Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Controversial Concepts

I am offered a lot of opinions on this blog. If I didn't want any interaction, I wouldn't allow comments, and I certainly wouldn't respond to them all; however, I have noticed a slight tendency to censor my own opinions in deference to others lately.
I'm less than pleased to see the people pleaser part of myself emerge here--there's a difference between being respectful of others, and caring what they think to the point of not saying what I really believe.


This one has been simmering on the back burner of my mind for some time.
Before I get going, I would like to say that mid post, I realized there are a couple of ladies out there who I genuinely like that may take exception to this post. I sincerely hope such is not the case--my purpose is not to be offensive or attempt to minimize anyone else's relationship.

I have often seen the statement, "Online Master/slave relationships are just the same as live in Master/slave relationships." This is often followed by a proposal along the lines of online M/s creating a deeper mental connection than real life, because that is what they focus on the most.

My personal opinion? They most certainly are not the same, and while I will freely admit to the possibilities of deep online connections, you are not going to dive further down the mental rabbit hole online than you can in real life.

I realize that many online couples feel strongly about their relationships, and a number of those relationships evolve into happy and healthy marriages. I'm not knocking that. I think those relationships take a lot of work, and the people who successfully turn them into 24/7 relationships deserve everything they have worked for.
The one's who never turn into daily life relationships, well those are relationships too. They involve feelings and real people. There's nothing wrong with those relationships either--they are what they are. And that's okay.

But to claim that there will be no issues when one has to pick up his dirty socks every day, that there is no difference between turning off the camera and going to work in the morning, that online and real life M/s is the same, and the online perfection will continue when daily physical proximity loses it's shine?
That is a concept which I personally find rather ludicrous.

No matter how well we know someone online, we are still allowed to live with the image we create in our minds. The image of them, of ourselves, of how the relationship will be when and if it goes to the next step.

She is the perfect slave because you haven't really had her at her worst.

He is the perfect Master because daily life hasn't provided an opportunity for him to be otherwise.

The perfection you perceive is a myth made easier to perpetrate by a lack of proximity, and the closest any of us will ever get to that perfection is being perfect for each other.

Being under someone's control in a non-physical world will never be the same as living it 24/7.
When you live life as a team that is arranged around power exchange, there will be challenges and possibilities that you have never even conceived of, there will be differences and disputes that you previously would have never believed possible.
Of course, there can also be amazing moments and connections beyond your wildest dreams. But they don't always come easy.

I resent the occasional assertion by an online slave that my struggles somehow make me lesser because ttwd comes easily to her.
For those who are able to completely avoid the struggles like mine? I admire your belief in yourselves, or whatever it is within you which makes that possible. I really do. Struggles do not a submissive or a slave make.

But for those of you who have not entered the kind of reality I know, and find my struggles unreasonable because you are always such a good girl, because he is an amazing Dominant, because you live your own kind of reality, because you never struggle with doing as you are told...

How easy will it be if he is badly inured?
How easy will it be when you completely disagree about something really important?
How easy will it be if your Dominant accidentally drives over the family dog?
How easy will it be when you just want to sleep and he wants something else?
How easy will it be if he wants to fuck someone else?
How easy will it be when the mortgage comes due and the bank account is empty?
How easy will it be when everything you believe is turned upside down and inside out?
How easy will it be when you truly realize that you gave up your freedom in search of something great, and that the challenges along the way might exceed the apparent limits of possibility?
How easy will it be when you actually enter reality?


  1. If you could see me you would see that I'm giving you a standing ovation. Since you can't see me, I'll just leave a comment.

    I think people don't know until they've done it. It feels like the most deepest, amazing-est connection EVAR because they haven't had anything like it before. They think this is it, the pinnacle of connection because they haven't lived it any other way yet.

    There is nobody (NOBODY) I know who has moved from online to real time who hasn't looked back and said "I was so. fucking. wrong. It is WAY different/harder/deeper/whatever when you live together. I had no idea."

    Or.. worse.. have completely failed at the real life transition because it wasn't even what they imagined it would be/he wasn't they thought he would be/she wasn't, either-- and they did not even like what the reality of it was.

    Master gets a fair amount of chippies hitting on him, offering things, wanting to be his or a part of us, making big promises and talking hot... and I'm just sitting over there thinking, mhm. let's see you after 10 years of picking up his dirty socks. Pssh.

    I like to remind him that all of these online hot-for-master slaves will eventually turn into me, lol. Because that's what happens when real life interrupts fantasy. Takes the wind right out of his sails, by golly. :)

    1. kaya,
      *Takes a bow*

      I think that you are quite right about it feeling like the pinnacle because they haven't lived it any other way yet--it's difficult to really grasp something like that when you haven't lived it.

      I nearly spewed coffee all over my keyboard at "they will eventually turn into me". Uh huh, I'm filing that one away for future use.

  2. I agree with you. It is different - like the difference between what you want and what you have (fantasy vs real life).

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Since I have never done the online dom thing, I really can't compare the two. Sure real life relationships are hard, and we have to accept each others lack of perfection, but the other, well, I don't know, it seems rather dull in comparison to having a living, breathing person come home at the end of each day.

    1. ksst,
      I think that there really isn't any comparison to that living breathing person.
      I'm sure that online presents a whole set of challenges of its own of course, but I do think that those challenges differ.

  5. Each morning Daddy absolutely wrecks the bathroom. Like you need a gas-mask within 30 feet of it. He says with his characteristic smirk, "I only eat what you feed me, luv"


    It's hard to get that point across -- that it is different, vastly so and some just don't understsnd it or refuse to see it.

    You made some excellent point lil!


    1. omg, mouse. I choked on my wine reading this comment. LOLOLOL!!!!

    2. Mouse,
      Right, life is different when you share a bathroom and everything else.
      LOL. I'm still laughing, can't help it.
      NOT the mental image I had of him at all.

  6. While I'm sure the emotions can feel just as real, it's NOT real life.
    It's just not.
    And it's horse hockey to say it is.

    1. Jz,
      Ooh, "horse hockey" I'm going to borrow that one for daily life!

  7. Welcome to the dark side lil... Hands her the cookies

    1. If you were truly the dark side, wouldn't you have lied about the cookies?

    2. Master's piece,
      Ooh, thanks for the cookies. You're in league with my closet Gremlins aren't you?

      @lm, oh, her sharing of the cookies definitely proves that she's quite settled on the dark side.

  8. Oh boy! I have thought this same (well maybe not exactly these words, lol) for a long time. I had a vanilla friend tell me, "if someone says they have never/never have marriage problems they are lying." Every relationship has struggles. Every life has struggles! Blueame said in a comment on one of my posts, "All of us struggle with us (if they say they don't I wonder...) even those of us who have been D/sing and TTWDing for awhile."
    Nobody should minimize anyone's struggles. The whole 'Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes' thing applies.
    As far as online vs. real life: duh. Like Sunny said, fantasy vs real life. One really has no idea what it's like to live with someone until they do. Loving someone might make it easier to pick up their dirty socks, but he will still leave his dirty socks on the floor. Online is like the honeymoon. Living together/marriage is what happens when the honeymoon is over. (Every honeymoon ends!)
    Very well written, as always.
    Ps, love the 5th paragraph under the picture, the ludicrous statement :)

    1. Sarah,
      I love your honeymoon analogy--very fitting.

      And you have a wise Friend!

  9. Controversial Concepts


    Funny that you feel like you have to censor yourself on your own blog--I've been feeling like that too, a lot of late.

    1. Bleuame,
      I'm not sure where that self censorship bug jumped out of--it's never really been much of an issue...I'm busy trying to stamp it out.

  10. An online Dom will NEVER, EVER have a migraine so bad right as He ejaculates in His sub that He falls over screaming and is holding His head after having His wonderful way with her for 3 hours. An online sub will, NEVER, EVER run around the room trying to help the Man and starts sobbing because she is still having an orgasm so intense she is getting the floor wet and feels so horrible because He made this amazing thing happen, yet she actually feels guilty because it feels so good, but even His pain won't turn her body off. IT will NOT stop and neither will HIS screaming!!!! Real Life is freaky sometimes.............

    1. luvs2pleases,
      Oh...Well, no, I would think that's not a common issue online or otherwise.

  11. I am so new that I have no real experience in anything, although I would so be open to an online relationship BUT I would absolutely have to have physical contact (eventually & as often as I could) .. so would that constitute a LDR vice an online D/s relationship? (I would not think a relationship that lived purely in the virtual world could ever come close to the adventure of real life)


    1. Lost Kittie,
      I think that many successful relationships do begin online. But there are differences between physical relationships and one's that aren't.

      Oh I dunno about the definitions, seems like both would work just fine!

  12. Very well said lil. Its a different experience having to deal with the day to day crap that goes along with life in person. Seeing and experiencing moods and having no way to turn it off because they are always right there but finding your way through. That is tough but it brings you deeper as well.

    1. dancingbarez,
      thank you.
      It does bring you deeper, and I certainly would never want to exchange picking up his dirty socks for a lack of his physical presence.

  13. I totally get the self-censorship thing. And I hope you don't. We learn best from each other when we tell the absolute truth. In some ways, I think I get more truth from people I don't even know online that I do from people in real life who have something to lose. So, don't hold back! And, BTW, I totally agree with you. I can't imagine an online relationship being the same as an in-person. That creation of mental perfection, as you say, is a fiction. A beautiful and powerful fiction, yes...life-changing even. But, reality is a much more complex ball of wax. Imperpection is what teaches us the real truth behind D/s, M/s. When we accept our Doms or subs as real, living, breathing, imperfect people, that is a true gift.

    1. Brigit Delaney,
      This censorship thing is rather new and disturbing for me--I'm nipping it in the bud lol.

      I agree that it can be a very powerful and life changing fiction, though fiction will never be the same as a true story.

      And yes, I find one of the most beautiful things about ttwd to be the acceptance of imperfection. I think it brings us closer to each other.

  14. Of course on-line isn't the same, and you know I'm in two. I've had the same thoughts reading comments in your blog, other blogs, and on Fet. Having been married for 31 years I am well versed in stinky socks, the hangry(hungry angry) grumpies, and not getting what I want for the greater good.

    My on-line relationships are very real, and surprise surprise, (shh,don't tell David and Big Bad that I know) because they are real relationships I know neither of them is perfect. I say real in that none of us are playing a role, perhaps at the beginning, but at some point you have to let the real person shine through or it isn't real.

    The emotions are real, and intense, because of the D/s nature of the relationship, but are they as intense as if I lived with one of them? Oh Hell no.

    I struggled with that line between saying what I really mean and what i think people would want to read. How do I look? What will they think? You know what? I hope you continue to write what is you, Lil, and not what you think your readers want. Because seriously? You uncensored is what I personally want.

    1. lm,
      Yay! One of my "I like her" ladies is not offended!

      I think that one of the lovely (and awful) things about feelings is that they are so ethereal and can be created and experienced in so many different ways.

      We'll see how everyone feels about my faulty brain-to-page filter when I quit smoking...Things could get ugly lol.

      Thank you--I prefer me uncensored too.

    2. Just quit and get it over with already ;) We'll deal with ugly and then move on.... :)

  15. I have an LDR with my master. Hoping that at some point to have a 24/7 relationship. I would never think to criticize someone who is already living it.

    I think the hardest part for me is, the not having the personal contact like you get from living with the person.

    I will tell you the week before last was the hardest. We had lost contact because my masters phone shut down and he couldn't get it to turn back on. We have never gone that long without contact.

    I wouldn't censor my writing for anyone but my master, so he is not hurt.
    sorry I hijacked your blog with my response.


    1. Jodi,
      Oh no worries--Hijack away!

      I would imagine that it could be very difficult to not have that personal contact. Every form of relationship comes with unique challenges that are dependent on the individuals and their situations.

  16. i absolutely loved this lil ... and what do you do when your Dom is just being a Dom-ass ... it happens ... no screen, computer, phone to turn off?
    not wanting to knock anyone else's relationships either but have wondered these things myself.

    1. wednesday child,
      When he's being a Dom-ass...I try to let him know it and stay out of trouble at the same time. Apparently it's a fine art which I have yet to fully master lol.
      And yes, there's no off, or walk away. It's different when you don't have those choices, I think.

  17. Blogger needs a *like* button.

    Bravo for tackling this, remember we mentioned this here in comments a while back? its a sensitive subject i think because there are many who are in online dynamics, or primarily online and its not about causing offence or 'knocking' them which is difficult to get accross.

    I think kaya knocked it on the head well, no-one can comprehend how different it is until they are doing it, day in, day out, as real as predominatly online relationships are, because they are real people, it is not a realistic potrayal of M/s 24/7 tpe, no matter how some may like to believe it is, they have yet to experience reality...and reality rarely matches the fantasy in ones head.


    1. tori,
      I could probably install the "like" thingy...But then people might just click it instead of commenting! So, everyone's inconvenience leads to my happiness. I must be more childlike than I thought lol.

      Yea...It's a very sensitive subject lol.

      Kaya did sum it up quite well didn't she?

  18. Your blog is my absolute favorite to read. Always very real. Glad you don't censor.

  19. lil, I would like to address the questions you posted about what it would be like for an "online" slave if certain scenarios happen, because over the past 8 years many of those things have happened to us:

    How easy will it be if he is badly inured? It will be extremely difficult because I would not be there to help him in any way! It was not easy for him when I had shoulder surgery, or gall bladder surgery, or was in survival mode after Katrina either, but who said it would be easy?

    How easy will it be when you completely disagree about something really important? Like whether or not I will go back to school? Or whether or not I will move to another town for work? Or whether or not I will even see my mother over the holidays because of the strain of our relationship? Or even whether or not to file suit against my ex for things he still does to me? Or...well, I guess those aren't important...

    How easy will it be if your Dominant accidentally drives over the family dog? Well, since I accidentally ran over a baby kitten the other day, I guess it would be about the same as that, maybe.

    How easy will it be when you just want to sleep and he wants something else? Just as easy as it was when my ex wanted to do the same, over the course of a 19 year marriage.

    How easy will it be if he wants to fuck someone else? See the above answer.

    How easy will it be when the mortgage comes due and the bank account is empty? Just as easy as it is now when the mortgage comes due and the bank account is empty. Life happens. Stress happens. I won't be able to make money appear living with Padrone any more than I can now.

    How easy will it be when everything you believe is turned upside down and inside out? Like when I was raped while I was in a place I thought I was safe? On the same night that his sister was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery? Or maybe the times when I was sexually abused by family members? Or the blackmail I endured by my ex because he found out about my "lifestyle"?

    How easy will it be when you truly realize that you gave up your freedom in search of something great, and that the challenges along the way might exceed the apparent limits of possibility? The same way I felt the first time my ex abused me a few weeks after my wedding, probably.

    How easy will it be when you actually enter reality? How easy it is to say that I am not living in reality now, simply because I do not live with Padrone. I am 48 years old, have a history of a long term relationship, have experience as a submissive in "real life" as it were, and nothing....NOTHING....has ever completed me as this relationship does.

    My point is that if someone is going to live in a fantasy world about D/s, DD, TTWD, or whatever one wishes to call it, then they will live there whether their relationship is online or not. It is those who have realistic expectations of a relationship, ANY relationship, that will work to develop successful, meaningful, satisfying relationships - no matter the means of connection between them.

    1. schiava,
      It is unfortunate that, despite my attempts at careful wording, you took such offense at this post.
      Do please accept my apologies for your obvious discomfort with my opinions.
      While I realize that some people may be offended by this post, such was not my intent.

      I sincerely hope that your two examples of it being like it was with your ex are incorrect--he does not sound like he was a very nice person at all.

      I believe that your responses have really illustrated my point about the differences between online and offline relationships, as opposed to negating it.
      And I completely disagree that someone can truly live in a fantasy relationship when a person is living with them in daily life.

      We will simply have to agree to disagree. And that is quite alright.

    2. lil, I am afraid you misunderstood what I typed, or rather that I typed it in a way that was totally incorrect. I am not offended by your post - but I admit to being offended by some of the comments, which are not your thoughts.

      I wasn't trying to prove or negate anything - I was answering the questions you posed in your blog. Something that nobody else did, and I felt that I have enough experience in both types of relationships to do.

      My ex was a terrible person with whom I stayed only long enough for me to find a safe way out. But it took a long, long time with an abusive, controlling jerk to realize the need to escape since I was raised in a "marriage is forever" family.

      And honestly, there are a lot of people who believe that marriage, or a long term relationship, will make their life better....make them a better person....those who have "Cinderella fantasies" of happily ever after....especially in face to face relationships. Just as there are submisssives who are looking for a "CalgonDom" to take them away, many people are looking for their "Prince Charming" to make them happy.

      Relationships, imho, can only be happy if each person has realistic expectations of what it can be, and accept realistic limitations of what it cannot be. It is why so many marriages fail, why so many relationships break up, why so many people are so unhappy in relationships...they have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is and isn't, or can and cannot be. My point is that people check out mentally/emotionally from "dirty sock" relationships, even if they cannot or choose not to leave physically, once the romance or "honeymoon" is over.

      I have experienced both types of relationships, and several "hybrid" types. Again, even if someone may think I live in a perpetual honeymoon period simply because I do not pick up Padrone's dirty socks, I will simply say that I know whereof I speak, and there is no way possible I would EVER go back to a real relationship with someone who does not care about me as much as Padrone does.

      And it would make him smile to hear me say that it truly doesn't matter what others think of our relationship, but I've really had this "online=fantasy vs. face-to-face=REALITY" conversation way too often.

      So, while I obviously did not communicate what I hoped to communicate, I will agree with you that agreeing to disagree is probably the best course. While I can read your words without judging how your relationship occurs, obviously I am not given the same type of respect. That's cool. One does learn as time passes, doesn't one?

      I would ask, however, how one can consider bloggers that one has never met a "real friend" while one cannot consider a love between people who have never met a "real relationship". I'm actually finding it quite amusing that I have lived, by the standards of many people who have commented here, for 8 years in a fantasy relationship. I obviously have a very rich imagination! And if that's all it is, I'll just stay there because I am happier and more fulfilled than I have ever been in my life!

    3. Schiava,
      I must admit that I have never taken quite as much issue with a comment as I do with this one.

      I do not appreciate your apparent need to make barbed remarks about the thoughts that other people have shared here (thoughts that I happen to be in complete agreement with). On my blog. In a conversation that You chose to join in.
      No one came by and left negative comments about your specific relationship in response to you.
      Your whole approach is as if the post and the comments all revolve around you and criticism of your relationship. I can assure you, that is not the case.

      In response to your question, my personal opinion, is that I am not seeking an intimate relationship with any of my fellow bloggers. And that makes all the difference in the world.

    4. May I interrupt for just one tiny minute? Thanks.
      Having a long distance relationship is not and never will be the same as having a live in relationship. It just isn't. Circumstances are different, elements are different, reactions are different, many, many, many things are different. It's just the way it is because they are not the same.

      Sorry for the interruption, lil.

    5. lil, point taken. Thanks.

      *laughing* Sarah if you read that I am trying to say that a long distance relationship is the same as a live in relationship, then I think you may need to read my comments again. My point is, and was, and always will be that they ARE different, but that does not mean that one is better or worse than another, as has been represented here. Again, obviously my thoughts that my relationship is not less than anyone else's because I do not live with Padrone means that somehow I am living in a fantasy world. I am not the one who made those statements, or who made those judgments about anyone else. And since my responses are not in any way welcome here, I exit gracefully.


Play nice.