Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dictating Terms of Submission

So I had this light-bulb moment where I realized that, while I no longer attempt to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, I still can't seem to quit trying to dictate the terms of my submission.
And there it sits, my uncomfortable, brilliant (albeit possibly quite obvious), little realization. And I haven't a clue in hell as to what to do with it.

I know it's not good and that I need to work on it. It seems to me like the antithesis of submission. The more I think about this, the more it bothers me.
I'm not sure if my realization was a sign of growth, or the fact that I try to dictate the terms of my submission says terrible things about me as a sub lol.

But that's about all I got.
Does it have something to do with the fact that I still seem to view it as "my" submission? See what happens when I try to answer questions? More questions.

In an attempt at a semi clear thought process...
I do believe that there are instances where it is important to dictate the terms of one's submission. Pick your jaw up off the floor. I know I'm trying to get over it, but that doesn't mean everyone should--a new relationship is a good example of where it would be good to dictate some terms of submission for your own well-being.

Now that I have satisfied my moral obligations, more mememe.

I think that, in the past, when I attempted to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, it was very much about wanting him to do it "right." In other words, my way. Which is really completely backwards and so...Anti the whole concept of D/s and many of the things we both value in ttwd.

Dictating the terms of my submission is saying "I will submit when, I will submit if, I will choose to submit as I wish, not as I am told, I will submit on my terms, not yours."
Hmmm, not pretty is it?

So how exactly does one go about stepping over this particular hurdle? Not a metaphorical question lol.


I wrote that a couple of weeks ago...And I'm hoping that as I sit down to finish it, maybe I will see more revelations than I reached before. Maybe. Lol.

Neither one of us wants a power exchange relationship that exists within constraints of my making. And yes, I have always been a fan of getting my way. Surprised right? Lol.

The thing is, by attempting to define the terms of my submission, I stalled our growth without even seeing it. Because after all, I no longer attempted to define the terms of his Dominance, and it's always a bit harder to look inside that out.

So now that I see I do it, where to from there? I guess "why" is a logical next step (for someone who thinks too much anyways). And I do believe it's because I see us as being at a fork in the road--it's further into the abyss, or scratching desperately for a way out. 
Limbo isn't a long-term option--Alpha will float with me for a bit, but limbo is not a state he will allow us to stay in for long. Which is good, because I hate it too, but seem to be the one who lands there most often.

And further into the abyss...Well it's kinda scary you know, for an opinionated control freak who over thinks everything. It feels kind of like dictating the terms of my submission is all I really have left of control.

From there...Stopping the behavior. I guess I could put in a request for more regular beatings lol, but I doubt that would change the internal issues that cause it in the first place.
I think that, at least for now, really paying attention and catching myself as soon as I start trying to dictate terms is a good step.

And I know it sounds corny, but after my recent experiences dealing with thing1's addictions, I can safely say that whole whole adage about "admitting you have a problem being the first step to recovery," is very true. I'm hoping that the same holds true here. Because we cannot change that which we refuse to see.

We are at a bit of a fork in the road on this journey we call D/s. And I can tell that Alpha is done backing off and waiting in limbo. Neither of us does very well there anyways.
Skimming back over this post makes me feel like I haven't really presented a clear answer to my dilemma. But perhaps some answers only become truly clear in retrospect?

To yield is not always easy, but sometimes it is the battle that makes us weak.


  1. LOL, I do think you answered a lot of you own questions in your post and I agree with them. Seeing the issue is the first step....how you go about it from here makes a big difference too. Tell Alpha how you feel and I am sure he will help guide you in the right direction. Limbo is not much fun but somehow I too always seem to end up there.

    1. dancingbarez, rambling about things usually helps me figure them out lol.
      Limbo really isn't much fun, but it has a way of sucking me in sometimes, and I do tend to need a hand getting back out.

  2. Its not easy is it? I used to think and still do on occassions think im submissive he is the Dom.....how hard can it be? i trust him so why then do i still put up barriers? No i dont have the answers lol

    What i have found does help is when i have specific moments when i attempt to dictate my submission is i write them down, why i feel this way etc...he then reads it. We then sit down and discuss the specific issue, both listening to the other, he picks my reasoning apart to get to the bottom of the issue.

    Sometimes its like taking 5 steps forward and 3 steps back but nevertheless its progress just slow progress.

    tori x

    1. tori, right, it sounds really simple doesn't it? Writing those moments down i an interesting idea, it kind of fits into my theory about focusing and I could see how that might help.
      And I hear you about the five steps forward three steps back. Progress has a way of taking it's sweet time.

  3. Is it dictating your submission or encountering limits that you are not quite ready to break through yet? Maybe you need the time in limbo to gather the strength you need to move forward.

    1. faerie, in this case I think it really is about dictating the terms of my submission. Though I had never really thought about limbo as being a step of its own--like the rest stop on the way to where you need to be. That's an interesting concept.

  4. I really really liked faerie's comment. Seemed a kinda lightbulb moment to me. Ah but what do I know lol! :)

    Dee x

    1. Dee, you know a light-bulb moment when you have one! Sometimes they have to hit me in the head, or umm, other parts lol.

  5. You are opening up a whole new world for me as I read more. I am not sure if there is anything wrong with wanting to be dominated a certain way, but I am woefully out of my element here.

    Mr No Name

    1. Mr. No Name, sometimes it's a whole new world for me too lol. Just depends where we are at that moment.
      I don't think that there is necessarily anything wrong with wanting to be Dominated a certain way, but part of Dominating is doing it on one's own terms.
      As a submissive, a big part of my growth has been learning to accept that while I may want things a certain way, what I really need is His way.

  6. Amazing how we continually reevaluate our dynamics and continually seek clarification

    Good luck

    1. Mindset, yes, that ever elusive clarification! I'm always trying to grab it. Thank you.

  7. I think the lightbulb moment you describe is profound, lil. And you're right--you can choose which way you want to go from here. Back is possible, though difficult, forward is possible, though perhaps frightening. I believe that if Alpha has the patience, it's also possible to remain where you are, clinging tightly and refusing to go either direction. (And the reason I believe that is that this is exactly where Joy and I are right now.)

    I wish I had some great suggestion about what to do if you want to go farther, but about the only thing I can think of is...let go. Easy to say, hard to do, I know.

    Anyway, excellent post. Thanks for sharing--you shine a light on my own relationship through the prism of yours.

    1. Jake, I don't know that back is actually possible for us. To a certain extent maybe, but we will never be what we have been because of where we are (I feel the need to point out that I haven't had coffee yet, so making sense may or may not happen lol).
      It seems like refusing to go either direction is much more difficult than just letting go and moving forwards. Letting go has always been my biggest issue. Amazing how the simplest things can be the most complex.
      I can't stand stand stagnation, and I think that at some point, the waters must move for our own well-being and growth.
      Thank you.

  8. I want this too - to define my submission. And that feels so wrong. But then i go into a tailspin - and i can't identify why. Or - we can't move forward and i can't see what it is that is blocking me. I'm trying really hard to figure out what is me trying to control us by dictating my submission - and what is me changing and wanting and needing or even just responding to things differently, and what of all that is real growth, and what doesn't belong. (See - i can do incoherent rambling, even with coffee) i really appreciate your writing about this though.

    1. gg, oh the tailspin...They can be so brutal! Very rarely, I can figure out what has sent me into one and a lot of time is spent simply figuring out what the block is. So I feel you on that one.
      Sometimes I think that I am overly obsessed with growth and that leads me to missing the obvious in the here and now.

      And incoherent rambling with coffee is an underrated skill! Your posts often give me some sort of insight, so I'm always extra happy when you find something in one of mine.

  9. I think that in my quest to seek out ideas and engage in more D/s and further our relationship, I might be seeking D/s on my own terms - my way. I sometimes offer the Dirty Old Man suggestions, but I really need to evaluate how self-serving they are. Is it MY way - will I be upset if it doesn't happen like this?

    Thank you for the insight.

  10. Limbo could be a place to re-group before moving on.
    Moving towards total submission is scary. It's having total trust in your spouse to make the final decisions in both of your lives. It is giving up control on all issues. (that doesn't mean your opinion doesn't matter - because it does!)
    I would compare it to cutting the net that circus acrobats have under them to catch them if they fall.
    If we could do that and know that our spouses are our net and that they would catch us whenever we fall, that would be the total bliss of submission. So the terms of dominance and your submission have to be made by your HoH, - otherwise, you haven't let go of your safety net and given yourself completely into the care of your HoH.
    I, personally have not reached that point at all, - I'm not even close but I see that place at the end of the road and hope to reach it one day.The fact that we think about these things is moving us one step closer.

    May the road rise up to greet you!
    Jack's Jill

  11. Jill,
    I love the circus net analogy!
    I think that I am a lot closer to that point than I was when this post was written, but evolution can be such a painfully slow process lol.

    Limbo seems to be a fairly good regrouping place for him...I still struggle with it quite a bit though.


Play nice.