Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Me. Him. Her?

 For some reason, I have recently become obsessed with not allowing my drafts folder to pile up. So here's one from aeons ago (hey, in blogtime, months could be interpreted as aeons). You know, in the interests of cleaning house. Since mine currently has a mostly closed hole in the side. And he says we need to redo the roof. And since he's a creature of excess he's going to tear out and fix the floor too. And I'm trying not to have a conniption.
Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*


This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.

See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.

Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.

Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.

See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not  lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.

The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.

We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol. 

Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."

I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.

And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.

I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?


  1. This is something i have had issues with in the past so i understand how your feeling about it, having actually experienced it i can say for me the anxiety and fear i felt building up to it although was very real was in hindsight my own its not an issue.

    I think the biggest hurdle is to not see it as sharing him, he owns you, you submit to him, your relationship is secure, bringing another women in for sexual fun is not going to change that...the emphasis being on fun.....i seriously doubt he would be willing to jepordise what you both have.

    The biggest issue i had and still do was to see another submissive act submissive to him....the sex didnt faze me at all, i like to see him being pleased..but i felt a need to establish and make it clear he was my Master....but it very much depends on whether you want your dynamic acknowledged/known or not.

    My last bit of advice is if you do ever decide to pursue this, lots and lots of communication not just between yourselves but with a potential women...there needs to be an understanding that its primarily about sexual fun (if thats the gathering its not about entering a poly dynamic), it was important to me that its been women i have felt comfortable with and been able to have a laugh etc with them.

    anyway thats my ramblings.


    1. tori,
      as the first commenter, you get the official disclaimer--my day was long and my brain is fried, so I probably won't do the thoughtfulness of these comments justice.

      I tend to the jealous side. And I have decided that the roots of my jealousies lie in my own insecurities. Surprisingly, the realizations did help a bit. Kinda lol.

      I absolutely LOVE your second paragraph. It conveys a totally new perspective to me that I want to sit with and mull over. I think that's a concept that might really help me. Thank you.

      As to having the dynamic acknowledged, that would be a necessity. Probably more so for me than him. Our dynamic is what enables me to see it as an event that wouldn't be a bad thing. It also does wonders for my coping skills lol.

  2. No advice here, just sitting quietly and understanding what you mean.


    1. Thank you mouse. Somehow just hearing the understanding (or reading if one were to be picky), is a really comforting feeling.

  3. You are a bigger person than I. Not only would I not want to do, be able to do it, I wouldn't do it. I just want to wish you the best.

    1. sunnygirl,
      the bigger person bit is debatable lol. More conditioned perhaps?

      Thank you.

  4. perfect sense, says the woman battling the dragon in the corner.

    big ol' shoulder bump...

    1. Jz,
      *Shoulder bump.

      The dragon population round here seems to be rather large doesn't it?

  5. Master and I have talked about this at times also...

    I told Him anytime He really considered thinking about it or discussing it seriously, that the only way I would be ok with Him being with someone else was if the same applied to both of us. Which means I would also. He knows me well enough that I don't bluff...I am not interested in anyone else, and He knows that also.

    But my point was to make Him stop to consider how it would feel from the other side. Which He did, and He didn't handle the idea of me with someone else very well.

    And He knows me well enough to know that asking me to watch Him with someone else would end in a profoundly bad way for everyone. Possibly jailtime...

    Not very slave-like, but there it is...

    1. agog,
      I think we all have things that we are willing to be "more slave like" about than others lol. We are a whole, not just the parts that identify as being slave/sub. And that comes with lots of different feelings and thoughts.

      It's a discussion we have had many times.
      Interestingly enough, while being used by him and another man at the same time is one of my top "get off" fantasies, the reality of that probably has many more chances for me not being able to cope than this does.

  6. I don't think I could do it, but I think I understand the wanting to be 'able' to do it. I'm just not sure the reality would match the fantasy.

    Dee x

    1. Dee,
      I think that reality rarely matches the fantasies. Though I have made progress with this particular fantasy. I can't decide if that bodes well for reality or not lol.

  7. I am admittedly poly. my Sir has talked about doing something very similar. And there's a part of it that makes me very uncomfortable. I don't care if he has other partners. But to have it be about the watching, knowing he's watching me watching him. Being forced to watch some other woman with him? I don't like that one bit.

    I think there's a huge difference in slowly introducing a new toy, scene style, testing those soft and hard limits when it comes to just the two of you.

    Adding in a woman as a plaything for him...making you watch...that's nothing like the rest of TTWD. It may look similar, he may not even see a difference, but there is one.

    You're talking about adding someone else into that most private moment. You can never take that back. It adds someone else's emotions that you're not used to. Even if it's a one time thing, during that moment it'll be about someone else. That may be the tiniest aspect to it, but it's still there.

    As a reader, I get a very limited scope as to who you are. Yet I still caution both of you on this. People who have thought they've both wanted something like this have torn apart and ruined long standing relationship.

    1. simplyHis,
      I feel rather the opposite--I care very much if he has other partners. In fact, the thought makes me think very un-sub like things that would probably land me in jail with agog.

      But the thought of watching him with someone else is not something that makes me feel the same angst. At least not as much.

      This would not be a make or break event in our relationship. Yes, if it happened tomorrow, there would be a lot of issues that lasted beyond the experience, but it would not be a catalyst to breaking up.

      Thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. Given my state of tired I probably have not done it justice with my response.

  8. That makes sence. I have to totally agree with the redicilous nervousness that it would take to approach another person - YIKES! Good luck!

    1. SirQsMLB,
      I made sense! And I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who feels that way about approaching someone--it seems rather silly I guess, but it's an overwhelming feeling.

  9. I know exactly what you mean...I think of it a little differently though.

    I see it as having multiple people within me and they want different things. The submissive me that wants this and the wife and life partner that want him for me and me alone. Then there is the bat-shit crazy kinky me that just wants anything erotic.

    It is quite crowded in here!! LOL!!

    Good luck.

    1. Sss,
      lol. So many crowds and fire breathing dragons around here sometimes it's difficult to see straight!
      And I hear you on the bat-shit crazy part lol. It has a way of being rather overwhelming.
      Thank you.

  10. This is the one thing that I have really battled with in my relationship. Wanting to be able to do it without the green eyed monster clinging to my back is what I am aiming for..... that in itself will be life changing for this very insecure one.

    There are many different scenarios , there is play for fun, there is the heavy scene where another sub is involved submitting and pleasing your master. Our fear in all of them is that somehow we may be rejected by the one we love ...will he prefer her to me? etc and the dread of intimacy with another .. intimacy and emotion belong in a sacred place that only the two of us should share.

    It boils down to one thing and that is that whatever happens he comes back to you, you and he are a unit, you are his , he is yours, the others are visitors. Easier said than done but I am getting there.

    Thank you Lil thought provoking as ever x

    1. sophie,
      For me, realizing that my jealousies are based on my own insecurities was a huge leap. Though sometimes those huge leaps don't seem to carry me as far as I would like!
      And maybe saying it enough will imprint it into our brains? It's worth a try!
      You are quite welcome. Always happy to provoke thought. Even if I occasionally do feel the need to apologize for doing so lol.

  11. Makes sense to me - we talk about, joke about, even drool a bit over poly relationships but neither one of us could go through with it and I guess there is where I am lucky because I really do not think He would ever want to make me watch or such. But I strangely enough fantasize about it all the time despite knowing I could probably never go through with it without some severe emotional consequences.

    1. viemora,
      I like being first is the thing (well, after kids to an extent anyways), and I just couldn't share him, my life, and my space in a way poly would require lol.

      Fantasies are funny things aren't they?

      And those emotional consequences pretty much sum up why this is on the "pull out for contemplation of someday" list lol.

  12. I have discussed similar things also. Here's my problem, I want it and I want it bad....I would love to play with another woman. I just don't want Sir to touch her. That doesn't sound very fair and most definetly not sub like. How can I want and dread something so bad all at the same time!?

    1. jen nifer,
      I think we all feel very un-sub like at times!

      Want and dread is a feeling I am becoming rather familiar with. I'm not sure how things can work like that.

  13. Oh my! I am so impressed you discussed this. The first time He brought it up our dynamic only existed int he bedroom. I knew watching HIM with another woman who drive me insane - which also, btw, meant I would eventually have a phenomenal orgasm......certainly I knew that one large hangup would be my insecurity- I don't see myself as HAWT anymore, although I do get that He does (Bless Him)
    In our discussions we have agreed that IF this sort of thing should ever happen it would be about sex-not a relationship. I was NEVER intrigued by the thought of Him sharing me and in fact, bought into the surface level cultural thinking such an act would show lack of respect for me, the shared woman. I dreaded the thought, but submitting to the thought/His words of course brought on an orgasm and so slowly, as everything in this lifestyle, I've been conditioned to react [physically very positively and we all know what comes next.....Bring the body and the mind will follow.....Thanks for thought provoking posts!

    1. Saoirse,
      Thank you.
      Isn't it odd how that insane feeling is also the same one that makes it an appealing thought?

      And thankfully, neither of us sees any appeal in adding an actual relationship into our own.
      That whole not seeing myself as "HAWT" bit is my biggest hangup when it comes to these kinds of things.
      Would be nice if we could see ourselves as they see us. Even just sometimes...

  14. I guess we've all had these thoughts before.
    I too am really a jealous type. I feel that if I have surrendered to my HoH, then he has the responsibility to make me happy and take care of me - and only me.
    On the other hand, many men are polygamous by nature. They can have one night stands and have no emotions attached.They have a need to conquer - so they say.
    I have dreamed of watching my man make another woman moan and groan at his fingertips, while stroking his back and admiring his masculinity - proud to think he's mine. He probably would feel free knowing that my body is his territory, because I have no need for other men and that no matter how many women he uses, no other man will ever touch me. That would give him a great sense of security.
    But it is all fantasy, and there is always the day after where I know I would feel insecure and scared of losing him or being compared to another woman. Another Dom who does have sex with other women and his wife once said "why in hell would he ever give up a wife who lets him have sex with other woman?"
    I think personally, this is a dangerous area, and once you go down that road, you can never turn back.

    1. Anon,
      Fantasy is often quite different from reality because our insecurities don't play into fantasy as much--we can pretend they aren't there.

      I did a follow up after I wrote this post because it got such an overwhelming response.
      We wnet down the road once a very long time ago--it didn't work so well, but we're still going strong lol.

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