A Question of Offering Submission and Rules?

Several people were kind enough to give me post fodder. Yay!

See? I'm not really as difficult as he likes me out to be.

Now's my chance to be like the medical office--questions will be answered in the order received.

Okay, okay...

Anonymous asked:

"How do you feel that you can offer him your submission without him having to obtain it? How does he know without enforcing rules? Are rules necessary all the times?"

In order of appearance...

For some reason, the wording of this first question is tripping me up a bit...I'm just going interpret is as how I can offer him submission without him working/asking specifically for it...?

So, I think this is about ways to show submission, and ways to be submissive without his input. To me, these are somewhat different questions.

On one hand, it is sometimes difficult to be submissive if one isn't feeling the Dominance. On the other hand, submission is a state of being and doesn't require direct orders to manifest itself.
If he's not expressing his will, I can show submission by taking a more proactive role (work in progress). I can do things and behave in a manner that are/is submissive--if it's making his plate, and un-asked for cup of tea, kneeling at his feet just because, etc.
Submission becomes part of the relationship. It just is. Regardless of his reaching for it--it is something that is always his. Even if I don't always excel at its expression...

As to how he knows without enforcing rules...Tripped up again! My brain seems to have taken a temporary (I hope) leave of absence.
How does he know that I am following the rules if he doesn't go around enforcing them, or how does he know I'm offering my submission if he isn't actively enforcing the rules?
I'll go both ways...

He knows if I'm following the rules because if he doesn't notice, I'll tattle on myself. It's really a terrible trait--I simply can't help it. Comes back to the whole "Transparency" thing I guess.
I don't think that submission is a product of rules--rules exist to refine submission to the Dominant's desires. He knows that I am being submissive through our interactions, my state of mind, the way I am and the things that I do.

Are rules necessary all the time? Well...While people usually put a lot of emphasis on rules, D/s can exist without them.
Are my rules always in existence? Yes. He prefers to call them "Expectations", but I think that, for all intents and purposes, the definition for us is the same. Am I always expected to live up to those expectations? Yes. Do I always pull it off? No.
That is not to say that there are never any exceptions for circumstances, but those circumstances had damn well better be valid!

That Damn Book!

It's not always easy to get this whole slave thing right. In fact, I used to accuse him of setting me up for failure...

There's never really a good time to talk around here these days. Seriously, between homeschooling, the size of our house, weather, and sickness, there are always children nearby. And he's always...Busy.

It's been like a month since I updated the book, I did write up the "new" rules, and then panicked about turning it in (slow one here). I thought about it too much. And then thought about it some more.
So last night, at like ten when the kids were asleep, I finally brought him the damn book. 

His words were something to the effect of my waiting until he was the least receptive to finally present him with the changes. I put it up.

Polite words fail me.

Why stress so much about the damn book in the first place? Well, because there are consequences for not updating it. Consequence's which are often compounded by the seemingly inevitable habit of accumulating marks simply by not writing in the book. Then I don't pay as much attention to what I'm supposed to be doing which means I don't do what I'm supposed to and then I eventually get in trouble. Like saved up "I'd kick you if I could, you're a horrible mean man" kind of trouble.

Having to edit the book myself though...I had to write it out and look at it a lot. Honestly, I made very few changes. But! I have to live with this. Chances are that he will accept it and add more (I am quite suspicious of what he might add). But...Did I mention that this is my life?

Maybe he figures it's my life too and he doesn't want to make any decisions about it at 10:00 at night when he's trying to go to sleep on the floor. Whatever.
Ahem.

Revising the Book

I'm too lazy to find it, but not to long ago, I wrote a post mentioning wanting to revise my punishment book. He agreed, and never mentioned it again.
Long story short, he expects me to do an honest revision and submit it to him.
Wtf?!
Now is a good time to mention that I haven't written in the book as it is for some time. Reckoning is always a bitch, especially after a certain length of time has passed. But, um...I have to revise it first.
Fuck.

So anyways, it's stressing me out. The book is...My issues. It's the rules and expectations that I struggle with, fall flat on, or seem to require reinforcement with. Or sometimes its just about shit that's good for me that I should do.
I have to revise it honestly?!
Picky picky.
That's hard.

So what happens if I revise it, submit it, he approves, and I totally hate living what I have done to myself?

I hate asking for things, I have never been able to tell him what I like when we're in bed, and I tend to prefer taking the view that I'm doing as he makes me do.

He has put me in a position where I have to honestly list what structure and expectations I believe I need to/should live with on a daily basis. And I don't want to. We both know that it will probably be more stringent than he would suggest, and then when I struggle against the restrictions of my own mind used against me, he will just shrug and point out that I asked for this. He simply gave me what I said I needed.
He will never mention ideas rejected or modified to suit his desires...And we will both know that he made me ask for things which I will most likely beg to be free of.
Because he wanted honesty
and I gave it.
We both know what I am
we both know what I need
no longer will he allow me to pretend ignorance of my own desires
no longer will he allow me to act as if I know not the level of control under which I thrive.

This is dangerous water for me, this honest self assessment of my needs. Perhaps he will decide it is too much, perhaps he will decide that it is not enough. Either way, he will have made me ask for things which I never wanted to admit that I desired or needed in my daily life.

Rules Abound, or, Little Black Book Redundancies

So rules abound here. Well, that's not quite right...There's technically only one rule which transposes into two, and lots of expectations along the way.
The one rule is obey, which translates into, "Please me", then everything that encompasses. Seriously, that one rule encompasses everything about being alive. It is...Excessively simple on its surface.
That said, I still have the punishment book. Every day, (okay, sometimes I slip. Fine, lately, it's a lot of times) I put an x by the the things I did or didn't do that I am supposed to, or not supposed to, do. The list is by no means all-inclusive.
In a way, it's kind of silly because to make a complete list would take miles of paper, and then one would be sure to miss something because there's only one rule and it encompasses everything! But...It's things that I need to work on, struggle with, or reflect past mistakes that were big enough for him to want me to remember, which go into the book. Still with me?

During our last night alone, I asked if we could sit down and review/revise the things which are written in the book. I feel like some have become redundant, some could be tweaked, and others perhaps added to. He agreed that we could look it over. And proceeded to not look at it once.

I had asked this same question last year. He said the same thing. Everything in the book is exactly as it was when I first started writing in it. Except, of course, the number of pages and little x's. Last year I just quit writing in it. For months. Until I got in trouble. Apparently, he likes to wait long enough for me to really hang myself before pointing out that he's been paying attention all along. Hmph.
Anyways, I had a hissy and quit doing what I was supposed to because I felt like it didn't matter to him since he didn't sit down with me and do what I wanted.

Over the years, I have discovered that it's really hard to place importance on things that he doesn't seem to find important. It just is. I quit writing in the book because I felt like it wasn't important to him. I started again because he (not so kindly) pointed out that he shouldn't need to constantly validate the importance of something--saying that is what he wants and leaving it at that should be enough.

Do I wish that he would sit down with me and revise the damn book that I'm supposed to write in every day? Well yes, I do. I want to know that me doing what he wants matters to him, or, more accurately, I want validation that it matters. I already know that it does, I just like acknowledgement or something...
I also feel like I have grown, and some of them are unnecessary, and I would like to know that he feels the same. I also happen to hate activities which I find redundant.
Of course, taking things out of the book wouldn't mean that those requirements no longer exist, it just means that I no longer need constant daily reminders of them.

The book makes me mindful of my behavior. It keeps my focus on pleasing him. It is a good thing. Some of it is redundant, and some of it needs expansion. Will I quit writing in it again simply because he's ignoring my desire to revise it, after agreeing to revise it? No. Because, while I find the point of the book to be largely about focusing on improving areas the need improving, it's also about submitting and pleasing him.
Writing in the book and presenting it every night pleases him.

Hmmm, perhaps I'll add a note to the page. Just this once. Or maybe not this time...I've been slacking, which is never the best time to suggest that he might be doing so himself.

And after all, there is a concept that I have been working on quite a bit, which fits quite well into this whole thing:

Things I am Supposed to Do

There has been a lot of things that have slid by the way over the past months.
Things that I am supposed to do.
Things that I decided he didn't care about because it didn't seem to matter to him whether I did them or not.
Things that he reminded me last night under no uncertain circumstances
I am supposed to do.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that I didn't have to do them because it seemed like he didn't care if I did them.
Because it seemed like they didn't really please him. And if they didn't please him, why bother to do any of it?

I made the assumption that I could decide what pleased him based on his reactions or lack thereof. Instead of relying on doing what I had been told to do to be pleasing.

Suddenly he has this vested and serious interest in how I take care of myself. In a way, it's a bit irritating, because I'm not ten anymore.
In another way? It's actually extremely hot. Like whips and chains hot, only in a different way.
Don't ask me why because I couldn't say exactly. But somehow it's a huge turn-on.

And suddenly, all those things that slid by the way because I decided they didn't please him when they really actually did, are back on the table. They are every day expectations to live up to.
Because I don't get to choose what pleases him.

A Question of Rules and Communication

 Got another question on the Q&A page...

"I'm in a relationship now, and while my boyfriend has taken on the role of Dominate, there are no rules. I don't know how I would tell him (or even bring the subject up) that I want rules in our relationship. I feel so awkward even thinking about talking to him about it, though I don't think I should. I've no idea how to broach the topic with him. It's making me feel weird being around him with this nagging in my head and heart."

To begin with, I have some thoughts on rules. And while I realize that this is an unsolicited opinion, I'm going to share it anyways lol. I hope you don't mind.

1. Sometimes there actually are rules, we just don't see them as such because they haven't been stated to us in that form.
2. Sometimes we place more importance on rules than we should, and thinking that we need them in their various forms, doesn't mean that they are actually as essential to D/s as we think they are.

Rules must exist to serve a purpose. If they don't, we quickly find ourselves disillusioned with them and wondering why we should follow them at all. If a rule has no meaning to them, it is nearly impossible for it to have meaning for us.

More rules doesn't necessarily mean "Better".

I would be willing to bet that you have the same rule the rest of us have, whether specifically stated or not--be and behave in a way that pleases him.

That said...

I know how difficult it can be to bring up things like wanting rules, (my difficulties with communicating such things were the inspiration for this blog's existence) but the truth is, they're never going to happen if you don't talk to your Dominant.
Just because something feels awkward and is outside our comfort zone, doesn't mean that it should be avoided.

One of the things that I have found about being submissive, is that having something on my mind and not sharing it with him, can really eat me up and create unnecessary barriers. Thus my rule about not only being truthful, but being forthcoming as well. Which, like everything else, fits under the general edict of pleasing him, (not as easy to follow such generalizations as one might think).
Oftentimes, we build something up so much in our minds, and stress about it so much, that we make it a far bigger issue than they will find it to be.

Personally, the first thing I would do is to sit down and have a serious think about why I want rules, what I would want to accomplish with them, and what kind might be beneficial and reasonably incorporated into life.
Why? Because getting what we want rarely takes the form that we think it will. And it's nice to be able to express why we want something when they ask us questions about it.

Then, sorry, but you're going to have to talk to him about it. And if rules do come into existence, they're going to have to be ones that he wants--otherwise they won't hold as much meaning and importance to you, and he won't be as invested in you actually sticking to them. They become pointless, because rules just for rules sake don't really mean anything.

I think that we all have a particular "space" where communication is not necessarily easier, but we know that we are safe to communicate anything. For me, that space often comes when I'm sitting at his feet.
There I know that, no matter how squirmy it makes me, no matter what the topic is, no matter how much I don't want to say it, I can. Because he will accept me for what I am.

So, in my opinion, finding that space, and saying something as simple as, "I think that I would like us to have some rules" is a great place to begin. You can't know where exactly things will go from there, but the only way to discover it is to start the conversation.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you find a way to start a conversation about this with your Dominant.

Punishment Book

You know how sometimes you have an idea, and that brain-to-mouth filter (amazingly), kicks in, and tells you that it's really not a good idea? Then you sit on it for a while but it keeps coming back until one day, against your better judgement, you tell them your idea?

I started the sentence around four days ago. I actually finished it yesterday.
He raised his eyebrows, asked me quietly if I knew exactly what that would mean, and then proceeded to tell me that ideas were like a can of worms--once opened there's no shoving them back in, and no I couldn't take it back.

Oops.

Here's the thing though--I have rules (reasonable rules at that)...And a really crappy short term memory. So I forget things...And he doesn't want to spend all his time monitoring me. Then I feel like he doesn't care if I do as I'm told or not. Then I forget again and he feels like I don't even try. And and and...

So, against my brain's better judgement, my mouth opened and raised the idea of a rule book. Okay, not so much a rule book, as a punishment book. Yes, I'm slightly obsessed with books, and said obsession might have expressed itself in a rather dangerous way lol.

His response was, "You realize that means you will be responsible for making a note every time you break a rule, and bringing the list to me?" Ummm...Crap. "Yes, I realize that. Can I take it back now?" He laughed at me! "No, you may not take it back."

So I found a notebook...And he said he didn't think it was big enough (plenty big enough for the rules, there's not that many, but a little small for listing transgressions). Apparently he had something more along the lines of a ledger...

I am so screwed. And as usual, I did it to myself!
Damn malfunctioning brain-to-mouth filter.

Consequences

Sometimes I think we are like magnets--When turned just a little bit wrong, they push away from each other as opposed to drawing each other closer.

My polarity has been all fucked up or something...And we aren't clashing, but we aren't drawn together like we should be.

Maybe all that much-needed leniency went to my head (just maybe. Ahem).

Regardless of the cause, I am not where I should be and haven't been for some time. So, brimming with brilliantly regrettable ideas, I suggested that Alpha tighten up the reins. He raised His eyebrows and pointed out that I didn't need new rules, I needed to follow the ones I have.
I didn't want new rules anyways! But ummm, yea I may have consistently forgotten a couple.

Consequences are going to be more severe and I am getting my shit together.

When I'm back here whining about the inhumanity of not being able to take a piss without permission, don't remind me that it's my own fault mkay?

Rules Versus Expectations

I have been thinking about rules lately…We have rules…But they’re more like expectations.

On the up side, rules provide the comfort and security that comes with structure. They create a clear view of what is expected and what is not acceptable. Rules are about encouraging desired behaviors and discouraging unwanted ones. They exist for a purpose and there are definite consequences to breaking them, which is part of what contributes to the security they provide--the fact that someone is willing to enforce them makes all the difference in the world.

On the downside, rules give you something to push back against, something to challenge in order to find out exactly how firm the line is and what you can get away with.

Expectations on the other hand, give you something to live up to. For me, Alpha's disappointment is the worst punishment (lets ignore the existence of those evil little clamps...). Striving to meet expectations helps to avoid that disappointment.
Expectations don't give you something to challenge and push against--they give you the inspiration to do as expected, and the desire to please by living up to them.

I used to feel differently about rules. I thought that numerous and firm rules were important to our dynamic. And maybe at the time, they were. But now? For us, the rules and expectations seem to have blended into one and the same. Either way, the consequences are still there, even more reliably so. And isn't that one of the things that matters most about rules and expectations--that the person submitting strives to follow and meet them, and the person laying down the law enforces them when necessary and acknowledges success and failure, thereby further solidifying the relationship and it's dynamic?

Rules and "oh shit" moments

For the person who asked my last Formspring question, this post is going to expand on my answer a bit.

A little while back I said I was heading for an "oh shit" moment. Yea, moment arriving and continuing lol. As any sub who has introduced the concept of BDSM into their relationship or asked for more knows, they can be rather common lol. We said goodbye to the safe word, then I asked to step things up a bit. A totally back-asswards way of going about things. He's making me nervous.  I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I have become painfully aware of my lack of recourse in any given situation. We will have a night to ourselves on Monday (holy shit, miracles do happen!), and the possibilities are almost endless...Anyways, our little shift, and my recent Formpring question have brought a lot more focus to the rules. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to do a post saying that Alpha pissed all over me than it is to write one that tells what my rules are. You wouldn't think that they would be more personal lol, but there you have it.
So, in the interest of focusing on the previously unwritten and often understated rules, here they are:

The single most important rule is that I will always be honest. Truth is a tricky bitch to say the least.
He asks as many questions as He wants and I will answer truthfully. If He is satisfied with my performance, I  get to ask one question (one question! He's cheap).
I am not allowed to masturbate unless Alpha tells me to.
I cannot cum without permission.
I have to cum on command. If I don't I'm shit out of luck.
I must ask for permission to wear underwear unless going to work.
I am not allowed to sleep clothed (which is a real bitch when it's minus twenty out there).
I must brush my teeth every morning (okay, so it's ridiculous, life is crazy though and my kids are clean so pfhbt).
No online contact with other Dominants besides public interactions through blogs. If any other type of communication occurs, I am to explain it immediately.
I submit only to Him and no one else.
When being spanked or whipped I must say please,thank you, and keep count (seriously, I doubt He put much thought into the fact that it takes a few seconds to say these things. Thus my consistent inability to keep track and be forced to start over at one).
Though it has not been put to the test yet (well, the "who" part anyways), I will fuck when and who He says, He fucks who and when He wants.
I will keep myself shaved at all times. This is the only one I get any leeway with depending on the availability of razors lol.
If I have the cell phone and miss His call, I am to call back immediately.

So there you have it. My little list of previously very private rules that will, no doubt, continue to evolve and expand over time.