Decision Bank

We were watching a show the other night, and a woman said something that, six months ago, I would have called absolutely ludicrous.
She said something to the effect of, "Do you know why I wear blue every day? I wear blue every day because I think that every person has a decision bank, and each decision we make takes decision making capabilities out of our bank, it saps our decision making abilities just a little bit more. All of my clothes are blue. That is one less decision I have to make every day."
Six months ago, I would have laughed and said that was absolutely ridiculous, it's just clothing!
Now? I lay my clothes out every night before bed. Always a tank top because it's going under a uniform, and any pair of pants that covers my ass because I'll be in uniform pants all day.
Always the same thing means one less decision in the morning.
Laying them out means one less effort at 6 am.
I like the uniforms because there is no choice there. No decision. It is what it is, and it will be the same every single day.

Someone asked me something simple at the end of a day last week. Really simple. Where to put an extra mop bucket. Trivial and easy right? I waffled. I couldn't decide. It was ridiculous. Least important decision I'll make this year.
That night when I went home, I decided to wear a tank top every single day. And I put out my clothes at the end of the bed.
I got up in the morning, went to work, and made decisions all day.

Maybe I'll invest in a stack of blue tank tops...

Right after I put this on the office door:

Coffee...

I woke up with coffee on my mind. Well, coffee and a whole lot of other crap, but coffee sounds good. And reasonable. And absolutely necessary for survival.
Maybe if I drink enough, it will convince me that I'll make it to Friday...?

Testing Resources--Vanilla

Alright ladies, I know that I'm not the only one out here insane enough to home-school who home-schools her kids...
I have a bright sixth grader who is highly intelligent, has always been advanced at math (currently holding a solid 4.0 in it), and now under the pressure of knowing that he'll probably have to take a placement test into the middle of sixth grade (or face redoing fifth if he bombs it), he cannot seem to do well on a test to save his life.

Seriously, the poor kid learned exponents, areas, and prime factorization in a week--much less time than it took me to get a grip on those concepts. He's bright. If he gets put back a grade for one bad round of testing, it will be the start of a terrible downward spiral for him--he does not do well when he's bored, and no one wants to be held back.

Because my records do not count as official transcripts, he will have to take a placement test to enter public school.

So...We're now testing a lot. But, I want him to get experience with the kinds of tests he'll be facing when he tests into public school. Anybody have any good websites that have printable tests? I'm not really picky about the states they come from. I'm looking for Common Core Standards, and anything similar to what he'll have to take to place at grade level come the start of next semester. All subjects.

Also, for anyone who does have experience with public school, I'm operating under the assumption that he'll only have one chance to test into grade level. True?

I'm not in the least bit concerned about his ability to do the work and get good grades--he's at grade level, if not above. If he can't prove that to the school on a placement test though...

So, anybody...?

More Vanilla Ramblings

I turned down the job.
When Alpha said, "If it's stressing you out that much, then maybe it's not worth it" I felt like a ton of bricks had been taken off my shoulders, and the world was a much better place than it had been only moments before.
Of course, the job refusal was accompanied by a somewhat resounding sense of guilt--the lady needs help, and we do need more income. But, it wasn't enough to make a real difference, and I'll do my best to see if I can help her find someone else.

The truth is, I absolutely must find something to do that isn't so physically demanding, and I'm terribly unqualified for a desk job.

So I'm applying myself in other ways for now:

I finished the blanket for Thing2's second baby--it grew way out of proportion. But the good news is, if it survives his childhood, he can put it on his bed when he's twenty.
 Okay, well, technically...I haven't tied off all the yarn ends, but I figure I have a few months to get there (issues finishing projects anyone?).

Looking for a good coconut cake recipe, (hmm, first time I typed that, I got "cocnut", I'm thinking he wouldn't appreciate the humor when related to something you beat up and bake).
I want to try it with lime curd filling, and my birthday is the one I experiment on, so I'm going to try something new.
If anyone has any good recipes for coconut cake, please send them my way!

Preparing myself to get up at the crack of dawn for jury duty selection tomorrow.
The thought of possibly having to sit in a room and come to an agreement about something important with a group of strangers...It's quite unpleasant.
That is not at all what I had in mind when I said I needed something less physically demanding to do--one day I'll learn the ever important correct phrasing for requests to the universe.

Deleting spam comments.
Seriously, it's like someone opened the damn floodgates and the little buggers have just been swarming!
I don't need voodoo to get my girlfriend back, I don't need penis enlargement gimmicks, I don't need nature's cure for thrush, and I certainly have no interest in watching transvestite porn.
I'm one complimentary "Good info on this site, visit my page at_____" from turning the spam filters back on, but I'm resisting the urge because they're such a pain in the ass.

I'm fairly sure that I will get back to our regularly scheduled programming soon, but in the meantime...

Something to look forward to!

Renovations

Poor Alpha (I can hear some of you snickering and thinking "I've been saying that for ages!"). He spent weeks working on the house and finishing the laundry room. Then the paint for the laundry room turned out to be a bit pinker than he liked. Which led to the statement, "I cant' show this off now. It's pink!" But it does look really good...

He let me rearrange the living room this morning. I never get to rearrange!
So I was doing my happy little thing, moving furniture and looking at it from different angles all happy. And he told me I was a blind person's worst nightmare.

But even he had to admit, things are looking nicely.

Yay!

I know I'm a dork. But I'm okay with that lol.

This and That...

While I'm still hanging on by bleeding fingernails attached to the idea of Alpha not redoing the floor, I have to say that the laundry room is coming along nicely. Ooh what a novelty--there will no longer be a washer and dryer in the living room. Though the amount of laundry I'm going to have to do to make up for the down week is literally haunting me in my sleep...

And I think that the more trashed my house gets, the more obsessed I become with cleaning other people's houses. I'll be cleaning my moms stove tomorrow lol. Though I do have big plans around cleanliness when my living room no longer looks like a construction site...Can you say issues?

In other random news, I have to go back for another round of trigger point therapy tomorrow. Not the nice kind where it feels like they are trying to rip out your muscles--the kind where some strange man sticks needles in and moves them around with a dose of Novocaine until you think you're gonna pass out and feel like vomiting for three days afterwards.
I'm honestly not quite sure what my big problem is with it...It's not like it even hurts much (until the Novocaine wears off and you have to go to work the next day anyways).
Maybe it's partially because I really prefer to only have women all over my business when wearing one of those snazy hospital gowns, and I'm not a fan of feeling like crap?
The only person I want sticking things where they don't belong is my husband lol. Though in theory, it's going to do wonders for my hips and lower back!

Now I'm off to tape up drywall while he hovers and tells me that I'm doing it wrong. He's already taken the tape away twice and I've only put up two pieces!

I'll be under my rock...

This whole business of being a responsible adult? Yea, I got a head start on it way to soon. I'm ready for regression lol.
Alpha dislocated his shoulder again, soccer starts today, my mom (who has no health coverage whatsoever), flippantly announced to me that she felt like she was having a heart attack the other night, the garden is in that major stage of row-making and planting, thing1 seems to have disappeared, and I gots to get my butt to work.

Now wherever has that rock with my pillow under it gone off to?

We Have Rights

 So I get carried away with certain topics sometimes, and I generally stay away from them on my blog unless they are related to ttwd; but sfp sent me an email about this one, so here we go.
I truly do believe that turning a blind eye and not standing up for what we believe in makes us compliant in the atrocities we rail against. There are times when the complacency of silence makes us no better than those who do wrong.

Reproductive rights--I have them. Yea, I know--I consider myself property, and so does Alpha. But I still have the right to choose whether I will contribute to the population of earth or not.
It is the most basic right of all--the ability to make the choice to create life or not, and when to do so.

It seems like there's always a big to-do about Planned Parenthood--don't fund them, don't buy girl scout cookies, they kill babies!! Insert collective gasp of horror here.
I think that's a crock of shit.

For one, my first checkups as a teenager? Planned Parenthood. The only way I could afford birth control (you know, so as not to be a kid having kids she couldn't take care of), thank you Planned Parenthood. So they really aren't all about abortion. Suck it up buttercup and leave your judgmental bullshit at the door.

Okay, moving on. It seems like the majority of people who try to stomp on women's reproductive rights are those who aren't in the least little bit affected by their own policies. They are usually rich enough to support a small country or, well, not women.

Humanity has made leaps and bounds in progress regarding bearing children and birth control. But it seems that too many still live in the stone age when it comes to their beliefs.

When I got pregnant with our youngest son I was entering my last semester of prerequisites to enter nursing school. I was not pleased to see two pink lines. I cried and gave some serious thought to terminating the pregnancy. Alpha voted to keep the baby, but said that it was ultimately my decision.
In the end, I couldn't do it. I decided he was our serendipitous little accident, and if he wanted to be here, I would not choose otherwise.

The point is though, I had the right to make that decision. Me. Not some old dude behind a desk polishing his specks with silk kerchiefs and living a thousand miles away from all the unwanted, homeless, abused, starving, and unloved kids that are brought into the world every year.

The choice to have children. The choice not to have children. The choice when to have children. Those are very basic rights.
I have these rights. And so should every woman.

If you don't agree with me? Well you have that right. But you don't have the right to choose for me or anyone else.

I don't wanna...

I am one of those women who is supposed to get a pap smear every year. No ifs ands or buts about it.
It's been, ahem, four years.
But c'mon, can you really blame me? It's basically paying some stranger to:

Shove cold metal objects up your twat and offer unfelt apologies.

Teach them about infection control and prevention with extra credit for having anything to contribute to the conversation regarding painful sex.

Give you bad news with a complimentary side of ignorance.

Seriously though, there is a reason I am supposed to do this every year. And it scares the shit out of me. So I use avoidance in hand with denial. Works beautifully until some test comes back abnormal lol.
And I really really wanted to cancel my appointment tomorrow.

But Alpha threatened to tie me to a chair. And sprinkle sand on my clean floor. While simultaneously rearranging objects and leaving them out of place.

So I'll go. But I weally, weally, weally don't want to.

Final score

Final score in the battle of lil versus vegetables:

24 pints salsa
25 quarts tomato sauce
14 quarts pickles
12 freezer bags grated zuchini
13 pints frozen spinach
15 meals frozen calabacitas
7 quarts dried tomatoes
18 pumpkins
16 acorn squash

Haha, I win!
We will be ignoring the four shoe boxes of tomatoes and several rows of spinach that didn't make the cut (lame pun intended).

Some (Mostly) Useless Completely Vanilla Facts

~Two trash bags full of spinach will reduce to approximately seven pints after blanching.
Fuckin hell!

~Green tomatoes take two weeks to ripen off the vine.
The boxes are taking over.

~I need a recipe for fried green tomatoes.
Any givers?

~Three rather large zucchini will make four loaves of zucchini bread after processing for freezing.
I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January.

~Lavender vanilla Febreeze sprayed in excess will make your food taste funny.
Yuck.

~Baby lettuce must be watered once a day.
Why did He plant so many fucking rows of it?!

~This garden is kicking my ass.
It's winning. I wanna tap out!

~I gave my mother in law my gas money for tomorrow so she would go away.
Anyone wanna kill me now? Please?

~I don't like vegetables any more dammit!
When I close my eyes I see spinach.

~My kids are being monsters.
Free to good home?

~I miss my Husband.
It's been a long month.

Soccer Season--Yes, I Said Soccer

I have absolutely nothing kinky or sex related to say tonight. No philosophical corny musings about love or life's deeper meaning, no deep dark desires or hidden fantasies, nothing interesting at all really lol.
Alpha is working a ten day week, on day seven now. I brought home two very cute kittens who instantly changed from sweet to borderline vicious after two hours in my house. And it was the first game of soccer season.

I doubt anyone browses D/s blogs to read about someone's kid and their sports lol, so you have been warned.

I gotta say though, I felt bad for the kiddo today. And I'm really proud of him. See, last year he really didn't improve his skills at all simply because we had a coach who, when he even bothered to show up, couldn't be bothered to teach the kids anything. Now this year, the kiddo has moved to a new level because of his age--now they have goalies, really enforce the rules, and keep score.

It's a whole new ballgame.

And the poor dude? He's used to really carrying his team. Not being that kid who just can't pull it off. Today, he really couldn't pull it off. He was "that kid" on the team and the team carried him. Of course, he's been sick for a couple of days and puked halfway to town. I told him he didn't have to go, I did everything short of outright forbidding it and refusing to take him.

But the kid loves soccer. And he has this inner drive that's amazing. And I'm proud of him--because he went and gave it his all. None of us is used to seeing his all be anything short of a great performance. But that's okay. Because he can make up for that year of not getting to learn with a good coach. And he's a quick learner.
Unfortunately for him, he's inherited this painful trait from his parents--you know, where "okay" isn't good enough, and failure is  unacceptable. Well, as long as we're not talking chores lol. It's not an easy way to be though.

And did I mention? The kid has heart and guts. He won't give up no matter what--which is a major pain in the ass when you are his parent. But as far as human qualities go, it's respectable.

The kid's got heart. And I love him all the more for it.

Omg, I can't believe it took all this time to sink in--I'm a soccer mom and surprisingly proud of it. Well, him.

Because despite the ups and downs of parent/child relations? He's an amazing kid.

Another Crazy August

August has turned into a crazy month for our family. Not just this August, every August lol. For one, there are three children under five who have birthdays within two weeks of each other (I have lobbied strongly for the week of Thanksgiving to officially be renamed abstinence week. Alpha denied that very reasonable request).

Tomorrow our youngest boy will be three. I get to start reminiscing about his birth days beforehand though since he took his sweet time arriving lol.

Yesterday I gave notice at my job. Those of you who have been reading for some time, will know that doing so is a pretty big deal for me. For one, because my client can be a real creep and I have wanted out of there for a very long time; for two, because we really need my job.
Alpha wanted me to quit and told me "I think it might be the right thing to do." Um, as opposed to He thinks it might be the wrong thing to do...The difference is...?
September 16 is set as my last day. Alpha has a small project lined up (not enough to make it through winter, but enough for me to take a couple months off and give one of us time to find something else).
It looks like the babysitting I so carefully lined up may have fallen through and Alpha will have to take his days off on the days I work to take care of the boys. It's a rotten schedule because we won't see each other at all since we will both be working crazy hours, but we can pull it off for a couple weeks.
Honestly? I'm torn between elation and complete panic. All last night I dreamed about frantically putting in job applications and not getting work lol.

Will the year ever come where I get shit wrapped early and don't have to wait till a kid is sound asleep and find myself wrapping things after ten PM?

Just maybe...

Alpha may have gotten a contract for work...It would just be for a couple of months, but it would be enough for me to quit my job and look for different work when winter rolls around. I'm almost afraid to type out the words in case it doesn't come through...But Gods do we need it. The financial realities aside, He needs to be out working and feeling accomplished because it's part of who He is. And me? I need a break, I need some time where He's the only person who can tell me what do to and how to schedule my life, some time watch our little monsters grow and to think about possibly going back to school. And I'm afraid to jinx it by typing out the words...But maybe, just maybe...He's got work and I get to be back home for a while. Barefoot and not pregnant suits me just fine lol.

A weekend of first's--yea yea, still rambling vanilla

October of last year would have been my parents 30th anniversary. My mom was really depressed and we knew she had one thing on her bucket list that she had wanted to do for years--she wanted to see a U2 concert. So we bought her tickets (one for her, one for me, because you can't send grandma to a concert with 80,0000 people alone). The concert was yesterday and it was full of firsts for us both.

There are many people in this world who are comfortable in the city and used to large crowds. My mother and I are not among them lol. Give me a one lane mountain road with two feet of snow and the local boys killing elk out back and brawling in someone's yard--I'm comfortable with that lol.
Denver and a concert with 80,000 people in attendance and no Alpha? Ummm, completely out of my comfort zone lol. I have never been to a really big event without Alpha, and never to something that big at all. I'm used to having Him behind me fending off the drunks, not being next to my tiny mom and holding back the crowd around her. On the bright side, the concert was phenomenal, I didn't have to beat up the drunk girl, and my moms is still on cloud nine.

We got out and went in search of a taxi. my mom was having problems with her legs so I left her in a very specific spot to go find out where the taxi's would line up. When I returned she had moved and I couldn't find her. It was like being a little kid lost in the grocery store in reverse. All I could think was "shit, I lost grandma, why isn't she tall, and Alpha is going to yell at me!" I knew I would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about her.
I finally found her (30 feet away from where I left her, swallowed up by the masses lol). Then after an hour we were told no cabs were coming because of an accident that blocked the road in and directed to a rail station where the event staff said we would find a taxi.
Lol. As we were passing under the bridge and through the dark alleys of Denver at midnight I was deeply regretting my decision to leave my purse and its variety of weaponry at the hotel. After all, I could have put it All in her purse and they would have let her into the concert anyways lol. Honestly, I think she was high on music, because I don't know how else she made it the mile of walking it took to find a real street corner and get a taxi.

It was the first time my mom and I had ever done anything like that together and all in all it was a great experience--I didn't lose grandma (momentarily misplacing does NOT count), we had a blast, and made it back home fine. And hey, it's good to know that I can take care of myself and someone else somewhere completely outside of everything I know and live right.

I was acutely reminded of all that I get out of my relationship with Alpha. Sometimes I'm irritable about my place--the fact that He gets His way and I don't drives me up the wall when I'm feeling pissy and I have been pretty pissy lately (no watersports jokes!) lol.
But there is nothing compared to the sense of security I have when Alpha is with me.

I take pride in my ability to take care of myself in any situation I may be in.
Some people's parents just want there kids to be happy, some want them to become doctors or lawyers. My dad? All he wanted was for me to be able to take care of myself. And that ability is a huge part of who I am.
But nothing can replace or compare to the safety and security I feel in Alpha's presence. So, not getting my way aside lol, I love what belonging to Him does for me.

It was one hell of an experience and I glad I did it. And it's good to be back home where I belong with my head on His shoulder.

Down to five--life stuff

So, out of the 40-50 people who did preliminary interviews for the position I'm applying for, I made it into the final five who will get interviews with the homeowners (I know, "final five," see, with a little bit of effort, it is possible to make anything sound exciting lol). I go Monday morning. And we shall see!
For now? It's off to the shitty great job I have while Alpha repairs my car so I probably won't see home for a few days again.
That's all I gots today lol.

Work and Politics in the vanilla world

So I had my job interview today. The caretakers are interviewing approximately 50 people (no competition there huh lol), and will narrow it down to five for the home owners to interview and choose from. Four houses, 18 bathrooms, and upwards of thirty beds is nothing to scoff at lol, and the caretakers weren't clear on whether or not I would be expected there seven days a week the whole time the owners are in town (yea, three weeks in one go is not my idea of a job I can manage. I'm still human dammit lol) but it sounds like a good position so I will just wait and see.
Ironically, when you google my name, you get my son's birth announcement, and a number of environmental articles I wrote regarding the importance of industry regulation. Google the homeowners, and you see that the family business happens to be in the very same industry. So even though the caretakers liked me and will recommend me for a final interview, the homeowners may not like my views as displayed by google lol. I figure that I'll go by the philosophy that if I don't get it, it wouldn't have worked out anyway, and if I do? Good by counting overused pharmaceuticals and constantly catering to unnecessary and unreasonable demands eight hours a day (that would be restricted to five or six times a year, minus the meds. Imagine...).

And that my dear readers, is the extent of life's recent excitement around here--exciting for me, boring to read lol.

Divide and conquer

I have been neglecting my poor little blog. Mostly because life has been crazy and as soon as I'm not sick anymore--I get sick again. I understand it used to be a regular practice to remove tonsils. For the record, I want to know why no one is volunteering to chop mine out (Alpha waving around the kitchen knife does Not count).
We have kind of been doing the "divide and conquer" so to speak, so we haven't spent much time together besides nursing sick kids, burying old family dogs, plotting a garden over the phone, and me generally limping around like I'm 80 (seriously, I think someone gave me the wrong back, designed for a Much older model).

I got a job offer yesterday, but I'm not sure I want to explore it. It is with one of the programs I would like to work for because it comes with much higher wages than the one I'm working for at the moment. Problem is, I'm not really looking to work my way Up the creep ladder and I wouldn't be surprised if the man didn't actually have a mother who needed care. You know, one of those people "I only killed two people last year, but I'm doing much better now, really!" At least that's how he struck me, so I'm not terribly inclined to go for it lol.

Like I said, it's been a process of divide and conquer around here. Which has worked quite well for taking care of the necessary family matters, but it's rough on the D/s front--it's much more enjoyable to unite and conquer. Though, at this point, I have the feeling that I will be the conquered when that comes around lol. We have spent a fair amount of time apart this month and I crave Alpha's company, His presence, those random possessive touches, the little moments of...us. Though, I am highly suspicious that, should He grab me by the back of the head and pull like He normally does, my back would pop and that would be that for my walking days (I got a faulty back and hip set. Where do I address my general complaint and request for proper replacement parts??) I'm only 28 for fucks sake lol.

On the bright side, we did get an interesting offer for a review, so I guess I will have to write something semi-interesting soon lol.

Meh...

So I have been feeling exceptionally not submissive lately. Alpha calls it "upwardly mobile," well, that's the nice term lol. I really do wish I had a better grasp on my own mental state. Meh.
Anyways, Alpha may have gotten a job, we're just waiting to find out before I give notice at my job. It would only be about six weeks worth of work during which he would bring in what I do in four months which is great, but it's not a steady income. If He gets it, keeping my job isn't really an option. We just don't have anyone to watch the kids. He asked me if I was scared of not having a check coming in every two weeks, or if I was scared about having to stay home. The truth is, I'm a bit afraid of both. While my job is definitely shit, it is a steady income that we can rely on. And maybe a little part of me is afraid that things will go back to the way they used to be--me at home alone with the kids fifteen hours a day six days a week and Him staring at the walls in exhaustion on that one day we get together.
I do hate my job. But I'm also afraid to let it go. Dunno, I have been trying to round up more work for higher wages than I'm making now. Maybe I can get some regular clients that would guarantee us that weekly income. There's still the little issue of childcare though...I'm going to talk to my sil and see if it would be possible to arrange for her to watch them here and there if need be. That's really the only option but I have mixed feelings about it because of the boyfriend situation she has chosen for herself.

I'm feeling exceptionally lost and confused. Maybe I just need it beat out of me lol. Thing is, I don't want it. Not now. I'm...off. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to turn back on. I think Alpha's getting  a bit irritated with me...but He's giving me the space to come about enough for it not to be a total disaster when He reins me back in which I appreciate. Though the statement about me tying myself up with the long invisible leash makes me think that tonight is about as long as that's going to last lol. And that's okay too.
He's given me a long enough leash to hang myself lol.

The problem is...

The problem with working closely with someone who is bipolar is that it makes a person feel a bit bipolar themselves. For a while, I was ready to quit my job. Tell the boss to shove his anal retentive issues and find someone else to put up with his shit. But we need my job. So I stayed. Then he had an upswing. Fine to work with, fairly layed back, kind of witty. All good. So I stopped looking for another job. Now he's going into a downswing and I hate my job again. Good times lol.
Anyways, I have what I consider to be much more interesting things on my mind but not enough time to give them the attention they deserve. As I'm off to my wonderful and totally enjoyable, well-paying job. Is sarcasm dripping off the computer screen yet?