The Emotional Masochist

By this point, we have clearly established that I'm not much of a masochist. The phrase "Worlds wussiest masochist" comes to mind...

However, I can wear the title of emotional masochist rather well.

Now, "Emotional masochist" is one of those terms that you probably don't want to Google. Kind of like "Headache and fever" because by the end of page one, you will go from mild pain, to meningitis patient on her deathbed. Or in this case, from mostly stable, to incredibly self destructive and emotionally damaged.

So, I'm not debating definitions here, I am making my own. And no, I haven't quite decided what mine is in word form yet, but I have a whole post for you to figure it out right?

I realize that this is going to be a highly interpretable sentence, and that most interpretations will be terrible, but there might be a few of you who "get" it:
The emotional masochist is the person who shines and gets shit done when a loved one dies--because they can ride the high of being in emotional agony. And they are the one's who crash hardest when that high fades.

I do occasionally crave pain, because it gets me out of my head. There is a certain release in pain or in the pain/pleasure combination, that isn't really achieved with other physical sensations.

But what I really crave, what really turns me on and makes me melt, are the things I don't want. The things that make me cringe and blush, the things that make me want to run away and hide, the things that make me squirm and want to crawl away--the things that I find humiliating.

To me, that is emotional masochism.

Humiliation is about control--someone having enough control over you that you are willing to fall into any depths because they so desire it. It's about being stripped bare in ways far beyond the physical experiences we use to define ourselves. It's about going so far down that you can't see the top, and he is the only reality that truly exists.

Emotional masochism is surrender. Surrender to all that we try to keep hidden and find difficult to accept about ourselves.
The emotional masochist is the voice that whispers "Tie me to a chair and make me watch you fuck someone else, push me over the edge and watch me fall, grab me back up just before I crash and break into a million tiny pieces. Inspect me from head to toe, and push me just far enough beyond my limits that I crack. Then pick me up and put me back together in whatever new form pleases you."

Emotional masochism is wanting someone to crawl so deep into your mind that you are willing to bypass all of your own desires in order to achieve theirs. It is the sensation of fulfilling one's purpose simply by experiencing things that one explicitly does not want.

At this point, I think it is worth mentioning that one doesn't want to become a Google statistic. I do believe that emotional masochism can be a terribly unhealthy thing if it is not managed correctly.
In a way, it is also much easier to damage the emotionally masochistic than it is to take physical masochism too far--because the marks are not clearly visible to the naked eye.

The emotional masochist is willing to surrender to anything.
Owning an emotional masochist requires knowing when to stop, and how to put them back together. It is paying attention to the cracks and caring enough to avoid the things that will cause real, lasting, and irreparable harm.
Just because someone is willing to travel to the depths of hell, doesn't mean that you should actually take them there.

The Humiliating Complexities of Humility

Humiliation is one of those murky areas where the waters get a bit darker isn't it? Because we aren't really talking about the physical things that can induce a psychological state, but the results of those actions--what happens in a person's mind.
And it is an extremely subjective experience--some people are unfazed by it, others are damaged, and a few get off on it.
My trauma might be a cake walk for someone else. My good night might be trauma for another.

I think that it is a lot easier to avoid damaging someones body than it is to avoid damaging their mind.
I don't really have a perspective on humiliation from the inflicting side. I know that the first time, we had a really serious talk afterwards.
He was...Pleased and concerned. And we both believe it was something that could be pushed too far. For both of us. For me to the point of damage, and him to the point where it didn't heighten his feelings for me, but created negative ones.
And humiliation is one of those things where you kind of keep uping the ante. So you have to know your cards and stop before you end up in the hole.

My all time favorite blog post about the positive feelings humiliation can evoke is at A Slave among Drivers. I think she did an absolutely brilliant job expressing how incredible it can be.

Humiliation is about humility--the absence of pride, being in a place where there is no ego or pretension...Only who and what you really are. Humility is about accepting and just...Being.
It's about having all the unnecessary trappings of daily life and who we are stripped away until there is nothing left between us.

Though it is not to be confused with degradation (yes, I'm picky and I like to make these distinctions). Degradation is about tearing someone down and making them less than what they are.

Positive humiliation is about being seen at your absolute lowest, and respected the more for it. It's about what happens after the tears, facing the fears, and crawling out the other side.

There's clearly a huge difference between positive and negative humiliation, and I think that most of us immediately think of the negative connotations when we hear the word. Because, lets face it, humiliation can be an extremely negative thing right? It's those experiences we hated, and that left us feeling like shit, the ones we try not to think about as we look through our memories or face the mirror.

But sometimes, it is a beautiful thing that happens in that place where boundaries fade and we can be closer to another human being than space itself allows.

The way he picks me up and kisses my head, the way he washes my hair and runs his fingers down my back, the words he whispers in my ear as he guides me to bed--it's these things that make the experience what it is. More so perhaps than the humiliation itself. But these things would not be what they are without the events that led to them.

And the way he grins at me on the following day and calls me his twisted little kitty? Well, it is rather endearing.

How does one get off on humiliating another person? I dunno. Perhaps because there is something powerful about seeing the extent to which another person is willing to go for you, in being able to do obscene things to someone that they would likely never admit to let alone do....I think it takes a sadistic streak. So often we think of sadism and masochism being about physical pain. But really? There are many toys in that particular sandbox.

Like most of the incredible experiences in life, humiliation at it's worst can be a terrible thing. At it's best...It can be absolutely amazing.

Delicious Darkness

In the span of twenty seconds against the fridge while hearing and feeling some very convincing things, I got it.
No, really!

Think about what you want and what happens if you actually get it.

Seriously.

I also think I know some of why he wants me to let go.
And as silly as it sounds? I believe it is very much for my own good.
I think he's a little curious where I'll go, and perhaps a little nervous where we will land. But really, he knows I have to be all in. All or nothing. It's not the most amendable trait, but he knows it well about me. And that's never going to happen if I don't simply...Surrender.

I have also come to a realization about the events of this week. Normally, after a taste of really letting go, I withdraw and fortify the walls. I didn't do that this time.

I used his actions/non-actions as an excuse for why I shouldn't do it.

Same thing, different method. And it took me all these angsty posts to come to that conclusion.
I know I'm a slow learner, but it could be worse right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was this morning...Tonight, well...It's one of those times where I'm going to read this in the morning and it may not make any sense at all.

When he took me into the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and said "disrobe," I knew it hadn't been an empty threat.

I wanted to squirm out of my own skin as he sat down and waited for me to undress. Watching every movement with an almost complete lack of expression.

I think it was the most humiliating experience of my entire life.

When we came out, he spent a few minutes on the computer while I sat at his feet in a haze. Seriously, the gnomes could have painted my living room purple, and I don't think I would have batted an eyelash.

At one point when he was fucking me, he whispered, "One of the reasons sex is such a big part of our D/s is because it's the thing you have the hardest time giving." 

See, he gives me answers when I'm receptive. Unfortunately, that's also when I tend to forget things.

The thing here is that I realized something tonight--D/s is my water, and humiliation is my addiction. 

Humiliation is deeply disturbing, a delicious darkness, it does something to my psyche that nothing else quite touches.

I remember the first time he did something really humiliating to me me, and how terrified I was that he couldn't possibly love me afterwards, how he said that he loved me more because of what I was willing to do for him, how incredibly safe and loved I felt when it was over. And he had more respect for me than before.

There's nothing quite like when someone can take pleasure from placing you at your very lowest, seeing you at your very worst, and accepting you for what you are in the end.

Being humiliated by Alpha is raw, vulnerable, complete surrender. I know this sounds weird, but in a way, it's like being without skin--there's nothing left between you.

That squirm, the slight sensation of fear, the floating and mindless acquiescence that humiliation brings is...Well it's just delicious. It turns me into a wanton, dripping, malleable, whore, who will crawl on her knees and do anything he says without question.

And he loves me when it's over.

I shouldn't be writing...I feel like a puddle of sex and submission and something else...Me?

Where is the Line?

I was recently inspired to dive into a thought process around healthy limit pushing and crossing the line into actual damage.

It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.

So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.

There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.

The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).

Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.

For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.

It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.

It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.

And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.

I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.

I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.

I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.

And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.

Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.

How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.

But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.

Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.

Intention is (almost) everything

Ttwd is very much about intent. It changes everything and shapes the experiences within a BDSM oriented relationship.
The intentions behind actions largely determine their outcome and impacts. Take humiliation for instance, if the intent behind it is to make someone a lesser being, to break their spirit and crush who they are, without thought for their well-being, then it's not a healthy thing at all right? If the intent is to remind another of their place, to exercise one's rights over that person, to somehow deepen the connection (insert description here. I'm still trying to get a handle on the workings of humiliation lol), then it can have very different consequences.

The focus behind a gentle touch, the intent of a slap in the face--it changes what that action becomes, what it does to the person on the receiving end. If Alpha were to slap me in anger during one of those rare knock-down-drag-out fights, that would be a problem. But, while He does slap me (on a fairly regular basis I might add), it's not done in anger. Sometimes in displeasure yes, but never anger. And those tender touches? Yes, they feel good, but if there is focused intent behind them, they make your hair stand on end and send shivers down your spine.

I have focused mainly on Dominant intentions, but what about the other end? I have come to believe that the intent behind submission is just as important as the act of submission itself. Less blatantly noticeable than those from the Dominant side, but they still matter within the context of the relationship. Submission can be lovely, it can be reluctant, it can be scary, it can be primal, it can be selfish. If we submit only for what we get out of it, doesn't that effect the quality of our submission? I believe that, by definition, submission is undertaken not only for our need of it, but for the service of another (yes yes, I'm not getting any service awards, I know lol).

When the intent behind our submission is based solely on our wants, does it not lose value? It's good to know what you want. Even better to know what you need. I gots lots of wants (told you no service awards for me), and a fair amount of needs. I try not to get stuck in my wants, and make a great deal of effort to recognize my needs. But they aren't always compatible (totally rude right). Anyways...

It's true what they say, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But I am doubtful about how, ahem, "good" Alpha's intentions are anyways lol.

Intention isn't everything, but it does play a big part in ttwd.

Thoughts on humiliation

 I just want to say...Omg, He did a post to my blog. I didn't really want to post right on top of it, but I had to get the thoughts out of my head while they were still semi-coherent lol.  For some reason I had a terrible time formatting this post so it's showing as one very long and difficult to read paragraph lol.  Alright, this post is a response to a comment greengirl (whatiwonder >>> ), left on my "Damages" post. When I think of humiliation, I don't think of the daily teasing or mocking--I just think that's irritating lol. And I do trust Him more than I did before our D/s dynamic. I think that is due in no small part to the deepening and intensity of our relationship and the fact that honesty has taken on such an important role. Imho, there is a huge difference between humiliation in a vanilla relationship and humiliation in a D/s relationship. In vanilla (memories of which are fast being wiped out lol. I kind of sucked at vanilla anyways), it's not healthy. You see it in abusive relationships a lot. It lacks any intent besides tearing down another person to lift oneself up. Instead of bringing people closer, it functions as a wedge that creates resentment and distance between partners. Instead of involving some type of bonding and reaffirming of the relationship afterwords, it seems like something that just dissolves into an argument because someone's feelings are hurt and another did the hurting with no reasoning or thought. My experiences with humiliation inside D/s have been very different. When I think of humiliation, I think of the humiliation and what happens afterwords as a whole. It's worth pointing that out because it's not an obvious given if you're reading a blog post randomly. It didn't occur to me to say that until mouse (a slaves tale >>> ), pointed out that it's not about what happens during humiliation, but what happens after. And not everyone realizes that. I think what happens afterwords is the biggest reason humiliation can work in a D/s relationship and not a vanilla one. When you are told how loved you are and shown that your world is secure, the humiliation is simply an act that brings you closer and deepens the feeling of submission. It's a difficult concept for me to address because so much of it seems contradictory when put into words. Maybe mouse will offer some insights that make more sense than my post lol. At first, I was honestly afraid that Alpha couldn't love and respect me after having humiliated me. He said that, in fact, He loved and respected me more because of my willingness to experience things I found incredibly distasteful simply to please Him. That is showed a certain strength of character  to be seen so low and get up to try and take over the world again the next day (I'm taking liberties with paraphrasing here, but you get the gist). In D/s it is something you experience because your Dominant wants it. Not because He is trying to harm you or make you a weaker person. It is far more intense and meaningful than in any other context. Humiliation is one of those things that just is what it is and it's difficult to put the emotions and mental impacts into words. On a completely random side note to Alpha, I love You too and thank You for the love I'm still not sure I deserve. You are my world. Thank You for taking the time to tell the world and myself that You love me and I am yours. Best birthday card ever.

Damages

There's a fine line between hurt and damage. Be it mental, emotional, or physical. A bit of hurt is alright, it reminds us that we are alive. Damage takes you to places that are scarring and difficult to recover from.

Recently, one of my favorite blogs (whatiwonder over there >>> ), did a post about humiliation. Which got me to thinking about the subject a bit more in depth. The teasing and mocking are pretty much a part of daily life at this point (have I mentioned how much I absolutely hate being mocked? It really brings out my most disagreeable and predatory tendencies). Anyways, Alpha seems to view some of my insecurities as free game--my jealous tendencies, certain tones I use, my need to fit things into little boxes, etc. Other insecurities He, generally leaves alone, like how I view my body or family issues. But that isn't the stuff that comes to mind when I think about humiliation. It's one of those tricky arena's where there's a fine line between pushing the limits and all out damaging the person being humiliated. It strips away pride leaving you pliant and vulnerable. Exposed in more ways than the physical. It fucks with your head and takes you places you would normally never dare to tread. I think it's one of those areas of exploration where it's really easy to actually cause mental damage if it's done carelessly.

Since damage is on my mind today (see how gracefully I transition ages--totally stable and upbeat as my birthday approaches), physical harm is the most obvious and easily avoided. I'll pick being choked as my example because it's one of my all-time favorite experiences.
Personally, I think hands are the best way to go. For one, I just enjoy the sensation of His hand wrapped around my throat, for two, I think it's easier for Him to gauge when to let go. Obviously, it's not good for your brain to be deprived of blood and/or oxygen and that's a big part of the high that comes with being choked--your brain is not getting the things it needs to continue functioning. That's why actually being choked out on a regular basis is quite unhealthy, you're killing off brain cells. Of course, that's a huge part of the appeal too--someone literally has your life in their hands. It's an easy way to do serious physical damage if you aren't careful.

There's many paths to damage whether you live vanilla or...not.
Sometimes I wonder, what are the drawbacks to being Dominant? Because I can think of some downsides to being submissive like fucking when you want to sleep, doing things you genuinely don't want to, not getting the final say, etc. If I, as a submissive, had to say what I think is the most difficult thing about being Dominant, I would choose avoiding truly damaging one's sub. Because there's a fine line between playing on the edge and pushing your toys over the edge of no return.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go try not to damage my children while they attempt to avoid the responsibility of cleaning their room.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

Pride

Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...