Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I Want My Husband to Dominate Me

 If you intend to get to the end of this post, I suggest generous quantities of coffee.

The second most common search term that finds me is variations of "How to get my husband to dominate me". And things along the lines of "How to make him more Dominant".
For some reason I find it somewhat ironic that most people stumble here with the keyword "submissive". Perhaps I see irony in it because I'm not a shining example...

This post should have probably been broken into two, but it's not. So long ramble it is.
One of the reasons I think that this is rather a tricky subject is that it doesn't always go well. The results we think we want aren't always what we need, and what we are trying to achieve does not always go as we had hoped it would.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, how to get one's husband to be Dominant. I suppose the simple solution would be to talk to him. Crazy right? But I think it really is the best route.
Here's the thing though--I know that's a lot easier said than done. This blog started because I couldn't just sit down and talk to my husband about what I what I wanted or needed, about what was working and what wasn't, or even things as simple as my feelings about D/s.

Getting back to the point here...What can I say, I'm easily distracted.

I think that when we begin talking about "making" someone Dominant, or "making" them submissive, we are treading in murky water
My reasoning is that you cannot "make" anyone be something they are not. Sure, many of us have varying traits laying beneath the surface that can be drawn out and explored.
But if that trait is not in there somewhere to begin with, we are trying to change who that person inherently is.

There are some scary thoughts that arise when we start to consider that we want the person who married us to change their role. They could react indifferently, they could reject us for what we have come to realize we are, or they might accept it and make the thoughts in our mind a reality (the last having been my personal fear).

I think that the first and most important step is to try and arrive at an understanding of yourself--what you need, whether you see it as being a bedroom only activity or a part of daily life. Things like that.
And if you can't answer those questions, communicate that fact to him as clearly as possible.

In my mind, it comes down to couple of very basic truths if you are trying to get your husband to be more Dominant--he will not be able to give you what you are searching for if he doesn't know anything about it. And if he does he might not give it.

If you are brave (unlike me), the best route is simply to sit down and talk about it.  Really--best way to go.
If not, you can write it out. Which, while it does sound like bit cop out, has the advantage of giving you time to think and phrase things as clearly as possible.
Or in the wonderful age of the internet, you could pull up a website or blog, say you find it interesting, and take the conversation from there. Though do yourself a favor and start small--something fairly easy to assimilate with realistic thoughts and concepts. Not the page with five women suspended from the ceiling being beat with bullwhips, or a blog post with the woman unrealistically living naked in a cage. You want to be closer. Not have him selling the dog's bedroom.
I think that the biggest challenge in this approach is avoiding the pitfalls of comparison. You are trying to create an exchange of power within your own relationship--not model it after someone elses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In order for there to be successful Domination, there must be submission. I think it is somewhat common to broach the subject, start getting what you asked for, and back-peddle as fast as possible by refusing to submit. Myself being case in point.
The thing is, that really doesn't work. If you want him to be Dominant, you are going to have to submit. And you aren't always going to like it.

Domination of a spouse goes against what many of us were taught is right and successful in a relationship. Sometimes it takes a huge relearning of ourselves and our other half. And that is why it is important to seriously evaluate your wants and needs first--is this a game you want to play in the bedroom, or is it the way you need to live your life? Either way is fine and can change over time. But clarity is good.

When the submissive is the person who brings D/s to the table, it's easy to be critical, to think he's "doing it wrong" because what we are getting does not live up to the image we have built in our minds (that's one of the drawbacks to all the lovely information one can find on the internet).
But ultimately, we are asking him to do things his way. And in order for him to become comfortable in that role, we have to accept the way he chooses to do what he does.

That's not to say that whatever he comes up with right off the bat has to be accepted as gospel. After all, it is a learning curve on both sides of the equation. It just means that getting what we ask for does not always come in the forms we thought it would.

Introducing the concept of power exchange into an established marriage is a challenge, because we are shaking the ground beneath the foundation of who we see ourselves to be and how we interact with each other.
Chances are that it won't be what we imagined--after all, functioning within reality can be far different than the fantasy we create in our minds. And it's important to be realistic.
But it is something that we grow into together. An evolutionary process within the realm of our relationship. So having it all at once is not as important as we sometimes feel it to be--it's better to take one's time and build upon what we have without shattering our foundation completely than it is to jump in without thought and destroy that which we have already built.

I think that it is important to acknowledge that there are men who will never be Dominant no matter how hard they try because it's just not part of who they are. 
In the end, we will never be able to make someone become something they are not.

We can however, place what we have become on the table and see where it leads. Because we will most likely never get what we need if we cannot find some way of communicating what that need is.

So there's my twenty cents on that subject. Not to be interpreted as sage advice or anything related to such lol.
And to those who haven't been searching for this particular soap box of mine--I think you earned more coffee.
I have gotten some search hits for "making someone submissive", too...I could ramble about that one...Or would that just require more caffeine than the world has to offer?

70 comments:

  1. Thanks for writing such an insightful article. I am in that sort of situation. I want my partner to dominate me, but I have always been the dominant one (not because I wanted to be, thats just how it worked out). I am not happy with that dynamic, and we have been trying to change it. Making him understand has been a challange and there has been alot of falling out. I have found it very difficult to explain things, because they just are to me, that is just how I feel and how ive always felt, I don't know how to explain it to somone who has never thought about being in a D/s relationship! I have a blog and I go on fetlife and visit lots of other blogs which has helped and taught me alot about myself and what I am interested in, but its not me that needs to learn and see what its all about! But getting him invovled has proved difficult, he just doesnt have the same enthusiasm as me. I think he can't be bothered somtimes, or worries he is not doing it right and is used to me being dominant instead. I supose I don't really understand because I know I could do it, so that makes me loose respect for him. In a way by dominating me he would in my eyes become my equal because he is showing that he can handle me i know thats prob wrong, but I just need to feel like somone can take control of me. I try to submit, but I feel like im submiting to somone who is just not dominant enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. little n, This sounds incredibly discouraging for both of you - but if this is your response to the efforts he does make, I can only imagine it wears him down. My husband doesn't have the same enthusiasm I do for seeking out knowledge about anything - this is included - but he is very open and willing to learn about things I present him with. Perhaps you could find things that appeal to you specifically and send them to him. It's all bound to be overwhelming for him - it's always been this way for you, but he's just stepping into this world.

      Delete
    2. little n,
      I think that going at their pace can be really difficult but is also part of the process. Admittedly sometimes their pace will be nothing at all, but it is also a process of development.
      It's often a lifetime of learning about how Not to treat a woman that has to, in a way, be relearned.

      I also think that "being Dominant enough" is something that takes time. It takes confidence that Dominance will be met with submission and the choices made won't immediately be challenged.

      Sometimes what we see as a lack of enthusiasm is them taking it at their own pace and stepping out slowly into the experience, which is far safer than diving straight in without a clue.

      Delete
  2. I'm not sure how relevant this is going to be - my personal experience has been that whenever I feel a resistance I back down. Immediately. There's no convincing or educating or coming back to it. I'm lucky that the current squeeze was quite interested to explore this and we've been on this journey together ever since. We hit the place where I didn't feel dominated enough but I think that had a lot to do with MY own mindset than anything else.

    And given that everyone's circumstances are different, I think you made a good point about not falling into the trap of making comparisons.

    thanks for the post... it's surely something to think about!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FA,
      Mindset is so much of everything isn't it? And sometimes it is so hard to see that our own mindset is the block we are seeing in the road.

      So much to think about in the world isn't there lol.

      Delete
  3. You have done a much better job of explaining it then I would have...and a hell of a lot more tactful as well!!

    Nicely Done

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sassy,
      thank you. I would be lying if I said I didn't spend a ridiculous amount of time on this post lol.

      Delete
  4. You will need a coffee to read this lil, you should know what im like by now lol

    I think the key word throughout this is communication and that cant be stressed enough, my circumstances were and are somewhat different but it gives another perspective.

    I have had a long term vanilla relationship and throughout it i had these yearnings but couldnt put a name to it all thank goodness for google! i needed to find out more and it became something that consumed me.

    I did sit down and talk to my then partner and to say he found it ridiculous would be an understatment, he made me feel that there was something very clearly wrong with me, he certainly didnt take it seriously and its not like i started heavy because at that point for me it was just needing and wanting to be dominated the other stuff came later.

    I did try again to bring it up but it was dissmissed. I dropped it then and put it to one side but the feelings were still there so much so that it did contribute to us breaking up (we had been together nearly 7 years) i had to take the gamble of exploring these urges, and i didnt want to do it behind his back.

    It was not a decision i took lightly as we had a child together, and i was aware that there would be no going back, he made that very clear and so i found myself a single mother looking to pursue a type of relationship i didnt clearly understand.

    It was the one of the best decisions i have ever made, even though it was difficult and it wasnt his fault but i couldnt make him be someone he wasnt especially when he didnt want the same....if i had stayed with him i think one of two things would have happened, 1) i would of ended up having an affair behind his back or 2) i would have ended up being miserable which in turn would made him miserable..neither of those were viable soloutions for me.

    I think its wanderful when 2 people can work it through together but unfortunatley its not always the case.

    tori x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      I have my second cup firmly in hand. And I didn't even have to drink all of it!
      Thank you for sharing your perspective. It can go so many different ways when we try to incorporate D/s into an established relationship that it's great to see so many different perspectives in one place.

      You rightly evaluated it as a need, not a want which I think is huge--because of that you were able to end up where you needed to be. Though I'm sure the process was not nearly as easy as it sounds in print.

      Re: your P.S, That is a great point, and one that can't be said enough to the beginner--there is so much information out there saying how it "has" to be, that it's easy to get lost in all that.

      Delete
    2. Tori - I am in the midst of the same situation you describe in the sense that I have a husband who thinks something is wrong with me for wanting to be dominated. I do love him, and we have a child together. But to complicate matters, I have formed a close relationship with an experienced Dom and we fell in love. It's a mad, passionate, obsessive love and we both want to be together. I don't want to make excuses, I know it is wrong. My husband knows, and we are working on things, but I just keep wondering if we are going to make each other miserable while I pine for someone who can give me what I feel I need. I wonder how you have managed your split up and custody and if your ex made your sexuality an issue in the process. I worry that mine will if we split up. I would love if you would email me, I would be so thankful. I'm just trying to make it through my days right now, missing my beloved. My email is the user name I posted with at google's mail program. I said it so cryptically to try to avoid getting spammed. Thank you in advance!

      Delete
    3. hi binarystar

      I have tried 3 times to send you mail but delivery keeps failing, perhaps posting on my blog with your full email address and i will check spam folder..there shouldnt be a problem with that.

      Delete
    4. yourbinary star,
      tori's blog is here http://painspleasure.blogspot.com/
      just in case you had any trouble getting there. The link should c/p straight into your browser.

      Delete
  5. ps...just when you thought i had finished theres more lol

    I do think its very important as you stated not to compare to others, sometimes its difficult but my one bit of advice would be to anyone starting out is....there is no right or wrong way, no rules to follow other than what you both want.

    ok now i finished!

    tori x

    ReplyDelete
  6. That is one of the most well explained post that I have ever read. And I agree with you 100%. It is a two way street, one has to submit for the other to dominate. And you can't make your husband be something he isn't. Totally agree. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blondie,
      thank you! It took some serious thought lol.

      Delete
  7. As usual, a very insightful post. It is all so true - and so hard for some to grasp.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      thank you.
      these are fairly simple concept, but not always easy to grasp when you are looking at them from the inside.

      Delete
  8. Wow. I don't think I could even try to tackle this subject. You've done it brilliantly. I think communication goes without saying - well actually not without saying but it is so fundamental it has to be assumed. Two other things I had to learn the harder way: don't compare to anyone else, and if you want him to be dominant then act submissive - the circle has to start somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gg,
      thank you.
      I will now admit that it took me hours to write and edit back through lol. Though honestly there are a few sentences that I think could have made more sense than they do if I had spent even more time on it.

      It's kind of funny how, as obvious as it seems, the realization that to be Dominated we have to submit, is not the first thing we think of. I guess it's easy to overlook the basics?

      Delete
    2. I am going through this same thing myself. Came out of the closet to my husband six months ago or so, and I am trying to figure out how to be more submissive to him so that he will see that this is REALLY what I want. I'm not trying to "make" him more dominant. I am trying to bring out his dominant side more often (which will hopefully one day be all the time ;)) What do you feel are the best ways to begin showing our husbands that we are submitting? What can we do to bring out that dominance?

      Delete
  9. It was indeed sage advice as if often the case here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir J,
      Thank you.
      I take that as a compliment of the highest form coming from you.

      Delete
  10. You're right that you can't "make" someone dominant.

    But latent dominance can be lurking beneath even the most seemingly mild-mannered man, especially if there is deep love and you do a good job explaining that these are your needs.

    Once he begins to see the effect his dominance can have on you (wherever you fall on that spectrum) he can start to need it too - to take you to that place.

    My husband has told me more than once "You've turned me into a bad man."

    He is by no stretch of the imagination a bad man. But he is a dominant one, now.

    I love this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Conina,
      Right--sometimes it's a trait waiting below the surface. As my husband said, Domination goes against what a lot of men are taught so they have to in essence relearn things that have been ingrained for a very long time.

      Lol @ what your husband said. Mine likes to tell me that I corrupted him.

      Delete
  11. I think the best advice that you gave is to not compare yourself to someone else. I know I did that in the beginning and I know I will do itinthe future it is just important to try not too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kat,
      That is something I wish someone had told me in the beginning. It is just so easy to get sucked into that inset and really is more of a barrier to success and growth than anything else.

      Delete
  12. Lil... wonderful post! Very much what my S and I are and have been struggling with... since we began with Dd!

    Communication is totally key!! Whether in a letter, person to person, whatever.... a marriage, be it vanilla or Dd can not last without it!

    Also, while I agree that you don't want to force down anyone's throat what is not in them.... I think that if you are in love with the one you are with, an open mind concerning what your partner is into is important no matter the subject. When my husband and I were dating, we used to take walks through many a junk yard, looking at old cars and talking, holding hands and enjoying each other. Now I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the cars, but I way liked the guy I was walking with!

    Thanks again for sharing such a wonderful post!b

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mikki,
      Yes, communication is one of those universal concepts that a relationship of any kind cannot survive without. But it's not always easy!
      And yes, an open mind makes such a difference--if we don't have an open mind about their reaction, we will never initiate the necessary conversation. And if they can't keep an open mind for us, they'll never get what we are trying to communicate.

      Delete
  13. Hmm.. much to think about. I am also not good about sitting down with my husband to tell him that I'd like him to be more dominant. And part of me is AFRAID of him being more dominant, even though I'm so turned on when I read about other blogger's dommy husbands...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. reneerose,
      It's one of those things where one must be careful what they ask for to be sure!
      Alpha says that he thinks things like this are difficult for us subs because it's the first and most basic act of submitting--putting ourselves out there and waiting for him to do what he will with it.

      Delete
  14. Good Job!!! I just had my husband read - http://godsgifttohim.wordpress.com/2009/02/15/just-for-men/

    Actually he read the entire blog and then went from there :D

    ReplyDelete
  15. Great post!!! I too have trouble talking to him at times. Which drives me crazy. we will talk about it, but we will not go as deep in the conversation as I would like. We haven't had a "sit down talk" about it in a while now....I have really been waiting on him to come to me....but not sure if that is going to happen. Again, great great post! Thanks for sharing all of the info! Good stuff:)

    Belle:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SmilingBelle,
      There is always so much going on in life, that sometimes they just don't know when we need that talk and we have to grit our teeth and say "hey, I need a sit down talk."
      So much easier said than done!

      Delete
  16. Thank you for the coffe warning. Had 2 mugs while reading.I think you are right when you say that to make someone dominant, you have to start bij being submissive. People react to each other. They complement each other. But there's always the danger of the unguided projectile. You cannot predict the way the dominancy will go. It could go terribly wrong if you don't stear (you might not like hanging next to those five women), reading blogs can help with that. But, a sure way to stop the process is by repeatedly challenging how he does it. He will withdraw and just think. "Hey, you just go dominate yourself and leave me in peace". It's like a narrow mountain path. Ravines on each side, but the top of the mountain is beckoning you on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bas,
      You are quite welcome for the warning--I find it polite to give such warnings lol.
      I like your narrow mountain path analogy--it's very fitting.

      And many of us subs just don't immediately realize that wanting someone to be Dominant means we will have to submit. Even if it is a logical conclusion.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

      Delete
    2. Ok so just had that aw ha moment of I have to submit!! Wow what a basic thought but one I kinda over looked.
      my husband and I have a great marriage, great sex life and very good communication, so when I told him a few days ago I want him to be more dominant, in my mind I was just thinking of me staying the same and him being more aggressive, so now I need to re think this and figure out if I really want to submit (I think I do) or if I just want him to be more aggressive???
      Hhhmmm something to think about, and talk to the hubby about.
      Thank you for the much needed info, I couldent have read this at a more perfect time.

      Delete
    3. Anon,
      glad you found this post with such serendipitous timing!

      I think it's great that you realized you need to be able to make the distinction about what you want and need--Him to be more aggressive, or D/s. Dominance and submission are quite integral to each other.

      Good luck with whatever direction you go!

      Delete
  17. great topic..one I lived and failed at..hence enter Local Dom...

    I have participated in the one lovely blog award and named your blog in my list of faves.

    I hope thats ok?

    L x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. littleone,
      It is more than okay--I appreciate it very much. Thank you!

      Delete
  18. I think everyone in a relationship has needs. If someone has a need to be submissive which automatically makes the other the dominant one in the relationship; then those needs need to be met and or discussed.

    Being dominant may not come naturally to him. But I think most men in a loving relationship would want to meet the needs of his significant other. If she told him that she had a need to be submissive, which automatically makes him the dominant one he would probably work towards that to meet her needs.

    He might need some direction if it doesn't come naturally; and if she is asking for it then it probably isn't coming naturally to begin with.

    I dig this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ponyboy,
      Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to share your thoughts.
      I think that many people are willing to work towards it. But sometimes a willingness doesn't translate into feeding the need because it is ultimately done only to please the submissive. I'm not sure that statement makes as much sense in print as it does in my head...

      I disagree on the probability of it not coming naturally if she has to ask. I mean, I'm sure that in many cases it does hold true, but I also think that a lot of times Dominance is repressed. Many men are raised with the direction that you do not treat women a certain way. And Dominance can easily fall into the category of those "certain ways."
      And sometimes, as in my case, it was repressed largely for my benefit (ironic I know). Simply because of my past and a litany of personal issues that I carry with me.

      Delete
  19. You'll have to forgive me, i am a dominant in every aspect of my life but for a while i have been interested in how submissives themselves feel about their situation and how they would aprouch it in an already established relationship. I am impressed by everything that has been said and the insight has been invaluable. My only comment would be that when asking your partner to explore this kind of change in dynamics, you must remember that there are different levels of dominance as there are with submission and one can only go as far as they can. Once that is discovered, the sub must then decide what his/her limits are and then discover if both can settle into a new relationship

    your sincerly M.C

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. M.C,
      No forgiveness needed. One of the things that I enjoy about writing in this forum is all of the different insights and opinions. It is not easy bringing D/s into an established relationship and i love that this post has gotten so much feedback.
      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

      Delete
  20. This is a great writing on the topic. We did the same thing. After 18 years of marriage I brought up the D/s topic with my husband, by talking to him, and he wanted to know my fantasies, so I wrote them down in a journal, which I still use. Now mainly to entertain him but also sometimes for communication. He said he'd try it. I was so scared at first. I loved it, needed it, so much. The more I submitted the more I wanted to submit. I was so scared he'd change his mind. Now it has been over a year that I brought it up. We have been Master and slave for exactly one year. And I'm not worried any more. He also loves this.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. ancilla,
      This post gets more google hits than anything I have ever written. I think it's more prevalent of an issue than I originally thought.

      I'm glad to hear that you liked it--it's nice to know that people who have been there and done that, think I covered the topic well.

      Congratulations on the one year mark!
      For me, it's kind of crazy to look back and think that things weren't always arranged like they are now.

      Delete
  21. I agree, I can barely remember what we were like together before... I can barely imagine a time when I'd say "No, I don't feel like it tonight dear" to him.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for this post. I'm gay, but much of what you have written applies to me as well. When my spouse and I first met, I actually did tell him that I was into bondage and the like, and he said he wasn't too into it. However, he will administer spankings now, but his tendency is still towards politeness. He's the perfect gentleman, which is great...most of the time. While I'm generally free-spirited in my day-to-day affairs, I definitely crave a dominant man in the home. And, I am fairly obedient, too. I love it when he gives me little orders for seemingly trivial things, like "brush your teeth" and I like to fetch him things. I don't know why, but this always gets me excited. And I'd never be so obedient and complicit with anyone else, either. However, it would be nice if he punished me every now and then. I'm not sure how to ask for this. We sort of fell into our other roles naturally. He'd probably be turned off at this point if I requested a slave collar, but I don't see why he couldn't be my disciplinarian. Not sure how to ask him for this, though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Anon,
      I'm glad that you found something to identify with in this post.
      It can be so hard to take that step of asking for things like punishment and Domination, but we can never be completely sure what the outcome will be until we try.

      Delete
  23. Good evening, as i write this i feel quite ashamed. Please let me explain and i do hope someone has som honest advice. I am in a realtionship and have 3 beautiful children which i adore. I am a mom and that.is kind of it. Thats all i am. i have recently met a man that has made me feel more than yhat and not that i want to leave my relationship in any way i feel as if i have been missing something sexually. I have come.across some.information regarding bdsm and it is quite intriguing to me. I dont know how to.say this but i want to be dominated. My boyfriend is not very open to toys and experiments as i am so im not sure how to fill the void i have for being dominated. I have not tried much bdsm and i want to.explore. I prefer experimenting with someone with experience . But since i am romantically involved with a man that does not even want to use petty toys i am not sure what to.do? Do i live a secret.life at yhe same time a being a homemaker? I have not cheated even though i do fantasize about the other man dominating me and i feel as if i am doing something terribly wrong. I just want to fulfill my fantasies not just have the same ol roll over sex with no foreplay.....someone.please help me with this burning frustration

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon,
      I am not sure exactly what you are asking for here...?

      I do think that people often find having a "secret life" to be something that can become very tumultuous, and leads to life upheavals they had not previously anticipated.

      In the end, I think that much of it comes down to whether or not this is a need for you, and how valuable you feel your current relationship is.

      Any decision in one direction or another is yours and yours alone. Only you can really determine what is right for you and your life.

      Delete
  24. I just wanted to say thanks for this blog post. It has been very helpful. I just love google. My hubby and I have discussed a few times about my wanting him to be more in control in the bedroom. But this isn’t his personality so it has been very hard to know where to begin. But absolutely communication is the key to changing anything in your life. And as many have said sometimes easier said than done but very important to make the time and find a way to do it.

    I recently finished the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, along with checking out some info, I came to realize that my want of being submissive was no longer a want but a need. How do I explain this to my hubby after more than 16 years of marriage with me being the one in control; that I want him to change, need him to change. Due to my past, I never thought I would be in a situaton where I would want to give up that control, I always told myself I would never let myself get into that situation again. But it is different when you are with someone you totally trust. I have held that back from him and I need to give myself totally to my husband and that means being submissive to him. I am the lead in pretty much all spects of our life and am ready to turn the bedroom over to my hubby. But without communication it is so hard to know where to begin. Fortunately we came to a point that we both knew we needed to sit down and figure this out or it was going to harm our relationship. We did talk, (not at home but away from the kids) and we did get it figured out. For us, I think my hubby was looking at the big picture and trying to make a leap instead of baby steps. I need so much more but am thrilled to see some baby steps happening. I know it will take time. It took us 16 years to get here so things will not change overnight but hopefully not 16 years to change. I love him dearly and appreciate all the little things he has done so far, working toward a change in our relationship. All good things come to those who wait.

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    1. Anon,
      You are quite welcome--I am glad to hear that you found this post helpful.

      It can be so tricky when we begin to change over a decades worth of how we relate to each other. On the upside, there is that established trust already.

      I think that it's important to look at the big picture. But that picture also has to be painted one brush stroke at a time.
      Baby steps are how we all start in life, and they are a great way to start making this kind of change.

      I wish you and your husband the best on your journey.

      Delete
  25. Ok, baby steps. Years of them. Yes, I have communicated and explained to my husband of 20 years what I want to try. Several times over the years. I have gone so far as to write short stories featuring us to provide unmistakeable explicit detail and read them together, or sent them to him at work, whatever i think might work. They get him hard, but not demonstrative. I have initiated many conversation (note: never initiated by him) to discuss, explore, share. I have encouraged him to tell me his fantasies, reassuring him nothing could shock me. He honestly doesn't have any. Is there such a thing as being too wholesome? Give him this, he did try. But he can't get into it. It's actually a turn off for him. I love him, and am turned on by him, so that won't change. But I am confused. Are there heterosexual, strong, ex-military, commanding at work males who don't want the chance at total submission of their female? I am cute, 5'8", blond, blue eyes, 135 pounds so fit enough. Other guys DO look at me so I must not be completely ugly. Yet most of the time he'd rather I suck him off then sleep. He only wants to get it on anyway when he's had enough to drink, though i blatantly make myself very available. What the hell is wrong with me?

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    1. anon,
      my guess would be that there isn't anything wrong with you--perhaps you are both just wired differently.

      Some people honestly really don't have it in them to be Dominant to a submissive. I have known very "take charge" men who would be horrified at the thought.

      I'm sorry, but I don't feel like I have any thoughts that would be really helpful to you...

      Delete
  26. I'm older, 50+, and my second husband and I have been married for 20 years, together longer than that. I just recently realized after reading some on-line fiction that I am definitely a sexual submissive and even want to be a bit of a 24/7 sub. I met my first husband when I was 16-1/2 and he was 8 years older and he was very sexually and real life dominant, although I didn't realize that was what he was back then and our sex life was fantastic, just not the rest of life unfortunately. My second hubby has definitely not been a Dom in any way. Our sex life for many years was okay, sometimes good, occasionally great but I always wanted more and felt like I was missing something. The last few years our sex life has been lackluster at best and that has caused me to feel very resentful toward him because he just didn't seem to be interested anymore. It had been more than 6 months since we had any kind of affectionate physical contact.

    After realizing that I wanted to be dominated, I thought back over the years and realized that the really good and great sex was always when hubby was unknowingly being dominant, like having me in a position that I couldn't get away from him even if I wanted to or where I could fantasize that I was restrained, etc.

    So, I decided to approach the subject with him and he was very dismissive and pretty much was totally turned off. I waited a while and approached him again because I figured I couldn't lose. I had pretty much made up my mind that if we didn't start having some kind of affectionate, loving, caring relationship again that I was leaving. I found a D/s fiction story that wasn't extreme and asked him to please do me the favor of reading it, that I needed him to do at least that for me if he still loved me. Then, if he was willing to experiment and try to make some changes to bring up the subject and we'd talk and I'd explain why I was feeling this way now. He obviously wasn't too happy but he said he would. I also told him regardless of the D/s aspect, we also had to do something and get some kind of physical relationship back because I wasn't going to continue to live as roommates only.

    He read about half of the book (on a Kindle so I know how far he got) and didn't say anything or read anymore for several days, although we did resume a physical relationship with a little bit of kink thrown in and he has begun to show more affectionate again. I was beginning to think that was that and I'd have to accept a mostly vanilla relationship, I really didn't/don't want to leave him and I figured I'd just have to have my fantasies.

    Last night, he brought D/s up. We had a very long talk, one we probably should have had a long time ago if only I'd known. He's willing to experiment and try D/s sexually up to a point and also to have a little bit of a D/s relationhip in regular life, with him taking charge more than he does now, he usually leaves a lot of things up to me. He's having a hard time with some aspects because his father abused his mother. I repeatedly told him last night that I'd still be the same person, I wasn't going to become a doormat but there would be times I would need and want to submit to him and give him control over things and that there would always be rules, never when either one of us is angry or irritated with the other being the first and foremost. After we had talked for a while and he said he needed to think and process some more, I asked him what he wanted to watch on TV. He sat there for a couple of minutes and then told me to get over here and perform a service for him. Things progressed from there with him showing more and more dominance as we went along and OMG I had the best big "O" that I can remember for a long time if ever. He was pretty happy himself at the end. TBC, guess I'm going on too long.

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    1. Things were wonderful this morning except for the fact that he got very little sleep last night. We sleep apart because he can't sleep lying flat in a bed anymore, which is somethng we are going to investigate about getting one of those big wedge pillows. I just hope he's not feeling guilty about what very light spanking he did to me last night, didn't even sting, more like hard pats, but we'll talk about that when he gets home. One of his biggest issues was he doesn't want to hit me at all, even erotically and consenually. We'll talk about that when he gets home, didn't have time this morning before he had to leave for work.

      I am so happy right now. I know I need to be realistic but I feel like I did when we first met. Hopefully, we'll be able to work on it together and find a balance we can both live with and maybe he'll even find he has a taste for being a Dom and I'll end up with more than I bargained for (a girl can dream...)

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    2. Anon,
      regardless of how the D/s aspect turns out, it sounds like you are on your way to a happier relationship.

      I think that men often have a problem reconciling Domination with being a good person, especially if they come from an abusive household.
      Those who do come from such households, don't want to repeat their parents mistakes, and those who don't come from that kind of background are taught from a very young age that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to treat women.
      In either case, internal struggles do seem to be a common issue when it comes to becoming Dominant.
      Ironically, those are the best kinds of men, and, in my opinion, the ones who tend to make for the best Dominants because they consider the consequences of their actions.

      I wish you the best of luck on your journey, and I hope that you and your husband stay on the path to happiness--wherever that may lead.

      Delete
  27. Thank you for this blog post. It has given me much to think about. Mainly, how can I be more submissive in order to bring out his dominance. I think this is a question we women have had for a LONG time. And the 50 Shades (terrible book btw) phenomenon has brought it out of the closet. It hasn't inspired women to want this, it has inspired them to talk about it without shame. BUT I am interested in what is going to happen to our marriages when our men can't/won't fulfill our needs. Thanks again.

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    1. Submissive Wife,
      I was unable to respond to your first comment above, so I'll respond to them both here.

      So, for your question about showing them that we are submitting and bringing out their Dominance:
      I think that this is really about the little things--things that we wouldn't normally do, or that we ourselves don't necessarily take joy in. Doing things just because we know that those things please them.
      Even little rituals as simple as sitting at their feet can go a long way towards making both parties feel the subtle touch of D/s.
      We give them choices and abide by their decisions--I think that Dominating becomes much easier and simpler when they know that it is not going to be challenged.

      Sometimes it is just really difficult for them to grasp the importance we place on D/s. If they can't understand how important it is to us, they are likely to not give as much weight to requests regarding taking our relationships in that direction.

      I am happy to hear that you found this post thought-worthy.

      Regarding 50 shades, LOL--I wanted to read it, but I'm far to critical of my reading material to be able to brush aside her grammatical atrocities.

      I think that what happens in a marriage when a man can't or won't fulfill those needs, is dependent on the individuals in the relationship.
      Some people work their way to a middle ground where they can both be comfortable, some separate, and over time, some come to the point that they wanted all along.
      What I believe is important is defining what we need and what we want--we can live without our wants, even if we aren't thrilled with it. Living without having our needs met though, can be quite a bit more difficult.

      Delete
  28. I will admit, I did not read everything above, but I have a question. My boyfriend/ex husband is kinda dominant, but I think afraid of the thought of it. He will usurp his authority, but always does the exact same thing. It is boring for me, but I do it until it gets too painful and I have to safeword. How do I get him to understand that I need more?

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    1. Anon,
      I have thought about this question for a couple of days, and am not sure that I have any real solid answer for you, so I am just going to offer a couple of observations and thoughts.

      From my interpretation of your comment, I get the impression that you don't necessarily want more, but different.
      In my humble opinion, if you have to safeword all the time, that's a problem--to always be pushed to that point seems to show some disregard and lack of attention on your Dom's part.

      Please don't take offense at that statement!
      Part of my thought process is this: More may not be a great idea if he always pushes so hard in one particular area. You can't safeword out of life, so you want him to be observant and thoughtful enough to know how far he can go without causing damage.

      The best way I can think of to get him to understand that you need more is to first get your thoughts in order--like why you want more, what your idea of more is, what his idea of more might be, etc. Then just to sit down and request a conversation about it. Tell him how you really feel. If you're bored, let him know! But they don't know these things unless we tell them. One of our biggest (and most difficult) responsibilities is to communicate our needs and feelings with them.
      Good luck! If you have any other thoughts/questions, I would be happy to continue the conversation.
      I hope that my reply helped, at least a little bit!

      Delete
  29. Thanks, I will figure out exactly what it is that I want to ask for, then sit down with him and ask. You are right, I do not think it is a good idea to approach the subject without knowing what it is I want. Thank you.

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  30. I was wondering..... My husband and I have "dabbled" in D/S since we have been together. But just recently decided to take it to next level. I very much agree with your words. I have a strong personality, and I think that is what has always pushed me into submissive roles in bed. So, now I am balancing that with my roles in every day life within our family. I am finding it easy to submit and he seems to be okay with it. My question comes with how much. Sometimes I can't believe the things I find myself yearning for. I want him to tell me how to dress, have my hair, my weight! so strange... but that is what I want. I am kind of afraid to venture into that. What do you think?

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    1. and to clarify... I realize I have to make my own decisions, but I am very interested in the thoughts/experiences of other subs and whether this is even something that normally or ever takes place in a D/S marriage or relationship?? Thanks in advance!!

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    2. Anon,
      I think that the only people who can really answer "How much", is your husband and yourself.
      From my personal perspective, those lines are defined by the Dominant--how extensive he wants the D/s to be.
      My only real advice on that subject is to really examine your yearnings--realistically, could you live with those things, why do you want them, how will you feel if he decides to go further, can it successfully be reality, or would you not really like it if it wasn't just fantasy, etc.
      Some introspection never hurts in these situations.

      In my experience, the only thing that is really "Normal" in a D/s relationship, is that there is an unequal division of power. There is a vast variety and variance in how people pursue it.
      It does seem fairly common for people to start out in the bedroom and and for the sub to decide she wants more. What that "More" is, is entirely dependent on the individual, though the things you mention are fairly common.

      Good luck! I hope that I answered your question adequately.

      Delete
  31. Thanks so much for this. I have known for some time now I would like to be submissive and I have had battles internally and with my husband who I have known for 10 years. We have dipped a toe in the water for me to get excited and then it all goes away again. I have got to a point where I cant hide it anymore and I have sent him an email explaining things. It may seem like a cop out but I can state everything I feel rationally and he has time to digest it. My stomach was in knots when I hit send but he has said we will talk and that in itself has made things seem so much clearer already. I guess what im trying to say is that communication is key and being very honest. Which is hard as we leave ourselves vulnerable With it in their hands which I guess is the first step! I dont know where this is going to go for us but im excited and hopeful as he is a good man and always puts my needs first. Ive read everyones comments and it has given me greater confidence to be the person I know I am. I hope I havent caused offence or said anything that is a blinding gaff its just so nice to know im not alone.

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    1. Anon,
      Oh no offense taken! I am thrilled and humbled to see that people are still finding this post helpful, and adding thoughts to it. So, thank you for taking the time to comment!

      I think that you are absolutely correct about communication, and I don't think that there are any of us subs who have never used that mode of communication when it comes to ttwd. I think that as long as we work on improving our communication skills, and we realize that doing so in writing isn't the most ideal, what really matters is that we are honestly expressing our thoughts and feelings.

      Thank you again for your comment. I wish you the best on your journey.

      Delete
  32. Good Morning and wishes for a Happy New Year,
    I stumbled on your blog this morning and want to thank you for discussing this .My husband and I have been married 30 yrs. While recuperating from an illness and surgery, did a lot of reading. I have always been submissive...never knew what it was called. My husband wanted to introduce spanking a long time ago but I didn't want to.Through all my readings...something clicked. I feel like a moth drawn toa flame and am having a difficllt time having my husband really understand what I'm talking about. We've been kinky in the bedroom for a little while and I know this is what he thought I meant. I encouraged him to read (I actually gave him Fifty) which he ate up and he read the rest of the trilogy.
    Yes we discussed how poorly she wrote these but it gave him a little better idea of what I was talking about. My husband NEVER reads a book. Problem is I can't express myself so when I want to explain to him that its more than kink i can't. I sendsites to read but he doesn't read them unless I put it in front of him or I write him an email and express myself that way.
    Things have gradually gotten a bit better. But i have the same questtions many others have had...How do I show my submissiveness more?
    Thank you for writing this blog
    Peace and blessings,
    Summer

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    1. sumrwnd,
      Thank you.

      How to show one's submissiveness more seems to be one of those universal questions that we all ask at some point or another. Answers vary and are quite dependent on what pleases the Dominant--my way of showing submission is specific to what y husband likes.

      I think that overall, on a larger scale, showing submissiveness is about adjusting one's approach to Be in a manner that makes them happy. If it's making them coffee without being asked, if it's making an effort to avoid behaviors that you know he doesn't like, even if it's checking the mail or making cookies at an ungodly late hour--submissiveness is shown when we yield to a manner and form that pleases them. Often, I think, this takes the forms of some very simple little, and even vanilla, interactions.

      For me, sometimes it's taking his shoes off when he gets home, it acquiescing to requests without balking, it's filling requests before he makes them, it is making a conscious effort to adjust my behavior in a manner that pleases him.

      Perhaps it would be helpful to tell him that you would like D/s to be a bigger part of daily life, and asking him what expressions of submission he might enjoy?

      There's nothing wrong with having to put a particular article or post in front of him to get him to read them, it just means that you have to choose wisely!

      I haven't finished my first cup of coffee yet, so I'm not terribly confident in this reply, lol. I do hope this helps a bit. Feel free to come back and continue the discussion if I missed the mark!

      Blessings to you and yours as well, Summer.

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Play nice.