Sunday, September 29, 2013

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know that I have comments to respond to, but the computer is running frustratingly slow. I'll get to them soon.

A while back, I read something that got me to thinking...
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Then I read a comment on another blogger's post, and the thoughts floating around in my muddled brain finally had to seek release.

It's so true you know. And I think that the panic of having got what one asked for, occurs a lot in relationships where the submissive partner has asked to incorporate D/s into a previously vanilla marriage.

You want him to really Dominate you, you want him to be consistent, you spend time cultivating his Dominance, and encouraging him to really take the reins. You want more--you need more.

Then one morning you wake up. And you realize that there's no going back, that you unleashed a monster, and that monster now rules your existence. And it's not just me who has had this experience!

Often, subs seem pleased about this turn of events, because it means that the relationship has successfully developed into some form of power exchange. Of course, it is also means that things don't go according to one's own plans--they now go according to his.

Then, there are the times when subs seem genuinely unhappy about said turn of events--they got what they asked for, but it didn't come in the form they had imagined; therefor, he surely has it all wrong, and this whole D/s thing isn't going to work because he's clearly not doing it right.

That's a laughable approach to D/s.
I think that people find themselves in that place when they don't really think through what they have asked for, and what the reality of it might look like.

That's not to say Dominants are perfect because they are Dominant. Oh no, they too are flawed members of the human race, and they do screw up. But when someone has asked you to explore a new path, to express repressed parts of yourself, to lead in a whole new way, there is no confidence killer quite like consistent criticisms of doing it wrong. Especially when they come from the person who asked for it all in the first place.

So be careful what you wish for. Because when you are wishing to be the s in a D/s relationship, getting what you asked for means that your Dominant will be getting his way. And if you set the beast free, you must be prepared to feed it.

32 comments:

  1. Very well said..I get that way sometimes and I don't think we've hit that 100% where I'd like to b yet..

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  2. "And it's not just me who has had this experience!"

    Certainly not! Overall, I'm loving it, but then there are those moments of "I'm totally subsumed, aren't I?"

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  3. Oh - crap - you mean His way - as in - not how i told him to do it, but whatever he comes up with that might not actually be what i would have wanted...?

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    1. gg,
      Exactly!
      And that's pretty much how it sounds in my head too...

      Delete
  4. Oh, you are so right. It didn't take me long to figure out my fantasies were much better than the reality. Thank goodness he never took me seriously about the whole D/d,DD or whatever you want to call it thing.lol

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    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      LOL!
      Oh yes, fantasies are awesome....

      Delete
  5. You did it again. You put into words, very well written words I might add, what I've been drafting. Whewww! Glad I don't have to worry about finishing it. :)

    When that novelty wears off and reality sinks in, often times it is realized that life didn't turn out as expected.

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    Replies
    1. Sarah,
      Oh no, you should totally finish it!

      I think that the novelty is much like the honeymoon phase of a relationship...

      Delete
  6. *applause* This is brilliant, lil. And I have had these same thoughts and have often said that phrase referencing other bloggers bemoaning gifts of Dominance, and consistency - 'be careful what you wish for'. There is another saying, when you have freed something, you are responsible for it - as you said so eloquently - you must be prepared to feed it.

    <3
    cd

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. cd,
      Thank you!
      Nice to see you drop by.

      Delete
  7. Love this post, because I get this. It seemed like one day we went from me wanting him to be the 'dom of my dreams', to him making me to be the 'sub of his dreams', and I had a few oh-crap-what-did-I-get-myself-into-moments. However, for us anyways, the reality over what I imagined has been a good thing.

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    1. Aurora,
      Interesting how difficult it is to pinpoint the exact moment when things turn around like that!

      Fantasy is awesome, but ultimately, reality will always be better because we can actually live it.

      Delete
  8. I loved this lil...so much its given me inspiration..fuck knows i need it..excuse my language.

    It made me reflect on how difficult it was for me in the beginning with Master, because although we started as D/s i really was not as prepared as i thought i was when i asked him for enslavement....so its not just those going from vanilla to D/s.

    x

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    Replies
    1. tori,
      language excused lol. Glad to hear it--fell into a major inspiration slump lately myself. I think that one of mouse's recent blogs inspired me out of it.

      Hmm, I hadn't really thought about it in the context of starting out as D/s. That makes sense because no matter how we start, it really is a huge adjustment.

      Delete
  9. This post is further proof, as if we needed more, that you need to write a book.

    This is one of my fears; to find out I didn't want this all along. I question why I believe I will be not be that girl that changed her mind. Truth is, I got nothin'. I can only hope...

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    1. Misty,
      Lol, thank you. You are entirely too kind.

      And I do think that it is possible to want to change one's mind, but continue to explore beyond that feeling.

      Delete
  10. WOW lil!!!

    This is an amazing post and I am embarrassed to admit that I am guilty of this. I'm also wondering if you read my blog and then posted this?? lol I totally felt like you were talking directly to me. This isn't for the weak or faint at heart. And I'm sooo nervous that I'm not going to be able to do this.

    "But when someone has asked you to explore a new path, to express repressed parts of yourself, to lead in a whole new way, there is no confidence killer quite like consistent criticisms of doing it wrong. Especially when they come from the person who asked for it all in the first place."

    That was really hard to read. I do this! :( OMG what an eye opener. Thank you so much for this post. You really have made me see things differently. Still not sure this is going to work for us, or that I am capable of doing this....but I sure am going to try! Thanks again!

    subrina <3

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    Replies
    1. Subrina,
      This has been sitting in my drafts for a while. Now I have to come on over and read your blog!

      Sometimes it's easier to see that we do things when we get a glimpse of it from another perspective. I think that the realization in itself is an important step.

      Delete
  11. Fantastic post Lil, and well written. You are definitely not the only one to experience this!

    It can so hard when the fantasy becomes reality, especially when the reality doesn't quite match the fantasy in your head. You are so right too. There is no greater confidence killer for a Dominant than being told he is doing it wrong.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thank you Roz!

      I think that we sometimes struggle so much with adapting to the reality, that we kind of can miss how wonderful the reality is...

      Delete
  12. Yes! But that next level of loss of control is a massive turn on.

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    1. Giles,
      Oh how very right you are....

      Delete
  13. There are aspects for my relationship in which reality has exceeded my fantasy and then fantasies I know are meant to remain as such and whenever I wonder if that would work for me or him or us...I have to think really hard to know if it is what I really want or something I just want to dream and share about..so I like the "be careful what you wish for" :-)

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    1. Terpsichore,
      it can be surprisingly difficult to decide what is something you really want, or as you said, something to dream.

      I love it when reality exceeds fantasy!

      Delete

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