It's just not right...

Unfortunately, it's official--I cannot cum unless he tells me to. I'm pretty sure that some sort of vibrational device would change that, but shhh--he'll take that too. It's my reserve bicycle.

And you know, he just had to prove himself right.

He gave me blanket permission, "Lets have a race to see who can cum first. You can cum whenever you want!" And I'm thinking, "ooh goody, I got this!" Uh huh.

Ten minutes later, "I told you that you could whenever you want you know." Argh! "you told me I could what???" Yea, he didn't go for it.

Fifteen minutes later, "I told you that you can't cum without me telling you to even if you want to..."
Thirty seconds later, "Can to!!!"

Five minutes later I'm desperate and he's laughing at me. Laughing! Who laughs at someone during sex? Yea...
And he rubs it in some more, "you have permission, so why don't you? You're close to losing you know."

So I started to beg. And in his infinite meanness compassion, he says "Sure, go for it! You have permission."

If I was in charge...

"No! That's not what I mean. Please TELL me to!*!*!"

I swear I could see his evil grin in the dark as he said, "First admit that you can't cum unless I tell you to."

"Okay okay, you win! I can't cum unless you tell me to! PLEASE!!!"

Apparently he is not completely lacking a conscience.

Body and Mind are Not One...?

I have gotten rather used to my body and my brain disagreeing about things. Very rude of my body, but it happens rather often.

I always know when my body is not on the same page as my mind. I know how it's going to feel and what it's going to do, even if I disagree.

The thing is...

It did something without me last night. Something that I had no clue was going to happen before it did.

See, orgasms tend to be somewhat elusive for me. One and I'm done--everything closes down, locks up, and revolts completely against further intrusion.
And it's been so long since I came without permission I'm not even sure I can do it anymore.

Last night he asked me if I was going to cum again. My brain said no, knowing that my body was in total agreement.
Then, against all the knowledge that my mind lay forth, it came on his command. Twice.

And I stared at the ceiling for a while afterwards contemplating this turn of events. Because while my body might not always do as I ask it to, it never does what someone else tells it to do without my prior consent.

It was a little bit scary. Which in turn made it that much more hot because I'm twisted like that.

So I'm still thinking. Because I'm not really sure what I think about this turn of events.

Oh yea, and I dreamed about sex again. What is happening to me?! It's a rhetorical question lol.

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

Disturbing things and submissive versus doormat, Dominant versus domineering

Something disturbing is happening to me...All of a sudden, when we are having sex, i can't cum when He tells me to. In fact, i can hardly cum at all. This makes me feel like i'm disappointing M because i am failing to do as i am told and freaks me out because i used to be completely unable to orgasm. The odd thing is, sex feels different. The act itself, is mind blowing...
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The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?

Puddle of confusion

If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...

i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.

Yesterday was rough

i had a rough day yesterday. Seemed like i just kept falling on my face on all fronts. First there was my encounter with the other sub. i felt like i disapointed M in my handling of it. We talked this morning though and M pointed out that she had inquired about the position, so if i scared her off with a little fantasy, and she has other things going on at home, i didn't really fuck anything up.
i can't cum without my clit. Never have. i also don't squirt or have multiple orgasms (three's a record for me). All things M wants me to achieve and started working on last night. With the plan of eventually working on me cumming on command without physical stimulation. i do cum on command now, it's nearly impossible for me to cum without the command, but i'm light years away from even being able to without stimulating my clit so i dunno if i'll ever get there. Anyways, i failed miserably last night. He was really sweet about it. He told me it wasn't my place to judge failure or success and that all He cares about is that i did my best. He doesn't expect these things to happen overnight. Still, i felt like one long string of letdowns.
On a different note, how hard can it be to find a sub who wants to play with an attractive Dominant who is good at what He does?? i mean, really! Maybe it's me...