More...

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I think I have come, no matter the amount of energy I put into pleasing him, it's never enough.

He always wants...
More.

And, if you think it's the kinky shit, you're wrong.
Morning sex
checking the mail
morning sex
more compliance on every level
morning sex
more vanilla oriented service
morning sex.

I did mention that the morning sex thing is really a big deal for me...? I know it's something normal people look forward to, but seriously--I just want to go pee without asking permission (and not in the cup), make coffee, not feel that desperate desire for release, drink the whole cup of coffee myself, and completely ignore those around me.

You know how impossible it is to ignore a Dom, right?

Sometimes it's not even because he wants, it's only because he wants me to do what he wants. So I do.
I feed the beast, and I feed it, and I feed it, but it's never sated. And often it's not kink, it's coffee and tea, errands, and tone that used to be acceptable but isn't anymore, responses which used to be tolerated that are now punishable...

I love that he is too much for me.
I hate that he is too much for me.
I hope that he is always too much for me.

The more he takes, the more I give. Until I am sure that I am empty, that there is nothing left and I hate him just a little for it. But not as much as I hate the thought that he might stop because I want him to.
He demands more and more and more, until I am so empty that I become full.
His need fills me up, his desires bind me.

I love that he is too much for me
I hate that he is too much for me
I hope that he is always too much for me
and that I will forever be striving to feed the needs of that beast
but always, always I pray that he will find me pleasing
and that he will feed on me because long ago, I asked him to let the beast free.

To Enjoy Service?

Sometimes I think that I was born with zero desire to serve.
While I do believe that submission and service are different creatures, I also believe that service is a part of submission.
A part of submission wherein I usually fall flat on my face. Failing the full crash, some scrapes and bruises seem to be an inevitable side-effect.

I don't enjoy it--the lazy in me comes out full force and tries to force me to say "Make your own coffee, and leave mine alone!"

Something interesting happened last night though...I was making Alpha tea, and suddenly, in that moment, I felt intensely happy and satisfied.
Just because I was making him tea.

Totally odd. What's next, a desire to drink tea instead of coffee?!

In all seriousness though, while it sounds like a very very very tiny event, it was kind of a big moment for me...

To truly get a sense of pleasure from nothing more than serving him in a non-sexual way--it's not something that has ever happened to me (hey, evolution can be a slow process people).

To Serve

I'm not a very service oriented person. For me, it's often more about the rewards I receive than the service itself. I realize that's not very flattering, lol. It is however, true.

I realized something obvious about  service the other day--I try to serve how I think I should. Not necessarily how he wants me to.

Serving is about the needs and wants of the one being served. Not about how the one serving thinks it should be.

The thing is...When I don't feel like I am serving Alpha in some way, I feel like I should be. And that's just not natural for me. Or at least, until now.

Why don't I have deep and gargantuan epiphanies? It's like the things that should be obvious to anyone are my aha moments.

I live for that smile of approval, the touch on my hair and whisper across my cheek as he says "good girl."

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how deeply thing thing we call submission is taking me.
Part of me knows he does, then the part that knows I'm stubborn, and irritable, and easily frightened, and closed down, wonders how he sees through it all?

Does that make my service selfish? That I don't just do it to please him, but for the smile, for the times he says he notices how hard I try, for the sometimes elusive "good girl"? Do I do it selfishly because it makes me feel good to do so?

Second Guessing Versus Helpful suggestion

Okay, I have a habit (yes, just one...besides coffee and not wanting to speak or be spoken to in the morning before said coffee, and maybe several other things...). Never mind the obvious fact that I will probably be talking about a lot more than one.

Alright, back to habitual behaviors which are probably not desirable. Oh hell, who am I kidding, "probably not desirable" doesn't even come close lol. Anyways...

I have been accused of being unnecessarily critical and consistently being one of those people who is always second guessing someone, specifically, Alpha. Hmm...Go figure--He was the one who said it.
I think that being excessively critical has something to do with having high standards (I don't see my standards as a problem), and a need to try and create perfection by fixing something that may or may not go/be wrong. The latter combined with my somewhat reasonable approach are habitual behaviors that get me into real trouble.

The thing is...I seem to have developed this unreasonable desire to please Alpha. I mean, self improvement is a real bitch and it's rarely pretty when you take a long hard look at what needs improving.
And the desire to be better with no particular prodding regarding the offending behavior? Well, that's just not right.

It's odd you know...I used to have this desire to be pleased, and hey, I still like it, but I'm not attached to it in the way I was. Well, that's not quite right, maybe what I define as that which pleases me has simply begun to change.

Maybe it's a need for approval...Yes, that's it. And approval is much more self-serving isn't it?
The dictionary defines approval as:

1.	the act of approving
2.	formal agreement; sanction
3.	a favorable opinion; commendation

To please:

1. to give satisfaction, pleasure, or contentment to (a person); make or cause (a person) to be glad
  
4. pleased with  happy because of

Hmmm, maybe I like that pleasing Him gets me approval? So while they aren't one and the same, they are closely connected? Then again, knowing that He is happy because of me is a wonderful feeling...

In my defense on the second guessing front, I really am usually right lol. I think the difference come in the approach. You know, being helpful or just critical. 
And then there is always the question of does it really matter? I mean, is it one of those things that isn't going to make a drastic difference one way or another, in which case it's probably just best to keep my mouth shut, or one of those circumstances where going the wrong way is going to screw up everything. 
Maybe I just need to be more discerning...
 I suppose that it wouldn't hurt to bite my tongue upon occasion...not unbearably anyways.
Maybe.

Hand Jobs

Considering the fact that everything from my throat to my twat seems to be breaking down, I should have been happy about the requested hand job--it's not hard on the back, there is no requirement for anything to fit in the mouth, and downstairs (there's no time like the present to develop a false sense of modesty) is left nicely alone to fight it's own little infection undisturbed.
The thing is, I'm ummm, absolutely no good whatsoever at them. I think I have made Him cum maybe twice with my hand over the course of, well, ahem, eek--12 years. You would think this would irritate Him far more than it does me. But I'm not sure that's the case. Being able to take the morning hard-on and completely kill it while attempting to do the opposite--it's a real blow to one's ego. I mean, men all over the world do it to themselves every day. It has to be the easiest way there is of getting off right?? It says something very bad when He would rather take care of Himself lol.
He should probably be the one complaining, but He's got no inadequacy complex so I'll fill in the blanks. I have a mild obsession with being good at anything I do (okay, so "mild" is an understatement, leave me my illusions). And I am most definitely not any good at giving hand jobs. In fact, it seems to be the easiest way in the world to get rid of that morning hard-on. "Sure, I'll help you out, I can fix that for you--no need to cum."

Damn the obsessiveness of being a straight A student, cooking the best food, being the best at my job, giving the best blow job, and just generally needing to be the best or not be at all. Because obviously, I am not the best at everything (I know, a real shocker right). And I absolutely hate having to accept it lol.

Rabid bitch

 I suggest scrolling down a couple of posts or visiting the people over on the right to avoid random whining that may have taken over during the last couple of days lol.

I'm feeling a bit sad and angry. And quiet. Never a good combination. The quiet feeling means that I'm one step away from rabid bitch who eats children and other small animals. You know, the crazy woman down the road standing in her yard screaming and demolishing furniture bigger than she is? Yup, that's me (almost there lol).

On another note, still following the bitch vein of yesterday, I got my boss his precious air horn. It's for a boat. A forty foot boat to be exact. It will be very loud in a 15x15' room with a closed door, used by someone whos' afraid of loud noises (what's the technical term for that?). I assured the other attendant that it will only be used once. I'm fairly confidant of that lol.

All the shit aside, Alpha is off skiing today so I'm home alone which is pretty rare these days. I figure I'll clean up the house, make a super yummy dinner, and find my way to a much needed shower. Those are actually some of the things I miss most about not working--Those are the services I'm best at and I miss seeing Him stumble in and compliment the clean house while stuffing His face with good food He didn't have to make. Hey, we have already clearly established that I am Not a service oriented person so take what you can get lol.

Service for service's sake

I am not a service oriented person. When it comes to my relationship with Alpha, I really wish I was. But I'm not. Today I did something for Him that I really didn't want to do. He didn't ask me to do it and i didn't tell Him I was going to. Now for all the gutter minds like myself, it was not sexual, it was not extremely submissive, and it wasn't in the least little bit kinky. My action of devotion--I went through all the old bills and sorted a massive amount of ancient and long overdue paperwork for His business. And it was just downright depressing. Because it's a mess and a massive pile of debt. But it needed to be done and had been put off for a year. Part of me resented it because I made it clear a long time ago that I didn't want to do the books and He accepted that. Here I was sorting through the mess that was His business. On the other hand, I really wanted to see the look on His face when He saw that it had been done, the relief in His smile when He realized that all He would have to do was take it all to the accountant. And it was worth it. Absolutely worth it. The thing is, that's not all I wanted. I wanted the approval; the feeling of Him being pleased with me. I wanted a "good girl" fix and some extra attention.

So, do the motives impact the quality of service?

In a way, I think they do. Doing something just to please and not wanting or expecting anything in return is somehow...different in its outcome. It did make Him happy. I did get the approval and the feeling that only comes when he is truly pleased with me. But I didn't exactly get my "good girl" fix and I didn't get any extra attention. And I don't feel that should be an issue. Yet it is, because I gave Him a back rub, because He brought baby girl (our niece) home and I have to stay up with her (the child never passes out at a decent hour, I swear she has the go power of a fucking energizer battery), and then I will wake up in the morning, pack them all up, and try to head out early to do the kiddo's birthday shopping before hauling my tired ass to work. And I feel a bit under appreciated.
At the same time, I sorted the mess to make Him happy, I gave Him a back rub for His pleasure, I told Him to bring baby girl home so she wouldn't have to go back to a house without heat for the night. So I shouldn't have the slightest issue with any of it. My logic is fucked tonight. I'm not even making sense to myself.

The questions stand though--do the motives impact the quality of service, and if so (being inherently a bitch and not having a service oriented bone in my body), is it really possible to change that mindset and serve just for service's sake?

Dirty laundry

Okay, so the title is literal, not figurative, though there's plenty of that to go around too lol. For years I kept a really clean house. Mopped the floors every day, organized the clutter, everything nice enough to eat off the counters. You get the picture. Then we had one kid. Then another. And it slipped a little. Not quite up to my standards, but reasonably clean. Then I started working. And holy shit it went downhill lol. That's not to say Alpha doesn't clean, He does, but it makes Him super pissy. Though recently He got on a kick and started cleaning out the corners so I have been cleaning all weekend. The last load of laundry is now in sight. I appreciate His motivation. The thing is, you know when you come home and your Dominant says He feels like a domestic servant, that your mind and body are probably going to pay dearly because, well, domestic servitude doesn't fit them well lol. Now that it's almost back up to par, I should be able to keep it nice with the time I have. Anyways, that wasn't the main idea for this post, I just got distracted lol.
I spent years bitching about dirty socks. Alpha would stumble in the door around 10:00 at night, shed His clothing all over the living room, eat, and pass out. For a while, I had a laundry basket in every room of the house. Predictably, since the baskets were so prevalent, His clothing would end up somewhere near one, but never actually in it. And it drove me nuts. Nowadays, I don't mind picking up His laundry. It's kind of funny, because it was a huge pet peeve of mine for so long. At this point it's more of a service thing--I would rather pick up his clothes than wash my bosses tidy whiteys (I wish I was joking here, but I'm losing my sense of humor. Maybe I need it beat back into me). I adore cleanliness and I miss having a hot meal ready when He walks in the door. Since I mumble my way in after nine, it's just not practical so He cooks a lot more.

Alpha said He's going to restart the business come springtime. Part of me is going "oh thank god, I hate my job, the bills aren't getting paid, and it means no more identity crisis for either of us." Then the little selfish part of me doesn't want things to go back to the way they were. I work 3-4 days a week. When Alpha works it's generally 7 fifteen hour days in a row with a day or two off to sleep and stare at the walls. And I missed Him so much over the years. Since He hasn't had that schedule, we have really evolved in the D/s aspect of our relationship just because He has more time and energy. He did promise He won't push it quite so hard now, as far as His schedule from hell goes. So I think that it's a good thing. He's used to being the provider and it fits Him well. Staying home with the kids all the time is rough, especially when you associate your identity with a well-paying and very physical job.
So there's my random, completely boring line of thoughts for today lol

Shoes

After my rant, i was able to think more about why i am really having a hard time with my job (besides the obvious dispute over the kiddo). My least favorite thing isn't emptying urinals, sticking my hand down toilets (because toilet brushes are "unsanitary"), mixing up enemas, or cleaning them up afterwards; it's putting on his shoes. Sounds silly right? To me, being on my knees (or a similar position) putting on a man's shoes is a deeply submissive type of service. i let shit slide; his jokingly suggested idea that i wear a french maid outfit, his requests that i (not either of the other older or male attendants) apply lotion for him (something he is quite capable of doing himself), and his comments the one time i wore one of my shirts to work ( i usually wear M's work shirts, they are far to big for me and hide any semblance of shape lol). Dunno, i just hate feeling excessively service oriented in my job. It's service oriented work, maybe i'm just not cut out for it. It feels to...personal these days.
I hate shoes.

bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

I almost got fired this week. Still not sure it isn't coming so i started looking for another job today. i am actually rather pissed off about the whole thing, i must say. My kid had the gall to call me lazy the other day; in addition to that, i had to watch my mom's house by myself for the week. i really wasn't ready to stay there alone. it's the first time i have watched the house since my dad died and i just didn't want to spend that much time alone there. So, i decided to take the boy to work with me. i wouldn't be alone, and he could get a dose of reality seeing how i work my ass off at a shitty job. Yea, he was great. He worked his tail off with me, didn't speak unless spoken to, and was as close to friggin angelic as a kid can get. On the second night, my boss called me in and read me the riot act in a very nice voice and aggravatingly passive aggressive manner. "We didn't discuss him being here, what were you thinking, this is very unlike you! I don't want to be the bad guy so I'm not going to tell you you have to drive 3 hours in the morning to take him home and come back to work, but you just do what you think is best." Yea, i was thinking it would be a good lesson for my kid, i didn't want to be alone in my dead father's house, and my boss sleeps all day so would only have to be around the kid for a couple of hours. And yes actually, it is soooo like me to haul my kid to work. It's cleaning and running errands, not building rockets. i am sick to death of this man and the job. It's a service oriented job for a hypochondriac with medical problems who's to lazy to put on his own shoes or go to the bathroom to take a piss at night. i don't mind hard work and gross work isn't really a big deal to me. i get paid decent and i do a damn good job. More and more though, it feels like some kind of service, not a job i get to leave when i come home (i take all his calls at home, so i am basically working whenever the damn phone rings). i have a big problem with feeling like i'm serving not being employed. For one thing, in my mind, service is given to the strong, not the weak and pathetic. For two, the only person i am even remotely interested in serving the least little bit is M, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves. i don't mind being the maid. i have major issues with feeling like a servant.
Unfortunately, i have shit for qualifications and it's not easy to find another job that will pay me $12 an hour. i know lol, i have been looking.
To top it all off, i have been away from M most of the week, and now that i'm home (have to go back tomorrow unfortunately), M is busy working around the house and getting stuff done that He couldn't do during the week because He had the little one. i just wanted to come home and curl up at His feet, rest secure in the knowledge that He is the only man i will ever serve. To be where i belong.
hmmm, venting/pity party over lol. Dinner won't cook itself. On the bright side, i do feel slightly better now.