Void

Believe it or not, this post isn't related to the previous one. That was an accumulation of those moments that just happen. We laugh, sometimes I cry, it goes in a post and we both laugh while I cringe about the possibility of paying for old offenses again.

This is different.

Sometimes I feel like there's this void where my submission should be. But it's not just my submission, it's the things that are so tightly entwined in it too, like sex.

But sometimes there's a void where my submission should be. An empty space with...nothing. And I wonder, why? How something so consuming and integrated into my life can cycle down the way it does.

And Alpha knows just by looking at me, they way I respond to His touch, the words I cannot find...And He asks me what's going on. But I can't find answers in the void so I return His questions unanswered. Usually He has some form of answer for me, or a different question that will lead me to what I am looking for.

This has been one of those reoccurring themes that makes me feel like I'm on the crazy-coaster.
I need submission. I crave Dominance. The exchange of power is deeply woven into our relationship. It has become part of who we are and how we live. "His" is who I want and need to be.

For a long time I have believed that, much like everything else in life, D/s goes through natural cycles.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there's this silent little void where my submission should be. And I feel like I am upside down and inside out. Looking for answers in the emptiness.

It always ends the same--with me and a pillow asking to sit at His feet and trying not to cry. Well, me not the pillow. I'm sure that wet substance on the pillow is just something the kids spilled.