Have I?

Have I told you lately, that I think you are brilliant at what you do?

Have I told you lately that I think you will be brilliant at anything you put your mind to?

Have I told you lately that, while I am often questioning and skeptical, I support whatever you choose to do?

Have I told you lately that you created some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen?

Have I told you lately how amazing it is that you have made things which will still stand long after we are gone?

Have I reminded you lately that you have already accomplished more than our parents did in a lifetime?

Have I admitted lately that my faith in you is absolute?

Somewhere along the way, some things went wrong

choices were made

the family changed

and life hasn't quite been the same

but that's okay.

I think that perhaps your faith in yourself was shaken

and I have been remiss in reminding you

that you are the person who makes me believe anything is possible

that with you by my side,
I know in my heart there is no achievement to high to reach

that I believe you can be successful at everything, at anything, at whatever your heart desires.

Have I told you lately, that it's okay for dreams to change

and as long as I remain in yours

I will follow you wherever they may lead?

Have I told you lately, that while I am terribly afraid to follow my dreams,

and sometimes I worry that some of yours might be flights of fancy,
I still believe you should do what pleases you?

Sometimes I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes

the man who never falters

never gives up

can live through hell and achieve anything

the man who stands strong when the world falls apart

the man who refuses to compromise his principals for the shortcomings of others

the man who teaches me every day what unconditional love really means.

I know my love, that things are not always as they seem

and lately, there has been a space between us

a small gulf that feels like the endless sea

but I am truly here by your side

always along for the ride

even though sometimes I run and hide

I live to hear your voice calling me

saying

"Mine".

We grow older and become companions to disillusionment

our time here is finite

and that can put life in a slightly bitter light.

But you and I my love

you and I have existed throughout time

where I am yours and you are mine.

The sands of inevitability slip on by

but some things

like you and me

were always meant to be.

Sixteen Years In

Can you believe that we've been together for sixteen years already?
I'd like to say that it's been sixteen years of wedded bliss, but you'd probably end up choking on your coffee and there would be no year seventeen. Plus there's that whole silly rule about being truthful and all...

Still though...

 
I love you.
There have been moments wherein I hated you.
You have inspired my passion and my rage like no one else on this earth.
You are my dreams, my reality, all that I ever wished to have.

I am your property, your slave, the being who always comes to rest on her knees at your feet.
We are the dream team of two, you and I.
You are my fantasies, you complete me and fill in the spaces in my soul that I never even knew could be whole.

You make me confront the darkness in my soul and accept myself as a whole.
You have seen me at my best, at my very worst, and every place in between
You have been willing to dance with my demons and offer me freedom in your possession.

For every moment in my life that has really and truly mattered, you have been there.
You have loved me when I wasn't worth loving, in times when I couldn't even love myself.
You know me in ways that no one on earth could ever comprehend or achieve.

You are amazing. I count myself as lucky and blessed to be yours. I am thankful every day that you are my life.

I am grateful. Thank you.

You are amazing. Life with you is amazing. The things you have done for me are amazing.

 Yours always, in all ways.

On the Other Side of Love

Sometimes it's this craving
an insane yearning
a primal feeling
where I want you to take me to the edge and throw me off
wrap my soul in chains and my body in pain.

Take what you need by giving me what you have.

That feeling when you loosen the leash on the beast and it comes flickering out of the darkness.
Like an ice-cold tongue licking across my skin
as you calculate how free to allow the beast.

Yet...We each know, even before the hunt begins, that the outcome is predestined. As it always has and will be.
Still though, no amount of certainty in the outcome can lessen the adrenaline of the moment. There is blood on the wind and thrill in the hunt. We both know that you will take me apart piece by piece...Because the beast will feed its need.
I live to be your prey. Over and over again, as you feed on my soul, I slowly become whole.

I'll offer you the daring in my eyes, a tiny morsel for the creature of your needs, a taste to pull him out of his cage.
And the daring will fade, as it always does. Inevitable in its demise, replaced with the trepidation created by your invasion. As the thought that I am gives way to all that you are.

We both know that without the beast I would consume you, we would burn up in my flame. Never sweet, never tamed, always raging on. Yet you bring peace.
In the danger of your embrace, beyond tears, beyond pain, on the other side of love right behind where we fear to tread, there we exist purely as the whole that M/s creates.

I live to be thrown off the edge and caught up in the embrace of your will, to jump off into the deep bittersweet darkness that we find...On the other side of love.

In Every Moment

Words cannot express how totally awesome it is to be sitting at home on my own couch, (he'll say how quickly I forget it's all his) drinking coffee out of my cup, listening to the summer birds doing their thing. Even if I have to brave the chicken coup (we have a painful and dark history), and leave in a few hours, it's still awesome for the moment.

I have a few posts scheduled to keep the blog alive. Home has been inspiring. I'll catch up on with everyone whenever I get another chance. Hopefully, in about a week, I'll be able to start being home more.
From last night...(It's getting a tad ridiculous, I'll admit that, but I'm not entirely convinced that pining is quite as bad as whining...

Every moment.

Every fucking moment, it's there. Under my skin, floating on the inhale of my breath, the way move when I think of you, the intent every single time that I wash my skin. Your skin.

I feel you in everything that I do, in all that I am.

I hear your voice in my ears when leaves chatter softly, "Mine".
I feel you in the way the wind touches my skin
in the weight of your collar around my neck
and the caress of water flowing down my body.

The things that I do for this body I live in remind me...

I breathe for you
I need you
to breathe me in
consume me
to set my soul on fire
and remind me that I am alive
that I live
for you.

Because we are always. No matter what. And I am, always...Yours. No matter what.

Follow Your Dreams

I just wanted to remind you that I believe in you. You deserve to live your dreams.

That's why they're finally scary again--because you've started dreaming of really using all that talent.

I love you.

Good luck my love.

My Obsession...

You have become my obsession, my ever-learning lesson.
When I sit in the sunshine
when I lay down to sleep at night
random moments when I notice the weight of your collar around my neck
and all I can think
all I can see
everything I feel
is...
You.
The sensation of your muscles rippling when I wrap my arms around your shoulders
the sound of your voice whispering in my ear, "You are mine forever, you are mine forever, forever..."
The fluttering in my stomach when you say that you are going to cane me until I'm a sobbing begging mess, then pick up the pieces...
Oh yes, picking up the pieces like only you can do. That's the hook, my weakness, the moment when everything that I am exists only in that moment. Only for you.

I want to wrap my legs around your waist, dig my nails into your back, and ride the waves as I drown in your eyes.

Oh yes, you are my obsession. With every breath, with every step, in each moment of every day, I know that I live to be yours.

Something Sweet and Apologetic...

I am sorry that, while we are often on the same page,

lately it feels as if we are reading different books.

I am sorry for the space between us

and that I can't seem to come back on my own.

You know that I love you

you know that I am

and always will be

yours.

I am sorry that I need your help,

that I cannot simply fix it myself,

sorry that I don't know exactly what "it" is.

We have come far together, you and I.

We have gone where others told us not to tread,

together we have created children and buried our dead.

We have come far together, you and I

in our own quiet corner of the lonely sky.

I am sorry my love

for my imperfections, for those days when nothing is ever enough

and everything is too much.

I strive to submit of my own personal desire and sense of being

I strive to be yours when I want to decide on my own

I strive to make the right choices when they are mine alone

I strive to please you by being not what I think I should,

but by being what you desire.

I am sorry that

often I strive and fail.

Sometimes I wonder what you want of me
how I am to please
when you do not wish to put me on my knees
how I am to follow a direction I cannot find.

I am sorry that I cannot seem to reach that place
where submission is self sufficient, self feeding, lacking expectation,
and doesn't so often require your guiding hand.

I am sorry that sorry isn't enough
and that while times are tough
our path has become rough.

Know that you are my guiding light
that when your brightness dims
I come undone,
that though my desires are many,
my one truest need is your happiness.

You told me, "Never forget that you are Mine."
I have not forgotten.
Indeed one of my deepest fears is that you will yourself forget
that I am Yours
mind
body
and
soul.

I am sorry that I most often feel unaccomplished
when I think that you are no longer pleased by me.
Because in a way,
I feel that my greatest accomplishments occur when I am sitting at your feet
because those are the moments
in which I truly find peace.

It is when I find myself on my knees
knowing that you are truly pleased
that I know
your ownership has made me free
and it is okay to just be
me.
At peace with all that is and ever will be.

It Is What It Is Because I Am What I Am

With each strike, I saw my defiance reflected in your eyes. And with the pain, I felt that maniacal laughter that falls somewhere between yield and refusal.
As the blows crept across my thighs, falling anywhere within your reach, I saw your silent plea for acquiescence. That you felt it had been enough and were receiving no satisfaction from my pain.

Yet still I refused to obey. Wondering somewhere in my mind where the line is when cracks form.

I felt the tears from unbidden in my eyes. Distantly wondering why now, why now should pain cause tears? Realizing from outside myself that, while I have been disciplined to tears in the past, the tears were always born of your disappointment and my repentance.
 And in that moment, there was nothing. No thoughts, no echoing of my own unspoken words echoing in my mind. Just...Silence.

Perhaps things would have gone differently had I accepted the silent invitation to sit at your feet. Instead I had ignored the flicker of your eyes, and sat screaming inside my mind for want of blind need.

You gained my acquiescence. The pain faded, yet the tears continued to fall. Knowing inside, that it is what it is because I am what I am.
Or perhaps, I am what I am because it is what it is.

You asked me to speak my mind, and I wondered how it is possible to scream words silently over and over in my mind...And have no words roll off my tongue.

When I had completed the task you had set me and you grabbed me by the hair, shoving your cock down my throat, I reveled in the feeling of your hand entwined in my hair, forcing me into that which I longed to do.

I know you realized the extent of your control over me long before I did. I know it was where you planned to take us all along. But I wonder...Do you realize how badly I have grown to need that control?

In bed later, I resisted the melting of my bones as you buried yourself inside me, and wrapped your hands around my throat.
I cried. Saying that I had lost my place and didn't know where I belonged. You whispered sweetly that I belonged right here. With you.
You paused, commanding me to relax.
My body and mind melted under your touch as I surrendered to all that we are.

In the end, you asked me to once again speak my mind. And the words, the only words I had and knew, came pouring out, "I don't know how to be happy anymore if I can't feel your control. I need to be at your feet."

Drifting off to sleep with your fingers wound in my hair, I knew peace. Because you have allowed me to take my place at your feet.
And it is what it is because I am what I am.

Another Year...

Fourteen years already huh...Looking back, the irony is not lost on me--but it's a good sort of irony. You know what a fan I am of saying, "I told you so" lol.

On one hand it seems like we met eons ago, on the other hand, it feel like only the blink of an eye.

It is true that I didn't know what love was when I met you. You taught me that love is loyal, that true love is unconditional and cares not for the judgement and opinions of others (you taught me how to drive too, but there's no need to rub it in mkay?) you showed me that as a unit we can weather any storm and survive every disaster.

And when things were really really bad between us, you set me free. That was when I truly discovered that I wanted nothing more than to be bound forever to you.

When we said our vows, I refused to promise obedience. Ironic no? But still, I'm not sure that was the wrong choice--promises are no good if you can't keep them. And while I do try my best (okay, most of the time anyways), I do not always achieve the whole obedience bit.

You have showed me that it it is okay to be vulnerable, that risking a love lost is better than to never have loved at all.
You have taught me that one must be themselves in order to truly be loved for who they are.
And that we love people for who they are, not who we think we want them to be.

I would never have guessed that my greatest joy would come in being at your feet, that in being bound I would find myself free, that the joy in being your queen comes to me when I am on my knees.

But I believe that it was just meant to be.
And I like to think that we are just getting started.

I am deeply grateful for the gift of your ownership.
I am glad that it pleases you to be my Master.
And I am yours.

Always
in all ways.

Happy Anniversary Master.

~me~

A Letter to my Love

It's funny how we think that we know who we are and will be until we look back and see that we are no longer who we were.

Suddenly, when we are here, now, spending so much time together under the same roof, I find myself missing the intimacy of being truly close to you in O/our space.
A couple of months ago you began refusing to punish me for anything (that really sounds so much more glorious than it is. It sounds great. It actually sucks).
And when I failed, I begged for punishment and the purity of absolution that comes with it. You said no. So I continued to try.

And I tried to be a good girl. I tried so hard. But it felt like you didn't see. That there was no difference between being a good girl and...Not. Except perhaps in the way I felt. That I knew I was trying to please, even if you didn't see. So I kept trying.

Because it's not all about what's in it for me, not all about what I get from you, but about what I can surrender to you, what I can offer in return.
Because I believe that the truest tests of submission are not in the things that come easy, but in those moments of balking where things are not what I want, or how I believe they should be.

I love interacting with you in any way that presents itself (except when you're mad at me. That just sucks).
I love believing that there is a purpose in everything you do to me--even if the purpose is as simple as for your pleasure.
I love bending to your will and trembling beneath your grasp in anticipation.
I love the way you think and how you see the world.
I love that you are so loyal, sometimes I want to strangle you for your own good.
I love how I can, and do, trust you with my life.
Most of all though,
I just love you.

Life is hard and we each cope with it as best we can. I know you love me deeply (oh c'mon, I know you have something to say about that lol).
I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your touch.
And I know how very hard you try.

The thing is...Lately there are many times that I feel like you are in your own world--as if we live in the same space, but exist in separate places.

Maybe there is some perfect expression of submission out there that can thrive on the occasional demand. And submit gracefully to that form of Dominance.
To put it eloquently--I ain't it.

I am what you have helped me to become.
It is not who I thought I would be
but I find myself most content and complete when I sit at your feet.
Because I am what you have helped me to become.
And I crave your control more than you may ever truly know.

In That Moment

Life can be a real bitch some days can't it?

And some days, I just want to crawl under a rock until it all passes by.

But I realized something while I was lying on the floor thinking about how very far away the kitchen is lol.

I realized that, even if it is only in moments, you make it all go away for me. You are my rock.
Your touch on my head, your breath on my cheek as you tuck my hair behind my ears, the tone of your voice when you whisper "good girl" in my ear.

In that moment, everything else in this crazy world becomes inconsequential.

In that moment, there is only you and I.

Thank you for owning me.

Darkest Nights

In my darkest nights

you have been by my side

as I sat and cried.

Through the tears and the fights

the pain and the fears

through all these years.

In my darkest nights you have sat by my side

as ones we loved have died

and those we nurtured lied.

As we sat through deaths final watch

and returned to earth that which brought me life.

On my darkest days you freely entered the fray.

To save me from myself and what I could have become.

You are truly my One.

Never forgetting what we have come from

when everything seems undone.

In my darkest nights

with you by my side

your lips on my head

your hands in my hair

your arms wrapped around me

you have been there.

In my darkest nights

you are the light that guides

forever by my side.

Even as I kneel at your feet

you lift me up that I might see

all of the things life could be.

In my darkest night

you are my light just within sight

the One constellation
always guiding me

home.

Never to be alone.

Sorry

Is there anything better than a public apology? Well, I know blow jobs are the best apology. But public apology has to place somewhere right?

So,
my love,
I'm sorry for the way I have been lately.
I know I can make anything complicated. And this shouldn't be such a struggle. It isn't usually is it?
And I don't want to blame it on the headaches; I don't want to blame it on those horrible invading hormone monsters; I don't want to blame it on the mess that life can be; or my difficulty adjusting to every damn change of season.
I want to own my mistakes so I don't repeat them. Over and over and over again.

I know that I'm a lot of work. And I like to think that I am worth it. But some days I wonder you know?

The truth is--I love you more than words can tell.
I wish that I could be everything you want and need.
But I'm just lil old me. 

And I am truly sorry for the week we have had. Sorry for the "no," and the words I said or didn't say between then and now.

You don't know how much I desire to please you. And I am aware that is really my fault. Because I don't express it easily and I can be so reluctant.

We have walked a long road to here and now. But I wouldn't take back any step along the way--because that is how we got here. To today.

I love you.

And I am sorry.

You

I love that You Dominate my mind as much as my body

the way You grab my throat, telling me I am yours.

I love Your cruelty mixed with kindness

the way You do nasty things to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

I love

That You can take me down into the depths of humiliation and bring me back up

loving me more.

I love

 how the muscles in Your back ripple when You move

the way You tower over me

and that spot on Your shoulder made just for me to lay my head

how Your hand wraps all the way around my neck

the calculating look in Your eyes when You are considering how much more I can take

the expression on Your face when You are getting off on my pain.

I love

who You are and always have been

the Dominant You have become

I love

the fact that Your traits that drive me crazy are some of Your most admirable

how You defend the weak

and never stop trying to make the blind see
that You are impulsive and responsible.

the way You are loyal to a fault

Your stubborn persistence and insistence.

I love 

that You know me better than I know myself

that You love me for me

what we are and have become

that You own me 

mind body and soul.

I love...You

Through my eyes

I often wish that I could see myself through Your eyes--witness the beauty You behold, the strength You lean on, the whore You reach for. I wish I could see whatever it is in me that You find amazing, worth craving, what made You choose me out of the many you could have had.

And sometimes, sometimes I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. Because I see a brilliant man who can do anything He puts His mind to, who challenges what is humanly possible and walks out the other side victorious. When I look at you I don't just see a tall, well-built man, with eyes made for drowning in and a smile worth crawling for. I see strength to take shelter in, I see a man who has faced struggles many people cannot even conceive of and kept His faith in existence.

When I look at You I see the man who keeps my world turning. The man I love with all my heart and soul. The man who is worthy of being my Master.

And sometimes, I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. 

Happy Birthday

I could go on about many different things, because I miss venting and musing and reflecting here on a more regular basis...But today is about something else completely.

Today is about you my love. And your birthday is one of my favorite days. Because without it I would not have you in my life. I'm sorry I don't have time for a super well thought out post, or something extra smart and humorous...But I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I am truly yours forever.

My love

My life

My husband

My Master

Happy Birthday!

                                                                     

I look forward to celebrating it with you until I am to old to be trusted with using an oven to make your cake.

Ooh, the teen years--Happy Anniversary

We got together thirteen years ago today.
And seven years ago today, we made that leap of faith called marriage. It has been a rocky road with many ups and downs, some wrong turns and breaks in the road. But I have no regrets. Every step we took has led us to where and what we are today.

Sometimes I think that You are, or will become, bored with me. And it's a little bit scary because You are my everything.
Every now and then, I get worried that You will find someone better--because occasionally I wonder why You chose me and how I could be so lucky.

But here we are, thirteen years in. And we are better than we were before. Our love has become something I thought existed only in fairy tales and I do truly love you more than I ever thought I could.

You have given me more than I ever believed was possible. 

I am grateful for Your Dominance, 

thankful for Your love, 

and honored to be Yours.

Here we are, thirteen years in. 

And I love You more than ever before. 

We are better than I ever thought we could be. 

We are closer than I ever thought possible.

My beloved Master, Husband, lover, friend, confidante, protector,
I love You more than words can say.

I am yours all ways and forever.

Happy anniversary my Love.

Regarding deletion: Letter to Alpha

 My love,
 We got to this place where I realized all my cards had to be face-up on Your table. I give You what is expected by both You and I--truth. Always. Now the drawback is that You carry so many of my burdens. That some burdens, my worst fears and nightmares about Your well-being--those should not be yours to carry. Some nightmares and moments in time are just fears to work through. Dark moments in time to be deleted and lost.

I know that here, in internet land, is where you expect the most transparency from me. And you have it. I know you view me writing and erasing before you read something to be breaking the rules. I didn't hide it. And I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions as you see fit. I have mentioned deletion in posts, I left the nice comment asking about it. Because I'm not hiding things from you. Every account, every password, access to everything I write. Because my cards are all face up on your table.

I'm just saying that you comfort my fears enough. Sometimes I need a place to let them out. Read them and throw them at the words feet for a moments time. My way of working past my worst fears. Because some bad dreams are wicked little things.

Can I just say...

Can I just say...I adore You and I love how You read every stupid word I write on this blog.

Some clarification

i got a special request for some clarification. So here's Your clarification Baby.
He said something about training that started before either of us was conscious of it or had a concept of what was happening. Then He leaned over me and stated firmly in that slightly irritated commanding tone, "if you're going to post things on your blog like I've been training you since you were fifteen, you should makes some clarifications." All this time and He's never once requested anything about the blog so i guess it's only fair lol. i grinned at Him, "sounded bad didn't it. What would you like me to clarify baby?" I got the raised eyebrow "for starters, the fact that you came after Me." my not so solemn reply was "and?" "And I gave you many opportunities to run away. Sometimes you did."

Yes, in the interests of clarification, i wanted Him bad. i knew the six year age gap was a big issue for Him so i asked Him if He was going to let it get in the way. Lucky me, He decided not to. As for opportunities to run off and ones taken...Yes, i ran too. After i got Him, i had no clue what to do with Him. But i always ran back. And He let me.

In the beginning we were what i would call mostly vanilla. me to young and deeply scarred to admit to or realize anything else, and Him just...Himself. A Dominant character yet soft and with no idea of what a Dominant was or that there was such a thing as training another human being. i suppose that being the one with an understanding of how the real world worked, He was always Dominant in some respects. But i think the whole concept of what happened in all those years before we discovered D/s is that He molded me quite a bit simply because He was such a huge part of my growth into an adult. i mean, He even taught me how to drive lol.

my Love, my darling Master and Husband, if you want the world to have more clarification than that, would you be kind enough to leave a comment and save me a lot of stumbling around? And pretty please be sure to use Your own id. For clarification and all...
Lol. i love you. If you decide to beat me can it be for mutual pleasure?