If ttwd has taught me anything, it's that repression rarely has a good outcome. Not in the sense of being controlled by another--that's not repression when you have a healthy relationship, that's D/s lol.
Just repression of who you are and things you do. Circumstances have largely dictated our actions lately, and it's been rather a downer for us both. Alpha spends most of His time with the kids, I spend most of my time at work, we meet somewhere in the middle, and we never seem to go anywhere or do anything. Babysitting is an issue since I can't justify having a night or day to do whatever we want by leaving the kids with my sil--due to the volatile and unhealthy state of her current relationship.
I can't honestly remember the last time I dressed up (or under as the case may be, ahem) and went somewhere with just Alpha. I have a pretty nice figure, and honestly, I miss occasionally showcasing it lol. For work I cover up as much skin as possible and I come home tired, irritable, completely non-sexual, and covered with filth from someone else's house.
I miss...feeling sexy. And I think that impacts my sex drive, how I view submission, and my overall outlook about myself and life in general.
I want a pack of good razors that doesn't leave me covered in bumps. I want a day and night out with just Alpha. I want to, just for that time, be irresponsible and enjoy being myself. Alpha needs it too. I can see it in His overall outlook about life--He's usually upbeat and optimistic but these days He's trying to steal the cynical and slightly depressed corner which I have been able to successfully own for our entire relationship (hey, I did say that I liked being good at what I do lol).
Mmmm, this post is sounding a bit whiny, which was not the intent. And since I'm not a big fan of whining (bitching is at least somewhat respectable lol), I'll change my tangent a bit.
Back to repression.
Repression leads to unhealthy explosions. It's like a fire that has caught but been damped down--as soon as you open the damper, the whole thing goes up in flames. Whether it be sexual desires, things we want to do in life (short of the whole leg breaking bit, but repressing that Does tend to make one a bit angsty), things we wished we had said, roads not taken, etc.
Just because you lock something down, does not mean that it goes away. It's kind of like an infection (yes, this is going to be a super pleasant analogy lol), it doesn't just go away on it's own. It festers and eventually has to come to the surface or it poisons you from the inside out (I'm pretty sure I'm not whining anymore. Dark musings maybe?).
We are undoubtedly the responsible ones in our family. And you know what? I am so tired of being responsible that it's beyond ridiculous. Alpha is too. And it leads to little shit that fucks up big shit.
Speaking of repression, Alpha's birthday is coming up in the next few months, and I never did find a girl. I don't want Him repressing His desires any more than I wish to repress mine. So maybe this year, He'll find Himself one...And one way or another, I'll probably have enough blog fodder to last me for a month lol.
The long and short of it is: repression is unhealthy and something has got to give sometime.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Love is not always kind
I owe Eden Fantasys a review, but given my body's recent ridiculous aptitude for issues, that post will have to wait. So my readers will be subjected to more of my random ramblings.
I watched "The Secretary" last night, and while I was not terribly impressed with the movie itself, there was a line in it that got me to thinking (I know, it's a horribly dangerous pastime that I just haven't been able to give up). Ok, ahem, I'll have to paraphrase because, while the sentence did strike me, it was late at night and I had other things on my mind like the recent demise of the pricey and newly replaced parts on my car.
Anyways, this particular line was something to the effect of "who says that love has to be kind and gentle?"
It's a good question. Because one of the incredible things about love, is that it it takes many forms and can encompass so many other emotions. Sure, love can, and at times should be, kind and gentle. But overall, as an experience? No. Love does not always have to be soft. In fact, to confine it into such a simplistic and single-minded state, removes many of the possibilities love offers.
Love can be tender and gentle. It can also be savage and primal, without restrictions and thought. It offers a wider spectrum of experience than any other emotion--fulfillment, need, tenderness, pain, joy, sadness, companionship, loneliness, the list goes on.
In my experience, love can be a savage state of being. A place where reason often loses much of it's meaning and we are left with only the bare bones of human need and desire. Does love have to be either harsh or gentle all of the time? No, because it inherently contains both ends of the spectrum.For me, I find a mixture of both to be a fulfilling and wonderful state of being.
I do like my love a bit brutal. Not necessarily on the physical level (though hey, I'm not often complaining there), but in the sense of it being raw and unfiltered. It's not always pretty, but it has it's own kind of truth which is, in and of itself, a spectacular experience. There is purity to the pain that comes with love, both physical and mental/emotional. It takes some type of effort for love to be soft and kind (effort that is necessary and important at times), but love in it's raw and primal form is requires no filtering or effort--it just...is.
It's true you know--while there is a time and place for everything, love does not always have to be kind and gentle.
I watched "The Secretary" last night, and while I was not terribly impressed with the movie itself, there was a line in it that got me to thinking (I know, it's a horribly dangerous pastime that I just haven't been able to give up). Ok, ahem, I'll have to paraphrase because, while the sentence did strike me, it was late at night and I had other things on my mind like the recent demise of the pricey and newly replaced parts on my car.
Anyways, this particular line was something to the effect of "who says that love has to be kind and gentle?"
It's a good question. Because one of the incredible things about love, is that it it takes many forms and can encompass so many other emotions. Sure, love can, and at times should be, kind and gentle. But overall, as an experience? No. Love does not always have to be soft. In fact, to confine it into such a simplistic and single-minded state, removes many of the possibilities love offers.
Love can be tender and gentle. It can also be savage and primal, without restrictions and thought. It offers a wider spectrum of experience than any other emotion--fulfillment, need, tenderness, pain, joy, sadness, companionship, loneliness, the list goes on.
In my experience, love can be a savage state of being. A place where reason often loses much of it's meaning and we are left with only the bare bones of human need and desire. Does love have to be either harsh or gentle all of the time? No, because it inherently contains both ends of the spectrum.For me, I find a mixture of both to be a fulfilling and wonderful state of being.
I do like my love a bit brutal. Not necessarily on the physical level (though hey, I'm not often complaining there), but in the sense of it being raw and unfiltered. It's not always pretty, but it has it's own kind of truth which is, in and of itself, a spectacular experience. There is purity to the pain that comes with love, both physical and mental/emotional. It takes some type of effort for love to be soft and kind (effort that is necessary and important at times), but love in it's raw and primal form is requires no filtering or effort--it just...is.
It's true you know--while there is a time and place for everything, love does not always have to be kind and gentle.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Here and now
I have a hard time just living in the moment. You know, not dwelling on yesterday or planning for tomorrow...just being in Now. One of the things I love about BDSM and Dominance and submission in general, is that it helps me get into that place where there is no past, no future, just the moment.
I got the call at work about halfway through my day. It was my sil crying and blathering on unintelligibly. Having only five minutes on my phone, with my first thought being "she's in the hospital or something has happened to the baby," I was rather insistent on being told what was wrong without a great amount of preamble. Turns out, it had nothing to do with her or the little one...
We haven't had any kind of death for over a week (a whole week, I know). One of Alpha's childhood friends had died. I went back to work--I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm practical and becoming a bit too familiar with death. Life among the living can be a bitch but kids still need to eat.
I did go home a bit early. And Alpha was down and a bit lonely because well, we have lost a lot of people over the last year. It's no small part of what gives life value though--The inevitability of death.
Here it is common to celebrate the day of the dead with colorful altars, pictures of loved ones who have passed on, and places set with food for them. On my way home, I was thinking--their food will have to go on a separate table this year, they are going to crowd out the living.
There's a lesson here (always is. Usually one that will build character in some way, so it's sure to be unpleasant lol). The lesson for those of us who remain? Live in the moment. Spend to much time dwelling on the sorrows of yesterday and the plans for tomorrow, and one day we will realize that we spent our whole lives without really living.
We learn from the past. It is good to plan for the future. But life? Life is here and now. In this moment. And that is all we are promised.
And that is one of the things I love about D/s--In those random moments when Alpha stops me short, grabs me by the hair, and forces me to my knees, there is only Him and me. There is only that moment. Nothing else. Because regardless of how many places are set for the dead, we are here now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, right now.
I got the call at work about halfway through my day. It was my sil crying and blathering on unintelligibly. Having only five minutes on my phone, with my first thought being "she's in the hospital or something has happened to the baby," I was rather insistent on being told what was wrong without a great amount of preamble. Turns out, it had nothing to do with her or the little one...
We haven't had any kind of death for over a week (a whole week, I know). One of Alpha's childhood friends had died. I went back to work--I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm practical and becoming a bit too familiar with death. Life among the living can be a bitch but kids still need to eat.
I did go home a bit early. And Alpha was down and a bit lonely because well, we have lost a lot of people over the last year. It's no small part of what gives life value though--The inevitability of death.
Here it is common to celebrate the day of the dead with colorful altars, pictures of loved ones who have passed on, and places set with food for them. On my way home, I was thinking--their food will have to go on a separate table this year, they are going to crowd out the living.
There's a lesson here (always is. Usually one that will build character in some way, so it's sure to be unpleasant lol). The lesson for those of us who remain? Live in the moment. Spend to much time dwelling on the sorrows of yesterday and the plans for tomorrow, and one day we will realize that we spent our whole lives without really living.
We learn from the past. It is good to plan for the future. But life? Life is here and now. In this moment. And that is all we are promised.
And that is one of the things I love about D/s--In those random moments when Alpha stops me short, grabs me by the hair, and forces me to my knees, there is only Him and me. There is only that moment. Nothing else. Because regardless of how many places are set for the dead, we are here now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, right now.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
There's a vast difference between domineering asshole and Dominant man
I have touched on this subject before, but this post is for me myself and I--to try and figure out a way to express this idea to the deaf ears of someone who doesn't want to see the light as I know it. A way I can express the thought's in a D/s context related to the way I live and later strip most of that away for another's ears.
So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes, I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.
sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.
The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:
Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.
Dominant:
A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.
The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.
So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes, I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.
sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.
The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:
Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.
Dominant:
A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.
The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Hand Jobs
Considering the fact that everything from my throat to my twat seems to be breaking down, I should have been happy about the requested hand job--it's not hard on the back, there is no requirement for anything to fit in the mouth, and downstairs (there's no time like the present to develop a false sense of modesty) is left nicely alone to fight it's own little infection undisturbed.
The thing is, I'm ummm, absolutely no good whatsoever at them. I think I have made Him cum maybe twice with my hand over the course of, well, ahem, eek--12 years. You would think this would irritate Him far more than it does me. But I'm not sure that's the case. Being able to take the morning hard-on and completely kill it while attempting to do the opposite--it's a real blow to one's ego. I mean, men all over the world do it to themselves every day. It has to be the easiest way there is of getting off right?? It says something very bad when He would rather take care of Himself lol.
He should probably be the one complaining, but He's got no inadequacy complex so I'll fill in the blanks. I have a mild obsession with being good at anything I do (okay, so "mild" is an understatement, leave me my illusions). And I am most definitely not any good at giving hand jobs. In fact, it seems to be the easiest way in the world to get rid of that morning hard-on. "Sure, I'll help you out, I can fix that for you--no need to cum."
Damn the obsessiveness of being a straight A student, cooking the best food, being the best at my job, giving the best blow job, and just generally needing to be the best or not be at all. Because obviously, I am not the best at everything (I know, a real shocker right). And I absolutely hate having to accept it lol.
The thing is, I'm ummm, absolutely no good whatsoever at them. I think I have made Him cum maybe twice with my hand over the course of, well, ahem, eek--12 years. You would think this would irritate Him far more than it does me. But I'm not sure that's the case. Being able to take the morning hard-on and completely kill it while attempting to do the opposite--it's a real blow to one's ego. I mean, men all over the world do it to themselves every day. It has to be the easiest way there is of getting off right?? It says something very bad when He would rather take care of Himself lol.
He should probably be the one complaining, but He's got no inadequacy complex so I'll fill in the blanks. I have a mild obsession with being good at anything I do (okay, so "mild" is an understatement, leave me my illusions). And I am most definitely not any good at giving hand jobs. In fact, it seems to be the easiest way in the world to get rid of that morning hard-on. "Sure, I'll help you out, I can fix that for you--no need to cum."
Damn the obsessiveness of being a straight A student, cooking the best food, being the best at my job, giving the best blow job, and just generally needing to be the best or not be at all. Because obviously, I am not the best at everything (I know, a real shocker right). And I absolutely hate having to accept it lol.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Divide and conquer
I have been neglecting my poor little blog. Mostly because life has been crazy and as soon as I'm not sick anymore--I get sick again. I understand it used to be a regular practice to remove tonsils. For the record, I want to know why no one is volunteering to chop mine out (Alpha waving around the kitchen knife does Not count).
We have kind of been doing the "divide and conquer" so to speak, so we haven't spent much time together besides nursing sick kids, burying old family dogs, plotting a garden over the phone, and me generally limping around like I'm 80 (seriously, I think someone gave me the wrong back, designed for a Much older model).
I got a job offer yesterday, but I'm not sure I want to explore it. It is with one of the programs I would like to work for because it comes with much higher wages than the one I'm working for at the moment. Problem is, I'm not really looking to work my way Up the creep ladder and I wouldn't be surprised if the man didn't actually have a mother who needed care. You know, one of those people "I only killed two people last year, but I'm doing much better now, really!" At least that's how he struck me, so I'm not terribly inclined to go for it lol.
Like I said, it's been a process of divide and conquer around here. Which has worked quite well for taking care of the necessary family matters, but it's rough on the D/s front--it's much more enjoyable to unite and conquer. Though, at this point, I have the feeling that I will be the conquered when that comes around lol. We have spent a fair amount of time apart this month and I crave Alpha's company, His presence, those random possessive touches, the little moments of...us. Though, I am highly suspicious that, should He grab me by the back of the head and pull like He normally does, my back would pop and that would be that for my walking days (I got a faulty back and hip set. Where do I address my general complaint and request for proper replacement parts??) I'm only 28 for fucks sake lol.
On the bright side, we did get an interesting offer for a review, so I guess I will have to write something semi-interesting soon lol.
We have kind of been doing the "divide and conquer" so to speak, so we haven't spent much time together besides nursing sick kids, burying old family dogs, plotting a garden over the phone, and me generally limping around like I'm 80 (seriously, I think someone gave me the wrong back, designed for a Much older model).
I got a job offer yesterday, but I'm not sure I want to explore it. It is with one of the programs I would like to work for because it comes with much higher wages than the one I'm working for at the moment. Problem is, I'm not really looking to work my way Up the creep ladder and I wouldn't be surprised if the man didn't actually have a mother who needed care. You know, one of those people "I only killed two people last year, but I'm doing much better now, really!" At least that's how he struck me, so I'm not terribly inclined to go for it lol.
Like I said, it's been a process of divide and conquer around here. Which has worked quite well for taking care of the necessary family matters, but it's rough on the D/s front--it's much more enjoyable to unite and conquer. Though, at this point, I have the feeling that I will be the conquered when that comes around lol. We have spent a fair amount of time apart this month and I crave Alpha's company, His presence, those random possessive touches, the little moments of...us. Though, I am highly suspicious that, should He grab me by the back of the head and pull like He normally does, my back would pop and that would be that for my walking days (I got a faulty back and hip set. Where do I address my general complaint and request for proper replacement parts??) I'm only 28 for fucks sake lol.
On the bright side, we did get an interesting offer for a review, so I guess I will have to write something semi-interesting soon lol.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Meh...
So I have been feeling exceptionally not submissive lately. Alpha calls it "upwardly mobile," well, that's the nice term lol. I really do wish I had a better grasp on my own mental state. Meh.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.
I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I'm...off. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.
I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I'm...off. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.
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