Oh...

"Ready? This is gonna be just like last time, except I'm going to wiggle the needles around in your hips and lower back"

Lying bastard!

Last time sucked.

This time...

Oh. Ow.

I will give him credit for knowing when to stop though--it explains why no one has ever taken a needle away from him and stabbed him with it.

I'm not bitter. Nuh uh.

And today it's purple carpeted stairs here I come. However, I will not be filing a complaint with the universe. The processing and handling fee is far to large and the responses seem somewhat unpredictable.

Formspring # 5

 Apparently, the Formspring box that won't change colors for me, is not a complete waste of space.

And the proof in writing is:

"So your last post Me.Him.her? was interesting. Do you think that exploring Alpha being with another will lead to swinging,being poly or yourself playing with another dom? And if he was to be with another would it be just him and her or the three of you?"

 In short, I don't believe that it would lead to any of those things. 
And because I like to ramble...Here is probably a much longer answer than you bargained for lol. Coffee might help.

Swinging is something we have discussed in the past, but when it comes right down to it, neither of us is that interested in sleeping with other people. The concept of temporary trading doesn't do it for either of us as any fantasy involves each-other. 
For me to have sex with someone else, Alpha would have to be a participant. Otherwise it would just end up being one of those "crazy woman flies off the handle, hurts dude, and ends up in the corner curled up in the fetal position crying" scenarios.

I can confidently say, that poly is not going to happen. I think that the thought of being in a relationship with two women is somewhat of a nightmare for Alpha. He is happy with our relationship and isn't interested in having one with someone else.
For me? I suppose it would be an option if I thought my kids wouldn't mind mom being in jail for murder lol. But then, that's not really poly is it?

Me playing with another Dom is about as likely as us becoming poly. Alpha has made it quite clear that such will never happen. He's the only thing besides life and hormones that gets to Dominate me lol. 
And while I generally find Dominant men to be the ones that I find most attractive; the thought of submitting to someone else, while somewhat entertaining as an abstract fantasy involving Alpha, is actually rather terrifying. And not in that "I wanna flirt with danger and it's hot as hell" kind of way. 
Given my history and limited number of sexual partners, the reality of having sex with someone else is also extremely daunting.

Alpha having sex with another woman would involve me, though I don't know to what extent.

Given the questions, I think it's worth mentioning that this sex with another woman thing is a 13 year old conversation between Alpha and I. One that occasionally get pulled out and reexamined. And we did have a threesome with another woman 12--13 (?)  years ago. 
Our, dynamic, our relationship, and the context within which we see such experiences has changed greatly over time. As has what we would want them to be--because fantasies also change over time. 
If anyone had told me ten years ago that I could get off on the fantasy of being tied up and made to watch my husband have sex with and Dominate another woman? That in fact it was the only way I could see myself having a remotely positive experience? I would have told them they were friggin nuts.

We know that fantasy is not always compatible with reality. In my mind, just how compatible depends on a fantasy's realism, goal, and overall effect--the results. And of course...How much it gets us off.

We are monogamous and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Involving others in our relationship is not something we view as a goal, necessity, or even really a possibility. 
I do realize that sounds a bit backwards in a discussion about having sex with other people lol. However, I think that when we talk about swinging and poly, we are talking about involving other people in our relationship by having relationships with others.
I don't see a "play date" as meeting that criteria. I see it more like having a very personal visitor who leaves when they should. For us, the real issues arise when you take it out of that context and the person is no longer a "visitor".

Thank you for your question--it's nice to see the Formspring box get some use. 

This and That...

While I'm still hanging on by bleeding fingernails attached to the idea of Alpha not redoing the floor, I have to say that the laundry room is coming along nicely. Ooh what a novelty--there will no longer be a washer and dryer in the living room. Though the amount of laundry I'm going to have to do to make up for the down week is literally haunting me in my sleep...

And I think that the more trashed my house gets, the more obsessed I become with cleaning other people's houses. I'll be cleaning my moms stove tomorrow lol. Though I do have big plans around cleanliness when my living room no longer looks like a construction site...Can you say issues?

In other random news, I have to go back for another round of trigger point therapy tomorrow. Not the nice kind where it feels like they are trying to rip out your muscles--the kind where some strange man sticks needles in and moves them around with a dose of Novocaine until you think you're gonna pass out and feel like vomiting for three days afterwards.
I'm honestly not quite sure what my big problem is with it...It's not like it even hurts much (until the Novocaine wears off and you have to go to work the next day anyways).
Maybe it's partially because I really prefer to only have women all over my business when wearing one of those snazy hospital gowns, and I'm not a fan of feeling like crap?
The only person I want sticking things where they don't belong is my husband lol. Though in theory, it's going to do wonders for my hips and lower back!

Now I'm off to tape up drywall while he hovers and tells me that I'm doing it wrong. He's already taken the tape away twice and I've only put up two pieces!

Close to You

I want to be close to you

in that place

where there is you and me

no other creature in land or sea.

Where we share that space within

not even a hairs breadth apart

and my soul dances to the beating of your heart.

that place where your mind slides into mine

and we step for that moment,

outside of time

Where I becomes us

and all I hear is

"Mine."

I want to be close

oh so close to you

that place into which I occasionally peek

before I close my eyes and retreat inside.

You make me nervous
and I flirt with this
on the edges of danger
knowing that you will not touch me in anger.

I want to be
close to you.

Lines in the Sand, and How We Live El Mundo Bueno or El Mundo Malo

An email I received in response to my Me. Him. Her? post made me start thinking about why I am willing to do some of the things that I am willing to do even though I don't necessarily want to. Still with me?

 Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.

The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.

Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.

And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.

The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.

Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.

There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.

In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.

When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.

There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.

So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.

I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.

Small Scheduling Complaint

I have comments to respond to, and I'll get there. Say midnight tonight or somewhere thereafter?

For now, I would just like to file a very small complaint regarding the schedule maker around here (that would be me).

What kind of scheduler has a major brain malfunction and schedules their week so that they have to work all day then come home and make the food for the kiddo's party on the following day?

Seriously, there are supposed to be perks to being able to change one's schedule around these kind of things!
Apparently one of them is screwing myself. And since we all know I can't seem to cum on my own anymore, it's just no fun at all.
Lol.

It's cruel negligence I tell you, cruel negligence!

Me. Him. Her?

 For some reason, I have recently become obsessed with not allowing my drafts folder to pile up. So here's one from aeons ago (hey, in blogtime, months could be interpreted as aeons). You know, in the interests of cleaning house. Since mine currently has a mostly closed hole in the side. And he says we need to redo the roof. And since he's a creature of excess he's going to tear out and fix the floor too. And I'm trying not to have a conniption.
Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.

See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.

Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.

Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.

See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not  lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.

The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.

We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol. 

Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."

I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.

And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.

I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?

Make No Mistake...

It has been approximately six months since I have been punished for anything. I can hear some of you  gasping in surprise, "with that mouth? Who knew you could behave yourself for so long? It's a miracle!"

Well...Not really.

See, the sky did not fail to send you notice that it was falling, hell is still hot, and pigs aren't flying. Feel better now?

He just decided to stop. That my self-punishment might be more effective because I wouldn't get the same sense of purification that happens when the slate is wiped clean. And yes, after a certain point, I begged for punishment. He refused.

There hasn't been a whole lot of Dominating and submitting going on around here. In fact, I had contemplated a post consisting of only one line, "what is D/s?".

And I had started getting really snarky. A couple of days ago, he said he had had enough. That he was starting to get really ticked off by my attitude and he was going to punish me.

"Enjoy sitting in that chair today, because you aren't going to be sitting on anything tomorrow!"

And I was irritated about it thinking something along the lines of, "he can't punish me if he doesn't want to Dominate me in the first place!" So naturally, since my brain-to-mouth filter seems to be in a state of permanent failure, I said, "we don't do that anymore! You can't punish me!"

He was mad and I knew it.

I went to bed. He didn't come punish me.

So I woke up in the morning with a somewhat relieved sense of "he didn't follow through on his word. I knew it!" Insert overinflated sense of self righteous putouttedness.

Later that morning he grabbed the back of my head in a vice-like grip. Yanking my head back, he leaned over and hissed in my ear, "I didn't punish you last night because I thought that I might be bending our agreement about not punishing you in anger. But make no mistake, I will not tolerate this attitude out of you any longer. You are Mine until the end of existence."

Several screaming swats of the cane later, and suddenly I didn't feel in the least bit snarky anymore. I actually felt really sheepish and remorseful for being such a self-righteous bitch.

And very very satisfied with life.

And the Universe Said...

Dear Disgruntled Sub With Displacement Issues,

Since you asked so nicely, I have seen fit to grant part of your request. I hope that you appreciated the conspicuous lack of personal injury occurrences yesterday. Though the enema bag request was being a bit greedy don't you think?
However, in my infinite graciousness, I deemed it appropriate to insure that the purple carpeted stairs were unusually easy to clean.

Please note that such exceptions do require some additional charges. So I thought you might like to spend two hours on one kitchen and an hour with your hands in a toilet. As an added bonus, I threw in some vehicle issues (you will not be getting the requested 300,000 miles out of your car engine).

You are welcome.

Sincerely,
The Universe

P.S
Just so you don't get bored, I thought it might be nice to make sure you will be spending another hour on that particular toilet at some point. I know how much you hate a job half done. And those vehicle issues are going to continue haunting you for some time to come.
All thank you cards can be sent to:
The Universe Is Laughing@that'swhatyougetforasking.com

Delivery failure notice:

The recipient, A Disgruntled Sub With Displacement Issues, has marked your communication "return to sender" and is no longer receiving mail at this address.

Out for Me

Before I even made it out of the bedroom this morning, I had stubbed my toe, (actually managed that one before even making it out of the bed. I gots skills I tell you!) and tried to remove my shoulder on the wall ( it didn't work in case anyone was wondering).

I knew the universe had it out for me!

Now just as long as I don't fall down those carpeted stairs at work...Seriously, who builds carpeted stairs when they own a long haired cat?! They are such a bitch to clean.

So, here's my note to the universe for today:

Dear Universe,
please don't send me anymore clients with purple carpeted stairs. And it would be deeply appreciated if people could be suddenly inspired to put away the enema bags before I arrive and have to move them myself.
As an added bonus, I would like to keep all my toes and not run into, trip over, hit my head on, or collide with quite so many objects on a regular basis.
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

A rather disgruntled sub with displacement issues.

Just one hour...

August kicks my ass. Every. Year.

One of our nieces was born four years ago today. She had a malfunctioning chamber and two holes in her heart. Two years ago next week, my father passed away. And twelve days from today, our youngest son will turn four.

I stayed up way past my bedtime last night (self-imposed bedtime that is. I've been begging for a real one for ages, but he refuses to give me one. Sigh. The inhumanity of it all). So of course, I woke up ready to go back to bed.

All in all, August is just a bit much lol.

All I want is one hour where I have no control. Over anything.

Just one hour...

It's just not right...

Unfortunately, it's official--I cannot cum unless he tells me to. I'm pretty sure that some sort of vibrational device would change that, but shhh--he'll take that too. It's my reserve bicycle.

And you know, he just had to prove himself right.

He gave me blanket permission, "Lets have a race to see who can cum first. You can cum whenever you want!" And I'm thinking, "ooh goody, I got this!" Uh huh.

Ten minutes later, "I told you that you could whenever you want you know." Argh! "you told me I could what???" Yea, he didn't go for it.

Fifteen minutes later, "I told you that you can't cum without me telling you to even if you want to..."
Thirty seconds later, "Can to!!!"

Five minutes later I'm desperate and he's laughing at me. Laughing! Who laughs at someone during sex? Yea...
And he rubs it in some more, "you have permission, so why don't you? You're close to losing you know."

So I started to beg. And in his infinite meanness compassion, he says "Sure, go for it! You have permission."

If I was in charge...

"No! That's not what I mean. Please TELL me to!*!*!"

I swear I could see his evil grin in the dark as he said, "First admit that you can't cum unless I tell you to."

"Okay okay, you win! I can't cum unless you tell me to! PLEASE!!!"

Apparently he is not completely lacking a conscience.

Needs of Me

Break me down

make me come undone

burn me up

that I may rise from the ashes.

 

Take me apart

piece by piece

that I might once again 

simply 

be.

Cover my eyes and make me blind

so that I can see clearly once again.

Be the keeper of my sight

that I may rest upon your might.

Tie me up

so that I can be free.

Clip my wings

and watch me fly.

Cause me pain

so that I can cry.

 Kiss away my tears

as you walk me through my fears

Brush away my objections

and all these silly collections of preconceived notions

as we wander through the years.

Lock me up tight

so that I fear not the things in the night.

Keep me close

that I may not wander far from home.

Tear me down

and lift me up.

Make me breathe

so that I can be

me.

When the Leader Stands Still

I'm not great at following. A real shocker right? I question, get distracted by pretty flowers, just have to look and see what's under that tree, maybe follow that bird...You get the picture.

The thing is, even with all of that, I have found that it becomes a habit to follow someone when they lead over time.

And it's much easier to follow a leader in motion. Sure, an occasional pause in the road doesn't mean one is lost. It gives a chance to check out that tree, follow a bird or two, and smell the roses.

So when Alpha stands still I'm good to sit down and look at the sky from a slightly different perspective. For a little while.
Then I start wandering and looking down other paths. Maybe make a side trip or two. Lead myself for a little while. But after a while I find that I wandered too far and it's hard to find my way back.

You would think that finding a still object would be pretty easy right (hehe, I called him an object). But it's not.

Sometimes he pauses on the road to make me stop running in circles. He pulls me close and makes me be...Still.
This time though, he stopped and didn't seem to notice I had wandered off.
Then I came back. Over and over again. But he was looking at the sky and never seemed to see me standing there.
So I fell to my knees and he lifted me to my feet. I wanted to stay on my knees, but it felt like he couldn't see me through the trees.

It is much easier to follow a leader in motion.

So how does one follow when the leader stays still?

I'm sending the unicorn back to FA--the damn thing is stepping on my flowers.

Not Every Post Deserves a Title

My muse ran away. Can't say as I really blame it. I'm sure there are much more exciting places to be lol.

As usual, life is out to get me--evidenced by the fact that I wrote about hating going to the Post Office and ended up spending half an hour there trying to send off the nieces birthday presents. Only insane families have this many kids with birthdays in a two week span.

Unfortunately, said birthdays mean that thing1 and thing2 have been on my mind a lot (what's with that, when things are good with someone, I can not think about them at all. When it sucks, their on my mind all the time. Told you the universe was out to get me).
Thing1 seems to be of the opinion that we just need to "get over this". Uh huh. Apology at it's best. In all fairness, it wouldn't make a difference to me if she did say sorry...It just seems like the logical choice of action lol.
Alpha got irritated at me for refusing to answer thing2's call the other day...Yea...What can I say, I'm a slow processor or something.

That's about it here in the land of vanilla. With white icing. And vanilla sprinkles.
Yep, excitement reigns supreme.

Now where's my unicorn gotten off to?

Maintenance

 Not maintenance in the form of spanking. Those only happen because he can or wants to remind me that behaving is better than not behaving. No, that's not the kind of maintenance I need.

The kind of maintenance that reminds me he hasn't tired of our love.

There hasn't been a whole lot of Dominance and submission going on around here lately. I haven't been feeling well, fences with thing2 are badly damaged due to the broken fences with thing1, finances have been in less than stellar condition, in two weeks it will be two years since my father died, etc.
You get the picture. Life happens lol.

And there's something about our life that Alpha's fundamentally unhappy or unsatisfied with. When he figures out exactly what it is, I'll be the first to know.
The biggest problem I have surrounding this issue (besides the fact that I want him to be happy), is that I don't appear to be part of the solution. Not that he's running off to Mexico with a blonde or anything like that, it's just that nothing I do or don't do seems to make anything better.

But this isn't a whining rant. Really it's not!

He used to bring me flowers. I would tell him not to, and he'd do it anyways. Though for the most part, he switched to chocolate because well, chocolate is chocolate!

One mortgage, two kids, several generations of dogs, multiple family upheavals of epic proportions, fourteen years later, and I honestly couldn't tell you the last time he brought me flowers.

And you know what? I started to miss them. Yep, the woman who repeatedly used to say that flowers were nice, but not nice enough to spend money on.

Yesterday he brought me roses. And a card. Out of the blue, for no apparent reason.

Roses really are my favorite flower. And I think I like these more than any I have ever seen lol. And a written proclamation of eternal love and appreciation? Well that's a hard combination not to fall for.

And yes, the roses will whither and die because that's what flowers do. But the way I felt myself light up when I saw them? That's going to last long after they're gone.

On a not completely unrelated note, he used my mouth to cum last night. Then I asked to make myself cum afterwards and asked him if he knew when it was that I had done it last, he said "no, do you remember?". The truth is, I don't. A year? Two years? I'm not sure I even can any more...
He chuckled, rolled over and said, "fine go for it. but I'm not telling you when to cum!" Oh...."Ummm, please? That's really not fair you know. Okaay...I'm sure if I imagine it enough, that will work just fine for me!" I really wasn't sure, but you know, I figured it was worth a go.

Yea...He got tired of waiting for me to tear my clit off in desperation and decided to use me until he came again. And he told me to. So I got to cum too.
So the jury is still out as to whether or not I can actually still make myself cum. But I'm okay with that.

I say give me the roses and bring on the thorns.

Roses, a written proclamation of eternal love followed by some rough use and undeniable proof that I belong to him? Oh yes. That's the kind of maintenance I need.