Monday, July 22, 2013

The "Good" Dominant

I don't spend a whole lot of writing time talking about what I think makes a good Dominant. Mostly because this is about me and my whining submission, and I don't believe that it's my job to tell him how to do his. However, I read a couple of Tumbler posts that really made me think about "Good" Dominance.
Tumbler does not allow endless comments (damn them for that), and since it's really not my place to rant about the anonymous idiots who comment on another person's blog, here I am.

How exactly do people form the concept that to be Dominant means to have no respect for those they Dominate? Given the phrasing, I am going to go out on a very short limb and conclude that in a "few years" these particular men have gone through a number of "subs". I wonder why they never stopped to think that maybe their attitude is why they seem to be going through subs so fast...?

If you want a submissive to respect you, give her something to respect.
If you want her to do as she's told, give her a reason.
If you want to keep a submissive, you have to give her a reason to stay.
If you want her submission, inspire it!
If you want her respect, give her something to respect. If you have to constantly "Enforce" her respect, that's not really respect--that's fear.

I think that what really bothers me, is the notion that you can force someone to respect you.
Respect is a positive emotion. Respect is holding someone in high regard because they have shown themselves worthy, respect is a positive feeling of esteem for another human being.
You cannot buy it.
You cannot trade it.
You cannot force someone to feel it.
You earn it.
And, much like trust, respect is much easier lost than gained.

Force has it's place in all D/s relationships, but if it is constantly necessary, is that really D/s?

If you always have to force her to submit, if you can never be gentle for fear she will gain the upper hand, if you believe that she is not worthy of your respect and acceptance, then you aren't really a Dominant.
You're just an asshole with a superiority complex.

In fact, if a "dom" is so afraid of losing control of his sub that he has to be an asshole about it all of the time, then he doesn't have enough faith in himself, self control, or personal fortitude, to Dominate an ant.

That's not to say Dominants are never assholes. Everyone has their days. But D/s is consensual--nobody has to stay and put up with that shit every day.

Alpha wants my respect
he wants me on my knees
he wants me to please
he wants me to obey
he wants my willingness to do anything for him.

Those are not desires that can be fulfilled with force.

He behaves in a way that has earned my respect
he makes it so that I want nothing more than to be on my knees
he inspires my desire to please him
he controls in a manner that makes me want to obey
I am willing to do anything for him because he has done everything for me.
I am his because he accepts all that I am.


  1. You always have good advice so the newbies (like me)can learn :)

    1. saturn,
      I dunno about always, but thank you for the compliment!

  2. I love Khalil Gibran.

    Excellent post, lil.

  3. Your words are so encouraging and heart warming..they made me make a vow to be more submissive and show him things in me I havent in a long time

    1. Daisy,
      Glad to know that I was able to offer inspiration.

  4. I think there's a distinction between sustainable lifestyle dominance - which is what you are advocating - and something sharper and shorter.

    As a sub, I like having my feelings disregarded. I like obeying unconditionally. I like being mistreated. However, not 24/7.

    1. Giles,
      I do agree that, overall, there are distinctions to be made between short and long term. Though, I don't see myself as advocating for one over the other.

      There are many times in my relationship where I appreciate the mistreatment and disregard that you mention, but those moments do not negate his respect for me, nor do they negate the fact that he has earned my respect.

  5. Yeah, I'm not real big on reacting to a status someone has conferred upon himself.
    You don't get to be Master of the Universe just because you see yourself that way - you have to make me see you that way, too.
    And I gotta tell you... I'm a hard sell.

    I could dance on a soapbox for days on this one -- but I'd just be restating what you've already covered so nicely. :-)

    1. Jz,
      have I mentioned lately how much I adore you?
      Lmao @ the Master of the Universe!

      I rather think that it's best to be a "Hard sell" it means more when one is "sold". I know that I'm not really making a whole lot of sense, but I hope that you were able to translate my confudlement.

  6. Fantasy is nice, no? Coming at it from a different angle, i can relate to the desire to be a little disregarded, a little mis-handled, a little walked on. That's a little hard to admit, but it's also very clearly in-my-head and in reality confined to certain times and situations. I would never be able to withstand and, well, get off on that if what you wrote so nicely weren't the solid foundation under it all. Very nice post.

    1. gg,
      oh fantasy is awesome!

      I think you really summed it up perfectly--that foundation is what makes everything else work the way it does.

      Thank you!

  7. Clap clap.

    YEah. BIKSS has never had to force anything from me. The respect and trust I have for and in him, are only there because he gave me his first.

    We've also talked about this many times (about people we know whom I think are a**holes but fancy themselves dominant). as you eloquently put it,

    " if a "dom" is so afraid of losing control of his sub that he has to be an asshole about it all of the time, then he doesn't have enough faith in himself, self control, or personal fortitude, to Dominate an ant."


    1. Fondles,
      There's plenty of forcing around here, but I think that works because that respect is already established...

      Thanks for the "Amen"!

  8. Excellent post Lil, very well said. Given me good food for thought. Thank you :)


    1. Roz,
      thank you! Glad you enjoyed the post.

  9. Even as a Dom I agree with this 100%. It is very well said. As a Dom, I only have the authority and power that a sub has given to me. And she should only give that to me when she is ready and feels I have earned and deserve it...not because I have required or demanded it. My actions should speak for my place as a Dominant, not my loud voice and self-declaration of a title of who I claim to be. Very nice post!


    1. DV,
      Nice to see you here!
      I agree, as with most things in life, it is what we do that shows who we are, not what we say and declare ourselves to be. For everyone really.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  10. Yep..nodding here.

    Its about context as well though, i like that he can show disregard to my feelings in when he is humiliating me..which i love.


    1. tori,
      I think that they are not mutually exclusive, because I too love that disregard.
      Hmmm, thinking I might have to do another post now lol.

  11. So beautifully put. My Swami commands my respect he does not demand it. I am his slave because he inspired me to surrender my ego, will and independence to him

    1. Desi Daasi,
      Thank you!

      And I think that you make a great distinction here--he commands your respect rather than demanding it. There is such a huge difference.

  12. This is a beautiful post, lil, so very well stated. Respect must be earned on both parts. We serve each other, we feed each other, we need each other.


  13. I just found your blog and wanted to say thank you. This particular blog is so well said. Respect truly means a lot. I feel it is one of the foundations for trust. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.


    1. His slut,
      welcome to my crazy corner!
      I am happy to hear that you are enjoying it.


Play nice.