Submission, Slavery, and Other Ramblings

After my whole little identity crisis a while back, I did what any codependent normal woman would do--I asked Alpha what I am.
See, I get one question after sex. Not having asked any for a while, I tried to claim that I had some banked up but he said I didn't get roll-over minutes lol.
His response was exactly what I thought it would be (with a couple of added bonuses). He said "Mine. You are a glorious amazing creature. And you are mine."

I think that submission is often about choosing to submit. Slavery is...No longer making that choice quite as often perhaps? Which, in theory, would make it a bit simpler...Though I do have every confidence in my ability to make anything complicated.
Every submissive becomes at least a little bit enslaved, every slave submits. So the lines are perhaps not extremely clear. Nor are they necessarily incredibly important except for assisting in personal definitions I suppose.

I see myself as property. I have rights--I accept the rights I am given. Not always gracefully, but I do accept them.
There are aspects of my life that he displays no interest in controlling. He governs other areas with an iron fist. And I have learned to accept that I don't choose those areas--to do so would not be submitting. That acceptance however, doesn't mean that I don't ever struggle with it (I think my last post highlights that quite blindingly lol).

I don't have my own limits (no need for the whole "what if he decides to cut off your leg?!" spiel), I have his limits. Chopping off limbs is among them, just in case anyone wanted to push the issue lol.

We often are, or become, what we see ourselves to be. Sometimes we become what others see us to be because we allow their image of us to overshadow our own.

Alpha used to tell me that I existed to be his slave. And that bothered me a lot. Because surely, there should be more meaning to my existence? But I think that I was looking at it through an excessively small window of view.
One single purpose does not negate all others.

He used to tell me that I was his slave. I would gasp and backpedal and deny it until I was blue in the face.
But that was before I realized that, for me, the foundation of D/s lies in his definitions of it. Within his definition of what I am.

If he says that I am his submissive, I am. If he says that I am his slave, I am.
Ultimately, what matters most is that, in both forms of speech, I am His. And we both know it.

The Problem Comes Not in the Asking, But in the Receiving

Several months ago, I put in a request for more control.
As is his way, he pretty much ignored the request and set in on some back burner in his mind where he lets things simmer until I go to stir the pot again and get burnt.

The other morning, he said, "I should start making you get up an hour early every morning to make me coffee and suck my cock until I cum down your throat. After all, you wanted more control."

*Ack!* (I know that's not really a word, but it's the best one I could invent to sum up what went through my mind).

I am so not a morning person (just in case no one noticed).
I don't want to give up that first cup of coffee. I don't want to suck on anything besides that coffee. And really, I just want to grumble my way through the first daylight hour in relative peace.

This post isn't increasing my chances of winning that "Submissive of the year" award is it?
Sigh.
Maybe next year?

You can ask, and you might even receive. But what you get won't necessarily come in the form of whatever preconceived notion you had about the results of your request.
I know that.
But I really thought my ideas were better. I still like them more lol.
I do know though...

So what does one do when they are faced with getting what they asked for in a form they don't want? I'm thinking desperately hope that it takes a different form than the aforementioned one, and perhaps gaze longingly at that first cup of coffee and suck up other things.

Very Inspiring Bloggers

It's no secret that I'm big on the concept of inspiration, so when Ward and June, and HisLilAngel, kindly nominated me for TheVery Inspiring Blogger Award, I was quite happy to play.
I am honored. Thank you.

The Rules:
1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate fifteen other bloggers for this award and link to them.
4. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the awards requirements.
I'm pretty sure that there's a fifth rule saying to list seven things about yourself...

As usual, I'm going to do it a little bit differently. Come on now, you didn't really expect me to play by all of the rules did you?

It seems fair to aim for 14 things about me...So I'll do 14 things about Alpha/us (just a teensy bending of the rules right?). Seriously though, is there really anything that's not here already?

1. Alpha refuses to accept any semblance of a midlife crisis from me on the grounds that he's older. Totally unfair right?
2. He has a mistress--her name is online chess. However does one kill something like that?
3. He won't go clothes shopping with me, which I find highly stressful because no matter how hard I try, there's always something that he doesn't like.
4. I hate eggs, and we get an average of sixteen fresh eggs a day.
5. I can crochet but have never been able to follow a pattern because I simply don't understand them. Honestly, I would prefer knitting because when else would I be allowed to use sharp pointy objects for fun? Alas, I lack the necessary coordination to wield two items at once.
6. I cried when my college math teacher died--he called me "Girl scout", threatened to throw erasers at me, taught me concepts that I never previously thought I could grasp, and claimed that in his entire teaching career, (which spanned decades) he had never had a student who tried so hard and got wonderful grades but was so completely inept at basic math.
7. Alpha has no problem turning his head to watch a beautiful woman go by.
8. I am not-so-secretly afraid that Alpha will lose interest in me as time goes by.
9. Spring is my favorite time of year--winter is too cold, fall means that winter is coming, and summer is too hot. Fickle? Who, me??
10. Alpha will give anyone a second chance and it drives me nuts--I say just ditch 'em the first time. Well...I say other things too, but I try to keep my murderous musings somewhat private. For the most part anyways.
11. For our third anniversary, my father gave us a book about Kama Sutra and a bed to practice in.
12. After nearly thirty years of life, I'm still not comfortable with my sexuality (or lack thereof).
13. My ideal birthday party, (for anyone) is one that doesn't require me cooking.
14. Having grown up without it, I think that indoor plumbing is the best invention everrrr. Oh yea, and I stared at this last one for 10 minutes before coming up with something lol.

I'm pretty sure most of these are already here somewhere...What can I say, there's only so many things one can say about oneself before repetition sets in.

I usually bow out of nominating people, because it's inevitable that someone will get left out, then I'll post, and guilt will bite me in the ass. But I'm going to bite the bullet this time lol.

In no particular order...

What Does it Mean to be Dominant
Sir J always makes me think, and has often expressed concepts that have helped me adjust my view in a positive manner. I enjoy and respect his views on Dominance and submission
What I Wonder
Greengirl has this crazy habit of writing the things in my brain that I can't make sense of. She is both humble and insightful in a lovely way.
A Reluctant Bitch
Jz has had me running off to Google words more than anyone else I have ever known, and she has an amazing way of putting a humorous spin on even the most depth-filled concepts.
Pain's Pleasure
Tori has a realistic approach and always manages to get the cogs turning in my head.
Be Pleasing Always
Unfortunately, I discovered Cat shortly after her passing. But I have been trolling through her blog, and she was a truly inspiring human being with a beautiful and honest approach to ttwd.
Down the Rabbit hole
Because Master's piece has a wicked sense of humor, and spewing coffee all over your keyboard while laughing is inspiring right?
Kitty the Submissive Wife
I often leave Kitty's blog musing about her topic of the day.
Aimless Ramblings
Sunnygirl is funny, thoughtful, and incredibly kind.
Finding my submission
Sin is intelligent and honest about her struggles, which I like in a land where anyone can decide to project whatever image they want.
Faerie Learns to fly
Faerie's writing has gone a long way towards showing me that it is not necessary to let one's past dictate their future.
The House of Shadows
Though he rarely updates, Shadow has an interesting and no-nonsense take on ttwd.
L'heure Bleue
Blueame always inspires me to ponder things, (I hope you don't mind the linking ame).
The Monkey's Journey
Little Monkey shows a level of honesty with her introspection that I find very respectable.
A Dauntless Journey
Dauntless Vitality writes many thoughtful posts from the Dominant point of view.
And number fifteen...
I shall reserve for the many lovelies who leave thoughtful comments--your comments have made me laugh, think, occasionally tear up, and have inspired me to reach for a deeper understanding of myself and my writing. So thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts in my crazy little corner of Blogland.

As for notifying everybody...Yea, that's not gonna happen.
Maybe I'm shy, or lazy, or don't want anyone to feel like they have to play along (take your pick).

A Question of Sub-Drop

"I had my first (proper) session with a dom last night. in the past its been just during sex (not even tied up :() . but this was without sex, just teasing and orders. It had me so high! I wish it had lasted longer. I love submitting. but today I'm feeling insecure, low, depressed, anxious... Sub-drop can't come from a more casual first encounter can it? I feel completely out of sorts :(."

I think that sub-drop is a bit different for everyone, and there are lucky people who never seem to experience it at all. But when it happens, it is absolutely no fun.
Sub-drop can be a bit like PMS--it sweeps in and takes over, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what's wrong. It's just there making you feel crappy, and taking you on an emotional roller-coaster ride that no one wants to be on.

My understanding is that technically, the high comes from a rush of neurochemicals such as dopamine and serotonin. One cannot maintain that high level of those hormones, and when they drop, cortisol and prolactin levels rise, leading to the depressed and "Off" feelings that we call sub-drop.

So yes, I do believe that sub-drop can be a side effect of even the most casual of encounters.

I don't think that it's necessary to just let sub-drop swallow you up though. Everyone has different ways of coping with it depending on their relationships and personal makeup.
When time with the Dominant isn't an option, I would say that the best thing to do about it is be nice to yourself--self aftercare if you will.

Eat chocolate, listen to music you like, take walks in places that make you happy, exercise, read a good book, spend time with friends and family, etc.
Anything that you enjoy and which makes you feel stable and good will help a bit, as will activities, (like exercise) that increase endorphin levels.

I hope this answered your question adequately, and that you start feeling better soon.

The Nature of God

There's a reason I don't talk religion or politics here. It's clearly not because I'm focused and can avoid rambling about random things--I just don't want to see my little corner turned into a debate ground.
So we're going to say that this post has nothing to do with religion, because it doesn't mkay?

When I was 11 or 12 I read a series of books called Conversations with God. In all fairness, I don't have a good recollection of the books. I do remember thinking that the guy who wrote them might be terribly delusional, but I was willing to let that go because some of it made a lot of sense to me.

Two of the things that I do remember are the concept of God being love and existing within all of us as opposed to being an external construct, and that fear, not hate, was the opposite of love.

I found the preposition that fear was the opposite of love to be...Not compatible with my view of hate as being the opposite of love.
I have however, found that love and fear are intrinsically entwined for me.

Opposites are necessary for life as we know it--without dark there is no light, we cannot truly appreciate pleasure if we have never known pain, and perhaps we could never know love if we did not also know fear.

Getting to the moral of the story...

Before falling in love, I had no fear of death. Admittedly, I was young enough not to have a great grasp of the speed with which life passes by. But my knowledge that life was finite didn't bother me. I saw death as merely an inevitable culmination of life.
I still do, and I'm still not terribly afraid of the finality of it in terms of my own life. But the concept of existing without that which I love most? That is very scary to me.

Perhaps God is love, and fear is its opposite.
When we really and truly love, we know the fear of losing that love.
Perhaps without that fear of loss, we could never really know what it is to love beyond ourselves.
Perhaps when we love something beyond ourselves, and we hold fear's hand, we come to another understanding of God.
Because without darkness there is no light.
Without pain there is no pleasure.
Without that which is unclean, we cannot revel in that which is pure.
Without severity we cannot know grace.
And without death, there is no life.

Perhaps the nature of God lies in knowing and experiencing the opposing factors of existence.

I spilled my first cup of coffee this morning. Can you tell?

Heartbeat

You don't see it when we're walking through the store,
you don't hear it when we're chatting with family and friends.
It's not apparent when I'm doing dishes and he's working on the car.
I don't feel it when he's absorbed in his games
and I'm pining for his time.

But it's always there under the surface.
Often so quiet that it's never heard and can be taken for granted
leaving me wondering if it still exists at all.

But it's always there.

A heartbeat.

One very essential and amazing part of the whole.
Often so quiet that it can't be heard, so deep that it can't be seen.
Sometimes so loud as to be all consuming, and its beat pounds through my ears until it is all that I can hear.

Always there
always sustaining.
In every choice and in every decision.

A heartbeat.
Our D/s.

Often hard to hear over the chaos of daily life, it's steady and strong.
Occasionally rising to the surface and drowning out all other sounds.

It's like when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Every time, there's a moment when I know that the sound of his life is my life. My whole life. Wrapped up in one quiet beat.
I can't hear his heart beat as we bicker about who drank all the coffee, or when he grabs me by the throat and shoves me up against the fridge, or when he runs his hands through my hair.
But his heartbeat is always there.
Shaping and sustaining my life.

In a way, our D/s is very much like that--a heartbeat you don't always hear, but which shapes your days and sustains your life.
It isn't often seen as we move through our daily lives. But we can see it in our veins, feel it's movement in our blood, hear it quietly in our ears.

Our D/s is a heartbeat with it's own rhythm and strength.

Some things you shouldn't do...

Waves at everyone who commented on the last post* I haven't forgotten you. I just have a chiropractic appointment at the crack of dawn...Yay!

I have decided that hibernation is a valid option for avoiding January completely. In fact, I think that we should pass a motion or something and make it mandatory.

There are some things you just shouldn't do--break up with somebody via text, kick dogs, run over small animals for fun, oh yea--and you really shouldn't fire somebody via text.

I got fired by text and didn't even know it because the text made it to my phone a week and a half after it was sent.
Did I mention that I don't text? And that I've never been fired? And that not knowing why is driving me batty?

Oh yes, I propose mandatory hibernation for the month of January.
It'll be great!