Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*
This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.
See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.
Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.
Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.
See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.
The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.
We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol.
Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."
I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.
And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.
I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?