Q & A Round 3--The Difference Between Living and Being

I appreciate this question a lot because it is very applicable to my current state of affairs.
From the inspirational Kaya:
"My March Q: In your recent post you said "We never really stopped being it, but somewhere along the way, we did stop living it." which is a similar thought I've had, the difference between being it and living it. So my question for you for March is exactly that. What do you feel is the difference? What do you need to make it a life you're living, rather than just a state of being?".

What do I feel is the difference between living M/s and being it...This sounds like such a simple question on the surface, especially given that it references something I wrote fairly recently...It's not so simple when I start to think about it. I mean, really think about it.

There are lots of differences. Some are so subtle as to barely be noticeable. Others are more glaring, obvious, unavoidable.
The subtleties are in how I feel, the minute differences in our responses to each other.
Being, I say something, he looks at me, and I cringe. Living, I don't say it. Or, I am acutely aware that there will be consequences for the words which come out of my mouth. Being, we both know I did something wrong--living it there are consequences. Always.
Being, there is a yearning, an itch, a wistful feeling at a D/s scene or interaction...Living, there is a visceral reaction, a twinge, a flinch of expectation knowing that something intense is coming...
Being sex is just sex. I man, I'll never be in charge, but it's still just sex. Living sex is...exciting and humiliating, and so much more. It's flying without wings and jumping off the edge held only by a tenuous chain. 

Being I know I'll lose the argument. Living there is no argument.

What do I need to make it a life I'm living, rather than just a state of being...This one is more difficult, because it asks for solutions, and I'm a problems kind of girl.

I think it has a lot to do with where we place importance in life. For me, the importance has never been work. And now it is. I don't like it, but that's where we're at for the foreseeable future.
To live it, not just be it, I need there to be importance placed on M/s. By both of us. I need him to tell me what to do. And he needs me to not fight him when he does.
I need expressions of M/s. Not just the cleaning and back rubs, but the pain, the drowning.
I need those moments of genuine fear. That instant in time when all logic and understanding is suspended, when all I know is that it doesn't matter how hard I struggle, or how much I fight--there is nothing I can do to stop the inevitable...
As much as I have grown to dislike it, I need to know without a shadow of a doubt, that he will do as he pleases regardless of my objections.

Q&A, Round Two

From the ever awesome Misty,
"1. Consistency, how important is it?
2. Tell us a struggle you had in the beginning and how you overcame it. Or have you overcome it?
3. Have you ever read back through you blog and came across a post that made you think, "Boy, did I have it wrong!"?
4. Do you keep a journal? Has he ever read it? (I'm asking because I do, and we've talked about him reading it, but he's obviously not going to push me on it (which would sure make things easier on me! But I get why he won't.) and I don't know if I should let him. Okay, I probably should but I don't know if I want to.)"

Consistency...It's importance cannot be underestimated.
I have found that us subs can be rather inconsistent. We tend to ride up and down on waves that, while sometimes predictable, are certainly not the epitome of consistency.
Consistency in a sub, however, holds value--it's a lot of work for a dominant to keep up with a roller-coaster.
A dominant's consistency provides stability in an otherwise unstable world filled with occasionally unstable creatures. Consistency creates a sense of safety, and instills the knowledge that he means what he says. It is...Comforting.

A struggle from the beginning, and how I have or have not overcome it...He didn't trust me. Justifiably so, but it sucked. I didn't trust me either--the whole whore thing can be a bit tricky when one is lacking in self control and has been asked to let the monster out. The only fix for us was me being an open book, and him to make the calls for me about what was okay and what was not.
I took the easy way out on that one, didn't I?

Oh gods, yes! I have looked back at a few old posts and absolutely cringed. Witnessing one's own evolution is rarely pleasant...

This blog is the closest I have ever come to writing a journal. If I had a paper version, he would probably read it rarely, whenever the mood struck. If he felt like it. In random moments when I least expected it.

Thanks for the questions, Misty!

There is still plenty of time left in the month, so please keep the inspirations coming! I have one more question left, then I'll be all out of ideas, and lord knows I need them all (yes, ALL your ideas. I want them all to hoard and play with and take forever to get around too!)

First Question of March

Courtesy of the lovely JZ,
 "They're making a movie of your life.
(farce, naturally!)
Who do you want to play you, and who do you want to play Alpha?
And describe your happy ending."

Ooh, I don't know why these are so difficult for me. It's always the fun simple stuff that trips me up.

I don't know who I want to play me. Maybe Tina Fey because she has humor and plays the klutz well, which would be a requirement for anyone wanting to say anything about my life because ya, klutz! I definitely want wolverine to play him (nope, not Hugh Jackman, I want straight up wolverine with the retractable claws).

My happy ending...Corny as all hell--I'd like to wrap up the story with dying together on a really nice mountain. With a pillow (comfort is important in all things you know). I certainly don't want to be left behind, and going first is the easy way out, so it seems like a nice compromise.

Totally cheery, right?

Question and Answer Month?

So...March is Q&A month here in Blogland, and given that I have been notably lacking in good (or even decent) blog fodder for oh, about a year, I could really use some inspiration here.

I would really like to get back into blogging and away from the monthly random post hole that I seem to have fallen into.

You can ask here, or by email, anonymously or not, but I needs something. Help a girl out with some questions?

A Question of Lack of M/s and Spending Money

 Not sure exactly how I lost this one! If anyone else asked me something and I lost it, um...Feel free to give it another go, and I'm sorry!

Courtesy of Misty,
"Do you feel like this recent lack of M/s in your life could strengthen your submission in some way? If someone gave you $1000, what would you do with it? No necessities or plane tickets. :)"

Ack, I don't know...It doesn't feel very strengthened at the moment! Though I do think that something about the inevitable cycling back around which always follows these times is reaffirming--a reminder that it is, and always will be, there regardless of whether or not it is obvious and forefront...Oddly enough, perhaps, the more in-charge I am in daily life and the less I want to submit, the more I crave that mindlessness that comes when one lacks the ability to make choices of their own...

If someone gave me $1000...No necessities or plane tickets?! Obviously, you know me too well. Lol. Hmm...I'm thinking that we'd go blow it on a weekend of fun with the kids. Heck, we could get more than one weekend out of that! Okay, well maybe not all of it--we could use some new toys and I...Ahem, My "Play" collar was not in the case and I left it at home :[ so another one of those. I also may have left a bag of dildos...Yet another reason to pray daily that no one breaks into our house! And no, I'm not terribly keen on replacing those, and since this imaginary money is mine to blow as I wish, they will not be included on the list.

Real Neat Blog 2

Thank you greengirl! I know that it has taken me foreverrrr to do this, but I do really appreciate the award! And yes, I am going to cheat and just answer the questions...

1 - If you were going to create a blog award, what would it be called or be about?

Hmm, this one is fun, which means that I'm sure to over think it! Hmm, I think that I would call it "The Brave Blogger's Award", because I think that sometimes its really brave when people share how they are feeling, what makes them tick, the kinks they don't want to admit...And I love it.

2 - How would you describe your style of decorating.

Well...The first thought that comes to mind is "practical". We have animals--the cats like to scratch things, and the dog thinks nighttime was invented purely for her to sleep on the couch. More than anything I like a home to feel comfortable--the kind of place where it's not too fancy, and you know that cranky boys sprawl out across the living room on the weekend. I don't like fancy, uncomfortable furniture, and I have a variety of books and statues spread across the house, so maybe my style of decorating is comfortable and a bit on the eclectic side?

3 - If you could have your dream job/occupation, what would it be?

Oh, this one will probably never change--I'd go to school. Forever. I'd take any class that caught my fancy. And get payed to do it. Dream big, right?

4 - Are there any people in your (vanilla) life who you think might actually be kinky, or who you look at and think "no way, but, yet, maybe..."

Yes, actually. There are a couple of couples here...one, Alpha commented that he felt the wife was a lot like me, and initially she tended to avoid interacting with him on her own in a way very similar to how I often treat those of a dominant bent who provoke that submissive approach in me, but I don't want to feel it so I avoid them as much as possible.
The other couple...She's a very dominant person, and while that doesn't necessarily mean that dominance spreads into her private life, I have spent a fair amount of time working on a project with her (avoidance not possible, plus she happens to be the one person here that I really consider to be a friend), and she's the only woman I've ever met who has made me have the thought, (quickly squashed, stepped on, and kicked under the couch) that she's everything which makes for an awesome dominant, and if I was into women and life as everyone knows it was completely different, I'd...*Steps on thought and kicks it back under the couch*

5 -  Where would you put yourself (the sum total of your relationship) on a spectrum from incredibly stern and rigid to teasing and lighthearted?
Oh jeez, I think that we tend to cross that whole spectrum on a daily basis. Sometimes I don't catch on quite as quickly as I should when he switches from teasing and lighthearted to rigid, but I love that we kind of "have it all".

6 - If you had a fairly close friend with whom you really could discuss these types of things, do you think you would still blog?
Hmm...I do think that I would still blog. In fact, this would probably be the first place I would come just to holler at the world that I could sit down and have coffee with someone who knew that side of me exists. I haven't spent a whole lot of time here lately, but I have been a resident of Blogland for years now, and I value the interactions I have and the people who also reside here.

7 - If you had more time (in your day, in your week, in your life) what would you do differently?
Oh...Time...I have a draft in my drafts folder my about time...I would probably do more things with my family. I mean, we spend weekends and evenings together, but so often days where none of us wants to leave the house because we've been gone all week, and it would be nice to spend more time out and about. And I'd come here more often. Because you all inspire me, and I'm trying to reconcile two very different parts of myself and wrangle them into something resembling a functioning whole, and being her helps me do that.

Real Neat Blog 1

 I have to go back an redo paperwork, putting me behind by 580 pages, as opposed to a mere 540. Meh. So I thought it would be nice to start out the day in a somewhat different vein...

I know that I'm late to the party, but...A couple of lovely ladies were kind enough to nominate me for the Real Neat Blog award, and since I am clearly starving for blogging fodder, I decided to really milk it out and break it in to two posts.

From She and Him, with my thanks.

The rules:

1)  Put the award logo in your post
2)  Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you
3)  Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs
4)  Let them know you nominated them

1) What is your favorite ethnic food?
Oh...Um...Is chocolate considered ethnic?
There's this curry shrimp with spinach stuff that I haven't made in ages because it uses like three different kinds of sauce which I only know how to use for that particular dish...

2) Would you ever considered telling someone about DD/twdd to someone in real life you thought was headed toward divorce?
 Hmm, while I would consider telling someone, I don't know that I would do so on the grounds that they were headed for divorce. I know that ttwd has been a "saving grace" for some of us and our marriages, but I would hesitate to suggest trying to use it as a tool for such--if it is an expression of who people really are, I think it can be successful. If it's a band-aid applied in a desperate attempt to stop the hemorrhaging...Then it could backfire drastically, and I'd hate to feel even remotely responsible for such a thing!

3) If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?
Oh boy...Last time I answered this question, I got it right. This morning...I'd go home. I hear a bird outside you see, and it was so terribly familiar that I could almost smell the trees...

4) What is your favorite television show?
 I have to pick one?? The Walking Dead. Unfortunately, the seasons are entirely too short!

5) Are you a dog or cat person?
Dog. Cats can be entirely too catty. Har har.

6) If you could have any career, (even if your retired) what would it be?
Yay, an easy one! I would go to school. Yep, I'd make a career entirely out of learning and probably never get a degree in anything because I would be taking every random class that appealed to me, and the range would be so vast that it's likely very few of them would actually coincide enough to apply towards and one degree.

7) What are your strongest/weakest points within yourself?
Guess there was a fee for the easy one, huh?
Probably that I function at my best when the shit hits the fan in a traumatic way. It's a trait which seems to have the trade-off of falling apart when things are not going well, but fall short of total disaster.

As I am entirely late to the party, everyone I would nominate has probably already played along, so I'm going to use that as my excuse not to nominate anybody in particular--if you read this and you want to give it a go, consider yourself nominated!

My questions would be...
1) Coffee or tea (there is one right answer here)
2) What is your favorite thing to do, kinky or otherwise?
3) What most inspires you to do/be your best?
4) What trait do you admire most in a person?
5) What is your favorite time of day, and why?
6) What is your favorite recipe, and can we have it?
7) What brought you to Blogland?

I am now off to re-immerse myself in the never-ending paperwork hell that seems to exist in a complete progress void...

Questions of Vacation, Music, and Implements

From Roz, "If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be? What is your favorite music? What is your favorite implement"

Ooh, anywhere...Suddenly, I can't decide!

At this point, I'd say back home. In the grand scheme of things, that seems a bit too lame, even for me! So, I'm going to stick with Wales because that one's been on my list forever.

Favorite music...My favorite music tends to change with my mood...Some days I like rap, some days I like classic rock, other days Celtic music or folksy stuff...Really pretty much just depends on how I'm feeling at the time!

Implements...I have to say, the riding crop. Of course, I'm prone to changing my mind mid-use, but that applies to all implements (wuss here). I don't like thuddy things, or extra stingy things. I feel like the riding crop falls right in the middle...

Questions of Kink and Munches

This round comes from tori:
1) is there anything kink or even non-kink wise that you would like to explore that Alpha has no interest in?

2) Would you like to go to any kinky clubs or munches, why? or have you been to any and if so experiences?

So this is a little difficult because I tend to use his okay as justification for the kinks that I find attractive--if he likes it, I can justify it to myself as being okay. If he doesn't like it, I dismiss it until the idea no longer holds interest for me. If that makes any sense...

I would like to check out kinky clubs or munches. I've never had any face-to-face interaction (that I am aware of anyways, lol) with people who have relationships like ours, and I think that it would be an interesting experience. You know, just to physically be around people who live like we do, and have it be openly accepted...
This is maybe one of those areas where I have more interest than him. Though, I'm not sure that's accurate...Where we were before, there just wasn't really any opportunity that didn't have to be traveled to. Now, his job makes keeping this part of our lives to ourselves private pretty important, and there's nothing quite like opening announcing it to a group of strangers to make a person feel like their secrets are going to get hung out to dry.

I feel like I didn't really do these questions justice...It's  bit difficult to get into the kinky mindset these days--he's working 80 hours a week, and I have somehow once again found myself rewriting operations manuals which are larger than the average book--we're both drowning a bit at the moment...

A Question of Favorite Dishes

Courtesy of his slut (with a chime in from Jz for recipes), "What is your favorite dish to cook? What is your favorite dish to bake? What is Alpha's favorite meal that you cook?"

Oh geez, I'm not a huge fan of cooking these days. I'm still learning how to use the electric range and the results are...Less than stellar lol. Couple that with the drastic change in elevation, and it's like learning to cook all over again! My fool-proof recipes are not so fool proof anymore.

At the moment, I have no favorite dishes to cook--if it's not moving on the plate, and is edible, I'm down with that.Terrible, isn't it?

My favorite dish to bake is chocolate ream pie. While I'm not sure that it technically qualifies as a "dish", deserts are the only thing I really tend to bake. The recipe can be found here.

Alpha's favorite meal that I cook is bacon wrapped shrimp drenched in cream sauce and piled on steak. If' I'm feeling rich, he likes the cream sauce with crab in it.

Keep in mind that this is one of those things fibbed up in my kitchen upon request, so it's not an exact science by any means.

Recipe:
Large shrimp (raw) prawns are best, but definitely more pricey.
Bacon (raw)
Crab
Heavy cream
Butter
Garlic (as much as you want. If you use too much, it does overpower the crab though)
Small amount of flour
Flank steak to pour everything on top of

Directions:
Wrap the shrimp in bacon and run a toothpick through to keep from coming unwrapped. Saute until bacon is cooked through, turning occasionally. While that's cooking, I sear up the steak until cooked (I like mine bleeding, he prefers his a little more well done). For the cream sauce, melt butter with minced garlic, add a bit of flour and whisk for about a minute (easy on the flour, if you use to much, it comes out like gravy. You can always add more if you need to, but it's best a bit on the runny side and the cream is pretty thick). Pour in the cream and whisk until smooth and just below simmering. Add crab and heat until done, avoiding bringing it to a boil.
Put your steak on a plate, toss your bacon wrapped shrimp on top, and drown in cream sauce.

A Question of Where, Why, and the Bucket List

Made it to abby, who asked: "If you had to move, but you could choose where...where would it be..why?
Name e things in your bucket list..one of them has to be kink related."

Finally, an easy one!

I'd move back home. In a heartbeat. Specifically, one county over because that is where I have always dreamed of living (far reaching desires, I know). Of course, if we were to move right now, we'd be totally screwed, but this is a wish list!
Because...Those mountains are in my soul. The one place on earth where you could drop me on my own and I could always find my way home, miles upon miles familiar as the back of my hand...The sound of the wind, the smell of wet dirt, the rustle of tree branches, that one stupid cricket that just won't shut up when you're trying to sleep...
My mother.
And the people. The one's who ran away from the world and hid from the terrible madness beyond the borders of their own personal making.
And the awesome crazy ones who think that they can fend off the oil wells, the massive developments,  and the industries; forever keeping the outside world at bay.
The people who don't care about social status and all think that they can change the world by passing down stories of how things used to be, by being different, or creating a stupid painting, or growing your own food, or writing poetry that makes you cry and tears at your soul...
The teachers who stop to skin elk, threaten to beat their students with poorly written papers, who stop to say hello to their forty year old former students in the grocery store; with their stories and tales old enough to finally tell.
The misfits with their ideals and broken reasoning...
Yes, if I could move anywhere, I would go back home.

Here is where things get tricky. Is it lame of me to admit that I don't actually have a bucket list?

I am going to assume that "e things" is supposed to be three, but I do feel that I have a little leeway there and have every intention of quickly backpedaling and deciding that it's actually one if I get stuck (yes, I am willing to ignore the sentence's plural connotation in the interests of laziness or writer's block). Sound fair?

So...

Go to Wales. I have always been fascinated by it, even though Alpha seems to think that there are far more temperate places to find interesting!
See my kids do something awesome with their lives. I know this probably isn't the kind of thing that people think of when they think "bucket list", but if I get to see them do something wonderful with their lives, I will know that I did a good job with them and that my contributions to the world have exceeded those of my own life's accomplishments.
Kinky bucket list items...Hm...
Well...There go those damn crickets again!
Okay, I'm going to go with have sex in a public restroom. There are a few logistics issues with this one, which go beyond the obvious considerations. Mainly that I feel like I would have to clean and disinfect said bathroom before such an act, and that's a real mood killer...

A Question of Giving Up Something Meaningful

On to ancilla_ksst, and her tricky question: "If you had to choose to give up one thing which is meaningful to you, what would it be? It has to be a good thing, no fair choosing to give up hangnails and the like."

Dammit! Here I was all ready to give up migraines and under-eye bags. Sheesh--so unreasonable. What if I said that those things are very meaningful to me and we ignore the fact that said meaning revolves around hatred? No go huh...

When I think about this question, I get stuck on all of the things I gave up to move here--the mountain, the community, the feeling of belonging, our funky little house, and all of those glorious stars in the night sky.
I guess that maybe there's not really anything else meaningful to me that I'm willing to give up because all I have left is Alpha and our boys.

I suppose that what I'm trying to say, is that I feel like I have recently given up everything which is meaningful to me that I am willing to give up, and I don't feel like I have a whole lot left to throw into the pot...

So, what's left? Music, books, and my collar (I will probably think of some way better choices as soon as I hit the publish button). Since I would probably seriously consider throwing myself into a fire to rescue books, (good ones anyways), and I have already pretty much been forced to give up the collar since the headaches have gotten so bad, I have to choose music. That sucks, because music is awesome food for the soul!

*Surreptitiously cranks up the volume*

A Question of Famous Friends

Courtesy of Jz, "If you could pick someone famous, living or dead, for a friend, who would it be? And why?"

Dammit, this one is hard too!

Um...I really don't pay enough attention to famous people. A fact which is becoming quite clear because it's taking me days to write this post.

Alright, after much stressful musing, (because that's the normal response to a light-hearted question, right?) I have to say that I would pick the 14th Dalai Lama. Now, this may seem like an odd choice for someone as prone to cynicism as myself, but I remember being fascinated by him as a child, and I have always felt that he is one of those truly amazing beings that the earth is blessed to have.

See? He wouldn't even mind my bouts of temper!

It's amazing, right? The concept of a being willing to come back time and again with the sole purpose of serving humanity, a being who has witnessed so much destruction and suffering perpetrated upon humanity by fellow humans over the course of multiple lifetimes, yet still truly feels and expresses so much joy and wonder...

His philosophies, his ideals, his understanding of humanity, are so in depth, yet still...Still somehow he sees the beauty and the wonder while managing to acknowledge all of the ugliness in a way that is truly without dislike or hatred.
 
 There are very few people in the world that are truly inspiring beings--in their words, beliefs, who they are and how they interact with the world around them. I find him to be one of them. And we all know how I love a good dose of inspiration.

A Question of Specifics in the Ultimate Sexual Fantasy

Sub hub in phx asked, "What are some of the specific things that you would include in your ultimate sexual fantasy?"

Ack. Nothing against the questioner, but I hate this question.

This is probably a pretty accurate picture of my face when I read it:

Yep that's me. The dog, not the fish.

Um...

*Watches the grass grow while crickets chirp uncomfortably*

These days, my ultimate sexual fantasy can pretty much be summed up by saying having the actual desire for sex, being alone with him for an entire night, and not having a headache. It's a lot to ask, I know.

But that wasn't really what you wanted to hear, was it?

Lets see how vague of answer is possible for such a specific question, shall we? Yes, let's. Lol.

Well...There would be humiliation. And control. Lots of control. There would be more than one man, and I would serve at Alpha's demand because that's what makes the fantasy attractive to me, what makes it somewhat acceptable in the recesses of my mind.
For me, his control is the only truly specific part of this fantasy. The situation is entirely controlled by him and continues through only at his direction. I am willing to acknowledge that this is due, in no small part, to the fact that him controlling every aspect in this fantasy is what makes me even remotely  okay with having it in the first place. There is, however, no denying the turn-on of the particular setting of this fantasy.

Of course, it's always worth remembering that the glorious thing about fantasies is that it doesn't really matter if one could actually cope with them in reality--that's why we call them fantasies.

So there you have it, "some" details!

Next up: Famous person I would like to be friends with...In which I admit that I failed to answer the question. It's sure to be a winner of a post!

A Question of Subspace

Thanks to everyone for their responses to my plea for March queries! They should keep me busy for a while. Though, the month is long, so there's no need to stop asking now...

I am going to answer questions in the order received with possibly a couple of detours to watch the butterflies here and there ('cuz I'm good like that. Or short attention span. Whatever).

Collared Mom asked, "What, if anything, helps you get/stay in subspace?"

Because I'm so good at over-complicating things, I am going to clarify my definition of subspace (because, why simple?)

Subspace is a place that I don't think of as being desirable to stay in beyond whatever interaction induced it (though it does tend not to just disappear on cue). It's not a generally submissive feeling--more of a drugged sensation in which normal functioning is not even conceivable.

Honestly, it's been a while since I was in subspace--too much on my mind all the time. Ironically, it is about the only thing that is ever guaranteed to shut my brain up, but I digress...

Pain. Pain gets me into subspace. Now, to be clear, I don't actually like pain all that much. In fact, I'm a bit of a wimp, but it does tend to do the trick quite nicely. Though, of course, there is the little issue that pain becomes markedly more appealing from the depths of subspace...
Being pissed on. While I don't object to this one as much as I object to pain, it often has a way of taking me down quite well.
Talking. Now, this one doesn't really accomplish the goal all on its own, but...Him telling me what he's going to do to me, that I am his, etc. And then there are those terrible times when he makes me talk to. I hate it. With a passion. But...There is something about admitting/acknowledging certain things out loud, which has a way of helping my brain go to mush.
The oft dreaded enema. I feel the need not to expound on this one. Lol.
Sex. Sometimes sex gets me there. But only good choking, slapping kinky sex. The annoying thing is, I only really enjoy sex when I'm in subspace, so this one is a bit of a catch twenty-two for me.
Really, a combination of all the above seems to work the best. Sometimes it takes a lot to get there.

As to the issue of staying in subspace, it takes me so much to get there, that my struggle usually comes in crawling out of it to resume normal functioning. I think that perhaps the trick to staying there comes in going so far down that prematurely snapping out of it isn't even an option...?

As a side note...The keys on my laptop have gone completely haywire, so if I'm missing an abnormal amount of t's, the occasional c, and other random letters, please know that I have not completely lost my ability to to form semi-coherent sentences. Lol.

Questions and Answers

Today marks the start of Q&A month here in Blogland. It also marks the end of another trip around the sun for me (or, if you are prone to optimism, the start of a new one).

Lets focus on the important stuff though, shall we?

Question and answer month is loads of fun, and I always enjoy participating, especially if I have been low on blogging fodder, as has been the case lately.

So...I welcome all questions, but much like your insurance company, I can guarantee no satisfactory answers.

How it works: Ask a question in the comments, or by email if you prefer, (or leave me an answer, I'm not terribly picky) and I will endeavor to answer each question individually in blog posts.

It's been a long time since I felt like I had the answers to anything, so help me out here people--give me a chance to feel like I have at least some of the answers to some things!

A Question of Public Behavior

A while back, I asked for some reader inspiration. Then life got messy again, and I still don't have much opportunity to visit Blogland because my computer is stupid...So I still have a question which had been waiting for a ridiculous amount of time...

This one comes from the, thankfully, patient Downunder Don:

"Hi Lil,

(This question was prompted from an observation last night when my wife and I attended a large public gathering. We both saw a couple where she was wearing a black choker with a small, discrete, but when viewed closely, obvious BDSM symbol attached. Reinforced by Erica Scott’s blog entry today)

What is your public persona as opposed to a private, submissive one. Do you publicly act subserviently to Alpha as opposed to most of us who hide our kink under a bushel."

Sorry for taking forever to get to this!

Hmm...Quite a bit of it depends on where we are and the company we are in. Often, I behave the same in public as at home. Of course, since our children are always home, and are usually with us when we go anywhere, that means I tend to keep it fairly well hidden at home.

I guess I see much of our interactions as normal, so he still gets the final say in public and we are pretty much the same with each other, regardless of where we are. Though, I would imagine that will change rather drastically when the kids aren't with us all of the time.

There are many things that I don't think about in the ways we interact with each other that are perhaps not so "Normal" but they aren't obviously D/s, so people just chalk it up to the way we are and don't pay too much attention. Deferring is one of those things that can be quite subtle.

Overall, my public persona tends to be fairly Dominant, a misconception that he loves perpetrating. In fact, he seems to find it quite amusing to make people think that I'm generally in charge. It's a bit annoying, really...

A Question of Bringing out the nature of a Submissive

I can't seem to respond to comments, or comment on other people's posts on this computer...So I'll try to catch up soon.

Thankfully, the Anons of Blogland are keeping me stocked up on blogging fodder. Otherwise...Well, there probably just isn't enough coffee in the world to make it interesting around here. Though, we do seem to love a good train wreck...

Anyways...

Anonymous asked:

"I'll keep this one short and simple. How do I get a girl who is submissive in nature to consider or maybe realize she wants a D/s relationship?"

Should I assume that my last response was unsatisfactory?
The exceptionally short answer, would be slowly--give her tastes, not full bites.

Imho, the bedroom is a good place to start. If she's willing to give up control in the bedroom, she might be willing to expand outwards. Also, I think it's easier to accept and come to terms with the concept of bedroom submission--it's not as overwhelming and serious as taking D/s into other aspects of one's life. I started out as a clearly stated "Bedroom only" sub, then he made me ask to expand out of the bedroom because he's mean like that. And I couldn't just keep it in the bedroom. I wanted and needed more.

Earn her trust. Inspire submission regardless of whether of not she recognizes it as submission. Submitting requires a certain level of trust, so earning that trust first is a valuable first step that is worth taking the time to make.

I hate to admit it, but we are fickle creatures (a fact that Alpha is always happy to rub my nose in). I think that, as a sub, admitting that you want D/s is hard. It's much easier to get a taste and respond favorably than it is to sit down and outright admit that you want it while contemplating eating the entire cake.
Once you have had a taste (if you like it) it becomes much easier to become comfortable with the whole concept.

Submission abhors a vacuum, and tends to respond favorably to Dominance. If she has a positive response to Dominant behavior, then why not just sit down and talk about it? If you have already earned her trust and established for yourself that submission is part of her nature, talking about it is the next logical step, and is absolutely necessary if you want her to come to some sense of realization--there's no moving forwards without communication.
When you do talk about it, I would think that the "take it slow" rule applies here too. Don't start off with the deep end of what you want or see your D/s becoming--keep to the more shallow end of the pool.

Now is when I make a shameless plea to readers for their input, so...?

A Question of Making D/s Work, and How We Began

I was beginning to think that my Q&A page was just taking up space, and maybe I should scrap it. Then someone decided to use it for the first time in ages. So yay--much needed blogging fodder.

Anonymous asks:

"Hey! I really love your blog. Around a year ago or so I fell in love with the idea of a D/s relationship, me being the Dom. Me and my girlfriend tried it and it didn't go so well. Me and her recently broke up. At first she liked the idea of a D/s relationship but within a few weeks she didn't like it anymore but I am still stuck on the idea. Our relationship failing makes me discouraged I'll ever find a submissive to be mine and was just wondering if you had key advice to make it work. Also I was wondering where you and your Dominant met and how you began your D/s relationship. Thanks!"

Thank you for the questions, Anon. I am glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog.

First, I would like to say that I adore ideas. They are the root of so many wonderful things and experiences, how could we not love them? The thing is though, it's easy to fall in love with ideas. Ideas do not pass judgement, they rarely highlight inconvenient truths, they don't have dirty socks, and while often complex, they are only expressions of the human mind and lack the vast complexity of actually being human.
Ideas are much easier to love than people, and quite a bit more difficult to live than they are to experience as theoretical concepts.

As someone who has never searched for a D/s relationship, I'm not sure that I have any key advice for you. Perhaps just basic sub thought processes that might be slightly helpful.

We all know that compatibility is important to relationships, and nowhere does that hold as true as it does in D/s. I think it is rare for "The One" to fall into our laps. It takes time to find that compatibility. Given that your last relationship ended recently, I wouldn't get discouraged too quickly.
I don't know if you've read it already, but I recently wrote a post that addresses some ideas of how to make ttwd work, so you might find it somewhat useful: A Question of Advice for Beginners.

As to finding and beginning a D/s relationship, I'm afraid that I don't have much to offer (though the post I mentioned might help with the beginning). Perhaps readers with more experience in this area would like to chime in and offer some thoughts...?

From a submissive perspective, when it comes to trying to find a sub using websites like Fetlife and Collarme (does that one still exist?) there is an overabundance of "doms" and very few actual Dominants. I don't have the answers, but I do think that there are approaches that one is best served by avoiding.
Submission is earned, there is already an excess of cock shots in the world, and a surprising amount of men take the "Kneel bitch" approach. It doesn't go over well.
Also, not everyone who fancies themselves submissive actually is--as I said before, ideas are easy to love, not so easy to live.
There's something to be said for just being yourself, approaching subs with a sense of normality and getting to know them as people--issuing demands and being pushy right off the bat is probably not going to get you anywhere besides blocked.
While I do believe that it is important not to try and model relationships off of other people's experience, there is definitely something to be said for doing your research--we like submitting to people who have a good grasp of what they are doing and how we work.

Alpha and I actually met a very long time ago through a mutual friend. While we did settle into a slightly unbalanced dynamic wherein he took the lead because I had very little life experience, neither of us had a concept of D/s.
We had been together somewhere around eight years before we began our forays into D/s.
Really, it was not pretty. To put it very mildly, we were not doing well as a couple. Not doing well at all. I was screwing around with D/s online, and he caught me. He said that, if I wanted to be Dominated, it would be by him and no one else.
Thus began our rather rocky explorations of power exchange. In a twist that I still find somewhat ironic, (not sure exactly why) starting this blog several years later, was the first time I was allowed on to the internet and given room for any interactions with other people who had anything to do with D/s.

I wanted to dive in and have it all right then. He took a much slower approach, and since he's in charge, we went at the pace he wanted--I thought it was slower than  snail crap, but in retrospect, he was right. Ideally, you are setting up an arrangement that is going to last for a long time--it's worth taking your time to lay up a solid foundation.

I hope that this adequately answers your questions. If you (or anyone really) has any other questions or ideas to throw my way, please feel free to do so--I'm lacking inspiration these days.

A Question of the Difficulties Surrounding D/s and Kids

Here's my response to the last question from Foxy Canidae. I did say that I was going to drag them out as much as possible...

"What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to TTWD and having kids?"

Hmm...

I would have to say the lack of private time. Our arrangement came into being after our first child, so our D/s has always existed within the constraints of parenthood.

The day-to-day parenting decisions are left to me, and while we always discuss our options, the big final decisions involving them are usually left up to me.
Having boys, I used to worry that the obvious overtones of dad getting the final say in damn near everything would make them into those terrible men who think that they get to do whatever they want because they're men.

The thing is...Mom runs a tight ship, and dad always backs mom up. They know that I'm the one they will have to convince if they want something--I'm the chore and extra cookie authority around here.
Interestingly enough, they have about as much disdain as I do for anyone who seems to consider themselves superior to anyone else, so I don't worry about that anymore.

I think I got sidetracked...

The hardest thing is simply time.
Time to play.
Time to express just that part of us.
Time to ignore reality and just...Be that.