Evolution, Limits, and Butterflies

In the context of a committed relationship especially, all limits are those of the Dominant. It took me years to adapt to that perspective, but it has really simplified a lot of things for me.

I think it's natural to want to have, what we perceive as our limits, pushed. We want to expand, evolve, experience new and previously unreached heights, go further down the rabbit hole.
Because really,

And it's beautiful isn't it, that feeling of nerves when your stomach turns into butterflies, and all you know about what's coming next is that it isn't up to you.
Oh hell, it's not just beautiful, it's glorious and amazing--kind of like jumping off a cliff and not being crushed by the landing. Even if just for a moment, you can fly.

Sometimes we want them to push "Our" limits. And it doesn't happen. And sometimes I we pout. The thing is, they aren't our limits to push. So it's one of those things that's not actually up to us.

Our comfort zone however, why can't we push that? There's really no reason, unless our Dominant objects. Except that we like our comfort zone, so we want to stay there in our cozy little place, where everything is as we want it to be, where the pillows are soft, and the weather is temperate.

But do we really expand and grow there?I don't think so. It's kind of like living a completely sedentary life--you gotta get up and do something, or things will eventually begin to atrophy.

Where am I going with this? Dunno really, except that the strip club idea was, besides being something that  Alpha might really enjoy, a way of pushing my comfort zone, while showing him that I am striving and growing as a submissive. Or, in all honesty, not growing as much as I like to think. I do have a notoriously jealous constitution...

The thing is, I have been feeling...Different. Like something finally clicked. Yes, seven (?) years in. Slow learner here.
Still though, I have found that there is joy in being a good girl, not for reward, but for the knowledge of having pleased; that there is incomparable pleasure in surrender, because it is an ultimate goal of submission; that submission is defined by Dominance, and is not about what I think it should be, but about what he desires; and that to know that one has pleased can be its own reward.

Not really sure this post makes a whole lot of sense...I was seriously distracted by the vote chess game--the world against world chess champion Anand. I am suspicious whenever the world agrees with me. I rather think we are losing...

It's Not About the Easy Things Is It

While I do believe that D/s shouldn't be a constant struggle, I also believe that it is very much not about the easy things.

If we only submit to the which comes easy or pleases us, then we are just having fun for fun's sake. Which is fine, but it keeps the act just that--a superficial act designed for our pleasure. Not the enhancement and growth of D/s in our relationships, or a deeper level of power exchange.

It's not really power exchange if I retain my ability to pick and choose our activities, how far we will or will not go, what I will or will not accept.

I think back to the beginning, and all those times when I was so sure he was doing it wrong.
All those thoughts came from my efforts to control where we were at, where we were going, and how we were going to get there.
That's all a bit contrary to submission (see, I'm capable of understatement too).

Even in those cases where I want to be pushed further; challenged more; taken a step or two beyond what I am comfortable with; when he refuses to do so, that in itself is an expression of power exchange. Even though accepting it isn't always easy.

But after all, submission and slavery, for all their inherent simplicity, are not always about the easy things.

Limits are very much about the illusion of comfort, a safety net to keep us in our safety zones--sometimes they are there to keep things easy. Oftentimes, they exist for a very good reason, but sometimes they are just buffers used to keep us where we think we should be.

I accept that the limits he chooses are the limits I live within.
Since we have things in common that neither of us would ever do, there was never really any negotiation about limits for us. He allowed me to think I had my own for a number of years. Eventually the illusion faded, and I accepted that the only limits I have are the ones that he creates.
It's not always easy, but very little worth having or doing is actually easy.

I think I'm on the road to recovery--I seem to be capable of excess rambling thoughts once again!

And I'm pining for a fix I cannot name in one word, a dose of my drug of choice, a feeding for my addiction...And even in denial of those things, I am reminded of what I am.
I am a piece on the board of his game. The stakes are generally high, but the rewards can be great.
Because ultimately, ttwd is not about the easy things.

Lines in the Sand, and How We Live El Mundo Bueno or El Mundo Malo

An email I received in response to my Me. Him. Her? post made me start thinking about why I am willing to do some of the things that I am willing to do even though I don't necessarily want to. Still with me?

 Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.

The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.

Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.

And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.

The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.

Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.

There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.

In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.

When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.

There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.

So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.

I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.

Submission is Not About Telling Him What To Do?!

I've been thinking again ( I know, dangerous stuff)...Anyways, these concepts are not about the Dom someone met last week or the fledgling relationship. If you need more of a disclaimer than that, you shouldn't be reading here in the first place.

Submission is not about telling him what he can and cannot call me, what he can and cannot do to me, what I will or will not do, or how far I am or am not willing to go.

You can't go walking around saying that you are owned and submit to someone, then turn around and tell him "but you can't do or say this that and the other."
You can have a relationship with someone who cares enough to not do this and that because they would damage you.

I think that in an established relationship, the submissive doesn't have defined limits outside of the Dominant's. I mean sure, I squeak loudly about my feet being hard limits and please don't touch my belly button (it drives me bonkers in a bad way), and he chuckles and says "Oh, you want your limits pushed so I should abuse your feet and stick my finger in your belly button? Okay!"

In all seriousness though, beyond the obvious and truly sick shit that we both firmly agree on, my limits are the ones he sets.

I can't tell him what names he is allowed to call me, I can't tell him what he can and cannot do to me, I can't tell him what activities we aren't going to engage in.
Well, I could. And yes, occasionally I do...But that's not really submitting is it? It's dictating my submission and defining his Dominance on my terms.

He cares about my welfare. And while the world of things to do to and with me is his oyster (I really shouldn't be using that saying, it makes no sense whatsoever to me), he doesn't do everything he could. Partly because I matter to him, and partly because there are things he just doesn't want to do.

Maybe there are things I would do that he wouldn't, but they will never happen because he doesn't want to do them. And there are things I really don't want to do but would because he said so. Though he chooses not to do them because of the repercussions for me.

He could have any kind of free-for-all he can imagine with me. But he won't. Because my well-being matters to him.
And I could tell him what is acceptable and what is not. But I won't. Because I gave him the power and I trust him to use it.

Sure I have opinions that I'm happy to share with him, and for the most part, he's happy to listen. Whether he does anything about them or not, is up to his discretion. And I accept that.

Of Limits and Limiting Factors

I have been thinking about limiting factors. Specifically ones related to our D/s dynamic. It started with this post about limits by Sir J, which actually gave me a clearer perspective on the way limits function within our relationship and the way people see limits in relation to ttwd.
Anyways, this isn't about limits in general, it's about mine (mememe), so if you're looking for a good take on limits in general, I suggest you hop on over there. If you stay here, I recommend coffee--this could be one of those rambles that goes on and on and ends up very far from the starting point lol.

We don't talk about limits much any more because really, there has been no need for further discussion. Occasionally I will declare something outside of my limits, Alpha will laugh, place his finger under my chin, and inform me that I have no limits--I have his limits.
For some reason it took me a while to accept this. In the end it boils down to my trust in his judgement. Though for posterity I feel obliged to mention that there are simply some things that neither of us would ever do. We have these things in common, and that in itself simplifies the "limits" discussion greatly.
And when it comes right down to it, lots of things aren't so much about limits, as they are about stepping outside the comfort zone.

Take another woman for example--it is something that I feel I have given up the right to choose. So Alpha could go out tomorrow and bring one home for the night. And yea, if he chose to he could just not even bring her home. But will he? No. Not tomorrow. Because while I have given up the choice, I have not gotten to the point where it's not going to be emotionally damaging (I know that when he reads this he will tease and ask me if I'm talking about the other woman here. Yea, I'm working on my issues k lol).

Conversely, one of my top fantasies happens to be something that I most likely could not psychologically cope with (and quite possibly physically as well). Much more so than my previous example. But that's probably a post in its own...The thought process here though, is that I don't decide if said fantasy ever becomes reality--he does.

The point is, he won't push me where he knows I can't handle going. He may put extra time into making damn sure I get there eventually lol, but it's kinda funny--time can be everything. Because the human state is malleable and changing.

And because I often end up so far away from where I began...

Limiting factors--I believe that I am my single biggest obstacle to the kind of submission that I would like to achieve. Crap, at this point, I think I am the biggest obstacle to the growth of our D/s.
I have grown beyond trying to dictate the terms of his Dominance. But I can't seem to let go of attempting to dictate the terms of my submission.
Does that sentence make sense to the rest of the world? Because it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I know, big and glorious realizations right, lol.

Life has lots of limits, most of them self imposed.
So if we acknowledge the ways in which we limit ourselves, does that then enable us to expand our boundaries and opportunities for personal growth?

See, that wasn't so bad--it only took me half a cup of coffee lol.

Where is the Line?

I was recently inspired to dive into a thought process around healthy limit pushing and crossing the line into actual damage.

It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.

So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.

There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.

The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).

Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.

For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.

It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.

It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.

And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.

I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.

I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.

I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.

And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.

Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.

How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.

But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.

Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.

Evolution of limiting thought forms

Okay, so now that the cleaning is out of the way, literally and figuratively lol, I may have something semi-interesting to say. lol, at least for myself.

Inspiration and evolution are two of the topics I find most fascinating in life. Inspiration maybe because it was such a big deal to my dad. But it will also lead you to new realizations, big steps, and, well, evolution.
My post yesterday had a lot to do with how I feel about who and what Alpha and I have become as a couple. There have been many steps along the way that got us to where we are today. Some baby steps and some leaps of faith that cannot be measured. Not all of them have been easy or enjoyable but they have all led us to where we stand now.
Often it's easy to slide into thought forms that limit who we are and what we are capable of becoming. Either because we are afraid, have formed the opinion that we don't like something before trying it, or because sometimes it's easier not to take a leap into the unknown (I'm sure there are more, but I noticed my posts are reading like I have been hard lining caffeine, so I'll keep the listings short lol). Everything evolves. At least to a certain extent. If we don't, life is stagnant and unchanging. We limit our ability to learn and grow.
Limits themselves evolve. If you had asked me in the beginning whether watersports would ever be considered, I would have said you were nuts. After events like kneeling in the bathtub, waiting in anticipation, and being pissed all over, I can safely say that limit has evolved and I no longer see it as such. Maybe part of the attraction is that I used to be so adamantly against it. I don't know. I truly believe that some limits will never change for us. They are basic limits that a lot of people new to the concept of BDSM seem to take for granted as applying to everyone (kids, dead people, shit like that). Though there are some that are just limits for us and that's fine--bloodsports and anyone else Dominating me are what come to mind (I feel compelled to add that for Alpha, it's another man Dominating me. Personally I feel very strongly that were He to ever allow another woman to Dominate me, I might hand Him her eyeballs. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen I suppose).

Anyways, stepping outside of limits in a BDSM context, the point is, there are many limiting thought forms that are easy to succumb to. Maybe some are actually healthy. But if you never peek out, how will you see the vastness of possibility and evolution in action?

I'm sure I have not done the topic quite the justice it deserves but I will probably revisit it in the future because I think far to much.