Sunday, November 11, 2012

Keeping Up My End of the LOL Day Bribe Part II

One Submissive to Another kindly accepted my LOL day bribe, and had this to say:

"Ive got a question/thought
Here goes hope it makes sense,
The D/s aspect of our relationship has been a complete relationship shift. I have been the one in charge for 5 years and when we decided that we were going to have a D/s relationship, he became the one in charge. At home I am very submissive, i know my place and i love it. However in public and around family and friends it seems old habits die hard. Its been almost 2 years and i still really really struggle with it, he gives me that "watch it look" when i do it but it doesn't seem to stop me most times. I was wondering if you ever had trouble with that? My ass has been consistently sore for two years now lol." 

Yes, before D/s, this was a bit of a problem for us. I was never in charge, but adapting was still difficult.

Now, he expects a bit of sass when we are with family or friends--for some disturbing reason, he thinks it's fun to propagate the misconception that I am a mean woman with a bad temper who rules the roost.
Ludicrous right?
Okay, so maybe the temper part is right, but the rest of it is clearly erroneous propaganda on his part.

I no longer have a problem with my behavior in public or around friends. The "Look" pretty much does it for me these days.
For me, the most consistent struggle with this sort of thing comes in shifting from "In charge" mode when I'm functioning out on my own, to not in charge. That primarily manifests itself at home though.

When it came to staying in my place in public and around friends, it was easier to adapt to when I looked at it as an issue of respect.
I respect Alpha tremendously. Therefore, I want to see him treated with respect. If I don't give it to him in front of others, I can't very well expect them to do so.
I am very much a reflection of him. I feel that it reflects poorly on him for me to display attitudes or controlling behavior towards him in the presence of others (when we're alone, it just reflects poorly on me).

Often we want people to view us a certain way. I don't care so much how people see me, but I do care how they see Alpha.
I want my presence to bring him more respect, not less.

So yes--I have had trouble with that. But I have found that taking a different view of my behavior has helped tremendously.
Even if it didn't manifest as obvious disrespect that anyone would notice, looking at is as being about respect really did make a difference for me.

I am, by no means, implying that you are disrespectful--just that shifting my perception has helped me personally to remember my place in circumstances outside of the house.  Sometimes a little shift in perception changes everything.

When we make that shift to D/s, there are certain things that we have to relearn. Some come easy, some take time. Okay, so not a whole lot comes easy lol. But it's worth the time.

I hope this addresses your question/thought--I'm having a terribly off day lol. But I did say I would get to this today.
I tried!

This whole submission thing isn't easy is it?


  1. That was a pretty good answer in my opinion.

    I have been thinking about this a lot recently - I don't see H with a blog saying Kitty doesn't know how to submit properly, so I need to think about when I whine about his dominance style.

    1. Thank you Kitty.
      You totally made me laugh with the blog bit. Funny how things change when we peek at them from another angle.

      Though um, if he did have one, I would read it. Just sayin lol.

  2. The submission thing would be easier if I were naturally submissive. Upbringing, culture, necessity made me independent and strong and a leader. I couldn't have been submissive until I did. It was a long walk up to it. I submit to Him. And I try hard to keep my demeanor a respectful one-not to be confused with a doormat :) He also likes to act as though I am a fearsome woman-and i guess Ic an be although I never noticed it affecting him in the least. (Damn! SHould thta have been effecting? I never get those straight!)

    1. Saoirse,
      Lol, funny how that whole "fearsome" thing doesn't phase them in the least isn't it. I thank God (almost) every day for that though lol.

      Nope--you got it right! Affect/effect--one of the many banes of the English language if you ask me lol.

  3. From One Submissive to AnotherNovember 11, 2012 at 5:40 PM

    Yes that definatly makes a lot of sense. I've never thought about it terms of respect. I guess my friends and family dont repect him as much as they should because of the way I talk about him. I'd like my presence to add respect too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this because you just gave me a lightbulb moment. I had no idea how to go about it and now I do. Recently the look has become more theatening (he figured out something I hate doing! lol) so I guess it will just take time. Yes this submission thing is really hard! Ive read lots of stuff on your blog that I cant believe I couldnt figure out on my own lol. Everytime I think Ive got it figured out, I see I've got a long way to go. Thanks again! Always helpful.

    1. From One Submissive to Another,
      Glad it helped!

      I don't know that any of us ever really finish figuring it out...Evolution takes time. And I like to think that we are never done growing.
      We're all just learning as we go.

  4. Hi lil, great answer. I sometimes struggle in public too. It's import to remain mindful on how our actions reflect on our husbands and family unit.

    1. Thank you Roz.
      It does change things a bit when we look at it from that perspective doesn't it.

  5. Nope, this whole submissive thing is not easy, but it is rather simple.And awfully fulfilling.
    Lil, yours is the first blog I ever came across, and I hold it rather dear as my "first", lol. So your words hold a lot of weight for me, and I am always fascinated by how when I have something I am thinking of, or wondering about, I often find you blogging about it.
    And here we go again. Thanks. It's awesome.

    1. SurrenderedGoddess,
      thank you. Your gonna make me blush lol.

      I'm really just trying to figure it all out as I go, and am often in a ridiculous state of confusion.
      One of the things I love about blogging is that it helps me to work through that confusion. Sometimes lol.

  6. And have you mixed all that with the fact that most Dominants, want strong, independent women as their subs?
    Doesn't make it any easier.

    1. Bas,
      You are not an easy lot to please!

  7. Lil, Thank you for this post. I'm going through this right now. Trying to adjust outside the bedroom. I'm wanting to be a good submissive but every time were out with friends or family I revert into our vanilla life. I never really blatantly disrespected my Dom/husband. We discussed this after going out Halloween night with friends for a masquerade dinner. I had reverted and received a lot of those looks you mentioned. He finally decided that it wasn't me being a bad submissive that in fact it was him not being Dominate. He decided to work harder and I did as well. I'm now looking at it as a respect thing and its helping. It's definitely an adjustment and my ass has been turned pink adjusting. It's fabulous! Bedroom Submissive

    1. Little Kaninchen,
      Adjustment is hard! And I think that sometimes the hardest part is realizing and accepting that they have to adjust too.

      I am glad that you found something useful in the post.


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