Peacefully being?

I browse through blogs and it seems like so many submissives are, well, submissive at all times and totally at peace with it as umm, perfect I guess. Hmmm. That's not me. I mean, for the most part I am (peacefully submissive, not perfect), but to say it was a constant state of being for me would be an outright lie. And what's the point in that? No self-introspection and growth there lol. I don't know how something I need and desire so much can present itself as such a strong internal conflict sometimes. I guess it would be easier if we lived in that fantasy world where there was no such thing as PMS, bills to pay, kids to feed, and life issues to resolve. I am selfish when it comes to M which is very much unsubmissive. I want His time and attention and there's very little of either.
Our 12 year anniversary is coming up and so much has changed since those first years. Most of it for the better. When you are secure in the fact that someone loves you it's easy to say the little things don't matter anymore but I still miss them. He doesn't bring me flowers anymore which in all honesty I'm fine with because I always felt it was a waste of money to buy something that will be dead next week. He always tells me I'm beautiful and He loves me (along with all those other little things that say "I love you" that most people would find deeply insulting and horrific lol). I guess I feel like there's no more "us" time anymore. I feel like I'm loved for being a mother, a capable person, a fairly obedient whore (lets be honest here, we aren't all completely obedient at all times. For those of us who are, more power to them). I guess I feel more loved for what I do than being who/what I am. There's things about me that have changed over the years and I know He wishes they hadn't. There's also things that have not changed that He wishes would. Some days that makes me angry and others I just feel rather like a failure.
I know I'm not the only one stressed out by life. I think it's part of the human condition and in all honesty, M has a lot more stress on His shoulders than I do. I wish M had Dominant friends. He has been telling me a lot lately that He's tired of being the one in charge of fixing everything for everyone and always having to have the answers and being responsible for everyone in His life. It's not that He's surrounded by completely submissive people or that I can't be Dominant enough to help make decisions when he needs me to. It's just that everyone He knows will inevitably always expect Him to have the answer and cover their ass when they can't keep their shit together or deal with their own lives. It would be nice if He had friends who didn't always look to him to tell them what to do next and were willing to actually be on equal footing instead of acting like they are only when it suits them. When I realized how much of a stress that actually is to Him, I told me it was okay if He didn't want ttwd anymore (yes, secretly quaking going omg, how would I handle that). He said that most days ttwd is about the only thing in His life that He is happy with though (breaths sigh of relief).
Anyways, my child has decided to grow horns and break out the pitchforks so my little pity party is over and it's on to dishes and diapers lol.

You

You are my shell of sanity

in an insane world

You are my truth in a world of lies

You make me better than I was

better than I could have been

together we explore this thing some call sin

the fantasies within

You are

my husband

my Master

my life

You define me

I wear the marks of Your pleasure proudly on my flesh

Your hands wrapped firmly around my neck

I am

Your playground

Your wife

Your property

Your whore

dreams of You keep me awake at night

as I wait for Your touch on my skin

Your breath on my neck

Your hands in my hair

Your nails digging into my legs

as You place them where You please

I live to look up at You

place my head on Your shoulder

knowing that when we are older

You will still be here

forever my owner

You are

my lover

my protector

the light in my dreams

in this cold world where so little is as it seems

You are more important to me than the air I breath

You are

everything I need

I miss You.

Expectations

Expectations. We all have them. Anyone who says they don't is either full of crap or dead. The big variable is whether we predominantly expect good things or bad. Generally, M always has good expectations for people, choices, circumstances, etc. Myself, I tend to expect the worst because when people or circumstances fall through, it's less of a let-down. That being said, I'm really concerned that this move is not going to pan out like it's supposed to but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's all on M at the moment and He feels like I don't believe in Him when I express my concerns (so I'm still working on my delivery pbhtt). The fact that M didn't call me last night isn't a super confidence booster. If there's no good news, He tends not to share the news at all.
In all honesty I'm having a bit of an identity crisis lol. submission is kind of like a shell of sanity for me, and when it's consistently not there, I feel ungrounded and a bit off the handle so to speak. I have spent my entire life living in this valley and leaving everything for possibilities is rather nerve wracking. In the whole time we have been together, M has always had his business and that is how He bought our house and how we stay alive. Leaving it all behind and moving with heaps of debt is just stressful for us both.
It sounds silly, but I'm also freaking out about my boy going to school. I home schooled our eldest through second grade and in August he will be going to his first ever public school. It was mainly my decision, because it has just gotten to the point where we spend more time fighting about him doing his work than any actual school and we have very limited space so the little one just will not let him do his work no matter what I do. I didn't get an education until after our first child. My mom home schooled me until third grade, it got to be to much and it just ended there. I was not sent to school or anything. When I went to test into GED classes, it was brutal. I got my GED, took some core college classes, and worked my ass off to keep a 4.0. I swore my kids would never go through that. No matter what it takes they will have a good education and not have to struggle like I did to make up for not getting it when they should have. I'm afraid that the boy just is not learning anymore and where we are moving is supposed to have great schools (unlike where we are now). He has never been left alone with anyone besides family and close friends. I'm finding the concept of trusting the safety of his daily life to a bunch of complete strangers really hard to reconcile as a good idea. As much as he can drive me crazy, I will also miss having him running around all day. I expect a lot from him when it comes to his school work. I don't know if I'm afraid the school will set the bar to low or to high lol. Both I guess. I suppose I feel like I have let him down by giving up on the homeschooling but I don't want him to struggle like I did and it's just not working any more. I think my fears boil down to pretty much one thought--I'm trusting my baby's life and education to complete strangers! I suppose that sounds silly and over protective, it's just something I have to get over. Not all change is bad, but change is also hardly ever easy lol.

Such a vanilla life these days...

Got to hang out with my sister and niece all day yesterday. It was great to watch the kids all run around and play. Of course, when the little ones decided the house was a jungle gym at 11:00 PM, I think we were both ready to put ourselves in the corner with earplugs lol. All in all, it was a great day though. They spent the night and I slept like a rock. When it comes to my sisters, I have always been the adult looking out for them. Somehow just having another grownup in the house at night is amazingly for my nighttime stress levels though and I slept like a rock.
I still have not heard from M yet today. I'm sure He worked really late last night though so I will await His call tonight. M put His old truck back together so I wouldn't be stuck out here without the car. It's a great feeling knowing I Can leave the house, even if I don't lol. I do feel bad for M though, that truck is a Frankenstien, it's been rolled, sat for three years, the headlight is taped in, and the heater doesn't turn off which has to be absolutely brutal in this heat.
Trying to make plans for fathers day now. M will be home saturday, probably in the early AM hours so no doubt He will sleep for the first part of the day anyways. I was able to scrape up enough money for milk And a card yesterday, so we're good to go lol.
Life seems so vanilla and bland lately. A while back I decided that the purpose of life was to experience the vast range of emotions and things life has to offer (yea yea, I had the world figured out for a whole day. Maybe next time it will be 2 lol). Then we immediately got hit with a vast range of awful experiences and emotions so I'm not a huge fan of my theory any more lol. Anyways, I miss M dreadfully which is silly because He's only been gone like 26 hours, but there you have it. I guess it's better to be silly and miss someone than hate the person you are married to right?

Inadequacy and being better

One of the things I love about M and ttwd, is that He/it pushes me to be better, do better, try harder. That being said, it's really difficult for me to accept constructive criticism. No matter how it's phrased, I generally always just feel inadequate afterwards. I used to operate with the theory (regarding oral sex) that there was no point in doing it if I wasn't going to do it all the way. Yea, the theory is great but it no longer works for me. At 17 I had no gag reflex whatsoever so a mouthful of cum was nothing objectionable. After our first son was born, I developed a wicked gag reflex. I don't know if it had to do with the 8 months of morning sickness or what, but there's no denying it. Whenever M cums in my mouth I am so busy concentrating on not puking all over Him that my performance is less than commendable. Last night He pointed that out and said He fantasizes about what it used to be like and wants it to be like that again. Okay, it wasn't harsh criticism, in fact it probably barely fits into the category of criticism at all, but I felt like a complete failure. Some things are pretty easy to change or deal with. Not everything that happens is easy for me to take to or enjoyable, but I can deal one way or another, and even when I can't it's okay because it's not about what I want anyways. Throwing up all over your Master when He's cumming is not acceptable however lol. The gag reflex is something I have been completely unable to get under control. Dunno, I try really hard to be the whole package, but I don't know if I will ever achieve it. I'm not good at everything and I suck most of all at failure, well I do it fine lol, but I don't deal with it well when it happens.
The f***** up thing is, M was absolutely lovely to me last night. My back went out again and He rubbed me down before taking His pleasure and making sure I had an incredible orgasm (another point of inadequacy for me. I rarely cum more than once). I might not have felt like such a disappointment if He hadn't been so wonderful to me last night. I felt like I owed big time and didn't pay up I guess.
M has been incredible to me. I was going down a really bad road when we met and He took me away from it all. He has always provided for me, protected me, loved me, and given me what I needed, even if it hasn't always been what I thought I wanted. In less than two weeks, we will have been together for 12 years and I still feel like I'm not worthy of Him.
I look back on my posts over this last month and most of them seem so annoyingly "poor me," that I want to smack myself and snap out of it. I feel like life is taking us on a roller coaster ride and I'm not strapped in I suppose. I have not had so much as an hour away from the kids in over a month, I feel somewhat homeless (so ridiculously ironic because we own this house) because of the fact that we still don't have a place to move into, and I'm really not doing well handling M being away for extended periods of time. We have never spent so much time apart and still not having a place to live when we move makes it all seem rather futile sometimes.
I love my kids unconditionally, they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and could not handle it were anything bad to happen to either of them. They are however, driving me absolutely crazy. It's all petty arguments over toys, dirty diapers, mindless screaming (from them not me, yet, lol), constant needs, and never ending craziness.
I have high hopes for our anniversary. Just to get away for the night and spend some time with eachother where the only needs I have to think about are M's.

Should really be working...

Okay, so I should really be working, but the house is clean and the kids are happy so it will still be there later. I have been thinking a lot today. Now that my brain no longer feels on the verge of explosion. I've been thinking about how others view ttwd.
I'm not big on friends. They always seem to screw you over so I figure, whats the point? Anyways, I have a friend (I know, singular. I'm only open to having one person at a time screw me over lol) her husband is M's friend and when we move they will be working together so we will all be spending a fair amount of time with each other. Putting aside for the moment, that I am ridiculously pissed at them because I feel the "screwing over" beginning already, I wonder why so many women view submission as such a bad thing? This friend (still not sure about how real of a friend, I guess time will tell), is all about ahem, "pussy power" (just typing it makes me feel like someone is running nails across a chalkboard lol), she's pretty controlling and generally has no respect for her husband whatsoever. Now, let me clarify something before some random person comes along and gets offended. I am well aware that there are male submissives and female Dominants. That is their dynamic, it makes them happy, more power to them. This is in no way intended to be a jab at such couples. Back to my point. They don't have a D/s dynamic, it's more of a power struggle that lacks respect, listening, and understanding. Anyhow, she seems to be of the opinion that any woman who is even remotely submissive to her husband is somehow less of a woman, a weaker thread so to speak (mind you, she doesn't complain when I make the coffee because M is tired of hearing her and her husband bicker about who will). And I wonder how people got to this viewpoint? The one where Dominant males are simply abusive brainless monsters, and submissive women are nothing more than abused mindless weaklings. It seems so incredibly ironic to me because so many women are genuinely attracted to men with Dominant character, and so many men appear to have the fantasy of a submissive woman. Never mind the fact that both groups tend to lack the ability to understand and deal with either. As a fantasy it's fine, as a reality it's wrong and only sick twisted people do it. Ummm, huh? Excuse me, but as long as it's consensual (which requires individuals be old enough to offer that consent. Something I feel very strongly about as an abuse survivor), I don't really care what anyone does in their relationship and bedroom! After all, it's none of my business and who am I to judge. Now if others could just refrain from the judgement themselves...
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that being Dominant or submissive doesn't make you less or more, better or worse. It just is. I fail to see how such an apparently wide-spread fantasy can, at the same time, be viewed as so wrong and bad.
In a funny way, submission has helped me learn so much about myself and made me a more confidant person. I think I may always struggle with self-esteem issues, but I like to think life is about evolving and growing and it's all just the beginning of growth until it's over. And hopefully, that's just another kind of beginning in itself.

Optimism aside lol, I just found out that my sister won't be working with me after we move so my workload will be insane. I wouldn't mind so much if it was actually something I enjoyed, but it isn't and there will be way more than I can possibly handle on my own, no matter what kind of hours I put in. See what happens when I'm too optimistic about life?! It straightens me out and makes sure the cynical pessimist in me is still alive and kicking lol.

Feeling half-way human again

Oh my, can it really be true?! The migraine is gone. Thank freakin goodness because it was really interfering with life. After ten days, I can think again and am just hoping it doesn't make a surprise reappearance. The migraine was Not a good friend and I don't want it living with me any more lol. It really did not help the dynamic between M and I either. He was gone for so long that we were both ready for some play (I need another term for it, He has a real problem calling it "play" because of the responsibility it requires). I couldn't hardly move though so dinner served up with a side of argument has been about the extent of my service since He got home. Hopefully the migraine won't move back in and we can have some time to ourselves tonight so I can make up for it.
Anyways, today is sister's birthday and the poor house is still a mess to I had better get my butt to some cooking and cleaning. M will be home early and the world doesn't seem like a complete waste anymore so I'm going with it while I can lol.

In absence of Grace

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. I tend to strongly equate beauty with grace and I find grace, well, amazing. That being said, I lack it completely. You name the arena, and I just don't got it so to speak. My body is not in the least bit graceful. I could trip over my own feet and break a leg in a padded room lol. My attitude seems to generally be completely devoid of graciousness, and my submission...I think it's graceless as well; though, it is the one instance in life where I feel any semblance of grace in myself. That being said, M practically exudes grace out His friggin pores and the women He notices look like every bone in their bodies were made out of pure unadulterated grace.
The more M is gone, the more I notice how little time I spend on my appearance and overall demeanor lately. I think I brushed my hair all of twice the whole time He was gone. I spend all my time home alone with the kids, covered in food, tears, and mind-numbing craziness. I suppose some women can be graceful while they are changing poopy diapers and scrubbing throw up off their couch, not me though lol. Somehow grace and beauty just don't fall into the equation of coping with daily life lately. I made an effort when He got home, an effort that was half assed to say the least due to the mind-splitting migraine I've been living with. So it wasn't exactly a winning effort. Top it off with His obvious attraction to all those graceful women in the world and our fight of last night, and I feel like I might as well abandon my quest for grace now, find a paper bag, and call it good lol.
I wonder how M would feel about me if He could see me through my eyes. Would He still think me beautiful, would He still love me, would He still believe me worthy of being His property? I feel as if I have lost myself to the needs of our kids, to the mundane mediocrity of daily existence.
I think grace is a state of mind. One that I hope to achieve in my lifetime. Hopefully while I am still young enough not to break a hip by walking out the door lol.

Ironies of life

Seeing the amount of visitors this blog has gotten, I am well aware that my writing has probably been exceptionally boring lately. And I apologize since this post is going to be in the same vein. It seems that the mundanness of daily life has swallowed me and there is little else to write about for now. I have been Dominating my world on a daily basis just to keep things up and running while M is away and it is difficult to adjust back and forth. Things have been rough for M as well. He has been working 18 hour days every week He is gone and when He gets home, He must go back to His normal work immediately.
Everything culminated in a fight last night. Normally, we never fight. For the first years before discovering ttwd, we had a fairly volatile relationship. Not to say we didn't love each other then, we were just fairly prone to knock-down, drag-out fights that made people run and hide. We went a really long time without so much as a mild argument, but we have had two fights in a month which is unusual for us. I find that these fights effect me in a completely different way than they used to. For one, I no longer yell and rage and it takes very little anger from M to leave me a quivering mess. For another, whatever He says during the fight sticks in my head for what seems like ages. Last night it was the statement that I only wanted "mine" and for 12 years have only seen how bad off we are, how it is due to other people, that I don't appreciate what I have, and that I feel the world owes me. An attitude M absolutely despises. Ironically, the people He has been working with very much have that attitude towards Him when it really isn't true, which spawned the way I have been feeling, seeing as they owe us enough money to dig ourselves halfway out of the financial pit we are in and M has done an incredible amount for them. M said that no matter what, I always want more. ummm, ouch. In all honesty, I do see myself as the pessimistic one in our relationship. I tend to be fairly cynical and expect the worst of people in general. I do really believe that you can always trust people to be human with its inevitable pitfalls and habits of screwing each other over. M has always been much more upbeat and positive which is just one of the many things I love about Him. The whole thing left me feeling defeated and like maybe I am not the person I like to think of myself as being. I guess it all boils down to feeling that His statements about me can pretty much all be summed up in one statement, commonly used to describe the kind of woman I hate most--gold digger. While I doubt M honestly meant it to come off like that, it's still there staring me in the face, telling me I am not as good as I try to be. I look around me and I think I have asked for very little in this life. I don't need a bigger house or want a more expensive car. I don't care about keeping up with the Joneses or who has cooler toys. I have always been greedy for His time and attention, I have always gotten mad when it goes to other people who I feel are just taking advantage of Him and when I feel like He sees it acceptable for others to behave in a certain way but I can't even slip a little. M told me I'm "just like everyone [the people I'm mad at] else." He said He doesn't want me just to drop it, He wants me to change that fundamental flaw in myself that makes me feel the way I do.
A standards thing I guess...M has pointed out on more than one occasion, that I have excessively high standards for everyone around me and I hold myself to an even less attainable standard of perfection leaving me inevitably disappointed in both myself and those I must deal with. Fair enough; however, I refuse to lower my standards for myself and don't think my standards for others are that unachievable. M seems to hold Himself and me to high standards but expects little from others. It's been a point of contention for some time.
Dunno, I really didn't want to fight during the short time He was home and neither did He. Somehow it happened anyways though. Ironically enough, it ultimately began because I wasn't happy enough and don't appreciate what I have. Lol, I don't really feel happier at the moment. I guess after being home alone with the boys and not being able to leave the yard for two weeks, I got to the point where my anger was all I had left keeping me going without Him. Now I just feel...empty.
Anyways, it's a beautiful day outside, my children are turning into monsters, and my house is a mess after M's unpacking. Time to open the doors and get something done.

Dominance in daily life, or having to Top your world as a sub

I think I have figured out my biggest discomfort with M being in another state a lot while I am home with the boys and no car. For one, I just miss Him. Plain and simple. But, as I was standing outside my door at 1 am last night listening to someone trying to climb into the yard, I realized that I don't like having to be the Dominant one in daily life. I mean, there are circumstances in which I am almost always topping in some way. In my relationship with the kids, I am Dominant. With my work I am Dominant. When I am home without M, I am Dominant over everything that happens in the lives of the boys and I. The daily responsibility (and nightly, with my new found "friends trying to break into our property), is starting to wrack my nerves in a big way. I rely on M for feelings of security and safety. When I am 100% responsible for the security and safety of the boys and myself, the pressure feels enormous and overwhelming. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not incapable of it. M has always been very adamant that I be armed when I am here alone (we live in the middle of nowhere and our only neighbors are pretty crazy and dangerous), so I know how to take care of myself, I'm just tired of feeling insecure I guess. And omg do I miss Him!

Another week...

Okay, I had an absolutely insane week and got no work done whatsoever, so blogging sank to the bottom of the list.
M is out of town again for another week. I have found that I have a really hard time sleeping when He's gone. The dogs always bark more than usual and somehow it's stressful knowing I am solely responsible for the safety of the boys. Before we discovered ttwd, it didn't bother me so much. Now, having Him home at night, or at least knowing that He's coming through the door at some point makes me feel ridiculously secure. Our current situation is probably going to last for a couple of months, so I'm trying to adjust quickly lol.
I scared M last week. We have been having a rough time and He's been pretty down, but He never seems scared no matter what happens. I felt so bad. I was breaking up a dog fight while He was out of town and got bit on the lower leg. I pretty much just ignored it and took it easy for the rest of the day. That night it swelled up insanely bad and things that felt and looked like bone started pushing out of the side of my leg. Now, I'm not one for the hospital, especially since the closest one is rather infamous for their shitty ER Dr's. But I was home alone with the kids, I could feel that unpleasant sensation of shock, and my boy was freaking out. I called M's sister and she came to get me (I owe her flowers big time, she had to drive for hours after she dropped me off at the hospital around 12 am). I called M to tell Him what was going on and ask Him what hospital He thought I should go to. Unfortunately, I wasn't my normal non-panicky self due to the shock. He drove all night to get here even though I told Him not to (okay, I felt really loved, but still guilty). By the time it was all said and done, I was almost disappointed my damn leg wasn't broken. I felt like I had freaked everyone out for nothing. I have a piece of bone floating around and my tendon was bunched up with some pretty bad muscle crushing.
We are quite short on fun around here these days, with all the back and forth and life changes going on. Our 12th anniversary is in a few weeks so hopefully we will get a chance to have a day to ourselves. My dad has been all pissed off at M over stupid shit, so I don't know if we will be able to get the grandparents to babysit or not though.
Wow, my blog is boring even to me these days. Life has this knack of getting in the way all the time lol. We need a night to ourselves!