Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Grey

So...It's been a hot minute since I posted here huh. I don't know how to be be here. I was always me in this forum. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less. Yet now...I have this thing...This fear that anything I say here will be thrown at me in the most painful of ways by the one whom this blog so much revolved around...So I don't write. Cuz yea, it hurts. More than I can put into words...

I used to believe that life was black and white. I prefer to see the world in terms of black and white. It's simple. Right, wrong; love, hate; black and white. But he taught me that there is grey. I fucking hate grey. And fuck 50 shades of grey for acting like grey is cool, but I digress, as usual...
My life is grey. and I fucking hate that. I want to live in black and white, or color so intense the eye can barely see it and the mind struggles to comprehend it...

But he taught me that anything can be grey...Grey is that place where your lifetime love meets that which hates you with all it's heart and soul but also loves you...Grey is that place where you want nothing more than escape, yet at the same time...Maybe you don't...Grey is an eternal fucking limbo where everything you believed collides with everything that is and none of it makes sense. Grey is wanting to run away and slit your wrists but being in love with a past which is no longer reality. Grey is, "his limits are mine" until you realize that you never actually knew his limits...Grey is needing submission to the core of your being and questioning what you are every day of your life because you drew the line somewhere... Grey is when you have sweated in sheets and screamed someones name for nearly twenty years while they lovingly whispered in you ear what a whore you were, only to someday hear them scream at you that you are merely a worthless whore whom they wish would die.

Grey is being in love with a memory that hates you but is still in love with you and won't let you go.

And yea, I'm in love with a sadist who once broke my heart. But I feel like I can't write that here...Cuz the various shades of grey will appear to rub salt in the open wounds of what was, was is, and what will be. 

So until the next time...If you used to read and you're curious about where we landed, this sums it up pretty damn well. Except for the she don't give a shit bit. Cuz I always give a shit. And that's one of the reasons I despise grey.


Saturday, January 27, 2018

It's been a while...

It has been a considerable amount of time since I have posted here...As considerable as that time may be, I feel that it is somewhat minute in comparison to the changes my life has undergone since August.
Part of my reticence in writing here is due to the knowledge that what I write is likely to be used against me. I have only ever written what was truly me here, and I prefer to express silence over falsehoods, because at least that is genuine.
If you read me before, and you're reading me now, I just wish for you to know that my life has unimaginably and irrevocably changed, and I miss this space. I miss you reading me, your thoughts and words, and I'm not gone. Just lost. This place is still mine, and I have neither forgotten nor abandoned it.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Little One,

I have lost the will to live.....You have taken it from me.....You took off your collar......You are no longer mine...... I thought I was the best....

I guess fucking not. You fell in love with her....You fell in love with him......Why the fuck was I not enough.

Years ago you stopped going into space for me....It was always my fault....I was doing it wrong. 
Fact is you don't love me, You love the Ideal of me.....

You told me that b didn't love me......that she was just a soul sucking cunt that ruined your life....

You gave her to me.....Said she was your gift to me, and I your gift to her.

Then you took her away.

You want me to be miserable.  Its the only time you smile.  That and when your with her.

You took all your submission and gave it to a stupid fucking little boy that will never be half the man I am let alone a dom...He is a piece of shit.  Never deserved your love.....but you took him from me too......Just like you took B.

You take everything I love away from me......The only thing I am allowed to love is what you say.

You topped from the bottom our whole relationship.....Always telling me I was doing It wrong.

You took your submission from me and gave it to that little piece of shit boy......when he didn't want it.....I couldn't console you......you had to run to her.......you don't give a shit about me......i'm just a fixture in your life that you don't want to be without...

I want to fucking die......you told me that B was killing us.....But you share her bed now.....will not even take your clothes off in mine.....I want to fucking die........Merry Fucking Christmas.

You will not even let me walk away and have another......yes little one, she does love me, and her collar is the most important thing she has ever had.....but it doesnt matter cause shes just a week little street whore.........She couldn't possibly love me, you have shown me that I am unworthy of love.

I want to die......thanks for the lie.

Yours Truly,

The Piece of  Shit you used to call master
Alpha

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Tired

Irony. Life is full of irony. Most of it bitter lol.

Lost Boy (Omega just doesn't work, he'll always be the gorgeous cold fucking lost boy) ran. And I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. And life is kind of fucking lonely. And sad. And ironic.

There's four of us in this picture, you see--Alpha, me, her, Lost Boy. And the most bitter irony of all, is that we're all going to end up alone.
She won't have Alpha after he leaves me. And Lost Boy will chase a love who thinks she can sooth that beast to sleep forever, and he thinks he can keep it asleep, but he can't because if he could I'd have never felt that hunger from him in the first place. Eventually he'll break her heart and hate himself for it, and while he'll never know how deeply he destroyed me, he will see every bit of her heartache.

They were both angry with me, her and Alpha. Because I won't tell Lost Boy what he's done to me, the destruction he's caused...They wanted to know why, and I didn't really tell them.
In part, it's because I let that stupid lovely cold fucking boy see me, and run his fingers through my fucking soul, and maybe I just couldn't bare that pain to him. More than anything though, I wanted him to leave me with something good. I wanted him to leave me knowing that I'd always fucking love him and want him to be happy and I'd never close the door. I didn't want him to leave me carrying my pain. I wanted even just one of us to walk away with something lovely and light. So I didn't tell him how very badly he fucked me up. And he's not speaking to me, so it's kind of a moot point...Suffice to say, I'm emotionally retarded and it feels like I let that boy rip out pieces of my fucking soul.

Alpha and I no longer make each other happy. All the trappings we use to define relationships aside, it is important to be kind to each other. And I'm afraid that we're reaching the point where there's no recovery from the awful things we've repeated over and over.
These days we are D/s whenever it is convenient to the one making the claim to assign the blame.

There's nothing left for me here. Besides a good high school with awesome teachers for my eldest. Alpha works in another state, Lost boy is leaving, my work all seems to be across state lines, and our lease is up October first and will not be renewable...I need to make a decision. Alpha wants to keep a household here for a year, but he will be living in another state for work come January regardless. I need to pick an area code. I need to base that decision on what's best for my kids. And I don't know...I've given myself until the end of next week to make a decision.

I am so fucking tired. Through my bones and my stupid broken heart, to the depths of my fucking soul. I am tired. So very goddamned tired.