I have been thinking about this whole "getting what we want" business. It's a subject that has been cropping up on various blogs, mostly the ones of new submissives.
This morning, I read one tori wrote, and it's clearly not an issue that only myself and people new to this kind of life have to deal with.
I decided that rather than leave a mile long comment on tori's post, I would come back and take up space in my own little corner.
Originally, the biggest reason I didn't bring my desires for a D/s relationship to Alpha's attention, was that I was afraid of what would happen if I got what I wanted.
It's a reasonable fear right?
I think that sometimes we focus too much on what we want, and forget to think about what getting our desires might actually entail.
Conversely, it is quite possible to spend so much time wondering about the ramifications, that we make it impossible to achieve whatever it is we are hoping for.
It seems that the adage "be careful what you wish for," applies to many of us subs. Because we want something, and then if we get it, we often have what I call "Oh shit" moments. And I have had lots of them.
I wanted a D/s relationship where we actually lived in an exchange of power.
One day Alpha sat me down and informed me that if I wanted to treat it like a game, he wasn't playing. He said that it was going to be all or nothing--I had to commit fully to it or back out now because it was not going to be a game.
He told me to carefully consider my decision because, one way or another, we were not going to go backwards. I think it's pretty obvious what that decision was...
Looking back, that was one of the biggest turning points for us when it comes to the D/s aspect of our relationship.
Yes, there have been many times since that had me saying "Oh shit! What have I done?" But it's not a decision I would take back. He knows me well. And he knew that half-way would never work.
I guess I got distracted...
My original thought process (1 cup of coffee ago), while largely inspired by tori's post, was mostly about the people who are new to D/s relationships.
If Dominance and submission is something you want to explore, it is well worth taking the time to consider what might happen if you actually get it. Fantasy is great, but it rarely meshes well with reality.
If you want to Dominate, what does that mean to you? If it's just about getting your way, and doing whatever you want, chances are you aren't going to be a good Dominant. You have to be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being the person in control, and think about how your decisions impact the one submitting to you.
That's a very simplified view that leaves out a lot, but it works for the point I'm trying to make about really trying to think through what you want.
By the same token, if you want to submit, what does that mean? Is it a game you want to play for fun? Or is it the way you want to live. And if it is the way you want to live, how might that impact your life?
I believe that submission is very much about surrendering to the will of another person. If submission is what you want, and you get it, the results often come in the form of not getting your way. Submission is defined by our Dominants--not dictated by the forms that we think it should take.
I have lots of experience with preconceived notions. Lord knows, I've had plenty of them. And when one is exploring this kind of thought process, it's really easy to get loaded down with those notions. Nothing is set in stone, and things rarely turn out as badly or perfectly as we think they will.
So I believe it's wise to think it through, but not to get too stuck in those thoughts.
My fantasy of submission is generally about those moments crushed up against the wall, that intense feeling of being conquered, the incredible experience of bending to his will.
But that bending is not always something that fits fantasy.
When you live submission, sometimes it's about checking the mail, getting up at the crack of dawn to make coffee, mucking around in the dirty laundry, making cookies at midnight, and a whole host of things generally unrelated to the whips and chains many of us love so much.
We don't always get what we want. But I think that in a good relationship (of any flavor), we get what we need. Sometimes it's more or less than we asked for. Occasionally it is something completely different than what we wanted.
It's okay to struggle with getting what we want. And it's okay to struggle with not getting what we want. As long as we end up where we need to be.