Finding Beauty in the Beast

It is interesting what we find when we pull away the layers of what we believe ourselves to be.
We see life in a new light when what we think is ugly becomes beautiful.

From an outside standpoint, tears are not pretty, pain is not graceful, and there is very little of what we call beauty in the raw state of being created when everything we think ourselves to be is stripped away.

Yet...There is beauty in the beast. Because stripping away the superficial takes away all that is impure, everything that is not truly real, and leaves us as we really are.

Underneath our fears, underneath everything we think we are are, behind what we want people to see, on the far side of darkness, beyond our inner scars and outer turmoil, there is beautiful and terrifying truth.

There is beauty in humiliation.
There is purification in pain.
There is freedom in bondage and control.
There is release in blood sweat, tears, and fear.

Daily life is very much about constructs--what we want people to see, who we think we are, the superficial aspects of reality wherein we place so much import.
But underneath it all, we are very basic and primal creatures.
Life is about birth, death, survival, love, joy, pain, blood, and tears.
So many of these things which to which we ascribe ugliness, are truly beautiful underneath the surface--because they transcend the superficial face that we place on our reality.

There is love in the sadist, and pleasure in the masochist.
There is freedom in slavery, and strength in submission.
There is danger in the beast, and safety at Master's feet.
There is blindness in the light, and purity in the darkness.

So much of what we spend time on and think about is superficial.
We get swept away by our need for survival, the demands of our cultures, our preconceived notions of beauty and propriety, the defining concepts of society, and the scars we carry from old wounds.
It becomes easy to forget that underneath it all, we are perfect beings struggling with being human.
Some of us want what we need, others need what we want.
And within all those struggles of being human, we forget the art of simply being.

There is ugliness in beauty, and there is beauty within every beast.
There is infinite release in being broken, and tender cruelty in the act of breaking.
There is cleanliness in BDSM, and denial in the pursuit of purity.
There is safety in vulnerability and danger behind walls.

I think that what is so attractive about the Master, is the seemingly conflicting fact that inside the white knight there lies a villain, within the rescuer lies one's abductor, and the purveyor of one's fears carries the ultimate security.

Perhaps what is attractive about the slave is placing the queen on her knees, the surrender when her will becomes one's own, the freedom of caging the untouchable, the beautiful truth that appears when she is stripped down to nothing more and nothing less than what she is--the owning of something truly wild and previously untouched by the world.

Sometimes, when we stop looking and close our eyes--we find that there is beauty in the beast.

It's Not About the Easy Things Is It

While I do believe that D/s shouldn't be a constant struggle, I also believe that it is very much not about the easy things.

If we only submit to the which comes easy or pleases us, then we are just having fun for fun's sake. Which is fine, but it keeps the act just that--a superficial act designed for our pleasure. Not the enhancement and growth of D/s in our relationships, or a deeper level of power exchange.

It's not really power exchange if I retain my ability to pick and choose our activities, how far we will or will not go, what I will or will not accept.

I think back to the beginning, and all those times when I was so sure he was doing it wrong.
All those thoughts came from my efforts to control where we were at, where we were going, and how we were going to get there.
That's all a bit contrary to submission (see, I'm capable of understatement too).

Even in those cases where I want to be pushed further; challenged more; taken a step or two beyond what I am comfortable with; when he refuses to do so, that in itself is an expression of power exchange. Even though accepting it isn't always easy.

But after all, submission and slavery, for all their inherent simplicity, are not always about the easy things.

Limits are very much about the illusion of comfort, a safety net to keep us in our safety zones--sometimes they are there to keep things easy. Oftentimes, they exist for a very good reason, but sometimes they are just buffers used to keep us where we think we should be.

I accept that the limits he chooses are the limits I live within.
Since we have things in common that neither of us would ever do, there was never really any negotiation about limits for us. He allowed me to think I had my own for a number of years. Eventually the illusion faded, and I accepted that the only limits I have are the ones that he creates.
It's not always easy, but very little worth having or doing is actually easy.

I think I'm on the road to recovery--I seem to be capable of excess rambling thoughts once again!

And I'm pining for a fix I cannot name in one word, a dose of my drug of choice, a feeding for my addiction...And even in denial of those things, I am reminded of what I am.
I am a piece on the board of his game. The stakes are generally high, but the rewards can be great.
Because ultimately, ttwd is not about the easy things.

A Very Cool Website

When we first began exploring ttwd, I found a website that I fell in love with.
While Alpha was not into reading everything my overzealous little fingers found, he did read quite a lot on that site, and we were both sad when we realized that it was no longer available.

But somebody saved her pages!

So, for anyone just starting out with D/s, who might have asked me where they could find good information, (or for anyone who hasn't asked for that matter) I recommend that you run over and check out the writings of Mistress Steel.
Steel's Chamber Scrolls (reprinted)

I am not familiar with the website's owner, and am far to busy getting acquainted with the couch to read his site right now, but I do know that the page I linked to with Mistress Steel's writing has a lot of great information written by her.

Random Insanities from the Sick Ward

"Why don't we play anymore?" Said in my best sick voice. He leaned back and gave me a warning look (my germs were clearly getting too close for comfort).

Why exactly is it that the cravings set in when I can barely breath and have been pronounced contagious and  untouchable?

Okay, so maybe they were setting in before lol. I made this small Christmas list you see. Think "Letter to Santa that you wouldn't want your mom to see. Ever."

He seemed to approve...Then eventually, he said "Get them."

Um...Here's the thing--both items were my idea. So if he was really interested, he would have ordered them right? And since he didn't, maybe he wasn't, so I didn't.
I'm sure that made perfect sense to someone...

Our undercurrents keep me steady. The subtle existence of power exchange keeps me sane through daily life. But sometimes? Sometimes I feel a bit like that little kid who wants to hang out at the playground. And yes, I have been known to drag my feet and beg for "Just a little bit more please?"

Of course, one must first get to go to the playground before begging to stay for more.
I'm trying to be good, but no one wants to play with a sick slut. Which would sound perfectly reasonable if said slut wasn't me lol.

Can we move straight on to Spring now?

This week, I have decided that life is the definition of insanity.

We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.

Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.

Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?

Isn't it Spring yet??

*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*

Formspring # 14, Happiness and Functioning Without A Dominant

"How do you satisfy yourself as a submissive without a Dom? It's like an overwhelming need, and I'm out of control, but since i don't have one...I need to somehow learn to be happy and function. Any advice?"

I never get questions that I know the answers to...

In all seriousness though, I have often heard that overwhelming need described as sub frenzy--"I need it, I need it all, and I need it now."
It's a pretty difficult and consuming place to be, and I think that many submissives experience it. Unfortunately, it can cloud our better judgement. It's a bit like being ruled by one's hormones as a teenager--there is so much new and wonderful to discover, that we pay less attention to self-preservation and reality than we do to the possibilities of getting what we want.

I think that it's important to find things that fulfill you as a person. One must own oneself and have a strong awareness of who they are before anyone else can own them and know them well enough to successfully Dominate them in a long term D/s relationship.

While I can see how your position could be difficult, you also have the opportunity to develop an understanding and knowledge of yourself and what you need before entering a D/s relationship.

My advice would be to focus on other things that make you happy, and work on coming to a deeper understanding of yourself.

Reality can be very different from the D/s we fantasize about, and the Dominant we build in our imaginations. When a D/s relationship is a thought form, it can be anything we want it to be--without the constraints and facts of reality.
In my opinion, keeping that fact in mind might help you to enjoy the reality that you have now, more than the reality you want in your future.
I doubt that many of us spend a whole lot of time swooning over the prospects of mopping and dirty socks.

I know that this was probably not extremely helpful, but your question was about something that I don't really have any experience with.

I have had a couple of Formspring questions where readers left brilliant comments that shed a tremendous amount of light on the subject.
Blogland tends to be a bit slow over the holidays, but I would advise checking back and seeing what others have to say.
Though I do think that, because submission and happiness are such individual things, you are ultimately the only person who can really figure out the answer to your question.

December...

I'm not hugely fond of people. Therefore, it's not much of a surprise that I despise going anywhere in December.
After taking my mother to the doctor in a different town, driving back to her town, visiting four different stores, and temporarily forgetting where I parked, I retreated home vowing not to venture out again until Christmas. A vow which I was gleefully informed that I did not have the authority to make...

In short--December is kicking my butt.

In other news, being the property of a grade A procrastinator is going to put me in the looney bin.
Seriously, there has to be some submissive manual that clearly outlines the proper procedure wherein reminding does not become "nagging," and there's a happy compromise between my idea that things need to be done "right now, (but preferably yesterday)" and his approach that things can be done "a day or two after day after the day after that."

It's funny in print, but it is actually one of my biggest submissive struggles...

Him

Some days Alpha is all I can think about. Seriously--if I wasn't married to him, I might qualify as a stalker of the highest caliber.

His hands in my hair...
His voice whispering sternly in my ear
making me keep still by pure force of will.
His hand wrapping around my throat, the motion rough and commanding, his eyes curiously detached as he gauges how long to hold on.

The heat of his hand as it rests on my sex
daring me to show desire, and melt in his fire.
The sweet desire in his voice as he tells me that I am beautiful, and the smile on his face as I moan in pain.
The love and tenderness in his eyes as he as he tells me sweet nothings, and refuses to stop hurting me.

That moment when we are no longer separate, but become one and the same--my yin to his yang.
That moment when the world stops just for us as he tells me that I was made for him, and that I will be his for all time.

The way he reaches for my hand when he hears something sad, and the set of his shoulders when he is irrevocably mad.
How he pulls me in close like he owns me more than I could have ever owned myself.
The way he gently kisses my forehead before I leave the house, and softly whispers, "Mine."

He is my addiction, my drug of choice, my oasis in the desert.
He is everything that I live for and more.

I watch life slip by like grains of sand, but it stops with the touch of his hand.
We become the beginning and the end, souls entwined through and beyond time.
As he whispers softly, "You were made to be my slave, and you will be forever Mine."

Today's Randomness...

"Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess."

 -- Thomas Merton

I found this quote today, and totally fell in love with it (falling in love with a quote--complete dorkiness I know). And yes, I really want to be here complaining about a multitude of things that make me irritable, but hey, I found other inspiration so I'm going with it.

In a way, even though I pursued him, (a fact that he still happily reminds me of) Alpha has always been the leader in our relationship. He was an adult when we got together, and I was not. I had already moved out of my parents house, and understood a lot of life concepts that many adults struggle with, but there's no substitute for time spent living in the real world.

He was the leader, but we had consistent power struggles. I used to wonder why we didn't evolve into a power exchange relationship years before we actually did. But I think that quote sums part of it up quite well--you can't surrender yourself if you don't know who you are, and you cannot be owned by another if you have never truly owned yourself.

By the same token, those years we spent before D/s were also important for Alpha to fine tune his self-control.

Perhaps Dominants are born (a debate I'll leave for another day), but Masters are made. And that making takes time. Kind of like the quote above only opposite--one must first Master themselves before they can Master someone else.

That's my randomness for today--I'll save the complaint listings for tomorrow after hauling two kids to work in the snow lol.

And just because I liked it:

"The Master is an artist , His slave the clay, with the whip He will shape her , with humility He will mold her, Some will admire her, But only the Master, not even the slave, will know her true beauty, for her true beauty lies in her love for her Master."

-J. Yednak-

I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman

I have been musing about this post for a while now--it seems like a concept that would go nicely next to "I Want My Husband to Dominate Me."
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.

The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.

I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.

So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.

It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.

If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.

If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.

So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.

Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.

Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.

What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.

Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.

The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.

And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying  that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?

Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.

This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.

Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.

Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.

Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.

Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.

I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.

"To fashion these blades, the smith not only must possess physical strength, but also patience, dexterity, and a refined eye for the limits of the material and the beauty of a finished sword."

 --Edward Hunter

"It has been said that the samurai's sword was his soul. Perhaps this deep attachment had something to do with the perfect melding of form and function found in the katana, as the famous curved sword is known in Japan. Invented a millennium ago, the katana remains a marvel of aesthetic beauty and skillful engineering."

—Rima Chaddha and Audrey Resutek

So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.

While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.

Tender Cruelty

Begging for tender cruelties

I am the voice of beauty and pain

begging to drown screaming in your rain

begging to be led

and dragged to your bed.

I am the un-sated desire

an ever raging fire

the voice that speaks in your dreams

begging for beautiful and obscene things.

I am the voice that whispers quietly in the night

I am the one bound to your dreams

I am the one who would set the beast free

begging sweetly for tender cruelty.

I am the voice of surrender and pain

I am the drops of rain as they fall upon your face

I am alive in the cold winter's night

I am the darkness inside every light.

I slip into your dreams

and set the beast free

begging softly for tender cruelty.

I am the beginning and the end

as your darkest desires 

whisper in my head.

I am everything we fear ourselves to be

yet you dreamed me into your reality.

Here I walk

somewhere between life and death

A soft breath

whispering in your ear

that we are everything we love and fear.

I am your darkest desires

bound by a thread

I am the whore in your bed,

all your desires waiting to be fed.

Beauty and pain

become one and the same

as I beg

for tender cruelty.

Keywords Revisited

Okay, I admit it--I keep a post in my drafts folder for these. But seriously, some of this stuff is too good to let go.
Most in this round aren't that funny, but some of them did make me raise my eyebrows (I'll admit that isn't very difficult).

"Pregnant submissive no electricity."
Oh good lord...I can't even poke fun at that one. That would be so totally crappy...I'm sorry?

"Sexy one liners submissive."
Well hmm, who's uttering the one-liners? I do like to think that people can come up with those on their own...I doubt they found anything useful here lol.

"Arrogant submissive."
Geeze...I clearly don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel arrogant...I'm only slightly offended though--after all, I usually am right.

"Definition monogamous whore."
Ooh, I like this one! Honestly, that's all I have--I can't even think of anything to joke about with this one because I know which post got them here.

"Things to fuck your submissive with."
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't inventiveness the whole point of such experiments...?

"Why I sent my husband to the whore."
Uh...Well, I must admit to some curiosity here--why did she send her husband to the whore?

And my very favorite, that called out loudly to the cynic in me:

"I want a submissive."
Oh by all means, it's easy! We all line up in the store windows on the third Thursday of every month. We're like a box full of kittens just waiting to come home and scratch your eyes out cuddle up to your feet.

I'll just leave the whole "French toast mindfuck" visitor behind me without further commentary...

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza--Orange Cake

Thanks to Jz for continuing to organize this delicious event!

I'm not good with cookies, but I am good with cake. So I decided to share a recipe for orange cake with an orange curd filling. There was a rumble of protest from Alpha regarding giving away family secrets...But he let me play anyways. 

The most important thing about this cake (and the curd), is to squeeze the citrus yourself--do not use pre-made juice!

Ideally, the curd should be made a day in advance of assembling the cake. It can also be made with lemon instead. No additional changes to the recipe are necessary as it was originally a lemon curd.

Orange Curd:
8 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup less 1 tablespoon orange juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Finely grated zest of 1 orange
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter cut into pieces

Whisk egg yolks and sugar together in a medium sized heavy bottom pan until smooth. Add lemon juice, orange juice, and zest. Place pan on medium heat and add butter, stirring occasionally until smooth and thickened (about 15 minutes). Remove from heat and place plastic wrap directly on surface of curd to prevent it from forming a skin. Refrigerate at least three hours--overnight is better.

Orange cake:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease and flour two 9" cake pans
Zest of 1 orange
1 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cup butter
3 eggs
3 cups cake flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
 Combine:
1 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice

Combine orange zest, sugar, and butter. Cream until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time.
In a separate bowl, combine flour, salt, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients in three parts, alternating with the liquid. Beat batter until smooth after each addition.
Pour into prepared pans and bake for 1/2 an hour, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.
Cool completely before assembling cakes with curd in the center.

I like this cake with a cream cheese frosting. Though I have never bothered to measure, so all ingredients are to taste. It's also perfectly delicious with a regular butter-cream frosting--just add a bit of orange zest. Either way, I would recommend that you avoid making it too sugary, as the orange curd is quite sweet.

Icing:
Cream cheese
half as much butter as cream cheese
generous amount of orange zest
powdered sugar

Below are the links to the other participants in the cookie exchange. Enjoy browsing all the goodies!

Advizor54

aisha

Ally

Autumn in jeans  

Beth

Dana

Elysia

Emi J,

Fiona

Greengirl

Hedone

HisLilAngel

Joey

Julia

Jz

Krissy

lil

Linda Long

Little Monkey

mouse (her recipe here, her blog here) 

Mrs. Soft Bottom

Ms. Constance

Naughty Kitty 

nilla

Penelope

Ronnie

Ryan Beaumont

Sassy

selkie, (her recipe here, her blog here)

Serenity

sin

Striving for Peace

TemptingSweets

Tom

Veronica

Who Owns Submission?

I use the term "My submission" fairly often. But while I do tend to phrase it that way, I have learned that it's not mine. It is Alpha's.

That's a tricky switch over in thought. But I think it is very much like dictating the terms of my submission. It leads to thought forms about how I should submit, instead of simply doing it how he wants.

If submission was mine, there would probably be very few 10 PM back rubs, no headache sex, no going to the Post Office, very little stepping outside my comfort zone, you get the picture--if it was mine I would do the things that I like to do.
And what exactly would be the point in that? For us, there really wouldn't be one. It would be a game for fun, and little else.

I happen to not subscribe to the school of thought that submission is a gift. Alpha believes differently, and maybe those differing views are part of what make ttwd work for us.
Though that is a post of it's own...
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both agree that submission isn't really mine--it's his. Gift or not.

I think that entering a relationship with the opinion that submission belongs to the submissive is healthy. An important safety net of sorts perhaps.
But if we hold to tightly to that approach, then we never actually surrender. We submit, we offer lip service to exchanging power, but we don't actually do it.
If we keep submission as our own, we remain in control.

In my opinion, submission begins as a choice. It's a choice we make every day during every interaction.
For some of us, we make that choice over and over for a lifetime. For others, there comes a point where we don't make that choice anymore, or as often--it just is.
I don't believe that one is better than another, they are what they are. And hopefully, the path we walk is the one that works best in our relationship.

If submission is the path to surrender, yet we hold tightly to it as being something of our own, we make complete surrender an impossibility. And in doing so, we keep ourselves from exploring an entire world of possibility.

He owns me. Therefore, it only makes sense that he owns my submission. It's a theory that is easier stated than lived, but I do believe it to be true.

Life Without Punishment

Life without punishment...
It doesn't sound very twue Master/slaverly does it? Maybe it's not, who knows (I'm sure someone out there thinks that they do).
Alpha doesn't punish me anymore.

Yes, there is usually instant discipline, but according to him, it's not punishment. You figure that one out on your own lol.
Send me the memo when you're done unraveling the mysteries of Masters.

I was sure that my brain circuitry was frying during that first few months. I may have even occasionally been a unspeakable bitch bit of a brat--just to see if I could get him to change his mind you know.

Yea...Once the man has made up his mind, no amount of snark or begging is going to change it.

But I have to admit that this whole "No punishment for lil," approach has accomplished a couple of things--there is no more acting out to feed a need for pain.
And I spend more time obsessing about correcting my own mistakes, and far less time thinking about what he should be doing about them.

I do still struggle in regards to equating punishment with care though--if he doesn't punish me, does he actually give a crap what I do?
Oh hush--logic has no place here!
His reply to such statements is usually something along the lines of, "Of course I care. I just want you to be a good girl and do as you're told because you want to please me, not because you'll be punished if you don't."

I have to admit, that sounds terribly logical...

But wait! I cannot allow something as clear and basic as logic to make sense! Oh no...Because then I would feel silly about my illogical little mind.

I do still have what I so affectionately named, "The punishment book." Of course, naming it that didn't magically bring back the punishment system. But it has helped me to remember the things I forget and hold myself accountable for them.
Though I must say, holding oneself accountable is a hell of a lot more difficult than having someone else do it for you.

Insanity

My day was nuts.

I did 7 hours worth of work in 4 (it hurts).

I had 2 traffic incidents that would have made me go seriously postal if I was more prone to mental breaks (seriously, it's a major peeve of mine when people drive like stupid maniacs with death wishes, then proceed to yell at me simply because I happen to be using the road too).

A rather intoxicated blood covered man followed me around the gas station trying to give me money (Your guess is as good as mine there. I don't look my best when I get off work, but it's impossible to look like a homeless hooker while wearing a hoody with 2 children and a checkbook in hand thank you very much!).

And yea...It took me 10 minutes to get a fire going when I got home--I swear that cardboard is fire resistant.

I wish I could find the riding crop!
On the bright side, kiddo hadn't found it when I caught him digging around in my room looking for Christmas presents...
That bedtime I have been begging for is sounding more and more attractive by the moment...

Recipe Exchange Reminder

I know that I mentioned this a while back, but it was kind of tacked onto the bottom of another post, and I feel like it deserves a post of it's own.

So, I just wanted to post a little reminder that it's nearly time for The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza , once again organized by the lovely Jz.

To participate, post a recipe on your blog on December sixth. It doesn't have to be cookies--any kind of goody is great (I'm no good with cookies myself). If you want to be on the official list of participants, just make sure that you contact Jz by December fourth with your name and blog URL.

Alpha grumbled a bit about giving away closely guarded family secrets when I told him which recipe I was going to share, but as long as none of you make it and bring it to our neighborhood, I think we're good lol.

It's lots of fun, and the more the merrier!

Girl

Girl.
I have been thinking about the term lately, and I'm not sure exactly why it's such a turn-on.
There are so many wonderful variations of use:

Good girl--be still oh my wobbling knees.
Bad girl--not quite as much of a fan of that one.
Girl--great by itself.
My girl--any form of address with "My" or "Mine" is delicious.
Little girl--okay, Alpha has been using this term occasionally, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I think he knows that, and he'll continue to throw it out there until I get over it.
Silly girl--yes, I do hear that one a lot...Can't argue with it...
Dammit girl--oh, I'm in trouble here. That shouldn't be hot...But it still kinda is.

So why is "Girl" in all its variations such a turn on?
It sounds a bit condescending...
And I'm a bit old for it to apply literally...
Maybe it's because it is a rather diminutive  term...

Oh I dunno...But I do know that I like it when he calls me "Girl." And sometimes, just that knowing really is enough.

Darkness is Not Necessarily the Absence of Light

As usual, I make no claims that this will make an inkling of sense to anyone else...My drafts folder has gotten out of hand again, and it feel a bit like having a cluttered house. So here's cleaning out the corners...

Overall, people (myself included) tend to view BDSM as the darker side of sex, desire, love, power...But there are different forms of darkness.

When I was seven, I had a dream of waking to a dark figure touching me and leaning over me asking me to go with him.. I told him no, that I was not for him. He repeated his request, and I gave the same reply and told him to go away. When I awoke for real, everything was as it had been in the dream, except that he was gone.

What struck me most about the dream (besides thinking that I was awake when I wasn't), was that the figure wasn't just dark--he was a complete absence of light. It is difficult to describe, and to this day I have never seen anything quite like it.
Laying in the garden contemplating the stars, is when I formed the theory that darkness is not the absence of light. But perhaps evil is.

I do love the darker pleasures--pain, control, humiliation, fear, giving myself to his sadistic desires...
But in those dark pleasure, there is not an absence of light.
There is a purity and sense of absolution that comes with giving in to my darkest desires at his behest and honoring his wishes, whatever they may be.

Oh yes--give me the darker pleasures that we whisper silently to lovers in the night, the ones we keep to ourselves because we are not always aware that we need not fear the darkness, the ones that wash away all that we think ourselves to be...

Because in the darkness there is purification and absolution, there is truth without the constraints of belief, and there is an unrivaled fire that warms me to the depths of my soul.

Because darkness is not necessarily the absence of light.

Family and the Choices We Make

Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.

We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.

Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").

I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?

Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.

I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.

Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.

Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.

At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.

And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.

We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.

Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.

That Which Dwells Inside

 I have been thinking again...

I do believe that compartmentalizing parts of oneself can go a long way to avoiding immediate and extreme mental trauma. The problem is, it's not healthy to keep parts of your self locked up for ages on end--it has to come out sometime.
Every part is essential to the whole, and ideally we integrate all that we are into a healthy and complete form. Sounds great...

But the longer you keep part of yourself separate from the rest of you, the harder it is to reintegrate.

This pretty little critter ties in with something about myself that I have been thinking on quite a bit lately. It might not all tie together smoothly, or in a way that makes sense to anyone else. So for that I apologize in advance and say: At least you get a cup (or two), of coffee out of it right?

An often timid lover, I am generally shy and reserved, with a low sex drive...

I consider myself to be a rather desire/sexually repressed person. All of it self-imposed. My theories regarding the reasons for that are probably floating around here somewhere already.

The thing is, I see that part of me as very much like the creature in this picture--a beast that is not easily controlled, often misjudged, and very very dangerous.
Unlike the picture, it is not simplistic. Or perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the most simplistic and basic thing of all.

As animalistic as it is, the creature is also very much like a raging fire.

A very long time ago, I took that fire and tucked it away. Ever since it peeked out, I have known that I couldn't control that part of me. So I attempted to extinguish it's spark as best I could. But there it still sits, very much like this

And there it burns. Too hot to touch, too strong to extinguish, too dangerous to release, too terrifying to acknowledge.
Trust in Master to control it you say? A logical and valid solution, I'll admit.
But there is no logic here, and many things are easier spoken than experienced. His ability to control the fire is not in question...After all, the yearning to escape my own confines is merely in order to enter those of his making.

The creature of my darkest desires, my wanton abandon, the whore I hoard inside...she is beautiful. Deadly and dangerous, she stalks my mind. For now I am prey. But if she should come out to play, I become predator.

For that part of me, there is only dark desires. A willingness to do anything in order to feed the needs of that hungry beast. She is insatiable and wanton, with no care for those who stand in her way. The ultimate whore in predator form.

Yes, Alpha would match her every step of the way. Because inside, he is all of that beast and then some.
I think that he keeps it contained to a certain extent, in consideration of me.
Yet I wonder...
Would it be possible for him to truly love the beast? If she could not be controlled, she would be contained, forcefully chained back into her cage. He has said as much.

Yet still I wonder. And watch the flames as they quietly flicker...

The Second Half of Liebster

So ancilla had some questions that I thought were very good...A few of them just got the squirm/denial factor of my mind going full force, so I decided to put my answers to her in a post of its own. And I'll do 11 more facts about us.
Sorry that this ended up posting on Thanksgiving ancilla. Thank you for thinking of me!

1. "When did you realize you were 'kinky,' if ever?"
Oh...Ouch.
Six or seven years ago in a yahoo chat room when a Dominant approached me I guess. At that time it was more of a game than anything else. The realization hit home when Alpha caught me and decided that if I wanted to play, it would be with him and him alone. And it wouldn't be a game.

2. "What is your favorite fantasy?"
 Now who doesn't do easy questions? Sigh.
Begging to suck another man's cock while Alpha fucks me. And getting permission after sufficient begging and humiliation.

3. "What is the fantasy that you wish would get out of your head, but keeps coming back, if there is one?"
Oh for fucks sake! *Squirms down in her chair and tries to disappear.*
I guess it would have to be being caged and used against my will then rescued.
I have a valid hypothesis as to why that one won't go away...

4. "Where do you feel most at home?"
My first response would be the valley I grew up in where I still live. But it doesn't feel very much like home when Alpha is away, so I'm going with wherever he is.

5. "What do you most want from the person you are with, whether that is a partner/Dom/sub/slave/Master?"
Do I have to pick one thing? Foremost I would say control. Of course, there's love, loyalty, truth, and trust too...As Alpha would say, "I want it all baby."

6. "Why do you write a blog?"
I'm a (mostly) shameless addict, and I enjoy the interaction it allows me to have with others...
Sometimes to tell Alpha the things I can't bring my mouth to say, sometimes because getting the thoughts out of my head and quiet the noise, sometimes to make sense of things that I am trying to understand.
I suppose it depends on the day...

7. "What is your favorite TV show?"
Oh I dunno...Could I go for an unlikely pair and say The Middle and Walking Dead?

8. "Favorite desert?"
Anything with coffee or chocolate. Preferably both.

9. "Favorite time of day?"
Believe it or not, early morning just as the sun begins to light up the sky.

10. "Do you believe in God/ are you a spiritual person?"
I do consider myself to be a spiritual person. I don't know that it would be correct to say that I believe in "God" though. Religiously I have always identified as Pagan. I feel that, while she might not be gentle in the use of her own, the Mother has always done right by me.
Overall I would have to say that I believe all Gods/Goddesses are one and the same--we simply give them names and meanings that are easiest for us to comprehend and identify with.
It is the intent behind our prayers that matter. Not the name and face we choose to give that which we believe in.

11. "What is your favorite sexual position?"
This question shouldn't be complicated should it?
Ass up, face down, with his hand on my back. Given my physical limitations, on my back with him beside me is the surest way for me to enjoy myself though.

Now, in a moment of insanity, I did say that I would come up with 11 more random things about Alpha/us didn't I?

1. We always disagree about who finished the coffee--it's become a daily tradition. Only problem is...I never win.

2. He is positively gorgeous dressed in black (yes I'm biased, and yes it's still true).

3. At full height, Alpha is 9 inches taller than me.

4. Few things are sweeter than watching him hunkered down in a group of small children.

5. I'm asthmatic and Alpha pays very close attention when depriving me of air. Though he says that being choked makes me wet--like pushing some magic button. I'll neither deny or admit to that.

6. He tells me that I can do anything he says I can do. Oddly enough, I believe him.

7. He seems to believe that laundry baskets are for decorative purposes only. I have spent fourteen years trying to persuade him to see the error of his ways--to no avail.

8. He can start a fire without paper or a lighter in the time it takes me to walk to the bathroom.

9. There was an impressive display of lightning and thunder on our wedding day. Some said the Gods gave us their blessing, or maybe complained--but either way, they were watching.

10. Alpha always believes me when I say that the car made funny sounds when I was driving--even if they don't happen while he's in it.

11. He rarely does it, but Alpha is a very good cook. Though the obscene mess he usually leaves in the kitchen makes me cringe...

Liebster Times Three...Okay, Maybe Two

The sweet sunnygirl, gracious Ward and June, and the darling ancilla_ksst were all kind enough to nominate me for the Liebster thingy.
So a big thank you to all of you for thinking of me!

I'm going to break it into two posts and answers ancilla's questions in the second one. Because some of hers made me squirm, and this was promising to be an excessively lengthy post even for me.

So here's the rules (some of which I am going to ignore completely of course),
Post 11 random facts about self and answer the questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award on to 11 other blogs and notify the bloggers you nominated.
Write out 11 new questions for the people you nominate.
You cannot give the award to the person(s) who nominated you.
Paste the award picture on your own blog.

I'm still worn out by the One Hundred Things About Me post 1 and post 2. So you will get 11 random things about Alpha/us in this post and 11 in the next post when I get to ancilla and some of her squirm inspiring questions.

I'm not going to nominate 11 blogs--I'm going to go a different route that I thought was fun because I got to play on someone elses blog (is elses really not a word? Blogger swears it isn't). I'll ask my readers questions instead in hopes that someone wants to play.

Okay, so 11 random facts about Alpha/us and possibly me, in this post, and 11 in the next one, is fair right?

1. The first topic of conversation when we get in bed is almost always how cold my ass is. Accompanied by an offer to warm it up of course.
2. When Alpha wraps his hand around my throat, his fingers almost touch.
3. He thinks that my occasional little rebellions are "cute" which takes all the wind out of my sails.
4. For as long as I have known him, Alpha has always had at least one wolf hybrid.
5. Alpha says that I have never seen him be mean. It's a subject of debate that I think I might have won--I have never seen him be cruel.
6. I prefer dogs to cats. What can I say, the male species has, overall, always been a bit easier for me to get along with. Sorry, couldn't resist...
7. My pain gets him off--only if it's getting me off.
8. Alpha is the only person who has ever given me an orgasm.
9. The meanest thing he does on a regular basis is refuse to let my icy toes get within eight inches of him when we go to bed.
10. Alpha has a thing for blonds but I'm brunette.
11. He has been known to work 24 hours straight at times. Leading to the occasional woman asking me if I thought his entire crew was cheating on their wives (my answer was no in case anyone was wondering).

So, the questions from sunnygirl are:
"Do you prefer coffee or tea?" Oh, coffee all the way.
"Are you Democrat, Republican, or Independent?" Democrat. Though I've become pretty disillusioned with all of them. Best of two evils and all that good crap.
"How do you eat an Oreo cookie?" Have to take them apart, eat the filling off one side, then save the side without filling for last.
"Do you prefer to drive or fly when traveling?" Definitely drive.
"When do you open your Christmas presents?" On Christmas day first thing in the morning--my mom used to make me wait until after breakfast (only day of the year she cooked breakfast), and it drove me nuts as a kid.
"What's your favorite time of the year?" Spring. It's awesome.
"Do you prefer to read actual books or use an E reader?" I will never own an E reader--stories are meant to have the tactile experience that comes with turning a page and smelling books.
"How do you prefer being spanked?" When I'm not in trouble.
"Were you urged to write a blog by PK?" No.
"What kind of car do you drive?" Subaru.

Questions from Ward and June:
"What is your favorite pizza topping?" Anything Alpha puts on it that one time a year he makes pizza from scratch.
"What is your favorite eye color?" I would say green...But I have developed a soft spot for those big dark brown eyes that can melt ice.
"Who is your favorite actor/actress?" Oh geez...I don't really have one.
"What is your favorite way to connect with your partner?" Anything that involves me not having any control.
"What is your favorite spanking memory?" Um...Cant pick one. My brain gets fuzzy.
"Who do you find inspirational?" That is dependent on the day or moment to moment.
"What is your favorite article of clothing?" Hands down, it has to be the hooded sweatshirt. Sexy right?
"If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would it be?" Oh crud, I don't know--I don't pay much attention to famous people.
"If you could have any one wish, what would it be?" To know without a doubt that I would not outlive my husband or children.

In the spirit of rule breaking that won't get me in trouble, I'm going to ask my readers questions. Oh please won't you play? You can leave it here in the comments or run off to your own little corner with it.

1. What was your funniest spanking/Ds experience?
2.What do you think defines someone as "good" or "bad"?
3. If you could pick one thing to do before you die, what would it be? I'm not picky about logistics like gravity or finances here.
4. If you had to pick one thing that pisses you off more than anything else, what would it be? Just one, I know--it's unreasonable isn't it.
5. What always makes you smile no matter how bad things are?
6. If there was one thing that you could teach the world, what would it be?

I'll keep it down to six because I think that increases my chances of someone playing along lol.

It Is What It Is Because I Am What I Am

With each strike, I saw my defiance reflected in your eyes. And with the pain, I felt that maniacal laughter that falls somewhere between yield and refusal.
As the blows crept across my thighs, falling anywhere within your reach, I saw your silent plea for acquiescence. That you felt it had been enough and were receiving no satisfaction from my pain.

Yet still I refused to obey. Wondering somewhere in my mind where the line is when cracks form.

I felt the tears from unbidden in my eyes. Distantly wondering why now, why now should pain cause tears? Realizing from outside myself that, while I have been disciplined to tears in the past, the tears were always born of your disappointment and my repentance.
 And in that moment, there was nothing. No thoughts, no echoing of my own unspoken words echoing in my mind. Just...Silence.

Perhaps things would have gone differently had I accepted the silent invitation to sit at your feet. Instead I had ignored the flicker of your eyes, and sat screaming inside my mind for want of blind need.

You gained my acquiescence. The pain faded, yet the tears continued to fall. Knowing inside, that it is what it is because I am what I am.
Or perhaps, I am what I am because it is what it is.

You asked me to speak my mind, and I wondered how it is possible to scream words silently over and over in my mind...And have no words roll off my tongue.

When I had completed the task you had set me and you grabbed me by the hair, shoving your cock down my throat, I reveled in the feeling of your hand entwined in my hair, forcing me into that which I longed to do.

I know you realized the extent of your control over me long before I did. I know it was where you planned to take us all along. But I wonder...Do you realize how badly I have grown to need that control?

In bed later, I resisted the melting of my bones as you buried yourself inside me, and wrapped your hands around my throat.
I cried. Saying that I had lost my place and didn't know where I belonged. You whispered sweetly that I belonged right here. With you.
You paused, commanding me to relax.
My body and mind melted under your touch as I surrendered to all that we are.

In the end, you asked me to once again speak my mind. And the words, the only words I had and knew, came pouring out, "I don't know how to be happy anymore if I can't feel your control. I need to be at your feet."

Drifting off to sleep with your fingers wound in my hair, I knew peace. Because you have allowed me to take my place at your feet.
And it is what it is because I am what I am.

He Does Still Read Here...

Well then...Think he was sending me a message by leaving the blog up this morning? Apparently he does still read here...He was just waiting for me to post one of those rare whines where I sound completely dissatisfied with life and quite a little childish lol.

I think that kind of post does have it's place though.

I don't regret it because I think it's important not to just show the good times. I think that only writing about the best, gives beginners especially, a skewed view that is unfair. This is reality after all.
Also, I have literally nowhere else to vent.
To say that communication isn't my strong point would be giving myself extra credit on the issue. So it rarely goes well when I vent such things to him if we are a already a touch out of synch.

I do regret that it hurt his feelings a bit (I am reminded of a comment Kitty left recently saying that she didn't see her husband with a blog whining about her not submitting right). Such was not my intention. You know what they say about the road to hell and all...And yes, if I had really thought he was going to read it, I would have probably toned down the "Malcontent" a bit. That was a difficult word to comprehend when he said it at 7 AM as I was blearily reaching for the coffee...

At least I now recognize it for what it is though right? Cycles go up and down. It is the nature of life.
There was a time when I would have just thought the sky was falling.

I don't regret that last post...But I do regret that it hurt his feelings.
There are some drawbacks to having a public forum in which to spill any thought that comes to mind...

Just A Little Bitch With My Whine

I have never claimed not to be a whore for my husbands attention. I'm an attention whore for him, and always have been.
He's not a fan of the behavior that manifests itself during said bouts of whoring around.

I have gotten better about it (I think), I feel it coming on and often try to find something else to do with myself besides being a pain in the ass.

In this case, I don't think it's an attention whore thing, though perhaps he would disagree (but he won't because he doesn't read here anymore, and to call our current communication spotty would be exaggerating its merits).

Here's the thing--I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. Not in the dramatic sense of, "Omg, he doesn't love me anymore, the sky hath fallen and life as we know it will never be the same again!!"
Not like that.

Things have been a bit of a mess lately. Our oldest boy began displaying a continuous stream of horrid behavior that culminated in an epic showdown between him and Alpha that quite frankly scared the shit out of me.
I sent kiddo to grandma's for a week. I'll pick him up Tuesday.

Alpha is working his ass off. And when he's not, he's "Just trying to de-stress." Which is fine...But absolutely none of that has anything to do with me. Yes, he's providing for us, and when he's home, we're together...
But that's it--we're in the same room while he  lives in the world that is online chess and I give up and drift into the wonderful fantasy land that is books.
And there enters the feeling that he is no longer interested in me.
I believe Alpha when he says that he needs me and is madly in love with me (okay, so the "madly" bit I might doubt just a little some days).
But I'm safe. I'll be here for him no matter what. He's comfortable with me, which I think is generally a good thing in a relationship.
No one wants everyday of their marriage to be shit tons of work. And he's not the kind of Dominant who wants to micromanage. He wants me to be a good girl and that is that.

Lazy love is fine. We all need it, and we all do it sometimes. Lazy Dominance is even alright at times. Lazy submission is a bit harder to pull off, but I have been guilty of my fair share like now, make your own damn cookies.
But when said Dominance begins to end at, "Rub my back and make me cookies" on a regular basis?
We deteriorate into former power struggles where we snap and argue over pointless things. That space where we are safe to express any feeling or thought disappears...

I don't think that he should have to micromanage me. I don't think that, after six years, he should have to make me submit. I don't think that he should have to struggle with me for what we both want. And of course, there is that ever present ebb and flow of cycles that is inevitable in all things.

My submission is probably not as selfless as it should be.

But...

I have yet to learn how to submit and serve graciously when it takes the form of meeting demands for food and rubbing out the kinks--and little more.

He loves me deeply. Most days, he even likes me quite a bit. And the feeling is mutual.
But I am safe. A security that he knows will always be here.

And I can't help that creeping little feeling, that just maybe, he is no longer really interested in me. Because interest is not necessarily a requirement for love.

Formspring #13, Playtime...And Other Random Goodies

 Since I have a problem staying on track, and my brain is currently imploding for the second day in a row, I dunno where this is going to go...

"Lil, how do you manage to play with children in the house, some things just can't be done quietly."

I suppose that if one had a large house, this wouldn't be much of an issue. We don't. So it is.

Quite simply, we avoid certain things except for the 2-3 times a year my mother watches the kids. Slavery is so sexy and hot right? Lol.
Then all bets are off and if the neighbors didn't hate me so much, they'd probably call the cops.

Sometimes we put them to bed with the stereo on and turn it up a bit after they go to sleep. That and ripping pieces out of a pillow with my teeth seem to be somewhat effective methods of noise control.
There's actually quite a lot that you can get away with...

I think that this is one of the reasons our encounters usually tend more towards the mental aspects (that and it was a natural progression for us I guess).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other completely unrelated news, it's almost time for the Third Annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! It is organized by the lovely Jz, and she has set the date for December 6th. If you have a recipe and want to participate, make sure to send her your name and blog URL by December 4th--that way she can put you on the link list for December 6th posting.

Stop by her blog for the full story and contact information. It's really lots of fun--where else are we going to get secret family recipes to add to our repertoire?

Alpha accused me of giving away secret information when I told him what recipe I wanted to do this year lol.

If anyone wants to participate but doesn't have a blog of their own, I'll be happy to post their recipe here on the 6th when I post mine (just email it to me ahead of time). I promise that I won't even steal all the credit for it. 

One can never have too many recipes for goodies.

I'll mention it again closer to the actual date.

Now my imploding head and I are going to go contemplate all of that cleaning I had planned for today...Plans are good right?

Life and Other Complaints

I cut my own hair for years. As a result, it was...Well, lets just say that I'm no genius with scissors. I started going back and actually getting it done right this spring. I left with layers because the only way to even it all out would have been to chop it all off.

Alpha is a bit particular about my hair. It's "Whatever you want, as long as it's what I want," kind of things. He likes it long, no dye, nothing drastic, long bangs are fine.

So before he drops me off, he reminds me that he had better like the results--I know what he likes and he expects to see what he likes the way he likes it.
And I get nervous immediately.

See, here's the thing--When I say "I want a trim and long bangs, nothing drastic," hair stylists usually hear "Cut it all off!"

She said "Two or three inches."
She took off four or five.

Not a huge difference perhaps...I'll admit that it doesn't sound like a big deal anyways.
But when I looked in the mirror afterwards...It sure looked like a lot.
And I had already been doing the "I hope he's happy with it, I hope he's happy with it. Will he like it? Will he like it?" Dance. For, Oh I dunno...Two days.

Needless to say, I was a bit nervous when I walked out to the car...

He does like it--it passed the mandatory test. Meaning that he wrap it around his fist and grab me by the back of the head in order to propel me into the front of the fridge.
And it won't require anymore drastic fixing because I'm not allowed to cut my own hair anymore lol.

Getting a haircut you like becomes more challenging when it's not really about what you yourself like.
It's one thing if I don't like it--another thing completely if he doesn't.

Then today I went to work...And it's really a favor because this woman can't meet my minimum hours. It takes me longer to drive there and back home. Seriously.
But she didn't have me in her schedule for today because when I left a note exactly two weeks ago saying "See you in two weeks," she thought I meant "Two full weeks."
Um...It is, and always has been, Wednesday every other week. That's twice a month, or every two weeks. However the hell you want to look at it--it's two "Full" freaking weeks--same day every time (the day she arranged mind you).

Last week a different client forgot to leave my check. My favorite client decided to pick up the tab for the forgetful one.

But seriously--I'm good at what I do, I get payed well, I don't get nearly enough hours, I can't physically handle the amount of hours I need, and I don't really like the work.

Some days it's just not that appealing. Especially after the 2 1/2 hours of driving for nothing.

Now I'm going to go help Alpha set a window in the boys room.
For some reason the insane man, unlike my children and my mother, trusts me with breakable objects..

Learning and Relearning

I was writing my last post, then I read a post somewhere else, then I started thinking...You can see where this is going right?
I recommend caffeine.

When two people begin a relationship, we learn how to interact with each other. Each person learns about the other, and we develop certain habits of interaction.

If we start out on an equal power footing, it becomes necessary to, in part, relearn how to interact as a couple.
I think it's fair to say that we are (hopefully), always growing and evolving together. Regardless of the dynamic of our relationships.

If we think of a relationship as its own little world (bear with me here), we realize that there are many key elements that combine to make it sustainable. Everything is symbiotic and there is a cyclical occurrence wherein each part makes the existence of the other possible.

Earth is an amazing and extremely complex expression of symbiosis. An amazing ecosystem that requires a delicate balance to keep all aspects functioning properly.
And so are relationships.

Occasionally change or outside elements disrupt the established symbiosis of a relationship and we have to adapt.

We interact as humans do--we laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. We become...Us.
Then the concept of a shift in power rears its inspirational little head. And the cycle of our relationship as we know it to be changes.
We are what we were, yet we also become something else.

Suddenly, we are forced to relearn our interactions. We still laugh, cry, grieve, love, and live. But symbiosis as we knew it begins to take on a different form.

The balance and needs of our little ecosystem as we know it begin to change.
In the past, we learned about each other and how to interact. Then suddenly, we discover that we have a lot of relearning to do if we are going to keep our little ecosystem functioning.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that, because we have already learned something, we are done learning everything.

If we do not adapt to the process of relearning our relationships after a shift in the power dynamic, we upset that delicate balance of our personal little ecosystem. Because each part of our world is dependent on the other for proper functioning, the self-sustaining cycle crashes and can no longer support itself leaving us wondering what went wrong.
When really? We just forgot that evolution is a process which requires adaptations to be made along the way. Because we will never know all there is to know. And once we learn everything we need to know in this life? We are done living.

The process of learning and relearning each other and the necessities of our own little worlds is journey we all take in one form or another.
And sometimes? Sometimes it's more about the journey than it is about the destination.

Well, that and too much coffee maybe.

Keeping Up My End of the LOL Day Bribe Part II

One Submissive to Another kindly accepted my LOL day bribe, and had this to say:

"Ive got a question/thought
Here goes hope it makes sense,
The D/s aspect of our relationship has been a complete relationship shift. I have been the one in charge for 5 years and when we decided that we were going to have a D/s relationship, he became the one in charge. At home I am very submissive, i know my place and i love it. However in public and around family and friends it seems old habits die hard. Its been almost 2 years and i still really really struggle with it, he gives me that "watch it look" when i do it but it doesn't seem to stop me most times. I was wondering if you ever had trouble with that? My ass has been consistently sore for two years now lol." 

Yes, before D/s, this was a bit of a problem for us. I was never in charge, but adapting was still difficult.

Now, he expects a bit of sass when we are with family or friends--for some disturbing reason, he thinks it's fun to propagate the misconception that I am a mean woman with a bad temper who rules the roost.
Ludicrous right?
Okay, so maybe the temper part is right, but the rest of it is clearly erroneous propaganda on his part.

I no longer have a problem with my behavior in public or around friends. The "Look" pretty much does it for me these days.
For me, the most consistent struggle with this sort of thing comes in shifting from "In charge" mode when I'm functioning out on my own, to not in charge. That primarily manifests itself at home though.

When it came to staying in my place in public and around friends, it was easier to adapt to when I looked at it as an issue of respect.
I respect Alpha tremendously. Therefore, I want to see him treated with respect. If I don't give it to him in front of others, I can't very well expect them to do so.
I am very much a reflection of him. I feel that it reflects poorly on him for me to display attitudes or controlling behavior towards him in the presence of others (when we're alone, it just reflects poorly on me).

Often we want people to view us a certain way. I don't care so much how people see me, but I do care how they see Alpha.
I want my presence to bring him more respect, not less.

So yes--I have had trouble with that. But I have found that taking a different view of my behavior has helped tremendously.
Even if it didn't manifest as obvious disrespect that anyone would notice, looking at is as being about respect really did make a difference for me.

I am, by no means, implying that you are disrespectful--just that shifting my perception has helped me personally to remember my place in circumstances outside of the house.  Sometimes a little shift in perception changes everything.

When we make that shift to D/s, there are certain things that we have to relearn. Some come easy, some take time. Okay, so not a whole lot comes easy lol. But it's worth the time.

I hope this addresses your question/thought--I'm having a terribly off day lol. But I did say I would get to this today.
I tried!

This whole submission thing isn't easy is it?

Keeping Up My End of the LOL Day Bribe Part I

I got three questions/thoughts. I'll give the short answers first, then I'll tackle the big one tomorrow.
It seemed entirely to cheap to put them all in one post lol.
The third one (in all fairness, it was probably first in line), actually requires some thought, so I would like to at least make an attempt to do it justice.

Joolz asked if there is as much snow where I live as currently appears on my blog.
Not yet! Though we are due for it tonight apparently. Right now it's just busy raining on my uncovered wood pile...
Chances are, my blog will acquire a warmer appearance as soon as there's a foot of snow in the yard lol.

ancilla_ksst asked what Alpha and I think about sharing/playing with others.
I think that I pretty much covered that here. Then I expanded on it here because it got a lot more attention than I had anticipated lol.
The short version is that its not something we do, but we have thought of it as a possibility/option. So it's not something we wouldn't do.
I may have had a touch too much coffee again...
Feel free to come back and harass me if those posts didn't cover it to your satisfaction!

Dear Lurkers

We call visitors who visit silently lurkers.

Did you know that there's a day dedicated just to you? Yep, really there is--today!
Today various members of Blogland will be posting in your honor and hoping that you de-lurk for just a moment to say hello to us.

Thanks to Bonnie of  My Bottom Smarts for coming up with the idea of Love Our Lurkers day. I think that many of us bloggers enjoy it tremendously, and it's nice to acknowledge our silent visitors.

I know that you come through quietly, leaving only a blip on my dashboard to tell me that you were here. And I'm sure that there are reasons for your silence. So if you don't want to say hello today, that's okay--I appreciate you anyways.

I have this theory that lurkers, are for the most part, people who are really searching for something. And I do hope that you have found something here upon occasion--even if it was nothing more than an excuse to consume copious amounts of coffee in an attempt to make sense of my mad rambling.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret secret--at least 3/4 of the bloggers around here were originally lurkers. I am a recovering lurker myself.
I lurked for years. I even did a lot of lurking after I started this blog. Believe it or not, I'm actually a rather shy person.

I know that some bloggers will be generous and offer bribes such as receiving a swat for each comment on their Love Our Lurkers posts.
Having some personal experience with masochists, I know that inside every good masochist is a sadist just waiting for the opportunity to pounce. So I will not be brave like them lol.

However, I did try to think of something you might like that would be at least semi-painless for me (apparently I'm still working on that whole "selfless concept).
So...I thought that I would turn my blog over to you--if there's a subject or a particular question that you would like me to tackle in a post, but have been to shy to mention or ask, let me know in a comment or an email.
I'll do a post on that subject.
If you arrive here and see that others have already left comments with ideas, don't let that stop you from making a request of your own--I'll do them all (no physics, or math please. I can be a bit slow). By the same token, if you read this the day after today, or sometime further down the line, don't let that keep you from leaving a comment!

I know that's probably a poor attempt at bribery, but bribes have never been my strong point lol. Maybe next year I'll be braver...

I do love my lurkers and their day. So much so that I usually go around and comment on blogs where I don't lurk...Just to say hi lol.

If you want to go on quietly about your day, I don't mind. But I would love it if you took a just a moment to say hello.