Monday, March 10, 2014

Un-slavey Feelings--Resentment?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you another nonsensical ramble from lil and her issues. Today's topic comes to you courtesy of an emotion known as resentment.

"I don't want to be good...Sometimes I resent it so much--the things you want me to do, doing as I'm told, not being in control..."

It's true. Sometimes I resent this power imbalance with all of my cold little heart.

"I know. That's okay." He replied, kissing my forehead.

Ever the over-thinker, I of course, asked why. I mean, how is that "Okay"?

"Because it shows that you are bending to my will. You resent it, yes, but you do it anyways because you are mine."

I had to think about this. You see, I always thought that resentment as a bad thing--I mean, it's not exactly gracious slaviness now, is it?
I certainly don't feel resentful all of the time, but when I do, I feel like I shouldn't. It had never occurred to me to view it as an acceptable, even desirable feeling.

Resentment is defined as,  "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury"

Hmmm...And he's okay with that?
Because regardless of the emotion I'm feeling, or the situation of the moment, I will do as he wishes. I will eventually bend to his will. Always.
And it's easy isn't it, when the feelings are nice and you want to do what they want, even if only because they want it.
I'm not even always accepting of making that cup of coffee right now, (seriously, he has legs!) let alone happy about it. There's lots of silly little things in daily life, and it's just because he can. They aren't a big deal for me, but sometimes that feeling builds...And it becomes resentment. 
And he pushes, sometime he'll even go out of his damn way just to provoke me.

Eventually, I will burst and the rudest of words will come out of my mouth, paving the way for how I really feel. Which isn't pretty.
He smiles that beautiful sweet smile
and grabs me by the throat
leaning in he whispers
that however I really feel is quite alright
because I will always, inevitably bend to his will regardless of those feelings.
And sometimes it's better that I hate it in the moment, that I resent what is asked of me, 
that I struggle against his bonds because the bending is that much sweeter, and sometimes, the meaning becomes even deeper.

In that moment, struggling quietly for air, when he's staring into my eyes and it's okay to hate him just a little bit, in that moment, all of those things I felt disappear.
All I know is need for that peaceful sense of pleasing
all I know is that, no matter how much I resent it, being a slave to him is what makes me happy.
And often that means being a slave to his whims. Even when they are irrational and irritating.

When he smiles that beautifully dangerous smile, and I can feel the inevitability of his will wrapping around my soul...Then is when I know that I no longer need my walls, because the cage of his will is going to keep me safe. And this is why I accept whatever forms his control takes.


  1. This about covers it. Lovely post, Lil.

  2. Wow!! Just..... wow!!! Beautifully written. :)

    I've gotta ask, how long did it take you to write this?
    What do you do when lets go of your throat, after you gasp for air? Do you fall to your knees? Do you stay looking into his eyes? Do you back away and do the task he asked? Just curious.....

    1. Sarah,
      the writing of this one was actually unusually swift. Maybe 15 minutes? Dunno, a post usually takes me longer than an five page paper takes most normal people.

      After...I get really close. There's this spot on his chest and I swear it was made just for my head. I just lean on him and kinda snuggle up standing. Until I get the dismissive pat and occasional shove towards whatever I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes i say something cheeky and borderline acceptable. Ahem. But I still get snuggles.

  3. I love your issues lil because it makes me feel not so much alone in that it doesnt just happen to me, of course i would love it even more if the issues were not issues at all but heck i figure there always has to be something to improve on otherwise everything would stagnate surely?


    1. torie,
      lol--I do not always love my issues. But I know what you mean!

      Stagnation is no fun. Got to keep things interesting, right?

  4. Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      we don't have to admit that publicly!

  5. MMmmmm, nice! That really does cover it, I agree. I get that little nagging feeling of resentment occasionally. Really how could we not? He's never told me he likes it though. I don't know that I've ever even expressed it to him (agh, that makes my transparency attempts not so nicely transparent, doesn't it?) I deal with it myself, push it out of the way, get over it.

    1. ksst,
      transparency is a tricky thing! Then there's always those times when you think you aren't but you actually are and then you feel like a dweeb. Oh yea, that's probably just me...

  6. Beautiful post! It made me cry. It is exactly...that. I could have never put that into words so eloquently.

    1. Thank you Baby C.
      I am touched that my words evoked such a strong reaction.

  7. lil, you have a way ... you make "bitching" beautiful or maybe I just enjoy watching you argue with yourself. ;)

    I have a question if you are so inclined ... How would you REALLY feel, if you were given a day "off" ... to not bend to his will ... to be "free" .. just for the day?

    1. geekie kittie,
      awww, lol! I have never been told that my bitching is beautiful.

      Thanks for the question! I'll try and get to it soon.

  8. Loved this post. Glad I'm not the only one who *sometimes* gets resentful (which is the perfect word for this). Also, I second Sarah's question: what happens next? :)

    1. HisLady Aurora,

      Thank you!

      I answered Sarah's question in my reply to her comment above ^^^^^

  9. "Then is when I know that I no longer need my walls, because the cage of his will is going to keep me safe. And this is why I accept whatever forms his control takes." I haven't been able to put this into words for him - i think maybe i'll just send him here - thank you.

  10. Ah resentment. I was there yesterday and very rude all day as a result. You have a way of wording these feelings so eloquently. It also seems that Alpha knows how to handle you in those moments!

    1. Tomsrose,
      those days are rough, aren't they?

      He knows how to handle me in all moments. Though, I do try not to admit that very often...

  11. cor blimey, you've gone and done it again - written a post that could be about the contents of my head! I'm going to run away 'eeping' now, cos these are realisations I've been trying to ignore...

    1. mc kitten,
      the next meeting of Over Thinkers Anonymous is Tuesday at 6:00 P.M. I'll bring the coffee.

    2. excellent, I'll bring the cake.

      everything is better with cake.

  12. Wow Lil, once again I am in awe. Simply beautiful. Yes!



Play nice.