A Question of Offering Submission and Rules?

Several people were kind enough to give me post fodder. Yay!

See? I'm not really as difficult as he likes me out to be.

Now's my chance to be like the medical office--questions will be answered in the order received.

Okay, okay...

Anonymous asked:

"How do you feel that you can offer him your submission without him having to obtain it? How does he know without enforcing rules? Are rules necessary all the times?"

In order of appearance...

For some reason, the wording of this first question is tripping me up a bit...I'm just going interpret is as how I can offer him submission without him working/asking specifically for it...?

So, I think this is about ways to show submission, and ways to be submissive without his input. To me, these are somewhat different questions.

On one hand, it is sometimes difficult to be submissive if one isn't feeling the Dominance. On the other hand, submission is a state of being and doesn't require direct orders to manifest itself.
If he's not expressing his will, I can show submission by taking a more proactive role (work in progress). I can do things and behave in a manner that are/is submissive--if it's making his plate, and un-asked for cup of tea, kneeling at his feet just because, etc.
Submission becomes part of the relationship. It just is. Regardless of his reaching for it--it is something that is always his. Even if I don't always excel at its expression...

As to how he knows without enforcing rules...Tripped up again! My brain seems to have taken a temporary (I hope) leave of absence.
How does he know that I am following the rules if he doesn't go around enforcing them, or how does he know I'm offering my submission if he isn't actively enforcing the rules?
I'll go both ways...

He knows if I'm following the rules because if he doesn't notice, I'll tattle on myself. It's really a terrible trait--I simply can't help it. Comes back to the whole "Transparency" thing I guess.
I don't think that submission is a product of rules--rules exist to refine submission to the Dominant's desires. He knows that I am being submissive through our interactions, my state of mind, the way I am and the things that I do.

Are rules necessary all the time? Well...While people usually put a lot of emphasis on rules, D/s can exist without them.
Are my rules always in existence? Yes. He prefers to call them "Expectations", but I think that, for all intents and purposes, the definition for us is the same. Am I always expected to live up to those expectations? Yes. Do I always pull it off? No.
That is not to say that there are never any exceptions for circumstances, but those circumstances had damn well better be valid!

To See One As Being Better Than the Other

I think that I finally managed to perfect the nonsensical title.

Here's where I'm going--the concept of M/s being "better" than D/s, or D/s being "better" than M/s.

Did I miss the memo where this was all one big competition? Seriously, people seem to think you're either too far in, or not far enough. Who appoints these ttwd police?

Personally, I prefer the deep end. All in and one step from drowning. It's who I am and how I'm made. I want to go as far as I possibly can, hand over everything that I am until there's nothing left and the nothing itself completes me. I need to be consumed in the fires of his needs, no way out, only further in. I'm an experience junky, a slut for everything I enjoy, a whore to everything that makes me feel truly alive. It's who I am and how I have always been. Right or wrong, that is the window through which I view ttwd.

We have been together for a long time. Sixteen years. About half of those years were before D/s. I don't need negotiation, I don't need my own terms, I don't need to consent anymore. Because I am, we are, it is the way it is.
Physically, yes, I might capable of walking away. But it was truth when he said that I'd always be his. Even if we parted ways, there would be part of me that would always belong to him, no matter what. There is nothing he would do that could change that. No matter what choices he makes, I will never walk away. I feel that I long ago ceased being able to do so.

That's me. My life. Who we are. And I'm okay with it.

There's not a damn thing wrong with playing in the shallows. In fact, sometimes that is the healthiest place for one to be.

I think that sometimes our own insecurities provoke us to pass judgement on those who's relationships differ from our own--the submissive criticizes the slave because they wonder if their own  submission is enough, the slave criticizes the sub because she wonders if her personal submission is too much.

I have very strong opinions which are sometimes misinterpreted. Ttwd is not a game for us, it's our life. I think that, for many, it is a game. And I truly do believe that's okay, but if you don't want it to be a game, if you want to go deeper, there are certain things and patterns that you have to outgrow, change, and accept. You cannot have it both ways.
That's not me saying that full-time submission is better than part-time. It is simply the truth as I see it to be. I have no interest or even thoughts, really, for D/s that is a game--that is not within the scope of my experience. Nor do I have any desire for it to be so.

I have been trying to walk a middle line with this, because I really do hate seeing anyone express that slave or sub is "Better". I hate to sound trite, but ultimately, it's like comparing apples and oranges--they're both friggin fruit, but they are most definitely not the same thing. They're both good, but one is really only better insofar as the way that you personally feel about eating it. And there's no one "twue" fruit.

I've been blogging for about four years, most of which I identified as a submissive. That has changed. And so, I have noticed, has the way that some people approach their comments. It has also changed my perspective about the comments and posts that I have read elsewhere.

If you are going to criticize someone as being too far in, as not looking out for themselves enough, for abandoning what you believe reality to be, for living in the deep end and sharing their views, perhaps it would be good to check your own insecurities before passing judgement.
If I am advocating for too much and you are afraid that you aren't giving enough, it is not a reflection on me if you feel that I think I am better. It is simply your interpretation of my thoughts.
I live in my mind, and as the saying goes, "I am both better and worse than you can possibly imagine". I know that I am not better than you simply because I live my life as a slave. Nor am I any worse.

Slave, submissive, or vanilla, we all strive to live in a way that works for us. My way is better because it's mine (well, his). Ideally, we are all happy enough with our choices to feel the same way, and intelligent enough to think about what comes out of our mouths (or fingers, as the case may be) before we allow our own insecurities to criticize others.

Nature Versus Nurture

A while back tori put forth a topic which has kind of been floating around in the recesses of my mind, and I wanted to bring it out to play.

"Can one be a born/natural submissive? is there a difference? nature versus nurture?

I do think that one can be born/natural submissive.
I do believe that there is a difference.
This may be long...

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the controversy that seems to accompany this subject, because I'm not looking for a round of Blogland drama or trying to ruffle up anyone's feelings. These are my opinions, and I don't expect that everyone, or indeed perhaps anyone, will agree with them. 

There seems to be some misconception among some of those who subscribe to the theory of the "natural" submissive--that they are somehow better, that ttwd comes easier, that they are "more submissive than thou". This attitude irritates me to no end, because frankly, I think it's a crock of shit.
In turn, there is often a criticism of those who identify as natural submissives--as if by identifying as such, they feel that they are better, that their submission is more valuable, and that they look down on those who are not. Having been on the receiving end of this attitude, I have to admit that it makes me pretty angry.
 
And just to be perfectly clear about how I feel...Anybody who can say, with a straight face, that they are better than someone else because they are a "natural submissive", deserves to be smacked upside the head. Conversely, it is often those who are products of circumstance who claim to be "natural submissives", and behave as if they are somehow better because of it.

So, there's that.

I kind of tend to take issue with the term "natural submissive" because it makes it sound like someone who never ever struggles. We all struggle at different times and in varying degrees. No matter how or why we do ttwd.

Maybe I'll stick with the terms born and circumstantial...

I think that there are big differences between the born submissive and the circumstantial submissive, yet that both will often share the same struggles. And really, I'm not sure that it isn't perfectly reasonable to say that one person could be a victim of both circumstance and birth.

I believe that those who were born this way, while not necessarily displaying submissive character traits throughout their lives, will always eventually reach a point where happiness is impossible without some form of D/s. 
It's not something one can choose to walk away from because, while it is possible to deny one's true self, you can never really just make it not be. I think that if we're born this way, submission becomes a need that surpasses our ideals of desire. The need unexpressed will eventually consume the born submissive.
It's inside always reaching for its Dominant counterpart, always searching for a way out, always whispering its need. There under the surface always. No matter what we do, who we are, how we live, or who we live with--we can hold it back, but we can never truly kill it off. While we may always have a choice, we can't choose or not choose submission because it is at the core of who we are and always will be.

We will always know that it is impossible to live, to truly live, without D/s. Because without it, we merely exist.

That's not to say that the born submissive is good at submission, that she doesn't have to learn and grow, adapt to her Dominant, or ever struggle with what it truly means to be owned. Just because something is innate, does not mean that it comes easy.


In my opinion, along the way, the circumstantial submissive learns that she is drawn to the submissive experience. Yet, she can walk away from D/s. The circumstantial submissive submits, desires, craves, and walks along just like the born submissive. Yet...She can be okay without it. Submission is part of who she is, but her identity as a human being isn't inextricably entwined in it.
Perhaps she wants and craves submission so much that she comes to need it. Submission becomes a part of her and her life. But it doesn't have to be. While it can become a part of who she is, submission is...Optional.

I do believe that one can be born submissive, and that there are rather large variances between nature and nurture. Both are, and lead to, a life experience unique to the individual.

Q & A, Round 2--Why Is It So Hard, and Why Do We Want It?

Courtesy of Q & A month...Why is submitting so flippin difficult? Thank you tori. Okay, so I took some liberties with the phrasing. Couldn't help it. I think that this also ties in with the question of if it is so often a continuous struggle, why do I/we/you want submission? Thank you, mc kitten.


I think...submission is not always difficult. Sometimes it flows so naturally and smoothly, that it makes up for all those other times when it...Doesn't.
Why is it though, that someone can want and need something soo badly, yet...

This is a question that I have asked myself on multiple occasions, so I do have a theory. Or 2. Maybe 3. Drumrolllllllllll....
I think, among other things, because it makes us be better. I know maybe that sounds kind of silly, but bear with me (there will be no baring here unless he says otherwise).

Submission makes us look at ourselves in a whole new light. Things that were once acceptable about who we are and how we do things, no longer mesh with who we become and the needs of our relationships.

Now, I personally, like to think that I have been at this long enough to move beyond the whole "This is hardddddd" motto. Here's the reason I think that it continues on longer than I feel it should, (clearly running on a touch too much coffee) because submission is not content with stagnation.
No matter what obstacles we overcome, we are, as in the rest of life (we hope) continually growing and evolving. I think that, over time, the struggle eases, yet...Growth is neither easy, nor simplistic.

Submitting is hard because when we have succeeded in one area, we know that we can be more. Always knowing that you could go one step further, one minute longer, surrender one more inch, be a tiny bit more pleasing...And sure, you can ignore that knowledge, but it will be there beneath the surface every time he looks at you, every time he touches you, every command he gives...You both know...That no matter what it is, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, there is always just a little bit more.

Submitting is hard because we have to be honest with ourselves about who we are, what we need, why we do what we do, why we believe the things we believe. Then, we are forced to take all that, and lay (lay/lie, someone please clear up this direct object shit rule for me) it all at another human's feet for them to do with as they will.
We can't hide the things about ourselves that we don't like, the things that scare us, the darkness in our souls. We have to admit that the darkness makes us whole, and we are forced to accept that we yearn to feed the beast that hides inside someone else's soul.

Here, I think, is where the two questions combine, and "Why do I/you/we want submission" meets "Why is submitting so hard?".
Submitting is hard because it's not about what we want. Seriously, when it comes right down to it, I feel that submission has fuck-all to do with what I want. It is about need. There is no obligation for my wants to be met in this relationship.
Now, don't get me wrong--this is a life that we share. He says that what looks best on me is happiness, and often, he does things just because they make me happy. There is nothing wrong with that, and it in no way runs contrary to the concept of D/s. However, as usual, I am getting terribly distracted.

Maybe we want submission, no matter how flippin hard it is, because we need it to be happy. And who doesn't want to be happy?
I think that there is a distinction here, between living D/s or M/s, and playing with it. If submission is an activity, then we don't go very far beyond where things become truly difficult because we don't actually need it. If submission is life, we want it no matter how hard it is, because not to would be denying who we are at the core of our beings, and we know that we need it.
Submission is easy when it's about what the submissive wants. Submission becomes difficult when we realize and accept that it is about what the Dominant wants, when he wants, how he wants, and sometimes, why he wants.

Submitting is not easy because we put ourselves in a position where another human being's opinion matters more than our own, and they see us. I mean, really see. And that seeing makes us painfully aware of our flaws. Often, they are more accepting of us than we are of ourselves. Still though, we know that we can always reach just a tiny bit further.

So there's my rambling thought process on why submitting is hard, and why we want it anyways. I make no claims as to whether or not I actually answered either question...

I think that next post I'll respond about his sharing his thought processes, and his having gone mad with power.
Speaking of going mad, I batted my eyelashes and Alpha said that he'd be willing to answer questions as long as I do all the work--like writing it out, hitting publish, and you know, all the work. So...?

Submission as a Gift

I got such a great series of ideas in the comments on my last post, I now think that I have inspiration enough to pull me through for a while.
*Kicks at the quiet muse. So there!

Anyways...A heartfelt thanks to tori for this one:
"Is submission a gift? If yes, why? If no, why?" I have to say...I love this one.

This is one of those rare concepts which I miraculously never struggled with, or changed my mind about. I believe, unequivocally, that submission is not a gift. And if it is, it shouldn't be.
I know, I know--that last sentence didn't make sense, but if you have lots of coffee and make it to the end of this post without kicking your computer, I might clarify the issue. Maybe.

Alpha, by the way, disagrees with me on this particular subject, but that's okay--somehow we manage to reconcile such grave differences. Probably because I'm right, and he's in charge. But I digress.

On to the question at hand!

Submission is not a gift.

To see submission as a gift would be...Selfish of me. And not in the, "It's good to know what you want" kind of way.
Submission fills a need within me. It is part of who I am, an expression of myself, and an integral part of our relationship. Submitting to him completes me, without it I am...A shell of who I could be. Perhaps...

So then, how could submission be a gift...? For me, to see submission as a gift, would be contrary to the concept of D/s on my side of the slash. As a slave, it strikes me as extremely egotistical to adopt the view that submission is a gift.
Maybe if it was not something we lived...Perhaps then I could see it as a gift. Even then though...I dunno.

To say that my life with him was a gift to him would be ludicrous, to tell him that my unwilling descent into whatever twisted thing he wants in the moment is a gift, would be an outright lie.
To say that submission is a gift, would be like saying, "I married you. You're welcome!"

Seriously...When we love someone, while me may see love itself as a gift, a blessing if you will, we do not see our love as a gift to that person. And submission, while distinctly different from love, is quite comparable in that the depth and scope of the experience can be quite consuming and intense to everyone involved.
It is an experience. A state of being wherein we exist and connect with another person.

Gifts are given willingly--I am not always willing.
A gift is something given out of the kindness of your heart. It exists within the idea of coming from the goodness of your heart purely in order to benefit another person.
A gift lives on the surface of things. There is no soul inherent within a gift, no matter how lovely it is.
The notion of a gift also implies something that is without any payment given in return.
That is not the submission I know.
There is much that I get in return for my submission. From the feelings inside myself, to the validation from him. Experiences which, incidentally, often combine so as to be indistinguishable in my mind.
Submission is raw
an expression of self that one cannot keep to themselves
sometimes submission is angry, unwilling, resentful
sometimes it's beautiful, glorious, fulfilling, and transcendent.
Submission is an expression of who one is as a human being, and how we interact with the balance of power within our relationships.

Personally, I feel that it would be ridiculous for me, as a slave, to adopt the view that my submission is a gift to him. To view it like that challenges my belief in the foundation of power exchange.
Ego is an expression of self. It is a firmly held view and expression of self as one defines themselves to be. And sometimes that gets in the way of submission because it is about our ideas of ourselves. Ego does not crawl, does not beg, does not allow the perspectives of another human being to define who and what it is. Submission requires setting ego far enough aside that someone else can walk inside your mind.

Since you made it this far, I feel like I should do what I promised in the beginning and explain why I feel that submission should not be a gift. The reason I think that I, as a slave, shouldn't view submission as a gift, is that I find it to be quite egotistical to see oneself as a gift. Having a good sense of self-esteem is not the same as being self-inflated.

For me to say that submission is a gift, would be an oversimplification of the human process and imply a level of self centered behavior that just does not mesh well with my ideas of submission.

I think that it's fair to take a moment and address the mention of Alpha's disagreement with my somewhat heated feelings about this particular subject.
He doesn't take issue with my views, and I don't have a problem with his belief that submission is a gift. Indeed, perhaps he is a better Dominant for that belief. I don't know.
I suppose that, ultimately, my disagreement lies within the concept of me thinking of myself as a gift. That, I think, creates barriers to truly exploring the depths of submission to their full potential.

Home Alone

I smarted off, which in retrospect, wasn't actually that smart. That is how I ended up face down on the floor, with my ass in the air, waiting...It always seems like forever when one has been told to wait in a particular position. Yet, somehow, the act of waiting itself turns into an act of submission.

In all fairness, I was probably destined to end up that way at some point during the day. It is an inevitable turn of events when we have the house to ourselves. However, events to follow have not been as predictable.

I did not foresee making breakfast while chained to the stove
or spending the day in cuffs, heels, and clamps...

I would not have guessed that he would instruct me do put on eye makeup, heavy on the black, or that he would send me out to the car naked in a foot of snow to retrieve said makeup, pigtails flying in my desperate attempt to make it back to warmth.

I was a tad shocked when the camera made an appearance. He moved me this way and that, making the offhand comment that perhaps one or two of the photos would make their way onto the blog.
Say...uh, what...?

He says that sex and chains look good on me. Who am I to disagree. Gods know, they feel good. And the day is not yet done...

Roses and Thorns

He brought me roses the other night. I know that some people think roses are cliche, but I absolutely love them.
I had had a crappy day, and it's been a long time since he brought me flowers out of the blue like that, so I was happily surprised.

Then the kids were horrid and took forever to go to sleep.
And I got sucked into some stupid show on TV while Alpha passed out under a blanket.
Then we had a fight.
The kind of fight that would have, once upon a time, been a screaming match. Instead I opted to stay in bed, cry, and remind myself that I am somewhat asthmatic.

It was fucking awesome.
I think I might have just crossed my own sarcasm threshold...

You see, over the course of our 15 years, there has been a reoccurring fight about sex. I can live without it. He feels differently.
When I can't have it, I'm on.
When I can have it, I'm not interested.
He's always interested. Until he's too tired to "work for it". Because even though he can, he doesn't want to always have to take what he wants. He wants it given.

Throw submission into the mix, and there become so many wonderful ways to fail, it's not even funny.

I know that I'm a lot of work. I thought it was progress given that once upon a time, not even work got me where I should be.
But it's all work for him
sex
submission
me.
And I know that's not his fault.

Sometimes I find irony in the fact that people ask me for advice about submission. Seriously, I'm sure you could do much better. Because the man who judges mine, seems to think it falls quite short.
He's says that I submit on my time, on my schedule, when I want to.
He says that he shouldn't have to work for it all the time.

Then he gave me a lesson in submission and wanting. I'm still surprised he let me orgasm. Perhaps it was a part of making up...

He gave me a lot to think about. Most thoughts being of a nature which I am not entirely happy with.
Because I try ridiculously hard
and no one wants to fail something they try
over
and over
and over
to live.
Something they feel in their bones
to the depths of their soul.
Something they need with all their being
and screw up
over
and over
again.

It seems that suggestions should be responded to as if they were orders. And perhaps it's pretty obvious right, that a Dom will make requests for what he wants, and said requests should be responded to accordingly...But it's easier to obey an order. Therein lies the issue--my repeatedly choosing to treat honoring his requests as optional.

As to the other...
Sex and submission are intertwined in my life. I can experience submission without sex, but not sex without submission. For him, sex is me submitting.
I have a love/hate relationship with sex. I never know for sure when it will be good, or when it will result in excruciating pain.
My sex drive is not, nor has it ever been, an adequate match for his. This has been a consistent source of insecurity for me throughout the years...

I think that, for once, I may be all rambled out.

The Evolution of Issues

I have started to wonder if what I have seen as a lack of inspiration, is actually just a shift in my perception about submission.
I have always had an internal struggle with being submissive, becoming slave, seeing myself as property.
Somewhere inside, I have always had this little voice which suggested that the things I crave and the feelings I have are somehow wrong.
That little voice has been remarkably silent lately.

It has taken well over half a decade of exploring ttwd, but I'm okay with what I am, I'm okay with what I like. I accept that Alpha makes the judgement calls about what is okay and what is not.
Everything I need and crave is alright. Because he hasn't said that it's not.

We are beyond the point where I have a closet full of dirty little secrets and even dirtier fantasies. Oh, I still have the fantasies, but he has sifted through them all, and when he thinks there might be a new one, he doesn't hesitate to shine a painfully bright light on it.

There's something extremely freeing about letting go of the need to make those judgement calls about what desires are okay and which ones are not.
Gone is the constant internal conflict of right versus wrong, because I don't have to make that decision, I don't have to decide which fantasies will become reality, or which ones are too twisted to see the light of day.

I don't have to figure out if my slavery is okay, because that's not my job.

Anyways, I think that those internal struggles about submission being okay or not, fantasies being okay or not, slavery being okay or not, are things that make for great writing fodder.

Am I seriously complaining about a lack of angst? Not really, I'm just acknowledging the fact that over the years, many posts have been inspired by that angst.

Maybe it's proof that all this complaining writing really is beneficial when it comes to working through issues.
What does all this mean, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Besides that this general topic has been a huge struggle for me for a very long time.

I suppose that I shouldn't be concerned about a lack of inspiration lol, my cup overunneth with issues. It is nice to get to move onto new ones every now and then though.
Though I have been known to have the occasional relapse around varying issues...

Perspective

I often think that we are pretty tame--in the lighter end of the spectrum of ttwd perhaps.
I sometimes complain about his expectations, and put on a front that he asks too much, but really? I think he's pretty easy going and not all that strict.

It's kind of like that beautiful long drive to town--I don't really like it. I see the road, and the tourists. I know every turn, and where the elk are most likely to be. I can close my eyes and drive it in my sleep because I have seen it a million times.
But if I step back and look at it with fresh eyes, pretending that it is a previously unseen view? It's stunning, and I can see why people stop to gawk, and come from far away places to see that which I have grown to take for granted.

Our relationship is a bit like that.
I walk around feeling like we are just a couple steps from vanilla, then I take a look at a "Normal" vanilla relationship, and wonder if we are even on the same planet.

There are very few decisions that I make on my own, and even when I do, it's when he has told me to (just call me Miss Independent).
My hair is how he likes it
my clothes are what he approves of
the food I cook is what he wants (never mind the rice. Damn the rice)
I maintain my body in a manner that pleases him
I think of that body in terms of it being his far more than I see it as mine
as easy going as he seems on the surface, he's actually quite strict--but that is our "normal"
I don't question the plugs, the golden showers, the enemas, the restraint, the slaps
I accept that his are the only limits I have
I accept that he decides if anyone else touches me, and he is free to explore with other women if he so chooses
the list could go on and on...
In fact, having spent my entire adult life with him (beginning several years before I technically hit that landmark), I don't know any other way to be besides his.

I think that it's easy to fall into the thought that D/s and M/s are the same as kinky fun.
Really, there's only so much kinky shit two people can do with kids in the home 24/7.
And that's where I fall into comfortably thinking that we live in the shallow end of possibility. The thing is...Ttwd is not always defined by actions alone. It can be a mindset and an approach to life with another human being.

If slavery means picking up the dirty laundry next to the basket, or being whipped to tears
if slavery means making decisions I don't want to, and accepting responsibility for things I don't want to be responsible for, all the while accepting his word as final in all things
if slavery means baring my soul and giving him access to every private thought
if I accept that my slavery is whatever he says it is
then I am well and truly further down the rabbit hole than I every thought to go.

I couldn't pick out the exact moment when the shift was made
I couldn't tell you when
or how
I stopped being his submissive
and became his slave.

But I do know that I accept ttwd to be whatever he says it is. And that itself is my slavery.

An Art Form. Again?

I swear that there's a post very similar to this floating around here already...Hopefully my thoughts have evolved somewhat. I'm not digging around in the cobwebs to find out though.

Purpose...
I have moments when I feel singularly unaccomplished.
Other times, not so much.

I don't want to just be his.
I want to be really, really, really, good at it.

I can hear eyes rolling.

Seriously though, it's like owning well-made things, or cheap plastic crap. One high quality item is better than ten poorly made items that are going to break with a little bit of use.

No one wants to be cheap plastic crap lol.

Say that slavery was a state of being, and submission was an art form that expressed said state of being (yes, I'm making this up as I go).
Hold that thought (or throw your hands up and walk away in frustration, whatever works).

There are many art forms in the world, and so many possible examples to choose from--dance, yoga, martial arts, etc.
I'm gonna go with yoga though, because it's something that I do regularly.
At first it's terribly uncomfortable. The movements feel awkward, the positions seem unnatural, and overall, it's just not incredibly enjoyable. However, over time, the way we experience it changes--we flow smoothly from one position to another, the positions feel natural, and we are truly able to experience it as an art form; not just something uncomfortable that we push through in order to reach a certain goal.

When we become an expression of the experience itself, as opposed to experiencing the activity only for what it can do for us, we have reached the point where the experience can become an art form.

In the beginning, submission felt unnatural--something forced in order to achieve a goal, a reward oriented experience where the submission was more about the goal of whatever perceived award it would incur, than about submission itself.
As time goes by, and my state of mind changes, I see submission as an art form where the goal is to please, and the reward is the knowledge that I have pleased in a way that cannot be exactly duplicated by anyone else.

At first submission is uncomfortable, like a coat that doesn't quite fit, or pants that are slightly too tight.
That changes over time. But that's because, in the context of D/s, it's a verb, not a noun--in other words, submission is an action, not an inanimate object. And the more you submit, the more naturally it flows.
I am occasionally submissive
I am his slave.
Submission is not who I am, it is simply an art form that expresses our power exchange from my side of the arrangement.
An art form that is admittedly quite inelegantly performed at at times...

Evolution, Limits, and Butterflies

In the context of a committed relationship especially, all limits are those of the Dominant. It took me years to adapt to that perspective, but it has really simplified a lot of things for me.

I think it's natural to want to have, what we perceive as our limits, pushed. We want to expand, evolve, experience new and previously unreached heights, go further down the rabbit hole.
Because really,

And it's beautiful isn't it, that feeling of nerves when your stomach turns into butterflies, and all you know about what's coming next is that it isn't up to you.
Oh hell, it's not just beautiful, it's glorious and amazing--kind of like jumping off a cliff and not being crushed by the landing. Even if just for a moment, you can fly.

Sometimes we want them to push "Our" limits. And it doesn't happen. And sometimes I we pout. The thing is, they aren't our limits to push. So it's one of those things that's not actually up to us.

Our comfort zone however, why can't we push that? There's really no reason, unless our Dominant objects. Except that we like our comfort zone, so we want to stay there in our cozy little place, where everything is as we want it to be, where the pillows are soft, and the weather is temperate.

But do we really expand and grow there?I don't think so. It's kind of like living a completely sedentary life--you gotta get up and do something, or things will eventually begin to atrophy.

Where am I going with this? Dunno really, except that the strip club idea was, besides being something that  Alpha might really enjoy, a way of pushing my comfort zone, while showing him that I am striving and growing as a submissive. Or, in all honesty, not growing as much as I like to think. I do have a notoriously jealous constitution...

The thing is, I have been feeling...Different. Like something finally clicked. Yes, seven (?) years in. Slow learner here.
Still though, I have found that there is joy in being a good girl, not for reward, but for the knowledge of having pleased; that there is incomparable pleasure in surrender, because it is an ultimate goal of submission; that submission is defined by Dominance, and is not about what I think it should be, but about what he desires; and that to know that one has pleased can be its own reward.

Not really sure this post makes a whole lot of sense...I was seriously distracted by the vote chess game--the world against world chess champion Anand. I am suspicious whenever the world agrees with me. I rather think we are losing...

Basic Principles

Been thinking again, so I got another ADD post here. I think....

From my observations, to one extent or another, submissives all experience that need to be conquered. You know, the whole "Throw me on the floor, pull my hair, grab me by the throat, put me in my place" feeling.

It can be way too much of a good thing though, that desire for him to "make" us do what he wants.

Don't get me wrong, for me, being made to do things can be a bit like receiving affection--I love it. It has it's place.

The thing is, one simply cannot sustain a power exchange relationship based constantly upon that mode of interaction.
If you want him to tell you what to do, then you have to do as you are told. Yep, simple and often overlooked truth there.

I see a lot of subs digging in and fighting against what they want--they want to do what he tells them, but they also want him to make them do it. I'll raise my hand as guilty of that one. Very guilty in fact.

I propose a blasphemous truth--this whole D/s thing works a lot better if you just do as you are told. Sure it's hot to be made to do things, sure he should have the follow through to see that you do them, and yes we all have that desire to be conquered; however, this whole concept rests on the premise that you want and need to submit.
You cannot tell a man you want him to Dominate you, and then proceed to dispute his decisions and make him fight for your obedience every step of the way. Well, you can, but it's not sustainable.

Being a submissive is very much about needing to submit. If you don't want and/or need to do it? Then don't.

As difficult as it can be, and as complicated as we can make it, I think the basic principles of D/s, from a submissive standpoint, are quite simple:

If you want him to lead, follow.
If you want him to Dominate, submit.
If you want him to feed your needs, tell him what they are. And feed his.
If you want him to command, obey.
If you want him to take it seriously, don't try to play games.
If you want him to be in control, don't attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want.
If you want him to be be pleased, be pleasing.
And for goodness sake, if you want him to get into your head? Be truthful.
Here's the thing, he will never ever get inside your head like you want, if you can't give him pure honesty.
In any relationship, little "White" lies are like blocks--they build up slowly up each one at a time until walls are created. Bigger lies are like bigger blocks, creating stronger walls at a faster pace.
Having a power exchange relationship is about taking those walls down, and not adding more blocks to them.

I honestly believe that if you do not give him your truth, you cannot give him your trust. And if he doesn't have your trust, he will never be able to Dominate you beyond the superficial.

Anyone who has read here for any amount of time is aware that personal experience has taught me it's not nearly this cut and dry as "Just obey" all of the time. Because, well, being human is...Complicated. We have feelings, emotions, thoughts, physical complications, children, jobs, etc.

Still though...Despite all of those things, the basic principles remain.

On Reward and Validation

We humans tend to be quite reward oriented, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.
It seems to me, that the problem with this attachment to reward arises when we get too caught up in expecting reward from external forces.

 I don't feel like submission should be about what I get out of it, what I get back, my rewards.
It shouldn't be about expecting something in return for simply doing as I am supposed to do.

Pleasing is not about getting rewarded, it is simply about being and behaving in a way that he find pleasing. With the knowledge of having done so as its own reward, and an internal sense of fulfillment that doesn't require praise.
Here's the thing...If one doesn't know that how they are/what they are doing is pleasing, then one can merely attempt to avoid behaviors which are not pleasing.

Still, submission and the acts inherent to its existence, need to come from an inner desire to submit, an inner desire to please, and inner drive to live your life as yourself.

I would venture to say that, in the context of a relationship, submitting merely for what one can get out of it, keeps the experience on the shallow end of possibility. It avoids the the depths to which submission is capable of taking us.
To say that Dominance and submission is all about me and what I want or need, would be to take a selfish and ultimately convoluted approach to the whole concept.

At the same time, being human has its pitfalls.

Knowing that I please him, knowing that I am special, knowing that my submission is appreciated, the feeling of being actively owned--those things give me fulfillment.
I feel like his acknowledgement of my submission validates me as a submissive.

I need to know that, after nearly 15 years, he still finds me beautiful, still finds me interesting, still enjoys me for who I am as a whole.
Because underneath it all, I am simply...A human woman, with all the quirks and inconsistencies inherent to my kind.

While I do crave the trappings of whips and chains, the demands and physical expressions that remind me of who and what we are, it is the small daily moments that inspire me.
It is having him in my head and knowing he cares, that encourages me do and be the best that I can be as a submissive.

Submission, for all its trappings of passivity, cannot succeed as a passive endeavor. Just as passive Dominance will only go so far towards inspiring submission.

Submission is important to me because submissive is a part of who I am. Knowing that it matters to him too, makes me feel like I am important to him.

I should submit out of an inner desire to do so, without a constant need for him to drag it out of me by conquering every step of the way.
Yet...
Knowing that he truly cares whether I submit or not, that the quality of my submission matters, that my submission is important to him--I need that validation. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
I think though, that is the expectation of validation that causes issues.

Ultimately, to please should be its own reward. But to be told that one has pleased...Well, that  somehow makes it easier I guess. Even if it shouldn't really matter.

It feels like my musings and struggles have become excessively monotonous and repetitive.
Maybe I just need more coffee...

Submission, Slavery, and Other Ramblings

After my whole little identity crisis a while back, I did what any codependent normal woman would do--I asked Alpha what I am.
See, I get one question after sex. Not having asked any for a while, I tried to claim that I had some banked up but he said I didn't get roll-over minutes lol.
His response was exactly what I thought it would be (with a couple of added bonuses). He said "Mine. You are a glorious amazing creature. And you are mine."

I think that submission is often about choosing to submit. Slavery is...No longer making that choice quite as often perhaps? Which, in theory, would make it a bit simpler...Though I do have every confidence in my ability to make anything complicated.
Every submissive becomes at least a little bit enslaved, every slave submits. So the lines are perhaps not extremely clear. Nor are they necessarily incredibly important except for assisting in personal definitions I suppose.

I see myself as property. I have rights--I accept the rights I am given. Not always gracefully, but I do accept them.
There are aspects of my life that he displays no interest in controlling. He governs other areas with an iron fist. And I have learned to accept that I don't choose those areas--to do so would not be submitting. That acceptance however, doesn't mean that I don't ever struggle with it (I think my last post highlights that quite blindingly lol).

I don't have my own limits (no need for the whole "what if he decides to cut off your leg?!" spiel), I have his limits. Chopping off limbs is among them, just in case anyone wanted to push the issue lol.

We often are, or become, what we see ourselves to be. Sometimes we become what others see us to be because we allow their image of us to overshadow our own.

Alpha used to tell me that I existed to be his slave. And that bothered me a lot. Because surely, there should be more meaning to my existence? But I think that I was looking at it through an excessively small window of view.
One single purpose does not negate all others.

He used to tell me that I was his slave. I would gasp and backpedal and deny it until I was blue in the face.
But that was before I realized that, for me, the foundation of D/s lies in his definitions of it. Within his definition of what I am.

If he says that I am his submissive, I am. If he says that I am his slave, I am.
Ultimately, what matters most is that, in both forms of speech, I am His. And we both know it.

Who Owns Submission?

I use the term "My submission" fairly often. But while I do tend to phrase it that way, I have learned that it's not mine. It is Alpha's.

That's a tricky switch over in thought. But I think it is very much like dictating the terms of my submission. It leads to thought forms about how I should submit, instead of simply doing it how he wants.

If submission was mine, there would probably be very few 10 PM back rubs, no headache sex, no going to the Post Office, very little stepping outside my comfort zone, you get the picture--if it was mine I would do the things that I like to do.
And what exactly would be the point in that? For us, there really wouldn't be one. It would be a game for fun, and little else.

I happen to not subscribe to the school of thought that submission is a gift. Alpha believes differently, and maybe those differing views are part of what make ttwd work for us.
Though that is a post of it's own...
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both agree that submission isn't really mine--it's his. Gift or not.

I think that entering a relationship with the opinion that submission belongs to the submissive is healthy. An important safety net of sorts perhaps.
But if we hold to tightly to that approach, then we never actually surrender. We submit, we offer lip service to exchanging power, but we don't actually do it.
If we keep submission as our own, we remain in control.

In my opinion, submission begins as a choice. It's a choice we make every day during every interaction.
For some of us, we make that choice over and over for a lifetime. For others, there comes a point where we don't make that choice anymore, or as often--it just is.
I don't believe that one is better than another, they are what they are. And hopefully, the path we walk is the one that works best in our relationship.

If submission is the path to surrender, yet we hold tightly to it as being something of our own, we make complete surrender an impossibility. And in doing so, we keep ourselves from exploring an entire world of possibility.

He owns me. Therefore, it only makes sense that he owns my submission. It's a theory that is easier stated than lived, but I do believe it to be true.

Submission as an Art Form

I while back, I read a post over on Kitty's blog, about the art of submission and other things (hi Kitty). But what got me going was the concept of submission as an art.

Ooh look...Butterflies...

I think of Dominance as an art, and Dominant as a state of being--who someone is.

So if Dominance is an art, why wouldn't submission also be an art?

Submissive is a part of who I am as a person.
Submission is a product of being submissive and fulfills a mutual need--my need to submit and his need to Dominate.

The dictionary gave me exactly what I was looking for (yes I'm looking basic stuff up again. Jellyfish taught me that it's a wise course of action).
Art is:
2. The exercise of human skill (as distinguished from nature).
5. excellence or aesthetic merit of conception or execution as exemplified by such works.
Okay, so I'm not sure I entirely understood the second definition the first time or two I read it lol.

So in theory (ahem), submission as an expression of being submissive is very much an art. 
Regardless of whether we come crawling nicely on our knees, need to be conquered along the way, or weave our way back and forth between the two on our way to surrender.

I think that it's an art that is more about dedication than skill (see, I don't look bad if I put it like that lol). We fall, get back up, and do it all over again.
Each time, we refine our rise and fall just a little bit more.

Raw talent can create incredible art (I'm very good at stick figures), but to learn an art takes time. Often, years go into developing and refining the ability to create something beautiful.

Kneeling is an art (if you think it's not, you have very good knees. I don't), learning what pleases someone is an art, giving a blowjob is an art, sometimes holding your tongue is even an art. There's a long list that takes on many forms. 

The quality and value of our art is judged, not by its viewers and level of perfection, but by the ones we submit to. And as is the case with all art, the art of submission takes many forms, yet exists to please it's owner.

Submissive Search Results

It surprises me that most of my Google hits come from the search term "submissive." Shouldn't really be a newsflash right? I mean it is in the title and all...
Maybe it surprises me because I remember being the person doing the searching, not the writing. Or maybe it's because I don't really feel like a shining example of a submissive.

Yes, that's definitely it.

So that got me to thinking, what then would a shining example look like? And why do I feel like I'm not one of them?

The truth is, I probably don't read many of the ones who look like constantly shining examples of perfect submission.
I like the stories of those who try, fall, and get up to try again. I like the stories written by submissives who are searching and questioning and always trying to discover something just a little bit deeper. And the ones with a sense of humor about it all just make me laugh. And I like that.
I like following those stories because I can identify with them. Because they expand the way I think and make me smile. Because they are real.
And ultimately, I believe that perfection is an illusion--that the closest any of us will ever get is being perfect for someone.

So why do I feel like an unreliable source of information for that particular search term? I think it's because I feel like I spend a lot of time falling flat. I don't see myself as a shining example of submission. Though for the most part, Alpha seems to think I'm alright so that's what really matters right.

Maybe I could write the "How Not to Do It Manual for Submissives" lol.

While I'm on the subject of keywords, I almost hate to say it because it might happen again, but it's too ridiculous not to share--I'll do it really quietly.
I got a hit off the search "French toast mindfuck."
It's one of those deeply disturbing things...That made me laugh.

Submission's Opposite?

This post started at the end of Preconceived Notions. But for once, I decided to make an attempt at separating two different subjects.

Sometimes I get caught up in how I should be submitting.
Does it sound slow to say that it took me until typing that sentence to fully comprehend what it means?

As Alpha's submissive, deciding how I should submit is the polar opposite of submission.

I have spent years working on not attempting to define his Dominance by my own terms. And the whole time, I was missing what was right in front of my nose--being far to busy trying to decide how I should or should not submit.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons it's easiest to submit to the things we want--because we decided that was how we were going to submit.
But then submission takes on all these forms that don't fit into any fantasies (I dunno about anyone else, but being the one to run into the store and being told to check the mail are not on my hot list). But maybe they fit his fantasies.
Because when you live something every day, it often takes on forms that didn't occur to us before they actually happen.

My idea of submission did not include hauling my butt up off the couch to make cookies at 10: at night. His does. And so I do (okay, it's usually less than gracious at that time of night, but we're all a work in progress right).

I think sometimes when we decide that we want to be Dominated, it's easy to forget what it means to submit.
And in effect, submission is about what he wants it to be. Not what I think it should be.

That's not to say we don't have needs that should be met, or that whatever the Dominants idea of submission is will work all the time. But...

Maybe it's an obvious kind of epiphany. But submitting isn't about what I think it should be. It's about what he thinks it needs to be.
Who knew? And if you did, why didn't anyone tell me before?! Okay, so maybe he might have perhaps implied it a couple of times.
It only took me about 6 years to catch on...

Submission is Not About Telling Him What To Do?!

I've been thinking again ( I know, dangerous stuff)...Anyways, these concepts are not about the Dom someone met last week or the fledgling relationship. If you need more of a disclaimer than that, you shouldn't be reading here in the first place.

Submission is not about telling him what he can and cannot call me, what he can and cannot do to me, what I will or will not do, or how far I am or am not willing to go.

You can't go walking around saying that you are owned and submit to someone, then turn around and tell him "but you can't do or say this that and the other."
You can have a relationship with someone who cares enough to not do this and that because they would damage you.

I think that in an established relationship, the submissive doesn't have defined limits outside of the Dominant's. I mean sure, I squeak loudly about my feet being hard limits and please don't touch my belly button (it drives me bonkers in a bad way), and he chuckles and says "Oh, you want your limits pushed so I should abuse your feet and stick my finger in your belly button? Okay!"

In all seriousness though, beyond the obvious and truly sick shit that we both firmly agree on, my limits are the ones he sets.

I can't tell him what names he is allowed to call me, I can't tell him what he can and cannot do to me, I can't tell him what activities we aren't going to engage in.
Well, I could. And yes, occasionally I do...But that's not really submitting is it? It's dictating my submission and defining his Dominance on my terms.

He cares about my welfare. And while the world of things to do to and with me is his oyster (I really shouldn't be using that saying, it makes no sense whatsoever to me), he doesn't do everything he could. Partly because I matter to him, and partly because there are things he just doesn't want to do.

Maybe there are things I would do that he wouldn't, but they will never happen because he doesn't want to do them. And there are things I really don't want to do but would because he said so. Though he chooses not to do them because of the repercussions for me.

He could have any kind of free-for-all he can imagine with me. But he won't. Because my well-being matters to him.
And I could tell him what is acceptable and what is not. But I won't. Because I gave him the power and I trust him to use it.

Sure I have opinions that I'm happy to share with him, and for the most part, he's happy to listen. Whether he does anything about them or not, is up to his discretion. And I accept that.

That Feeling of Being, Known as Surrender

Surrender...Not obedience, not service, not compliance...
I think that, idealy, submission leads to surrender and the two become one deeply entwined experience.

It is quite possible to submit without surrendering. But I think that keeps us in the shallow end of possibility.

Surrender is yielding oneself to the power and control of another. It is the ultimate form of letting go.

I think of submissive as a state of mind and/or a way of being. Whereas submitting is an action. Surrendering takes the two and makes them one--it becomes an action that occurs in a certain state of being.

Submission without surrender is easy. It is a place where one can still hold back parts of themselves. It's a physical state that one can enter and leave at will--one's own will.
Submission is allowing the bending of one's own will by another. It is a choice we make. Surrender is that moment where his will becomes mine.

When submission meets surrender personal will yields itself to the will of another. It is no longer a state of mind or an action we take. We enter a state of being beyond the shallow depths of possibility and float in the deep end knowing and trusting that someone else is our life jacket.

Submitting is about trusting the person you submit to. Surrender is taking that trust just a little bit further than we thought possible.
And it's kind of difficult to sit there struggling with surrender, wondering why it comes so hard when you trust someone completely--then you realize that trust isn't implicit. That there is still a touch of doubt here, some reserve there.

I think that is why it is easier to submit to physical events than it is to things like life choices--stuff that challenges how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Because one can submit without surrendering. And in some cases, that is probably the healthy route.

But there is something mind blowing about surrendering to the point where you reach for the bottom and realize you are so far out in the deep end that you can't even see it.

There's a reason that my blog header says, "Surrendering one step at a time". I clearly haven't got it down yet. But I'm working on it.