Thursday, August 24, 2017

Tired

Irony. Life is full of irony. Most of it bitter lol.

Lost Boy (Omega just doesn't work, he'll always be the gorgeous cold fucking lost boy) ran. And I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. And life is kind of fucking lonely. And sad. And ironic.

There's four of us in this picture, you see--Alpha, me, her, Lost Boy. And the most bitter irony of all, is that we're all going to end up alone.
She won't have Alpha after he leaves me. And Lost Boy will chase a love who thinks she can sooth that beast to sleep forever, and he thinks he can keep it asleep, but he can't because if he could I'd have never felt that hunger from him in the first place. Eventually he'll break her heart and hate himself for it, and while he'll never know how deeply he destroyed me, he will see every bit of her heartache.

They were both angry with me, her and Alpha. Because I won't tell Lost Boy what he's done to me, the destruction he's caused...They wanted to know why, and I didn't really tell them.
In part, it's because I let that stupid lovely cold fucking boy see me, and run his fingers through my fucking soul, and maybe I just couldn't bare that pain to him. More than anything though, I wanted him to leave me with something good. I wanted him to leave me knowing that I'd always fucking love him and want him to be happy and I'd never close the door. I didn't want him to leave me carrying my pain. I wanted even just one of us to walk away with something lovely and light. So I didn't tell him how very badly he fucked me up. And he's not speaking to me, so it's kind of a moot point...Suffice to say, I'm emotionally retarded and it feels like I let that boy rip out pieces of my fucking soul.

Alpha and I no longer make each other happy. All the trappings we use to define relationships aside, it is important to be kind to each other. And I'm afraid that we're reaching the point where there's no recovery from the awful things we've repeated over and over.
These days we are D/s whenever it is convenient to the one making the claim to assign the blame.

There's nothing left for me here. Besides a good high school with awesome teachers for my eldest. Alpha works in another state, Lost boy is leaving, my work all seems to be across state lines, and our lease is up October first and will not be renewable...I need to make a decision. Alpha wants to keep a household here for a year, but he will be living in another state for work come January regardless. I need to pick an area code. I need to base that decision on what's best for my kids. And I don't know...I've given myself until the end of next week to make a decision.

I am so fucking tired. Through my bones and my stupid broken heart, to the depths of my fucking soul. I am tired. So very goddamned tired.


Monday, July 24, 2017

Dancing on the Edge

She said she missed the way I live on the edge.
He said he loved me and wasn't in love with me, but wanted to fuck me. Sex, nothing more. Nothing less. Then he said it didn't feel okay and walked away.
Alpha said it was okay. Then it wasn't.

They enjoy the way I dance on the edge
until they get too close.
careful darlin with what you broke
my edges are jagged and shattered
and I'll not hesitate to lick the blood from your fingertips
as it slowly drips
taste your sorrows upon my lips
just...Dig your fingers into my hips
and let the facade slip.

They like the way I live on the edge,
dance with the demons in my head
until they get close to my bed
there are dangers under my pillow
monsters in the closets
under my bed a story of wins and losses
never forgotten tales of forsaken causes.

Wander these city streets, feel the pavement beneath my feet
listen to my own words echoing through my mind...
I wish you loved me like you used to
don't let that motherfucker slide
I'm scarred as fuck and you're afraid I'll ask you to put the pieces back together
I love you
I'm sorry the world's gone to shit kid
I'm fine
your aunt stabbed herself in front of the little one last night
fuck with me some more and I'ma fuck you up
read me at your own risk
what's a nice kid like you doing in a place like this
sorry I got tanked and lost my shit
breathe through the panic,
the kids are good, 4.0 students all day long
I want you
fuck you
I'm sorry our life isn't normal kiddo
I am damn good at what I do
normal is overrated and easily debated
touch me and I'll stick a pair of scissors in your fucking leg
we'll all do whatever we have to to survive baby
I'm about to throw my phone through the damn wall
fuck me
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm sorry
please

They like to watch me dance on the edge
receive an invite to my bed
fuck a little bit with my head
watch me see red.
I'll sing for you, bleed for you, shatter my dreams for you
lick the blood off these bones, in midnight's twilight we are all alone
searching for something to call home
looking for an escape from the ache of this place

I am no cookie cutter queen with rainbow dreams
I am the teeth chewing at my own seams
the grey area in between
you and me
and all the things we don't want to see.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

No One Tells Little Girls...

Sitting here...
what's one more night alone and on my own?
wrap broken wings around myself
sitting unwanted and saved upon the shelf.

No one tells little girls that love hurts so goddamn bad
no one tells little girls how boys with big brown eyes will rip your heart out
and dance upon your soul
holding to themselves that which could make you whole.
No one tells little girls that the boy with the beautiful eyes will feed you to his demons
leaving you with neither rhyme nor reason.

No one tells little girls what it's going to be like to be a junkyard dog covered in scars
in a world which values beauty and nice cars.
No one tells little girls that fairy tales die
and that maybe forever, always, and everything is a lie.

No one tells little girls that love will break them
that the boys with beautiful brown eyes will always be searching for something else
that the broken toys, the girls with all the scars, will never live up to the fancy cars
that love is a goddamned war
and her heart will be a traitorous fucking whore
that they'll always be too much and never enough.

No one tells little girls
that they will hand that beautiful brown eyed boy their heart on a platter
and watch it be sliced into pieces and fed to the demons
that love completely lacks in rhyme and reason.

Why doesn't anyone tell little girls that their hearts are going to be battlegrounds
fighting an eternal war when that beautiful boy doesn't come around
that no one will hear the sound
as they wrap broken dreams around themselves like wings
forever waiting for some beautiful brown eyed boy to come around?

Why don't we tell little girls that those gorgeous fucking boys with big brown eyes
who smell like smoke and taste like hope,
who dance through their dreams and change their perception of reality,
are going to make their souls bleed with need?

No one told me
that the girl I'd become would be a junkyard dog
in a world full of purebreds
waiting by the side of some gorgeous brown eyed boys bed
needing to feed a hunger that cannot be fed.

No one told me that love could be so all goddamned consuming
that I'd spend so many nights alone on my knees
knowing that I was not the one chosen to please.

No one tells little girls
that those divinely delicious boys with big brown eyes
who taste like hope and smell like smoke
will have them crawling endlessly to feed a need sated by others
and goddamn the mothers
who don't tell little girls
that they love only at their own peril.

My father knew
that I would be a junkyard dog with the heart of a whore,
little more than a casualty in loves fucked up war.
But he thought that I would inspire
lift somebody in this world up a little bit higher...

The truth is darlin, 
that I'm just a girl who dared to love as a junkyard dog does
but nobody wants to live and love in a junkyard of broken cars
that an aging little girl covered in scars, who cares not for fancy cars...
She's a dream unseen, some other kind of being
who will never belong, cursed to always long
for boys with big brown eyes
who smell like smoke
and taste like hope
but really, those beautiful brown eyed fucking boys are just the hanging rope.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Fuck You Up or Fuck Me Down

I have seen the bottom of many bottles, worked my way through a lot of piles, 
and walked so many damn miles.
I have cradled demons in my hands and danced with lightning in the dark,
contemplating that eternal spark.

I'll fuck you up until you fuck me down
down down down, all the way into the ground.
Take a moment to look around
can you hear the weight of sound?
What was once lost has been found.

Contemplate those stormy sees
spend some time in the pouring rain on your knees
come on now
breathe into me.

Hold that space lost one,
that empty place I kept for you
in a silent room on my knees
asking only to be allowed to please.
So diligently you stand in that doorway
no other shall pass, just as you have silently asked.
Yet still you refuse to step inside the storm.

There's an empty space inside of me
I can fuck you up or you can fuck me down,
and so we go round and round
unacknowledged electricity fills the space between us
smoldering so strongly that I can barely breathe.

Can you feel me?
I am no endless sea
simply a perfect storm on her knees
whatever will you do with me?
something, anything please
fuck me down before you fuck me up.

Can you feel me like I feel you?
Back and forth we dance in the darkness
coming only close enough to spark the flames, never close enough to touch
I am never enough and always too much.

I have waited, I have waited for you
on my knees with my offerings
I let you in, fed you my sins
always a full plate awaits when you wander through that door
and you know, you know that I am a whore
for you, for him, for the deadly beauty you hold within.

So baby, fuck me up or fuck me down
and we'll go round and round
'cuz I hear your voice in my head every time I lay down in my bed
Feel your arms in my dreams
and see their reflections in your eyes when I look upon the sky.

One day you smiled at me
and I swear my heart fell into my fucking knees
and all I could think was
oh shit...This is gonna hurt like a bitch.

So baby on we go, round and round
stranger than the weight of sound
'cuz you fuck me up and fuck me down
and we are without beginning or end.