Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Huge and Absolutely Ridiculous Kink...Wait, Is That Even A Kink?

So umm, I've rebuilt myself fairly well, (in my own opinion, of course) however; sub me doesn't really function for shit lately. I guess maybe when you remake so much of your life you just have to take it one piece at a time?

Thing is, I've had a while now lol...

I struggle with writing about D/s in this space these days. Partly because I've been kind of stuck, but mostly because there is always the chance that one day he will drop in and read again.
This...That huge part of me that I explored with him for so long...It was the part of me he shredded the most. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't dread the potential outcome of every chance I take in opening myself back up to that. We became the opposite of the idea of BDSM which stirs my heart body and soul.

But I digress from my original train of thought...

See, I've got this Domme girl. And we've put together a life, and have both rebuilt ourselves from scratch. Together. So I have a safe and healthy space to open the door for the sub. We have been D/s for years to varying extents...We're just...I think that in a way we have both challenged each other greatly as we rebuilt, and falling back into our rhythm has been difficult...

Still digressing from my original train of thought...

All of the above meanderings stemmed from one original musing about something I have identified as a huge, and possibly absolutely ridiculous kink. And is it really even a kink?? I mean, it feels like one lol.
The feeling of safety. Physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. It's a huge turn on. And when when it's coupled with painful or terrifying things with an occasional hint of tenderness? To be tortured, yet secure in being truly treasured...Yea...That. Safety provides for the luxury of true vulnerability, and that is hot as hell to me.

Safety allows for a lowering of defenses, and I have found that it is only in the lowering all of my defenses that I become free to truly experience submission and its dangers to the fullest.

I guess...I need to fly again... To wrestle and succumb to the dragon...I just have to take the leap and believe it won't devour me completely. Or perhaps more accurately, hope that it doesn't chew me up and spit me out. After all, being devoured is itself a huge part of the appeal.




8 comments:

  1. ...so missed your words. Safety on all levels--that's what i need for kink to even be on the table.
    You can call it anything that makes sense to you...i'd venture to say that is mighty temerarious of you.
    And YEA for the safe and healthy space, the rebuilt and the Domme girl; amazing.

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    1. Bleue,
      you are so spot on-saety on all levels. Looking back, I think that when we started D/s, I was so comfortable with him that I didn't take the non-physical aspects of safety quite as seriously. Or perhaps to put it more accurately, I didn't really think about the repercussions should those safeties no longer be there. If that makes sense...

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  2. I love this handwriting font! Glad you have rebuilt yourselves. I identify with the safety feeling. I think I first have to know that I am safe.....then as the kinky events (spanking) begin to happen, I get softer, sink into myself, and feel safer..... and then hot, hot, hot! Love that vulnerable feeling, too! Interesting post. Happy for you! Hugs, windy

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    1. Windy,
      Thank you!
      I like the font too. It's not the easiest to read lol, but it's a lot like my handwriting.
      That softer sinking into yourself feeling truly is amazing, isn't it? And can be so damn elusive at times lol.

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  3. It is so good to see you back.I am so glad you are rebuilding together. You have come so far and that takes guts and determination.

    I too identify with the safety feeling, I think it's a vital aspect in any relationship, but particularly in a power dynamic one.

    Being in that space of feeling safe and the vulnerability that allows is a main attraction for most of us I think and where we strive to be.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      Thank you! It is good to be back!
      And yes, I agree, feeling safe is important in every relationship. I don't think a power exchange relationship can remain healthy and thrive, or even successfully maintain without it...

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  4. Welcome back.

    Sorry I took so long to comment, let's just say I've been stuck in my own head the past few weeks. I cannot add more to what Bleue said really. You expressed yourself in a way that I most certainly can relate to.

    I find myself each day drawing an endless circle when it comes to living my submissive self. The starting point might be different however. Some days I require the physical 'kink' to break down the guarded me and then I feel safe to be sub me and that is hot to both B and myself. Some days I need to feel safe before the physical can take place and, other times I wake up feeling unguarded and the safety and unguarded place merely needs to be maintained. I wish the latter happened more frequently like it used to.

    I have been reading here for 8 years and I think it is amazing that you have had the ability to rebuild your life after the depths you lived with him. The fact that you can feel safety and trust again is beyond my comprehension but should be inspirational to all who stumble in any way.

    willie

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    1. Thank you Willie! It really is good to "see" you again.

      Having spent an exceptionally great amount of time in my head, I get that one to be sure.
      Maybe that circle is kinda more like an infinite spiral? Where sometimes you find yourself starting and stopping at different points, and others you you come to rest where you started in a way?

      I feel you on when you're in that space where the safe and unguarded place just needs to be maintained. The struggle is real!

      I'd be lying if I said I had completely rebuilt myself and my life, but I think I've made a pretty good go of it so far...I guess sometimes one just reaches the point where they have to choose to rebuild or just die. And if I can't live, really live--love, laugh, cry, grow, trust, explore, then there's not much point in the survival...

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