Fact and fantasy

Okay, so I read a post this morning that got me to thinking about things other than bitching. Yay lol. Nilla did a post  (ooh see, I made a link this time) about why rape fantasies are a turn on. That's actually something I have thought about a lot because I have conflicting emotions about the topic. I have grown enough to accept that I'm a twisted slut but not quite enough to really be comfortable with all the aspects of it. One of those aspects is my fascination with rape fantasies. It was really hard to admit I had them at all. In fact, I resorted to my blog as a way of telling Alpha about them. While He happily decided to fulfill the fantasy, I think that overall He has some reservations about exploring the concept more deeply. When you have actually experienced rape, weird things happen at odd times. For the most part I'm fine. Occasionally, the random, innocuous little event happens, that funky switch flips, and suddenly things aren't okay. So when it comes right down to it, Alpha is afraid of breaking me (yes, Dominants are human too. For the most part lol). I don't know where the line is so I rely on Him to walk it. I would be a terrible Dominant lol.

So, my  question to is this: why are rape fantasies a turn on if you know from personal experience how awful the real thing is?

Dreams, what wicked things they can be

 He grabs me. Dragging into a bedroom He rips my clothes off and throws me on the bed with my ass in the air. i feel the cold hard steel of a gun barrel pressed against the side of my head as He thrusts in and out of me, using me purely for His own pleasure.
So what's more fucked up, that i had the dream, or that i found it a turn-on? It's a rhetorical question, not sure i really want to know what anyone thinks about that lol. The next morning when i admit my dream to M in the light of day *shudder*, He smiles softly at me and brushes a tendril of hair out of my face. "My damaged little one. That was an option but I didn't want to break you."
Everyone has fantasies. i don't care who you are, what you do, or how kinky you aren't. The only real differences are how extreme our fantasies are, and whether or not we admit to having them.

Morning coffee and fear in BDSM

In the morning, i hop out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, say good morning to my kids, and settle in front of my blog. Okay, well, that's not exactly right. In the morning (if M is gracious enough to let me off without morning sex, which goes against all that is good and right in the world. i haven't had coffee yet so sex is bad lol), i stumble blearily out of bed, grumpy that i'm awake at all. Stumbling thought the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, i throw on a pot of coffee and acknowledge my childrens existence with a grunted "good morning" and  "if you want food, make it yourself and don't ask me anything before my coffee comes up." Then my coffee is up, my kids have some form of food, and i settle down to ramble on the blog. Super sexy right? i know, i'm a dream in a sweatshirt lol. But come on now, we all live some sort of reality, and it's not all whips and chains all the time.

On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.