submission is in my bones, it flows through my veins.

He later told me "you think the simplest things are most complicated and the most complicated the simplest" (??). He wasn't interested in providing an explanation for the statement. Because, as He said, "I think you should spend some time thinking about it."

We moved to the couch and He asked me why I am so afraid of accepting who and what I am.

The truth is, I am afraid of who I am and what I will become when I let go. What I will be if I accept it. And that maybe He won't love me so much.
He knows it too. Gently tilting my face up towards His He said quietly, "it's okay to accept who and what you are little one. You can want anything. Because you are mine--and I will decide whether or not you get it."

Protected

So there's this feeling I have been thinking about a lot lately.

It has to do with the sensations of safety...The feeling I have in any given situation I am in depending on Alpha's presence.

I give Him more of myself than I ever thought I could give anyone. And He gives me more than I ever imagined I could receive from another human being...
One of the things He gives me is the sensation of safety. Not just in the lineal form of being physically protected...But also an overall sensation that everything is going to be okay. No matter what.

It's not that I am incapable of protecting myself, far from it. But it's stressful sometimes ya know...

We have been together for almost half of my lifetime. And because I'm so used to it, sometimes I forget that He even gives me this feeling...Until He's not here.
Though there are other times I just lie there at night and revel in that feeling--the sensation of being protected. And I call it a sensation because words sound so flat and I cannot seem to find any that will express it properly.
I curl up to Him and soak up the feeling that everything is right with the world. And no matter how much the dogs bark, or little things go bump in the night, it's okay because He is with me.

Our dynamic has increased this feeling tremendously. One of the things that led to my realization/admission of these feeling was accepting a certain theme in my fantasies (Okay, I know Alpha's going to say that He pointed this out a long time ago but, well you know, tactile learner here lol).

Rescue me. Of course.
Over and over and over again.
Ironically, when this translates to real life it usually means rescuing me from myself. Which is rather ridiculous...But I'm not ready to be quite that introspective here. So, moving on.

There's something about having the person who is your protection from the world be the one that inflicts pain on you, controls you, does what they wish with you.
The one who protects from all other evils is the one who inflicts His evils of choice. And for some reason that is really hot and erotic to me. In a rather twisted way perhaps, but there is something unique and intimate and intense about it.

It makes me feel even more safe--He can humiliate me, and hurt me, and take me to the edge of sanity.

But He will not allow others to do so.

And that is a feeling I cannot seem to find quite the right words for.

Dear Lurkers

Rumor has it that today is love our lurkers day.
A day dedicated to those of you who stop by quietly on your internet travels and leave without a word.
I don't mind really. Because you are the majority of my readership and I used to be a silent visitor too.

But I must admit that I am a bit curious about you. Why you pass through so quietly leaving minimal footprints behind. With only my dashboard to tell me you were here at all.
And I wonder why you read here, what you think when you visit my crazy little corner. I wonder about the thoughts, ideas, and questions that I never see because you pass through so quietly.

When I started this blog, it never really occurred to me that people would actually read it lol. Somewhat to my amazement, you do. And I love the regular commenters who come by to point and laugh, offer kind words, ask questions, give me ideas, or just say hello.
But I love my lurkers too. And there's so many of you that I can't help but wonder about you just a bit.

So if you are one of those people who likes to visit quietly and go on your way without a word, do take a moment to say hello. I won't bite. Promise! After all, rumor has it that today is your day. So what better time than now to dip your toes in the water, stick your nose out of the closet, and delurk just enough to say hi. Or bye. Or anything else that tickles your fancy.

Me? I would just kind of like to know a bit about you--anything at all.
And I am 99.99% sure that your computer will not explode if you click the comments button and leave one of your very own.

I don't wanna...

I am one of those women who is supposed to get a pap smear every year. No ifs ands or buts about it.
It's been, ahem, four years.
But c'mon, can you really blame me? It's basically paying some stranger to:

Shove cold metal objects up your twat and offer unfelt apologies.

Teach them about infection control and prevention with extra credit for having anything to contribute to the conversation regarding painful sex.

Give you bad news with a complimentary side of ignorance.

Seriously though, there is a reason I am supposed to do this every year. And it scares the shit out of me. So I use avoidance in hand with denial. Works beautifully until some test comes back abnormal lol.
And I really really wanted to cancel my appointment tomorrow.

But Alpha threatened to tie me to a chair. And sprinkle sand on my clean floor. While simultaneously rearranging objects and leaving them out of place.

So I'll go. But I weally, weally, weally don't want to.

Counting blessings

I was feeling a bit down this morning, so I figured it was time to count my blessings (any and all cynicism comes with a written disclaimer), and take an alternative perspective on some of the blessings in my life:

A Mount Everest of debt An opportunity for developing long-term stress management skills.

Two crazy cute kitties.

Four cranky four-legged friends.

Two rotten healthy children.

A marriage to a big meanie? man who knows exactly how to treat me.

One batty, needy mother who loves me.

A bedroom that may never be finished home that is really ours.

Four vehicles, none of which is completely reliable with potential to be quite reliable.

A tendency towards to much sarcasm good sense of humor.

A body that feels like it may be falling apart in pretty good condition for having two kids.

A household of four currently lacking income that gets to spend a lot of time together.

A large following of debt collectors fan club!

A multitude of issues surrounding sex and personal acceptance relationship and sex life that gets better with each passing year.

And did I mention my skill at using humor to avoid addressing my real issues great sense of humor?

Search Results

 People will find a blog off the damnedest searches:

"and my brain"
Ummm....Glad to be of service?

"Free sex"
Hey, I never said sex was free!

And then there was "bull nose nipple clamps how to attach"
Eek. I sure hope they didn't take time out to go google that...

"Nose torture"
I can't decide if that's totally gross or just downright painful. I'm thinking both.

"Kink free sex"
Terribly sorry. I'm thinking they did not find what they were looking for?

Love and ttwd

I started thinking about this after greengirl's comment on my last post. I was inspired to do some navel gazing today by a post she did at whatiwonder, which led to comments that inspired this post over at Aisha, and got me to put some more thought into how love and ttwd relate to each other.
Run-on sentences much?

Anyways...

I could not really submit if I didn't love Alpha. I would never be able to really let go if He didn't love me.

Well, I would submit. But I couldn't surrender.

Is love the same thing as submission? I don't think so. But I do think that submission can be an expression of love.
When you combine D/s and love there is a certain intimacy and passion. A connection deeper than skin. And it is like nothing else. For me, love is what makes ttwd what it is. It makes an experience that could otherwise be terribly scarring, and turns it into something so incredible that I cannot even find words for it.

In ttwd love opens doors that would otherwise stay closed to us. And there are some amazing experiences behind them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the spirit of complete randomness...

Somewhere along the line recently I became picky in my submission. I felt like I wanted Alpha to dominate me completely, but I wanted to choose when and how. 

Just award me the "worst brilliant submissive" award now.

D/s and sex are closely related in our relationship. And I've got some serious disconnect going on. Case in point, we watched porn last night and I wasn't turned on in the least little bit. Zip, zilch, nada, nothing, "can I just go to bed and pass out?"

Yet, unbeknownst to me, my body had a completely different reaction (we are not currently communicating well apparently).

And we need the expression of connection inherent in ttwd. I have learned enough to check back in and submit. That submission doesn't need to be a reaction. But sometimes I feel like I am separate from the act (I have totally given up on trying to make sense to anyone besides myself at this point lol).

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

Edit: I love seeing a post take off and inspire posts on multiple blogs, so I thought I would add that sin has one up about D/s and love here. And sfp has one here.