Thursday, January 31, 2013

Accepting the Darkness Within

That pesky drafts folder was piling up again...

For me, one of the beautiful things about D/s is being accepted for the darkness.
He loves the light and shine.
And the darkness.

Having someone peer into the darkest depths of your being, then continue to love and accept all that you are is...Freeing.

I have fantasies that he pried out of me word by painful word. And I was so sure that afterwards he would look at me like something nasty on the bottom of his boot, but he never has.
The closest that he ever came was a raised eyebrow and a shake of the head, followed by a smile and the statement, "My twisted little kitten."

For me, a big part of the D/s journey is about accepting my darker desires. Not necessarily having them come true, but accepting that I have them and that they are a part of me.
And accepting that I am not allowed to keep them locked up in my own mind, but must share them with him has been a large piece of that.
In all honesty, it is clearly something I still struggle with.

A great part of any acceptance I have gained lies in Alpha's acceptance, and the knowledge that any fantasy which becomes a reality does so only at his behest.

Our world is a complex web of opposites which cannot exist without each other. Where those lines intersect are the grey areas I have so much trouble with.
But without darkness, there can be no light.
And sometimes there is such a purity in the darkest moments, that the light becomes blinding.

I have found freedom in being owned. The freedom to acknowledge my darkness, and accept any forms it takes, because the direction it goes in is ultimately of his choosing.

No matter how twisted the desire, or how dark the fantasy, it is okay.
Because he will love and accept me anyways.
He chooses which ones come to fruition, and which ones merely rest beside us in the dark hours of night.

I think that one of the things which contributes to the sense of depth in D/s relationships, is that there is no hiding the darkness away and pretending that it isn't there.
The darkness is pulled out and inspected by the eyes whose opinions matter most. Then it is played with or quietly put away forever to remain where it belongs--a construct of the mind.

Yet either way, in shining light on the darkness, we are accepted for everything that we are.


  1. I really appreciate your post. I am glad that you have a safe place to be, in his arms.

    1. Thank you Blondie.

      I am quite glad about it myself.

  2. it is true for us too. we love talking about our fantasies, dark or otherwise, and everything we have to say is heard and accepted with much love and care.

    no judgement exists. and that is scary for me. for i have been fearful for SO long.

    1. Fondles,
      I guess this is where I admit that I hate sharing my fantasies?
      As much as he has never judged me, I still dislike that particular squirmy feeling I get lol.

  3. This was our topic of discussion with my sister sub today. We felt the need to discuss them and it took 2 days to first share them with the 3 of us, and then figure out how to share it with everybody else. I agree that D/s should force one to see all parts of whats within, if you're hiding it, you're not committing 100% to the relationship.

    1. Snowfaery,
      I think that hiding things isn't good for any kind of relationship, though I do believe that D/s makes hiding things more detrimental (if that makes sense. I'm trying. Promise lol).
      The more open you are, the better the D/s is.

  4. Very appropriate post. I'm learning this. It is not always easy. With the history I have of conditional love while growin up and trying to please so many people by doing and saying what I thought would gain their love, it has taken me til now to share some things with Dave that have remained hidden. I know there are still things he does not know. And time when my feelings I keep inside because I am still afraid to say something that he may find reason to love me less. I am the fool for not trusting him the way you write about. I have found a great measure of freedom in my submission to him; in being his; in trusting him as much as I do. I want to have it completely. I want what you write above. Thank you for sharing the words. You have given me much to think about.

    1. Jacquie,
      I think that it is possible to feel all kinds of things and have many different reactions without actually loving someone less.

      This is how I see it, secrets are like walls.
      We use walls to protect ourselves, and they often become automatic.
      When we get to the point of looking at a relationship from the aspect of Dominance and submission, all those walls count. Going through and taking them down one by one is like taking a step into closer proximity with someone--each step brings you closer to each other.
      Some steps are simple and take a day to make, and a little while to get used to. Other step take years and are far more complex. But the end desired result is the same--a deeper connection of some kind with another person.

  5. lil: I love this and I hope this particular post crosses the path of many who are new.
    This is such a great example of explaining what makes a D/s relationship more intense and how it can look like. Not hiding away desires-dark or otherwise and accepting that it isn't 'my' right to do so, was something that took me awhile to get my head around. There is freedom in being "owned" because by sharing with that trusted person, we aren't hiding from ourselves.

    1. Bleuame,
      Thank you!
      It is difficult to wrap your head around when even what we consider to be the most private kind of thoughts, are also their domain.

      I love your last sentence--spot on!

  6. So beautifully expressed, lil. We are accepted and cherished. It is a very good place to be,

    1. Thank you June!
      And yes, it is a very good place to be.

  7. I really have contemplated what I wanted to say to you for 2 weeks, lil. I would normally not need this much time to throw out a thought, however every time I reread this I bawl like an idiot. I am speechless, because I just can not for the life of me figure out how you know me? How can someone else have had this wonderful, sexual, awesome, scary as hell thing in them as well?

    When I told my Husband (all because of a book everyone was reading...hint, hint...we had a crazy good sex life already so I had no inclination to read erotic books)He just looked at me sweetly and said, "So you want what we already are, just add some really hot stuff to it?" "Now that wasn't so scary was it?" "Good thing you are smokin hot woman, cuz you are not very bright sometimes, if you think having all of this (He calls me, His grown-up play toy) at my beak and call is embarrassing than we are gonna have more fun than you thought!!!!" I have found out He really was meant to be this!!!! The stuff that has been in that Man's brain for me is a book in and of itself!!

    He suggested I find a place like this and I am so glad I OBEYED Thanks for being here.

    1. luvs2pleases,
      2 weeks?! I don't know whether to feel special or guilty lol.

      I am happy to be here, and always delighted to find out that something I wrote resonated with someone like me. It is nice to know that we aren't alone isn't it?

      Feel free to email me if you ever want to chat.

  8. I can relate on so many levels, Its insane. The Darkness exists and to exist in this manner as we are, must be accepted. I just always say, first must come some amount of self-acceptance, because I always felt that If you cannot accept what is within you then how can He/Her?
    Is is also so freeing in owning someone else as well as being owned. I've lived both sides of the D/s relationship, and I continue to do so (I am a switch and enjoy it immensely)and so is my Mate. And we both seem to have that issue of sharing our darker desires without squirming or feeling terrible in a way about them. I can accept mine, but H/he has snags trying to accept H/his own.

    Regardless, I'll stop ranting. Thank you lil - Not alone anymore whatever the respect.

    1. Beni,
      Sometimes I think that self-acceptance is one of the most difficult accomplishments.

      And no, not alone. And that is a very nice thing to know.


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