A weekend of first's--yea yea, still rambling vanilla

October of last year would have been my parents 30th anniversary. My mom was really depressed and we knew she had one thing on her bucket list that she had wanted to do for years--she wanted to see a U2 concert. So we bought her tickets (one for her, one for me, because you can't send grandma to a concert with 80,0000 people alone). The concert was yesterday and it was full of firsts for us both.

There are many people in this world who are comfortable in the city and used to large crowds. My mother and I are not among them lol. Give me a one lane mountain road with two feet of snow and the local boys killing elk out back and brawling in someone's yard--I'm comfortable with that lol.
Denver and a concert with 80,000 people in attendance and no Alpha? Ummm, completely out of my comfort zone lol. I have never been to a really big event without Alpha, and never to something that big at all. I'm used to having Him behind me fending off the drunks, not being next to my tiny mom and holding back the crowd around her. On the bright side, the concert was phenomenal, I didn't have to beat up the drunk girl, and my moms is still on cloud nine.

We got out and went in search of a taxi. my mom was having problems with her legs so I left her in a very specific spot to go find out where the taxi's would line up. When I returned she had moved and I couldn't find her. It was like being a little kid lost in the grocery store in reverse. All I could think was "shit, I lost grandma, why isn't she tall, and Alpha is going to yell at me!" I knew I would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about her.
I finally found her (30 feet away from where I left her, swallowed up by the masses lol). Then after an hour we were told no cabs were coming because of an accident that blocked the road in and directed to a rail station where the event staff said we would find a taxi.
Lol. As we were passing under the bridge and through the dark alleys of Denver at midnight I was deeply regretting my decision to leave my purse and its variety of weaponry at the hotel. After all, I could have put it All in her purse and they would have let her into the concert anyways lol. Honestly, I think she was high on music, because I don't know how else she made it the mile of walking it took to find a real street corner and get a taxi.

It was the first time my mom and I had ever done anything like that together and all in all it was a great experience--I didn't lose grandma (momentarily misplacing does NOT count), we had a blast, and made it back home fine. And hey, it's good to know that I can take care of myself and someone else somewhere completely outside of everything I know and live right.

I was acutely reminded of all that I get out of my relationship with Alpha. Sometimes I'm irritable about my place--the fact that He gets His way and I don't drives me up the wall when I'm feeling pissy and I have been pretty pissy lately (no watersports jokes!) lol.
But there is nothing compared to the sense of security I have when Alpha is with me.

I take pride in my ability to take care of myself in any situation I may be in.
Some people's parents just want there kids to be happy, some want them to become doctors or lawyers. My dad? All he wanted was for me to be able to take care of myself. And that ability is a huge part of who I am.
But nothing can replace or compare to the safety and security I feel in Alpha's presence. So, not getting my way aside lol, I love what belonging to Him does for me.

It was one hell of an experience and I glad I did it. And it's good to be back home where I belong with my head on His shoulder.

A successful Morning

 This will most likely be completely boring for the rest of the world...But it was great for me lol.

After experiencing the luxury of sleeping all night in my very own big girl bed, I continued the theme. It wasn't exactly in line with my grand design of accomplishing a shitload of stuff for the day, but hey, I was on a roll.

While I made the odd mixture for my hair the kids fluttered around offering opinions--"are you making dinner? You're not really going to put that on your hair are you mom?? Hey, you said we were almost out of eggs (in their defense, it did look suspiciously like something you throw in a skillet. And if there's one thing they know about mom, it's that she does Not waste food.), eww your hair is Ickyyyyy."
When I decided to go all out and began macerating up herbs for my face, they began thinking mom had really gone off the deep end. I was asked again if I was making dinner, then I was informed that my face was "very very icky mom."
When I proceeded to lie down on the couch with my feet up? They knew something was really wrong with me.
In fact, the little one assured me that I was going to be okay...while attempting to stab me repeatedly with a pencil.

Then I washed out the mess and started to cut my hair. And my beloved offspring scattered like flies.

All around, I would say that I had a very successful, if somewhat unproductive, morning.

Miracles!

Several small miracles happened in the last twelve hours (Yea yea, so what if my miracles are your everyday occurrences, makes them no less miraculous. Hmph).

Miracle #1.
I slept in my bed ALL night and didn't have to get up for the little guy once. Umm, did you hear that?
I SLEPT 8 HOURS STRAIGHT!

Miracle #2.
I woke up next to my Husband. Yea, it's been since the last time my mom watched our kids (Valentines Day), that one of us was Not on the couch when we woke up.

Miracle #3.
My eldest son got up with the little guy this morning and kept him happy until I got up.
Yea, he gets extra cake for that one. Suddenly homeschooling is a lot more rewarding than it was yesterday when I was arguing with him over that Science paper.

Miracle #4.
Alpha woke me up and fucked me in the middle of the night and I loved it. To understand the momentousness of this event, you must know that I absolutely Hate being woken up for sex. I'm not turned on, I'm sleep deprived, I get resentful and huffy say things I don't mean in the light of day. I spend the whole time waiting for it to be over even though it's a fairly rare event.
I have no idea what He did to me before I woke up, but to say I was ready and willing would be an understatement. Instead of begging for it to be over, I was begging to cum. And then I slept like a friggin rock. All night. In my own bed!!

So, while my small miracles may be everyday events for some of you, I'm taking what I can get and running with it because I am in a better mood this morning than I have been in ages.

Would it be pushing it to send a special request to the Universe for these small miracles to become everyday occurrences?

One of Those Mothers

I forgot I wrote a post late last night and set it to auto post, so I have two in one day because I'm feeling mouthy lol.
My son plays soccer. He has ever since he was old enough to be on a team and he loves it. His first coach was good--easygoing but ran them through drills and always showed up (I have since learned not to take that for granted, though it does seem pretty basic). His second coach was phenomenal (poor kids never been on the same team twice), he taught the kids so much about working as a team, how the game is played, sportsmanship, and really helped them improve their game. This last coach? Well he sucks ass and his wife is a bitch (judgment is a human trait remember, and I gots it bad lol). The man hardly ever shows up to practice or games, gives no notice that he isn't going to be there, and has done nothing to help improve the kids skills (in fact, another parent who actually knows how to play got mad at him because, well, he doesn't know how to).
His wife got mad because we did the team pictures on a day he didn't bother to show up. Actually, she got mad at a lady who was about 8 months pregnant. I thought we were going to have to scrape her off the field and hope her insurance covered attacks by rabidly pissed off pregnant women (not that I would have objected or anything...'cuz maybe I'm not so kind at heart).
After the last practice without a coach I got mad. Yea, big surprise, lil lost her temper. sigh. Anyways, I sent a pissed off polite email off to the president of the league detailing my issues with the coach and demanding  requesting a written guarantee that my son never be coached by him again. I still haven't gotten a response lol.

But really, some of these kids absolutely love the game and have great potential. Potential that is being squandered. I don't pay for it because I love hauling my ass out of bed at 6:00 every Saturday, or so my kid can go and not learn a damn thing while being continually disappointed--I pay for it because he's dedicated, he loves it, and he's got potential to be quite good.

I'm thinking a letter to the editor of the local news might be pushing it a bit?

Submission and Weakness

My blog had an identity crisis. Maybe I'm having one too. The font I really liked? It was unreadable. I had to squint and turn my head just right, and guess what the letters were. So I couldn't keep it lol. I went to town on Alpha's blog too lol (hey, He looked over my shoulder and said "yes" or "no")
Anyhow...

I was thinking about weakness and submission.
A couple of my favorite blogs seem to have been found by people who feel themselves in need of attention and for whatever reason, thought the best way to get it would be by putting excessive effort into telling the blog owners just how weak and worthless they are. Now another blog I read has a post up about her husband thinking her weak for submitting.
So of course, that dangerous obsession I have with thinking reared it's snotty little head, and I discovered that I have quite a bit to say about submission and weakness.

I used to be afraid that submitting to Alpha would be an expression of weakness. That it showed my character to be lacking in strength and He would love me less for it.
I have since come to believe that anyone who thinks submission comes from weakness, has never tried it. Do you know how hard it can be to do as you are told?! To put complete trust in someone else's judgement and just go with the friggin flow, to let things you find unpleasant be done to you because you have chosen to be submissive?? And there it is, simplistic in it's complexity--submission is a choice. And you have to be strong enough to make that choice for yourself.

Being submissive doesn't mean that I'm locked in the basement without human contact, that I have no mind of my own, or that I get to stroll around like a thoughtless robot while Alpha makes all the decisions and choices in our lives. I make decisions on a daily basis. I work (hating it doesn't count lol, I still get my ass out there and do it), when Alpha is down I try to lift Him up, when the shit hits the fan I do what needs to be done and cry about it later, when someone else drops the ball I pick it up and resist the urge to throw it at their head.

Being submissive takes courage. And submission can itself bring us courage.

After I discovered that being submissive didn't mean I was weak, I struggled to come to terms with the thought that Alpha would believe that it made me weak and respect me less for it.
At the same time, I think He was having some difficulties Himself--reconciling the fact that His queen was now His whore and would forevermore be both. There is great reward in having a queen on her knees at your feet. In that we become an enigma--but it is possible to live happily as such.

Dominance and submission are a circular arrangement wherein one cannot exist without the other. Without Dominance there is no submission. Without submission there is no Dominance.

A submissive does not walk down the street bending to the will of all who cross their path. There are plenty of vanilla people in the world who do not submit to a Dominant--yet they allow the world to walk all over them. And they are not happier or better off for it.
From my own life and what I have observed about other submissives, I have come to believe that, for the most part, subs are Dominant outside of their relationships--they manage businesses, employees, large families, etc. They take charge. And submission is a retreat from that. It offers us a part of life where we don't have to be in charge, where we cannot exert control, a reality where we are whatever our Dominant chooses.

Submitting is a haven from the world for those who quite often live a life otherwise in command (and if they don't, so what?). It becomes part of who we are. It's an expression of devotion that's not always enjoyable and is by no means easy. It is a place where we can show who and what we truly are and still be loved. That's not to say that it doesn't change you, or you aren't ever made to change (changing for someone you love is not abnormal. People in vanilla relationships do it all the time. It just doesn't seem to work quite the same).
And sure, some of us are damaged, but there are plenty of damaged people. They just tend to have a problem admitting it lol.

We are the people the weak come to for help. 

We are the women who the strong come knocking for to back them up. 

We are the children who sit by the sides of our dying parents and console those who come to mourn.

We are the mothers who bare our teeth in defense of our children.

We are the raging sisters who stand off someone else's abusive husband in the night.

We are the wives who so many run to in the dark.

We are the ones who, above all others, have our Dominants back.

We are survivors.

We are submissives

and submission is not born of weakness.

Everyone and every relationship is different. Your way isn't my way and that's okay. I think it's a human trait to judge others, but it's not a very admirable one. No one is strong in all circumstances at all times. But we are who we are and that's just another part of being human.

Quit trying

We were curled up in bed last night. I was craving that particular mixture of Dominance and tenderness. And I couldn't say it, I couldn't tell Him that was what I needed to get back into my place--a helping touch, a little talk, just a few simple moments in the dark.

Alpha asked me what was wrong in that tender sweet tone of voice that makes me melt and feel really bad if I can't come up with words. I told Him that I just couldn't seem to find the path back to my place no matter how hard I tried.

His response was "quit trying then." So I did. And you know what? I found my way back.

A soft touch, a Dominating demand, a little small talk in the dark. Funny what can happen when you quit striving and just Be.

Topping from the bottom and other random shit

Alpha has been put out with me because I've been outrageously rather un-submissive lately. My head is just...not there (everywhere else in the damn world mind you, but not "there").
I objected to His chosen methods of putting me in my place and was told that I was attempting to top from the bottom. I could argue that I wasn't, but that won't get me any points lol.

It did get me to thinking though (a dangerous pastime, I know), anyways, I started wondering about the line between helping someone understand what you need and topping from the bottom.

Where exactly is that line? Perhaps it's somewhere in between stating what you need and just trying to get your way. Maybe it is completely dependent on circumstances and approach, on the individual relationship and dynamic. It could just all be in the phrasing and approach (I have, quite obviously, not thought this through very much lol. I may revisit the topic tomorrow).

Alpha hasn't been in the best space. I have been in a worse space.
Part of me resents that He doesn't know exactly what I need--because He usually does. Well, He knows what I need--to get my "stubborn disobedient little ass back in it's place," but achieving it? Not going so smoothly at the moment. Yea, I know that one could sensibly argue that He's not a mind reader, but He could be...(I have been told that it's really observation, but close enough, geez lol).
There's another part of me, a big part, which thinks that after five years of ttwd, I shouldn't be so dependent on Him to put me back in my place. After all, I do know where exactly that is...I just can't seem to haul my ass out of the trees and get back on the path.

I suppose some subs fall right in line and stay there. Me? I realize that I'm not easy to own. I'm a lot of damn work. I don't try to be, but maybe that's part of who I am. Worse, *shudder*, I could just be a slow learner.