Say it, Do it, Be it

In the beginning, ttwd was talk. It was an idea, a concept lacking solidity--an experiment waiting for action. The words seemed awkward, the place they led unknown.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.

As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.

Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.

When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.

And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.

One Hell Of A Look

There's this particular look Alpha gets sometimes, like He's going to eat me alive or something lol. It's passionate and intense, and it can be really hot.

But there's this other look...It's intent and detached, with occasional flashes of quizzical...
And it makes my stomach do funny things while my knees wobble and my heart skips a beat.
It makes unbearable pain manageable.
It makes whatever He decides to do in that moment okay.

There are many "looks," but this one? It's a bit new and it's kind of like stepping into a whole new ballgame. One where they may throw knives instead of balls lol.

It's one hell of a look.

Every year that goes by, things change, ttwd moves deeper into who we are.

And sometimes I think "oh shit," I am in soo far over my head that it's not even funny. But staying in the shallows? It wouldn't have worked for us anyways. That whole, "all or nothing" thing I guess.

That detached and calculating look? It's hot and it's kind of scary, and it melts my bones.
It's one hell of a look.

Here we go again

New additions:

1 three year old girl.
Piles of shit that doesn't fit in my house.
1 storage unit.
1 sil recently discharged from the hospital with a concussion and whiplash from her boyfriend beating the shit out of her.
A very strong sense of "do unto others as they do unto you" (or to someone you love as the case may be).
Multiple and constant headaches.
And several very bad attitudes.

Stolen, missing, or vanished items:
1 car.
1 felon with a death wish.
Privacy.
Sanity.

Wanted items:
A healthy dose of D/s (to be found somewhere between walking into the bedroom and passing out).
Another house or three more bedrooms (preferably "affordable").
Children that behave (willing to trade three curious little overachievers for imaginary and polite kids).
1 death certificate or assurance of equal value (bones also carry redeemable value).
1 car (that works)
Time alone to be seriously used (time frame unknown but closely tied to the following item).
Sanity

Accepting the slut

I end up with all kinds of ideas floating around in my head on my way home from work. By the time I get to them in the morning, they're not quite as clear lol. Plus, I haven't had coffee yet, therefor I make no claims as to the sensibility or clarity of this post lol.

So I think it's fair to say that women in general are sluts and queens. Well, bitches too lol, but that's a different post.
I'm pretty good at the queen. If she's overindulged the bitch tends to show more often though. The slut? Not so good with her because I spent a very long time trying to repress her and when I let her out, bad things happened. But that was before Alpha was in charge. Things are a bit different now. Being His submissive gives me the ability to have certain desires (and, shudder, actually admit them lol), and indulge the slut more, knowing that He's the one ultimately in control of what I do with that part of myself.

Coffee just isn't kicking in like it should...

Anyways, I know a lot of people like to go off on how repressing submission is. The funny thing is, I have found it to be incredibly freeing (remind me of that next time I'm bitching about blowjobs on demand lol). I don't have to repress my sexual thoughts and desires because Alpha knows them and decides if they will be indulged or not. Sanctioned slutness if you will (yes, "slutness isn't a word. But it sounds good, phbt).
He see's who I really am behind all of the walls and day-to-day bullshit--He loves and accepts me anyways.

Back on point. I would have sworn I had one...
Pretending to be all queen or all slut isn't healthy. It represses parts of who I am and being half a person just doesn't work so well. The thing is, when I let out the slut and leave my house, I would swear it's written in black ink on my forehead. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. Sexuality has a way of oozing out whether I like it or not.

So I spent a lot of time keeping the slut locked up. The queen? She can be kind of a bitch. But she's easier to show and accept than the whore is. And it's hard to turn on things you spent years turning off.

The thing is, I'm not happy just being one or the other. I have to be both and in order to do so I have to accept the slut. Which is kind of hard sometimes, because she got me into lots of trouble in the past.

But things are different now. And I'm trying to be more accepting of the slut. Because she's part of who I am. And I don't have a problem admitting it anymore lol.

Dreams and squirmy things

Minimum payments haven't been made on anything for months and collectors start calling first thing in the morning. The upside to this is that you're to busy wishing you could sleep and praying that there will be some payments made come next paycheck, so you don't really remember your dreams.

Umm, this morning I did remember some rather hazy dreams. The kind of stuff that made me choke on my coffee and turn bright red while checking to see if anybody in my immediate vicinity was currently mind reading. Luckily Alpha was still in bed, so no one was lol.

I tend not to have...dreams like that lol. To compound the coffee choking and hot tomato sensation that accompanied my hazy remembrance, I also got to enjoy that particular squirmy feeling that comes with admitting something to Alpha that I really don't want to lol. Because...In part of the dream I'm standing next to Alpha, He has His hand around the back of my neck, He's asking me something, and controlling the way I turn my head. I'm looking at two men. They happen to be the same man (hey, it's dreamland. They could have been purple too). One doesn't interest me at all, the other...Well, I'm telling Alpha that I would fuck the other one (enter extremely squirmy feeling during waking realizations lol).
I thought it was kind of interesting though, because the two men in my dream were the same person, but one was clearly darker, Dominant...different. The other had the same physical appearance (okay, minus black leather jacket lol), different everything though...softer and less intense.

And there, I think, is my little peek into the abyss of attraction and one of the reasons I tend to go out of my way to avoid other Dominant men. Because it fucks with the slut in me. And while Alpha has clearly seen it all and probably knows better than I do, it's difficult to admit directly--what I find attractive and pushes my buttons. Then again, it's one thing to admit it. Another thing completely to actually show it.

Though I do suspect that if I spent a bit more time accepting that part of me, I would be able to squash my jealous tendencies more effectively. Because that's part of being human right? Attraction. And it's not an exclusive experience. Trying to make it so has a tendency of repressing parts of who we are. And after all, attraction isn't everything by any means--a serial killer could be attractive, but you don't want to marry him and say "you own me, do whatever you want with me" lol.

But it all just goes to show--I will find the most gorgeous man in the world completely unattractive if he hasn't got the intensity and that certain something that you see when looking at a Dominant man.
And no matter who I may see as attractive? Alpha knows it before I do. And I don't belong to any of them, nor do I want to. And He knows that too. Hmm, excessive use of "and."

Now I'll post on the way out the door and hope that Alpha reads while I'm not home so that I don't have to squirm and feel like I'm boiling in the lobster pot for the entire time it takes Him to read this (He really could work on that whole speed reading thing sheesh).

Damnitfuckingcrap, Guess the title, and unreasonable suggestions

 So I had a nice sassy little post put together for today because I had all kinds of uninteresting things to say yesterday and I just couldn't keep them all to myself. It has however, been preempted and if you want to read it, you will first have to wade through the lines of bitching I am about to flood my blog with lol.

I experienced a terrible tragedy yesterday--my clothes dryer went kaput. Yes, one of the most dearly beloved and important members of my household took a royal shit on my parade and proceeded to experience an extremely untimely death. As anyone who has been in close proximity to 2 and 8 year old boys knows, they are always rolling in the dirt, their clothing is small and therefor ridiculous to dry on hangers, and they go through an inhumane amount of it.
The dearly beloved dryer has been teetering on the edge of death for a while. I was not so secretly hoping that it would go to it's grave at a time when all the laundry was clean. And since there is no such time in my house, logic dictated that it should have survived until both children turned eighteen and went somewhere else to do their laundry lol.
If Alpha can't fix the dryer, I'm tempted to make sure that it rests in pieces to get back at it for leaving me. Lol. I had a spectacular weekend. And every silver lining comes with a nice dark cloud.

Now returning to the regularly scheduled programming...

Alpha pointed out that the title font I chose for my blog is ridiculously impossible to read and I should probably change it. Change it because it's unreadable?! What a completely unreasonable suggestion. I sputtered and offered an outright refusal in the form of "it's My blog and if they like it enough to read it, then they can deal with trying to guess what the title's are." Yes, completely selfless and not bitchy of me, I know.
He raised an eyebrow (you know, the one that is often a signal of something unpleasant to come), and stated firmly that it didn't really matter what other people thought and He said it was unreadable so if He told me to change it, I damn well would.
Ummm, I instantaneously became one of those solicitous and reasonable submissives who speaks softly and punctuates every sentence with "please" and "thank you" (see, it is possible for a leopard to change it's stripes spots. At least for a little bit lol).

So if the pretty, albeit unreadable, title font that I'm so fond of gets changed to something people can actually read--it was completely against my will and selfish tendencies better judgement.

Maybe one day I'll be less random...

I noticed that my poor blog is once again drowning in completely vanilla ramblings so I thought I should do something about it lol. This is totally random and probably won't make any sense, but it's not all vanilla lol.


Unfortunately, Alpha is permitted to make all the snarky comments He wants--when I do it He calls it diarrhea of the mouth and is mean about it. Hmph.
Anyways, the other day I was being particularly obstinate my usually sweet and pliant self while browsing through my regular blog reads. He asked me if I was trying to learn how to be submissive from reading people who actually are submissive and know how it's done. ?!??!!*#!? I was a little bit hurt.

This morning, after reading Stormy's last post (shelter in the storm, over on the right), I was feeling quite smarmy about His previous statement. "Uh huh, sure babe, I'm learning great punishable one-liners how to be more submissive by reading my favorite blogs."

Seriously though, while I haven't been writing about it much, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about ttwd.
And it's funny, because in the beginning, I did all this reading, and I had all these expectations about how He should be (note, it was "how He should be", and very little about how I should be lol). Five years in and I am incredibly grateful that He does not (often) display some of the traits that I thought were prerequisite for the position.
Sure, He takes what He wants when He wants it. But He cares enough about me and how I am doing to take that into consideration. Living with someone who didn't 24/7 would be a nightmare for me lol.
What is often great in fantasy is not quite so appealing as a constant way of life.

I have come to believe that Domination isn't so much about demanding submission as it is about inspiring it. Both have their place to be sure, but in the long run, demanding isn't going to get you everything. Well, yes, His damn bat radar and my need for air does often inspire me to acquiesce in the required manner lol, but the way He is and the actions He takes inspire me to at least try and be/do what He wants quite a bit more often.

We were together a long time before starting our journey into D/s. But I think you learn a lot more about someone when they are in a position of power. What's the saying, "All power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely"? Alpha is pretty easygoing, generally forgiving, and, unlike some of us, ahem, can handle not getting His way. When He's bending down to open the door for some little old lady, you would never know He spent the night before whacking me with unpleasant implements for resisting "His way."

When people are experiencing something traumatic, are powerless, are in a position of power, or have become truly desperate, is when you find out what they are really made of.
I have learned that Alpha's not quite as soft as He comes off.

And I have also learned that there are no experiences that can compare to cruelty mixed with compassion, Domination combined with mercy, primal need tempered by love, the quandary of submission and strength, the enigma that is life as both princess and slut, and the insanely painful yet rewarding experiences that come when you live your life in complete honesty with another human being.