Thursday, October 11, 2012

Getting What We Want

I have been thinking about this whole "getting what we want" business. It's a subject that has been cropping up on various blogs, mostly the ones of new submissives.
This morning, I read one tori wrote, and it's clearly not an issue that only myself and people new to this kind of life have to deal with.
I decided that rather than leave a mile long comment on tori's post, I would come back and take up space in my own little corner.

Originally, the biggest reason I didn't bring my desires for a D/s relationship to Alpha's attention, was that I was afraid of what would happen if I got what I wanted.
It's a reasonable fear right?

I think that sometimes we focus too much on what we want, and forget to think about what getting our desires might actually entail.
Conversely, it is quite possible to spend so much time wondering about the ramifications, that we make it impossible to achieve whatever it is we are hoping for.

It seems that the adage "be careful what you wish for," applies to many of us subs. Because we want something, and then if we get it, we often have what I call "Oh shit" moments. And I have had lots of them.

I wanted a D/s relationship where we actually lived in an exchange of power.
One day Alpha sat me down and informed me that if I wanted to treat it like a game, he wasn't playing. He said that it was going to be all or nothing--I had to commit fully to it or back out now because it was not going to be a game.

He told me to carefully consider my decision because, one way or another, we were not going to go backwards. I think it's pretty obvious what that decision was...

Looking back, that was one of the biggest turning points for us when it comes to the D/s aspect of our relationship.

Yes, there have been many times since that had me saying "Oh shit! What have I done?" But it's not a decision I would take back. He knows me well. And he knew that half-way would never work.

I guess I got distracted...

My original thought process (1 cup of coffee ago), while largely inspired by tori's post, was mostly about the people who are new to D/s relationships.
If Dominance and submission is something you want to explore, it is well worth taking the time to consider what might happen if you actually get it. Fantasy is great, but it rarely meshes well with reality.

If you want to Dominate, what does that mean to you? If it's just about getting your way, and doing whatever you want, chances are you aren't going to be a good Dominant. You have to be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being the person in control, and think about how your decisions impact the one submitting to you.
That's a very simplified view that leaves out a lot, but it works for the point I'm trying to make about really trying to think through what you want.

By the same token, if you want to submit, what does that mean? Is it a game you want to play for fun? Or is it the way you want to live. And if it is the way you want to live, how might that impact your life?
I believe that submission is very much about surrendering to the will of another person. If submission is what you want, and you get it, the results often come in the form of not getting your way. Submission is defined by our Dominants--not dictated by the forms that we think it should take.

I have lots of experience with preconceived notions. Lord knows, I've had plenty of them. And when one is exploring this kind of thought process, it's really easy to get loaded down with those notions. Nothing is set in stone, and things rarely turn out as badly or perfectly as we think they will.
So I believe it's wise to think it through, but not to get too stuck in those thoughts.

My fantasy of submission is generally about those moments crushed up against the wall, that intense feeling of being conquered, the incredible experience of bending to his will.

But that bending is not always something that fits fantasy.
When you live submission, sometimes it's about checking the mail, getting up at the crack of dawn to make coffee, mucking around in the dirty laundry, making cookies at midnight, and a whole host of things generally unrelated to the whips and chains many of us love so much.

We don't always get what we want. But I think that in a good relationship (of any flavor), we get what we need. Sometimes it's more or less than we asked for. Occasionally it is something completely different than what we wanted.
It's okay to struggle with getting what we want. And it's okay to struggle with not getting what we want. As long as we end up where we need to be.


  1. I still struggle with this everyday and some days I just want to throw in the towel. It feels like what I give will never be enough, like ther are too many outside factors that pull me in different directions.

    The I remember to talk about it and it does not seem so bad. Now if I could just get down the how to talk about it part that would make life much easier.

    1. dancingbarez,
      Ooh, the how to talk about it part...I'm still working on that one myself. It's surprisingly difficult sometimes isn't it?

  2. I think the biggest issue wannabe subs forget is, "What's in it for the dom!"

    Glad you are where you want to be :)

    1. Giles,
      Oh I an think of plenty of "what's in it for the Dom!" Usually when I'm filing a complaint lol.

  3. Going in with your eyes wide open, communicating ...that is so important. Your post was very thoughtfully written. It's goof to be exactly where you should be on the hilly road of life.

  4. I like this a lot. Especially in light of so many recent posts and private conversations with people truly struggling to define their commitment and find their way. Long past the stage of getting what you think you wanted :)

    Well done, as always.

  5. Another powerful post, imo Lil. i think actually living submission deepens our connection to our Dominant, and helps us become more completely who we are. It's not a game, and it's a lot of work sometimes, and it can be so worth it.



    1. Thank you aisha.
      It really can be a lot of work...But yes, it is oh so worth it.

  6. I think too often the idea we have of submitting rarely matches the reality and thats a struggle, i still struggle with him and submitting when i feel 'threatened' but all too often its because im scared of 'letting go', i still fight to hold onto those damn walls sometimes!

    Thanks for the link, and you know no matter what stage anyone is at there is so much to be learnt, about ourselves as individuals as well as being a couple exploring this lifestyle, and sometimes when i think i have finally 'got it' something happens that makes me feel im right back where i started...its that whole 5 steps forward and 3 back scenario lol


    1. tori,
      "letting go" still bites me in the ass quite a lot!
      I'm also quite familiar with taking five steps forward and three steps back lol.

      I think that one of the wonderful aspects about ttwd, is how it encourages us to continue growing and evolving no matter what stage our relationships are in.

  7. I like this one. DH often asked me are you sure? Yes I am sure, and still in moments where he says I thought I am leading and you are following, I have to look at him, and realize it all over again. Submit to him all over again. But I do like. Actually I wish he did it a bit more. Babysteps.

    1. Julia,
      Glad you liked it.
      Baby steps are good! It's better than crawling, and running is quite overrated imo.

  8. You've touched at the tricky point.
    Translating the fantasy and the great ideas in Day to day life.
    The discovery that it is not a game that you can play and put back in the closet when you're tired of it.
    To recognize TTWD in day to day life is not easy, and lots of couples just give up at this point.

    1. Bas,
      It really is an incredibly sticky point.
      While this particular turning point was years ago for us, I'll always look back at it as an even bigger turning point than actually starting ttwd. Because that's when we really jumped down the rabbit hole.

  9. That was one of the biggest favors SP ever did for me. He already knew me like the back of his hand -- but as an "ex", there was nothing in it for him, except helping me become happy. So I could really listen when he walked me through the fantasies and got my feet settled on terra firma. He'd point out, "If you get this, it means this ..." and really made me think about the consequences of that reality.
    He also helped me understand that it is still OK to be myself, that expressing my submission did not automatically abnegate my rights to my own thoughts, preferences, and expectations.

    Knowing him helped me work a whole lot of kinks out of my kink - months before I finally got a chance to try it out for real.
    Everyone needs an SP.

    (But you must find your own! I'm too greedy about the limited time I get with him already!)

    1. Jz,
      Oh doesn't it just make the biggest difference in the world when they point out that "getting this means this..." because myself personally, I don't always think things through like that lol.

      I think that one of the biggest things I have learned about this whole submission thing, is that it is sooo much about being yourself.
      Of course, I'm still busy falling off the learning curve on a regular basis...

  10. Very good post! I have the "Oh shit, what have I done" moments too, but much more often are days like today when everything I want is wrapped up in submitting to him, and we are able to give each other so much that way.

    1. ancilla,
      Thank you.
      I to find that I don't have those moments as often as I used to. Though they do occasionally occur when I'm least expecting them...

  11. All good points. Some moments I sense He is hovering, about to leap forward in his HoHness and my stomach tumbles because I know that I have no real idea of what it is going to look like, feel like...And if He leaps, well-I sort of have to follow, right? Lack of control-so not my favorite. So how on earth did I end up here?

    1. Saoirse,
      Blogger ate my first response...Not sure where it went lol. So to try again...

      Alpha has often called me a submissive control freak, which does lead to the question of how did I get here. But i think that is part of it--it's stressful being a control freak. And the only way to let go of it (for me), is to have him take that control away from me.

  12. The whole dynamic is just so damn - dynamic. What i want and need is for us to be connected - one of those "i know it when i see it" things- we know when we are there, and when we aren't. We work hard to stay there. The rest is dynamic, and i'm learning to wait and see what comes along instead of wishing.

    1. gg,
      lol yes, it is very dynamic isn't it.
      Waiting to see what comes along instead of focusing so much on what's ahead, or what I want to happen, has always been a pretty big issue for me in all areas of life. I'm a work in progress...

  13. Excellent post, and important for beginners or the D/s-curious to read. Fantasy is wonderful, but when one attempts to turn it into reality, there are usually unexpected implications! And though there are moments when a real relationship can deliver on the dreams one imagined, there are also all those other hours in between.

    Love that Alpha had that "all or none" conversation with you! I'm sure he was confident which way you'd jump, but nonetheless it takes guts to draw a line in the sand like that...

    1. Jake,
      Thank you.
      I think that accepting those moments in between the dreams as special in their own right helps tremendously (I'm still working on that one).

      The conversation really was a sign of how well he knows me--he has often complained about my "all or nothing" approach to life lol.

  14. Well thank you so much for this. I am in an new M/s dynamic in an established, monogamous relationship, and while i have willingly submitted to my Master, I am having some issues with letting go. they are wrapped up in self image, desires, and old pre conceived notions. So thanks you, I know have some more to think about, Because I like this, I want this, but I'm a little scared. And my Master is kind, gentle, firm, and patient. And he adores me. And I think he understands, but I need to work out some of my inconsistencies...

    1. Anon,
      I am glad you found something of use in this post.

      I think that we all have issues letting go at one point or another. For some of us (like myself), it can be an ongoing issue that we work through over and over again as we progress.

      Feel free to email me if there's anything in particular you would like to discuss.

      Best of luck to you on your journey.

  15. I am in my first D/s relationship, and I am so grateful to you for this article. As a newbie I am looking for all the insight and advice I can get my hands on, and I am so glad I found your blog. Your writing is very insightful, and gives me a lot to think about for sure.

    1. little one,
      Welcome to my crazy corner.
      I'm happy to hear that you found something helpful here.

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