Surrender to Silence

Things have been...A little off around here. It's to be expected, and isn't really a surprise.
Now that I am feeling slightly better, I expect to feel the full force of his disillusionment. Most likely in the form of him expressing his sadistic tendencies.

An occurrence that I am anticipating with no small amount of trepidation. Because um, he's feeling a bit on the cruel side lately.
But that's okay. Because we seem to have temporarily lost our space. Minds are loud, thoughts are scattered, and inner stillness has been swallowed by the loud clamor of unclear ideas.

Within pain and its infliction though, there is a silence. That peaceful quiet wherein all thought becomes quiet. A surrender to him, surrender to the pain, surrender to silence.
Between the quiet sounds of pain there is a silence. And in that silence we become and accept all that we are. In that silence there is nothing more and nothing less...Than us.

Fantasy Sadists

I have lots of random thoughts fighting to get out first. From  stupid people completely lacking in common sense, to (figuratively) dripping sex, to working the phrase "Deviously dangerous" into a sentence about BDSM (so what if the inspiration for that was a troll on another person's blog, and it wasn't meant as a compliment? It's gonna be a great sentence one of these days lol).

I'll try to only go in one direction at once with my twenty two cents.

Since we had the house to ourselves for a little while, we took full advantage. For Alpha "Taking full advantage" often means doing things that elicit sounds of pain from me.

I informed him that I am not a masochist after all, and that "The fantasy of belonging to a sadist was so much more fun than the reality."
Much to my surprise, he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "You should do a post about it. I think that many people have the fantasy, but feel differently about the reality."

So...

Alpha indulges his sadistic tendencies in little ways quite often, but what he really loves, what really gets him off, is the sound of my pain.
Given that our kids are with us 24/7, it's not a sound that he gets to hear very often.

According to him, "There's nothing sexier than the sound of a woman in pain."
The sound that comes from the pleasure-pain combination does something for him that just...

The fantasy of a sadist is hot.
It's sexy, and dark, and mysterious, and scary, and exciting, and fulfilling, and dangerous, and well--it's hot right?

The reality of a sadist is, well, it's all of those things. But it is also very different. It can be unpleasant, unwanted, inescapable, and...Just downright painful.

The reality is that he will hurt you until his desire to do so is sated, until his need is fed, until he is done.
Not until you no longer want it, feel that you have no need for it, or until you think that you are done.

In fact, in my experience, Alpha will not quit until long after I am sure that I can take no more.
It seems that before then, his experience remains incomplete. And to get what he needs, he has to take me beyond what I need.

Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. And the fear gets me off. Then getting off feeds the pain. And my pain gets him off.

The fantasy sadist will give you what you want, and just as much as you think you need.
The reality of a sadist is that he will take what he wants until he has gotten what he needs.

He Loves My Pain and I Love Him

I know, my house has no children and this blog is probably the last place I should be right now. But I have had some issues with words. And Alpha told me to go write a post. Because he wants some comprehensible thoughts out of me.

I have said before how Alpha repressed his sadistic tendencies for years and ttwd has given him the opportunity to let it out. I have also said that control figures into our dynamic much more than pain. And it does.

Until last night I didn't realize just quite how much he still kept his sadism on a leash.
He loves me. And he loves my pain.
Mostly he loves to hear my pain. I can see it in his eyes when I scream.

He has never caused me so much pain before. And I just knew I was going break. At some point I had this distant thought about my nonexistent safe word--that if I had it, I would finally use it. Thinking is so weird at that point--it's like the thoughts come from outside my mind and can't make it to my mouth because they aren't really mine and I can't form words.

As I was having my non-thought, Alpha stopped. He gently held my face in his hands for a few moments and asked if I wanted him to stop.

And I did. Dear Gods above did I want it to stop.

But at the same time...I didn't.

So I said nothing. And he continued.

There was a part of me that was terrified. Yet through the fear I trusted him more absolutely than ever before. And it was a beautiful feeling. I know that might not make sense, but that's okay. Because I have no other words for this. These words actually fit perfect. For once. Yay, I can use my words! lol.

He continued until he was finished.
Then more until I was done. A puddle of screaming incomprehensible flying submissive goo.

He asked me if I enjoyed myself.
I couldn't form words. And I think he had a moment where he wondered if maybe he had pushed me a bit to far.
He asked if I was okay and told me he was sorry he pushed me that far.
But I didn't want him to be sorry and I couldn't form the words to tell him so.

The thing is, if he hadn't enjoyed it so much, it would have been absolutely awful.

But the look in his eyes changed everything.

I wasn't sorry. I was flying on pain and the look in his eyes.

We were walking on the edge of my line, reaching out into the darkness. And somewhere in there through my haze of pain, he found something beautiful and incomprehensible.
Something I have yet to find words for.

But I do know that, in this moment, I love and trust him like never before.
He loves me too.

And he loves my pain.

Feeding masochism

I used to believe that I was a masochist. Now, I think that He has beaten it out of me lol.

I have noticed something interesting though, I can, to a certain extent, get off on pain. But, getting off on pain itself is not quite the same as getting off on Alpha enjoying my pain. At first, I think it was difficult for Him to reconcile causing me pain and liking it, with the love He has for me and His desire to see me free from suffering (though, interestingly enough, these days He only has a problem with my suffering if it is caused by someone or something else. That's sweet...I think...). And then? I liked it and I wanted more. Until He discovered He liked giving it and there was never any need to wish for more. Ahem.

I have observed several things about physical pain--add words to it and it becomes much more bearable, more like a high than anything else, and He only gets off on my enjoyment of it, which in turns increases the pleasure I get from pain. Of course, while He doesn't get off on punishing me, He does take an incredibly perverse enjoyment from putting me back in my place. Sadistic bastard.
Anyways, the concept I have floating around in my head is really about His sadism feeding my masochism and vice versa.

I can be right on the edge, where it's really to much, I'm not able to get off on it anymore and I just want an end. Then, something will indicate to me that He's getting off on my suffering (fucked up sounding shit maybe lol, but anyhow...), and it makes me fly. Something about His enjoyment of it changes everything. It makes pain malleable and fluid, something that is as much pleasure as suffering. It leads to a vulnerability and surrender that goes beyond physical sensation to a mental level that is somewhat difficult to describe.

While control figures much more into our dynamic than sadomasochism does, it's still a fairly integral part of our play. To the extent that it's always there in some aspect or another.

When I think I'm done, He feeds my masochism with His enjoyment of my pain. My masochism feeds His sadistic tendencies and it becomes one of those rare full circle events.
Which is nice because it's not the same experience if He's not truly enjoying it, and apparently, the pleasure/pain continuum leads to some very attractive reactions and sounds on my part lol.

Randomness and "being better"

 The other night we were lying in bed and I asked Alpha if there was one thing He could change about my submission, what would it be (Okay, so I'm all fuzzy at the time and I'm not thinking that I would know by now because after all, He's the one in charge right?). He said He'd have to think about it. For about five seconds I subscribed to the view that it was super sweet because there was nothing big and obvious enough to come right off the top of His head. Then it occurred to me that maybe it was because there was so many things that He couldn't pick just one. Fucker refused to clarify.
The reason I asked the question was, for one, I really am curious as to what it would be and I enjoy knowing that He is pleased with me so perhaps it would lead me be able to please Him more. For two (oh come on, there's almost always a "but" or "for two, or three, or four..." Just because it's rarely said doesn't mean it's not there), as a sub it's not easy suggesting things that You think will improve your Dominant and I had something particular on my mind. I am not good with lines (really I'm not, it's a terrible thing trying to decide where the various lines in life are and which ones should absolutely not be crossed lol). Like the line between helping Him be the best that He can (contrary to popular opinion in my family, I am not the only one who feels the need to be the best at everything they do), and attempting to top from the bottom. Which is something I try not to do anymore and He nips in the bud right off the bat. It would have been fairly easy to bring up without sounding critical if He had said something about me first lol. So as a result, I ended up saying nothing at all. Naturally, He is going to read this and if I'm not forthcoming it will probably end with me backed up against a wall feebly protesting that I really do need oxygen to survive. So I'll decrease my chances of being oxygen deprived right now (yea yea, so I do enjoy being grabbed by the throat and pushed up against the wall). It was a simple little thing. Given the overall vastness of ttwd, having a "thing" here and there isn't a big deal. The "improvement" I kept to myself? Consistency. Fairly simple...right?

I spend a fair amount of time bitching about how sadistic Alpha is. And He really can be. But in the end, that's not really what gets Him off the most. What He loves, what He thrives on, what turns Him on the most, is control. I was thinking about it because the other night after an activity which involved me being in pain, He rolled over, and with deep seriousness and sincerity, stated "I don't enjoy hurting you little one." Uhhhh, you just whipped me with a belt, and now you "don't enjoy" causing me pain?! He chuckled. and replied "I like seeing you get off on it. It gets me off." I countered with the fact that, just because my body tells it's own damn story without my consent, it's almost always a bit too much (okay, in all fairness I guess that's part of the appeal). I continued by saying that there's plenty of times I'm not enjoying the pain but He likes giving it just fine. He of course had to make things logical and pointed out that those times are generally when I am in trouble and He finds it quite satisfactory to give me what I have earned. Sigh. I'm the one who told Him it was okay to let the sadist out of His box. And now I'm doubting my masochistic tendencies on a regular basis.

I read all these nice clear accounts of subs experiences with their Dominants. I'm fuzzy as fuck after those times. Everything gets hazy, words said flow out of my mind, physical actions fade together, time becomes irrelevant, and my recall is generally total shit so they rarely transfer neatly to my bloglol.

Indulging the darkness within

When I tell Alpha how twisted He is, He likes to point out exactly how twisted I am. So maybe He has a point there lol. But still, there is some kind of strange comfort in knowing that He's just a little more twisted than me. Why exactly? I'm not sure. When we first began our journey into D/s I was really afraid Alpha was going to find out that I was more kinky than Him. Turns out, I'm not. He just spent a lot of time keeping the beast in it's cage. Eventually someone had to open the door. When He did He told me that, while He didn't mind hurting me (go figure), He was afraid of damaging me and never wanted to be responsible for breaking me. Fair enough, I'm not complaining. But was it really necessary to let me spend all that time obsessing about being too twisted? I guess for someone who likes to watch me squirm as much as Alpha does, it was.

So we have been indulging the darkness within. Alpha plowed through the doors of my mind and explored the sick shit inside. He let the twisted sadist in Himself out to play. That was a while ago but I still remember my moment of panic "omg, what have I done. I can't handle Him!" And I guess I still can't handle Him. But in the end, I'm not supposed to be able to "handle" Him. If I could, what would be the point? There is a beauty to letting go and watching the beast torment my body and ravage my mind. I love that Alpha is just a little more twisted, always one step further when I peer into the shadows of possibility.

Darkness gets a bad rap. We can't see through it so we don't always know what's inside. But some of us decide to do a little more than just take a peek. We travel into the darkness and explore its realms of limitless possibility. It's to easy to think that BDSM is a physical experience. Yes, there's no denying that it is a physical experience when you're covered in piss, tied to the bed, and begging for the pain to stop. But the mental aspects, what Alpha does to my mind...Those are the things I find truly incredible. What can be done with words and thoughts alone is truly amazing. That He can hold me enthralled and entranced, simply with a word or a look...It's like this magnetic attraction sucking me in.
When something shifts in his eyes and the beast comes out to play with my mind and maybe will decide to prey on my body...When He indulges the darkness within and I know that I am completely and irreversibly owned...That's when I know that surfing the abyss is worth the risk.

101

i didn't realize until i logged in this morning, that my last post was number 100. Thus, the completely generic title of this one lol. i have been thinking about why i blog. Why not use pen and paper? Well, for one thing, i'm not artistic so it wouldn't look cool like the blog does. For another, my kids aren't yanking pieces of paper out of my hands while i write. But really i think it mostly comes down to the fact that it's an easy venue for me to be honest. i can tell M things through the blog that i am to chicken to admit in conversation. It's a public forum which puts my inner thoughts and fantasies where anyone can see them and sometimes i'm a little bit curious about what people think. Also, it's kind of liberating to admit things to the world that i have a hard time accepting in myself. It's a way of hiding in plain site that i rather enjoy.

M bought me tires yesterday. He was grumbling about taking me to work because our tires were shit and i was afraid i wouldn't make it back up our driveway in the snow. But He decided to drive me and buy tires. So, tires are far from sexy, but i could feel myself drooling over them like new toys. A combination of omg, i'm not afraid to drive anymore, and it's really hot to have a Dominant who loves me enough to drive me in the snow and put tires on my car. Yea i know, it's kind of strange what a person can find sexy.
i have been feeling somewhat resentful about submission lately. Mostly because i'm always tired and it brings out my lazy side leading to statements like, "do you know what time it is?! i don't want to suck your dick, i need sleep!" Yea, i used to think i was a masochist, but the more sadistic He becomes, the more i think that i really do not like pain lol. It's odd though, when He's causing me pain and talking me through it, i can handle a lot more than if He's just silently abusing me (yea yea, don't get your panties in a twist, i know the difference between real abuse and a sadist making Himself happy).
He likes to make me do things that i find unpleasant just to see that i'm willing to do them because He wants me to.Not sure exactly how i feel about that lol.

Damn sandbox...

"When are you going to learn little one, that there's times to talk back, in fact, there's times when i expect it, and there's times when you do not talk back, you just do as you are told. Your only reply is 'yes Master'." Ouchhhh. i'm a slow learner.
The edge is a very fine line. It's like balancing on a string and not falling off. Honestly, i don't know how He walks that line but it impresses the shit out of me and i'm very greatful for the balance He keeps us in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He walked up behind me and grabbed my hair. Pulling my head back, He whispered in my ear "I'm going to fuck you, and while I'm doing it, I'm going to be thinking about fucking another woman." i sputtered and pointed out the rudeness of it all. He laughed, "and you're going to be thinking about it too." Wtf...As He slid into me He made sure we were thinking the same fantasy..."We are going to go see her, have some food and coffee, then drive to a remote place. On the way, I'll get her hot and bothered while you squirm. When I stop the car I'm going to tie you to the front bumper, squatting with your hands tied above your head. I'm going to grab her by the throat and push her to her knees. Inches from your face, I'm going to slide my cock down her throat. When she does a good job, i'm going to pull out of her mouth and explode in yours."
"Now, next time you talk to her, you are going to tell her all of this. And then, you are going to ask her what she thinks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadistic bastard.

Dreams, space, and sadists

i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.

Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.

Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...

Rules of the "game"

The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.

The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.

M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.

Want versus need and what dreams will be

I think that one of the biggest differences between a D/s marriage and a vanilla one, is that husbands generally strive to give their wives what they want. A Dominant provides His wife what she needs. The two things are not always one and the same. Sure, I want to be cuddled and held, in this point of my life, I even need it just to maintain stability. But I also need to be a toy in the sadists playground. While there quite often comes a time where I find myself thinking, "holy fucking shit, enough, make it stopppp!" it seems like it isn't until after that point has been traveled far past, that I reach the state of mind I need. A place where there is no more thought, no more want, no more individual. Just being. M still has difficulty with his likes sometimes. I guess it's difficult to reconcile loving someone with the fact that you can get tremendous pleasure from inflicting pain on that same person. Anyways, I got off my mental track about what a person needs is not always what they want. Before my father died, he told M we had seven days of grieving, after which we needed to let him go so that his soul could continue its journey. I don't think this was meant as a cut-off point for sadness, simply a time frame in which we were allowed to actively hang on to his being, an easing into life without him (feels more like a 100 mile an hour train wreck, but anhyow...). We had decided that at the end of the seven days we would have a celebration in his honor. He always said "when I die, burn it down and have a big party." So that was the plan. On day two, my mom freaked out. She said she felt rushed and didn't want to go through with the event. This was really hard for M and I. On one hand, we had the directive of taking care of her and doing what makes mom happy. On the other hand, maybe making her happy wasn't as important as doing what we felt needed to be done. Poor M. He took her to the side to talk and she got really put out with Him. While they were talking I could see her hand on her hip and M's shoulder bow that said He was trying to explain Himself in a very non-Dominant way and do the right thing. I thought to myself, "what are we supposed to do dad, we're supposed to do what makes mom happy, but is that taking care of her in the right way?" I heard/sensed a reply (one I was quite grateful for, even though it took the added reinforcement of talking to our boys godmother to clear up whether we were doing what was needed or just hearing what we wanted). "What mom wants isn't always what mom needs." It's a true fact of being human that we rarely acknowledge. I didn't want to experience the pain of childbirth, but I needed it to show me how strong I am. We didn't want our move to fall through, but we needed it to so our family could be together during this time. I didn't want my dad to die, in fact, I really fucking want him back, but I think maybe I needed this experience in my life to help me become the person I was meant to be. Being a submissive gives me more of a relationship with M and life where I get what I need, not what I want (don't get me wrong, getting what you want can be pretty damn great, but it can be very different from what you need).

Okay, my philosophical musings are depleted now lol.
M's sister called me at 8 AM this morning to tell me she wanted M to go see a Dr. She had a dream that he had died and as a result of his passing, I died too leaving my mother with our boys. Quite often, I think dreams are random ramblings of the subconscious mind. Our hopes and fears, the best and worst of ourselves and our realities come out to play in the night. Dreams are not always that simple though, it's learning to draw the distinction that makes things complicated. Three months before my father died I had a dream that he was, for lack of a better word, grey. There was no color of life around him. I woke up and told M that I didn't think my dad would live to see another Spring. Life got complicated, and I decided to ignore my dream. I didn't want it to be true, and he was no sicker than he had been throughout the year. 2 weeks before he died I saw him. He was grey, not physically, but there was no color of life surrounding him. He looked just as he had in my dream. We went home and I told M my dad was going to die and I wished I had not ignored my dream and let circumstances and disagreements come between us. Sister's dream was not my own, so I can't sense the feeling of it. My father's death has been rough on her and her sister too. He filled a very important place in their lives from a very young age. It could just be her fear of losing the biggest rocks in her life--M and I. But I am not the only dreamer in our family and I have been deeply concerned with M's health lately. M payed the dream no mind and told me not to worry. Funny thing is, the thought of my own death has never really bothered me, the thought of losing M or one of our children--that's a mind crushing concept for me.
I think I need a very intense session to take me back out of my mind and clear out the cobwebs. I don't really want one though lol.

hmmm...

The sadist in M has really been showing since He quit smoking. He gets off on it more. Now, I have spent years basically begging for pain in some form or fashion, but I get those "holy shit!?!" moments sometimes now. Still though, there is no other look quite like the look He gets in His eyes when He is allowing Himself to take me into His sadistic playground. It's amazing (words obviously fail me). I know He has held back a lot in the past because my safety and well-being is forefront in His mind. But I think He trusts in Himself more now. We were talking about TTWD the other day and He said it bothered Him sometimes that people so often refer to it as "play," because It is such a serious thing to be so responsible for some one's life that with a wrong flick of the wrist it could all be over (okay, so those weren't His exact words, but I'm taking creative licence here because it's the only way I can express what He said in so few words). Somehow that made me want Him to do whatever He wanted to me right then and there lol. I have learned a lot through our explorations. One thing I have learned is that it's important not to base your ideas of what you want on what you THINK things should be. Nothing so deep is completely definable and trying to put it in a box only limits the purity of experience. Telling M what I truly want and need then letting go of my preconceptions about how/who He/we should be, gave Him the space He needed to go where He wanted to. That made more sense in my head than it does on the page...
Dunno why I'm still sitting here typing. Actually, that's a load of bullshit, I know exactly why I'm still sitting here and denial isn't going to make me feel better. I have always been in love with M, even when I didn't know it. But for many years I kept up a wall, a thin one perhaps, but a safety net of sorts that kept me from giving all of my being completely. D/s made me realize it was there and discover Why it was there. I was afraid. I was afraid that if I ever gave myself so completely, mind, body, heart, and soul, that if I lost Him I would be completely destroyed. Sure, financially it would be an absolutely awful situation for the kids and I as I have no job skills whatsoever. M has always provided for us. But I don't care about that. The fear that bites to the core of my being and makes me want to cry is the thought of my Owner, my Master, my lover, my Husband, my world, my best friend, my life, no longer being with me.
I guess I'm panicking. M's health seems to be getting worse not better and we don't have money for Him to go see a doctor and He won't go. He's my life. I couldn't survive without Him. He makes me emotionally stable, my knight in shining armour, my shelter from the storm. He is my world and I don't ever want it to shatter.