Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman

I have been musing about this post for a while now--it seems like a concept that would go nicely next to "I Want My Husband to Dominate Me."
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.

The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.

I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.

So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.

It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.

If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.

If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.

So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.

Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.

Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.

What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.

Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.

The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.

And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying  that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?

Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.

This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.

Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.

Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.

Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.

Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.

I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.

"To fashion these blades, the smith not only must possess physical strength, but also patience, dexterity, and a refined eye for the limits of the material and the beauty of a finished sword."
 --Edward Hunter

"It has been said that the samurai's sword was his soul. Perhaps this deep attachment had something to do with the perfect melding of form and function found in the katana, as the famous curved sword is known in Japan. Invented a millennium ago, the katana remains a marvel of aesthetic beauty and skillful engineering."
—Rima Chaddha and Audrey Resutek

So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.

While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.

23 comments:

  1. I could add: be aware that you might get what you want, but that it is not what you imagined. Being the dominant is hard work and you won't be compensated by always getting your way. Those moments, that you want your way to prevail, are the really tricky moments.

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    1. Thank you Bas. I have found that the same holds true for submission.
      It was inevitable that I leave something important out (even with all those words).
      I think you deserve extra coffee for making through the whole post! Damn thing was exceptionally long, even for me. It probably should have been two...Or three lol.

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  2. From One Submissive to AnotherDecember 12, 2012 at 9:49 PM

    I totally agree with Bas. One of my biggest fears is what happens if i get what i want completely and its not what i imagined. We had a long talk about this tonight and he couldnt fully understand it. Oh well it will take time....really good post, I'm going to ask him to read it too, its really well written. Always good to remind myself its a jorney...and starting (i hope) was the hardest part. Geeze I've got to stop reading your blog before i go to bed, you give me too much to think about lol.

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    1. From one submissive to another,
      you totally made my day!
      After I posted this, I realized that it was sooo ridiculously long, that it would be a miracle if anyone made it through the whole thing without their eyes glazing over.
      I'm thinking about taking the second half and turning it into a page on the blog after a little bit of tweaking (like borrowing Bas's thoughts and incorporating a bit of other stuff)...

      Hope you got some sleep lol.

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  3. Great post! The search phrase "how to make her submit" stirs up something inside me. You cant MAKE her. You have to EARN it. It can be a very complex and emotional process that should not be taken lightly. I enjoyed reading!

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    1. Kitty,
      Glad you liked the post, and even made it through the whole damn thing!

      Interestingly, one of the most common search terms that lead people here is "how to make him dominate me."
      Ironic right?

      I do actually think that you can "Make her submit." But it's not true submission--coercion like that bypasses the use of free will that is essential for a D/s relationship, and will never lead to real surrender. And the only time it's a feasible course of action is if the power exchange has already been established. In my opinion, it's impossible to start out a real D/s relationship like that though.

      And yes, I totally agree, submission must be earned. Given blindly, it's a bit like putting a pretty bow on a pig--the decoration doesn't make it something it is not.

      Hmmm, maybe I should have finished my coffee before responding to comments this morning...

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  4. Good points made, i would imagine it can be quite overwhelming introducing D/s into an established relationship because of change? what if one isnt as keen, or it just doesnt go the way it was hoped and could actually end a relationship?

    Its a big step

    x

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    1. Thank you tori. It ended up being exceptionally long-winded, even for me lol.

      I do feel like the change is really difficult to adapt to--you have your established ways of relating to each other, and it all gets turned upside down when you make such drastic changes to the basic structure of the relationship.

      I wonder how often it is the demise of marriage. I also wonder though, would the results be quite as bad if the relationship was completely stable to begin with?
      I dunno, it's a really difficult situation when people realize that their wiring is not as compatible as they once thought it to be...
      Though that's an aspect i don't think I'll try to tackle anytime soon--because it's an area I'm even more clueless about.

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  5. Speaking as someone who walked the path that you describe, I have to say that your suggestions are excellent, lil. One other tip I'd add is to be both patient and gently persistent. My own relationship has proceeded in a two-steps-forward-one-back fashion since it began, and it would have been easy to get frustrated and give up. Accepting the reversals, regrouping and then pressing forward again has proven to be a key to success.

    I wonder how many D/s relationships start from the Dominant side and how many are begun at the desire of the submissive? I would initially have thought the Dom-starts would far and away outnumber the sub-starts, but I have begun to suspect that this may not be the case.

    Well done as usual, lil!

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  6. Jake,
    Thank you! And thank you for adding your thoughts.

    I think that sub-starts far outnumber Dom-starts. Comparative to the number of people who visit my crazy corner, the "I want my husband to dominate me" post I wrote has gotten far more visitors than anything else I have ever written. And I only wrote it in July of this year.
    I think a lot of subs want to bring in the D/s. Though I don't know how many actually do...

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  7. My wife and I have always assumed the D/s role as I being the Dom. The other night although we established in concrete that I am the Dom, and she wants it that way. Which brings me here (as well as many other related sites), to do my research in being the best Dom that I am capable of being. I found this page quite incite full, Thank you lil, and keep up the great work!

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    1. Anon,
      I realize that this post is excessively long lol. Glad you made it through and found something useful.

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  8. awesome post lil! stumbled across it while looking for something else ...

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  9. awesome post lil! stumbled across it while looking for something else ...

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  10. Phew...I have just finished reading your very informative blog, and let me tell you it was not too long at all. I wish for my husband to dominate me, but feel he needs some instruction as he does not get the whole EARN my submission NOT TAKE it! I absolutely want this, but how is it that the submissive must first start as the dominant and instruct him "how to"??? LOL...go figure?! I am going to read all I can of your page and see if I can get as much information as possible. I feel that it is obviously all a very personal journey and experience, correct me if I am looking in the wrong area, but what I want (and have expressed to him) is for HIM to totally control me in the bedroom by knowing my body and desires so well, that I willingly submit to HIS knowing that I will be rewarded by his kiss after his bite, his caress after his slap, his love and pride in me after we are both totally sated..?

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    1. Anon,
      I assume that you read the post on the list with this one titled "I want my husband to Dominate me"?

      It is very much a personal journey. The "right" area is defined by your husband and you, so I can't really answer that. But, I can say that, while it's wonderful that you know what you want and have communicated that to him, I think that you will find that expecting things to be done a certain way (your way), can be detrimental to going further into ttwd.
      Ultimately, what we as submissive's get and do, is what they, as Dominants choose.

      Not sure I actually answered your question...

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  11. The number one thing that is not mentioned here is ...God. HE alone has the power to influence someone - without having to do anything. If you want to dominate your wife (in bed or any other area), you must first submit to God. Without submitting to his rules about marriage - you will never dominate your wife. What are the rules? All the rules only apply to the man. The woman is always the reciepient of what the man does. If you want your wife to dominate - you are already out of God's plan - won't work. So, back to the man. First and formost you must cleanse your self of all internet pornography and looking at other women. Without this, you will fail. You must remain totally pure to your wife. You must not masturbate - this will undermind all your efforts. God see's all and he hates masturbation and a husband with wandering eyes. You must put God to the test. Make a pledge with Him about this and He will cause your wife to submit to you in any area. No special tricks, no books to read - just simple obiedience to God, and your wife will follow you like a little duckling. It's simple, and works. I know, because I have done it. I can get my wife to dress up in anything sexy and have as much fun with her as possible. She is at my disposal and loves it. She cannot resist me. But, I must obey God on the purity idea I mentioned earlier. There is more that I can add, but it get's into breaking spiritual curses from your wife's past and stuff like that. Jesus is the answer to getting any wife to submit. Even in the Bible it states " the women will desire her husband and he will rule over her". It's Biblical to dominate your wife. That's why so many men love this concept, because God placed it in them. Fish love water, birds love air, husbands love to dominate their wives.

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    1. Anon,
      I must admit that my first reaction to this comment was that it had to be a joke, because surely something this ludicrous could not come from a place of serious contemplation. However, after choking on my tea and rereading your comment a couple of times, I have come to think that your thoughts arise from a place of genuine belief.
      My husband does not conform to what you believe are gods edicts about marriage, yet somehow our D/s works for us. Just as it does for thousands of other like us. I also feel obliged to point out that there are plenty of successful, and dare I say happy, relationships wherein the woman is the Dominant partner. A difference in belief does not make someone an abandoned failure in god's eyes. I hate to break it to you, but god does not cause me to submit...

      Oddly enough, my relationship is just fine with all of its masturbation, porn, and lack of religious zealousness. In fact, I must say that your general attitude of god-given superiority, strikes me as completely ludicrous. And I guarantee that if you approached a woman like myself with the attitude that Jesus is the answer to getting submission, you would be laughed at.

      While I will accede that interpretation can allow for saying that it is Biblical to Dominate your wife, I must also say that D/s is not in and of itself a Biblical or religious act. In fact, I think that when one starts asserting that their actions are condoned and justified by god and god alone, one is treading in murky and dangerous waters in which they feel justified in all of their actions simply because they have decided that god is on their side.
      The concept of religion as a basis for Domination is something which I find deeply disturbing--people justify the most heinous of actions in the names of their gods.

      If my husband walked in tomorrow talking like you are now, I would have him sent for a mental evaluation, not fall to my knees is submissive adoration.

      As to the whole, "breaking spiritual curses from your wife's past" bit, well, I'll just say that perhaps your sureness in your own personal superiority is merely a very solid facade behind which to hide your own faults and insecurities.

      Honestly, I find your narrow and small-minded assertions about the only right way to do ttwd to be rather laughable.

      P.S
      If a man must be cleansed of internet porn, does that mean that printed porn is okay? Because I have some great books...

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    2. The proof would be in the pudding. I dare any man to test God and see what He does in their marriage. A Husband who submits to God's authority will always have authority over his own wife, children and home. This is a Biblical concept. The opposite of this is chaos and confusion in which the wife and possibly children head in different directions and undermine the peace and stability of the home. Women for the last 100 years have been heading in a direction that makes them oppose and challenge their husbands - as we can see the effects in our society. The days of women being called "Ladies" is gone. Women are being trained to be like men - for one reason - to compete in the home and spread fighting and challenging the husband's direction for the home. Women are taught the same education, play the same sports, wear the same clothes (but less), they are being taught to be like men - to be something they cannot be and that will never satisfy them. Who would I blame - the men. A lack of Godly men has caused this. A lack of strong prayer in the home - lead by the man - has caused this. Men must lead in this area. The only way to re-gain the proper design parameters that God set up for the family, will only begin with the strong effective prayers of husbands. Then God will hear their cries and answer them. You may say what you want, but I have seen this work over and over. I only speak it because it works. Experience is far more convincing than talk. Try it and see what happens.

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    3. Anon,
      If your persistence wasn't so annoyingly misplaced, I'd be tempted to admire your tenacity.

      I am my own proof. Your relationship and views work for you, mine work for me. I do not feel the need to seek you out and attempt to change your life approach, and I wonder what makes you feel that it is your duty to do so with me.
      I also feel obliged to point out that you are talking to the wrong side of a power exchange relationship--to portray yourself as a Dominant, yet attempt to affect changes in another person's D/s relationship via the submissive is not only a bit rude, it's unrealistic and ridiculous coming from someone who claims to know how ttwd works. Even if I was in the slightest bit interested in you proposal, the choice to "try it" would not be mine in the first place.

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  12. Well, hello. I do believe you were the first to comment on my comment, making you the one who wanted to "Correct me". Either way, my comments were made only to actually benefit persons who needed help. So few times today are we encouraged to chose a path that actually works. Submission to God works and will always work, But as you say, only for those who find their current situation not working for them. Continue in your current path, but perhaps one day when things seem different or impossible, God may be the only way. Working with God in good times will help when bad times come and there is no one or thing that can help. That is all I am suggesting.

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    1. Anon,
      I think that we will just have to agree to disagree...
      http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.com/2014/11/religion-absolution-and-name-of-god.html

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Play nice.