The Submission of Asking

This morning, Alpha read my last post and all the discussion and comments that ensued. He said that he thinks one of the reasons it is so hard for submissives to sit down and start the conversation is because it's like the first and most basic act of submission.

You put yourself out there--and he does whatever he will with it.

So naturally, that got me to thinking. A process somewhat confused by my attempts to respond to all the comments on said post. But I think my brain is pulling it back together.

I have been really struggling with submission over the last few months (okay, so it could be said years, but lets focus on the present lol). He forced me to take a more proactive approach to D/s ( mostly by an absence of action). And then proceeded to continue being super distracted and caught up in other stuff. I fell apart. Then I did alright. Then I proposed dying in my Cheerios.
He started focusing on the D/s aspects of our relationship a bit more and helped dragged me out of my funk.

But overall this approach of active versus passive submission has made me spend more time on that most basic form of submission--saying and asking for what I want/need.
Now I don't think that always having to ask for what you need as a submissive is very healthy.
So much of our relationship is based on him knowing what those needs are that it's easy for a sense of doubt to settle in fairly quickly.

Having to ask or beg for what I want is a huge form of submission for me. Having to consistently ask for needs to be met is far less beneficial. And I rarely have to make those requests.
But something interesting happens when I have to look him in the eye (with the not-so occasional detour towards the floor), put myself out there and wait for him to accept, reject, or ignore (ignoring being the greatest horror my active imagination can dream up).
It puts me in an otherwise avoided state of vulnerability.

Mental vulnerability is like laying spread out naked, tied to the bed helpless and blindfolded--only better because it's all happening in your mind (ooh, there's the seed of another post I think).
It leads to an almost automatic state of surrender.

But I do believe that there's a tricky balance between asking/begging and getting what I need/want without that step because he knows what that is.
It seems go one of two ways--surrender or feeling neglected. Begging for wants to be met is, well...It's hot.

Begging for needs to be met leads me down the ridiculous road of question that always ends in the erroneous conclusion of "he doesn't want me, I'm the property you see left on the side of the road for the birds!" I don't feel that submissive means always having to ask for needs to be met--I think it's part of a Dominant caring about their sub for them to help meet those needs.

And yes, I do have an occasional state of confusion distinguishing between needs and wants. Most of the times that I think he's making me beg for needs, it's actually a want. But sometimes it means taking a step back and evaluating things for me to make that distinction.
It's a balance thing. And we're still working on that one.

I think that I put all my sense making effort into the last post and have no brain cells left to translate my thoughts lol.

Where is that Wanton Whore

It's been rather clear over the years, that I'm not so good at being a wanton whore. Well, actually I am good at it...But I'm not good at unlocking her. I have kept her shackled for such a very long time. Because she's trouble. Pure, liquid, undeniably volatile...Trouble.

I guess I have always been afraid that I couldn't control her. And maybe I can't...But He can. And it's not that He just wants me to be a wanton whore--He wants me to be His wonton whore. He wants me to tell Him my desires, to admit that I like sucking dick, to accept that I have fantasies so dark I am terrified to admit them to myself, He wants me to let her out of the cage.

He wants me to need it so bad I beg for it. 

Even though He's never judged me...Even after all these years...I'm afraid of what He will think of that wanton whore. And for some reason, I almost always hold back.
Yesterday I was needy. I needed deep dark things to free me from my mind. I needed this. And He was more than happy to provide it...But I just couldn't let go so He held back for me. Even though I needed it? I couldn't have handled it because I was to stuck in my head.

He hurt me. And He made me feel good. But I couldn't let go, couldn't let it sweep me away. Maybe I'm afraid of what will happen if I let that wanton whore all the way out of her cage. Maybe I'm afraid she'll run rampant on my life.
Which is strange...Because maybe I can't control her...But He can.

Pride and humiliation

i have been thinking about pride and how i feel it ties in with humiliation. Humiliation is, by definition, something that strips away pride. For me, i view pride as a bit of a pitfall. In the context of D/s, i guess one could see it a couple of different ways. Is a sub who's to proud to kneel, to proud to beg, to proud to give over control, really a submissive? Yet, from a Dominant perspective (of which i can only theorize because i haven't asked yet lol), is a submissive without some sense of pride desirable? inmho, a sense of pride, while if to strong, can be quite detrimental, is also important for the ability to serve well. If you take no pride in your service, are you serving to the best of your abilities? i think that, as far apart as they appear, pride and humiliation are deeply entwined. As a submissive, humiliation strips me of the pride that says i am to good for something. For M (like i said, i haven't asked yet, asking leads to "lets try and find out" lol), i think He gets some of His satisfaction from my humiliation because he knows it is deeply challenged by my sense of pride, yet occurs anyways. The concept of humiliation is something many people seem to find aberrant and repulsive. The thought does make me cringe, yet even just the prospect makes me weak in the knees with that sinking sensation of sliding into subspace.
i feel it is important to point out that there is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. Humiliation takes a person to levels they would not normally be willing to go. It expands mental concepts and breaks down the barriers of how we like to perceive ourselves and our concepts of how we think we should be. Degradation reduces a person, it is a lowering of character, something completely designed to break another person down, to make them less than what they truly are. Degradation is, by definition, contemptuous. It is something we find acceptable only when we believe another human being is truly without worth.
And there's my spiel on pride and humiliation for the day.

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

Pride

Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...