Breathe

He leaned in close, "I'm going to fuck you in the ass."
I squeaked back, "You are?"
It's been a really long time you see, and we all know that the longer it is between such events, the more painful it is.
He leaned in close, fastening his hand firmly in my hair "You know you want it."
"I don't!"
His grip tightened as he got measurably closer and growled, "Don't lie to me."

As he pushed inexorably in, all I could hear was my own whines, his low growl, and his voice whispering softly in my ear, "Breathe."

What is it about that simple command to perform a basic necessity of staying alive, that is such a huge turn on?

He winds his other hand into my hair as his grip on my throat tightens, and slides in deeper, "You are Mine. Breathe."
And so pain turns to pleasure as I breathe him all the way in.

I think that the subject of control over basic functions may deserve a post of its own...

Asking for it--With words?!

I find myself in a very odd place tonight. Yes, I'm in my living room...But the thing is...I'm needy. Yes, I know I'm probably always needy in one way or another lol.

But not this way.

Alpha's been working constantly. And He's asleep as soon as He's done with dinner. And He's sick. Last week I was sick. This means no one's been getting any action around here.

The thing is, the less sex we have? The less I want it. Well, there's a happy medium there because my body and I have these disagreements sometimes. It will betray me in numerous ways--My mind says "more pleeaase!" (yes, I have been known to speak in tongues). Or conversely, it will tell Him that something I am desperately begging Him to stop doing is turning me on to no end.

So we have this off and on relationship, my body and I.
I'm used to the betrayals...Just not the kind where I want to crawl in bed and beg to be used. Could I crawl in bed right now and say "please fuck me in the ass Master"? I could...But I can't. Writing it is painful enough, like nails on the crazy little chalkboard in my head.


And I wonder why it's so difficult for me to say and type those words. Perhaps it strikes me as crude and I enjoy subtlety. Or perhaps it's to honest and blatant.

Either way, I could crawl into bed and beg for it. I might even get it. But chances are? I won't try.

The thing is, no matter what it is, I hardly ever ask for it. My body asks, my mind asks, and usually He hears me anyways. But whether it's pain or pleasure or anything in between. I never open my mouth and ask.  
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that if I ask for it, I can't deny I wanted it and pretend it's all His desires that got me there in that moment.

Overall? I'm not used to wanting something I spent years trying to avoid. And I have a very hard time admitting what I want by using those pesky things we humans communicate with called words.

Eden Fantasys review: G-spot tickler

So we got a review offer from Eden Fantasys a while back. I was delighted and then the shit promptly hit the fan. So I have had the product for a while even though I intended to do the review right away. Anyways, here it is.

Alpha seems to think that the easy way is overrated so instead of picking some implement that causes physical pain, He chose a nice painless little product that was going to be much harder for me to write about than an implement of destruction would have been lol. For anyone who is not already familiar with them, Eden Fantasys sells a nice variety of adult toys from the kinky to good ol' vibrators.

As you have no doubt guessed, the product chosen was the G-spot tickler.

G-spot tickler - G-spot vibrator

        

It was a bit of a risky choice because my body likes to react in a somewhat nasty way to synthetic products ranging from lube to condoms; however, I didn't have a problem with this one. It's a jelly toy, so it's soft and a lot smaller than it looks (hmmm, perhaps I shouldn't complain that He picked a pain-free product?). My all out favorite thing about it is the way it rubs on your clit. Since I can't cum without clitoral stimulation, I thought it was a rather brilliant design. 
Alpha liked that it can be controlled by remote, so He could adjust the speed (being able to adjust the speed is great) without actually having to change His position or reach around to grab the vibrator itself. He said that the cord was a bit cumbersome, but personally, I didn't notice it at all lol.
I felt that it was perhaps a bit small (a whopping 3" actually goes inside you), but that gives it a really nice perk: it's absolutely freaking awesome to use during anal sex. You get the vibration, clitoral stimulation that makes you hand seem like a cave-man method, and it's not so big that it makes you feel like you're being split in two by having both holes filled at once.

Another thing that I really liked about this product is that it's easy to clean--you can pull the vibrating egg right out of the rubber and completely submerge the jelly part in soapy water. Since it's not silicone, it can't be boiled, but that also means that if you are allergic or otherwise reactive to silicone products, it's not going to burn like a bitch and create other unpleasant sensations. And I'm not sharing my toys anyways lol, so soapy water is just fine.

My one concern before receiving the vibrator in the mail, was that no one wants to pick up a package with "sex toys" plastered all over it (especially in a tiny town where your post mistress knows every box-holder by name lol). The packaging was wonderfully innocuous. It might as well have been a scarf from someone's grandma as far as you could tell from looking at it.

Over all, this vibrator is a nice little addition to the toy box And like I said, I thought it was pretty phenomenal as an addition to anal sex so I'm quite happy with it.

Shifting in submission

Okay, so anal is one of those topics that I don't usually give more than a passing mention. In fact, I didn't even have a label for it until not to long ago; however, last night deserves more than a passing mention.

As usual, my recollection of events is fuzzy and most likely out of order lol. We were lying in bed and Alpha said He should take my ass and asked me what I thought about that. I opened my mouth to say no (I always do, it's besides the fact that "no" doesn't count)...and nothing came out. I couldn't say it. The instant I realized that I couldn't actually bring myself to say it, I experienced the most instant and noticeable "shift" I have ever had. I knew that we had reached the point where He owns me completely. Of course, here I am having a freakin revelation and He still wants an answer. My reply was "confused." I'm so brilliant with the English language when I'm under. And He was going to take care of Himself for the most part and just cum in my ass which was really giving me the nice way out. But I couldn't handle Him not taking what He wanted, I needed Him to use me for His needs. And He did.
As I have said in a previous post, for me, anal is one of those things that is much more enjoyable as a fantasy and quite painful in practice. I was already so far under that I wasn't even halfway functional. And He wanted all the way in. I really couldn't take it. But He informed me that I could. He talked me though it. He made me breath and relax. And it was amazing. Then He told me to cum. I couldn't (here's where "shit out of luck" comes in). He did. I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't form a coherent sentence, I was about as functional as a puddle of mush. Normally, if I don't get to cum, it fucks with my head and my body. All my muscles tense up, and I can't sleep. Not this time...this time I just floated. Then He made me go get water and a cigarette. As I was heading out of the bedroom sneezing (I must be allergic to ownership), He said "bless you," now we're all polite and shit--as if He hadn't been calling me a dirty whore five minutes earlier.

Admitting

Last night He was asleep and I was not. I had showered, washed and scrubbed. Prepared for what I was sure was coming. But He was asleep! Now, anal is one of those things that's always better as a fantasy. Whenever you put it into practice it's painful even if rather enjoyable. But when you think it's coming and your ready for it, then "someone" is asleep, it's a bit of a letdown. It could have gone two ways--I roll over and pass out too, or I wake Him up in His favorite manner for something He wanted before going to sleep. I chose option A. Which of course, led to some personal introspection as I drifted off to dream land for all of two hours before the kiddo woke up.
I never actively wake Alpha up. Ever. And by actively, I mean I never just start sucking Him off (It's a sure way to wake Him up which He loves, so it's not like He would be inconvenienced in any way lol). So why? In situations like last night, part of it is because I'm well aware that the fantasy is going to be more pleasant than the act itself. But really, it's because I would not only have to admit I want anal, I would have to incite the activity myself. I mean, I might as well write it on my forehead in permanent marker "wants to be fucked in the ass!" Hmm, the wise side of me is saying that backspacing is a valuable tool and I should probably use it before the marker comes out again...Eh well, I'm not feeling wise lol. The truth is, I have a problem going after what I want (even when it's perfectly compatible with His desires) because there's no absolving myself of responsibility for the ensuing activity.
Introspection and admission are terribly overrated.