The second most common search term that finds me is variations of "How to get my husband to dominate me". And things along the lines of "How to make him more Dominant".
For some reason I find it somewhat ironic that most people stumble here with the keyword "submissive". Perhaps I see irony in it because I'm not a shining example...
This post should have probably been broken into two, but it's not. So long ramble it is.
One of the reasons I think that this is rather a tricky subject is that it doesn't always go well. The results we think we want aren't always what we need, and what we are trying to achieve does not always go as we had hoped it would.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh yes, how to get one's husband to be Dominant. I suppose the simple solution would be to talk to him. Crazy right? But I think it really is the best route.
Here's the thing though--I know that's a lot easier said than done. This blog started because I couldn't just sit down and talk to my husband about what I what I wanted or needed, about what was working and what wasn't, or even things as simple as my feelings about D/s.
Getting back to the point here...What can I say, I'm easily distracted.
I think that when we begin talking about "making" someone Dominant, or "making" them submissive, we are treading in murky water
My reasoning is that you cannot "make" anyone be something they are not. Sure, many of us have varying traits laying beneath the surface that can be drawn out and explored.
But if that trait is not in there somewhere to begin with, we are trying to change who that person inherently is.
There are some scary thoughts that arise when we start to consider that we want the person who married us to change their role. They could react indifferently, they could reject us for what we have come to realize we are, or they might accept it and make the thoughts in our mind a reality (the last having been my personal fear).
I think that the first and most important step is to try and arrive at an understanding of yourself--what you need, whether you see it as being a bedroom only activity or a part of daily life. Things like that.
And if you can't answer those questions, communicate that fact to him as clearly as possible.
In my mind, it comes down to couple of very basic truths if you are trying to get your husband to be more Dominant--he will not be able to give you what you are searching for if he doesn't know anything about it. And if he does he might not give it.
If you are brave (unlike me), the best route is simply to sit down and talk about it. Really--best way to go.
If not, you can write it out. Which, while it does sound like bit cop out, has the advantage of giving you time to think and phrase things as clearly as possible.
Or in the wonderful age of the internet, you could pull up a website or blog, say you find it interesting, and take the conversation from there. Though do yourself a favor and start small--something fairly easy to assimilate with realistic thoughts and concepts. Not the page with five women suspended from the ceiling being beat with bullwhips, or a blog post with the woman unrealistically living naked in a cage. You want to be closer. Not have him selling the dog's bedroom.
I think that the biggest challenge in this approach is avoiding the pitfalls of comparison. You are trying to create an exchange of power within your own relationship--not model it after someone elses.
In order for there to be successful Domination, there must be submission. I think it is somewhat common to broach the subject, start getting what you asked for, and back-peddle as fast as possible by refusing to submit. Myself being case in point.
The thing is, that really doesn't work. If you want him to be Dominant, you are going to have to submit. And you aren't always going to like it.
Domination of a spouse goes against what many of us were taught is right and successful in a relationship. Sometimes it takes a huge relearning of ourselves and our other half. And that is why it is important to seriously evaluate your wants and needs first--is this a game you want to play in the bedroom, or is it the way you need to live your life? Either way is fine and can change over time. But clarity is good.
When the submissive is the person who brings D/s to the table, it's easy to be critical, to think he's "doing it wrong" because what we are getting does not live up to the image we have built in our minds (that's one of the drawbacks to all the lovely information one can find on the internet).
But ultimately, we are asking him to do things his way. And in order for him to become comfortable in that role, we have to accept the way he chooses to do what he does.
That's not to say that whatever he comes up with right off the bat has to be accepted as gospel. After all, it is a learning curve on both sides of the equation. It just means that getting what we ask for does not always come in the forms we thought it would.
Introducing the concept of power exchange into an established marriage is a challenge, because we are shaking the ground beneath the foundation of who we see ourselves to be and how we interact with each other.
Chances are that it won't be what we imagined--after all, functioning within reality can be far different than the fantasy we create in our minds. And it's important to be realistic.
But it is something that we grow into together. An evolutionary process within the realm of our relationship. So having it all at once is not as important as we sometimes feel it to be--it's better to take one's time and build upon what we have without shattering our foundation completely than it is to jump in without thought and destroy that which we have already built.
I think that it is important to acknowledge that there are men who will never be Dominant no matter how hard they try because it's just not part of who they are.
In the end, we will never be able to make someone become something they are not.
We can however, place what we have become on the table and see where it leads. Because we will most likely never get what we need if we cannot find some way of communicating what that need is.
So there's my twenty cents on that subject. Not to be interpreted as sage advice or anything related to such lol.
And to those who haven't been searching for this particular soap box of mine--I think you earned more coffee.
I have gotten some search hits for "making someone submissive", too...I could ramble about that one...Or would that just require more caffeine than the world has to offer?