The princess complex, trust, and blind faith

Life has been nuts and I have been missing those little addictive moments of random Dominance.
Last night as I was curled up to Alpha's shoulder, I was thinking about the feelings that don't depend on anything to exist. They are there without physical expression, without the need for words as a descriptive process. They just are. Mainly, safety and trust. The protection I have when in Alpha's presence is quite important to me. It is one of the greatest and most tangible things He gives me. It's addictive and familiar. It offers a rhyme and reason to this crazy world we inhabit. It makes those sadistic tendencies He has more attractive, it makes me feel like everything's alright no matter what. And oddly enough? It plays a huge part in all my fantasies.
Alpha calls it my "princess complex" lol--the need to be rescued by my knight in shining armor over, and over...and over again. Maybe it's because of those times when there was no one to rescue me and I needed it oh so badly? I don't know. I used to find His analogy rather insluting (yes yes, I decided to leave the typo), but after thinking about it for a little while (a year...or two...or three...), I figured out that it's true and there's really no point in denying the truth to someone who knows me inside out and values truth above so much else. Here is one of those places where safety and trust intertwine. After all, can you really have one feeling without the other--my trust in Him strengthens  the safety I feel in His presence.
So my little complex? It stands. And sometimes she needs to be fed a little. And He's okay with that.

Trust is not the same as blind faith. Blind faith is what leads humankind into religious wars, unquestioningly into agreement with actions and atrocities that strip us of our freedom to make choices and express ourselves. Blind faith is dangerous--it is what leads us to follow planetary leaders without questioning the value of their judgment, it has no need for real trust or respect, it is little more than an age old tool to control the masses. A construction of man often veiled by our need to believe in powers greater than ourselves. I have never been good at blind faith. Faith should be based on acquired knowledge, not blind belief.
Occasionally, Alpha will want me to do or believe something based on blind faith (is it still blind if prior experience tells you someone is trustworthy and generally in the right?). More often than not though, He asks for things based purely on my trust of Him. And that's okay--because of that trust, He has earned a little bit of blind faith. And it's based on our experiences--not blind belief. Because while love and faith may at times be blind, what we have is based deeply in the knowledge of who we are and the dynamic we have.

Sassy?

We were lying in bed. I said something I'm sure, though I don't remember exactly what. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was something sassy lol. You are mostly obedient and almost always sassy (or something quite close to that. The fuzzies you know...), He drawled from His vantage point above my head. From my happy little nesting spot on His shoulder I wasn't inclined to argue, though I did muster up another sassy statement (like how I can't actually remember them? It's an acquired skill).
The thing is, He wouldn't have it any other way. He expects me to do as I'm told, but finds constant mindless obedience boring. Of course, it's not always easy to peg which direction I can run in lol. But He doesn't seem to have an issue directing my course.

It has been a completely crazy week and I'm glad to be home...though some real sleep would be a nice icing on the cake to be sure. When do normal children start sleeping through the night, because I'm pretty sure mine is malfunctioning just like his brother did.

Not enough time in a week

Last week has gone on for at least a month, i would swear.
All I got is:
12 hour days are overrated, they hurt--but it's unfortunate I will only get to do it once a week.
The mental health care system here is total shit and anyone who thinks it isn't is full of shit (seriously, there's nothing worse than having a family member who is mentally ill and not being able to find anywhere for them to go)
I asked my boss for a letter of recommendation--of course, I'll get a shining letter of recommendation, all I have to do is write it (?!?)
My eight year old is currently my hero for cleaning the whole house and doing a massive pile of dishes while I was at work
My two year old is obsessively cranky
I'm almost not sick anymore
I'll be spending the night with my mom because she's worryingly sick
It's raining!
I had a mind-blowing orgasm last night
No I haven't gone completely over the edge
And now I gotta go to work.

One

So I had some things bumbling around in my brain, then I started thinking about being accepted for who you are. I'm going to tie the two concepts together and hope they make some kind of sense. I am probably repeating myself, and maybe it won't come out all wrapped up in a pretty little bow, but that's okay because Alpha's crushing my various cute little boxes anyways lol.

One of the things I enjoy about reading blogs is the vast range of perspectives on ttwd. I come at it from the angle of a married submissive in a (so far) monogamous relationship. Because that is what I know and it has become who I am. So that is the point of view that I write from.

Alpha is insistent that I submit to Him. He also demands that I pretty much dominate anyone else I cross paths with which didn't used to be a stretch at all for me. But I have found that it is kind of difficult to switch rolls--so half my days off are spent resetting my frame of mind back to being submissive. By the time I'm completely back in my place, it's time for me to go back out and be a dominant force in the day to day grind.
But could I ever submit to someone else were I given the opportunity to do so? I doubt it. While the only men I seem to find attractive are Dominant, it is only from the safety of my submission to Alpha that I can accept that attraction as part of my nature.
For us, some limits took no discussion. There are simply lines that we both know we will never cross because that's just who we are. As far as those hard limits go, the list is short and mulling them over was never really necessary. There is one though that He's quite adamant about and doesn't really fall into the realm of obvious "no's"--that I will never be Dominated by another man. Quite notably, the clause is "another man," not "another person." Which I find somewhat objectionable. Because were I ever to be in the position of being Dominated by another woman, that would mean he was fucking her and, well, I may just have to rip out her eyes should she attempt to exert any form of control over me (hey, there's times it's hard enough not to reach for the implement in His hand and try to beat Him with it tyvm).
It is the concept of being Dominated by Alpha, and only Him that makes me comfortable saying "I am submissive." It gives me security to know that my submission is something belonging to Him alone and within the vast confines of such knowledge, that I can give all that I am (I am well aware that this is somewhat contradictory to my previous paragraph and I don't really care because I never claimed not to be completely contradictory lol).
Now here comes the bow (I was never that good at wrapping shit, so it may not be smooth and pretty lol). Knowing that He accepts me for everything that I am and will stand by me no matter what allows me to be as open with, and trusting of, Him as it is possible to be. I can be myself--whore, princess, obsessive, strong, weak, nice, mean, stupid, smart...And it's okay because He wants me unfiltered and honest. Above all, He wants me to be myself. That doesn't mean there's nothing He finds objectionable and strives to change, or that He doesn't expect me to muzzle my excessively sharp tongue objectionable statements, it does mean that He loves me for who I am--not who I may want to be perceived as being.

And that is why submitting to one works for me. Though, Him only Dominating one was never part of the bargain...but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. I'll try not to throw molotove cocktails at it if I see it looming on the horizon lol.

inadvertant self destruction

I am feeling a bit less psychotic angsty today, and while I feel like I'm suffering from a terrible case of the plague or something equally awful ( am so Not melodramatic), I think I have a something to say that does not revolve around the imminent destruction of others lol.

Last night Alpha stumbled home and asked for a back rub. Since I was fairly sure my head was going to explode, I said no graciously objected...Of course, I got "the look" which is just not fair because it always gets Him what he wants. Of course, I tried to avoid seeing the look (we used to have a dog who was sure if she didn't actually look at you when you were calling her,  she didn't need to come. I had something along those lines in mind). But even if you can't see it, that particular look still drills a hole into the back of your skull so the "I didn't see it, therefore it doesn't count" theory is completely useless.
I then immediately proceeded to slam my head into the partition wall by our couch (things like that take a special set of skills you know). He found it amusing and quite just, offering me solicitations in the form of a self satisfied smirk. I grumbled and complied with the back rub before any more inadvertent acts of self destruction came along to damage my poor little head.

Repressing rabidity--rant

I had a nice little post put together this morning that would have probably been sufficient to convince most of my readers that I am capable of (if not deserving), and mean enough, to have my very own mafia. Lol, yes, it was nastier than this. It really is possible.
The truth is, my fantasies of late have not been those deep dark dirty sexual things that you don't want to admit to anyone, they have been more in the vein of "you screwed me over and my life is disintegrating so I am going to break your legs and feel better afterword."

Anger is better than sorrow. It's easier than sadness, more pure than fear, more tangible and malleable than than misery. I have a mean bark, but I don't usually bite. And I'm thinking, I don't want to bark anymore. I would much rather just bite. Anger is an easy emotion. One that I have spent a fair amount of time indulging. But it's not really constructive (see, if I keep telling myself that, perhaps I will be less attached to my base emotions lol).

And the thing is, without Alpha and the boys, with a little more damage to myself, I could have been a psychotic little bitch, the one who takes a baseball bat to someone's car in heartbeat, the one who points out that there's still one knee left and wouldn't it be nice to keep it. The one who gets used and abused until there's nothing left besides the anger that makes it possible to be that person.
Why? Because, well, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure that they will get their legs broken as a result.

I like to think that what goes around comes around. My sister gave me food last month when we desperately needed it. Next week, I'll give the attendant who works under me a bag of groceries from my cupboards because he hasn't been able to buy food in weeks. So in a small sense, I'm giving back what I have been given right? You know, take a good deed and keep it going kind of crap.
But what about the other deeds? The ones that happen in a world where no matter how hard you work or how much you try, you can't keep your head above the water and you watch all the people who sunk your little boat swim to shore?

Before my dad died he told me that I inspired him. To go out in the world because I would inspire people by being who I am. That he appreciated how I was the kind of person who just did what needed to be done. No anger. No fear. No emotion. But it's hard to get there you know. Perhaps easier in the midst of crisis, but overall? It's not an easy thing to leave those base emotions behind.

Because, after all, people are much less likely to screw you over if they are 99% sure they will get their legs broken as a result.

I guess I can give up on getting that submissive award this month lol.

Cravings

It's been a long couple of weeks. First there was the whole week of medical tests and Dr's for Alpha. Then the kids got sick and not just mildly sick. I'm talking the raging cold from hell prompting us to take the big boy in for antibiotics and codeine cough syrup.
Now, the kids are still sick and the nasty little bug has broadened it's attack to include Alpha and I. So I'm contemplating a few days of abject misery on the couch (well, no wollering in self pity for me today--I have to go to work. But tomorrow...), followed by the start of my new schedule with another job. No, I didn't find a replacement for the one I have, I found a temporary one to supplement it which means I'll be working 12 hour days. At the moment, a 12 hour day sounds like competing in a triathlon (I don't run, or swim, or whatever the hell else they do in those. Whatever it is, I'm 99 percent sure I do Not do it lol).

Anyways, I was going to make a point lol, I just got a bit distracted with my morning dose of self-pity. D/s, while always there under the surface, has been greatly muted over the last couple of weeks. And I realized something horrific last night--I don't crave sex (not exactly a news flash), but I do crave Domination. Or is it submission, or both? Because after all, the two go hand in hand lol (see, I don't even make sense to myself when I'm sick). The thing is, when I'm tired, and the kids are sick, and I don't get home until after nine PM, I don't Want to be Dominated. Not in the least little bit. But during the day when I'm out and about, at night as I drift off to sleep, in the morning after my mad dash for coffee, I crave Alpha's Domination. Not sex, not pain, not bindings or play, just the peaceful feeling that comes with simple little moments of Domination and submission.

Now how in the hell did that happen?