Stillness of Being

Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.

Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.

Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.

Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.

Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.

Vanilla chocolate swirl

Alright, I decided not to let my poor little blog drown completely in vanilla ramblings so maybe this will be a vanilla chocolate swirl post lol.

I've been sick a lot lately and it has impacted a great deal about how Alpha and I interact. The physical aspects are the first to noticeably diminish, then being sick goes to my head (yea yea, haha), and other areas become compromised. I haven't ever been sick for this long, so it's been new to us both and Alpha's been really sweet about it (You know, only minor accusations of being depraved deprived). But He's getting touchy and I'm getting...Oh hell, I just plain don't want to submit (yes, I have admitted to the cardinal sin of submission, well I'm sure there's more than one lol, but anyways...I said "I don't want to").
At the same time? I'm angsty and figity, and just generally cranky. And I know it's because what I want and what I need aren't always the same thing. I need D/s. Without it we aren't as good, I'm not as stable, I'm not as happy, and I just feel...off.

Now, I realize this is getting a little bit "meme" (which I'm okay with lol, because it's my blog, but I'm trying to view this in a wider context), but in the big picture of how we live and what life's like, it's not great for us when our D/s becomes so buried. It doesn't just disappear--it has become a part of who we are and how we live our lives. But sometimes it gets muted. And I feel like a puzzle missing edge pieces. It's harder to put the puzzle together, and without the edge pieces, the picture falls apart easily...Lacking a frame to keep it all together. D/s may be only part of the puzzle, but it has become our frame--those few precious pieces that hold the picture together with us as the corner-stones.

What I want is not always what I may need. And Alpha has made it quite clear in the past that He's willing to take my wants into consideration (when He wants to haha), but He's not obliged too. He feels that needs are His responsibility, not wants. And normally? I'm really okay with that. I even rather appreciate it as a given part of our dynamic...except for when I just don't want to lol.

Though...Ooh lala, we'll be getting some cruel cool little nipple clamps to review here soon, so I had better get my ass back on board here soon huh.

Work and Politics in the vanilla world

So I had my job interview today. The caretakers are interviewing approximately 50 people (no competition there huh lol), and will narrow it down to five for the home owners to interview and choose from. Four houses, 18 bathrooms, and upwards of thirty beds is nothing to scoff at lol, and the caretakers weren't clear on whether or not I would be expected there seven days a week the whole time the owners are in town (yea, three weeks in one go is not my idea of a job I can manage. I'm still human dammit lol) but it sounds like a good position so I will just wait and see.
Ironically, when you google my name, you get my son's birth announcement, and a number of environmental articles I wrote regarding the importance of industry regulation. Google the homeowners, and you see that the family business happens to be in the very same industry. So even though the caretakers liked me and will recommend me for a final interview, the homeowners may not like my views as displayed by google lol. I figure that I'll go by the philosophy that if I don't get it, it wouldn't have worked out anyway, and if I do? Good by counting overused pharmaceuticals and constantly catering to unnecessary and unreasonable demands eight hours a day (that would be restricted to five or six times a year, minus the meds. Imagine...).

And that my dear readers, is the extent of life's recent excitement around here--exciting for me, boring to read lol.

Random...

I'm home for the first time all week. Now I have to get ready to go again lol. In theory, being a soccer mom sounds pretty easy, in practice...lol.
I'm a bit excited...because I found a job I want...It's closer to home, there's no pharmaceutical drugs involved, and it sounds like just what I have been looking for. I'm trying not to get to excited because I haven't even got to interview yet and competition for jobs is pretty steep around here...but it's well worth a try.

On a completely different front, I have developed the oddest craving lol. I've been having so many ridiculous problems with my tonsils and various lymph nodes in my neck, that it's been over a month since Alpha's grabbed me by the throat. Which is actually really considerate...The thing is...I miss it terribly. Kind of liking pregnancy cravings, just, um, "choke me please" cravings lol.

Anyways, I feel like a roaming nomad this week lol, so keeping in the current spirit of things, I've got to get my shit together to go...again.

Feeding masochism

I used to believe that I was a masochist. Now, I think that He has beaten it out of me lol.

I have noticed something interesting though, I can, to a certain extent, get off on pain. But, getting off on pain itself is not quite the same as getting off on Alpha enjoying my pain. At first, I think it was difficult for Him to reconcile causing me pain and liking it, with the love He has for me and His desire to see me free from suffering (though, interestingly enough, these days He only has a problem with my suffering if it is caused by someone or something else. That's sweet...I think...). And then? I liked it and I wanted more. Until He discovered He liked giving it and there was never any need to wish for more. Ahem.

I have observed several things about physical pain--add words to it and it becomes much more bearable, more like a high than anything else, and He only gets off on my enjoyment of it, which in turns increases the pleasure I get from pain. Of course, while He doesn't get off on punishing me, He does take an incredibly perverse enjoyment from putting me back in my place. Sadistic bastard.
Anyways, the concept I have floating around in my head is really about His sadism feeding my masochism and vice versa.

I can be right on the edge, where it's really to much, I'm not able to get off on it anymore and I just want an end. Then, something will indicate to me that He's getting off on my suffering (fucked up sounding shit maybe lol, but anyhow...), and it makes me fly. Something about His enjoyment of it changes everything. It makes pain malleable and fluid, something that is as much pleasure as suffering. It leads to a vulnerability and surrender that goes beyond physical sensation to a mental level that is somewhat difficult to describe.

While control figures much more into our dynamic than sadomasochism does, it's still a fairly integral part of our play. To the extent that it's always there in some aspect or another.

When I think I'm done, He feeds my masochism with His enjoyment of my pain. My masochism feeds His sadistic tendencies and it becomes one of those rare full circle events.
Which is nice because it's not the same experience if He's not truly enjoying it, and apparently, the pleasure/pain continuum leads to some very attractive reactions and sounds on my part lol.

The last freakin straw...again....and...again...and again

 I'll be staying with my mom for the rest of the week because my car took a shit again. I have a post set to auto post tomorrow. Maybe it will work lol. There's a dark cloud for every silver lining. And since I'm concentrating on the cloud right now, I think it would be a good time for a little peek at the silver lining--I'll get to do another review. It might be of a benign nice little thing since I had to pick a couple of options. But what did I swear up and down was my all out favorite option? A cute little item that is far from benign and has me thinking that I'm a bit of an idiot because, after all, I am a masochistic wuss. Lol.
Now for that dark cloud...

I tend to be rather proud of the fact that I don't give up. Sure, I bitch and worry, I do my share of complaining, and yes, sometimes I whine; though I find it an unattractive trait so I try to avoid it lol. But I don't give up. I buckle down and do what needs to be done.

I really want rather badly to give up. Say that I just "can't" anymore and fade on out. Because sometimes it's all too much. My little pile of straw has become a mountain and the last straw keeps falling...over...and....over again.

Last night we had sex for what seems like the first time in ages. I promptly dissolved into a teary eyed puddle of mush afterward. When Alpha asked me what was wrong, I told Him I just couldn't do it anymore. He asked what I couldn't do anymore and what exactly I thought the alternative was to hanging in there and informed me that giving up just wasn't an option. My answer was life. It's just a bit too fucking much ya' know? And the alternative, well, fuck me--I guess there isn't one. I ain't jumping off a bridge or some shit lol. That's for the weak and pathetic. And while I may occasionally feel that way, I refuse to be it. Because that's not who I am.
While we were talking, He raised an eyebrow at me and said that it's a bit of a blow to the ego--to fuck someone and have the result be tears. I think He was trying for a touch of levity. Because He knows me, and He knows that a bit of humor and a verbal challenge regarding my abilities is generally enough to make me scrape my shit back together and truck on. But this time? I just wanted to give up. Even if for only an hour.

Part of me knows it's not fair. Because the sky keeps falling on His head too. And He's stood by my side and watched the last straw drop over and over again. The other part of me? Wants to simply say, I can't do this anymore and give up. And I wonder, when exactly did giving up become something that wasn't an option?

Because it sure sounds damn good some days lol.

Sympathy is not needed. Cynical, humorous, and somewhat smarmy comments are welcome.

Lol.

Eden Fantasys review: G-spot tickler

So we got a review offer from Eden Fantasys a while back. I was delighted and then the shit promptly hit the fan. So I have had the product for a while even though I intended to do the review right away. Anyways, here it is.

Alpha seems to think that the easy way is overrated so instead of picking some implement that causes physical pain, He chose a nice painless little product that was going to be much harder for me to write about than an implement of destruction would have been lol. For anyone who is not already familiar with them, Eden Fantasys sells a nice variety of adult toys from the kinky to good ol' vibrators.

As you have no doubt guessed, the product chosen was the G-spot tickler.

G-spot tickler - G-spot vibrator

        

It was a bit of a risky choice because my body likes to react in a somewhat nasty way to synthetic products ranging from lube to condoms; however, I didn't have a problem with this one. It's a jelly toy, so it's soft and a lot smaller than it looks (hmmm, perhaps I shouldn't complain that He picked a pain-free product?). My all out favorite thing about it is the way it rubs on your clit. Since I can't cum without clitoral stimulation, I thought it was a rather brilliant design. 
Alpha liked that it can be controlled by remote, so He could adjust the speed (being able to adjust the speed is great) without actually having to change His position or reach around to grab the vibrator itself. He said that the cord was a bit cumbersome, but personally, I didn't notice it at all lol.
I felt that it was perhaps a bit small (a whopping 3" actually goes inside you), but that gives it a really nice perk: it's absolutely freaking awesome to use during anal sex. You get the vibration, clitoral stimulation that makes you hand seem like a cave-man method, and it's not so big that it makes you feel like you're being split in two by having both holes filled at once.

Another thing that I really liked about this product is that it's easy to clean--you can pull the vibrating egg right out of the rubber and completely submerge the jelly part in soapy water. Since it's not silicone, it can't be boiled, but that also means that if you are allergic or otherwise reactive to silicone products, it's not going to burn like a bitch and create other unpleasant sensations. And I'm not sharing my toys anyways lol, so soapy water is just fine.

My one concern before receiving the vibrator in the mail, was that no one wants to pick up a package with "sex toys" plastered all over it (especially in a tiny town where your post mistress knows every box-holder by name lol). The packaging was wonderfully innocuous. It might as well have been a scarf from someone's grandma as far as you could tell from looking at it.

Over all, this vibrator is a nice little addition to the toy box And like I said, I thought it was pretty phenomenal as an addition to anal sex so I'm quite happy with it.