Me. Him. Her?

 For some reason, I have recently become obsessed with not allowing my drafts folder to pile up. So here's one from aeons ago (hey, in blogtime, months could be interpreted as aeons). You know, in the interests of cleaning house. Since mine currently has a mostly closed hole in the side. And he says we need to redo the roof. And since he's a creature of excess he's going to tear out and fix the floor too. And I'm trying not to have a conniption.
Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*

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This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.

See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.

Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.

Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.

See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not  lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.

The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.

We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol. 

Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."

I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.

And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.

I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?

Filtering and fried fuses

Alpha asked me last night, what my blog would be like if He didn't read it, how much I filter myself knowing that He is going to read every word I write. My firs response was denial--it would be the same. Then I thought about it for a minute, and it really wouldn't be the same. It would probably be even less entertaining than it is now. Full of worries about Him and everything else. But mostly there would be a lot more worry about Him. Why do I filter myself when it comes to that? Because He's the only rock I have and I feel like that's a two way street. No one wants to get up every morning and read pages of drivel containing fears and concerns about their well-being.
So I guess I do filter myself sometimes because I know He is going to read it. Just not, perhaps, in the ways He may have thought.

The original question was prompted by the fact that He went blog browsing yesterday and it's a crazy world out here. Depending on where you end up, it can be just as conducive to cynicism as fetlife at it's worst. At first I thought, "damn, I'm losing my morning coffee spot but alright." Then I started thinking, crap, why do subs (completely pointing the finger away from myself tyvm), always write about bad things like soap as lube and scenes that go five steps beyond where I'm at? I mean, it's really a breeding ground for catching bad ideas out here lol.

On a completely unrelated note, I was out of sync yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I was just...off. And I didn't come out of it until around 11 PM. By then it was to late to do any good lol. Passing out at one, I was woken by the little guy at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30,3;00, you get the picture. And my currently least favorite sil, decided it would be a good idea to call at 8:00 this morning. She's leaving today and wants to play happy family for the afternoon. I just wanted sleep lol.

I have been thinking about the difference between possessiveness and jealousy.  Possessive is secure and mostly sane, it doesn't come with unwelcome emotions that are horribly difficult to control. It is about Knowing something belongs to you and being secure and confidant in that belief. Jealousy is insecurity at it's best. I comes with all sorts of horrid emotions and confusion. I have a bad case of both (I don't care if people think that makes sense or not). Alpha, well, He's just possessive and it works quite well for him.

Anyways, I'm not sure why I was so off kilter yesterday. Maybe it was because I'm worried about tomorrow. Though, Alpha pointed out that any day we talk about Him fucking another woman, I generally have a bad day. He said that the biggest reason He hasn't already done it is because He doesn't want to hurt me, or us, or our dynamic. Which I do appreciate. He also seems to think my fuses are easily fried. He said He's afraid I'll blow one and it might be irreparable. And at the time, I did feel like my wires were running a little hot (not in a good way). It's funny (well, not really but, why not), how He can say something, and what He says He means and what I hear are not the same thing. He said that He was afraid to bring home the "sweet cute little checkout girl" because I was "mean and horrible and might make her go commit suicide" (see, special effort not to filter just because I know You're going to glare at me). Now, sentences like that don't sit well on my mental scales to say the least. He went on to say that He didn't mean I was a horrible person (ahem, repeats previous sentence ten time in my head*), but that I had a tendency to share my displeasure freely (well, that's not the exact words He used, but I remembered the other ones just fine lol). 
Of course, it didn't help that the whole conversation occurred after He had teased me that I should go out and chop up all the wood because I "need the exercise anyways." Wtf...I was going to say the exercise bit myself actually, but it was way different because He said it. Which of course He just had to point out afterward lol. It's kind of odd how how He can tease me all day long and it kind of just rolls off. But as soon as He touches on one of my insecurities, everything changes.

Long story short, He reeled me back into my place by talking to me for half an hour and then we watched a sci-fi movie with poor plot. All in all, it really was a pretty good day and it ended good too. Well, except for that whole, up every half hour all night long bit lol.

"Can I get you anything else Sir?"

I was sweet and pleasant all day yesterday. Translation: I was snarky, out of sorts, and prone to bitching. My mom had offered to watch the boys (it's been about six months since we had a night to ourselves), we were running late to drop them off because Alpha had been trying to figure out what's wrong with my car, and the big boy had been an absolute monster complete, complete with horns and cloven hooves, all day. So naturally, since I was in such an acquiescing and loving mood, I was absolutely thrilled when we got to my moms house and Alpha took off to the mechanics in order to bolt parts back on my car. Then of course we argued in the driveway about my attitude and what we were going to do with twenty four hours to ourselves. By the time we got to the restaurant (twenty minutes before they opened), I was in a completely foul mood and He was totally fed up with it. Now, He could have stopped it hours ago with a little initiative by putting me in my place (please note my skilled ability at displacing all blame here), but He let me keep sinking into bitch zone. Of course, being twenty minutes early to the restaurant, and not having small children bouncing around the car, gave Him ample opportunity to return the favors I had happily been handing out all afternoon. Someone once said that necessity was the mother of invention. I would plead the case that it's evil, not necessity. He whipped me with the freakin cell phone charger. I took it gracefully in stride by pointing out that I wanted to choke Him with it and didn't need to count the blows. Twenty minutes can be a very long time. All I'll say is, I did not choke Him with it, I did count (rather loudly), and when we went in to eat, our wide eyed waitress was a woman I had psych class with a few years ago (she was as bad a waitress as teammate. No grudges here). Of course lol, she was not an issue. Now the cute little thing who wasn't old enough to serve alcohol with an ass Alpha was more than happy to inspect? Completely different story. "Can I get you anything else Sir?" Hmmmm, "no He's good but I'll take your head on a platter with a side of psychotic bitch please and thank you." Gimme some credit, I didn't say it out loud. No jealousy issues here.

It's a typical reaction from women. They drop their eyes, lower their voices, and politely "Can I do anything for you Sir?" Until I'm blue in the face and He's grinning at me without even bothering to fake shame. I think that jealousy is my single largest issue when it comes to being a submissive.

Anyways, it was all good. We came home, watched porn and fucked on the couch. I slept until 10:00. It was a miracle. I can't remember the last time I slept that late.
So all in all, despite it's ups and downs, yesterday was a very good day.

Love is good lol.

Introspection and the obvious

The problem with introspection, is that you're bound to find things you don't really like about yourself. A non-conversation regarding Jessica Alba's ass (which I must admit is ridiculously nice), last night got me thinking about jealousy. Specifically, why I am such a jealous person. It's not a nice emotion to express or feel. So a little non-complimentary introspection led me to my answer. It is, of course, not pretty, but it's true--My jealousy revolves around my own self image. What makes me jealous of the women He see's in daily life and would fuck given the opportunity? I see in them things I lack. All physical traits which, after two children, I no longer have. In a nutshell--I am jealous of others because I have a poor image of myself. The ironic thing is, I have had women literally tell me they hate me for dropping the weight of two pregnancies as if it was never there. But when I look at my naked body in the mirror, the tracks are very obvious. I suppose the root of my jealousy had a simple answer, one right in front of my every time I look at myself. But sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to grasp especially if the answer is one you don't really like.

Which leads me to--Not seeing the obvious. There's a post over at A Dominant Character (over on the right>>>) talking about "how He knows" in response to a post on Whatiwonder (also over on the left>>> Uh, I mean right. Give me some lazy leeway. Two links in one post before work is just to much lol).
It's the obvious and simple things I have the hardest time seeing and accepting. Like simple concepts--they fuck me up. I love algebraic equations, long division of polynomials, anything to do with the quadratic equation, you get the picture. Yet stuff like simple grade-school division? Alpha has to walk me through it and remind me how it's done every time. It's a rotten trait to have that is really only useful in college and not always applicable to reality. For life's every day crap and getting your kids past basic math, it's total shit. And I see it in my boys--the two year old can count to 14, is working on his ABC's, and talks like he's four. But he can't tell you a tree is "green."

The obvious is often illusive to me which is probably why I'm so damn intorspective. And the problem with introspection is that you don't always like what you find.