Being in control

 Just for the record...I'm not entirely sure this post makes any sense at all...

So when I'm feeling bitter about having to do something I don't want to, I occasionally make statements like "I wish I was in charge, then you'd see!" For the record, such thoughts are best run carefully through that ever elusive brain-to-mouth filtering system that so often malfunctions on me. They are unwise at best lol.

Anyways, I can be a teensy weensy bit of a control freak (don't choke on your drink. Nothing wrong with occasionally understating things). Control is one of the biggest ways we assert influence on our lives, how we determine the direction circumstances take and direct the outcome to be what we want.

As a kid, being in control sounded great. It was a concept of the freedom to direct life in any direction I wanted and to take over the world. As an adult in a power exchange relationship I have come to see it in a slightly different light.

Control equals responsibility.  And responsibility can be brutal. As a couple we are a team and we make life decisions together. He asks for my input and takes it into consideration. Occasionally He disagrees and goes another route. Which hasn't always worked out. Of course, there have been times when He went the direction I wanted and it was completely disastrous as well. Things like this tend to lead to little identity crisis for the person responsible for the decision.


"My blog had an identity crisis babe."
"You're having an identity crisis."
"Umm, no, I said my blog is having an identity crisis."
The eyebrow went up and He looked at me like I was deaf.
"That's what I said, You're having an identity crisis."
"Oh pfbt, fine."

That doesn't really fit in here does it? Perhaps I should have called my blog "the random nonsensical ramblings of an insane submissive."


Over the last couple of years Alpha made some decisions that had less than desirable consequences. Some of them were decisions I pushed for, some were ones I disagreed with. In the end? He feels that they were all His because He was the one in control. I would like to see Him get back to that place where He no longer second guesses His decisions. Admittedly easier said than done when you have a sub who is constantly questioning the validity of said decisions (I did say introspection was a bitch right?). Hey, I'm working on it.

The thing is, being in control is not a piece of cake. Those who are most power hungry often make the poorest leaders because they lack the caring and ability to analyze the possible consequences of their decisions.
This thought process is the one thing I often find missing when I read the writings of new Dominants--the realization that being in control means being responsible for the outcome of your decisions and it's impacts on the person you are leading.

So before you decide you want to be in control of someone else's life? Be first and foremost in control of yourself and take a moment to think about what it really means. Because being in control is not a piece of cake.

And when you aren't the one in control, I feel it's a public service to say "think twice before making damning statements about being the one in charge because someone else is wielding those painful implements!"

Given but not offered

I was thinking about something that I'm not particularly fond of admitting to myself. Therefor, it naturally hasn't made much appearance on my blog lol.

For the most part, I require some kind of force to submit. My submission to Alpha is, (almost, ahem) always given--but rarely offered.

And I was thinking about that particular subject in my closet when Alpha inserted His finger into my collar and began towing me towards the bathroom (I complied in complete grace I assure you). This can only mean a couple of things (He's getting a blow job or I'm getting a "shower"), so when He let go at the step to navigate His way over the dog? This beautiful opportunity to bolt presented itself...The temptation was strong and I must admit to pausing and weighing my options. Perhaps I temporarily lost my mind, or maybe because of what I had been thinking about, I went without protest (hey, making "pretty please...nooo" eyes does Not count).

And...Well, since Alpha was on the receiving end I would have to ask Him, but I thought it was pretty damn good (ask for an evaluation of my performance?! I must be going off the deep end). But I think it all began with that little item in my closet I don't like to think about much.

We have both gotten to that point far beyond stress where after a while He just wants my submission to be offered...or perhaps doesn't really reach for it because I'm predictably porcupine-like and He's tired...Then eventually He gets tired of waiting and I pay dearly in some way, we fall back into the abyss, and life goes on.

I know He finds complete and constant submission boring...But I also know that He wishes I would offer it more than I do, that He didn't have to push for it when He wants it. Because after all, it's already His right?

And I sometimes wonder, why my submission is often given, but rarely offered.

Self improvement is a real pain in the ass lol.

It's good to be Owned

Being owned can be a bit of a bitch at times. But when it comes right down to it? It's good to be owned.
This train of thought was inspired by the fact that Alpha decided I no longer have to deal with our insurance company--He's the only person who gets to bend me over lol.

It's good to have some shelter from the storms, a shoulder to occasionally hide behind, a guiding hand to hold.

I have not been at my best lately--physically I'm tired of the constant pain, mentally I've been obstinate and cranky. And He's been kind to me. Sometimes I wonder why He loves my roller-coaster ride so much...Maybe it's more thrilling than solid ground? Dunno, but I hate roller-coasters!

Being owned is a challenge--I do so like getting my way (c'mon, I'm pretty sure most people do) and I don't always agree.
But in a way? Being caged has set me free.
It's ironic to find freedom through being owned--but I get to be me. And He accepts me for who and what I am. Which makes me more accepting of myself.

Sometimes I need a place to hide from life. It's a side effect of being human. And He gives me that. Sometimes He gives me that little shove out into the world to make me function on my own. But He still stays by my side.

When it comes right down to it?

It's good to be owned.

Following the recipe

I used to cook dinner every night and I have to admit, after ten years, I got a bit tired of it. After all, everything is better when someone else cooks it right? That turns out not to be true.
While sil was here, she did the cooking when I was at work. I have to say, when you have all day, it's quite possible to come up with meals that are far more edible than the ones she produced. So I have been on a bit of a kick with the whole dinner thing. And you know what? Cooking still isn't my favorite pastime, but I do love setting a meal in front of Alpha and hearing how much He likes it.
Surely this isn't some sort of service oriented part of my personality beginning to break through...Nah. Must be my selfish need for approval.

Anyways, thinking about cooking got me to thinking about recipes. I love finding new and awesome ones, but I usually change and adapt them after the first try. Turn them into something I think is better and more suited to our needs.

Perhaps it was a bit of a stretch, but this general train of thought veered into a D/s context. Specifically how there seem to be lots of recipes out there--follow this one for a better submissive, follow that one to make a better Dominant.
Recipes are all about what we want right, using certain ingredients and steps to create a specific item with the desired outcome and predictable results. When it comes to D/s, I think a lot of relationships have problems because they are trying to follow a recipe--someone elses recipe.

Much like cooking, there is no universal right or wrong way to experience ttwd. Sure, there are certain basic elements to creating something that is great or mundane--but individuality always wins. It's about experimenting with your ingredients and tweaking them to meet your needs.
It's about making and following your own recipe as you go.

The Gods must be bored

This is all rant--humor free.

I try to keep a sense of humor even when I'm bitching, but really? After a certain point my sense of humor just bites the dust. Last month I was fairly sure that the powers that be have gotten bored over time and were simply enjoying watching me fall on my face. This week? Beyond reality for shit going wrong.

Over the course of a month:
An uninsured driver rear-ended me and drove off.
Two weeks later my car broke down (unrelated supposedly).
Sil and monster turned our lives upside down.
The PCO program that cuts my paychecks left me rude messages questioning my quality of work (I may despise my job, but I'm damn good at it).
Alpha's search for summer contracts was unsuccessful.
My car which was bought new off the lot and has been payed off for a whopping three years drives like some lego invention my kids threw together.
My back and neck still feel like someone has tied knots in a string and has been plucking at said knots for over a month. And those constant headaches I have had since the accident seem to be setting in for the long haul.
The rental car our insurance company got us for while our car was in the shop? Yea, twenty minutes in the grocery store and it has a two foot long dent in the side (oh yay, another deductible) Really?? For fucks sake...

And now? Our insurance company informs us that our car is fucked and unsafe to drive (suspension is shot, frame is bent, bumper is jacked up), but they aren't going to fix it because it has aftermarket suspension and the bumper has weld marks that it actually had when we bought it. Yay for minor factory defects huh.
They were kind enough to inform us that we were welcome to take it to a shop that wasn't there's (that's a scam and a half), but no way in hell would they pay for it.

This last year has been like a bad joke and I'm not finding it funny any more.

The Gods may not be crazy, but perhaps they have gotten bored over aeons and developed an exceptionally perverse sense of humor.

Sexy is a state of mind

I think that sexy is a state of mind.

I'm not talking about the people who just know they're sexy and "you are so blessed just to rest your eyes upon me--look at me, I'm sooo sexy." That's not really sexy. In fact men like that make me think about things like walking all over them in high heels. Ahem, neither my normal state of mind or something I personally find in the least bit sexy. And women like that? Well, they bring out that nasty little cat in me lol.

Anyone can be sexy because it's a state of mind.

And it's a state of mind that has been exceptionally elusive to me lately (of course, being surrounded by screaming raging children constantly doesn't help. Oh yes, I'm sexy, just let me finish disciplining this eight year old, repeating myself to that three year old, and scraping the two year old off my leg). Times like these are when my self-image interferes with my state of mind and sexy seems like a far off place.

I have spent parts of my life trying to be sexy ("trying" doesn't work, it's just not the same), and other times I spent trying Not to be sexy, something I got down to a science--it's a way of avoiding the creeps and staying under the radar.

Sexy doesn't care what you are wearing (though hey, it can sure help with said mental state), or particularly what you're doing. Sexy is in your head, how you are feeling, what you are thinking. It is indiscriminate of age, sex, race, and station. It's an enjoyable place to be.

So you see, sexy is a state of mind--one I would like to spend a little more time in.

A path to personal growth or the human desire to get off?

So, like I said in my last post, I read "The Story of M" a few days ago and was rather disappointed. The back of the book promises a story of growth and a woman claiming her sexuality by becoming a slave (alright, so the irony wasn't lost on me, but hey, the last time a BDSM related book fell in my lap was never, so I was ready to read it).
And yes, a couple hundred pages of smut was quite entertaining for someone who has been book deprived lately and desperately wanted to escape the reality of her living room, but where was that whole bit about personal growth and evolution as a being? She got over her jealousy issues and hey, as my own personal green-eyed little monster, I can't fault anyone for that or say it isn't an accomplishment. But if you want to write smut, nothing wrong with calling it what it is lol.

Anyways...It did get me to thinking about ttwd--is it really just a way to get your rocks off, or does it offer a twisted path to personal growth if you chooses to walk it? Hey, I'm all about getting off, but it isn't the most important thing.

Looking back over the last few years, we have both grown a lot. We have evolved as human beings and our relationship has solidified in amazing ways. Is our relationship based solely on ttwd? Certainly not. But it is deeply entwined in who we are and the way I see Alpha and myself, and the world as a whole has changed. I used to see strength and independence as exerting my will, usually in an attempt to get my way.
Now I see them in a completely different light--independence is the ability to think for yourself and make the best decisions possible when they are yours to make. And strength? Well, sometimes it takes a hell of a lot more to acquiesce than it does to get your way.

Ttwd isn't about whips and chains (thought I am not knocking the whips and chains. May I please have a pillow too?), it's about what goes on in our minds and how we can connect on a deeper level. Perhaps even grow as human beings.