Alive

I love dreaming.
In my dreams, is where I find myself feeling truly alive.
I dreamed last night.
Awful and sad
beautiful and mysterious
angry and afraid.
Alive.

I dreamed that my home was gone
nowhere to run back to
no going home
it was terrible and sad
I slipped momentarily into this conciousness we call waking life
feeling tears sliding down my cheeks.
Lost.
Alive.

I dreamed about libraries and beautiful mysterious creatures
a world of wonderful and strange things
it was magic and imagination
stories of tales rising from the ages
and walking off the pages.
Alive.

I dreamed about someone else
he found someone else
blonde and beautiful,
she was who he chose because I was not there
it hurt
wanting him back
to be mine once again.
I was angry and alone.
Alive.

I dreamed last night.
Of feeling.
Of being.
Alive.

Dreaming Frustration

I had hot and bothered dreams again last night. After spending the majority of my life quite comfortably without them, I'm not terribly keen on their sudden appearance...

First I had a dream that I was kissed by someone else. So that one came with a side of guilt, but was somehow still really hot.
Then I had dreams about kneeling on a public sidewalk and sucking Alpha off.
Then...
Then...
*Sigh*

How is a person supposed to concentrate on anything when they wake up thinking about sex and submission and maybe wastes spends a few illicit morning minutes looking at bondage pictures...

Seriously, I am starting to believe that sexual frustration and sub cravings are to blame for all the problems and angst in the world.

I gots it bad...

Meh, I'm gonna go work out, and try to burn off some cravings.

Sexy Dreams and Random Things

I don't dream about sex. Really. As a general rule my dreams just don't have that in the equation.
Except that last night was my second one this month.
And I don't really remember the details. But I do remember the feeling of need because I woke up with it. That feeling of need related to sex is also something I am somewhat unfamiliar with.
All in all, I think I like it...But I'm not sure what to think of it lol.

In all honestly, a good part of my day will probably be spent musing about that surprisingly overwhelming feeling I had in my dreams. The one that seems to be sticking with me for some odd reason...

In other random news, my back is out again and I'm thoroughly irritated about it. I don't think it's that much to ask to be able to work 15 hours a week and still be able to walk. The most annoying part? It was a 6 hour week this time.

Alpha's birthday is tomorrow. And while I enjoy experimenting with new recipes, I get nervous if I have to test them on a group of people the first time I try.
So what does he want? Pork tenderloin rounds wrapped in bacon and grilled. Should work out fine right?

So today I'll make carrot cake (he's asked for the same cake every year since the beginning of time), appetizers, and try my hand at wrapping tenderloin rounds in bacon so they stay together. No biggie right?

Dreams and squirmy things

Minimum payments haven't been made on anything for months and collectors start calling first thing in the morning. The upside to this is that you're to busy wishing you could sleep and praying that there will be some payments made come next paycheck, so you don't really remember your dreams.

Umm, this morning I did remember some rather hazy dreams. The kind of stuff that made me choke on my coffee and turn bright red while checking to see if anybody in my immediate vicinity was currently mind reading. Luckily Alpha was still in bed, so no one was lol.

I tend not to have...dreams like that lol. To compound the coffee choking and hot tomato sensation that accompanied my hazy remembrance, I also got to enjoy that particular squirmy feeling that comes with admitting something to Alpha that I really don't want to lol. Because...In part of the dream I'm standing next to Alpha, He has His hand around the back of my neck, He's asking me something, and controlling the way I turn my head. I'm looking at two men. They happen to be the same man (hey, it's dreamland. They could have been purple too). One doesn't interest me at all, the other...Well, I'm telling Alpha that I would fuck the other one (enter extremely squirmy feeling during waking realizations lol).
I thought it was kind of interesting though, because the two men in my dream were the same person, but one was clearly darker, Dominant...different. The other had the same physical appearance (okay, minus black leather jacket lol), different everything though...softer and less intense.

And there, I think, is my little peek into the abyss of attraction and one of the reasons I tend to go out of my way to avoid other Dominant men. Because it fucks with the slut in me. And while Alpha has clearly seen it all and probably knows better than I do, it's difficult to admit directly--what I find attractive and pushes my buttons. Then again, it's one thing to admit it. Another thing completely to actually show it.

Though I do suspect that if I spent a bit more time accepting that part of me, I would be able to squash my jealous tendencies more effectively. Because that's part of being human right? Attraction. And it's not an exclusive experience. Trying to make it so has a tendency of repressing parts of who we are. And after all, attraction isn't everything by any means--a serial killer could be attractive, but you don't want to marry him and say "you own me, do whatever you want with me" lol.

But it all just goes to show--I will find the most gorgeous man in the world completely unattractive if he hasn't got the intensity and that certain something that you see when looking at a Dominant man.
And no matter who I may see as attractive? Alpha knows it before I do. And I don't belong to any of them, nor do I want to. And He knows that too. Hmm, excessive use of "and."

Now I'll post on the way out the door and hope that Alpha reads while I'm not home so that I don't have to squirm and feel like I'm boiling in the lobster pot for the entire time it takes Him to read this (He really could work on that whole speed reading thing sheesh).

Dreams, what wicked things they can be

 He grabs me. Dragging into a bedroom He rips my clothes off and throws me on the bed with my ass in the air. i feel the cold hard steel of a gun barrel pressed against the side of my head as He thrusts in and out of me, using me purely for His own pleasure.
So what's more fucked up, that i had the dream, or that i found it a turn-on? It's a rhetorical question, not sure i really want to know what anyone thinks about that lol. The next morning when i admit my dream to M in the light of day *shudder*, He smiles softly at me and brushes a tendril of hair out of my face. "My damaged little one. That was an option but I didn't want to break you."
Everyone has fantasies. i don't care who you are, what you do, or how kinky you aren't. The only real differences are how extreme our fantasies are, and whether or not we admit to having them.

Dreams, space, and sadists

i had so many dreams last night. i only remember one of them though. i was tripping. Sitting in M's lap and absolutely flying. The funny thing is, it's exactly how i felt before i passed out. i was so deep in space that words seemed like an unnecessary construct of mankind and 2 word sentences felt like a huge, if totally unimportant, achievement. For a few minutes, i actually thought i was going to pass out. i find it rather terrifying being that far down. Yet, at the same time, i enjoy it immensely. There is no freedom quite like losing all control and sense of self.

Being that far under is very much like edge play for me. Edge play is like 24/7 D/s--everyone has their own definition and will fight to the teeth to get someone else to come around and see that their opinion of it is correct. Personally, i define edge play as something that pushes the edges of what a person defines their limits to be. Going beyond one's personal comfort level and balancing on the precipice of that eternal abyss. For some, knife play is edge play, to me, it's just fun. For some, being so far down into space that they have no concept of reality or surroundings, and look and feel like they are on really good drugs is just fun--to me it's playing on the edge. That's why i think it's important to not allow our personal opinions define our definitions of things. Some stuff simply cannot be captured with a label, cannot be defined by the mere construct of the words we speak, cannot be placed in the various boxes we use to tell us where things belong.

Okay, my philosophical musings have been frozen out of me lol. i've been up stoking the fire for an hour and it's a whopping 58 degrees in my living room. i miss summer already.
On a more reality based note, my Husband is a sadistic bastard. i'm okay with that, and it's an affectionate insult, not a barb at His personality. i read somewhere once that most subs were attracted to and fascinated by sadists, but failed to realize that a sadist loves watching you squirm and is usually willing to go above and beyond in their efforts to get that reaction. That, far beyond physical pain, they often get off most on what makes a submissive uncomfortable and well, squirmy lol. The more M unleashes that part of myself, the more i agree with that thought. He enjoys the pleasure/pain reaction He gets from the physical aspects of it, yet finds the mental aspects much more entertaining and rewarding. The mindfuck is what gets Him off i think. me, the mental aspects just make me want to hide under a rock lol. i am sure that one day soon, i will write about the particular incident that inspired this train of thought, but i'm not feeling like that much of a masochist today lol.
For now, i'm going to go put more wood on the fire and fantasize about warm summer days in the sun...